05x20 - The Musical/My Ex-Mom/The Show Must Go On/The Pest/My Aunt, the Worrier: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

♪ Love ♪

♪ exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making
another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something
for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard,
it's l-o-o-o-ove ♪

Uh-oh!

Uh-oh!

Uh-oh!

Uh-oh!

Did he call you?

Yeah. Did he call you?

Yeah.
Did he call you?

Yeah.

He even called me,
and I'm his own kid!

I didn't like the sound of his
voice at all.

What's this about?
What does he want to see us for?

I don't know,
but my guess is

he isn't giving us
any medals.

I think you're right
there.

Come in.

You wanted to see us,
sir?

Yes. I have a little
question for you.

What's this about
a cruise show?

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

We were hoping to surprise
you, sir.

You did.

It's gonna be our first annual
cruise show.

Your last annual cruise show
if it isn't good.

Oh, it's gonna be
great, sir.

It's a real razzmatazz
musical revue.

Oh, and wait till you see
the script

that gopher and Isaac
came up with.

Gopher and Isaac?

Yes, sir --
"the love boat folly!"

"Folly" seems to be
the right word.

Don't worry, sir.

This show
is gonna be terrific.

Why, heck, the opening number
is gonna be just like

those old Mickey Rooney,
Judy garland movie musicals --

well, you know --

where Mickey says,
"hey, let's put the show on

right here in
this old barn."

We don't have a barn.

Even better, sir,
we've got a ship!

♪ Ain't got a theater,
who needs a theater? ♪

♪ Let's put the show on
right here ♪

♪ ain't got a band ♪

♪ who needs a band? ♪

♪ We play the greatest kazoos
in the land ♪

[ Kazoo plays ]

♪ We ain't got
no costumes ♪

♪ we'll make our own
costumes ♪

♪ the sets won't be chic,
but sincere ♪

♪ to Broadway we go,
but we ain't got the gold ♪

♪ let's put the show on
right here ♪

All right, all right!

Now, who's going to perform
in this extravaganza?

We are, sir,
and some very special talent.

Remember the way
my mom wowed them

in the acapulco lounge
when she was onboard last?

Well, I invited her to be
in the show.

And I invited my mom.

She quit show business
to raise a family,

but she can still belt a song.

And my aunt Sylvia's
gonna come back.

Remember how everybody loved her
when she sang on the ship?

And we've got my
ex-mother-in-law
Connie carruthers,

the big Broadway star.

I'm impressed.

A cast like that should be
playing the palace.

Who needs the palace?

♪ Light the proscenium ♪

What's a proscenium?

♪ Let's put the show on
right here ♪

You ain't got a star.

♪ Hardy har har ♪

♪ what kind of bums
do you think that we are? ♪

♪ Collections we'll take up ♪

♪ props and full makeup ♪

♪ we oughta be doin'
"king lear" ♪

♪ we're ready to go,
ready and sold ♪

♪ what do we care
if the palace is gold? ♪

♪ Let's put the show on ♪

♪ right he-e-e-e-re ♪

Guess who we're gonna ask
to be the male lead?

Burt Reynolds.

But he's gonna say no, so we
want you to do it.

Well, who could play
the part of the captain

better than the captain?

Thank you, Adam, thank you,
but I have a ship to run.

And may I remind you,
you have a ship to run, too?

Oh, gee whiz.

Oh, gee whiz.

All rehearsals will have to be
done on your free time,

and I warn you --
there must be no letup

on the way we look after
our passengers.

Is that understood?

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Dismissed!

♪ To Broadway we go,
to put on a show ♪

Ladies and gentlemen,

the pacific Princess is now
ready for boarding.

We will sail at midnight.

I love these midnight
sailings.

They're so glamorous!

You always expect
a glamorous crowd

when you're opening a great,
new show.

Absolutely.

Oh, there's the star of our
show, my aunt Sylvia.

Excuse me.

Aunt Sylvia!

Julie! Oh, my little niece
Julie, baby.

It's so good to see you.

It's good to see you.

Oh, you remember
Isaac Washington.

Isaac, how you been?

