05x21 - The Musical/My Ex-Mom/The Show Must Go On/The Pest/My Aunt, the Worrier: Part 2

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making
another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something
for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard,
it's l-o-o-o-ove ♪

Oh, Victor, I'm so happy

you're gonna help us
with the show.

It's my pleasure, roz.

But are you aware
of my reputation?

I'm a perfectionist.

I work all hours
with my cast,

especially
the leading lady.

Is that so?

You can bet on it.

[ All warming up indistinctly ]

Come on, girls,
come on, come on, come on, now.

Let's get the rehearsal
started.

How can we start
the rehearsal?

Mr. Moncrief
is not here.

Well, he's been delayed
for a few minutes.

He put me in charge.

Terrific -- the inmate's
taking over the asylum.

Let's get going
with the rehearsal.

Sylvia, would you like
to go first?

Yes, I would!

Then go ahead.

Sylvia, where are you going?!
The rehearsal is here!

You said
would I like to go first,

and that exactly
what I'm doing.

I am gonna go first
to phone my husband!

Oh, the first day of rehearsal
of "my fair lady"

was nothing like this.

Millie, would you like
to sing first?

It's okay with me, but
the pianist isn't here yet.

Oh, I'll play.

I didn't know
you played the piano.

Oh, sure. It's just like
tap dancing with your fingers.

Do you read music?

With my eyes closed!

Well, read this,
and don't make it too fancy.

Well?

You told me to read --
I'm reading.

Just fake it --
right here.

Say, can we get
this rehearsal started

sometime before the cruise ends?

All right, all right!

[ Plays introduction ]

Wait a minute.

You just give me the beat,
and I'll do the rest.

Okay, sister, you got it.

[ Plays mid-tempo melody
unevenly ]

Are you trying
to sabotage my number?

Oh, honey, you could do that
all by yourself.

I'm playing, I'm playing!

[ Off-key ]
♪ you were meant for me ♪

♪ I was -- ♪
wait just a minute!

I know what you're doing.
I'm hip to your game.

What's the matter, dear --
forgotten the words?

♪ I was meant for you ♪

I'm gonna k*ll her!

No, no!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

♪ You were meant for me ♪

All right, girls, all right!

All right, girls,
that's enough for today!

That's enough for today.
I think you're all terrific.

Remember when I told you how
much fun show business can be?

Yes, I remember.

Well, don't listen to me.
I enjoyed world w*r ii.

♪ I was meant for you ♪

Oh, no, thanks, Isaac.

Well, if we're gonna
have a show tomorrow,

i better put in some work
on those new routines.

Mr. Moncrief, we really
appreciate you helping us
with the show.

It's great
working with a professional.

A professional
who never should have retired

in the first place.

Now, roz, I told you,
I don't need the hassle.

I owe you
for that tip again, Isaac.

Oh, that's all right,
Mr. Moncrief.

Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

Poor guy.

What do you mean,
"poor guy"?

My uncle works
for an auction company,

and he told me
a couple of months ago

that Mr. Moncrief
had to sell his house

and all his paintings and stuff
because of taxes.

Are you kidding?

No, I'm not kidding.

When was the last time

you heard the internal revenue
cracking jokes?

My, my. I can't decide
which is prettier --

you or that moonlight.

Lionel, when are you
gonna stop bugging me

with this silly talk?

Oh, I'm a romantic devil.

You'll find out
on our honeymoon.

Honeymoon?!

Lionel, when they were
giving out brains,

you thought they said "trains,"
and you missed yours.

When will you get it through
that thick skull of yours

that I do not --

i repeat, I do not --
want to marry you?!

No, wait, wait!

Aren't you being
a little unreasonable?

What about Isaac?

What about him?

Oh, I've had my eyes
on that young man

ever since
I've been on the ship.

There's a lot of potential
there.

And?

Well, naturally,
after we're married,

I've have him
to come to work for me.

Work for you?

In an executive capacity,
of course.

Maybe I'd better have
another look at that ring.

