05x03 - Two Grapes on the Vine/Aunt Sylvia/Deductible Divorce

[bunniefuu]

♪ Love, exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making
another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something
for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard
it's love ♪

[Caribbean music playing]

Oh, Julie, is everything ready
for Mr. Banning

and the
wine tasting competition?

Yes, sir, everything's ready.

Good.

Looking for someone?

Uh-huh, my aunt Sylvia.

Have you seen her yet?

Sorry, Julie.

I don't know your aunt Sylvia.

Believe me,
if you saw her, you'd know her.

Well, in that case,
I'll let you know
when I see her.

[Continues]

Ah!

Take a look at that.
Isn't that view great?

[Gopher] Yeah, it's great
to see Saint Thomas again.

Saint Thomas must have been
quite a guy

to have so pretty an island
named after him.

In fact,
he must have been a Saint.

Not even your jokes
are gonna ruin this trip for me.

This is the kind
of cruise you dream about.

Those sunny Caribbean days.

Beautiful days.

Those Caribbean warm nights.

Oh, I hear you, mate.

Hey, I'm talking
about Saint Thomas.

Saint Thomas.

Curaçao, Aruba.

♪ Day-o ♪

Then, through the Panama canal.

You know, I kinda feel bad
taking a paycheck for all this.

Fine, give it to me.

I don't feel that bad.

[Caribbean music continues]

Hi, welcome aboard.
I'm gopher Smith.

I'm Isaac Washington.

Hi. We're the butlers.

Oh, and I'm the bartender
and he's the purser.

I thought it was funny.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, all right. Okay.

Cabin , fiesta deck

is right through there.

Welcome aboard.

Thank you.

Excuse me, didn't you used
to be Annie Carlisle?

Didn't you used to be
Jeff Thatcher?

I still am.

Hi, Jeff.

How are you? Wow!

Oh, Jeff,
this is my husband, Kevin.

Kevin, this is my old flame
from high school, Jeff Thatcher.

It's not the same Jeff Thatcher
who drove his motorcycle

through the high school library?

Oh, I see Annie's told you
about me.

Any old flame of Annie's
is an old flame of mine.

Annie used to be the prettiest
girl at Madison high,

and she hasn't changed a bit.

Jeff used to be
the biggest bull artist

at Madison high,
and he hasn't changed a bit.

I never expected
to run into you here.

I'm here for the big
wine tasting contest.

I'm entered.

Oh, that's terrific.

I'll bet you two are on this
cruise for your honeymoon.

Not exactly.

We're on the ship
for our divorce.

See ya later.

Hello there, I'm Allan Curtis.

Oh, hi.

Where do I go
to pick up the $ ,

for winning the
wine tasting competition?

Well, you sure are
very confident, Mr. Curtis.

Where'd you learn about wine?

In la belle France.

Oh!

That's a little saloon
up in Harlem.

Hi. I'm Marion Blake.

You won't be for long,

unless you want to keep your
maiden name after we're married.

Where do I check in?

I can help you.

Miss Blake, oh,
you're aloha .

By the way,
my name is Allan Curtis.

I'll have to take your word
for that.

I like her style.
I also like her walk.

See you later.

Okay.

I'm Vincent Van durling.

I want to make sure my cabin
is on the port side

because the prevailing
wind is from the west,

and I don't want my palate
confused by the salt air.

Well, Mr. Van durling,
I'm not sure if that's possible.

Make it possible, my dear boy.
Hmm?

"My dear boy."

Has your aunt Sylvia
come on board yet?

No, not yet.

But my aunt Sylvia's
a real southern belle.

And she's been late
for everything her whole life.

I tell you, captain,
my aunt Sylvia's

in a time zone all her own.

Julie!

Aunt Sylvia, oh!

Oh!

Come on,
I want you to meet the captain.

The captain?

Aunt Sylvia,
this is captain stubing.

Captain stubing,
I hope you never have

to go down with your ship.

The world needs all
the cute captains

it can get.

Oh, I'll be careful.

Please do, you hear now.

Aunt Sylvia, I booked this
cruise for you and your friend
miss boucher.

Isn't she coming with you?

Oh, yes, she's here.
Now, where is she?

Oh, there she is now.
Betsy, over here.

[Laughs]

Miss boucher? I'm Julie.

I'm Betsy.

Hi.

Betsy has been studying up on
one of the world's richest men,

Mr. Elliott banning.

Oh, Mr. Banning is sponsoring

the wine tasting competition

on this ship.

I know. That's why we're here.

My plan is to meet Mr. Banning

and have Mr. Banning fall
head over heels in love with me

and in no time at all,
have Mr. Banning marry me

and make me one
of the richest women in america.

Isn't that a foolproof plan?

Foolproof. Foolproof.

Ah!

[Banning] Captain stubing.

Yes?

I'm Elliott banning.

Oh, we've been expecting you.

Welcome aboard.
Pleasure to meet you.

This is my daughter, Vicki.

[Vicki] Hi. How do you do?

Hello.

Mr. Banning is one of the
world's largest importers

of fine wines and liquors.

He's the man who's sponsoring

this wine tasting competition.

I think it ought to be pretty
exciting, don't you?