Welcome back, aunt Sylvia.

Oh, thank you.

Let me take a look
at you.

I haven't seen you
since you got married.

You know,
marriage agrees with you.

It surely does.

But even more than my outward
appearance,

marriage has changed me
here.

Really?

Wouldn't a sweet little trinket
like this

change you?

Uh-huh.

Oh!

Must be great being married

to one of the richest men
in the world.

But, Isaac, I love him.

See, I didn't marry Mr. Bantam
because he was rich.

I married Mr. Bantam because
he was nice.

That's the kind of man that's
always appealed to me --

one who's nice and rich.

Make way for the star
of my son's show.

Mom!

Hi, mom!

My baby!

My, fantastic.
You look great.

Was everything all right?

Everything is just
wonderful, just wonderful.

Julie, you remember
my mom.

I sure do.

It's nice to see you again,
Mrs. Washington.

I'd like you to meet my aunt,
Sylvia bantam.

How are you, Mrs. Bantam?

Delighted to meet you.

I'm so pleased you're
gonna be in my show.

Uh, there is only one star
in a show,

and when Millie is in it,
Millie is it.

Oh, lucky us.

Who is this broad?

Welcome!

Aunt Sylvia, hi.

Mrs. Washington,

your son and gopher really wrote
a great script.

Well, talent just naturally runs
in our family.

I'm sure I'm gonna
like it.

Well, I don't care if you don't.
He's not changing a word.

Oh, isn't she sweet?

Ta-da!

Connie!

Hi! How are you?
[ Laughs ]

Connie, I'm sorry, but we don't
allow dogs on the ship.

Oh, that's okay.
They just came here
to see me off.

They hate to miss
a good party.

Give them each a glass of
champagne and take them home.

Goodbye, Harold.

Goodbye, Marvin.

Drive carefully, rover.

Ha ha ha!

Oh, that's morse code
for "glad to be aboard."

We're so glad
you could come.

Everybody,
I'd like you to meet

my favorite
ex-mother-in-law,

Connie carruthers,
the belle of Broadway.

Wow!

Hi!

Oh, "the belle
of Broadway" --

that's got a great ring
to it.

Listen, is Trish
checked in yet?

Little Trish is coming?

Yeah.

There she is -- Trish!

Hi.

Oh, no. It can't be.
You're not --

hi, doc.

Trish? When I
married your sister,

you were missing
your two front teeth.

Now she's not missing
a thing.

Careful. That's my little sister
you're talking about.

I think I'm gonna enjoy this
cruise, mom.

Please don't call me "mom."

How are people gonna mistake us
for sisters

if you keep
calling me "mom"?

Go to your cabin.

See y'all later.

Bye!

♪ With a song in my heart ♪

Here comes my mom!

And there goes my hearing.

Oh! My baby!

Mom, you look fabuloso!
Wow!

You remember all my pals.

Oh, yes. Hello.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

I want you to meet all the other
ladies in the show.

Yes! I'd love to meet my
supporting cast.

I'll give her a supporting cast
on her leg.

Now, let's not be violent.

On second thought,
let's!

Girls, you wouldn't dream
of laying a hand

on another trooper.

However,
I do have the name

of a good hit man
in Detroit.

Oh, come on, girls.
I'm only kidding.

Let's be friends.

Who picked your mother
to be the star?

Well, it's only natural.
She's the most talented.

Hey, wait a minute.

My mother-in-law can dance
circles around your mother.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Let's face it, folks.

There's only one star,
and that's my mama.

I've got a few words...

It seemed to me...

Excuse me.
Pardon me.

...the belle
of Broadway!

My mama is not crazy!

Doesn't anyone work
around here?

I'm sorry about that, sir.

Victor.

I'd like to be directed
to my cabin.

Or do I keep opening doors
till I find the right one?

Please accept my apologies, sir.
My daughter will help you.

Yes.
Your name, please?

Oh, my goodness!

You're Victor moncrief,
the famous movie star!

I'm surprised someone so young
knows me.

Oh. Well, I watch
a lot of old movies.

Oh, I'm sorry --

it's a pleasure to have you
aboard, Mr. Moncrief.