Hmm.

It is not a bad ring,
Lionel --

not at all a bad ring.

Aunt Sylvia,
what are you doing up so late?

I can't sleep.

I just remembered
a television show I saw once

in which a man who looked
just like your uncle Elliot

was mistaken for the head
of a crime syndicate,

and the other g*ng
kidnapped him.

[ Laughs ]

I'm going home
and find him.

Aunt Sylvia,
do you actually believe

that uncle Elliot was kidnapped
by a g*ng of criminals?

Well, if he wasn't,
then where is he?

I've called
a hundred times.

Why don't you get some sleep?
You'll feel better.

Maybe I'll feel better after
I finish writing him this note.

Well, that's a good idea.

I just hope his kidnappers
will let him read it.

Good night.

♪ I'm not a poet ♪

♪ how well I know it ♪

♪ I've never been a raver ♪

♪ but when I look at you ♪

♪ I rave a bit, it's true ♪

♪ I'm wild about you ♪

♪ can't live without you ♪

♪ you give my life its flavor ♪

♪ what sugar does for tea ♪

♪ that's what you do
for m-e-e-e ♪

♪ you're the cream
in my coffee ♪

♪ you're the salt in my stew ♪

♪ you will always be
my necessity ♪

♪ I'd be lost without you ♪

♪ you're the sail
on my love boat ♪

♪ you're the captain and crew ♪

♪ you will always be
my necessity ♪

♪ I'd be lost
without yo-o-o-o-u ♪

Oh -- "p.S."

♪ You don't know
how I've prayed ♪

♪ 'cause, baby, I'm afraid ♪

♪ something's gonna happen
to you ♪

♪ listen, honey ♪

♪ forgive your worried brow ♪

♪ I would die
if I should lose you now ♪

♪ button up your overcoat ♪

♪ when the wind is free ♪

♪ take good care of yourself ♪

♪ you belong to me ♪

♪ eat an apple every day ♪

♪ be in bed by three ♪

♪ take good care of yourself ♪

♪ you belong to me ♪

♪ be careful crossing streets ♪

♪ ooh, ooh ♪

♪ don't eat meat ♪

♪ ooh, ooh ♪

♪ cut out sweets ♪

♪ ooh, ooh ♪

♪ you'll get a pain
and ruin your tum-tum ♪

♪ keep away
from bootleg hooch ♪

♪ when you're on a spree ♪

♪ take good care of yourself ♪

♪ you belong to me ♪

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

♪ Take good care of yourself ♪

♪ save a share of yourself ♪

♪ take good care of yourself ♪

[ Deep voice ]
♪ you belong to m-e-e-e-e-e ♪

Come on, Adam, this fight
between you and gopher

has gone on long enough.

Time you guys made up.

You're right. I've been
acting like a fool.

Stop knocking yourself.
You're a great actor.

Well -- hmm?

[ Laughs ]

You and doc have been friends
for years.

Won't you just stop
all this foolishness?

For me?

Well, I guess
if you put it like that,

I don't see how
I can say no.

And besides,
you're basically right.

I guess somebody's got to be
the first one to apologize.

Well, well,
look who's here!

We were just looking for you,
gopher, weren't we, doc?

Well, isn't that funny?
We were on our way to see you.

Gopher has something to say.

Yeah, uh, well, doc, um...
What we've been doing is silly,

and it takes a big man
to apologize, so --

you're right,
and that's exactly why

I'm going to be the first one
to apologize --

wait a minute!
I was talking about me.

I'm going to be
the first one to apologize.

You can't, because
I already said I'm sorry.

And if anybody's gonna be
a big man around here,
it's gonna be me.

No way! I won't even
accept your apology

unless you accept
my apology first!

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Well, I was thinking of
apologizing before you
were even sorry!

Well, I was sorry
a lot longer than you!

I was sorry
the day I met you!

You see?
What did I tell you?

You can't even talk
to him!

Well, at least
we're making progress.

You call that progress?

