03x06 - Snowball Effect/One Krabs Trash

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR:
Ah, observe the majesty
of the mighty iceberg.

This frozen giant,
normally found

floating in polar regions,

can sometimes stray
into warmer waters,

causing dramatic changes
in climate

for tropical undersea life.

( wind whistles, roars )

Yes, it seems Old Man Winter
paid us a visit late last night

and he brought with him
not a pillow or a sheet

but a blanket...
a blanket of snow!

Yes, from Jellyfish Fields...

to residential abodes...

to bustling downtown...

it's nothing
but the light stuff.

Whoopee!

And local residents
are taking notice!

Hmm...

Hey!

What's this?

Drops of rain
frozen into ice crystals?

I shall harness their energy
and rule the world!

( laughs evilly )

Ahh... oh! Stop!

I wish to rule you...!

Snow angel!

( laughs giddily )

Oh...

Hey!

( whistling )

Thanks a lot, SpongeBob!

While you were just
standing there whistling,

someone threw a snowball at me!

Oh, really, Patrick?
( giggles )

Did the snowball look like this?

Yeah.

( laughs )

This is serious, SpongeBob.

Someone's after me.

I think I better leave town.

Patrick, I threw it.

We're having a snowball fight.

Don't you get it?

Snowball fight?

I want to play!
I want to play!

Well, first,
you have to make a snowball.

Oh, yeah! A snowball.

Ooh, this is going to be great!

Huh?

Wha...?

Aw...!

SpongeBob?

Can you help me make a snowball?

Sure, pal.

Thanks, buddy.

Patrick!

How could you?!

It's a snowball fight, remember?

Oh, yeah.

( grunting and yelling )

SQUIDWARD:
Ah, yes...

Warm fire, cozy slippers,

and a piping hot cup of tea
with a lemon wedge.

( gasps, shatters )

Why do I even bother?

( banging )

( scraping and thumping )

Would you two

please keep it down?!

Squidward! You're just in time
to enlist in my army!

Join me and together
we'll defeat The Pink Menace!

That's me!

I can start you off
as a buck private,

but with hard work, perhaps
you can rise through the ranks

and become a regular private!

Thanks, but no, thanks,
Major Stupidity.

You and General Nonsense
over there

will have to fight without me.

( snickers )

Got 'em both.

( gasps )

( growls )

Patrick, you fool!

This was over
before it started! ( giggling )

I will now consider your
unconditional surren...

...der.

( guffawing )

So that's how he wants it
to go down.

( imitating machine g*n )

Ooh.

Ha! You missed me!

( choking )

( choking sound slowed down )

( gulps )

Ooh.

( g*n cocks )

( machine g*n sound resumes )

( choking )

Score one for the boys
back home!

Yes? Oh, Patrick.

What an unpleasant surprise.

Oh, boy, nothing like
a game of charades.

( choking )

( gulps, gasps )

I was trying to tell you
that I was choking on snow,

but the snow melted
and turned into water

and I drank all the water,
now I'm better.

Fascinating.

Now, where was I?

( knock on door )

What?!

Could I use your bathroom?

Patrick, go use
your own bathroom.

I don't think I can
make it. Please?

No.

Please?

No.

Please?

No.
Please?!

Okay, make it quick.

That's okay.

Aha!

Aiding the enemy!

I've caught you
red-handed,
Squidward!

Look, SpongeBob, I was just...

SpongeBob! Oh...!

( shrieks )

Yay! Squidward's
on my side!

I most certainly am not!

Then that means he's on my side!

No, SpongeBob, I'm not
on your side either!

I'm on nobody's side.

Snowball fights are
for immature children,

and I will not stoop
to your level.

If you two want to knock
each other's brains out

with snowballs,
kindly leave me out of it.

PATRICK:
Come on,
SpongeBob,

let's go knock
each other's brains out!

SPONGEBOB:
I'm ready!

Hmm...

Okay, Patrick, it's out.

( snickers )
Now, there's something
I'd actually like to see.

Nothing wrong with getting
a front-row seat, I suppose.

( snickers )

Ah...

What's this?