Well, being retired years,
I'm surprised anyone remembers.

Here we are, sir.

Promenade ,
the best on the ship.

Naturally.

Uh-oh.

Something wrong?

Well, Julie put a note next to
Mr. Moncrief's name,

and his check bounced.

Oh.

Come on.

And your aunt -- your aunt comes
in a red outfit...

Ex-- excuse me!

A gentleman just came onboard
and asked,

"doesn't anyone work
around here?"

Oh, yes, sir,
we've got a lot of work to do

before we put the show on
right here!

♪ We're ready, and so
one thing I know ♪

♪ if we're a hit,
then to Broadway we'll go ♪

♪ let's put the show on ♪

♪ right he-e-e-e-e-re ♪

[ Air horn blows ]

Can I get a little service
here?

Yes, ma'am.
What would be your pleasure?

The bartender to go.

Mom, you don't know how happy
I am to have you here.

You can't be any happier
than I am.

I get a chance to see you,

and I get away from that
terrible pest at home.

Are you breaking somebody's
heart again?

I do not understand it.

I am not a spring chicken.

I am not even
a summer chicken.

But this Turkey is chasing me

like I was the queen of sheba
with an expense account.

What kind of a guy
is he?

Well, he's wealthy,
owns a big hotel back home.

His name is --

Lionel j. Bigelow.

I do not believe this.

You must be part
bloodhound.

I told you, Millie.

I'd follow you to the ends
of the earth.

Well, you should've checked
the ship's itinerary.

We're only going
to acapulco.

Oh, no, Millie!
I can't even swim that far.

Go away!

[ Laughing ]

[ Laughing ]

Isn't it amazing not to have
changed in all these years?

Why, thank you.

I meant moi.

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

Well, little sis
sure has changed.

I can see I'm gonna have my work
cut out for me,

keeping her out of trouble.

Now, now.
That's her mother's job --

I mean, big sister's job.

Just the same, there are a lot
of guys on the make

on this ship.

Well, if anybody should know
about that, it's you.

What does he think
he's doing?

Looks like he's being
a very polite young man.

Are you kidding?

That's my old --
I mean the old towel trick.

Why, thank you, gopher.

Not at all. I'm in charge
of towels on the ship.

Looks like the old towel trick
is rubbing you the wrong way.

Moncrief.

Yes, captain?

I'd, uh,
like to talk to you

about this check
you gave us, sir.

Can you imagine our modern
everyday banks?

They install computers,
which are supposed to make

financial transactions more
efficient.

Instead, the computers confuse
my name, moncrief,

with some poor slob named
monteath, who was overdrawn.

So the problem
was a computer error?

Exactly.

Well, then I'll just redeposit
the check.

Now, don't yell at
the computer.

You know how sensitive
they are.

Good afternoon, merrill.
Lovely day.

Yes, isn't it?

And with passengers
to match.

Roz, I'm sure you recognize
the famous Victor moncrief.

This is Mrs. Rosalyn Smith,
one of my favorite people.

It's easy to see why.

Well, I have some business
to take care of.

If you'll excuse me...

...and I'm sure you will.

It is you, isn't it, roz?

Yes. It's me.

Of course. Those same twinkling
eyes, they haven't changed.

And they're about the only
things I have that haven't.

It's been a long time,
Victor.

June .

That's right.
You remember.

How could I forget?

For someone who left me
waiting at the train station

with my bags packed,

I should think that forgetting
would come easy.

Oh, roz, I've dreamed about this
day when we'd finally meet.

And I had all sorts of wonderful
speeches prepared --

witty, sensational, sincere --

and all I can say now is that
that was a foolish young man

who thought that an acting
career

was the single most important
thing in my whole life.

And I was a foolish
young girl

who thought she'd never live
through another day.

Roz...

Oh, it's all right,
Victor.

We got through it --
both of us.

The young actor became
a star,

I had a wonderful marriage.

You had a wonderful
marriage?

Yeah, I've been a widow for over
two years now.

I'm sorry.

To think that the two of us
after all this time...

Look, let's have dinner
tonight.