Yeah -- first,
they weren't even talking.

Now at least
they're yelling.

♪ Let's get the show on right,
let's get the show on right ♪

♪ let's get the show on
right here ♪

[ Clears throat ]

Uh, come in.

The inventory report
you wanted, sir.

Oh, thank you.

Something funny
I should know about?

Just the inventory report,
sir -- a lot of funny stuff,

like, um...
A gross of lobster forks.

[ Chuckles ]

Why would a lobster
want a fork?

[ Snaps fingers ]

Morning, mom.

Good morning, darling.
How are you?

Fine. Listen, we have
some nice hot rolls here,
if you want some.

Oh, they do look good,
don't they?

Yeah.

Uh, don't you notice
anything different?

You didn't change your hair,
did you?

No!

I didn't think so.
You want some coffee?

I'll fix it.

Mom, how many?

/ carats.

Oh, an engagement ring!

Oh, yeah, that.
I forgot I had it on.

Where'd you get that?

Well, Lionel proposed to me,
and I accepted.

Congratulations!

Wait a minute.

Didn't you say that you thought
he was an obnoxious pest?

Well, nobody's perfect,
honey.

[ Knock on door ]

Yes?

Morning, captain.

Morning.

I hope I'm not
interrupting anything.

No, no.

Well, I'll be brief.

I told you a little white lie
the other day.

My check bouncing had nothing
to do with a computer error.

The check was made of rubber
all the way.

But, captain, I don't have to
lie to you anymore,

because working with your crew
on their show

has given me confidence
again.

And I'm certain
that when I get back,

I'll be able
to cover my check somehow.

Mr. Moncrief, I'm very happy
that you feel so well.

But you don't owe us
a cent.

Captain, I just told you
the check was no good.

I know.

But your ticket
has been paid for

by one of the passengers.

One of the passengers?

Who paid for me, captain?
I want to know.

Never mind.
I think I know who it was.

Thank you, captain.

Hi.

Hi.

[ Sighs ] I just came
from the captain's office.

Thanks
for paying my ticket.

He wasn't supposed to
tell you.

He didn't, but who else
could it have been?

Roz, I'll pay you back,
I promise.

I've got a couple of movie deals
cooking -- big ones!

And maybe even
a TV series.

Then there's this big
Broadway producer --

oh, Victor, please! For once,
just tell me the truth!

That's all I've ever wanted
from you!

Trust me, roz --
I love you.

You haven't changed,
Victor.

After all these years,

you're still handsome
and charming and talented

and completely
irresponsible!

Oh, roz --

I don't blame you, Victor.
I haven't changed either.

I was still foolish enough
to believe you again.

Well! If it isn't
my son-to-be.

That's right.

I guess congratulations
are in order, Mr. Bigelow.

Oh, none of that.
Now, we're going to be family.

Call me "dad."

Okay, uh...Dad.

That's the stuff.

But remember -- call me "dad"
around the house,

but when you come to work
for me, call me "boss."

When I come to work
for you?

Yeah. Didn't your mama
tell you?

I promised to give you a job
just as soon as we got married.

You did?!

Yes.

Now, we'll have
a fine time, son --

a fine time.

Good morning,
and welcome to acapulco.

Attention, please. Land tours
will be leaving in minutes

from the coral deck gangway.

We hope you enjoy your day.

[ Crying ]

Oh, cheer up, aunt Sylvia.

Cheer up?!

I still haven't heard a word
from your uncle Elliot.

For all I know,
he could be dead --

or worse than dead.

He could have run off
with the upstairs maid!

I wonder why we've got
an upstairs maid.

We only have
a one-level house.

Mom...

Oh, hi, honey,
how are you?

Fine, fine.

Did I ever tell you how lucky
I feel to have you for a mom?

You sure did, every time
you wanted a dime

for an ice-cream cone.

[ Laughs ]

Well, you know, you're always
doing things for me.

You remember the time
that you got a night job

to make the payments
on the piano you bought for me?

