04x17 - Lose One, Win One/For the Record/Mind My Wife

[bunniefuu]

[THEME TUNE STARTS]

♪ Love

♪ Exciting and new

♪ Come aboard

♪ We're expecting you ♪ And love

♪ Life's sweetest reward

♪ Let it flow

♪ It floats back to
you ♪ The Love Boat

♪ Soon will be
making another run

♪ The Love Boat

♪ Promises
something for everyone

♪ Set a course for adventure

♪ Your mind on a new romance

♪ And love

♪ Won't hurt anymore

♪ It's an open smile

♪ On a friendly
shore ♪ It's love

♪ Welcome aboard ♪ It's love ♪

The girls seem to get
prettier every cruise.

Well, the poor dears will have
to just suffer without me this trip.

An old friend from medical school
is coming aboard with his wife.

We'll have a nice quiet time
just rapping about schooldays.

Yes, that sounds very exciting.

There he is. Charlie!

- Adam!
- Hey!

Good to see you! Hey,
you're looking good.

So do you. This
is my wife, Sandy.

Sandy, what a
pleasure to meet you.

Adam, the worst possible thing
happened. I won't be able to make the trip.

My partner came down with pneumonia.
I've got to handle his surgeries.

You won't be coming?

I won't be able to manage
it. It'll just be Sandy.

I've got to run. I'm
late for the hospital.

Another time, I promise.

- Goodbye, honey. I'm really sorry.
- Goodbye, Charlie.

I'll meet the ship
when you come back.

You have a good time.

You see that she does.

Well... you heard
what the doctor said.

You there. Yes, you.

I'm Buckstone Cooper Ill
and this is Priscilla Hensley.

Our cabins, please.

Yes, of course. Let's see...
You're on the Promenade Deck.

Cabins 340 and 342. You can
go right through those doors.

- Come along, Priscilla.
- Thank you.

Boy, if he's the third, I'd
hate to meet one and two.

- Can I help you, sir?
- Yeah.

That lady that you just talked to.
Her name is Penelope Kipnis, right?

No.

No, Priscilla Hensley.

- Priscilla Hensley?
- Mm-hm.

- I could've sworn it was Penny.
- Your name, sir?

I'm sorry.

It's Rondo. Nick Rondo.

OK. Let's see...

Oh, yes, you're on the
Promenade Deck, cabin 110.

- You can go right through those doors.
- Thank you.

- Hensley?
- Mm-hm.

That lady has a clone named
Penny Kipnis. [LAUGHS]

- Did you see the way he looked at her?
- Yeah.

Wow! I wouldn't
mind being Penny!

[BOTH GIGGLE]

Hi. Excuse me.

I don't want to bother you, but could
you tell me where the Aloha Deck is?

Oh, no bother at all.
I'll show you where it is.

Here, this way.

What you do is just go right
down these stairs right here.

Oh, thank you. I'm really
looking forward to this.

I've heard so much
about these cruises.

Well, if you're looking for
excitement, you came to the right place.

I know.

I can't wait for
basket-weaving class.

Don't go too crazy
on the first day.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Can I get a list of all the
single girls on the ship?

Man, you don't waste any time. What
are you trying to do, set the world record?

Yeah. I'm Tony Streeter. I work for
the Encyclopedia of World Records.

Are you here on
business or pleasure?

Well... business for
me, pleasure for him.

That's Casper Martin.

Remember the name. He's
going to set a world record.

For what? Tiddlywinks?

No.

On this cruise, Casper's
going to break the world record

for making love.

[HORN BLASTS]

OK, then we have
the daytime activities.

Skeet sh**ting...

exercise classes, macramé, golf.

Would you please unzip me?

Uh-huh.

Uh... Shuffleboard, swimming,
basket-weaving, Spanish lessons.

And then, of course,
there's always...

Oh...

I'm sorry. Um... I better go.

Why?

