06x16 - Squid's Visit/To SquarePants or Not to SquarePants

[bunniefuu]

-Are you ready, kids?

-[kids] Aye, aye, Captain.

-I can't hear you.

-[kids] Aye, aye, Captain!

Oh...

♪ Who lives in a pineapple

Under the sea? ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ Absorbent and yellow

And porous is he ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ If nautical nonsense

Be something you wish ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ Then drop on the deck

And flop like a fish ♪

-♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

-Ready?

[all] ♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants

SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

[Captain laughs heartily]

[pipes a jaunty tune]

[clears throat]

[loudly clears throat]

May I help you?

Well, it's almost quittin' time,

Squidward.

Got any big plans

for after work?

Nope.

[groans]

Hey, Squidward.

Pretty incredible shift, huh?

If you say so.

-Any plans after work?

-No.

Yeah, me, neither.

Just gonna be hanging

at Casa de Esponga.

Feel free to drop by

if you're in the neighborhood.

[giggles]

Hey, Squidward, wait up.

Squidward, I realize

that I didn't really

extend a proper invitation

back there.

So, what do you say, Squidward?

How about you come over

to my house for a visit tonight?

Squidward? Squidward?

Squidward? Squidward?

SpongeBob, thank you so much

for that lovely invitation,

but I must respectfully

tell you I will never visit you.

-Ever!

-[crash]

[sighs] Take heart, Squidward.

It'll all be over soon.

Oh, please come over

for a visit, Squidward!

It's been so long!

I can't even remember

your last visit!

That's probably because

I've never visited you.

Please? Please? Please?

Please? Please?

[door opens, shuts]

Please? Please?

Please? Please-please? Please?

Please-please? Please?

Please?! Please?!

OK, Squidward,

maybe some other time.

[sighs]

Hey-ho, Squidward.

You got any...?

Before you ask me that question,

ask yourself this.

Why would I leave

the comfort of my home

for your dirty little hovel?

What if I got a couple

of throw pillows?

Patrick, has Squidward

ever visited you at home?

Only once, to take back

some stuff I borrowed.

He said he wouldn't leave

the comfort of his own home

for my dirty little hovel.

Borrow something,

then he'll have to come over

to get it back. [grunts]

Well, hey, thanks for letting me

play puzzle with you.

-See you later.

-That's it!

A stick of butter,

and just a touch of pepper.

-[pneumatic drilling]

-[gasps]

Not on the rug! [groans]

SpongeBob,

will you keep it down?

I am trying to cook!

Oh, hey, Squidward. Just doing

a little home improvement.

Well, you made me spill pepper

all over my imported rug!

[chuckles] OK, Squidward.

[sighs] SpongeBob!

I need the right tool

for the job. Huh?

Dear Squidward, thanks for

lending me your vacuum cleaner.

Sincerely,

SpongeBob SquarePants.

Oh, P.S... [laughs]

[laughter repeats]

[phone rings]

SquarePants residence.

Why do you have

my vacuum cleaner?

Squidward!

It's been quite a while

since I last got a call from

my favorite next-door neighbor.

That's because

I've never called you!

Now, why have you stolen

my vacuum cleaner?

I didn't steal it, silly.

I borrowed it.

Are you done cleaning up

that dingy hole you call home?

You won't even recognize

the place, Squidward.

Ah, probably not.

[breathing heavily]

I'll be over to get my vacuum

in minutes.

Oh! Squidward is finally

coming for a visit!

[muttering]

Squidward!

I've been expecting you.

Welcome to my humble abode.

I hope that

you will find comfort,

and please don't hesitate to ask

if there's anything I can...

Yeah, uh-huh, I just want

my vacuum back. [gasps]

You've made an exact replica

of my living room!

Well, you said you wouldn't

leave the comfort of your home,

so I brought the comfort here.

Isn't it great?

-[laughs]

-No, it isn't!

You can't just steal

my decorating style, and...

[groans]

Never mind.

Just give me my vacuum.

Would you care for a cool

and refreshing iced tea?

-No.

-Hot hors d'oeuvres?

-No.

-Nachos? Blancmange?

I don't even know what that is!

Please just give me my vacuum

so I can get back home.

-I have a casserole in the oven.

-Yes, of course.

Please have a seat

while I go grab your vacuum.

Please make yourself at home.

[mutters angrily]

Enjoying your visit

so far, Squidward?

This is not a visit.

You are going to get my vacuum.

And stop fluffing this pillow!

OK, Squidward,

just yell if you need anything.