Well, it would be a little
more exciting

if I were old enough to enter.

Looks like it's time
to put your foolproof
plan into effect.

Goodbye. See you later...

Vicki.

Vicki, of course, yes.

Bye-bye. Enjoy your cruise.

Bye-bye.

Here goes step one of the plan.

Mr. Banning is just ruining
Betsy's foolproof plan.

Mr. Banning?

Mr. Banning,
that very attractive lady

just dropped her
handkerchief at your feet.

There you are. I'm sorry.

Incidentally, you're a very
attractive young lady yourself.

Oh, thank you.

Perhaps we'll meet again
during the trip sometime, huh?

Thank you,
Mr. Banning, thank you.

What are you thanking him for?

He called us young.

[Ship horn blowing]

Ah, miss Blake, we meet again.

How lucky can a girl be?

Miss Blake, face facts.

It's obvious you're
smitten with me

and are dying
to get to know me better.

So give me one good reason why
you won't go

into Curaçao with me tomorrow?

Because you're conceited,
presumptuous and arrogant.

I only asked for one.

[Laughs] All right, Mr. Curtis.
I'll go with you.

I know that when I go with you

I'll be able to think
of many more reasons

why I shouldn't
be going with you.

I could sit here for hours

listening to your compliments,

but I have to get ready
for tonight.

I'll see you after
the wine tasting competition.

Or during.

Hey, gopher, did you
sort through the mail yet?

Sure did.

Anything for me?

Afraid not.

What'd you send away for, Vicki?

An autographed picture
of my favorite person
in the whole world.

Oh,
you didn't have to send away.
I'd be happy to give you--

wait a minute.
She's not talking about you.

I guess I mean my favorite
athlete in the whole world.

Pat haden
of the Los Angeles rams.

I sent him a letter
telling him all the places

the ship would stop
so he'd be sure to find me.

Well, maybe there will be
something waiting for you
tomorrow in Curaçao.

Hey, I bet there will!
Thanks, Isaac.

Sure.

How about these kids, Isaac?

Isn't it silly sending away
for stuff like that?

Yeah.

If Vicki gets pat haden,
I'm sending away
for Terry bradshaw.

Don summers.

Hey, good choice.

All right.

Let's just move Mr. Banning
a little closer.

Sylvia, listen to me.

Here, Sylvia.

Sylvia, when Mr. Banning
comes out on deck,

I'm going to be reading
this magazine,

which contains an article
on wine written by Mr. Banning.

Right?

Right.

But if Mr. Banning

doesn't see me
reading his article...

I want you to say to me,
very loudly,

"Betsy, what article are
you reading in that magazine?"

And then beat it.

"Betsy, what article are you
reading in that magazine?"

And then beat it.

You are lucky
I'm such a quick study.
Here he comes now.

Pretend you don't see him.

Good day. Hello.

Oh, Betsy, tell me, Betsy,

whatever article are you reading
in that magazine?

And then beat--

it's a fascinating article.

It's all about wine, written
by a Mr. Elliott banning.

That's me. I'm Elliott banning.

I wrote that
article you're reading.

Did you?

[Chuckles] Yeah.

Well, Betsy's the one
to talk to.

She knows all about wine.

She's got one of those
cultivated palates.

Really, is that so?

Oh, yes.

She is a real connoisseur.

Me, I don't know vin ordinaire
from magnolia squirt.

[Laughs] That's the whole point
of the article.

It's written for people
just like you

who don't know anything
about fine wines.

Look, may I see the magazine?
I'll show you what I mean.

Wait, I missed a spot.

Ooh, that did hit the spot.

Oh, it's a tragedy what divorce
will do to a couple.

How you doing, Jeff?
Sit down. I'll buy you a drink.

Listen, uh... I know
this is none of my business,

but you two look so much
in love.

Why are you getting a divorce?

Twelve thousand dollars,
that's why.

Annie and I both work,
and we make
a pretty good living.

So if we file our income tax
returns as a married couple,

we pay a much higher rate than
if we file as two single people.

They call it
the marriage penalty.

So every year
we get a quickie divorce.

And we get home,
we file our tax returns,
get married again.

And it saves us enough money
to take a cruise
with plenty left over.

You two are gonna be the richest
couple in leavenworth.

Well, nobody's said anything
so far,

and this is our sixth divorce.

Yeah. The nice thing about it,
when you get married every year,

you're always newlyweds.

Right, honey?

Mm.

Jeff, you never got married?

Oh, no, no.

I never met anybody I liked

as much as Annie here.

Well, if you wait till tomorrow,

Annie will be single again.

[Laughs]

Well, hello, miss Blake.

I didn't think it was possible,

but you're looking
even lovelier tonight

than you did this afternoon.

Why, thank you, Mr. Curtis.

And may I say
you are absolutely right.

[Both laugh]

I wish I could stay and join you
for dinner, but...

I've just eaten,
and I have to clear my palate
for the wine tasting.

Maybe I'll see you there.

Just tell them
Allan Curtis sent you.

They'll give you the best seat
in the house.

[Chuckles] I bet they will.

Just stay out of it,
that's all.

Well, Betsy,
this time I've come up
with a wonderful plan

for getting you
and Mr. Banning together.