Oh, I'm sorry, I can't.
Not tonight.

I promised the captain.

Then after dinner.

We've got so much catching up
to do.

Please.

Okay, it's a date.

But I'm not packing
my bags.

Roz, I let you get away
once,

but never again.

, , , .

, , , .

, , , ,
, , --

, , , ,
, , --

shuffle ball change,
shuffle ball change, step.

Shuffle ball change,
step, shuffle.

Off to buffalo.

Off to buffalo.

Isaac, gopher...

Sir?

Sir?

Don't you think you should
shuffle off to work?

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Not bad.

[ Indistinct singing ]

Good evening.

Good evening,
Mrs. Washington.

Good evening, Julie.

My, my, this is cozy,
just like my dinette back home.

Right this way.
The captain's expecting you.

Thank you.

Okay, miss, I'll take her
to her table.

Wait for me.
Wait a minute.

Will you please leave?

This happens to be
the captain's table.

Okay, I don't mind eating
with the help.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Oh, thank you.

Well, isn't gopher
joining us?

I don't think so.

Looks like he got lucky
without us.

They surely look cute
together.

Yeah, real cute.

Well, it's certainly my good
fortune

to be dining with such lovely
ladies.

Where's --
where's Connie?

Oh, believe me, merrill, when
she gets here, you'll know it.

She's coming!

♪ Dear lady, I adore you,
I would swim the ocean for you ♪

♪ will you sign my book? ♪

♪ Not now, boys ♪

♪ your radiance is thrilling ♪

♪ I am ready ♪

♪ I am willing ♪

♪ will you sign my book? ♪

♪ Not now, boys ♪

♪ you're more than a mortal
could ever express ♪

♪ oh, what is this magic
I seem to possess? ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ how I admire your taste ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ don't let it go to waste ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ I lo-o-o-ve you ♪

♪ how cute ♪

♪ It's the wrong time
and the wrong place ♪

♪ though your face is charming,
it's the wrong face ♪

♪ it's not his face,
but such a charming face ♪

♪ that it's all right
with me ♪

♪ it's the wrong song
in the wrong style ♪

♪ though your smile is lovely,
it's the wrong smile ♪

♪ it's not his smile,
but such a lovely smile ♪

♪ that it's all right
with me ♪

♪ and you can't know how happy
I am that we met ♪

♪ I'm strangely attracted
to you ♪

♪ there's someone I'm trying
so hard to forget ♪

♪ don't you want to forget
someone, too? ♪

♪ Well, it's the wrong game ♪

♪ with the wrong chips ♪

♪ though your lips
are tempting ♪

♪ they're the wrong lips ♪

♪ they're not his lips ♪

♪ but they're
such tempting lips ♪

♪ that if some night
you're free ♪

♪ dear, it's all right ♪

♪ yes, it's all right ♪

♪ it's all right, all right ♪

♪ all right, all right ♪

♪ Simply magnifique ♪

♪ elegant and chic ♪

♪ yeah, it's all right,
all right ♪

♪ all right, fellas,
with m-e-e-e ♪

Just dropped in
for a bite.

[ Big-band music plays ]

[ Music stops ]

Oh, we had such fun
that summer.

Yeah, I remember those long
walks after the show.

You would never take off
all your makeup,

used to leave a little bit
right here around your neck

so people would think
you were an actor.

You were wise to that
back then,

and all that time,

I thought you were just an
innocent little small-town girl.

I was.

And I believed everything
you told me.

Oh, but that's all gone
and forgotten.

Say, what is this business
about you retiring?

You're still in your prime.

That's very kind
of you, roz,

but I got tired of all that
phony Hollywood life.

I even sold my big
Beverly Hills house

so I could live
among the real people.

Here you go.

Two special champagne cocktails
for two very special people.

Thank you, Isaac.

Put that on my tab,
Isaac.

I'll catch you later
with the tip.

Thank you.

To the old days --
the good old days.

Hope you don't mind, I'd rather
drink to something new.

Fair enough -- to us,
a new beginning.

Julie...

What's the matter,
aunt Sylvia?

I'm worried about
your uncle.