It'll only take me a few minutes
to get into my bathing suit.

Um... I'll see you on deck.

Hi, Penny.

- I beg your pardon?
- Well, you're Penny Kipnis, aren't you?

I'm afraid not. My name is
Hensley. Priscilla Hensley.

Hey, come on,
Penny, cut it out, huh?

We went to high school
together, remember?

Your father had a
delicatessen on Fordham Road.

Um... I'm sorry, Mr...?

Rondo. Nick Rondo.

Mr. Rondo. My father spent all
his adult life in the Consular Service.

I was educated
and raised abroad.

And I have never been
on... Fordham Road, was it?

In my life.

As for delicatessens, I
must admit, I love the food.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Who was that?

A case of mistaken identity.

He was convinced I was an old
high school flame from the Bronx.

The Bronx? In New York?

- Unless they've moved it.
- What would give him an idea like that?

I haven't the faintest idea.

And if you're going to start
checking up on me again, Bucky...

No, no, Priscilla,
that's all over.

I mean, if you're going to become
a member of the Cooper Family,

we'll have to start
trusting you, won't we?

I guess we will.

Are you going to
stay out here all day?

Mm-hm. But if I leave,

I promise to come and sign out.

Mr. Streeter, can I
ask you something?

- Yes, he is.
- Were you on the level about...?

He is what?

Going to break the world's
record for making love.

You're kidding?

That little nerdy guy?

I know it's hard to believe,

but women just can't stay away
from him. He's human flypaper.

Which makes me very happy, since
it will also make me $10,000 richer.

How's that?

I've been collecting records
for the encyclopedia for 15 years,

and all I need is one more,
and I get a ten-grand bonus.

I've got to talk to him. He
might be able to give me...

Hey, man! Not a word
to Casper. Or anyone.

He doesn't know
anything about this.

If he thought for a moment
someone was watching him

and keeping records, it
would completely inhibit him.

You mean he's doing
this without even trying?

He's got a certain something
that attracts the ladies

and he just isn't
able to say no.

Take a look at this.

This is last month's tabulation.

All these women?

Casper?

And all he needs are four more
to break the record. Just four.

- Hey, champ, where you been?
- Oh, I...

helped this tall blonde
lady find her cabin,

and, uh... one
thing led to another.

[WHISPERS] Three.

Incredible.

Absolutely... incredible.

Hey, Gopher. Julie
asked me to remind you

that we may have an amateur show

and to keep an eye open
for passengers with talent.

- I already found one.
- Let me guess. He plays harmonica.

We always have a dozen
harmonica players. Harmonica, right?

You're not even close.

- Hi, fellas.
- Hi Adam.

Swapping lies with
your old schoolmate?

Uh, no. Not
exactly. I've been...

- kind of baby-sitting.
- Baby-sitting?

You see, my friend couldn't
make it, so his wife came alone

and he asked me
to... look out for her.

- Oh, one of those dowdy little housewives.
- Yeah, what a drag.

Well, she's not exactly dowdy.

Oh, wow!

- Ooh!
- That's her.

- Your friend asked you to watch her?
- Mmm.

That's like asking a cat
to watch the aquarium.

Come on, knock it off.
You don't think I'd...?

Do you think I'm crazy?
Charlie's my best friend.

What are friends for?

That's a lot of woman.
I don't envy Doc.

No, he can handle it.

Under Doc's carefree
manner, he's really very moral.

- Nothing will happen.
- I know. That's why I don't envy him.

Just being honest! Hey!

Hi. I'll have a
Scotch and water.

- OK.
- Where's Casper?

He went to get some postcards.

I still don't believe
that little guy's record.

Believe it. He's dynamite.

- Hi.
- Hey, pal, what took you so long?

Oh, well, the lady in Fiesta 136

asked if she could
see my postcards.

And before we even got
to "Moon Over Mazatlán"...

It was "bon voyage."