Oh, Isaac, I used that piano
more than you did.

Well, you know, there are
a lot of things I remember,

like the time that I got sick
and couldn't do my paper route,

so you got on my bike
and delivered my papers for me.

You know, I really needed
some exercise then.

Yeah, well, you were always
taking care of me.

Well, it worked out
just wonderfully,

'cause you're a fine man,
honey.

Thank you, mom.

But, you know, I want you
to stop thinking about me

and start thinking
about you.

You know...
I had a talk with Lionel,

and he offered me a job.

Well, honey, you have to
understand about Lionel --

now, wait a minute, mom. Mom,
let me do the talking, okay?

Because...well,
if you're marrying Lionel

because you love him

and you want to spend
the rest of your life with him,

I'm all for it.

But if you're marrying him
to help me out, forget it.

I love my job here.

And there's only one thing
that I love more.

That's you.

You are a fine man,
honey.

♪ And even when I'm old
and gray ♪

You'll never be old.

♪ I'm gonna feel
the way I do today ♪

♪ 'cause ♪

♪ you make me feel so young ♪

I love you, baby.

I love you, mom.

Oh, honey.

Hi, girls!

Hi!

Hi!

Hi!

Hey, Millie, you better
get dressed. We're on soon.

I am dressed.
This is what I'm wearing.

In the show
or for Halloween?

Well, look who's talking.
You look like an x glossy.

Well, at least
my picture came out!

Well, find a hammer,
and I'm gonna break your hair!

Oh, I think I need
a little exercise.

I'll try jogging
around you.

Try jogging around this.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah!

Yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Girls, stop fighting!
Why can't you two get along?!

You don't hear us two
fighting.

You never hear me
saying anything

about that thing
she's wearing --

my dear, what is that thing
that you're wearing?

What do you mean "thing"?
This is not a "thing."

Have you ever looked
in a mirror?

You look like
you lost a bet!

Well, I have quiet,
conservative, ladylike taste.

You wouldn't understand
that.

Taste?! Your taste
is in your mouth!

Mouth?! Have you looked
in the mirror?!

Yes, and I look fine!

Well, you must have been
looking in my mirror!

[ All arguing indistinctly ]

Hold it, hold it,
hold it!

Let's not forget
what we're here for.

We're not here to argue.

We're here because
our loved ones are proud of us

and they want us
to help them.

Yes, and we have to be
real troupers

and do the very best
we can for them.

That's right!

All for one,
and one for all!

That's the way we do it
on Broadway!

That's right --
I forget who told me

that you were really
a big, big Broadway star.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, yeah, I remember
who told me! You did.

I never did
any such thing!

Oh, yes, you did --
every minutes.

Never!

Incessantly.

Continuously.

Always.

Did you put those flowers
in your hair,

or did they grow there?

You look like
a potted plant.

Don't pick on me!

[ All arguing indistinctly ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to the first edition
of "the love boat follies."

Thank you.

Uh, we're having a few small
technical difficulties
backstage,

but if you'll just bear with us,

the show will begin
in just a few moments.

Thank you.

Technical difficulties?
I knew it.

[ All arguing indistinctly ]

Excuse me,
has Victor shown up yet?

No. Maybe he's ill.

No, he's all right.
He just won't open his door.

Why?!

Why?!

Why?! What's wrong?

Maybe we'll have to cut
his number.

No!

No!

No!

No!

Wait, wait! Maybe I should
go down and talk to him.

No, you have to go on.
You're in the opening number.

Oh, right. You better
get out there right now.

Come on, girls, let's go!

That's right,
go on, ladies. Yes!

Have a good show!

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

♪ I'm the grrrreatest star ♪

♪ I am by far ♪

♪ but no one knows it! ♪

Wait, they're going to hear
a voice.

A silver flute.

Ha ha ha ha!

They'll cheer each toot.

