03x11 - Party Pooper Pants

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR:
Welcome to

"SpongeBob's House Party",

with your host,
Patchy the Pirate.

There'll be punch, cookies,
explosions

and a brand-new episode
of SpongeBob SquarePants.

ALL:
Hooray!

Now, live from
Encino, California,

get ready for a warm embrace

from our party host,
Patchy the Pirate.

Hey, get off my lawn!

Party?

Geez, there ain't no party here.

Go away!

( squawks ):
Come on in.

Hush, Potty, can't you see

I'm trying to keep
out the riffraff?

Riffraff?

That's our
television audience,
barnacle-breath.

Oh...!

( laughs )

Of course, it is.

I was just fooling.

Welcome!

Say, you didn't
bring SpongeBob
with you, did you?

Gee, I sure hope he
got his invitation.

I'd sure like to go
to this party,

but I can't read the invitation.

Me, neither.

Whoever sent this
obviously has no idea

about the physical limitations
of life underwater.

Well, might as well
throw these in the fire.

( fire roars )

Ah, well, come on in.

Let me introduce you around.

This here's Minnie Mermaid.

Minnie's cooling off
on account of

she's been dancing
her scales off.

Isn't that right, Minnie, huh?

Take a little breakie-poo?

No, Patchy, actually I'm in here

because if I wasn't,
I would die.

( laughs )

That's the spirit.

( whimpering )

Let's see, who else
haven't you met?

Hey!

That's Longbeard, the Pirate.

Hey there, Longbeard,
long time no see.

Who dares to interrupt Neptune?!

Sorry about that, Neppy.

That's Neptune.

( sarcastically ):
He's king of the sea.

( laughing )

You kids having fun?

( chuckles )

Hosting a party
is hard work, boy.

That reminds me of the time when
SpongeBob was hosting a party.

Hey, you kids want
to see that cartoon?

You do?

Well, then, launch the cartoon!

Ah, the Barg'n Mart...
A consumer's paradise

of brand-like items stocked
as far as the eye can see.

( panting )

( screams )

( panting )

( wheels screech )

Boom!

seconds!

That's a new record, Lou.

Uh, that's great, SpongeBob.

$ . .

But it's not an official record

until we record it
in the Book of Records.

( grunts )

" seconds."

Okay. So it's $ . .

Sign here, please.

Initial here.

And here.

And... here.

Oh, look, it's a picture
l took of you

the first time I ever came here.

( SpongeBob laughs )

Look at you,
so young and happy.

Where do the years go?

Hey, what's that?

"Plan Your Own Party Kit."

Hey, Lou, how much?

For the Plan Your Own Party Kit?

Oh, we're having a special
on those.

Uh, they're free.

But you have to leave...
right now.

SPONGEBOB:
Let's see, Gary.

According to the
Plan Your Own Party Kit,

invitations are the first
order of business.

"A short guest list

"consisting of only
your closest acquaintances

"will set an intimate tone
for the evening

and provide soirée success."

You heard the man, Gary:
only our closest friends.

Who the barnacles
is SpongeBob SquarePants?

l believe you went to
kindergarten with him, dear.

Kindergarten, huh?

Oh, yeah, SquarePants.

Well, I guess it's time
to move again.

SPONGEBOB:
Boy, Gary, this Plan Your Own
Party Kit is a real lifesaver.

How else would I have known

to make freshly whipped
clotted cream?

( slurps )

Gary, you'd better call
an astronomer,

because this clotted cream
is out of this world!

( timer dings )

My piñata.

( panting )

( squeals )

Ooh, hot, hot, hot,
hot, hot, hot, hot.

The Plan Your Own Party Kit
encourages creativity

when stuffing your piñata.

That's why I'm using
deviled eggs.

( meow )

Good question, Gary,
but not to worry.

The Plan Your Own Party Kit
warns that unsupervised parties

can lead to disaster.

That's why I've taken the
liberty of devising a schedule...

: to : , guests arrive;

: to : , opening remarks
and general discussion;

: to : , craft corner,

followed by name tag
distribution.

At : we begin
the qualifying rounds

for our cr*cker-eating/
tongue-twister contest.

: , running charades;

: , charity apple-bob;

: , electric jitterbug
dance marathon...

ladies' choice.

At : , things start cooking

as I dip into my world famous
knock-knock joke vault.

( meow )

And as long as we stick

to this schedule,

our party is
a guaranteed success.

This is going to be
the coolest party ever!

Ha-ha!

Looks like it's smooth party
sailing for SpongeBob so far.

