Chris:
Last episode of "total drama"
Went down nice and easy -
One juggy chunk at a time.
Then it was time
For a stomach turning game
Of hurl and go seek.
With his heart broken,
Dave voted himself off.
And...that's about it.
Absolutely nothing strange
Happened!
Just like nothing's
Happening now! Nope!
Nothing to see here!
Uh, just a regular day!
Get ready for... (Hard thump)
Total drama...
(Rumbling,
Lightning strikes)
Pahki-
(Static hisses)
(Muzak plays)
♪♪♪
♪ I wanna be...
I wanna be... ♪
♪ I wanna be famous ♪
♪ I wanna be...
I wanna be... ♪
♪ I wanna be famous ♪
(Whistling chorus)
(Lightning strikes,
Wind howls)
Jasmine:
It's an earthquake!
Sky:
No, it's a typhoon!
No, it's a volcano!
(Volcano rumbles
Then erupts)
A... Hawaiian donut volcano?
Dreams can come true!
(Sucks)
What's afoot here?!
I demand the host narrate
An explanation!
No idea what you're
Talking about!
Just need a minute here.
(Remote fizzles)
Jasmine:
You've got ten seconds
To tell us what's happening.
Chris:
Whatever do you mean?
(Whirring)
You don't have vanishing trees
In australia?
Jasmine:
No.
Uh... What about christmas?
(Sighs) fine.
The island's mostly artificial.
(Everyone gasps)
Chris:
Yes, gasp.
And we're having some
Technical difficulties, okay?
It's nothing to worry about!
Gah!
Robotic voice:
Self-destruct sequence
Activated.
Island will explode
In one hour.
All:
Self-destruct?! What?!
Is that for real?!
(Air horn blasts)
Chris:
Zip it! For your next challenge,
One of you has to shut down
The self-destruct,
Which is located in
This underground control room.
There are three ways
To get there,
So you'll split into
Three teams of two.
The team that stops
The countdown wins immunity.
(Gasps)
Uh... Can I see that?
Chris:
Sure.
The fool!
He just handed me
The key to the island!
It's all mine!
(Cackles evilly)
Chris:
So if there's no questions,
Ready, set-
Sky:
Of course we have questions!
Why does an island have
A self-destruct setting?
Shawn:
What do we do
When we find the control room?
Sugar:
Why do puppets have legs?
We all know they can't walk!
Jasmine:
This is just a challenge, right?
Our lives aren't really
In danger, right?!
Chris:
Silly jasmine,
Your lives have always
Been in danger,
Just never so seriously.
But don't worry,
I'll be right here to help you -
From a safe distance
In this helicopter.
Shawn:
Wait! If there's a helicopter,
Why don't we all just escape?
Chris:
Ready, set, go!
(Air horn blasts)
This is crazy!
I'm kinda freaking out.
I wish dave were here
'Cause he always made me feel-
Pull it together!
Being doey-eyed for dave
Almost got you eliminated!
(Sighs)
But then he eliminated himself.
Did he do that to save me?
Focus!
I'm really losing it here.
Robotic voice:
T-minus fifty-five minutes
And counting.
We doing this or what?
All right,
Let's pick teams.
(Sky groans)
Sugar:
Looks like you're on team sugar.
Gir's night! Woo!
(Vigorous grunts)
Jasmine:
We're close!
That entrance should be...
(Flames roar)
Watch out!
Jasmine:
Hah! Right over... Here!
What?! Oh, come on.
I guess we gotta swim.
I guess we gotta.
Shawn's great!
We have everything in common!
Except the zombie thing...
Which could be a deal breaker.
But once he gets over it
He'll be perfect.
Yeah, jasmine rules.
Once she develops a healthy fear
Of the undead,
She'll be perfect!
On three! One... Two...
(Gasps) shark!
Jasmine:
It'll be fine.
Sharks are more afraid of you
Than you are of them.
If it gets close,
Just punch it in the nose
And it'll scram.
Shawn:
Really?
Jasmine:
Yeah, I saw it on tv once.
Let's go!
(Splash)
(Grunting)
(Growling)
Ugh!
(Shark whimpers)
(Growls)
I'm glad peeing in your pants
While underwater
Goes totally unnoticed.
What happens in the pond,
Stays in the pond.
(Sniffs and gags)
(Water rushes)
(Landing thud)
Oof!
Sugar:
We gotta buddy-up
From here on in!
We're the only two normals left.
That's... Shockingly true.
I'm like the girl version
Of you!
Sky:
What?