Oh, excuse me
just a second.

Oh, no. Oh, no, no,
please don't stop dancing.

I didn't mean to interrupt you.
I'm so sorry.

Oh, don't worry.

I haven't been married to your
uncle for long,

but I know him like a book,

and you can believe me
when I tell you

that when he hung up that phone
and said goodbye,

it was one of the happiest
goodbyes that I have ever heard

in my entire life.

Aunt Sylvia, let's sit down
and talk about it.

And spoil your dancing?
Never!

Anyhow, Julie...

Your uncle's goodbye was
definitely a --

well, it was -- it was, so to
speak, as you might say,

it was a "I think
I'll mix myself

"a couple of double martinis
and go out

and see what's happening around
town" happy goodbye.

That's what it was.

I'm certain of it!

Gopher, do you mind?

Hi, mom.

Hi, Mr. Moncrief.

Hello.

Hello, burl.
Where's your girl?

Oh, doc's dancing with her.

Thinks he's her father
or something.

Excuse me, Victor.

I think it's time
for me to play mother.

Oh, excuse me, dear.

But you look
much too healthy

to be spending any time
with a doctor.

[ Laughter ]

Well, what I did in the dining
room wasn't all that marvelous.

I just danced a little --

you know, the way
Luciano Pavarotti
sings a little.

Oh, what a wonderful
performer she is.

She certainly is.

Why don't you
ask her to dance?

Who, me?

Yes.

No, I'm too clumsy to dance with
someone so professional.

Dad, you're not clumsy.

Well, anyhow, I'd feel clumsy
if I was dancing with her.

Besides,
she's the greatest.

Dad, you're not clumsy.

And why don't you
ask her to dance?

You really think I should?

Yes.

Okay.

Excuse me, miss carruthers.

I wonder if you'd like
to clumsy with me --

I mean, dance with me.

Why, captain, I'd be delighted
to do either one or both.

Thank you very much.

Well, this is the first time
I've ever danced with a captain.

Really?

Yes, I usually only
dance with admirals.

Well, what a fabulous
experience this is --

dancing with someone
so professional.

I feel as if my feet haven't
touched the ground.

Well, they haven't.

They've been on top of mine
most of the time.

Oh, not to worry.
The admirals do it, too.

Uh, perhaps, uh, we should,
uh, sit this one out.

All right.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Enjoying your champagne?

Oh, I love it.

Mom, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm trying to get away from
that terrible pest, Lionel.

Oh. Well, if you're trying
to get away from that
terrible pest, Lionel,

you better move away real quick,
because here he comes.

He's coming. He's coming.
He's coming.

There you are, dimple puss.

You weren't trying
to avoid me, were you?

Avoid you?

That's like trying to avoid
the shark in "jaws."

Ooh, ain't
she something else?

You know, she's not only
beautiful, but she's funny.

And can that gal
sing a song!

Well, you don't have to tell me.
That's my mama.

Come on, Millie.
Sing a song for us right now.

I don't feel like singing
a song right now.

Can you understand that?

Just like a woman --
wants to be coaxed.

Hold the music!
Hold the music!

May I have your attention,
ladies and gentlemen?

Tonight, the fates
are smiling upon us,

because we have
in this very room

one of the greatest
singers of songs

you've ever laid an ear on.

I'm gonna k*ll that man.

And when he's
laying down there dead,

I'm gonna really
put a hurtin' on him.

...round of applause, and she'll
come out and do a song for us.

Now let's hear it
for Millie Washington!

Go ahead, mom.
He's got you trapped.

Now go up there and give them
a good show!

Um, ladies and gentlemen,
I'm not gonna sing alone.

Isaac, get up here.

Mama, I can't sing.
I'm working.

I-I-I can't, uh...

Uh, this is my son,
ladies and gentlemen.

Get up here, Isaac.

We're gonna do that song
I taught you

when you were years old.

Do you know
"you make me feel so young"

in d flat, please?

[ "You make me feel so young"
plays ]

♪ You make me feel
so young ♪

You're still in your prime.