I've arranged with Julie
for you and Mr. Banning

to sit at table ,

and Julie and I will be way over
at table .

I see. We'll be at table ,
and you'll be at table .

[Both laugh]

Hi, aunt Sylvia. Betsy.

Hi.

Now, Julie, did you make
all the preparations
just like I asked you to?

I certainly did.

And there's Mr. Banning

already seated at table .

Go get him, partner.

He won't get away this time.

Julie, where is our table ?

Oh, right this way.

You know, aunt Sylvia,
you never told me that

you and Betsy
were old show business friends.

Oh, well, we used to sing
and dance together
in the follies.

'Course, I kicked much higher.

[Laughs]

But I am taller, don't you know.

Well, here we are.

Well, isn't this lovely!

Now, tell me, little Julie,

where are Betsy and Mr. Banning
and table ?

Here is table .

Hello, Sylvia.

Hello. Well, Betsy,
you said yourself

that table and table were--

i mean, you are
the mathematician.

Well, come on, girls,
let me order some wine
for all of us, huh?

Oh, I suppose so, Mr. Banning.

What would you like, Betsy?

Privacy!

Well, this isn't a very good
year for privacy.

Is it, Mr. Banning?

[Laughs]

So now I know why Annie

burned her high school diary.

[Laughs] Oh,
we were just kids then,

but I always
did wonder something, Jeff.

Did you really run out
of gas on prom night?

Hey, there was an energy crisis.

Not in the back seat,
there wasn't.

[All laugh]

[Stubing] Ladies
and gentlemen,

join us in the acapulco lounge
for round one

of the international
grand prix du vin.

[Chattering]

[Glass tinkling]

Ladies and gentlemen,
if the contestants
will take their places,

we will begin the first round
of the $ ,
wine tasting competition.

Miss Blake,
what are you doing up here?

I told them
Allan Curtis sent me.

The enemy is getting prettier.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
I am Elliott banning.

And welcome to the
international
grand prix du vin.

Tonight you will see experts
from all over the world

in an exciting
and extremely difficult test

of their knowledge of wine.

Now, for this first round,

each contestant has merely
to identify the grape,

the country and the region
in order to qualify
for the next round,

which will be held
tomorrow evening.

And so, to borrow a phrase
from our friends in auto racing,

ladies and gentlemen,
start your palates.

[Accordion music]

Not bad.

Insignificant.

[Slurps]

I like it.

Will the contestants
please record their results?

Remember, the grape,
the country and the region.

Not telling me you were
in the contest
was pretty sneaky.

But I still would like us
to get better acquainted.

Thank you.

You have all the makings
of a very good loser.

Thank you.

The answer is...
The name of the grape
was nebbiolo,

the country, Italy,
and the region, barolo.

[Audience applauds]

And the vintage is .

You're absolutely right,
Mr. Van durling.

Now, five finalists qualifying
for the next round.

They are miss Reed,
Mr. Rand, Mr. Curtis,

Mr. Van durling and miss Blake.

[Audience applauds]

Nice going. I was afraid
I was going to lose you.

Well, if you ever do,
just look one jump ahead of you,

'cause that's where I'll be.

[Julie] Good morning,
ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to Curaçao,

one of the most
picturesque islands

in the Netherlands Antilles.

You can sign up for sightseeing
launches in the purser's lobby.

Well?

Any mail for me?

Not yet.

I don't understand it.

Not only is pat haden
a great quarterback,

but he seems
like such a nice guy.

I mean, how could he
do this to me,

the personal local president
of the pat haden fan club.

Just a minute. This might be it!

Oh, I just knew
he wouldn't let me down!

This is so exciting!

It's just an advertisement.

They're trying
to sell me magazines.

Well, you could always buy one
with pat haden's picture
on the cover.

Maybe tomorrow.

Betsy, honey,
are you still mad at me?

Of course I'm still mad at you.

So far, you've ruined
every plan I've tried

to snag Mr. Elliott banning.

And don't tell me again,

"I didn't do any of it
on purpose."

Because you can cause
more damage by accident

than king Kong did when
he was really trying.

I know what I'll do then.

I'll think of what
king Kong would do

if he was trying to get
you and Mr. Banning together.

And then, I'll do just
exactly the opposite.

And I thought
you weren't on the ball.

[Stubing]
Attention, passengers.

Launches will be leaving
from the port gangway

to take you
to the main shopping district
beginning in minutes.

Be sure to see the
famous walking bridge
spanning the canal.

Or you may sign up
in the purser's lobby

for our Curaçao luncheon tour.

Hello, ma'am. How are you?

Grab the handrail.
Watch your step. Careful.

Excuse me.
Good morning, you two.

Hey, Jeff, how are you?

Hi, Jeff.

I'm really sorry you
didn't do better

in the wine tasting competition.

Ah, if you're
gonna lose a contest,

i can't think of a better place
of losing it

than the Caribbean.

I'm gonna take a tour
of Curaçao.

You want to come along?

Sorry, Jeff.

Today's d-day.

Huh?

Divorce day.

Oh,
you're getting it in Curaçao.

No.

Oh, no. It takes too long
to get a divorce in Curaçao.

We're gonna take
a short flight to where
we can get a quick one.

