07x09 - White Men Can't Kiss

[bunniefuu]

** [harmonica]

** [TV, children's]

Jackie, do we have
to watch this?

Barney is making me very...

very intensely angry.

It is important for Andy.

Unless you think
that he would learn more
watching Baywatch.

Now, there's no point
teasing the boy.

He doesn't get
to eat again
for another hour.

[doorbell]

[Bev]
Jackie, guess who's
come to visit?

[whispering]
God, it's Mom!

Fred, hide, hide.
Keep your voice down.

Your mother knows
about me, Jackie.

You remember
she was at our wedding?

That old woman
is not coming in here.

I have told her before,
if she wants to come over,

she has to call first.

That way, we have
time to leave.

I think you should
just let her in.

Are you insane?

There is a baby in here.

[pounding at door]

Jackie?I know
you're in there.

I can see your filthy car
in the driveway.

Damn it!

We have to start parking
down the street.

Jackie, I know
you hate your mom,

but I think
you're being selfish.

I am not.

I never said
you couldn't
hate her too.

[pounding at door]
Jackie!

[knocking on door]
Fred?

Well, I guess
no one's home.

I suppose I'll just
wait it out in the cold

until they show up.

Burr. I wish
I'd worn a sweater.

Fred, turn on
the sprinkler.

This is ridiculous.
No, Fred, please don't.

[hissing]
Jackie, Jackie!

Hi, Bev.
Come on in.

So, you are home.

Thank goodness
I wasn't Ed McMahon

with a million-dollar check

or you two would've
really missed the boat.

Sorry, Mom.
We were taking a nap.

Well, whatever
you were doing,

I can see you weren't
busy cleaning.

There's my little man.
[laughs]

Come to Grandma,
fudgy-face.

[baby coos]

See, she's completely
harmless.

It is like
radiation, Fred.

It may take years,
but that baby

is gonna pay the price
for this exposure.

** [blues rock]

[laughing]

What are you doing?

Oh, I got stuck
making this costume

for D.J.'s school play.

I don't know why
they can't just do

Oh, Calcutta.

Well, uh, Mom stopped
by the house again last night

without calling first.

I told you, a couple
of loose wires
in the doorbell

and that'll
fix her right up.

Fred just lets her
in the house.

On purpose.

I don't want her
around the baby,

but Fred is obsessed
with our kid

having a grandmother
around all the time.

So what's wrong
with his mom?

Oh--
[scoffs]

Dead.

Well, you know how men are
when they have babies.

They get all sentimental
and everything.

I remember when I had Becky.
Dan made me tell Mom.

You know what Fred needs?

He needs to spend
a little more time with Mom.

Hi, Mom.

Um, you know, last week
me and Fred were talking

about Great Uncle Saul
and I couldn't remember

whether he had shingles
or phlebitis.

Oh, the gout.

Oh, that's fascinating.

And I think Fred would think
it was fascinating too.

You should give him a call.
He's home right now.

Okay, I gotta go now.
Bye, Mom.

[laughs]
Oh-ho-ho...

So, so nasty.

[Dan]
Hey!

Hey, Lancelot,
I finished your costume

and I even put
shoulder pads in it

so you'll look
nice and macho.

I'm not gonna be
in that dumb play!

Well, fine, then you're gonna
wear it to soccer practice!

What's wrong with him?

Well, apparently
he has to kiss a girl

in this play and he's
really upset about it.

I know what he feels like.

They made me kiss a boy
in a school play.

Yeah, but nobody
made you sleep with him.

I'll tell you what,
they wouldn't have had
to ask me twice.

By the time I was ,
I had kissed girls.

Yeah, two he wasn't
related to.

Yeah. Well, the teacher says
he either kisses this girl

or he's out of the play.

Well, that's not fair.
He's just a little boy.

I'm gonna go talk
to that teacher

and tell her
what she can kiss.

Hey, Dan?
Yeah?

You hate Mom,
don't you?

Of course.

God, I envy you.

Hey, kid,
where's your teacher?

I'll tell you
for a buck.

Well, I don't have a buck
but how would you like

a quarter shoved
up your nose?

You're D.J.'s mom,
aren't you?

Hi, I'm Mrs. Sims.

Hi, I'm Mrs. Conner.
Can we talk?

Certainly.
Sit down.

Well, um...

you know, it's about
that play that D.J.'s in,

and he didn't know that
he had to kiss somebody

and he's really
uncomfortable about it.

D.J. knew about the kiss.

He did?

Yes, that's why he wanted
the part in the first place.

Oh.

Well, you know how kids change
their minds all the time.

I mean, he, uh--
Just last week,
he hated all of us

and he wanted
to run away from home.

You know,
this week, he, uh--

I guess that's not
a good example.

D.J. said you didn't
want him to kiss Gina.