Now it's time for me
to get me own party underway.

Gather round,
you scurvy landlubbers.

lt's time to learn the
Peg-legged Dance of Happiness.

Whoa!

It's quite simple really.

All you need is a peg leg
and some patience,

and my instructional video
series, only $ . .

( squawks ):
How tacky!

It's a $ value,
Potty, a $ value!

Now, it's very easy
and loads of fun.

Hey, everybody, the band's here.

( partygoers cheer )

Band? What band?

( squawking ):
The band I hired
for the party.

( laughs )

A jolly idea, Potty!

A little live music'll
get me shindig dug.

Who'd you get, Barnacle Bill
and the Seven Seas?

No.

Seaweed Sally

and her cacklin' turtle?

No.

Oh, oh, I know...
The First Mates.

No.

Salt Water Sam,

featuring the Brine Brothers.

No.

Rusty Hinges

and the Boys from the Brig?

They broke up years ago.

Well, who else is there?

The Bird Brains.

( laughs confusedly )

POTTY:
The Bird Brains... they're better
than those other bands.

PATCHY:
But they're just
a bunch of birds.

Hello, Encino!

( crowd cheers )

( guitarist plays first chords )

( drummer plays opening riff )

Oh, Potty, that's the worst
sea chantey I've every heard.

l certainly hope
it doesn't get any louder.

Ooh.

( band plays chords
very loudly )

( screaming )

( playing loud rock 'n' roll )

PATCHY:
No, no!

No!

Stop the music!

( screaming ):
Stop!

Look, boys, I know you
fellas sound real good

around the birdbath,
but this here is
basic cable.

This is the big time.

I'm afraid it's time for
you to walk the plank.

You mean we're fired?

No.

Go on, start jumping

or you're going to be dealing

with the business end
of me sword.

( laughs )

( laughing )

No! I forgot that
you're birds.

( wails )

While Patchy pulls
himself together,

let's see how SpongeBob's party
is shaping up.

( crickets chirping )

Okay, Gary, get ready,
it's almost : .

Here they come.

Don't worry too much, Gary,
it's only ten seconds past : .

( gasps )

Now it's seconds past : .

Maybe nobody got their
invitations.

seconds past : .

Oh, I'm doomed.

No one's coming.

( sobbing )

I'm the worst host ever.

( doorbell rings )

Oh, the first guest,
and only seconds late.

Hi, SpongeBob.

Welcome, Patrick.

May I compliment you
on being fashionably late?

Can I get you a glass of punch?

Sure.

Did you have any trouble
finding the place?

Here you are.

Thanks.

( slurping )

So is the punch okay?

Not bad, not bad.

Mmm, nice weather we're having.

It's been very mild, yes.

( slurping )

Yep.

It's mild season.

( laughs nervously )

( clears throat )

So, you read any...?

( doorbell rings )

Oh, more party guests.

Welcome, Mr. Krabs.

Ahoy, SpongeBob.

Please let Gary take your coat.

Then allow me to offer you
some hors d'oeuvres

and a glass of punch.

KRABS:
Don't mind if I do.

( meow )

Two down, to go.

Gosh, I almost forgot.

These name tags eliminate the
need for awkward introductions.

( doorbell rings )

( gasps ):
More guests.

"Kcirtap si eman ym o- -eh."

I don't get it.

No, you dumb bunny.

lt says, "Hello,
my name is Patrick."

Nice to meet you, Patrick.

( laughs )

Good one, Patrick.

( both laughing )

Yeah.

What's going on here?

The laughter isn't scheduled
until : .

You want to throw a party,
do it at your house, Patrick.

( doorbell rings )

Was he talking to me or you?

Squidward, you made it.

My cable's out.

Oh...( chuckles ).

Sorry to hear about that.

So, uh, how's it going,
Squidward?

Not bad.

( SpongeBob clears throat )

l have you making light
conversation with Mr. Krabs

from : to : .

( clucks tongue )

But if you've got a case
of the jabber-jaws,

l can pair you up
right now with Scooter.

Here are some topic cards
to break the ice.

( doorbell rings )

Someone's at the door.

Mine says, "Which came first,
the oyster or the pearl?"

You take the side of the pearl.

This is lame.

My card says, "Discuss
the philosophical
nature of irony."

What does yours say?

Nod politely.

What does yours say, Plankton?

Oh, uh, yes, it says:

"Discuss the secret ingredient
of the Krabby Patty formula."

( clears throat )

How interesting.

Nice try, Plankton.