We'll catch the ship tomorrow
in Aruba.

That sounds like fun.

Why don't you meet us
at that marketplace

in Aruba that Julie
told us about.
Say three o'clock?

Okay, it's a date.
I'll see you then.

Next time you see us
we'll be happily divorced.

Grab the handrail, ma'am.

Thank you.

Oop, sorry, sir, launch is full.

Yeah, but I'm with them.

I'm sorry.

They're with me.

We'll have the jaboulet
vercherre beaujolais, .

No, no, no, no, we'll have the
napa valley zinfandel, .

I resent that.

Hey, I happen to be
the assistant manager

of the best winery
in the napa valley.

And I happen to know
as much about wine as you do.

You're right.
You are a wine expert.

You're probably the second
best wine expert at this table.

How would you like it
if I got up

and you were the only
wine expert at this table?

[Laughs]
Don't be like that.
I apologize.

Bad enough we have
to compete with Van durling

without quibbling
between ourselves.

So many things we could
be doing that are more fun.

I agree.

Good.

[Sighs]

Now that we're friends again,
let me explain to you
about wine.

[Stubing] We hope
you enjoyed your stay
in lovely Curaçao.

Next stop, enchanting Aruba.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we will be docking
in a half hour.

Have a wonderful day
exploring the island of Aruba

and its colorful
open air markets.

[Laughs]

Ta-da!

Oh!

Oh, Kevin, it's beautiful.

Yeah. See that? Six shells.
One for each of our divorces.

[Laughs]

Now, don't forget
to read the card.

"Divorce is but a moment.
Marriage is forever."

No, marriage just seems
that way.

[Laughs]

Hey, when we get back
to the ship,

what do you say we
check out the casino?

Oh, Kevin, you promised
you'd take me dancing tonight.

I'm sorry, Annie. Maybe Jeff
will take you dancing.

I have a feeling that tonight
is gonna be my lucky night.

That okay with you, Jeff?

Well, okay.
As long as you promise

not to lose the money
we save on taxes.

Oh.

[Stubing] Attention,
please. The second round
of our fabulous

wine tasting competition
is now underway

in the acapulco lounge.

Now, in this second
and more difficult round,

the contestants must not only
know the grape,

the country and region
of origin,

but they must also
know the vintner.

Now, if everyone is ready,
will you please taste the wine?

It's amazing how they can
identify wine

from anywhere in the world
with a single taste.

I'm kinda jealous.

I wish I could do that.

Now, now, Adam. No sour grapes.

As soon as we
collect the results,

we will know
which of our contestants is
just one step closer

to the grand $ , prize.

Here we are, thank you.

Now the chosen wine this evening
was a French gamay grape,

a burgundy
from the beaujolais region,

and the vintner
was Louis latour,

vintage .

' . Hmm.

Hmm.

Now, we have three
who answered correctly.

Mr. Van durling,
Mr. Curtis and miss Blake.

Our next competition
will be tomorrow afternoon.

So until then, see you then.

That last wine
was especially lovely.

I'll drink to that.

If you had the expertise
of a true oenophile,

you would know that
that wine was produced

from grapes that were grown
too close to the road.

I like grapes that are grown
too close to the road.

In fact, I like grapes that are
grown in the middle of the road.

That way,
they're already stomped.

That's very droll.

Well, I should love to continue
this stellar conversation,

but regrettably, I have other
plans for the evening.

[Sneezes]

She must be allergic to snobs.

[Stubing] We hope
you enjoyed Aruba.

We will now be cruising
towards the Panama canal.

[Dance music]

What do you mean?

I don't see
what's wrong
with going up

and asking
the captain
to dance.

Don't you think
I should have done it

instead of you? [Laughs]

Jeff, you haven't changed a bit.

You're just as crazy
as you were in high school.

That's ridiculous.
I've grown up.

However...

I will now perform
a trick previously attempted

only by the great wallenda.

Jeff, be careful.

Quit messing around, Jeff.

Fear not,
I have everything under control.

[Screams]

Oh, no!

For my next trick,
the great wallenda
will now drown.

Come up out of there.

Whoo! Well, it's a nice night
for a swim, anyway.

You are such a child. [Laughs]

No. No, no. You wouldn't.

I just wanna dance.

You wouldn't. No. You wouldn't.

Come on.

You would! You would!

Put me down, now. Come on.
Please, don't throw me
in the pool.

Annie, I wouldn't throw you
in the pool.

Oh, no!

I will carry you into the pool.

No, Jeff. I'm gonna k*ll you.
I'm really gonna k*ll you.

[Screams] No!

I think it looks better wet.

You're not as crazy
as you were in high school!

You're crazier!

[Playing piano]

You know, Allan,
when you play like that,

I like you more and more.

Thank you.

But I still think French wines

are far better than
California wines.

You're wrong,
and I can prove it to you.

How?

I've got a couple of bottles

of very delicate
California wine

back in my cabin.

And if you don't like those,

i got a couple of bottles
of bourbon.

Now Julie,
are you absolutely positive

that everything is ready

for the midnight candlelight
wine and dine

that I've arranged
for Betsy and Mr. Banning?

Aunt Sylvia,
don't worry about anything.

