03x07 - As Seen on TV/Can You Spare a Dime?

[bunniefuu]

( sniffing )

Come on, Mr. Doodles,

we haven't got all day.

We got to get down
to me favorite restaurant...

mine... where we're sh**ting
our first ever

Krusty Krab commercial.

After this commercial airs,

we'll be swarming
with customers.

I can already feel myself
sweatin' money.

( panting and barking )

No, I got Squidward
organizing the whole thing.

He's, you know... artsy.

What the...?

This looks expensive.

Out of my way.
Coming through.

Move it or lose it.

Squidward!

What?

What in Neptune's
name is going on?

We're making the commercial,
Mr. Krabs.

What you're doing
is throwing away me money.

I told you to rent

only what's
absolutely necessary.

This is all necessary.

We'll, what's all
this useless junk?

That's the useless junk
for scene, uh, .

Oh, well, how do you
explain that?

A second Krusty Krab?

Mr. Krabs, everyone
needs an understudy.

Well, you got me there.

But why do we need him?

This job gets
very stressful, Mr. Krabs.

All right, get lost, all of you!

You're fired! Go on! Scram!
Get out of here, you moochers.

( muttering )
That's right, keep moving!

( all grumbling )

Except you. You stay.

( honks horn )

Well, this is just great.

Now we've got no crew
to make the commercial.

What are you talking
about, Squidward?

We got the cheapest
crew in the world.

You, me and SpongeBob.

Speaking of which, where
is that little barnacle?

I'm down here, sir.

What are you doing, lad?

Squidward said I could help
by burying myself.

Quit fooling

and come on out.

I need you to be
in the commercial.

Me? In the Krusty Krab
commercial? Me?

But-but-but-but-but-but-but...

Don't throw your buts
at me, Mr. Squidward.

We got a timetable to keep.

This thing airs tonight.

Tonight?

Tonight?

Yep. I got a sweet deal

on a prime-time slot.

SPONGEBOB:
It's almost on, Gary.

( yawns )

Yeah, I got butterflies, too.

This is the most exciting thing
to ever happen

in the history of history.

Look, Gary, it's on!

Oh, Jen, I've got
a real problem.

What's your problem, Amy?

I've got all this money,

and I don't know
what to do with it

and I'm hungry.

( hearty laughter )

Who's there?

Where's that coming from?

BOTH:
Yippee! It's Mr. Krabs.

That's right, Amy.

I heard all about your little
problem, and I'm here to help.

Follow me!

Where are we?
Where are we?

Why, we're at none other than...

The Krusty Krab.

Did you say

"Krusty Krab"?

That's right.

Krusty Krab.

Home of the world famous...

Krabby Patty!

What's a Krabby Patty?

( boing )

Why, it's only
the most mouth-watering,

appetizing food
in the seven seas.

There I am, Gary!

There I am!

We start with a fresh
patty... grilled and juicy.

Add some crisp undersea
veggies and cheese.

Topped off with secret sauce
and some buns.

Voila! A Krabby Patty.

I want a Krabby Patty.

Me, too.

How are you liking them
Krabby Patties, girls?

( laughing )

Look, Gary,
there I am again. Look!

Two more satisfied customers.

So, why don't you come on in

and have yourself
a Krabby Patty today?

♪ The Krusty Krab ♪

♪ Come spend your money here! ♪

That was the best seconds
of my life.

Well, time for bed.

( rooster crows )

( loud horn blowing )

Time to go do my favorite thing
at my favorite place.

( humming )

Hey, you!

Top of the morning, Oldster.

Hey, I saw you on TV last night.

TV ANNOUNCER:
New Bran Flakes.

Bold new taste.

Bran Flakes.

You did?

Yeah, you were on a commercial.

You're right.

Wow, he recognized me.

Yep. See you later, Bran Flakes.

What a nice cereal box.

Ah... "Weren't you
that guy on TV?"

"Yes, I am that guy.

How kind of you to notice."

"Weren't you that guy
on the television last night?"

( laughs )

"Yes, that was me. I..."

Oh, please excuse me, sir.

Oh, well, that's quite all right

uh... "SpongeBob."

Wow. I'm getting
recognized all over.

Why, next thing you know,

people are going to
start doing stuff

like holding doors
open for... ( gasps )

Why, sir, I'm flattered.

