07x10 - Thanksgiving '94

[bunniefuu]

See? I told you that amnio
wouldn't be that bad.

Yeah. They stick
a needle in my stomach,

and they suck out
a bunch of goo.

I want to come back
tomorrow

and see if they can
do that for my butt.

Well, what do you
think it's gonna be,

a boy or a girl?

Well, boy or girl
really isn't the question

so much as good or evil.

Now come on, they're having
a big Thanksgiving sale

down at Buy 'N' Bag,
and I got to get
a turkey for next week.

Get an organic one
this year,

because those
regular ones,

they're pumped up
with chemicals
and growth hormones.

Yeah, but D.J.'s favorite
part's the third leg.

Excuse me. You might want
to use the back door

to avoid those
abortion protestors.

They won't hassle us;
we'll just tell 'em

we're with
the pre-natal care.

It doesn't matter.
They won't believe you.

Well, what right do they
have to hassle anybody?

Well, these things
can get violent.

Roseanne,
let's go out the back.

No way. I'm kickin' ass
for two now.

Heigh-ho, heigh-ho,
life begins when we say so!

Are you with us?

Oh, yeah. I'm from
the central office.

Uh, my name is Enid,

and this is, uh, Jackie.

No, no, now, Enid, no.

You can tell them
my real name.

I'm Roseanne.

Well, I can see

why you're so committed
to this cause.

You look like a fetus.

I think I remember you.

Weren't you at that
action in Wichita?

Well, I wanted
to be there,

but I got stuck
setting myself
on fire up in Omaha.

So what did you find out
about this place?

Well, we did
a total sweep,

and the place is clean.

Hey, you just stuck
your kid in the eye

with your
"Save the Children" sign.

But we were told
they were performing
abortions here.

Well, see, we've been
getting a lot of bad
information lately.

I don't know.
I think we got a mole.

I don't want to point
any fingers, but, uh,

Roseanne, there, is new.

So what'll we do?

Oh, don't worry; I got
everything under control.

Uh, I'm giving you
the address of a clinic

that is very active today.

All right,
let's go, let's go.

And afterwards, we got a big
pro-capital punishment rally

we can go to.

Thanks, Enid.

All right, everybody,
follow me!

Roseanne, you may not
agree with them,

but how can you send 'em
on a wild goose chase?

I didn't.
I sent 'em to Mom's.

[laughing]

Hey.

Will you sew these up
for me?

Sure. Can you give me
the needle and thread?

What am I, your sl*ve?

This is, like,
the third pair of pants

I've sewn up for you.

What do you ever
do for me?

Well, I don't tell people
you can sew, Betty Ross.

Staircase pattern
on . Hut-hut.

They're trying
to double-team Conner
on this one.

He blows
past the first guy,

fakes towards
the staircase.

The crowd goes crazy!

Study these moves, boys,

for you shall be
performing same tomorrow.

What are you
talking about?

It's the annual
Thanksgiving Day
football game.

We need a couple
of fearless he-men

to replace
the guys whose wives
won't let 'em play.

Cool, we'll be there.
Yeah, cool.

[Fred]
All right.
Let's go, Dan.

Mark, when I look at you,
I see speed.

David, when I look at you,

I know we won't leave
any equipment on the field.

That's great.
I haven't played
football in a long time.

Yeah. Me, neither.

I just hope
I don't get stuck

being the guy
with his hands

on some other guy's
butt.

What position
do you want to play?

Well, I don't know.

Like the guy who does
the main scoring thing.

You know, like the lineback
flanking guy, yeah.

The what?

Leave me alone.

Wait a minute.

You don't know anything
about football, do you?

When I was in high school,
I had better things to do

than chase
a stupid ball around.

Like what?

Like beating up artsy
femme boys like you.

At least I know
how to play football.

You know, I always
had this theory
about football players.

Touching each other
on the butt,

sticking their butts
up in the air,

and wearing
really tight pants

to show off
their butts.

What are you saying,
Mark?

That they're
really into butts.

And I don't want
anyone checking me out
back there.

Why not?

Cut it out.

All right, Mark.