- [LAUGHTER]
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Fiesta 136? That's Lola Cloud's
cabin. She's got a body that won't quit!

And a surprising
interest in postcards.

How about a drink?

- Yeah, I could really use one.
- Give him a drink.

Isaac, could I have a
glass of milk, please?

- Straight up?
- Yeah.

OK, here you go.

- What's the damage, Isaac?
- Nothing.

The lady at that
table over there

told me to put all of
Mr. Martin's drinks on her tab.

Oh!

Are people on these
cruises always this nice?

Sure. Beautiful women
buy me drinks all the time.

- I almost forgot. Your vitamins.
- Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

Ah! I needed that.

Listen, why don't you go relax? I'll
send you over another glass of milk.

You know, I think I'll relax. You can
send me over another glass of milk.

Well, the magic
number's down to two.

With almost the whole trip
ahead of us, it's a piece of cake.

I don't get it.

[CHUCKLES] He does.

BOTH: Oh, I'm sorry. I
thought that was mine.

- [BOTH LAUGH]
- BOTH: You take it.

[GIGGLING]

BOTH: Hi.

I'm Norma Kittredge.

Hi, I'm Casper Martin.

It's always nice to meet
another milk drinker.

Yeah. Back in Nebraska, we try
to drink four glasses every day.

Nebraska? Really?

- I'm from Nebraska!
- What town?

Oh, I doubt if you've
ever heard of it.

It's a small town
called Bear Bluff.

You're kidding! I'm from Woodville.
We're practically neighbors.

- [LAUGHTER]
- BOTH: Small world!

[CHATTER, PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]

And then the planet said, "If
I could do that, I'd be a star."

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, I just love this! Being
surrounded by two gorgeous men.

Thank you very much.

Well, Sandy, what'll you have?

Well, for my entrée,
I'll have a steak.

And for dessert...

Hey, Isaac.

Isaac, whatever that monstrosity
is you've got there, I'll have one.

This is a genuine authentic
Isaac Washington masterpiece,

but you're gonna have
to settle for a copy,

because the original is
going to that lady there.

Listen, I'll deliver
this one, OK?

You can start on mine
before you run out of the parts.

- All right.
- Thank you.

- Your drink, ma'am.
- Thank you, Isaac.

Moonlighting, Mr. Rondo?

Look, I just want to apologize for
coming on so strong this morning.

I guess I wanted so
badly for you to be Penny

that I got a little pushy,
and I'm really sorry.

She must've been
somebody very special.

Yeah.

I guess I fell in love with her the
first time I saw her. High school.

She was a brand-new freshman

and I was a hot-shot
four-letterman junior.

- Puppy love?
- Maybe.

If it was, it took a long
time getting over it.

I don't even think she
knew that I was alive.

I doubt that. Um...

You're not exactly
the over-lookable type.

Priscilla.

Hi. Nick, this is my
fiancé, Buckstone Cooper.

Hi. People call you Buck?

Most people call me Mr. Cooper.

Right. I guess they would.

Bye, Priscilla.

That was rude and uncalled for!

Priscilla, I can't go
along with this business

of everybody being on a first-name
basis. I reserve that for my friends.

Nick happens to
be a very nice man.

Hopefully, your taste will
improve after we're married.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

This is great fun, Adam.
I'm really enjoying myself.

Yeah, me too.

You know, Doc, what really turns me
on is that you and I think so much alike.

[DOCTOR LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

- Would you like to dance?
- I'd love to. I love to dance.

Please. I'm not sure my
heart can stand the pace.

Mmm. You know, I think
I like it this way better.

It's, uh... getting kinda
hot in here, isn't it?

Let's hope so.

How about a long, cold bed?

Drink! I mean, drink!

- Whatever you say.
- OK.

You hang on at the booth...

There you go.
And I'll get Isaac.

Heavens!

- Merrill, please, I need a favor.
- Oh?

Sandy, that's
my friend's wife...