Wha... I... no!

What are you doing?

You're supposed to be knocking
each other's brains out!

We signed a peace treaty,
Squidward.

You were right...
Fighting is for children.

No, no, no, I misled you,
it's for adults, too.

Give me that peace treaty!

There! Let the
w*r continue.

Squidward, that wasn't
the peace treaty.

That was a copy
of the peace treaty.

Look, you two are
giving up too easily.

Now, Patrick,
pretend I'm SpongeBob.

And who am I?

You're Patrick.

Can I be Mr. Krabs?

No! Wait, why?

He's a good leader.

Would you butt out?!

Hey, you can't talk
to Mr. Krabs

like that, Squidward!

I'm SpongeBob! You're Patrick!

Now, what are you going to do?

Patrick, why didn't
you hit SpongeBob?

You said you were
SpongeBob, SpongeBob.

( imitating Mr. Krabs ):
Argh! It's true, Mr. Squidward!

Now get back to work!

( laughs in his own voice )

Oh, boy. All right, I can
see where this is going.

Let's just say
for all intents and purposes

that I, Squidward, am now
part of this w*r. Now...

If you're in this w*r,
then where's your fort?

I don't have one, okay? Now...

You got to have
a fort, Squidward.

Forts win wars, Squidward.

Grr... okay, fine!
You want a fort?

There. There's
your fort! Now...

That fort's too small,
Squidward.

It's okay, Patrick.

It's just a demonstration.
Now...

He's right, Squidward.

That thing would never
protect you.

It's downright puny.

Trust me, it's fine!

SPONGEBOB:
See? It is too small.

Not if I crouch down!

l mean, you didn't even
give me a chance to crouch down!

See? Down here,
I am perfectly...

Exposed.

Would you two please...

stop throwing...

snowballs?!

( growling, stammering )

( gasps )

Squidward returned fire!

Then it's w*r!

No-no... no, wait, wait, wait.

I was just giving
a demonstration!

( growls )

All right, that's it!

You guys asked for it!

( grunting )

I got him! Ha! I got him.

( laughs )

In your face, SpongeBob!

( laughs )

That was actually
kind of... exciting!

Why... I've never felt so alive!

( laughs )

He got you good, SpongeBob!

Ooh!

Take cover!

( laughing ):
Take that... I got you...

Yeah... oh, I got you...
oh, take that...

Whoa, I got you that time...

Oh, yeah...

( laughing and grunting )

Incoming!

Hey, SpongeBob?

Yes, Patrick?

l think Squidward's
taking this really seriously.

That last one had
his clarinet in it!

Hmm... looks like
it's time for Plan B.

Take that!

( laughing wildly )

( gasping and panting )

What's going on?

The snowballs
have stopped falling.

l better take advantage
of this momentary cease-fire.

What?! My left flank is exposed!

That bloated starfish is
going to run right through me!

I'll just fix that right now.

( laughing )

Wait, that makes my north wall
a weak spot. Ha!

Here we go. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Oh, oh, oh...

But if they attack
from the rear, I'm a goner.

There... ha-ha!
( gasps )

But what about the possibility
of an aerial attack?

( gasps )

( laughing wildly )

I guess that ought to do it.

( laughing wildly )

Fort Squidward is now
all but impenetrable!

( laughing wildly )

Now... where are those fools?

( grunts )

Ha! The first shot
has been fired!

( grunts )

Take this, Patrick!

( grunts )

Taste my frozen fury!

Victory is mine!

( grunts )

( laughing wildly )

Whee! Ha-ha!

Well, I got you now!

( Squidward laughing )

Did you hear something, Patrick?
Nope.

MAN ( on TV ):
Get out the snowshoes
and the shovels.

NARRATOR:
Ah, a yard sale.

You know the old saying:

"One man's trash is
another man's treasure."

Disposable?!

Phooey.

For Mr. Krabs,
all trash is treasure.

( sniffs )

Open for business.

See anything you like?
Yeah.

I'll give you a buck-
for this umbrella.

A buck- for that?!

But it's an antique!

It belonged to a queen.

Ten bucks.

Ten bucks?!