Really? I don't smell anything.

( laughs )

You're on your way, kid.

( humming )

Excuse me, sir.

Could I get a napkin?

Why, of course, dear sir.

And next time, feel free
to approach me.

It must be so degrading
to ask from across the room.

And who am I making
this bad boy out to?

To my tail fin.

I'll get it myself.

F-I-N. There we are, darling.

Mmm? Shyness got
the best of him.

There you are, SpongeBob.

I need you to...

No problem, Squidward.

I got one already made out.

Enjoy.

"To my tail fin."

Yes, I am that guy on TV.

Hey, look.

Please, good people,
no photos at work.

Here's the ketchup.

Well, maybe just one.

Another one?

Okay. Limbo.

( humming )

And now the... oh, I got it.

There you are, SpongeBob.

Jet pilot.

Now I need
you to... ow!

All right, boy.

Get in there and scrub the head

and stop acting so predictable.

So misunderstood.

Alas, good people, even the
brightest of stars grow weary.

And I am no exception.

But I will shine again after
a quick break in my quarters.

Stay beautiful.

Hey, were you able to
catch Glandy McPinkfish

on Flounderman last night?

No, how was he?

Well, I knew this guy's
acting was good,

but his singing is phenomenal.

I'm telling you, Vender,

if that guy was to cut
a solo record

it would be a hit.

Solo record.

So, if I fire him and make his
successor do twice the work...

( knock on door )

Uh, come in.

Oh, it's just you, SpongeBob.

Those heads better be beautiful.

They are, Mr. Krabs,
and so is mine.

And now I got to lay something
on you, Krabs, baby.

The only thing you better lay

is some patties on
the grill, fry boy.

I can't take that gig, Krabber.

That phase of my career is over.

I'm an entertainer now.

What in blazes
are you talking about?

Come on, Krabs, let's think
outside the box for a second.

Commercials are old hat.

The people want music.

If I could change fate,
l would, Krabsie.

But I'm an entertainer
deep down... a people's person.

We're on the same page here,
aren't we?

Boy, those krabby fumes
must have got to your head.

Borrow Squidward's gas mask,
then get right back to work.

I knew you'd understand.

Well, thanks for the start.

I'm out of here.

( clicking fingers )

Ooh... I've never felt
such a strange combination

of pity and indigestion.

There he is.

Hey, we've been waiting for you.

Where have you been?

How long are you going
to keep us standing here?

Well, SpongeBob, are you
just going to stand there

like a half-wit, mouth agape,

or are you going to fill
these people's orders?

Pipe down, Squidward.
This crowd looks angry.

They're not going
to wait any longer.

I think I better give them
what they need and fast.

I think so, too,

or Krabs will fire both of us.

On second thought,
keep them waiting.

No can do, Squidward.

These people demand
entertainment.

Enter what?

How you doing, folks?

ALL:
Hungry!

That's no problem,
ladies and germs,

'cause SpongeBob is here

to satisfy.

Hey.

( soft music plays )
Eating here was your idea.

I like to call this little
number "Striped Sweater."

♪ The best time to wear
a striped sweater ♪

♪ Is all the time ♪
( patrons murmuring )

♪ One with a collar,
turtleneck ♪

♪ That's the kind ♪

♪ 'Cause when
you're wearing... ♪

We're starving!

( crowd yelling )
♪ ...that one... ♪

♪ Special sweater... ♪

( all yelling )

Squidward, this crowd
is insatiable.

Then why don't you
get back in the kitchen

and grab some patties,
and give them

what they came here for?!

Juggling! Thanks, Squiddy.

Boo!

Is this some kind of joke?

They want juggling and jokes
at the same time?

Tough crowd.

Oh, now what's he doing?

Uh, what do you call a vampire
whose car breaks down

three miles from a blood bank?

A cab.

We're losing our appetites!

Uh, okay, there's a nun,
an astronaut, and a hairdryer.

ALL:
We want patties!

Well, the most I can juggle
is three.

But the show must go on.

Whoa!

Boo!

Boo!

( screaming ):
No!

My career is over.

All those years
clawing my way up.

All the people
I've stepped on, wasted.

Hey, finally.

That's what we've been
waiting for.

They seem to like it when
I put this patty on the grill.

l may be able
to save this act yet.

Roll with it, SpongeBob,
roll with it.