( guests murmuring )

( doorbell rings )

Well, it's about time.

Okay, everyone, the final guest
is about to arrive...

( quietly ):
minutes late!

Hey, hey.

( chuckles lamely )

SPONGEBOB:
Attention, everyone!

Attention, please!

Now that we're all here,
l officially declare

the party switch
to be in the "on" position.

( silence )

FISH ( bored ):
Whoopee.

( smattering of applause )

FISH:
Hooray... all right... okay.

SPONGEBOB:
As soon as I get back
from the coatroom,

we'll have a rundown of
tonight's scheduled events.

Try not to have too much fun
without me ( cackles ).

Seriously.

Hey, Gar, got
another coat for you.

The party's going
great, by the way.

They're going to be
talking about this one

for a long, long time.

Well, back to "work."

( cackles )

Okay, everybody, let's... huh?

( music playing )

SPONGEBOB:
What's going on here?

( lively conversation )

( panting )

This is all wrong.

( hyperventilating )

What's happening to my party?!

( dance music booming )

No, no... no, no, no!!

Didn't you read the schedule?

" : p.m.:
Dance your pants off."

: p.m.!

( vacuum whooshing )

Let's try to stick
to the schedule,
shall we?

( slurping )

Cake will be eaten
at : , everyone!

: !

( vacuum whirring )

Hey, what's this?

That's my breakfast.

Could I have everyone's
attention, please?

( music blasting )

( claps )

SPONGEBOB:
Patrick.

( needle scratches )

If everyone could take a seat

on the couch
while I sort this out.

Thank you, thanks.

( partygoers murmuring )

Hey everybody,
thanks for your patience.

I know we've gotten off
to a rocky start here,

so I'm going to get us
back on track.

lt is now : ,
and we all know what that means.

Time to read aloud
from the newspaper comics!

FISH ( dully ):
Oh... sounds like a...
real thrill.

Let's see, I think I'll start
out with "The Wisenheimers."

Okay, panel one:

we see Roxy Wisenheimer
with some sort of rake.

Wait, I can't read from this!

( partygoers cheering )

This is yesterday's paper!

( all gasp )

I'll just grab today's paper.

( music starts, all cheering )

SpongeBob, you sure know
how to throw a party.

What would they do without me?

( grunting )

Locked out?

( knocking )

This song's got a great beat!

Yeah...
"knock, knock!"

( knocking )

Gee, I wonder

why they don't hear me.

( music thumping )

( music blasting )

( screams )

( SpongeBob hyperventilating )

Oh, no!

They're not using
the topic cards.

They're... ad-libbing.

Now they're mad at Patrick.

He's hogging the deviled eggs.

Oh, look at those poor souls.

They're so bored
they've gone mad!

Oh, no!

The party's falling into chaos

without my hosting talents
to guide it.

So... do you
come here often?

No.

( telephone ringing )

Hello, SquarePants residence.

What?

I am sorry, what?!

Patrick, it's me, SpongeBob.

You want to talk to SpongeBob?

Yeah... no, Patrick,
I'm SpongeBob!

I'm outside.

Okay, hold on.

SpongeBob, are you out here?!

Phone's for you.

Wha... I...

No, Patrick, wait!

Sorry, he's not out there.

Hey, dude, if you're
looking for SpongeBob

he's over by the punchbowl.

Thanks.

PATRICK:
Here you go,
SpongeBob,

it's for you.

Phone in punchbowl?

That's not even on the schedule.

( toilet flushing )

Larry, my man, you are looking
good enough to eat.

Mmm-mm, oh, yeah, baby.

Could use a little
teeth-whitener, though.

I'm sure SpongeBob won't mind.

Hey, check out his crazy comb.

Oh, no, sounds like someone's

rummaging through
my medicine cabinet.

( grunting )

l hope they don't
touch my special comb.

LARRY:
Well, I guess
I've aired it out enough.

( window slams,
SpongeBob screams )

( SpongeBob screaming )

Hey, this party's finally
starting to pick up.

( whimpering ):
I hope this doesn't interfere

with finger-puppet theater
at : .

If I don't get back inside soon
and restore order,

there might not be time
for any of the scheduled events.

Gee, SpongeBob really
knows how to throw
a great party.

Oh, yes.

Everything is quite lovely.

Ew!

Although I don't care
for his taste in paintings.

( loud pop )

I don't even know
how that happened.

Well, I guess I have no choice.

I'm going to have to
tunnel back in.

( music blasting )

Okay, everybody, don't panic.

The host has returned.