She's, uh... Well,
what I mean is...

- Uh...
- I've noticed.

I thought maybe if you could
spend some time with her,

I could duck out and make
some kind of excuse later.

- Sure, Adam.
- Oh, thanks.

I'm sure my friend's given her
some wild build-up about me,

but she shouldn't
be a problem for you.

Well, I'll just keep
her company.

What kind of problem
could that be, hmm?

- Nick!
- Mmm?

[SIGHS] Now it's
my turn to apologize.

No. Please don't
apologize. There's no need.

You're quite a guy.

What do you do when
you're not on a cruise?

Well, I've always been pretty
good at taking things apart,

like radios and TVs,
that kind of thing.

So I started off as a repairman

and now I have a little
business of my own.

Married?

- Because of Penny?
- No.

At least, I don't think so.

Penny was very special to me

and I still think of her...

but...

[NICK LAUGHS]

I guess this must
sound pretty silly to you.

No, it doesn't sound silly.

Nick... forget Penny.

She's dead.

Dead?

Oh, Nico, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to...

Nico?

Nobody's called me that since...

How do you know she's dead?

Because... I'm Penny.

I knew it.

Nick, listen.

Penny is dead.

Her place was taken
by Priscilla Hensley.

Priscilla Hensley, whose father
never owned a delicatessen

on Fordham Road in the Bronx.

Don't you understand?

Yeah, I think I'm beginning to.

Priscilla Hensley
is engaged to marry

Buckstone Rensalear Cooper Ill.

That means money.

Position.

All the good things in life.

So please, Nico...

don't louse it up for me.

[SLOW MUSIC]

Do you see Norma anywhere?

No. You've spent the entire
evening looking for her.

It isn't fair to all the other
ladies who are dying to meet you.

There she is!

What's new with
the love machine?

He still needs two
more to break the record.

But I'm not worried.

I guess he's just
having an off day.

His "off" days are better
than my "on" years.

Um... would you care to dance?

I... I... I'm sorry, ladies.

Norma?

Excuse me.

What was that all about?

I guess some people
just like to dance.

But they were all so pretty.

Not near as pretty as you.

Oh, Casper!

[NORMA SIGHS]

Do you really mean it?

Sure I do.

I would never lie to you.

There's something
about you that's...

very special.

I bet you say
that to all the girls.

No.

They say it to me.

[LAUGHTER]

It's so sweet of you, Captain,
to make sure I'm not lonely

while Doc is tied up.

It's my pleasure, Sandy. I like
keeping my passengers happy.

Besides, I've had an
enjoyable evening too.

Well, it doesn't have to end yet.
Why don't you come in for a nightcap?

Oh, I don't think I'd better.

It's... it's getting late.
Good night, Sandy.

You know, Merrill, you're
a very attractive man.

Well... it's...

it's the uniform that does it.

You must have quite a
problem on these cruises

with all the women
losing their hearts to you.

Yes.

I mean, no.

I mean, occasionally.

Very occasionally.

Are you sure you won't
come in for that nightcap?

You didn't notice?
I don't drink.

It doesn't have to be a drink.

[SIGHS]

I'm really due up on the bridge.

- I'm sorry.
- So am I.

Perhaps tomorrow night we
can pick up right where we left off.

- Good night.
- Good night.

May I join you, Nick?

Mr. Rondo.

And no.

[SIGHS] I deserve that.

I came over to tell you that
I'm sorry for my rudeness.

My only excuse is jealousy.
A bad excuse, but I...

No.

As a matter of fact, it's about the
only excuse that I can understand.

- Have a seat.
- Oh.

- Glad that's over.
- Me too.

Priscilla tells me you mistook
her for an old friend of yours.

Yeah.

Of course, I can see now that
she doesn't really look like her.

It's just a vague resemblance.

Uh-huh. Funny how
the mind plays tricks.

An old girlfriend?

High school.

Good old Thomas Edison.