Sugar:
Oops! I hope that wasn't
As insulting as it sounded.
I've just never met a girl
Who didn't care about her looks.
Sky:
You're insulting me now,
When we have less
Than an hour to live?
Just who do you-
(Loud whirring)
Hey! That must be the way in!
Both: aggghhhhh!
Sugar: or not.
(Whirring)
Sky:
There! C'mon!
(Grunting)
(Rumbling)
Aggghhhhh!
Sky:
Oh, great.
Scarlett:
According to this,
The closest entrance
To the control room
Is under a rock...
Right over... There.
Max:
Well? Which one?
Come now, sidekick,
We don't have all day!
Why don't you ask them?
Max:
Finally a good suggestion!
Perhaps you aren't
Utterly useless after all.
You there, show me to
The control room at once!
I said at once!
Max:
Owie! (Whack) doy!
Gaaagggghhhhh!
Heh. Perhaps you aren't
Utterly useless either.
(Panting)
Chris:
Guys! Glad I caught you!
I have good news!
We're gonna live?!
Chris:
No, I said "good news."
I can download the footage
From all the cameras
To the helicopter,
So, even after the island
Blows up,
I can still cut together
An episode!
Glad you're enjoying the show
While we risk our lives.
Hey, you think
You got it hard?!
The cappuccino maker
On this thing is terrible!
(Slurps) oh, and try to avoid
The motion sensors.
They set off crazy security
All over the island.
(Lasers hums)
(Groans)
Shawn:
No problem.
I got the same system in my yard
For zombie protection.
First, I tried land mines
But, you know, squirrels.
He's a work in progress.
(Lasers hum)
♪♪♪
Okay,
The zombie thing's bad,
But the man's got
Some sweet moves.
(Lasers hum)
Oh, uh... After you.
No. I believe it's...
Your move.
Chris:
Guys! Seriously?!
Clock's ticking!
(Alarm wails)
I gotta be honest,
I didn't even notice the alarms.
Robotic voice:
Intruders detected.
Releasing robotic
Security units.
(Fizzling)
(Gasps in horror)
But the k*ller robots
Got my attention.
Chris:
(Winces) ah...
Well, that was
The shortest season ever.
Good luck, guys.
I'm out!
Shawn:
Is this weird or scary?
Jasmine:
Both. Run!
Aggghhhhhh!
(Gasps)
Jasmine:
My hat!
Phew! That was close.
Shawn:
Uh... Closer than you think.
(Chomping)
Bad head!
(Fizzling and chomping)
Shawn:
Why does this keep happening
To us?
Sugar:
Woo-hoo! That was great!
Sky:
Uh... A little help?
Sky:
Oof!
Chris:
Well, well, well,
Look who finally decided
To join us.
Fyi, being more interested
In each other
Than in saving your lives,
Jas and shawn managed
To set off security.
So now the island's crawling
With k*ller robot animals.
What?!
k*ller robot animals?
Chris:
Yeah, we had real animals,
But the animal right's people
Were all blah-blah-blah-blah,
So we switched
To robot animals.
Some were crazy-violent though,
So we caged 'em down here.
Sugar: that makes sense.
Sky: does it?
Chris:
Point is...
The halls are dangerous.
You'd be way safer sneaking
Through the gear chamber.
(Steam hisses)
Sky:
What could be less safe
Than that?
Chris:
Oh, you're about to find out.
(Chuckles)
(Sweet meow)
Sugar:
Aww! Who's a cute widdle kitty?
Chris:
Yeah, not that.
Trust me.
(Whirs,
Fire roars)
Sky:
I think we better run!
(Fire roars,
Gears whir)
Hey, free eggs!
This place rules!
(Munching)
I gotta say, for all her many,
Many faults,
Sugar's really good
At staying positive.
(Belches loudly,
Bird tweets)
Stay tuned to find out
If anyone is still alive
When they get blown up...
(Laughs)
Here on
"Total drama pahkitew island!"
Max:
Agggghhhhhhhhh! Oof!
Scarlett:
Oof!
Max:
(Groans) oh...
So much hurting.
Scarlett:
Now to find the control room.
Chris:
Max! Scarlett!
Congrats on being
The first to the control room
And subsequently,
Not dying.
We need a pass code
To open the door.
What is it?
I keep it safely locked
Away at all times...
Chris:
In the control room.
(Both groan)
Chris:
Just start hitting
Random numbers.
It couldn't hurt.
Oh! Except for the electric
Shocks that thing dishes out
Every time you get it wrong.
