06x14 - Dear Vikings/Ditchin

[bunniefuu]

Are you ready, kids?

[kids] Aye-aye, Captain!

I can't hear you...

[louder] Aye-aye, Captain!

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Who lives in a pineapple

Under the sea? ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ Absorbent and yellow

And porous is he ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ If nautical nonsense

Be something you wish ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ Then drop on the deck

And flop like a fish ♪

-♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

-♪ Ready? ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants

SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

[laughs heartily]

[plays airy tune]

[sweeping noise]

-Ahoy, Mr. Krabs.

-Huh?

Oh, ahoy, SpongeBob.

Ahoy, Mr. Krabs!

OK. That's over with.

See if first mate Squidward

needs help at the register.

And what are you up to

on this fine, fine Monday?

Well, I was gonna wait

till this afternoon,

but I guess I can show you now.

Show me what?

I'm introducing

a new Krusty Krab promotion.

[shrieks] You are?

I sure am.

Who are you gonna

introduce it to?

All my loyal customers,

of course.

Ha!

Anyway, we got

new beverage cups.

Wow.

There's regular, large

and the new Viking size.

But, Mr. Krabs,

these are all the same size cup.

SpongeBob, this promotion

is designed to save us money.

Don't forget, each patron

who purchases any drink

of our Krusty Krab Viking size

gets to try on

this cardboard Viking helmet.

He found while cleaning

his attic over the weekend.

Don't you know

when you're being ignored?

You're the one talking.

Mr. Krabs, it's beautiful--

Not so fast!

Access to the mighty helmet

will be granted

to active promotion

participants only.

And only those

who purchase Viking size.

Mr. Krabs, what's a Viking?

Oh, well, um, the Vikings lived

a long time ago.

-How long?

-Ah... about ten years.

And?

Uh...

You're gonna have to ask

Squidward.

He's the smart one.

Barnacle butt.

-Hi, Squidward!

-What do you want?

Mr. Krabs said you were going

to teach me about Vikings.

Oh, really?

Will you teach me, huh?

Sure, I'll teach you.

Listen closely now.

The Vikings were a race

of scholars and scientists,

who lived before

even Mr. Krabs was born.

They are believed

to have discovered ketchup

and enjoy dressing up

their pets as chunks of masonry

on the weekends.

Their favorite movies

are in black and white.

-Look out!

-[all] Shh!

And grown Vikings are known

to collect socks,

which they display and trade

at monthly sock-trading

conventions

called Sockengarten.

[both] Sockengarten!

Wow!

Squidward, do you think Vikings

really drink their beverages

in Viking size?

Of course they do!

How else would Mr. Krabs come up

with such a brilliant idea?

-Do you think...

-SpongeBob!

Can't you see

I am trying to work?

-But...

-But?

There's more about Vikings

I wanna find out!

Well, then,

why don't you go ask them?

[gasps] Thanks, Squidward.

Mwah!

"Dear Vikings.

I am writing to ask you guys

about your lives and stuff.

If you would take the time to

answer all my neat questions,

then that would be

really swell."

[flies buzzing]

Ah, Helga!

Tell me once again

of the time you visited

those remote Himalayan

hot springs.

[door slams]

[groans] A letter!

Why must you always come in here

during story time?

-But, but, I...

-Guards!

Please, no,

you don't understand!

I was only trying to...

[screams]

[door slams]

Your Majesty, look! A letter!

How incredibly interesting.

I must read it at once.

[rumbling, clattering]

Welcome to the Krusty Krab.

May I take your order?

We are Vikings.

Our chieftain sent us here

because we got this letter.

SpongeBob. There's some Vikings

here to see you.

What's that, Squidward?

I couldn't hear you. Oh!

Ah! Are you the one

they call the SpongeBob?

I think so!

Well, we are here to teach you

all about the Vikings.

Huzzah!

One of the things Vikings

like to do is redecorate.

How interesting!

And another thing we Vikings

like to do is appropriate.

What a fascinating culture.

And on occasion, the Vikings,

we've been known to liberate.

What the? Hey!

You can't do that! [yells]

I can't believe

how much I'm learning.

Squidward,

I'll be back in one hour.

I'm going on my lunch break.

Squidward?

Would you mind telling us

what this is all about?

Shush!

Now that you're part of

our crew,

I guess we should

introduce ourselves.

This is Olaf.

And this is Olaf.

And this is Olaf.

This is... Olaf.

Olaf, Olaf, Olaf.

And, um... um...

-Olaf.

-Olaf.

So, let me guess,

your name must be--

That's right. Gordon.

Nice to meet you.

Now, before I put you two

to work, I wanna know what--

Wait! I have more questions

about the Vikings' way of life.

Like what?

Well, like, what do the Vikings

like to do for fun?

Hmm? Fun?

Hmm. Ah. Um. Well...

-What about the shield toss?

-Oh, yes, yes.

Hmm. Anything else?