It's full of holes!

It was the Queen of Switzerland.

A queen, you say? That's...

Wait a second,
they don't have a queen.

Okay,
Mr. Bargain Hunter.

Five bucks.

Deal!

( sniffs )

Ah, the sweet smell
of an all-day sucker.

( slurping in background )

SPONGEBOB:
They taste even better.

Hi, Mr. Krabs.

What you doing?

( slurping )

I'm having an antique sale.

Have a look around.

Hey, Patrick,
look at this thing.

Pretty cool, huh?

That looks like
the toilet plunger
I threw out yesterday.

That ain't no toilet plunger.

This here's an antique!

lt, uh... um... uh...
a th-century soup ladle, see?

Man, was I using mine wrong.

How much?

Five bucks.

I've only got seven.

Deal!

Patrick Star,
you are one smart shopper.

Wow! Look at this neat-o
soda-drinking hat.

Oh! It must've belonged to
someone who was number one.

There's only been
a handful of number ones

in the entire history
of forever.

That's right, SpongeBob,
and you're one of 'em.

Really?

This hat says,
"Hey, I'm number one

and I let gravity
do my drinking."

This hat was made for you, boy.

You were born to wear this hat!

Eee... ooh...!

A perfect fit, eh, son?

Oh, thank you,
Mr. Krabs!

Thank you for
bringing us together!

( sighs )
How can I ever repay you?

With ten dollars.

All I have is five.

Well, I guess it's no deal.

I'll be right back.

( gasps )

( laughs )

Ah!

Mr. Krabs,
I found cents.

But maybe you could
take the other $ .

out of my paycheck.

What do you say?

Well... I don't know...

Uh... okay!

But only 'cause you look
so dashing in that hat.

Thanks, Mr. Krabs!

Don't mention it, boys!

( laughs )

What a couple of rubes.

Excuse me, sir, but are you

the purveyor
of this curio stand?

Yes, I am.

I understand you're selling

this rare novelty drink hat.

Fresh out.

Let me explain.

I'm prepared to give you
$ for that drink hat.

Fi-fi-fi-fi-fi...

Not so fast.

I'll give you $ ,
for such a hat.

( stammering )

I'll give you

$ , in cash for said hat.

( stammering )

Sir, I'll give you
a million dollars for that hat!

SpongeBob!

( laughs )

There he is
with me million-dollar hat.

I got to get it back

before he finds out
how much it's worth.

Ah! My bubble production
has increased twofold.

Thanks to you, Hatty.

SpongeBob!

Hey, Mr. K!
How's the antique
biz treating you?

Oh, never mind
that. Listen...

I didn't want to say this
in front of Patrick.

That hat makes you look
like a girl.

Am I a pretty girl?

Oh, well, um...

You're...
you're beautiful.

Uh... heh-heh.

( laughs )

All right, now give
me the hat back.

But, Mr. Krabs,
you said it yourself...

I was born to wear this hat.

I don't want to give it back.

I can't part with this hat now.

Not after all
we've been through.

Thanks, Mr. Krabs!

I'll call you Hatty.

And that's when you showed up.

Aw, forget it!

And you're not beautiful either.

I'm not?

( laughs )

SpongeBob, just the man
I wanted to see.

Still playing with
that dumb old hat, eh?

Yep.

Not sick of that
boring old hat yet?

Nope.

Not even a little tired

of that old piece of junk?

Uh-uh.

Not even a teensy, tiny bit?

Nope.

Well, then, I guess

you don't want to see
what's in my bag.

What is it?

Novelty hats.

How about this
air-conditioned one?

Seems a little dangerous.

The Juicer?

Ooh...

Foxy Grandpa?

( laughs )

So, what do you say?

Your silly hat
for all these hats.

No deal, Mr. Krabs.

I'm sticking with Hatty.

Thanks for the offer, though.

I thought the Foxy Grandpa
would get him for sure.

I didn't want to have
to do this,

but he leaves me
no other option.

I'm going to have to
scare it off of him.

( snoring )

( snickers )

This'll scare him.

( scary moaning )

Oh, my gosh!