I've taken care
of the whole thing.

Ah.

And I'll be sure they have
the champagne in your cabin

at : exactly.

Oh, thank you, Isaac.

When Betsy marries Mr. Banning
and becomes one

of the richest women
in the world,

remind me to remind her

to give you a big tip.

All right!

[All laugh]

[Laughing]

Well, now I know why I don't do
those crazy things anymore.

Because you get cold and wet.

Well, believe it or not,

I've had a wonderful time,

but I've gotta go.
Good night, Jeff.

Where are you going?

I gotta find Kevin. He's got
the key to our cabin.

Oh, no.
You're not running around
the ship in those wet clothes.

You're going to my cabin.
We can call Kevin.

Oh. Okay.
That sounds like a good idea.

[Both shivering]

Julie, I can't tell you how
I appreciate you helping me

to set up this intimate midnight
candlelight wine and dine

for Betsy and Mr. Banning.

Nothing has worked out according
to Betsy's foolproof plan

to snare that cute Mr. Banning,
and Betsy blames me.

But everything
isn't always my fault.

I mean, look, when Grant took
Richmond, we lost the w*r.

And I wasn't
even in the neighborhood.

[Knocking]

That's Mr. Banning!

Betsy, Mr. Banning is here!

So stop being mad
in the bathroom and come out

and enjoy your nice intimate
midnight candlelight
wine and dine.

Julie, would you please
let Mr. Banning in?

Sure.

Good evening.

Good evening. Good evening.

Now, Betsy, you just come
and sit down right over here

because you
are the guest of honor.

Mr. Banning.

Surely you know my dear,
sweet friend

miss Betsy boucher.

[Banning] Nice to see you again,
miss boucher.

Sit down, Mr. Banning, please.

Oh, now, please, please,
please call me Elliott.

Oh, no, Elliott.

I think it much wiser
if I call you Mr. Banning.

As you like.

Now you two just have
a wonderful time together.

Let's go, Julie.

[Knocking]

Now, whoever could that be?

Hi! [Chuckles]

You don't remember us?

We're the Norman axelrods.

You invited us for drinks.

Great balls of fire!

That was before I had this
intimate midnight candlelight
wine and dine idea.

Well, come in for a quick,
quick drink.

What'll you both have?
What'll you all have?

Anything.

Anything for me too.

Julie, honey, would you please
give them two anythings.

[Knocking]

Who could that be?

Hi. We're the Alexanders.

Line up over there.

With this many people
I'm surprised
you didn't get a bartender.

[Knocking]

Sorry I'm late.

There are only four people.
They can play bridge.

Here you are.
This'll keep you warm.

Thank you.
Any luck finding Kevin?

No, no. I called all over,
he just wasn't anywhere.

Well, we'll just have to
keep trying.

Oh, hey, thanks for lending me
your shirt.

I couldn't have stood another
minute in that wet dress.

Believe me.
The pleasure is all mine.

[Annie laughs]

Kevin.

I thought I'd find you here.

Hey, Kevin,
you missed all the fun.

Yeah, I'll bet I did.

Hey, wait a minute, Kevin,
you don't think that--

think?
I don't have to think!

I can see with my own two eyes!

Boy, am I glad
we got that divorce.

Kevin!

[Sighs]

[Chattering]

I've been to the most
wonderful party.

And I want to give
my best thanks to the hostess.

Oh, Mr. Banning,
you could sweep a girl
right off her feet.

That is if she wasn't
already off her feet.

[Both laugh]

Kevin? What time did you make it
in last night?

What do you care?

I came right back here
and waited for you.

I wanted to explain
about last night.

It wasn't what you thought.

There's no need to explain.

Kevin...

You have to believe me.
Nothing happened

between Jeff and me.

I know what I saw,
and what I saw wasn't nothing.

Oh, honey, we fell in the pool.

We were in his cabin drying off.

[Scoffs] With a "do not disturb"
sign hung on the door?

Right.

What?

Now, look,
don't play dumb with me.

And don't expect me
to believe a...

Dumb story like that.

Well, it's not a dumb story.
It's the truth.

And I do expect you
to believe me.

I'm your wife, remember?

I remember.

You're the
one who forgot last night.

You really don't
believe me, do you?

You bet I don't.

You think that after all
these years of marriage

i would have a sleazy affair
behind your back?

You didn't even have
the courtesy to do it
behind my back.

There's no reason to continue
this conversation.

Marriage is nothing
without trust.
If you don't trust me,

i don't want to be married
to you anymore.

[Door slams]

Well, that's fine with me!

[Yells] Oh!

[Stubing] Well,
passengers, this is it,

the highlight of our cruise,
the Panama canal.

What a wondrous sight.

The Panama canal
is miles long

and feet wide in the locks.

This monument
to mankind's ingenuity

and determination took
more than ten years to build.

The canal is a man-made shortcut

that takes , miles
off our journey

from the Caribbean
to the pacific,

allowing us to travel
in eight hours

what once took three weeks.

On October , , under
president Theodore Roosevelt,

the United States and Panama
signed the Panama canal treaty

authorizing the construction
of this engineering marvel.

Your island Princess
has now been raised feet

as we continue our
southeasterly course

through this modern wonder
of American initiative
and ingenuity.