What year was that?

It was... too long
ago to remember.

Hey, listen, can I
buy you a drink?

Uh, no, I have to make a
call. But perhaps another time.

[LAUGHTER]

I've never had such a good
time with anyone before.

You make me feel like
I'm the only girl in the world.

You are...

as far as I'm concerned.

Well, here's my cabin. I
had a wonderful evening.

Oh, me too.

- NORMA: Good night.
- CASPER: Good night.

- Casper...
- Yes?

Would you like to come
in for a cup of coffee?

[LAUGHING SHYLY]

I... I'd love to.

Uh, Norma...

I have a confession to make.

I don't drink coffee.

Well, that's OK.
I don't have any.

[GIGGLING]

Thank you, Norma Kittredge...
from the bottom of my bank book.

Your record for lovemaking
is just about broken.

Just one more lady to go.

[CHUCKLES] What kind of
breakfast is that for a growing girl?

It's the only kind I can have
so I stop being a growing girl.

Where's Buckstone Three?

Are you serious? He
never gets up before noon.

Ah.

Good. Listen, I
want to talk to you.

Well?

Penny, you can't do it.
All right, all right. Priscilla.

- But you still can't do it.
- Do what?

Marry that guy for his money.

You show me where
it's engraved in stone.

What about love?

Love? I'll tell you about love.

My mother married for love
and you know what it got her?

A three-room flat in the Bronx,

six kids, a lifetime of
cooking, cleaning and mending.

Never any time...
or money for herself.

She had one dream.

Getting her hair done
by a real hairdresser.

But something else
always came first.

She died at the
ripe old age of 36,

and her dream died with her.

[EXASPERATED
SIGH] No, thanks, Nick.

Maybe I am a cold,
calculating gold-digger.

But that is never
going to happen to me.

Never.

So... do we let
Penny rest in peace...

or do I have to leave again?

All right.

Eat your breakfast,
or whatever that is.

You win.

Friends?

Friends.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

- Good morning, Adam.
- Morning, Merrill.

Listen... have you lost a few
pounds? You look very trim.

Well, thank you for noticing.

- I've been working on it, yes.
- Yeah.

Listen, could you take Sandy
ashore when we get to Mazatlán?

You know, show her
the town and give her...

Adam. I don't think I want to
spend any more time with her.

She didn't!

She did.

You're kidding! She
made a pass at you?

What's so strange about that?
Some women find me very attractive.

I didn't mean that. I was just
wondering if she actually...

Are you sure that she
made a pass, I mean?

Of course I'm sure. I know
a pass when I see one.

And this wasn't one of
those short yardage passes.

This was... a b*mb.

Ooh!

Maybe if she was with someone
less appealing, it would cool her down.

You know, someone
less worldly, less mature.

But who? Who?

Gopher!

Um... I don't know.
Can he be trusted?

What other choice
do you have? Well?

- Gopher.
- Gopher.

JULIE: [OVER PA]
Attention, please.

All passengers going
ashore in Mazatlán,

the tour buses are
now waiting on the dock.

Oh!

Ah, Miss...

I'd like that
painting. It's a gift.

- Hey, Casper.
- Hey.

Hey, man. While you
were out, Libby in 110,

Candy from the Promenade Deck

and Mary Lou who saw
you in the dining room called.

Take your pick, champ.

Thanks, Tony, but I'm not
going to see any of them.

- I've found Miss Right.
- Miss Right?

Oh you mean Wanda Wright,
the redhead from across the hall?

- Good choice.
- No, no, no! Tony, Tony.

- I think I'm in love.
- What?

From now on, Norma's
the only woman in my life.

What are you talking...?
Why... why the big...?

- There are plenty of others out there.
- Yeah. I don't want anyone else.

Not even one?

Look, why would I risk my
relationship with Norma?

I can think of ten
thousand reasons why.

Casper, you can't do
this! All those poor women.