A floating shopping list!

( screams )

I'm not a shopping list...

I'm a ghost...!

( screams )

( scary laughter )

Now, listen, SpongeBob.

How do you know my name?

Who are you?!

l am the Ghost
of Soda Drink Hats.

And I'm here to tell you

that that soda drink hat
you possess is cursed.

Cursed?

Yes! It once belonged
to some guy who's dead now.

What guy?

Uh, uh... Smitty something.

Smitty what?

Uh, Smitty... Werben...

Jaegerman... Jensen.

He must have been number one.

Number one in Bogeyland!

Now, listen...

a curse will descend on you

unless the hat is returned
to its owner immediately.

Immediately?

Immediately...

To its owner?

Yes...

Right now?

Yes, yes! It must be returned
to its owner right now!

Hey, Mr. Krabs.

Ahh! SpongeBob!

Uh, uh, what are you
doing here?

Oh, I was just returning
the cursed soda drink hat

to its original owner:
Smitty Werben Jaegerman Jensen.

What? There is
no Smitty Werben
Jaegerman Jensen.

Sure there is!

He's buried out
in Floater's Cemetery.

How did? I just...
You did... I would...

Give me that shovel!
( muttering )

It was his hat, Mr. Krabs.

He was number one!

( bat squeaking )

( eerie moaning )

( hooting )

Huh?!

( chattering )

( gasps )

( screeches )

Ahh!

Hold yourself together, Krabs.

It's just a boneyard...
filled with bones.

( creaking )

Ahh!

What's that?

It's Squidward.

What's he doing here?

( sniffles )

Ohh...

"Here lie Squidward's
hopes and dreams."

What a baby. Where was I?

Oh, yeah! Gotta find
Smitty Whatsajipster.

Nope... nope... no... no...

No... uh-uh... no... no...
uh-uh... nope, not there...

I've checked every headstone
in this cemetery

and there's no
Smitty Wabbablabba buried here.

Think, Krabs.

Maybe something SpongeBob said
will give you some kind of clue.

Remember, licking doorknobs

is illegal on other planets.

No, not that!

You'll never guess

what I found in
my sock last night.

Go ahead, guess!

No! No! No! No! No!

It was his hat, Mr. Krabs.

He was number one!

Ahh! Barnacles!

I'll never find...

The grave!

Am I really going to defile
this grave for money?

Of course I am!

( grunting )

( thud )

Jackpot!

Ooh. It's beautiful.

Come to Papa.

Huh?

Come on, Smitty, let go.

Rest in pieces, Smitty.

I got the million-dollar hat!

( thunder booms )

Hey, man, that's my hat.

Give it back.

What? No way.

Just crawl back
into your hole, bone boy.

Go ahead, play dead.

I guess I'm going to have
to take it from you.

Yeah, right. You and what army?

( eerie groaning )

Only the army
of the living dead.

Oh, no! I've seen this
on the late show.

You ghoulish fiends hold me down

and take turns
nibbling on my innards.

Then you eat my brain and
leave my body for the buzzards.

That's disgusting.

We just want the hat back.

No flipping way!

Back up! Back up, I say!

Attack.

Tallyho!

Look at me, I'm Errol Fin!

You're falling apart,
marrow brain!

You must be kidding!

Back to oblivion!

Hup-ho! How's your sister?

All right, boneheads,
playtime's over.

Yee-hoo!

( yelling, swords clanging )

Wa-ha!

A million dollars.

I've got a million dollars!

( all talking at once )

Oh, there you are.

Well, I got it.

The rare novelty soda drink hat.

Let's start the bidding
at $ million.

( all laughing )

Yeah, you want that all at once?

A million dollars!

You got to be kidding!

( laughter continues )

Hey! The poor sap's
not kidding.

Didn't you hear?

They found a whole
warehouse full of them.

They're worthless!

( laughter continues )

Let's give Mr. Krabs a big hand!

( laughing )

Now, that's worth
a million dollars!

( laughing )

Hey, kid, wait up!

I saw him first!

I'll give you $ billion!

Well, that's a spirit breaker.

( crying )

What a baby.