-Are you ready, kids?
-[kids] Aye-aye, Captain.
-I can't hear you.
-Aye-aye, Captain!
♪ Oh... ♪
♪ Who lives in a pineapple
Under the sea? ♪
♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪
♪ Absorbent and yellow
And porous is he ♪
♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪
♪ If nautical nonsense
Be something you wish ♪
♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪
♪ Then drop on the deck
And flop like a fish ♪
-♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪
-Ready?
♪ SpongeBob SquarePants
SpongeBob SquarePants ♪
♪ SpongeBob SquarePants
SpongeBob SquarePants ♪
[laughs]
[plays whistle]
, , , !
OK, Gary,
let's do the other side now.
Gary, can you hear that?
Oh, Squidward. It's you!
I thought I heard something.
SpongeBob, I've been sitting
here motionless for minutes.
What could you possibly
have heard me doing?
Breathing.
SpongeBob,
I'll give you five dollars
if you let me enjoy the rest
of my morning in peace.
-OK!
-[grumbles]
Hey! I coulda sworn
I had five dollars in here...
I have it, Squidward.
You gave it to me
to leave you alone yesterday!
Squidward, you can have
the five dollars back.
Mr. Krabs says...
I don't care what
Mr. Krabs says! I just want...
Coffee rain!
It's hot chocolate.
Chocolate rain!
[SpongeBob] Squidward!
-[screams]
-Squidward, wait!
[pants]
[struggles]
-It's locked!
-Squidward!
Squidward!
[screams, grunts]
Huh?
The key! Oh, where did
I put that stupid...
Squidward!
[mutters]
Squidward!
Oh, why can't I just find the...
-Squidward?
-What?! [pants heavily]
You left your keys
on the table back there.
-Hey, Squidward...
-Yes?
Didn't you used to have
one of those cucumber bicycles?
[laughs] That was
a recumbent bicycle.
-And I sold it.
-Why?
So I could get further away
from you!
[laughs]
OK, I'll see ya later then,
Squidward!
Bon Voyage, nincompoop!
[siren]
What the...
Can I help you, officer?
No.
But you can help yourself
to this ticket.
[gasps] Ticket?
Officer, Please!
I have impeccable boat smarts!
I pride myself in maintaining
an unsoiled driving record!
It's all that I have.
Well, you can have it again,
right after you complete
Boating School.
[stammers]
Boating School! [scoffs]
Ah, well, it's just one day
out of your life, Squiddy.
How bad could it be?
Oh, Squidward!
[cries]
Good morning, class.
Would everyone
please take a seat?
[chatter]
Psst! Squidward! Sit here!
-[whispers] Here.
-Um, excuse me,
there don't seem to be
any empty seats left.
There's one right
next to SpongeBob.
Do you mind?
Don't worry, Squidward.
We're Boating Buddies, now.
I'll teach you everything
I know, and then we can...
"We" won't be doing anything,
because there is no we.
-Understand?
-Quiet in the front, please.
[whispers] Oh, I understand.
I understand perfectly,
Boating Buddy!
OK, class. Why don't we get
to know our new students
by telling each other
why we were sentenced to--
I mean, why we are enrolled
in Boating School.
Um, I got caught speeding.
Very good! Next?
I don't see what's
so very good about it.
No, I didn't mean very...
[sighs] I know what you meant.
-Next?
-I'm here because my...
We all know why you're here,
SpongeBob.
-What about you, sir?
-What, me?
Yes! Would you like
to tell the rest of the class
why you're with us today?
-Why, I'm...
-[breathes heavily]
All right. I'll tell you.
I was trying
to get away from him!
[breathes heavily]
He is the bane of my existence!
Yours, too? [clears throat]
Uh, what I meant to say was,
please come up to the chalkboard
and draw a diagram
of the incident.
Gladly.
It all started
when I left my house...
And then he appeared.
He made an immediate right turn
and parked...
Here. Seeing the oncoming
hazard, I looked both ways
and proceeded safely
towards my vehicle.
It was then that I realized
I was being followed
at an unsafe distance!
So, in order to create more
optimal driving conditions,
I was forced to
then partake in...
-[chalk squeals]
-...evasive action.