♪ When I expose it ♪

♪ can't you see
to look at me ♪

♪ that
I'm a natural Camille? ♪

♪ As Camille, I just feel
I've so much to offer ♪

♪ no, I'm the one
who'll be divine ♪

♪ 'cause
I'm a natural cougher ♪

[ Coughs lightly ]

♪ Some ain't got it,
not a lump ♪

♪ I'm a great big clump
of talent ♪

Laugh, honey,
they're gonna bend in half.

Did you hear the one
about the traveling salesman?

♪ A thousand laughs ♪

Stick around
for the jokes.

♪ A thousand faces ♪

I reiterate --

♪ when you're gifted,
then you're gifted ♪

♪ these are facts,
I've got no ax to grind ♪

♪ hey, what are they, blind? ♪

♪ In all of the world so far,
I'm the greatest star ♪

♪ who is the pip
with pizzazz? ♪

♪ Who is all ginger
and jazz? ♪

♪ Who is
as glamorous as? ♪

♪ Who's
an American beauty Rose ♪

♪ with
an American beauty nose ♪

♪ and ten
American beauty toes? ♪

♪ Eyes on the target,
and wham! ♪

♪ One shot, one g*nsh*t,
and bam! ♪

♪ Hey, captain stubing ♪

♪ here I am ♪

♪ i'm, i'm, i'm, i'm,
I'm the greatest star ♪

♪ I am by far ♪

♪ but no one knows it ♪

♪ who's the best yet?
Have you guessed yet? ♪

♪ If you ain't,
I'll tell you one more time ♪

♪ you bet your last dime ♪

♪ in all of the world so far ♪

♪ I'm the greatest,
greatest sta-a-a-a-a-r ♪

Oh, you were wonderful!

Thank you!

Any word from Victor?

Not, not yet.

But you've been closest to him.
What's wrong?

Oh, it's a long story.

I've got to go down to
his cabin and talk to him.

He has to go on.

Well, Mrs. Smith,
it's our cruise show.

It's probably not
that important to him.

Oh, yes, it is.

This is the most important show
that Victor will ever do.

Let's see --
gopher and doc.

You were magnificent!

Oh, thanks, doc.
I'm glad you liked it.

What a number!

Oh, it was fun!

Come on. Gopher, doc,
you guys are on.

I am not going on
with you!

The reason
you're not going on with me

is because I'm not going on
with you.

Oh, come on. You two
are acting like children!

You're right.
We are acting like children.

But I'm acting
like a sensible child.

He's acting like
a spoiled, stupid child.

[ Introduction plays ]

Guys,
that's your music!

All right. I will sing with you
and I will dance with you.

But I will not
talk with you!

All right, doc,
go out there and break a leg!

I'll do better than that.
I'll break both his legs!

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

♪ I don't care
where I'm going ♪

♪ just as long
as I'm with you ♪

♪ put it there, pal ♪

♪ put it there ♪

♪ I'll be just like
your ex-wives ♪

♪ and I'll stick to you
like glue ♪

♪ put it there, pal ♪

♪ put it there ♪

♪ since you became
the purser ♪

♪ captain stubing
lost his hair ♪

♪ each time
you treat a passenger ♪

♪ the captain
says a prayer ♪

♪ when you were jailed
in Curaçao ♪

♪ I shoulda
left you there ♪!

♪ You're faithful
and you're fair ♪

♪ put it th-e-e-e-e-ere ♪

♪ you went and changed
my stateroom ♪

♪ to a cabin in the hold ♪

♪ put it there, pal ♪

♪ put it there ♪

♪ you took out my appendix ♪

♪ when I only had a cold! ♪

♪ Put it there, pal ♪

♪ put it there ♪

♪ your face
could make a fortune ♪

♪ just your nose
should make a lot ♪

♪ I like the way you wear those
gaudy-colored shirts you got ♪

Thanks.

♪ The only time a rainbow
ever covered up a pot ♪

♪ we make a perfect pair ♪

♪ put it there ♪

My shipmate!

My crony!

My Bo's'n!

My gob!

Old shellback!

Old sea dog!