It's your duty as
a good American.

[LAUGHING] Look, I don't want
to hurt anyone's feelings, you know,

but I don't think Norma'd like the
idea of my being with someone else.

No, I'll bet she wouldn't.

Cablegram for you, Mr. Cooper.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Bad news?

I think you'd better read this.

Priscilla Hensley,
née Penelope Kipnis.

Born Bronx, New
York, June 26th, 19...

You couldn't leave it
alone, could you, Bucky?

And with good
reason, as it turns out.

You weren't exactly
truthful with me, Priscilla.

Well, that's one for your side.

But does it justify your spying on
me, or do they cancel each other out?

Let's not make this any
more difficult than it already is.

[SIGHS]

You know I'm very fond
of you, but my family...

I think you should leave, Bucky.

You're beginning to depress me.

Well, just try the medication.

You should be feeling better
in the morning. OK. Bye-bye.

You wanted to see me, Doc?

How's my old pal,
Gophie? Good to see you.

What do you want?

It's about Sandy.

I'd like you to take care of her.
Just... for the rest of the cruise.

- Forget it.
- Gopher!

You're supposed to be my friend.

- Doc, I am your friend.
- Well?

Well, I couldn't
handle the temptation.

You actually expect
me to sit there and look

at that gorgeous body,
and that sensational face...

Don't do that.

- And the long, beautiful legs...
- Stop it!

- And the sensuous...?
- Stop it!

Doc, I'd like to help you out, but it
would take a man of iron not to respond.

I guess you're right.

It would take a man of iron.

So... I'll handle it myself.

There are only 24 hours left.

I'll just keep reminding
myself that she's married

to my very old and
very dear friend...

Charlie!

Oh, Norma?

Norma, hi. My name
is Tony Streeter.

I work for the Encyclopedia of
World Records. Congratulations!

- For what?
- You're going to be famous.

Your name will be listed

with the greatest Casanova
of all time, Casper Martin.

What are you talking about?

Your little rendezvous last night?
[CHUCKLES] It made romantic history.

Now all Casper needs
is one more woman

and he breaks the world
record for lovemaking.

There must be some mistake.

Here, look for yourself.

There are all the
ladies, and that's you.

Are you saying that I'm nothing
more than a statistic to him?

Oh...

Look, I'll see you
around. Have a good day.

Norma, hi.

This is for you.

Is this my prize?

Huh?

You Casanova!

Does this mean it's over?

What's the matter?

If you're the kind of guy who
likes to say "I told you so,"

now's your chance.

You wanna run that
by me one more time?

Sure.

Buckstone Rensalear
Cooper Ill just dumped me.

I'm sorry.

Penny, it's not the
end of the world.

Yes, it is.

Unless you can think of
something I haven't been able to

since the roof caved in.

Well... there's one
thing that you can do.

Marry me.

Oh, Nick!

Dear, sweet Nico.

Do you remember saying

you thought I didn't know you
were alive, back in the old days?

I knew.

The only thing that kept me
from falling at your feet was fear.

I was petrified of
your rejecting me.

You're kidding!

No.

Well, baby, that makes
everything perfect.

We can pick up right from
there. There'd be no preliminaries.

We're not those kids anymore.

And I told you...

I don't want to live my
mother's life all over again.

- Penny...
- Shh.

No, don't.

- Penny...
- It won't work.

Please, Nico.

Make it easy.

All right.

What's with him?

Some dame clobbered him over
the head and told him to take a hike.

Oh...

She was the sweetest...

the gentlest girl I ever met.

Sounds like it.

Look, when you fall off a horse,
you've got to get right back on.

There'll be plenty of
girls up to dance. Let's go.

Hey, I'm not interested
in anyone else.

Have you tried talking to her?

[SIGHS] Did I ever!

I called her a dozen times.

I went to her cabin. I
even sent her flowers.

She doesn't want
anything to do with me.

Will you forget her?