I was gonna offer
to help you out,

but if you don't mind
being embarrassed

in front of your
father-in-law, hey.

All right.
Look, I'm sorry, man.

Would you mind
teaching me?

Of course not.
You're my brother.

Now, both teams get
several chances to score.

These are called downs.

On first down--

Well, wait.
How many are there?

I can't believe
you haven't picked up

any of this
in the last years.

I can't believe you haven't
picked up any sailors

in the past minutes.

Okay, fine.

To answer your question,
there are seven downs.

I thought there was
always four or five.

Oh, Mark, no.

Now, if you catch the ball
on the fourth down,

you cannot run with it.

You have to stop
right where you are

and throw the ball
down on the ground.

That's called a spike.

Yeah, hey, spike.
I've seen that.

That's when you do
the dance thing, too,
right?

You got to do the dance.

Once you spike the ball down
in the middle of the field,

believe me, everyone's
gonna be looking at you.

Well? Is it a boy?

No, it's a girl,
and her name is Darlene,

and she's not coming
home for Thanksgiving.

Great. More hummus
and tabouli for me.

Did you call the clinic?

No. I was thinking
maybe we're not supposed
to know the sex.

Maybe we should do
what we did with D.J.:

wait till he's
and then let him decide.

No, I want to know.

I want to tell
everybody at dinner.

Maybe your mom
will get so excited,
she'll choke.

Oh, okay.
Let's find out.

At least this way,
it'll keep you

from trying to peek at it
while I'm asleep.

* Over the river
and through the woods *

* From Grandmother's
house I come *

Look what just crawled out
from under Plymouth Rock.

Your Nana Mary
just came in,

and she's brought
a special guest.

It's her new husband.

This may turn out
to be the worst
holiday ever.

She got married?

Yes! Your Nana Mary
has finally found the man

she wishes to spend
the rest of her life with.

Well, that's a big step.

I mean, at her age,

that's at least
a three-year commitment.

Happy Thanksgiving,
everybody!

Hey, anybody want
to baste this old bird

with any booze
you got around handy?

So, uh...
who's the looker?

This is Joe.
That's all
she'd tell me.

Just Joe.

Hey, Joe,
what do you know?

No, he doesn't hear
very well, Rosie,

but that's
the price you pay

for defending
your country
against the Kaiser.

So...uh...
does he do anything?

Well, what he's gonna do
right now is take a leak.

It was a very long,
long trip. Thank you.

Yes, it's another
Norman Rockwell
Thanksgiving

at your house,
Roseanne!

It's right down the hall!

Zoom! Look at him go!

Come sit down with me,
Nana Mary.

Or should I just
call you Mrs. Joe?

Hey, Roseanne,
isn't there
a phone call

you wanted to make
before it gets
too late?

Oh, yeah. You know,
the holidays are
the busiest time

for us phone sex gals.

Well, Mary,
you look great.

Marriage
must really agree
with you, kiddo.

Thank you, Dan.
My complexion cleared up

as soon as Joey and I
started doing it.

Oh, Mother!

Shut up, Beverly.

I was hoping that it
would bring back
his hearing.

Instead, he went
blind in one eye.

That'll happen.
Excuse me, ladies.

So should I get it
a pink or blue
football helmet?

Just a minute.
She's checking.

Yeah. Hi. Okay.

So what kind of kid
have we got?

Does it have indoor
or outdoor plumbing?

Uh, Mrs. Conner,
I'm afraid I'm not allowed

to give you
that information.

Well, why not? You just
were gonna a minute ago.

Well, I know.
It's just...

I'm not allowed to give out
any information

in situations like this.

What are you talking about
"situations like this"?

You'll have to speak
to the doctor.

No, you just tell me.
Is something wrong?

What's wrong
with the baby?

You'll really have
to ask the doctor.

Well, put him
on the phone.

I can't. He left
for the holiday,

but I'll page him.

I'm sure he'll call you
as soon as he can.

Tell him he'd better
get back to me quick,

and remind him
that I'm the one

that yelled
into his stethoscope.

What is it?

I have to wait
for the doctor to call.

It's probably nothing.

Yeah, right.
That's why the nurse
wouldn't say anything.