Those'll hurt.
(Phone rings)
Oops! Gotta take this!
It's the network.
If I'm not back
In fifteen minutes,
I hope you had a nice life.
Max:
Step aside, sidekick.
Let's see...
One, two, three.
(Electric shock fizzles,
Max screams)
Nope.
How about three, two, one!
(Electric shock fizzles,
Max yelps)
Ahem! Let's try
One, two, three again.
(Shock fizzles,
Max yelps)
Keep going.
I just know you'll get.
He will; those doors can only
Dish out so many shocks
Before they short out.
He'll open it
Or die trying.
It's a win either way.
(Electric shock fizzles
And max yelps)
(Panel fizzles,
Door clanks open)
Scarlett:
Yes!
(Powering up whir)
Robotic voice:
Welcome, chris mclean.
The island is mine!
Mine!
Max:
Enough nonsense, sidekick.
Step away!
I. Am. Not. Your. Sidekiiiiick!
Scarlett,
You look... Different.
This is the real me.
The scarlett that I've kept
Hidden until now.
Biding my time,
Waiting to strike!
I! Am! Evil!
(Maniacal laughter)
(Sucking thumb)
You should probably
Start running.
(Evil chuckle)
Oh! The loveable bruin
That enjoys diving
And carbohydrates.
(Robotic roar)
Aaggghhhhhhhhhhh!
(Robotic roar)
Chris:
Scarlett.
(Nervous laugh)
You look... Different.
So you've almost won.
All you gotta do
Is shut it down.
Just, you know,
Disarm the self-destruct and uh-
Scarlett:
I need... Incentive.
Your life isn't enough?
There's an escape pod
Connected to this control room.
I can leave any time I want.
So bring me
The million dollars,
Or I simply escape
And let the island explode.
Chris:
Yeah... I think you're bluffing.
Perhaps you need a demonstration
Of the power I now have.
(Beep)
(Missiles whoosh)
Chris:
Whoa! Ahhh! Ouch!
Hey! Have some respect
For nature!
Give me the million,
Or you and this island are gone!
You're forgetting one thing.
The others will be there
Any second.
Scarlett:
(Laughs) no. They. Won't.
Chef?!
We've got an emergency!
The foamy thing
On the coffee machine
Won't work at all now.
(Sips calmly)
Also, scarlett's gone rogue
And is gonna blow up the island.
We gotta warn the others!
(Sips calmly)
As soon as the foamy thing
Is working properly again.
Sky and sugar:
Agghhhh! Ooof!
Jasmine:
Hey! Thank goodness
It's you guys
And not more
Of those crazy robots.
Sugar:
We've seen some crazy stuff too!
It's a long story,
But you gotta hear it-
Robotic voice:
Ten minutes to self-destruct.
Sugar:
I guess that's enough time.
So first there were
These holes-
Scarlett:
Guys! I'm so glad I found you!
I'm in the control room,
But you can't shut down
The self-destruct from here!
Chris was lying.
Jasmine: ugh! That figures.
Sky: typical.
Scarlett:
You can only shut it down here.
Shawn:
That's just down the hall!
Jasmine:
Good job, scarlett!
(Gasps of horror)
Sky:
Well, this is a new level
Of creepy.
Scarlett:
Hope you like it.
It's the last thing
You'll ever see!
(Powering up)
Sugar:
This is worse than the time
My uncle built a robot army
By taping photos of his face
To donkeys wrapped in tin foil.
This is hard to admit,
But I really want to meet
Sugar's family.
Chris-bots:
Total! Total! Drama! Drama!
(Robotic laughing)
Jasmine:
It's like an army of zombies!
Shawn:
Z...z...zzzombieees!
Aggghhhhhhhhh!
Total!
(Loud clank)
Ow!
(Fizzling and clanking)
(Fizzling and clanking)
Shawn:
Head-sh*t! Head-sh*t!
I should be scared,
But something about watching
Chris get demolished
Over and over
Is so therapeutic.
There comes a time
In every girl's life
When she has to stop whining
About her boyfriend's
Zombie obsession
And accept that
She has odd taste in men.
This is that time.
Total... Total... Total...
(Powers down)
(Breathing heavily)
Chris:
Guys! You're not gonna
Believe this!
Hey! What did you do
To my promo-bots?!
Sky:
Uh, promo-bots?
How do you think I did
The promotion tours
For the show?
You think I went
To all those malls myself?
Kind of violent
For promo-bots!
Chris:
They gotta defend themselves!