There's more where
that came from, folks.

( cheers )

You like that?

It's what we wanted all along.

It's working, but how do I
follow it up?

Think on your feet, SpongeBob.

That's what got you this far.
Buns!

It's a stretch,

but we all got to try

to push the envelope sometime.

( popping )

Okay, folks,
how do you like this?

( all cheering )
I'm breaking new ground.

Time to get edgy.

CROWD:
We want onions!

Cheese!

( cheers )

Ready for the grand finale?

Yay!

Whoopee!

Krabby Patties!

( cheering )

Well, SpongeBob, looks like

you finally found your calling.

I'll say.

I'm so glad I gave up
fry cooking for this.

NARRATOR:
Closing time
at The Krusty Krab.

, , ...

, , ...

One, two, three,
one, two, three...

Mr. Krabs, can
we please go now?

Perhaps one of our
more loyal workers

can enlighten you
on company policy.

The Krusty Krab
Employee Manual
Second Revised Edition,

page , section ,
clause a states

"All staff must remain
on the premises

until the day's receipts
are fully accounted for."

But that's not fair.

Clause b:
"The proprietor reserves
the right to be unfair."

Teacher's pet.

Let's see...

five, ten, ,
blue, applesauce...

Everything looks to be in order.

Except...

Where is it?

Where is it?!
What?

My dime.
Me special dime.

The first dime I ever made.

I always keep it
at the back of the
register for luck.

Well, I've never seen it.

Hmm.

Are you prepared to say that
with your hand on a stack

of Interpretive Dance
Quarterlies?

Of course I...

What are you saying?

Me? I ain't saying nothing
that would matter to anyone

who'd be willing to take
a lie detector test.

You're saying something.

Heavens to Betsy, no.

It's just that me lucky dime's
gone missing

and you've been working
the register all day.

Are you accusing me
of something?

Well, the way I see it,
there are three possibilities.

One... you stole it.

Two... you stole it.

Or three... you stole it!

I didn't take
your precious dime.

Show me your tentacles.

What? l want
to see empty suction cups.

Here, here, here.
See them?

You... you can't do that to me.

I'm your boss!

Not anymore, Mr. Krabs.

I quit.

( cries ):
No.

I'm out of here.

Squidward, you're making
a big mistake.

Mistake? Ha!

The only mistake I ever made

was wasting my life
at The Krusty Krab.

But a visit to The Krusty Krab
makes everyone happy.

And what could be better
than serving up smiles?

Being dead or anything else.

l never knew you felt
so strongly about this.

Where have you been?

Well, I guess I can't stop you.

But, Squidward,
it's a cold, cold
world out there.

No one's going to
serve you happiness
on a silver platter.

Free sample?
Cookies!

Can I have...?

Anyway, I just want you to know

if you ever get in
trouble, come find me.

I'll take care of you.

'Cause you and me?

We're like brothers.

Only closer.

( beating )

( screams )

SpongeBob, I don't need
your help.

I am ready to unlock
my potential.

I can become anything
l set my mind to.

I could be a football player...

or a king...

or a spaceman.

Or a football playing
king in space...

with a mustache.

( monotone ):
Yeah. Uh-huh.

You know, that reminds me

there's something I've been
wanting to say to you

since the day we met.

Good-bye.

Next time you see me

this town will be eating
out of the palm of my hand.

Spare change?

Spare change, ma'am?

Squidward?

Squidward, is that you?

Uh, I... uh...

It's me, SpongeBob.

We used to work together.

SpongeBob?

There you go.

So where you living these days?

Squidward
Tentacles?
Yes?

Sign here, please.

Uh... nowhere.

Great, and what have you
been doing with yourself?

No, wait, let me guess.

Hmm, I see you've been working
on that mustache.

The tattered clothes...

the awful smell...

You're a football player!
No.

A spaceman!

No.

A football playing
king in space?

Don't you get it?!

I'm a loser!

I've lost my job, my home...

everything!

( gasps ):
Even your paintings?

Nobody would take them,
so I had to eat them.

( crying )

There, there...

you can come live with me.

Here you go, Squidward.

You sleep in my bed.

Okay, but just
till I get a job.

One day, two days tops.

Nonsense, you stay as
long as you need to.

Good night, my little angel.

Breakfast is ready.

You're gonna need to build up
your strength again,

so I laid out a big
buffet for you.