♪ You make me feel
so spring has sprung ♪

♪ and every time
I see you grin ♪

♪ I'm such a happy
individual ♪

♪ the moment
that you speak ♪

I never run out of words.

♪ I want to go
play hide-and-seek ♪

The boy's unique.

♪ I wanna go and bounce the moon
just like a toy balloon ♪

♪ you and I are just like
a couple of tots ♪

♪ runnin' across the Meadow ♪

♪ pickin' up lots
of forget-me-nots ♪

♪ you make me feel
so young ♪

Just a babe in the woods.

♪ You make me feel
there are songs to be sung ♪

♪ bells to be rung and
a wonderful fling to be flung ♪

♪ and even when
I'm old and gray ♪

No matter what people say.

♪ I'm gonna feel
the way I do today ♪

♪ because
you make me feel so young ♪

Come on and dance with
your mama like I taught you.

♪ And when my bones
begin to creak ♪

You'll still be
at your peak.

♪ I'm gonna feel
the way I do today ♪

♪ so giddy and girlish,
so juvenile ♪

♪ just be like your mama,
my honey child, because ♪

♪ you make me feel so young ♪

♪ so young ♪

♪ so... ♪

♪ ...young ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Connie, I've been
looking for you.

I was wondering if you and Trish
might like a late snack.

Oh, no, thanks.
I gotta stay in shape.

I gotta keep my taps tiptop.

Well, where's Trish?
Maybe she's hungry.

Oh, I don't think so.

Anyhow, gopher's taking her
for a tour of the ship.

At this hour?
I'll bet.

Oh, relax, Adam.

They're just a couple of kids
having a great time.

You remember how you were
at that age.

Yeah.

I'll k*ll him.

Beautiful, isn't it?

No, it's just pretty.
You're boyful.

I mean, you're bitiful.
I mean, you're be-- oh.

♪ When I look at you ♪

♪ I start to stammer
and to stutter ♪

♪ each word I try to utter
comes out da da da da-da ♪

♪ you come into view, and all
my insides melt like butter ♪

♪ I mumble and I mutter things
like da da da da-da ♪

♪ but there's
a song on the radio ♪

♪ it's moving up the chart ♪

♪ when you hear it, you'll
know what I'm getting to ♪

♪ 'cause that song on the radio,
it says what's in my heart ♪

♪ it's the one that goes
da-da da ♪

♪ da-da da da da da da-da ♪

♪ da-da da da da da da-da,
I love you ♪

♪ yes, that song on the radio,
it says what's in my heart ♪

♪ it's the one
that goes da da-da ♪

Yeah.
♪ da-da da da da da da-da ♪

♪ da-da da da da da da-da ♪

♪ I love you ♪

Uh, little sis...

Doc.

Isn't it past
your bedtime?

I guess it is getting
kind of late.

It's been such a big day.

Mm-hmm.

Good night, gopher.

Good night.

Now, this is just great.

My best friend turns out to be
a wolf in purser's clothing.

You're making
a big deal out of nothing.

We were just having
a little talk.

Yeah? Looked more like
lip reading to me.

Doc.

From now on, you confine your
talks to the telephone.

If you want to reach out
and touch someone,

make sure it isn't
my little sis.

Hey! Get off my case!
Trish is a big girl!

And who are you to tell me
who to see and what to do?!

You're right, gopher.
I won't tell you what to do.

I won't tell you anything

'cause from now on,
I'm not talking to you.

Yeah?! Well, the same
goes for me, too!

And if I were talking to you,
I'd tell you to bug off!

But since I'm not talking to
you, I can't!

So I won't!

Ha ha ha.
That was fun.

Yeah, I had
a real nice time.

Listen, I want you to go to bed
and get a lot of rest, okay?

Wait a minute, now.
Don't you worry about me.

You're the one
who needs the rest.

You're working too hard.

Once a mom, always a mom.

Good night.

Good night, honey.

[ Humming ]

[ Cork pops ]

Isn't it fine?

Just in time for the wine.

You're going to make me

have to give the chambermaid
an enormous tip

because she's gonna have to
clean you up off the carpet.

Lighten up, Millie.

You don't want to mess up your
future husband, do you?