Do you have any idea
What the average
Total drama fan is like?!
Do you?!
Sugar:
Well, maybe you shoulda been
Down here helpin'
Instead of sippin'
Cuppa-kee-nose.
First off,
I'm onto smoothies now.
(Slurps)
Secondly,
I don't like your tone.
And thirdly -
Thirdly!
Dang,
I had something for this.
It was a big one, too.
Hmm... Uh...
Max:
Aggghhhhhhh!
(Groans)
(Robotic growling)
(Electronic fizzling,
Loud expl*si*n)
(Lovesick sigh)
Chris:
Right! Thirdly,
Scarlett has taken control
Of the island
And is gonna k*ll everyone
If I don't give her
The million.
Side note:
I am not giving her the million.
Jasmine: what?!
Sky: then what're we gonna do?
Scarlett, please don't do-
Scarlett:
Attention vermin,
Either chris brings me
The million,
Or everyone gets eliminated
Permanently!
You have...
Robotic voice:
Four minutes and counting.
That is all.
Sky:
Chris, she won't budge.
Chris:
You're right; chef, move us
To a safe distance.
She's gonna blow.
What?!
You can't just
Let us die!
Um, yeah!
You all signed a release.
One million bucks
Is a lot of cash.
All:
Please don't do this!
How can you fly away?
This is so not right!
An x is not a signature!
Chris:
(Air horn blasts)
Zip it!
Just wanted to do that
One last time.
Later guys!
Max:
A-ha! I have an idea!
Quick!
Someone think of something!
Jasmine:
That's your idea?
Sugar:
Shh! No. He's right!
Sky:
What can we do?
Chris isn't coming!
No chris means...
(Gasps) that's it!
I'll be right back!
Chris:
Right here - now!
Scarlett:
So... You finally came
To your senses.
Chris:
I total... Total did.
Scarlett:
It was just a matter of time
Before I knew you'd decide
To pay up.
Scarlett: wha?
Max: ha! I tricked you!
Now who's more evil?!
(Clattering thump)
(Hisses)
Max: help me!
Sugar: raaaaarrrrr!
(Fighting grunts)
(Grunts and growls)
Shawn:
Uh, nice job, sugar.
Robotic voice:
Self-destruct in ten, nine,
Eight, seven...
Sky:
What do I do?!
Jasmine:
Control alt delete?
Robotic voice:
Four, three, two, one...
(Keypad beeps,
Self-destruct powers down)
Robotic voice:
Self-destruct terminated.
Scarlett: aw!
Sky: wow.
Chris:
Guys, before you all die,
I just want to say that-
Oh! Whoa!
You took down scarlett? Nice.
Way better than dying,
Am I right?
Jasmine:
Yes! No thanks to you!
Max:
We're just lucky these robots
Are cursed with your ugly mug
Or we'd-
(Head fizzles,
Max yelps in pain)
Not the computer!
Robotic voice:
Island sector 'a'
Combustion initiated.
Island sector 'b'
Cryo-activation completed.
Chris:
Great.
(Flames crackle)
I know I normally
Hand these out
To those who are not
Being eliminated.
But today, I feel a special
Ceremony is called for.
You are so eliminated!
You're more eliminated than
Anyone's ever been eliminated!
Even that b*at-box guy!
This whole island's
A freak show!
Max:
Yes, away with her!
It's a shabby sidekick
That tries to usurp her master.
I am the only true evil
On this island
And soon it will be mine!
(Cackles evilly)
Chris:
Yeah, I'm done with evil
For now.
(Chef cracks his knuckles,
Max cackles)
(Gasps)
Inconceivable!
Scarlett:
No! Please! Don't send me away
With him!
Anyone but- (loud boom)
Hiiiiiiiiiiiiim!
Well, we almost tested
The big bang theory.
But at least everything's
Back to normal.
Tune in next week
To see who stays in the g*ng
And who goes bang!
Here on
"Total drama pahkitew island!"
Chris:
The next "total drama"
Has a mountain of a challenge
And the last one to the top
Is going bye-bye.
Sugar is roughage-ing it,
But it's sky who bears
The consequences.
Jasmine risks it all
To save shawn from a fall,
Then shawn drops the ball
When he drops jasmine
For a fall.
Someone is going home,
But who?
Find out on the next
"Total drama pahkitew island!"
05x22 - Hurl & Go Seek
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
Canadian animated comedy of teenagers who compete in a reality show in parody of reality shows.
Canadian animated comedy of teenagers who compete in a reality show in parody of reality shows.