Old skipper!

Old slob!

♪ Like pacific
and Atlantic ♪

♪ like iceberg
and Titanic ♪

♪ don't put it in the paper ♪

♪ don't put it on the air ♪

♪ don't put it on the shelf ♪

♪ put it th-e-e-e-e-e-e-ere ♪

I got to change for my number.
Wish me luck, dad.

You don't need luck.
You've got everything.

[ Knock on door ]

Victor, I'm not leaving
until you speak to me!

Open the door!

[ Sighs ] Well, well,
a member of my adoring public.

Sorry,
no autographs today.

Oh, please, Victor,
I want to talk to you.

I know -- you've come
to sober up the star

in time to save the show.

Ah, they don't make movies
like that anymore...

For which
we're all very grateful.

But they're waiting for you
onstage!

Ah, come on, roz,
haven't you heard?

I'm a has-been,
a failure.

Well, what are you gonna do,
just turn away and quit?

Haven't you got that
backwards?

They quit me.

"Victor moncrief?
I thought he was dead."

"Only in show business."

When are you going to stop
feeling sorry for yourself?!

Probably never.

And why does that
concern you?

Because you're the first man
I ever really loved.

And in spite of everything...
I probably always will.

Oh, roz.

Oh, Victor, forget the past.
You can't change it.

But you can shape
the future.

♪ I had a dream ♪

♪ a dream about you, baby ♪

♪ I had a dream ♪

♪ it's gonna come true ♪

♪ they think
that we're through ♪

♪ but, baby ♪

♪ you'll...be...swell ♪

♪ you'll be great ♪

♪ gonna have the whole world
on a plate ♪

♪ startin' here,
startin' now ♪

♪ honey, everything's
comin' up roses ♪

♪ clear the decks,
clear the tracks ♪

♪ you got nothin' to do
but relax ♪

♪ blow a kiss, take a bow ♪

♪ honey, everything's
comin' up roses ♪

♪ now's your inning ♪

♪ stand the world
on its ear ♪

♪ set it spinning ♪

♪ that'll be
just the beginning ♪

♪ curtain up,
light the lights ♪

♪ you've got nothin' to hit
but the heights ♪

♪ you'll be swell,
you'll be great ♪

♪ I can tell,
just you wait ♪

♪ that lucky star
I talk about is du-u-u-u-e ♪

♪ honey, everything's coming up
roses and daffodils ♪

♪ everything's coming up
sunshine and Santa claus ♪

♪ everything's gotta be
bright lights and lollipops ♪

♪ everything's
coming up roses ♪

♪ for me ♪

♪ and for yo-o-o-o-o-o-o-u ♪

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

the love boat's
very own sweethearts,

Vicki stubing and Julie McCoy!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

♪ Passengers come,
passengers go ♪

♪ faces that blend
in the crowd ♪

♪ searching for fun
and romance ♪

♪ but nobody gives us a glance ♪

♪ cruising's a joy ♪

♪ if there's a boy ♪

♪ sharing the pleasures at sea ♪

♪ but all of the guys
we behold ♪

♪ are either too young ♪

♪ or too o-o-o-old ♪

♪ to ho-o-o-o-o-ld ♪

♪ I am just a little girl
who's looking for a little boy ♪

♪ who's looking for a girl
to love ♪

♪ tell me, please,
where can he be? ♪

♪ The loving
he will bring to me ♪

♪ the Harmony I'm dreaming of ♪

♪ it will be goodbye,
I know ♪

♪ to my tale of woe ♪

♪ when he says hello ♪

♪ so ♪

♪ I am just a little girl
who's looking for a little boy ♪

♪ who's looking for a girl
to love ♪

♪ to us, romance is a fable ♪

♪ we're ready, willing,
and able ♪

♪ and not very fussy,
it's true ♪

♪ but as long as
he's breathing ♪

♪ and no longer teething,
he'll do ♪

♪ he'll d-o-o-o-o-o ♪

♪ so, I am just a little girl ♪

♪ who is looking for
a little boy ♪

♪ who is looking for a girl ♪

♪ an extra-special girl ♪

♪ who's looking for a girl
to lo-o-o-o-o-ve ♪

Wonderful! Wonderful!