Imbecile. [gasps]

How did he do it?

He got my coffee table,

my vase, snack bowl, coasters,

and my Art of the Clarinet

coffee table book.

And this pillow looks just like

the one Mommy made for me.

He even copied her

stitch signature.

"For Squiddy. With love, Mama."

[screams]

You yelled?

Never mind.

I'll find the vacuum myself!

OK. Make yourself at home.

Squidward sure seems to be

enjoying his visit.

My hallway.

Dear Neptune...

he even got the chip in

the paint from when I moved in.

OK, Squiddy,

don't get creeped out.

Just get the vacuum and go home.

All right, isn't this neat?

My bathroom.

[flushes]

I have to give him credit,

though. Every detail is correct.

How does he know the exact

contents of my medicine cabinet?

My rash cream?!

That little sneak!

-Did someone say "rash cream"?

-[screams]

SpongeBob, you idiot!

-Squidward, rash cream.

-Ow! Ow! Ow!

-[clattering]

-Oops.

-[screams]

-[clattering]

-Oh, no!

-[yells]

[screams, toilet flushes]

I don't think I have

a cream for that.

[gasps]

[sighs]

Oh, what a horrible nightmare.

So, are you enjoying

your stay at Chez Spongé?

[Squidward screams]

[teeth chatter]

Will you excuse me for a moment?

I need to use

the bathroom again.

[clicks tongue]

[SpongeBob]

Hurry back, Squidward.

I gotta find that vacuum

and get out of here.

[gasps]

He copied all

of my self portraits.

And they're better than mine.

[sobs]

He even got the rug right.

Get ahold of yourself,

Squiddy, ol' bean.

This doesn't mean anything.

This, this, all of this

is just, just... mimicry.

He doesn't possess your style

or your decorating acumen,

or your love

of the finer things.

In fact, the only thing

he has is, is, is...

My vacuum cleaner!

And I'll remedy that...

posthaste.

[gasps] Aha, he put you in here,

along with all his bad taste.

You're coming home.

[grunts] Home with me... me!

[screams]

[air hisses]

SpongeBob!

[grunts]

[vacuum whirrs]

Is it really you?

-[air hisses]

-It is you!

[smooches]

Come on, baby, you and I will

walk out of this horror show

the way we walked into it,

with dignity and aplomb.

[siren wails]

-My house...

-You just missed the fire.

What happened to my house?!

Oh, some knucklehead

left a casserole in the oven.

SpongeBob!

Aw, don't worry, Squidward.

You're more than welcome

to stay at my house

until you get your house fixed.

[ominous music]

Why yes, I'd love another spot

of tea, Mr. Vacuum Cleaner.

Care for some casserole?

[crazed laughter]

Squidward? You OK?

Squidward?

Squidward!

[sighs] Replica, sweet replica.

[yawns] It sure was great

having Squidward over

for a visit, eh, Gary?

[snores]

[meows]

[narrator] Ah, another quiet day

in Bikini Bottom.

But it wasn't always this way.

Once, it was horrible!

[thunder cracks]

[wind howling]

The unimaginable happened.

One day,

SpongeBob SquarePants...

changed his pants!

[screams]

[bell dings]

[hums]

I remember as if

it were yesterday.

But in fact,

it happened three days ago.

[grunts]

It's laundry day, Gary!

Oops.

[meows]

Now, to finish the day's chores.

[whistles tune]

[phone rings]

Hello.

Hello. Uh, may I speak

with SpongeBob...

Uh, uh...

Squa... oh... are...

Pants?

Mm, speaking.

Hey, hey. You want to hear

how long I can do this for?

[warbles]

Actually, Patrick,

I'm kind of busy. Can it wait?

[warbling stops] No.

[warbling continues]

[sighs]

[warbling continues]

Gary, go check on

the laundry in the dryer.

[complaining meow]

[warbling continues]

[warbling continues]

A pretty long time, huh?

Yeah, Patrick.

Gary?

-[sizzling]

-[gasps]

They've shrunk!

I'm gonna need to get new pants.

I'm sorry, Mr. SpongeBob,

but we're not expecting

another shipment of

square pants for months.

Oh...

No. Nope.

Ew, not these.

Uh-uh.

[gasps]

Whoa.

These pants hug my body

better than my own mother!

Hey, Patrick!

Notice anything different?

Pose, pose, pose, pose.

Do I know you?

[laughs] It's me, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob?

No, you're not!

SpongeBob has square pants.

Now, leave me alone,

you mysterious stranger.