Hi, Vicki.

Hi.

Make sure the captain
sees these, will you?

Oh, yeah, sure.

What are you doing
in here?

Why aren't you out looking
at the Panama canal?

I'll see it later.

Right now I'm looking
in this sports magazine

to see if I can find myself
a new hero

to replace
you-know-who.

Oh, pat haden's
getting the old
ax-a-Rooney, huh?

Please!
Don't mention that name
in my presence.

Because as far as I'm concerned,
there is no pat haden.

Well, if there isn't,
the rams are in a lot of trouble
this year.

[Stubing] We are now
entering gatun lake,

a man-made marvel almost
miles long.

It marks the halfway point
through the canal.

[Julie] The semifinals
of the wine tasting competition

are now underway
on the starlight deck.

What you see here is a feat
of incredible concentration.

Now, these people have devoted
their lives

to understanding the most subtle
nuances of bouquet and flavor.

[Sneezes, clears throat]

Well, now we will collect
the results and find out
who our finalists are, hmm?

Thank you. Thank you.

Ah, let's see now.

Two of our contestants
have answered correctly.

Uh... miss Marion Blake!

And Mr. Allan Curtis!

[Sneezing]

Brave try, Mr. Van durling.

It all tasted
like insect repellent.

That's right! But what year?

Well, looks like
it's you and me, babe.

No, it's you against me, babe.

Well, this Panama canal
is the most amazing thing
that I have ever seen.

Stop changing the subject.

Betsy, I told you before,
in all honesty,

that finding your best friend
down on her hands and knees

being kissed by the man that
you hope to trap into marriage,

who's also down
on his hands and knees,
was not what it seemed to be.

What was it, then?

Let me put it this way,

if a grown man and a grown woman

are both down on their hands
and knees,

there's not a great deal
for them to do down there

except look for somebody's
contact lens.

Or to, so to speak,
as you might say, kiss.

And since nobody
had lost a contact lens...

Exactly!

Betsy, as your former follies
partner, I swear, scout's honor,

that if Mr. Banning so
much as says a mumbling word

to me this afternoon,

I will get myself up

and throw myself overboard.

Well, here's your chance.

Hello, everybody.

Excuse me,

but half of "everybody"
is leaving right now.

Won't you join me for lunch,
Mr. Banning?

I was just about to order.

Hmm?

Oh, thanks.

You know, Julie tells me
that Sylvia

has been in many
Broadway musical comedies.

Of course she has.

As my understudy.

Oh, you sing too, do you?

[Laughs] Oh, yes.

If you like singers,

I might arrange
to sing a chorus or two

this evening
in the acapulco lounge.

Would you like that?

Yes. Of course.

[Stubing] Passengers,
don't miss the sunset
at gatun locks.

It's a sight to remember.

[Knocking]

I got your message.

Come on in.

I just wanted to make sure

that our competing
wouldn't hurt our friendship.

Don't worry, it won't.

Something wrong?

No. No. Nothing.

Come on, you can tell me.
We just said we'd be friends.

[Crying]
I just got off the phone
with my father.

He's all right, isn't he?

Oh, he's fine.
But mom's in bad shape.

She's been ill for some time,
but we didn't think
it'd get this bad.

And now she needs an operation.

Your mother?

Why didn't you tell me?

Well, it's not the kind of thing

you go around telling everybody.

I guess I'll just have
to win the contest,

so I can help my father pay
for the surgery.

[Knocking]

Radiogram for you, Mr. Curtis.

Thanks, gopher.

I'm afraid it's bad news, sir.
I was there when it came in.

I was expecting it.
Thank you, gopher.

Oh, Allan, what is it?

What's wrong?

Oh, nothing.

Really.
Just a delayed bon voyage.

Are you gonna be okay?

Yeah, I'll be fine.

Look, I have some things
to take care of.

I'll see you on deck later.

[Stubing] In one hour
we'll complete our journey
through the Panama canal.

This is your last chance
to glimpse this wondrous sight.

Betsy, you're gonna look
just gorgeous in that dress

when you're singing
in the show tonight.

Julie has arranged everything.

I do look gorgeous, don't I?

And I'll be in the spotlight
all by myself.

Mr. Banning won't be able
to look at anybody but me.

And don't you wear anything
while I'm singing

that'll make you
look gorgeous.

Betsy,
I won't even come to the show.

I'll stay right here
in our cabin

where I can't do anything wrong.

No, you better come
to the show.

You can do too many things wrong
when you're someplace

where you
can't do anything wrong.

You're right.

I'll go someplace

where I know
I can't do anything wrong,

where I'm absolutely certain
I can't do anything wrong.

Where's that?

Well, I don't know.
I thought you'd know.

Come to the show.

[Laughs]

Oh, gopher, I can't get over
Allan's terrible news.

Oh, yeah.

The news in that telegram
was terrible, wasn't it?

Well...
Well, actually maybe not,
if he gets a good lawyer.

That's right. A lawyer who
specializes in, uh...

Well, foreclosure.

Right, foreclosure.

Boy, Mr. Curtis is taking it
awfully well, though.

I don't think I'd take it
that well if I lost my home.