Maybe he's right.

Hey, I can't forget her.

You're really stuck
on her, aren't you?

I don't think anybody could
feel worse than I do right now.

I do.

Priscilla...

I was wrong.

You were wrong?

Well, that's a first, Bucky.

Well, I was upset.

I mean, finding out you weren't
the person you claimed to be.

I'm still the same
person, Bucky.

Only the names were
changed to protect the guilty.

All I'm guilty of is being
born in the Bronx and poor.

- Which part bothers you the most?
- Please try to understand.

You know my family and their
concern about the woman I marry,

the sort of children we'd have.

Bucky, let's drop it. I'm not going
to be your wife. So there isn't any...

But I still feel the
same way about you.

You have the
looks, intelligence...

All my own teeth.

Perhaps it could work.

Are you saying despite
knowing who I am...

that you still want to marry me?

Yes, Priscilla, that's
what I'm saying.

- Can I talk to you?
- If you're here to tell me

about Casper's latest, thanks, but
I'll wait till it comes out in paperback.

Look, Casper isn't interested in
any conquests. He never really was.

But you told me...

That's because I wanted you to dump
him so another woman would grab him

and then the
encyclopedia would pay me

for submitting his
lovemaking record.

I mean, don't blame Casper.

He doesn't even know
anything about the record.

And he doesn't care
about anybody but you.

But what about all those
other women? That long list?

Look, the past isn't
important, Norma.

What's important is that
there's a guy who adores you

standing alone at the back of the ship
considering throwing himself overboard.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

I will never forget the night
Charlie brought a shark back

from the dissecting
lab and hid it in my bed.

[LAUGHS] Ah, he's really
something, that guy Charlie.

And a great friend.

I think I'd like a gin
and tonic, please.

Gin and tonic? OK, fine. Sit
right here. I'll get it personally.

Isaac, gin and tonic, easy on
the gin, and a double Scotch.

- How's it going?
- So far, perfect.

I've steered her away from dark
places, watered down her drinks

and kept the conversation
completely de-sexed.

I just hope all these bad habits
I'm picking up aren't permanent.

Sounds like you're doing fine.

But the real test
is still to come.

When I finally see
her back to her cabin.

- That's when she's m*rder.
- I know.

Well, it's going to be
close. It'll be touch and go.

The question is,

when she touches,
will you be able to go?

Gin and tonic,
double Scotch to go.

Thanks, Isaac.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

May I come in?

Bucky still wants to marry me.

- But you turned him down.
- How do you know?

Because... you're
going to marry me.

You and your corny
ideas about love!

- Corny?
- OK, romantic.

What I forgot about my
mother's unhappy life

was that she was happy.

I forgot that all the things
I thought were important,

she never thought about at all.

That what I remembered
was a grubby little apartment,

was really a home. A home
that was always filled with love.

When she died, her last
words were to my father.

She said, "You've given me the best
life any woman ever had. I love you."

So if we're going to be
as poor as my folks were,

let's hope we have as
much love as they had.

Penny, Penny, baby, we're
really not going to be all that poor.

It doesn't matter to me.

As long as we're together, we'll
make it, Nico, money or no money.

You remember that little
business I told you about?

- I know. There isn't any, right?
- Well...

See, you don't
have to impress me.

If that's what you want,
we'll build one. Together.

You're something!

It's called Rondo Electronics.

But it's not really a little place.
It's really kind of a big place.

- What is?
- My business.

It doesn't honestly... How big?

Well, I'd say in you
picking me over Bucky Boy,

you made a pretty even swap.

Oh, you dirty rat!

Here I am, being all
sacrificing and brave...

Casper?

Norma!

I've been going over and
over it in my head to figure out

what I did to upset you.

I still can't figure it out.

But whatever it was...

I want you to know
how sorry I am.

It's all right, Casper.

You must believe I
never intended to hurt you.

You mean more to me
than anything in the world.