[all groan]
And, by increasing speed
slightly,
I created a safety-cushion,
while inadvertently
attracting the attention
of said law enforcement
official.
May I sit down now,
sweet cheeks?
Why, certainly.
And perhaps now SpongeBob
would like to come up
and illustrate
his side of the story.
-His side?!
-Well, first I started over here
and then I went way over here.
Like that.
And then, I went around
like this, and over here,
and across this way,
and down here, and over here,
and then...
[intense violin music]
...and then I came around,
and stopped right here.
[all] SpongeBob and Squidward,
Best Boating Buddies Forever?
What the...
-Do you like it, Squidward?
-Shut it.
[bell rings]
Ah, lunchtime, eh,
boating buddy?
I'll have to eat over here.
Just like back in grade school.
Squidward, you got
any extra mustard in there?
[yells]
Mm. Bon appétit, Squiddy!
[toilet flushes]
[grunts]
You ruined my morning,
you've ruined my lunch,
and you're ruining my...
[stutters]
[bell rings]
OK, class. It's time for
our behind-the-wheel lesson.
Squidward, you'll be riding
with SpongeBob.
Yeah, I never saw that comin'.
Now, we're gonna take this
nice and slow.
SpongeBob, what do we do
when pulling away from the curb?
-Step on the gas?
-Good! Nice and easy.
Now, let's slowly...
[screams]
SpongeBob, look out!
-SpongeBob, gimme that wheel!
-I got it! I got it!
[grunts] Don't... Just...
-Let go of it!
-[wails]
Hooligans.
[screaming]
[screaming]
[screaming]
Johnson, I've finally
figured out a way
to shrink an ordinary mailman
down to the size
of a grain of sand!
-But how?
-By using this Shrink-Ray!
Mother of Mercy!
-Where'd they go?
-There!
They're headed right for
that discarded potato chip!
[roars]
-What's the matter?
-Potato chips are his favorite!
Johnson!
No!
No! No, no.
I never will understand
these city folk.
[SpongeBob] Hey!
Where'd Squidward go?
[whistles]
I was just leaving.
[bell rings]
OK, class, it's time
to take our final exam.
Please have your pencils ready.
Psst! Hey! Boating Buddy!
If you need any help,
I've taken this test
hundreds of times! I can...
How many times do I have to
tell you? I'm not your buddy!
I don't need your help,
and I don't need you. Ever!
Now, just kindly
let me take this stupid test
so I can get outta here
and never have to see you again
for the rest of my life!
OK, Squidward.
If that's the way you want it.
Thank you.
[grunts] Ha!
Three more minutes, class.
SpongeBob!
-SpongeBob, I need your help!
-[Mrs. Puff] Two more minutes.
SpongeBob, please!
This is important!
You said you didn't need
my help, Squidward.
-And that you didn't need me.
-No, no, I never said that.
I don't need your help,
and I don't need you!
Jerk.
All right, I said it,
but that was before!
-Before what?
-Before...
-Before...
-One more minute, class.
Before we were... [gulp]
Boating Buddies.
Yay!
-OK, class, time's up.
-[bell rings]
Time can't be up!
I didn't get a chance
to fill in a single answer!
What am I supposed to do?
You do the same thing
that everybody else does
who fails the test.
-You take it again next week!
-Next week?
Don't worry, I've never gotten
one answer right on this test!
But we'll meet again next week
at Mrs. Puff's Boating School!
[Squidward screams]
Order up!
How's it lookin' out there, boy?
Like two more satisfied
regulars, Mr. K.
I ain't interested in the same
old regulars, SpongeBob.
So I took out an ad
in the Bikini Bottom Examiner
to bring in some new customers.
'Twas a bargain, too.
Only cost me a nickel.
So, tell me now, boy,
how many new customers we got
out there so far?
Ooh, let me see, there was...
-None.
-What? What do you mean, none?
Don't these people
read the paper?
[blows]
Ooh. This thing hasn't
been touched in months.
While that paper is sellin'
like Krabby Patties.
Uh, pardon me, sir,
could I interest you in a copy
of the Examiner this fine day?
[laughs] Nobody reads
the Examiner, bud.
It's all fulla boring charts
and facts.
The Bottom Feeder
is where it's at.