Um...

What about flaming shield toss?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[applause]

-Anything else?

-[all] Um...

Uh, I can't really think

of anything.

Me neither.

-Oh, yeah!

-What is it, Olaf?

We like to sing songs.

[all] No, we don't!

Wait, no!

OK, I admit it was a lousy idea.

I promise it won't happen again.

[squeals]

-You got that right.

-[all cheer]

[screams]

Any other questions?

I'll let you know

if I think of anything.

So, tell me, what is it

that you two know how to do?

Well, Mr. Krabs tells me

I'm pretty good with a spatula.

Ha!

Fine, you're our ship's

new head chef.

And what can you do?

Well, if you must know,

I'm a widely renowned

clarinet virtuoso,

recognized

interior design consultant,

licensed and certified

antique macrame connoisseur,

born and raised collector

and sculptor of driftwood,

and able to recognize

over brand names

of pedal-operated vehicles

at a single glance.

Plus, I make a k*ller souffle.

Impressive. You'll be the ship's

bathroom attendant.

A promotion!

Congratulations, Squidward.

Hold it right there, whiskers.

Let's not forget

you're the one who dragged me

onto this crate

in the first place.

Now you ask me

to pour my heart out,

and this is the respect I get?

Well, you've got another thing

coming, honey.

I want off this boat, pronto!

On second thought,

bathroom attendants make tips.

Well, look on the bright side,

Squidward.

No more living next door

to SpongeBob.

Let her rip, Jacko.

Wait! You can't do that.

You mean to question

the will of the tribe?

If it means saving

my best friend, then yes.

Then pick up the w*apon

and fight with me

in accordance with the prophecy.

[all chant]

Duel! Duel! Duel! Duel!

Go on, pick it up.

But... [groans, strains]

Go on, weakling.

-Owned!

-[all laugh]

But, but, I...

[alarm wails]

We're being att*cked

by a giant monster!

This is the end!

The end of the Vikings!

Oh, Valhalla,

why have you forsaken us?

Guys, you just ran

into a piece of ice.

No-one's forsaken you.

There's a breach in the hull.

You got to patch it up.

Quick, everybody take

one of these.

What's that for?

It's a security blanket.

How are you gonna patch

a leak with that?

We're not. But it makes us

feel so much better.

Hey, you forgot your blanket.

What the barnacles

is going on down there?

-[gasps]

-Pardon me, Squidward.

It's all yours.

Thanks.

There.

Look up there! What's he doing?

Here goes nothing!

[wild cheering]

Now that's what I call

a Viking-sized adventure!

You'll never escape this time,

Man Ray!

Our molecular bubble

is impenetrable.

That's exactly

what I was hoping for.

[cackles]

[both] Whoa!

[continues cackling]

Stop!

Thanks for making this easy!

Till next time!

[cackles]

You've just enjoyed another

episode

of Mermaidman and Barnacleboy.

Brought to you by

the Mermaidman

and Barnacleboy book.

[both gasp]

For the first time, we learn

of these superheroes' origins,

and their rise to stardom.

Mermaidman and Barnacleboy will

appear in the flesh

signing their new book.

[both giggle]

Don't delay! Arrive early

to get your copy signed.

Doors open at : a.m.

Oh, boy!

We're going to get our books!

We're gonna meet Mermaid Man

and Barnacle Boy!

We'll shake their hands.

They're gonna sign our books!

There's only one problem!

I can't.

What do you mean?

I'll be in boating school

at : a.m. tomorrow.

Oh, well,

can't you just skip a day?

Just call in sick.

Always works for Squidward.

And tarnish my reputation for

never missing one day of school?

I couldn't.

Besides, that would be lying.

And lying is wrong.

OK, hmm... Oh, I know!

Um, what are those things

you use when, um, after you eat,

-and you need to take a--

-Take a bathroom break!

That's the one!

What if you take

a bathroom break tomorrow,

sneak out of the window,

get your book signed,

and sneak back into class!

It wouldn't take long at all.

But what if I don't need

to use the bathroom?

[groans]

Oh, there's always a catch!

[mutters]

Need brain fuel.

[gasps] SpongeBob,

how am I gonna feed my brain

when all you have

is your fancy bubbly water?

Well, it'll have to do.

-Patrick, is this really nec--

-Necessary? Yes, it is!

Patrick?

Yeah?

You feeling alright?

Uh-huh.

[burps] Why?

Nothing, nothing.

That's it!

What? [burps]

I won't go to the bathroom

till tomorrow.

Then, when I have to go,

I'll really have to go.

[laughs]

Can anyone tell me what the

hand signal is for a left turn?

[groans]

Something the matter, SpongeBob?

[straining] Just a little.

Oh, I gotta...

-Gotta go to the...

-I'd say so. Here.

The bathroom key!

And make sure you return

this bathroom key to my desk,

or you're in big trouble,

mister.