Now what are we gonna do?
It's time for Victor's number.

Looks like we're gonna
have to cut the number.

Oh, we can't do that.
Nobody's ready
for the finale yet.

Why the delay?!
What's the problem?!

Well, sir, Victor says
he won't do the show.

That's terrible!
That'll ruin the entire show!

I know.

Where are we gonna find someone
that knows the lyrics to all the
songs, all the dance steps?!

Especially that tricky little
turn in the last eight bars.

I think we've found
our new star!

No! No!

Sir, I have heard you practicing
ever since we left Los Angeles.

Gopher!

It's only fair, sir,
that if this show is a flop,

the captain goes down
with his ship.

[ All shouting indistinctly ]

Come on, captain,
you can do it!

You're going out there
a captain,

but you're coming back
a star!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

♪ Once, my clothes were shabby ♪

♪ tailors called me "cabby" ♪

♪ so I took the vow ♪

♪ said, "this bum
will be Beau brummell" ♪

♪ now I'm smooth and snappy ♪

♪ now my tailor's happy ♪

♪ I'm the cat's meow ♪

♪ my wardrobe is a wow! ♪

♪ Got my tweed pressed ♪

♪ got my best vest ♪

♪ all I need now is the girl ♪

♪ got my striped tie ♪

♪ got my hopes high ♪

♪ got the time and the place,
and I got rhythm ♪

♪ now all I need's
the girl to go with them ♪

♪ if she'll just appear ♪

♪ we'll take this big town
for a whirl ♪

♪ and if she'll say ♪

♪ my darling, I'm yours ♪

♪ I'll throw away
my striped tie ♪

♪ and my best pressed tweed ♪

♪ all I really need
is the girl! ♪

♪ If you'll just say ♪

♪ my darling, I'm yours ♪

♪ I'll throw away my socks,
my shirt, my tie, my vest ♪

♪ my bvds and all the rest ♪

♪ 'cause all I need
to follow my lead ♪

♪ all I need
is the gi-i-i-i-rl ♪

I couldn't have written it
better.

You didn't.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you for the applause.

But the man
who deserves the credit

is the one who pulled
this whole show together,

Mr. Victor moncrief!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you. I could listen
to your applause all night.

But our grand finale
is coming up.

Captain,
would you join us?

Absolutely.

And now
for our grand finale!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

♪ Want to sing a show tune ♪

♪ good old Broadway show tune ♪

♪ nothing that has no tune ♪

♪ something that has heart ♪

♪ you gotta have heart ♪

♪ something you can strum
or can hum by the hour ♪

♪ lots of heart ♪

♪ something kind of light
that's as bright as a flower ♪

♪ miles of heart ♪

♪ something with a tune
you can croon in the shower ♪

♪ to help the day start ♪

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
in recognition

of the fabulous ports of call
the love boat travels to,

here are four glamorous envoys
of goodwill.

First, may I present to you

the enchanting queen
of the Caribbean!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪ Hats off, here they come,
those beautiful girls ♪

♪ that's what
you've been waiting for ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

And now, to melt your heart,

meet the hottest attraction
from the frozen north.

Here is the dazzling
miss Alaska!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪ Nature never fashioned
a flower so fair ♪

♪ no Rose can compare ♪

♪ nothing respectable,
half so delectable ♪

And next,
from south of the border,

a lady who is
everybody's good neighbor,

the radiant miss acapulco!

♪ Caution, on your guard
with beautiful girls ♪

♪ flawless charmers,
every one ♪

[ Latin music plays ]

Last, through the locks
of the Panama canal

comes the beautiful symbol
of tropical paradise,

the exquisite miss Panama canal!