My what?

Look, Millie.
I bought this for you.

Say you'll marry me
and it's all yours.

It is a big one, isn't it?

. carats of perfect
blue white diamond.

Mnh-mnh. It ain't perfect.
It's got a flaw.

What are you talking about?
That diamond don't have no flaw.

Yes, it does.
You go with it.

Now, you take it
and get out of my cabin.

Oh, think it over, Millie.

I'm not always gonna play
this hard to get.

Outta here.
Out. Out. Out. Out.

You know, I could make you
a very happy woman.

I know. I'm beginning
to feel better already.

[ Knock on door ]

What do I have to do
to get rid of you,

call an exterminator?

Oh, Millie, don't you ever
want to be somebody?

I am somebody.

Millie, listen to me.

♪ You're nobody ♪

♪ till somebody loves you ♪

♪ you're nobody ♪

♪ until somebody cares ♪

♪ you may be queen ♪

♪ you may possess
the world and all its gold ♪

♪ but gold won't
bring you happiness ♪

♪ when you're growing old ♪

♪ the world is the same,
you never change it ♪

♪ as sure as the stars
shine above ♪

♪ you're nobody
till somebody loves you ♪

♪ so find yourself
somebody to love ♪

♪ the world is still the same,
you never change it ♪

♪ as sure as the stars
shine above ♪

♪ now, you're nobody
till somebody loves you ♪

♪ so find yourself somebody ♪

♪ and I don't mean anybody ♪

♪ just grab
this gorgeous body ♪

[ Scatting ]

Hi-De-hi-De-ho.

♪ To love ♪

Lionel, go home
and go to bed.

I'm not tired.

Well, I am!

That man is sickening.

[ Knock on door ]

[ Knocking continues ]

Julie.

Aunt Sylvia.

Julie, I just phoned your
uncle Elliot, and he wasn't in.

But that's not
the worst part of it.

The worst part of it was

that the reason that
I phoned your uncle Elliot
in the first place

was because I had
a terrible dream

in which I tried to phone
your uncle Elliot

and he did not answer the phone
in my dream, either. See?

Well, I'm sure uncle Elliot's
all right.

Don't worry.

But I do worry
about it, Julie,

because, you see,
there's something else

that I haven't
told you about, either.

Besides your uncle Elliot not
answering the phone in my dream,

i also dreamed that he was
out with another woman.

No wonder he wouldn't
answer the phone.

That philanderer!

And I thought once out of show
business, life would be easier.

But taking care of investments
with boards of directors,

making decisions --

supporting ex-wives.
Ha ha.

You know, I've kept track of
more than just your movies.

Yes, I admit it. I've made
mistakes -- a lot of them.

But I think now
I finally know what I want.

Roz, our meeting like this
couldn't have just happened.

It's as if
it was meant to be.

Oh, please, Victor.
Slow down.

We're not kids anymore.

I know. And I've changed
so much since those days.

I've not only grown older,
I've grown up.

Have you really?

Yep. And to prove it,

I'm gonna exercise
unbelievable self-control

and bid you good night,
pleasant dreams.

I can wait for you, roz.

♪ Kiss today goodbye ♪

♪ the sweetness and the sorrow ♪

♪ wish me luck ♪

♪ the same to you ♪

♪ and I won't regret
what I did for love ♪

♪ what I did for love ♪

♪ kiss today goodbye ♪

♪ and point me toward tomorrow ♪

♪ we did what we had to do ♪

♪ won't regret, can't forget ♪

♪ what I did for love ♪

♪ won't regret ♪

♪ can't forget ♪

♪ what I did ♪

♪ for ♪

♪ love ♪

[ Knock on door ]

Yes?

I just wanted
to say good night.

Well, I should hope so.
It's after midnight.

Good night, sweetheart.

Good night.

Dad...

Mm-hmm.

Are you sure you won't
be in the cruise show?

It won't be half as much fun
without you.

[ Sighs ]

Vicki, everybody can't be
in show business.

Someone has to run the ship.

Besides, I don't think
it's very dignified

to see a captain running around
singing and dancing.

I guess you're right.
Good night.