His home, huh? Thanks, gopher.

[Stubing] I hope you
enjoyed your voyage

through the magnificent
Panama canal.

Now enjoy an evening of dining
and dancing under the stars.

[Upbeat music]

Hey there, Annie.

You and Kevin get everything
straightened out last night?

What's the matter?

You didn't get everything
straightened out, did you?

Oh, that's terrible.

What's the big idea
of putting the "do not disturb"
sign on the door?

[Sighs]

I guess seeing you again
after all these years

stirred up a lot

of old feelings.

Boy, I'm really sorry.

I don't suppose there's anything
I can do to make it up to you.

Well, not unless you could
find me a place to stay tonight.

There's not an empty cabin
on the ship.

And I can't stay with Kevin.

Well, why don't you stay
in my cabin?

You gotta be kidding.

No. I mean it.
I won't be using it.

I've got a heavy date tonight.
I swear, honest.

Well, I guess I don't have
much choice, do I?

Thanks.

Okay,
here's the key to my cabin.

Now I have to go do something.

But I'll see you tomorrow.

Please, don't worry.

Everything's gonna work out.

You'll see.

[Julie] Attention, please.
The last round for the
wine tasting competition

is now underway
in the acapulco lounge.

Well, ladies and gentlemen,
it all comes down

to the fifth and final wine.

I can't place this one.

[Audience groans]

Well, I'm afraid Mr. Curtis

is out of the competition.

Well, now, miss Blake,

if you can correctly identify
this wine,

you will win
the grand prix du vin

and the $ , .

[Audience murmuring]

Châteauneuf-du-pape!

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, the correct answer
is château lafite.

[Audience groans, applauds]

Ladies and gentlemen,
for the first time ever

in the $ ,
grand prix du vin,

there is no winner!

You mean we don't
get to split the prize?

Sorry.

[Audience applauds]

Kevin?

You!

Don't hit. Don't.

I just came by
to tell you how sorry I am

about what happened
to you and Annie.

I'll bet.

No, I mean it.

I feel terrible about
what happened.

I just wondered if there
was anything I could do.

You know, if you needed someone
to talk to

or drink with

or if you
need a place to stay tonight.

You gotta be kidding.

No, I mean it.

Well... come to think of it,
I can't go back to that cabin.

Listen, here's my key.

You can stay in my cabin.

And I want you to take the bed.

I'll sleep on the couch.

Now, look, i--

I insist.

Come on.
It's the least I can do.

See you later?

Hang in there, Kevin.

[Gopher] Now,
ladies and gentlemen,

for your
late night entertainment,

it's showtime
in the acapulco lounge.

[Piano playing]

I see you wore something
to throw the spotlight on me.

It was the simplest thing
I could find.

A girl will have to make do.

Sylvia,
I haven't sung in so long.

I am nervous!

Now, Betsy,

you have absolutely
no right to be nervous.

But so much depends
on Mr. Banning liking me

and my singing.

Oh, well,
if you put it that way,

I guess you have every right

to be very nervous.

Thank you very much.

What is that?

Oh, this is a glass

of my own aunt sissy's
secret potion.

I drink it
whenever I get nervous.

I got butterflies
hoping so that you would do well
in the show tonight,

so I made a little for myself.

What's in it?

Oh, it's a little grenadine,

a half a cup of buttermilk,

the moisture from a magnolia
petal and a Georgia peach pit.

Excuse me, Betsy,

you ready to be introduced?

[Sighs] I guess so.
I am nervous.

Now, you go ahead
and introduce her, Julie.

She'll be fine.

[Band plays fanfare]

[Audience applauds]

Give me some of that.

Tonight we have a very
special surprise for you.

A singer who's done many
Broadway musicals,

miss Betsy boucher.

Go on, Betsy.

[Band repeats fanfare]

Betsy, go on.

[Hiccups]

Go out.

[Band repeats fanfare]

[Hiccups]

Great balls of fire!

[Indistinct]

Jeff, if you think I'm getting
in that bed with you,

you're out of your mind.

You've already broken up
my marriage with Kevin

because he thinks something
happened last night.

Now I know why you
wanted me to stay here.

Just another one
of your stupid stunts.

Well, your last stunt
cost me the man I love.

I'm getting out of here.

Annie, wait.

Kevin? What are you doing here?

I didn't think
you'd want me staying with you,

so Jeff said
I could use his cabin.

Well, that's the same thing
he told me.

[Sighs]

Sweetheart, I was wrong.

I never should
have mistrusted you.

Well, I-I guess things
did look a little suspicious.

Just a little.

Can you forgive me?

Of course I can.

I promise from now on
I'll always trust you.

I know you will.

Let's go back to our cabin.

It's a lot easier
to trust you there.

[Laughs]

There you are.

I've been looking
all over for you.

I thought you said
you knew about wine.

I do.

Then your palate must have been
completely out to lunch

for that last round.

I don't remember
you doing any better.

I was trying to let you win
so you'd have money

for your mother's operation.

Don't be silly, Allan.
My mother's fine.

Right now she's water skiing
in Florida.

You mean you were conning me?

I'm so ashamed.

I played on your sympathy
so that you'd throw the contest.