♪ This is how Samson was shorn ♪

♪ each in her style
of Delilah reborn ♪

♪ each a gem, a beautiful ♪

♪ diadem of beautiful ♪

♪ welcome them,
the beautiful gi-i-i-i-i-rls ♪

♪ you can keep
those rock songs ♪

♪ I don't need
those schlock songs ♪

♪ only summer stock songs ♪

♪ set me tappin' my toe ♪

♪ how we love to sing a ditty
that's witty and styling ♪

♪ something just finessed
for a rest or enjoyment ♪

♪ want to sing a show tune ♪

♪ a lerner and a lowe tune ♪

♪ gotta sing a show tune ♪

♪ from a Broadway sho-o-o-o-w ♪

I'm sure everything is
all right with uncle Elliot.

No. Something happened to him.
I can feel it.

Excuse me. We're looking
for a Mrs. Banning.

I'm Mrs. Banning.

The wife
of Mr. Elliot banning?

I knew it. Something horrible
has happened to Elliot.

I knew it!

Mrs. Banning, I've been
instructed to deliver
this to you.

Oh, my goodness,
what's happened to him?!

Aunt Sylvia,
it looks like a present.

[ Gasps ]

Oh, my!

It's so gaudy!

I just love it!

Oh, listen.

"My dearest darling, I'm sorry
I've been out of touch,

"but I had to go
to Africa

"to buy the world's
largest diamond mine.

"And as a token
of my love for you,

I'm naming it the Sylvia."

Isn't that touching?

My own diamond mine.

Now instead of
having to keep bothering

those poor, dear,
overworked Tiffany's salesmen,

I can go right into
my own diamond mine

and shovel out
what I need.

Oh, gee!

Julie: Bye.

[ Laughs ]

Mom, it's been great
to see you.

You were so fantastic
in the show.

Well, let's face it --
the others were fantastic, too.

I think they all tied
for second place.

[ Laughs ]

Uh-oh.

Oh.

Goodbye, Isaac.

Goodbye, Mr. Bigelow.

Goodbye, Millie.

You broke my heart.

Oh, Lionel!
You'll get over it.

And we're gonna be friends --
I mean really good friends.

But remember, this is not
a friendship ring.

Ooh!

Bye-bye, baby.

See you, honey.

Bye-bye.

Millie, Millie!

Connie, Trish, it was so good
seeing you again.

I hope you had
a good time.

Oh, it was a lot of fun,
but it was a lot of work.

This is the first time

I've ever left a cruise ship
needing a vacation!

Trish! Just wanted
to say goodbye.

And I hope I'll see a lot more
of you when this cruise is over.

Hey,
I just wanted to say,

if you two would like
to continue your romance,

you have my blessing.

Oh, gee, thanks, doc.

That sounds like
a lot of fun,

but I don't think my boyfriend
back home is gonna like it.

Boyfriend?!

Boyfriend?!

Well, how come --

you never asked.

Come on, Trish.
[ Laughs ]

Are you just gonna stand there
with your mouth open,

or are you gonna
kiss your mother goodbye?

Oh! Bye, mom.

Hope you can come back
for next year's show.

I will, but only
if I get one thing.

What's that?

An invitation.

Ah.

Goodbye, doc.

Goodbye, roz.

Oh, e-excuse me.

Goodbye, son.

Bye.

Victor...
I've been looking for you.

I didn't want you to leave
without saying goodbye.

Roz, I couldn't leave
without saying goodbye,

because we're never
going to say goodbye.

Come on.

Well, Vicki, our crew has some
really terrific relatives --

mothers, aunts,
mothers-in-law.

And a really great father,
too.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Okay.

Oh, captain stubing,
thank you so much

for letting us put on
the show.

We're sorry if it took too much
time away from our jobs.

♪ I knew we could do it ♪

♪ there was nothin' to it ♪

♪ we ought to do one
every year ♪

Right!

Right!

Right!

Right!

♪ We gave it a go,
and what do you know? ♪

♪ We put the show on ♪

♪ right he-e-e-e-e-re ♪