Good night, darling.

, , , .
Ta-da!

No.

No. No. No. No.

[ Singing scales separately ]

Ladies,
it sounds wonderful!

How are we gonna whip these
four prima Donnas into shape?

Use real whips.

Ladies...

Ladies, I just --

ladies, ladies, ladies!

Ladies!

Ladies, the big number
in the show is called

"I want to sing a show tune."

Now, when I wrote the scene,
I saw it as a ballad.

Very light, very low-key,
very --

now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute, gopher.

Gopher,
when I wrote this scene,

I saw this particular
number as up-tempo --

you know,
somewhere in here.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Ladies, it's a ballad.
Trust me.

Ho-- hold on, gopher.
This is not a ballad.

This is a big number
in the show.

It's not a Stevie wonder
revival.

Boys, boys, boys, boys.

What?!

Why don't we get
Mr. Moncrief's opinion?

After all, that's a song he did
in one of his movies.

Good idea.
Mr. Moncrief, listen.

Would you show us how you would
do "want to sing a show tune"?

Oh, no.
It's been ages.

I don't even
remember how it leads.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Just this one.

Well, okay.
I'll give it a shot.

But remember, you asked for it.

♪ Want to sing a show tune ♪

♪ good old Broadway show tune ♪

♪ nothing that has no tune ♪

♪ something that has heart ♪

♪ something you can strum
or can hum by the hour ♪

♪ something kind of light that's
as bright as a flower ♪

♪ something with a tune you can
croon in the shower ♪

♪ to help the day start ♪

♪ you can keep those
rock songs ♪

♪ I don't need those
schlock songs ♪

♪ only summer stock songs ♪

♪ set me tappin' my toe ♪

♪ from "cabaret" to "carousel,"
let me tell you how fond I'm ♪

♪ of anything by Berlin or
Rodgers or sondheim ♪

♪ want to sing a show tune ♪

♪ a lerner and a lowe tune ♪

♪ gotta sing a show tune ♪

♪ from a Broadway show ♪

All right!

Oh, you're great!

Oh, beautiful.

Great.

Hey, listen!
Hey, wouldn't it be terrific

if Mr. Moncrief helped us put
this show together?

Yeah!

Great idea!

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

I came on this cruise
for a rest.

Come on.

We need you.

Well, you're
all very kind,

but if that's
what you want, okay.

All right!

Yeah!

All right!

Come on, I'll fill you in
on the show.

You girls just keep on
rehearsing --

it couldn't hurt.

I believe we have
a new director.

Yes, and the new director
has a new director.

Ladies, let's take
an hour for lunch.

Meet back in the acapulco lounge
at, uh, : .

All right.

Bye.

Okay.

Isaac.

Yes, sir.

There wasn't a rehearsal
scheduled for this hour.

We have a ship to run.

I know, sir.
This is all my fault.

I thought we needed
an extra rehearsal.

Isaac, perhaps what we need
is an extra barman.

I just left the pirate's cove.
The place is a mess.

Does he always
speak to you like that?

No, sometimes he says
the acapulco lounge is a mess.

Wow, this looks great.

It's just a little something
we throw together.

Oh, gosh, I'm starved.

Yeah, but I still don't see why
I have to apologize to doc.

Right. We were just
having a little fun

and all of a sudden, he starts
acting like my father.

Oh, come on, now, Trish.

Doc's only doing that
because he loves you.

Well, he sure has a funny way
of showing it.

Hmm, come to think of it, that's
what your sister said.

That's why she divorced him.

Good afternoon, Connie,
Trish.

Hi.

Hi.

Dining alone, I see.

No, but now they are.

Mom, uh, is something
bothering you?

This is not the right job
for you, Isaac.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the way
that captain stubing

let you have it before.

Oh, that. Well, sometimes
he talks like that,

but he'll be all right.

My son deserves better.

Wouldn't you rather have a job
where you're giving the orders

instead of receiving them?

Well, sure, but, you know,
as chief bartender --

I'm talking about
an executive position.

That's what I want for you.

Mom...keep the faith.

I'm sure
somebody will discover me.