Thank you, Mrs. Puff. [strains]

And hurry back,

no dillydallying.

Thanks. Will do.

There you are, young man.

Oh, boy, signed by Mermaid Man

and Barnacle Boy!

Now I shall be the envy

of the Superhero Fan Club.

Next!

Why, I sure do like signing

books. What's this for again?

Hi, Mermaid Man and Barnacle

Boy, will you sign our books?

Of course.

[both quiver]

-There you go.

-[both] Thank you!

Hmm, anytime, boys.

And remember,

stay on the path of evil!

It's stay away

from the path of evil!

Oh. What is evil?

[groans] Oh, for the love of...

OK, that was fun.

-I should be getting back.

-SpongeBob, look!

-Let's go catch it!

-But what about my class?

-This is a short cut.

-Oh, man!

Wait up!

You don't even have a net.

Patrick! [gasps]

Wow! Neptune's scepter,

I don't believe this!

Pretty cool, huh?

-How'd you do that?

-I didn't! They did!

They're friendly.

Wow!

[buzzing]

Oh, boy, you weren't kidding!

[laughs]

You're free to go, guys.

[buzzing]

Ice cream!

Oh, come on,

I don't have time for this!

Yeah, four scoops.

Patrick, have you forgotten?

I gotta go.

Don't be such a sourpuss.

Here, I'll buy you a cone.

[parade music]

Congratulations!

You're my th customer!

From now on you can come back

and have all

the free ice cream you want.

[giggles]

[slurping]

Well, this certainly

has been a glorious day!

-But I better get back to class.

-[mumbles]

[giggles] You said it, buddy.

Where do you think you're going?

You just got here!

I'm sorry.

I've got to get back to class.

Sure you can't stay for

just a short spell, SpongeBob?

It's such a nice day and

everyone's having a good time.

[all] Hi, SpongeBob!

No! I gave Mrs. Puff my word,

and I shall not betray her.

Not even for a game of badminton

with me and Dale here?

OK, maybe just one game.

I'm serving it up, SpongeBob.

Ready or not.

You remember how to play

this game?

Hmm?

Is this the one where

the lowest score wins?

Nice job, SpongeBob. Your serve.

Here it comes! [grunts]

I'm getting pretty good

at this game.

He's about to beat

the undefeated Sandy Cheeks

at her own game!

[all chant] SpongeBob!

SpongeBob! SpongeBob! SpongeBob!

SpongeBob! SpongeBob!

SpongeBob! SpongeBob!

SpongeBob! SpongeBob! SpongeBob!

[yells]

[cheering]

Well, I had better be off now.

[all] No!

Don't go, SpongeBob.

Think about your fans.

If it's for the fans, I guess

I can play one game more.

Not today. You're playing

with a convicted felon.

We know he's violated

his parole somehow.

You might as well confess, Dale.

Hey, man,

I haven't done nothing!

Oh, yeah?

What have you got in there?

Hmm, Quasi-Gummy Chewy Candy

Fish. Is this how you have fun?

By eating your own kind?

Scum like you make me sick!

Cuff him.

It's a shame

what happened to Dale.

We were classmates

back in Boating School.

He was a good student

until he started cutting class.

Ever since then, he's lived

the lonely life of a criminal.

C-C-C-Criminal?

I gotta get back to class!

[pants] I can't be a ditcher!

[yells]

[panting]

[yells] Almost there.

-Just have to get past the...

-[skids]

Bikini Bottom Hug Fest?

Oh, does someone need a hug?

No! No, no, no! No, please.

Don't fight the love, kid.

Miss, if you don't let me go

right now,

I'm going to have to turn

into a criminal. [screams]

That sounded like a threat!

I am so sorry.

[grunts, yells]

A tar pit?

Oh! I'm sinking!

[gasps, splutters]

I guess this is the end,

SquarePants.

But like the old saying goes,

"Better to end up sinking

into a prehistoric lake of tar

than to turn to

a life of crime."

Goodbye, world.

Goodbye, Mrs. Puff.

I'll always cherish those last

kind words that you said to me.

Make sure you return

that bathroom key to my desk

or you're in big trouble,

mister.

[dramatic music]

[triumphant music]

Oh! I never returned Mrs. Puff's

bathroom key!

I can't give up now.

[all] SpongeBob, SpongeBob!

[groans]

[strains, pants]

I made it! And a minute

before the final bell.

I am home free--

Mrs. Puff! I'm really sorry!

Please forgive me!

I don't know what happened.

Everything got away from me.

[sobs] I brought back

your bathroom key, though.

I haven't the foggiest idea

what you're carrying on about.

But I don't have time for it.

I've got my own problems.

Johnny Law finally caught up

to me for ditching jury duty.

Let this be a lesson to you,

son.

Never ditch.

OK, Mrs. Puff,

I'll never ditch again!

That's a good boy, SpongeBob.

Good... Again?!

What do you mean, "again"?

[siren wails]