The nurse probably
doesn't even know what
she's talking about.

What if she does, Dan?
What then?

Well...

then we'll do what we always
said we were gonna do:

we'll just try again.

Dan, evidently,

Mother's new husband
needs your help

getting off the toilet.

I don't know how Christmas
is going to top this.

I love Thanksgiving!

The whole family
pitching in on the meal

and pretending Mother hasn't
made a horrible mistake

with her life!

Mom, come on.
Joe's been a big help.

He snapped three beans.

Why...

Why him, Mother?

Why is this old man
my daddy?

Hey.
How'd the game go?

I don't know.
Why don't you
ask Spike?

I'm really sorry, Dan.

That's okay.

Nothing's going right
this Thanksgiving.

It wasn't so bad
you threw the ball down

on the yard line
like that,

but what did you
do that dance for?

It was fourth down,
hotshot.

Sorry you lost.

No, it was great.

Hey, honey.

Did you get a call?

You didn't talk to anybody
about this, did you?

No.

Good. I don't want anybody
making a big deal out of this.

Just try not
to think about it.

Yeah, it would be silly
to worry about that

when the Bears are having
such a bad season.

Here.

Oh, I don't need
a sweater, Roseanne.

I've brought my own
special schnapps.

Want a bite?

She can't, Nana Mary.
She's pregnant.

Oh, come on.
My goodness.

It's not as if the fetus
had to drive somewhere.

I'll do that.

Hey, so? Did you
call the clinic?

Uh...yeah, but I
couldn't get through.

Why not?

Well, you know,

all those pregnant teenagers
just hog the phone.

Roseanne!

I heard what you did
about those abortion
protestors.

I'm proud of you, baby.

Oh, yes, Roseanne.
You're quite
the revolutionary.

I'm surprised you're not
down in some coffee shop

hitting bongos.

I'm proud of you, too, Mom.

I can't believe abortion
used to be illegal.

What if I was
one of those girls

that got pregnant
in high school?

You might have had
to drop out

and marry some loser.

Can we please talk
about something else?

You know,
I had two abortions

when I was young.

Mother, you what?

Yeah.

You heard her.
I heard her.

Everybody
heard her,

except Joe.

Roseanne, come on.
This is huge!

You had two abortions,
Nana Mary?

That must have
been so hard.

Well, it was pretty tough
in those days.

The laws were very strict.

I had to go to some
terrible place

way on the south side
of Chicago.

That was the first time.

So the second time,
I went to Mexico.

Or was that to get wool?

I think it's
an abomination.

If you're willing to lie
on your back and have sex,

you should be willing
to face the consequences.

Who said I was
on my back?

Gee, I wonder who told
the abortion stories

at the very first
Thanksgiving.

Now, what if I decided
to have an abortion

with you, Roseanne?

Or with your sister?

What would have
happened then?

Would you like me
to tell you, Mom?

Maybe you wouldn't have
had to marry some guy

you didn't love
and you would've had

a happy and fulfilling life.

Wouldn't that be
an abomination?

Yes, it would, Roseanne,
because I know

the difference between
right and wrong.

And abortion is wrong.

Well, thank you
for giving us all
the truth, Mother.

I've always wondered what
that red thong was doing

in your apartment
with the word "God" on it.

That's right...

I went to Mexico
for the wool

and to Canada
for the abortion.

I used to love to travel.

Roseanne, what is it?

This nurse down
at the clinic

said there might be
something wrong
with the baby.

Oh, my God, what?

I don't know.

Oh, Roseanne,
I am so sorry.

When are you
gonna find out?

We're just sitting here
waiting for the doctor to call.

He hasn't called you back yet
at a time like this?

How can the man
be so insensitive?

Well, I'm guessing
he's never been pregnant.

You and Dan must be
scared to death.

Well, actually, Dan
isn't allowing himself

to feel anything
until we know for sure.

Well, it is lucky
that you're so early

in the pregnancy.

Yeah, it's not
that early, Jackie.

I heard the heart beat.

You know, I always
thought that I could

have an abortion,
but now, I just--

I don't think I can.