It's got, like,
interesting stories and stuff.
[Krabs] "Fish Boy strikes
again." Wait a minute.
Aren't these stories
a little less than truthful?
I don't know,
but they're sellin'.
Yes, they certainly are.
Please, allow me.
-Thank you.
-No, thank you.
Now, let's see how much
they charge for advertising...
[screams] cents per word?
The newspaper business
sure is easy money.
-[cracking]
-[angelic singing]
That gives me an idea.
What a fantabulastical day,
eh, Squiddy?
Yep, another wonderful,
humdrum day slinging burgers.
[clang]
Off of your duff, boy!
You think I spend all last night
assembling this printing press
so you could laze around
all day?
From now on,
you'll be twice as busy,
and I expect you
to wear two hats.
Cos along with your usual
fry cookin' duties,
you're my lead reporter
for the new Krabby Kronicle!
Oh, my very own press badge.
That's right, boy.
And here's your very own camera.
You'll need it to document
all them juicy stories
you're gonna write.
Well, what are
you waitin' for, boy?
The public thirsts
for a juicy story, eh?
Hmm. But what kind of story
is juicy enough
to quench their dry
news gullets?
I don't even know
where to begin to look.
[alarm bell rings, shouting]
[pounding, alarm blares]
[roars]
No news to report here.
Stop the presses, it's Patrick!
And he appears to be
waiting for the bus!
This is the kind of story
my readers are waiting for.
-[flashbulb sound]
-Patrick Star?
I'm Scoop SquarePants
from the Krabby Kronicle.
Everyone's wondering,
what bus are you taking today?
Oh, I'm not taking a bus,
SpongeBob.
I am watching this pole.
So the next time it moves,
I will see it.
Whoa! This story is juicy.
[typing]
What a money-tastical day,
eh, Mr. Squidward?
Yeah, I'm just raking it in.
I'm excited about
all the newspaper sales, too.
We haven't sold any papers
today.
What do you mean,
we haven't sold any newspapers?
Certainly, this gentleman
would like a copy of
the Krabby Kronicle.
Looks boring.
Can I just have a Krabby Patty?
Too boring?
SpongeBob!
What's the meaning of this?
Meaning of what, Mr. Krabs?
"Local resident watches pole?"
No-one's gonna pay
to read this malarkey!
When you write these stories,
you gotta use
a little imagination, boy.
Imagination.
Yeah, maybe instead of,
"Man watches pole,"
you could say something like...
Oh... "Man Marries Pole."
Then you could alter the photo
a little to fit the headline...
See? Now, that's a juicy story.
Mr. Krabs, isn't that lying?
Don't think of it as lying, boy.
Think of it as a practical joke.
Y'know, something everybody
can have a good laugh about.
The public expects a little
embellishment here and there,
so I want you to go out there
and get me a lead story
that'll sell!
[flashbulb sound]
[laughs] Mrs. Puff
is gonna laugh her hat off
when she reads this!
Boating teacher
in high speed chase.
I think you've finally done it!
You've given me a story
that'll sell! And sell it has.
Yeah, but that isn't
the story I wrote.
That's called
editorial privilege, son.
It gives it that extra oomph
to move units.
Besides, how could
such a little news story
possibly affect Mrs. Puff
in any way?
I can't believe
such a little news story
could have ruined my business.
Let's see what there is to see.
Wait a minute.
Larry the Lobster?
Hmm. Wonder what kind of dirt
he has under those muscles.
Ah-ha! This looks shady.
Very shady.
Larry! Hey, tough guy.
Can I punch you in the gut?
Sure. Everybody does.
It won't hurt me a bit.
[flashbulb sounds]
[laughs]
Told you it wouldn't hurt.
-Thanks, big guy.
-See you around.
Very interesting.
[fish] Out! Out! Out!
-Hey, what's the big idea?
-Dis!
"Larry the Loser gets beaten up
by pipsqueak."
-B-but...
-No buts.
I can't have a wimp like you
destroying my gym's reputation.
You're banned forever!
-Hello, Larry!
-Not now, SpongeBob.
Let me take in the fact
that my life is ruined.
Ruined?
What're you talking about?
These lies someone wrote
about me.
[gasps]
Thanks for your business!
And here's your paper.