Casper, it's OK.

I just feel so terrible... What?

Let's forget about what
happened and start all over again.

Don't you want to hear
the rest of my apology?

I can think of a better
way to spend that time.

Yes, we should be back in
Los Angeles by mid-morning.

It'll sure be nice to see good
old Charlie again, won't it?

Good night, Adam. Thank
you for a very pleasant...

No thanks, I really
can't stay for a nightcap.

I understand.

- I have to check in to the sick bay.
- See you in the morning.

- I'd like to stay, but duty...
- Good night.

That's it?

[SOBBING]

I'm so ashamed.

I know what you and
the captain must think.

I tried.

I thought I really
wanted to have an affair.

I could never have
gone through with it.

Hey, easy, easy.

Maybe I wanted to hurt Charlie.

I don't know!

He doesn't want me.

I wanted to prove
somebody else did.

Is there another woman?

I wish there were! That,
I could compete with.

No. Charlie's love affair is
with medicine. With his career.

With his practice.
With his work.

What do I do, Adam?

Do you still love him?

That's the problem.

Charlie's a wonderful guy.

I tell you what.

Let me try a little...

wake-up medicine on him.

Oh, Adam, you're so sweet.

After what I...

I hope you still
don't think I...

What I think is that Mrs. Charlie
is a pretty wonderful guy too.

Adam!

What do you mean by
"wake-up medicine?"

Hey.

Trust the doctor.

I know even though
he didn't set the record,

I'm glad things
worked out for Casper.

That's a very gracious
remark coming from a man

that just lost $10,000.

I thought I could replace Casper,
but I think his appeal is his shyness.

I guess I'm just too macho.

Well, I'm sure there's someone out
there who can help me earn my bonus.

Well, good luck to
you. I hope you find him.

Thanks. It's good to see...

Hey, listen. Either of you guys
think you can eat 4,000 waffles?

But Casper, it's only for two
weeks, till we get married.

Yeah, but why do I
have to stay there?

Because it's the only
place I know you'll be safe.

Gee!

I didn't even know that
Woodville had a YMCA.

I guess you never know what's
gonna happen on these cruises.

- Oh, I sure like the switch she made.
- Bye-bye.

Julie. Thank you.
It was wonderful.

Oh, sure. I hope you
had a fun trip, Priscilla.

It was absolutely sensational.

And the name is Penny.
Penelope Kipnis, from the Bronx.

Oh, Mr. Rondo, you were right
about her all along, weren't you?

Sure was, Vicki.

From the first time I saw her.

Well, glad you
enjoyed your cruise.

- Bye-bye.
- Vicki. Bye-bye.

Thank you.

I hope you enjoyed
the cruise, Mr. Cooper.

Well, let's just
say I won't forget it.

I lost something very special.

Oh. Did you check
with Lost and Found?

- Maybe the finder turned it in.
- I think not, Captain.

If he's smart,
he'll hold on to it.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Relax. All you have
to do is look beautiful,

which comes very easily to you.

He's here, he's here!

William A. Porter, Promenade
217, fondest regards.

And from Monsieur Le
Montrechat... and his twin brother.

On the next cruise, you
must promise to be at my table.

- Hi, honey.
- Oh, hi, Charlie.

Oh, you must be the
doctor? How are you?

Since I am the ranking officer, I
insist on having the first dance.

Oh, Captain, you're so sweet.

- Looks like you'll have to take a number.
- Looks like she had a great time.

She sure did. She
was a perfect lady.

But she wasn't lonely for a
minute. She doesn't deserve to be.

Am I getting a message?

I sure hope so. As Professor
Quigley used to quote,

"Physician, heal thyself."

Oh, Charlie, I had
a wonderful time.

Can I come back again next year?

OK, but I warn you,

next time you're gonna have
to settle for flowers just from me,

because I'm gonna monopolize
every minute of your time, OK?

Oh, fellas... thanks
for everything.