Patrick is so full of

tartar sauce. I'm still me.

It's just a pair of pants.

It's not like my friends

won't recognize me.

[Sandy] Well, howdy, stranger.

I don't recognize you

in those newfangled dungarees.

[wolf whistles]

You must be

SpongeBob FancyPants.

Clothes really do make the man.

Sandy didn't recognize me,

either.

These pants are more powerful

than I thought.

Course, it was just Sandy.

And Neptune knows what goes on

inside a squirrel's head.

[chittering]

[shudders]

But I know my best buddy

Squidward will recognize me.

We have been through

so much together.

[sings happy tune]

Oh, no.

It's that little yellow freak.

[SpongeBob] Hi, Squidward!

Just ignore him.

Maybe he'll go away.

[sing-song] Oh, Squidward!

Guess who?

Do I know you?

Oh, sure you do. It's me.

SpongeBob? SquarePants?

Never seen you before

in my life.

Ooh.

Well, maybe these pictures of us

together will jog your memory.

Me and you at my birthday party.

You and me at work.

That little slumber party

we had last week.

I forgot when this was taken.

-Is that supposed to be you?

-[sighs]

I can't believe it.

He actually left.

[laughs]

Squidward didn't know me either.

It's like we'd never met.

Maybe Patrick is right.

-[rattles handle]

-Oh, no, it's locked.

Gary! Hey, Gary!

Can you open the door?

I left my keys

in my other pants!

[Patrick] Hello. Can I help you?

Patrick, it's me, SpongeBob.

Oh, right.

You're that RoundPants fellow.

-What are you doing in my house?

-Your house?

This house belongs to

SpongeBob SquarePants.

At least, it did,

before he left us.

I wish I could see him

one last time.

Oh, barnacles!

I guess I'm not

SpongeBob SquarePants any more.

I'll have to start

all over again.

Hello, sir.

I'd like an application, please.

My name is SpongeBob Sq...

[grunts]

[coughs, splutters]

Sorry, I'm a little...

[coughs] I'm a little...

[coughs]

Sorry, I'm a little nervous.

My name is SpongeBob...

RoundPants.

And I would like

to seek employment

from this eating establishment.

-[thud]

-[bell rings]

-[thud]

-[groans]

Oh, dear!

Are you OK, Mr. Cashier?

Oh! Here are the applications.

Let's see here.

"Name." SpongeBob RoundPants.

Well, this is going well.

Hey, Mr. Cashier,

looks like we're gonna be...

Coworkers!

[groans]

Question two. "Have you ever

been convicted of a felony?"

Hmm, what's a felony?

Being too darn happy

all the time.

Oh, yeah!

Lots and lots of felonies.

[chuckles] Moron.

What's going on here?!

I'm filling out an application.

Get to work!

[gasps] Then I got the job?!

Oh, boy.

My first day on the job.

I am so excited.

-Woo-hoo!

-Whatever.

You've worked here a long time.

Why don't you show

this rookie the ropes?

Oh, I'd love to.

Yay!

But... No! [grunts]

So, what do I do first?

[groans] Fine.

Take a Krabby Patty,

and put it on the grill.

Shouldn't you watch it?

Why? I don't think

it's going anywhere.

Ooh, very Zen.

What next,

O oracle of Krabby wisdom?

I'm going to the bathroom.

Hmm, I'll go, too!

How's it going in there, boss?

Um... fine.

"Going fine."

[snores]

-Oh, Mr. Squidward?

-[screams]

Whatcha reading?

Bathroom break. Check.

Here's the slop you ordered.

Enjoy.

If you can choke it down.

[laughs]

"Be rude to customers

and insult food."

"Nasally laugh."

-Can I get a Krabby Patty Combo?

-No.

-A Double Krabby Patty?

-No.

Can I get a Triple Patty

with cheese?

Oh, I think you've had

way too many of those.

[both laugh]

Taught him everything he knows.

[snores]

[angry muttering]

[laughter]

[angry shouting]

What are you two doing?!

Get to work!

I'm used to Squidward

sleeping on the job,

but I expect more from you,

Mr. SquarePants.

I am not SpongeBob SquarePants,

Mr. Krabs.

What in the name of Davy Jones

are you talking about?

I mean, do these pants look

square to you? They're round.

Yeah, so?

I can't be SpongeBob SquarePants

with round pants.

-Who told you that?

-Patrick.

Well, why don't you

just take them off?

Order up, Squidward!

Well, well, if it isn't

SpongeBob UnderPants.

[chuckles]

[screams]