Part of me would
always wonder

what the kid was gonna
turn out to be.

Oh, Roseanne...

I can't believe that Nana Mary
went through this twice.

Well, at least we're
better off than she was.

At least we have a choice.

Oh, yeah, we're so lucky.

We get to choose.

I was gonna
take a shower,

but I guess
I can go upstairs.

Um, Dan, I think
we should talk.

I was thinking,
and even if something

turns out to be wrong,
I'm just not sure

what I want to do.

Jackie, could you
leave us alone
for a minute?

Look, I thought we decided
that if there was, you know,

a serious problem,
that we would deal with it.

I mean, we talked
about this.

Yeah, but everything's
different now.

Why?

Because I'm pregnant.

So are you saying
you wanna have this
baby no matter what?

No, I'm--I'm just
saying that

this is a much more
complicated decision

than I ever thought
it would be.

Well, I refuse
to deal with this now.

I mean, if this is real,
you'll probably feel
differently.

Don't tell me
how I'm gonna feel.

I'm not telling you
how you're gonna feel.

I'm just saying when
the time comes for you
to make a decision,

you're not gonna
make it alone.

Why, are you gonna
make it for me?

No, I'm gonna
make it with you.

I mean, after all,
this is half my kid.

Yeah, but it's
in my body.

That's great, as long
as it stays in your body.

When it comes out,
I've gotta take half
the responsibility.

Dan, telling the kids
every couple of years

that they cannot
have a dog

is not taking half
the responsibility.

So, that's all
I am around here
is a sperm donor?

No.

You're also
sort of an ornament.

This is ridiculous.

We're gonna wait
for the call.

Yeah, and what am I supposed
to do in the meantime?

Count our blessings!

[TV, Man]
--for the touchdown!

Yes!

Did you see that?
The guy just
spiked the ball.

What a jerk.

But he scored
a touchdown.

Man, David really
got you good.

So when you
gonna punch him?

I don't know.
When are you
gonna shut up?

Mark, I drained
all the oil
like you said.

I still can't
get my car started.

I'll tell you what,
after dinner,

just keep cranking it
until it starts,
then floor it.

All right.

Isn't that bad
for his engine?

Yeah, it's gonna
completely wreck it.

[Becky]
Hey, everybody,
dinner's ready!

[screams]

I forgot he was there.

Hey, there you are,
Roseanne.

Everything looks
great this year.

Roseanne, Dan,
you wanna serve?

Oh.

I'll take this out to Joe.

Oh, isn't he gonna
join us for dinner?

After all, it might be
his last Thanksgiving.

Listen, he's quite
all right just
where he is.

He's got his bell in case
he starts to choke.

Sweetie, don't eat
too much!

Leave room
for your medications.

What's the matter, baby?
[baby crying]

Perhaps he's choking
and he can't find his bell.

Shut up, Bev.
No, you shut up!

Everybody, shut up
and eat the dinner!

[phone ringing]

I'll get it.

Hello?

Uh, yeah, doctor.

Excuse me.

No.

So now dinner's been
interrupted.

I mean, will nothing
go right this year?

Oh, stop bellyachin',
Beverly!

All you do is complain.

Try to think
of one thing

you can be grateful for
this year.

Yes, I am grateful...

for such a sensitive mother
who always supports me

and nurtures me
and never treats me

like dirt
beneath her feet.

There you go;
you thought of it.

Now don't hog
all the dark meat.

What'd he say?

He said they don't
know anything

and that I have
to have another amnio.

So we gotta
keep waiting?

Yeah.

I don't even wanna
deal with this.

I don't even wanna
think about it.

[baby crying]

He, uh--
he knew the sex,

but I didn't
want him to tell me.

[baby yelling]

There.

What do you think?

I think you did
a great job.

You know what?

I think you're a chick
trapped in a wuss' body.

Come on, Mark,
I fixed your pants.

How 'bout giving me
a break with fixing my car?

Well, I'll tell you what.

I'm going out
to dinner with Becky

and when I get back,
I'll think about it.

You got a loose
thread here, hold on.

[sighs]

[fabric tearing faintly]

You know, I am
pretty good at this.

You're pathetic.