And in bed, too?

Oh, thanks, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob, I... Ah,
shh, shh, shh...

Here comes the plane.

( buzzing )

lt's really nice of you
to help me in my time of need.

I'll try not to be a burden.

It's no trouble.

ls there anything else
I can do for you... winner?

No, no, no, you've already...

well...

♪ ♪

SPONGEBOB:
Oh, wow.

Nourishing a broken spirit
is a lot of work.

I'm bushed.

Still, it feels nice to do good.

( yawns ):
Good night, Gary.

SQUIDWARD:
SpongeBob,

could I get a glass of water?

( footsteps )

Thank you.

Good night.

( footsteps )

SpongeBob, could I get
some more blankets?

( footsteps )

Here you go.

Thank you.

( footsteps )

SpongeBob, you forgot
to turn out the light.

( footsteps )

Good night.

( yells, thudding )

( meows )

( gasps ):
Gary.

Squidward is not a freeloader.

And he would never
take advantage of me.

He's just having a hard time
getting his confidence back.

I'm sure he's close
to a breakthrough.

( grunting )

( meowing )

I know he still isn't
looking for work!

Don't rub it in!

SQUIDWARD: SpongeBob,
where's my lemonade?

Coming, Squidward.

SpongeBob!

SpongeBob!

And why aren't you in uniform?

It's about time you got here.

Here you go, Your Majesty.

I can't drink that.

Why not?

Are you blind?
Just look at it.

What about it?

That lemon has
three seeds in it.

That's an odd number!

I can't eat anything
odd numbered.

Fine, I'll just take it out.

No! No!

It's already contaminated
by the bad lemon.

It won't work.

Hmm. That's two things in
this house that won't work.

Then go fix them.

Two things that won't work.

I've changed my mind.
I want soup instead.

Okay.

Don't move.

Here you go.

It's alphabet soup.
I made it special.

Ah! Condensed soup
from a can.

Disgusting.

Now you've ruined my appetite.

Go fetch me something to read.

Oh, okay.

How about this?

( gasps )

Get that away from me.

You know I'm allergic
to newsprint.

You know, when you
swatted that newspaper
out of my hands,

it reminded me of something
a friend of mine did...

at his job!

( deep bass horn blows )

: . Time for my stories.

Hurry up, they won't hold
the show while you laze around.

( whistling )

Hey, where you going?

To my job.

You have a job?

Why wouldn't I?

I'm not some lazy,
inconsiderate jerk

who lays in bed all day.

Say, where can I get
one of these jobs?

Oh, they're everywhere.

Especially if you're green
and have six tentacles.

Thanks, I'm going to go
look for one so I can stop

mooching off my friends

and they can get back
to their lives.

This isn't my show.

SpongeBob, the remote
control's broken.

Get over here and fix it.

I've got a better idea.

Why don't I call someone
whose job it is to fix it?

You know why?

Because when I need a job done

I get someone with
a job to do that job!

What are you saying?

( screaming )

Donate to the children's fund?

Why? What have children
ever done for me?

You want your dime back?

Take it.

Now Squidward
can come back, right?

Wrong. That ain't
my first dime.

Then have some more dimes.
I've got plenty of them.

You can't put a price
on me first dime.

And I can't forgive

that thieving bilge rat
Squidward for stealing it.

Listen, you crustaceous
cheapskate!

Squidward's been
living at my house
driving me crazy!

And you're not going
to hire him back

all because of a stupid dime?!

What's that?

( gasps )

Me first dime.

Oh, dimey! I'll never
lose you again.

This is a dime?

I've been in business
a long time, boy.

So... if Squidward
never stole the dime

he can come back to work, right?

Aye, lad.

Just let the dime and me
have our privacy.

Eee hoo-hoo!

Well, Mr. Squidward,
it's good to have you back.

Well, it's kind of good
to be back, sir.

It's all water under
the bridge now.

I agree, sir.

After all,
I'm sure you didn't mean
to misplace me dime.

What? What are you saying?

Well, it's obvious that you
put the dime in me pants.

Dimes just don't fly
into people's pants.

SQUIDWARD:
Are you accusing me
of something?

Well, the way I see it

there are three possibilities.

One... you put the dime
in me pants.

Two... you put the dime
in me pants.

Or three... you put the dime
in me pants!