DANCERS:
Hop, hop, hop!

l can take
losing the topic cards

and the phone in the punchbowl,

but I was supposed to
lead the bunny hop.

This is a bunch of barnacles!

I'm breaking in!

( siren whoops )

FISH:
Well, well.

What do we have here?

A burglar bunny.

Why do they do it, O'Malley?

I don't know.

It's probably how
he gets his kicks.

You criminals make me sick.

I'm no criminal.

I live here.

I... I'm just
throwing a party.

I got locked out, I swear.

Well, why didn't you say so?

What a terrible
misunderstanding.

You have a nice party now, sir.

Boy, for a second there

l thought I was
going to be arrested

for breaking into my own house.

What an ironic twist
that would have been.

Hey, wait a second.

If you're throwing a party...

why weren't we invited?

But I... you, uh...

I didn't know you'd...

the Plan Your Own Party Kit
didn't mention... the police.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay, motor-mouth,
tell it to the judge.

( handcuffs clanking )

Oh, no.

These cuffs are broken.

Huh.

We can't bring him in
in broken cuffs.

I got an old pair in the car
we can use.

ls it too late
to offer you some punch?

Sir, you have the right
to remain silent.

All night in a stony lonesome...
in a bunny outfit.

Oh, yeah, the door's locked.

Good thing I keep a spare key
under... the... mat!

( grumbling )

Oh, look at this place.

This party
was a complete disaster.

That was the greatest party

any of us have ever been to!

It was?

Oh, without a doubt,

you are the best
party-thrower ever.

I am?

Yeah.

Whatever you did,
you should write it down

and do it again next weekend.

Thanks again, SpongeBob.

See ya.

SPONGEBOB:
SquarePants,

you've done it again.

I guess I know how
to throw a party.

Gary!

Well, it looks like
you had a good time.

( meows weakly )

Good night, Gary.

( cackling crazily )

Whew! I'm glad to see old
SpongeBob's party worked out.

Now I got to get
me own party going.

Potty, are you ready
for some real music, huh?

( squawks ):
Okay, ready.

( blows loud note )

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Scurvy ain't
for the likes of me ♪

♪ Yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho ♪

♪ Yo-ho, yo-ho,
yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

( holds note )

♪ Yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho,
yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho ♪

♪ Yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho,
yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho ♪

♪ Oh... scurvy ain't
for the likes of me... ♪

( squawks )
lt's time for
your flute solo.

Thank you, Potty,
l almost forgot.

( hissing )

Hey, wait a minute.

I don't play a flute.

I play a fife.

( screams )

Potty, no!

( expl*si*n )

( all cheering )

Wow, I can't believe
I survived that one.

( whimpers )

Potty, help me!

Ladies and gentlemen, ( squawks
) The Bird Brains!

( cheering, music begins )

♪ Come with me
to the land I love ♪

♪ It's not right here,
down the street or up above ♪

♪ It's down below
in the deep blue sea ♪

♪ Where SpongeBob lives
and the fun is always free ♪

♪ Down, down, down ♪

♪ To the bottom of the sea ♪

♪ Where our salty friend
SpongeBob ♪

♪ Waits for you and me ♪

( dolphin chirping )

♪ Down, down, down ♪

♪ Ah, we'll have lots of fun ♪

♪ You and me forever
in the underwater sun ♪

♪ We'll catch some jellyfish
if we get a chance ♪

♪ Say hello to Patrick
and do a little dance ♪

♪ Karate-chop Sandy ♪

♪ See Squid get a tan ♪

♪ Eat a Krabby Patty ♪

♪ And foil Plankton's plan ♪

♪ Down, down, down ♪

♪ To the bottom of the sea ♪

♪ We'll hook up with SpongeBob
and his snail, Gary ♪

( Gary meows )

♪ Down, down, down ♪

♪ Oh, we'll have lots of fun ♪

♪ You and me forever
in the underwater sun ♪

♪ Underwater sun. ♪

( crowd cheering )

PATCHY:
Aha!

Great job, boys!

Thanks for stopping by.

Hey, don't let the porthole
hit you on the way out.

And thank you for stopping by.

You made this party
a real fun time.

( doorbell rings )

( squawks )
The ladies are here.

Ooh.

Ladies?

Shiver me timbers.

Welcome, girlies!

( girls giggling )

Huh?

No!

( birds kissing Patchy )

Bye, folks.

It's Potty you're after!

Stop with the kissing!

And thank you for coming

to "SpongeBob's House Party."

Belay the smooching!