Mr. Krabs,
can I have a word with you?
Make it quick, boy,
these papers are sellin' faster
than we can print 'em!
That's exactly what I wanted
to talk to you about, sir.
I don't think these stories
are doing anyone any good.
Well, they're certainly
doing me some good.
Can you believe it?
Look at all this loot!
Yeah. But isn't there a way
we could write juicy stories
without hurting people?
[sighs] You just don't get it,
do you, boy?
We're not hurting anyone.
We're just making their lives
interesting for everybody else.
Now, get out there
and fetch another story.
Oh, Karen!
I think this is it.
The Chum Stick
that's finally gonna
drive Krabs out of business.
[giggles]
I think not.
I'm Health Inspector Yellowtail.
I'm officially
closing down your restaurant.
Why? I haven't done anything.
That's not what this says.
"Plankton's Chum
made of your Chums."
"The Chum Bucket serves your
friends in more ways than one."
What?
Who's to blame for this? Who?
[laughs] You're reachin' new
levels of imagination, boyo!
Yeah, I know.
What's wrong, boy?
You sick, or something?
Yes, Mr. Krabs.
You could say that.
Don't be silly, boy.
We're a success!
Mr. Krabs, we're hurting people.
Oh, baloney.
You better start feelin' right,
cos if you don't, you can
kiss yer spatula goodbye.
Mr. Krabs! You wouldn't!
Oh, darn tootin', I would.
Now, get out there
and bring me a juicy one.
Aye-aye, cap'n.
Sorry, fellas,
this is a private tree dome.
I had no idea it talked.
Don't worry, we're from
the Neptunian Science Committee.
And we've come to confiscate
all your science awards.
Haven't you read
today's headlines?
It can't even read.
Why are you...
Oh, gimme that!
"Sandy Cheeks or Sandy Chump?"
"Bushy-tailed brainiac
really a slow-witted squirrel."
"By SpongeBob SquarePants?"
That yellow sidewinder
thinks he can do that?
Oh, boy! We'd better scram.
The dumb ones
are always the most violent.
[grunts angrily]
[laughs]
You've really outdone yourself
this time.
[laughs]
Mr. Krabs, I can't write
these stories any more.
Come on.
That's a bunch of hooey.
I've seen people's lives
ruined with my own eyes.
People want wild, juicy stories.
That's what sells!
Now, I want your little,
yellow noggin
to come up with
the wildest story ever.
One that'll top all the others.
Gee, Mr. Krabs. I've written
about everyone in town.
-Any ideas, sir?
-Surprise me. Gimme a shocker.
Goodnight, boy. I'll check
on you tomorrow mornin'.
And remember,
the wildest story ever!
The wildest story ever, huh?
How's it goin', lad?
Uh-uh. It's a surprise.
Excellent! We're gonna
sell out in no time.
We'll have to do
another printing.
-[angry yelling]
-Huh?
-Task Master!
-What's goin' on?
You should know!
"Krabs overworks employees,
reaps reward?"
"Krabby Kronicle mastermind
behind bogus stories
pays his tired, underage
reporter pennies
while he rakes in the dough."
How could you do that
to such an innocent child?
It's sick and inhumane.
Not to mention the fact that
he's written lies about us.
I lost my restaurant
because of you.
And I thought I was evil.
All the kids in town wanna
beat me up for lunch money.
[sobs]
And I've had to go back to
watching day time television.
That's it.
We're taking our money back.
[angry yelling]
-[sobs]
-Mr. Krabs, are you OK?
How can I be OK
when me money's gone?
[sobs]
All gone! [sobs]
It just goes to show,
trying to make an easy buck
doesn't pay.
Or does it?
Get some scissors, boy-o.
It's time to use my imagination.
Hey, guys? Can you fix
me and the wife up
a couple of Krabby Patties?
06x09 - Boating Buddies/The Krabby Kronicle
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
A square yellow sponge named SpongeBob SquarePants lives in a pineapple with his pet snail, Gary, in the city of Bikini Bottom on the floor of the Pacific Ocean.
A square yellow sponge named SpongeBob SquarePants lives in a pineapple with his pet snail, Gary, in the city of Bikini Bottom on the floor of the Pacific Ocean.