But when I learned about
your house I realized that

what I was doing
was just not right.

The radiogram was a hoax.

I don't deserve
your forgiveness.

I let the thought of winning
just get to me, and...

The radiogram was a hoax?

Yeah.

I sent it to myself.

But when you told me
about your mother,

I couldn't go through with it.

You!
I could have won that contest!

I knew every one of those wines!

You knew those wines? [Scoffs]

Two of them were from my winery.

[Both laugh]

Oh, that money.

I guess we were so busy
being unselfish

that we wound up
hurting each other.

And ourselves.

Well, right now, I'm going
to do the most selfish thing
I can possibly think of.

I'm going to take you
in my arms and kiss you.

Mm. You just keep
right on being selfish.

Sylvia, I cannot tell you
how pleased I am

that you asked me to walk
around the deck with you.

This is the first chance
I've had to be alone with you.

Oh, well, Mr. Banning,
just so you don't start getting
any wrong ideas,

there are still three
of us here.

Oh?

Well, I knew I was getting
older, but I didn't know
I was losing my eyesight.

What I mean, Mr. Banning,
is that Betsy had this
really foolproof plan,

and I have been just messing
and messing and messing it up.

What was this foolproof plan
of Betsy's?

Well, Betsy and I agreed
that the first part

of her foolproof plan
was that you and she

fall madly, passionately
in love with each other.

You and Betsy, that is.
Together.

Well, somebody certainly
messed up that plan,

because I just haven't
fallen in love with Betsy.

Well, she's a nice gal, but I
haven't fallen in love with her.

Betsy's right.
It's all my fault.

What was the rest
of Betsy's plan?

Then... please, help me,
Mr. Banning,

to make this clear.

Part two of Betsy's
foolproof plan

was that after you and Betsy
fell madly and passionately
in love

that she could become one
of the richest women in america.

So, Mr. Banning,
even if part one
of Betsy's foolproof plan

about you two falling madly,
passionately in love

didn't work out,

what can we do

about getting her married

to you and making her one
of the richest women in america?

I'm a good sport.
I'd be prepared to consider
helping out,

except for one thing.

It's always something,
isn't it, Mr. Banning?

Are you so inclined to tell me
what that one little thing
might be?

I'm already getting married.

[Laughs] Well...

That's the trouble
with foolproof plans,
isn't it, Mr. Banning?

Other people have other plans.

Will you marry me?

Mr. Banning, I have never been
so shocked in all my life.

Is that big stone
a real diamond?

[Laughs] Yes,
it's a real diamond.

Well, that being the case,
Mr. Banning,

after I get over my initial
shock, I shall be even more
shocked if I don't say yes.

In the meantime,
you better put it on my finger
so you don't misplace it.

[Both laugh]

Goodbye, doc.
Thank you for everything.

I'm just sorry that
after all those rounds

of wine tasting, nobody won.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

Goodbye, Mr. Van durling.

[Sneezes]

It's too bad
he had to lose by default.

Default?

De fault of that cold
she gave him.

Well, you two look well rested.

It must have
been a relaxing cruise.

Well, let's just say
it was quite an experience.

Boy, that's for sure.

[All laugh]

Thanks for everything.

Sure.

Thanks, Isaac.

Bye-bye.

There you are.

[Kevin] Hey, Jeff.

Looks like you two
got everything worked out.

Yes. Your little scheme worked.

In fact, we're on our way
to get married right now.

I thought
you were going to wait

until after you filed
your taxes.

You were gonna
save all that money.

We're all through with divorces.

We're not taking
any more chances
on losing each other again.

Bye, Jeff.

Uh--

Goodbye.
I hope you had a nice time.

Vicki. Something just came
for you in the mail.

Oh, probably just
another ad for a magazine.

Oh, golly, I don't think so.
It's from the Los Angeles rams.

It's pat haden! He wrote me!
He sent me a picture!

Oh, I knew he would!
I just knew he would!

What's the matter?

He didn't autograph it.

Well, that's because
I didn't know how you
wanted me to sign it.

It's pat haden!

I kept trying
to send you my picture,

but you move around so fast,

it kept getting returned.

Here.

"To Vicki,
my girl in every port."

Wow! Thanks!

Oh, sure. Listen,
I've got to hurry back now.

Halftime is almost over.

Bye.

Bye.

Later, big guy.

So, Vicki,
pat haden your hero again?

I'll say.

But I hope his wife doesn't
find out he kissed me.

Come see us again.

Thank you for sailing with us.

Oh, aunt Sylvia!

Oh.

Elliott.
Don't you two forget
to invite me to the wedding.

Oh, of course you're invited
to the wedding,

as my maid of honor.

And you are invited,
too, captain.

I'd be delighted to come.

After all, I'd never even
have met Elliott

if it hadn't
been for your cruise.

And my plan.

Oh, Betsy.

Oh, Julie,
don't feel sorry for me.

Mr. Banning is going to set
me up in a chain of boutiques.

Well, that's the least
I could do, isn't it,

for a nice lady whose plan--

foolproof plan!

Foolproof plan
brought me your aunt Sylvia.

And guess what?
For our honeymoon,
Elliott is taking me

for a trip around the world.

Really?

I'm so excited.

I've never been there.