I'll just put
someone else in the part.

Well, why can't you
just cut the kiss out?

I mean, if it didn't hurt
my wedding ceremony,

it ain't gonna hurt your play.

I'm not going to change
the entire play

because of certain
people's values.

Well, um...

I guess if he's forced
to kiss somebody,

then I don't want him
to be in the stupid play.

Where should I put
my costume, Mrs. Sims?

Why don't you just put it
on the table, Gina?

Uh...that wouldn't be
the Gina, would it?

Why? You can't
tell them apart?

Oh, you thought that
that's why D.J.
didn't want to--

And then you thought I knew
and that I supported that.

I see a lot of this
around here.

It always starts
with the parents.

Dan...

we've got a problem.

Nothing that six more
of these won't cure.

You know that
Gina girl in the play

that D.J. doesn't
wanna kiss?

She's Black.

Oh.

Yeah, so we've gotta
make him kiss her.

Everybody will think
we're a bunch of racists.

D.J., get down here!
Well, slow down.

We don't know that's
why he won't kiss her.

I'm sure he's got
a very good reason.

I don't care
what his reason is.

Everybody'll think
it's 'cause she's Black

and then I will never
be able to buy sheets again.

Sit down; I wanna
ask you some questions.

Okay.

Your dad and I
were wondering how come

you don't wanna kiss
that girl in the play.

I don't know.

Well, is it because
you're just not ready

to kiss girls yet?

No.

Is she mean to you?

No.

Is she gross?

Does she pick her nose
and eat it?

Does she have bad breath?
Does she have a mustache?

Does she have a whole bunch
of extra arms or something?

Son, no matter what it is,
you can tell us.

Is it because she's Black?

It is, isn't it?

Well, you'll be mad
if I say "yes".

No, we won't.
Yes, we will.

I didn't raise you
to be some little bigot.

I just don't
wanna kiss her!

Hey, Black people
are just like us.

They're every bit
as good as us

and any people
who don't think so

is just a bunch
of banjo-pickin',

cousin-datin',
barefoot embarrassments

to respectable
white trash like us.

I don't care.
I'm not doing it.

Oh, yes, you are.

Honey, you're
overreacting.

D.J., if you don't
wanna kiss this girl,

your mom and I
won't force you to.

Hey, you're kissing that girl,
you're doing the play,

and that's all
there is to it.

Well, Dad said
I didn't have to

and Dad outranks you.

Are you new?

I'm not doing anything
until Dad says I have to.

Well, isn't that great, Dan?

Let's just make it easy
for our kid to be a bigot.

Why don't you calm down?

The subject is closed.

Kissing that girl
is not gonna hurt him

and that is exactly
what he's gonna do.

I think you're being
a little too hard on the kid.

He grew up in Lanford.
It's only five percent Black.

And kissing's
a new thing for D.J.

It's only natural that
he's not as comfortable

kissing a Black girl
as one of his own.

I did not say that.

Well, at least now I know
where he gets it.

I'm not a r*cist.

Yeah, neither
is your father!

He always says he has
no problem with the coloreds.

I'm not my father!

If I knew you was gonna
be passing down

your family's crap
to my kids,

I would not be having
another one with you!

Yeah, well,
D.J.'s got it easy!

I'm supposed
to kiss you tonight!

I hate White people.

So Roseanne says I'm a bigot.
Do you think I'm a bigot?

If I say "yes", you'll stop
doing the minstrel show.

Knock it off, Marvin.
I'm serious.

I mean,
she thinks that D.J.

could be getting r*cist
attitudes from me.

Dan, that's a pretty
gray area.

Personally,
I probably would've felt
the same way you did.

Well, that makes me
feel better.

You're not a bigot,
are you?

The kid's just scared.

I don't think
you should force him.

Hey, man, any of you guys
ever been with a Black woman?

[clears throat]
Well...

there was this one girl
in Atlantic City one time,

looked just like that nurse,
used to be on television,

you know, that Julia?

I mean this girl had legs
that went on--

Hey, Chuck!

[all greeting Chuck loudly]

Well.

So, go on.

Legs that go on
forever and...

She...was a very lovely woman
and we had a very nice time.

You're a wild man, Marvin.

So, what's with the extra
poker game this week?

Roseanne finally come
to her senses and leave you?

[chuckles]

Believe me,
if Roseanne left me,

you'd all be
a lot prettier

and the opening bet
would be two panties.

[laughing]

Well...

actually, Chuck,
me and the guys

was just talking
about something.

Hey, I should probably get
your opinion about this.

What?

Well, uh, D.J.'s
in this play at school

and he's supposed
to kiss this girl,

and he doesn't want to
because she's Black.

And...I didn't think he'd be
getting this stuff from me,

but where else could
he be getting it from?

He could be getting
that stuff from anywhere.

I mean, has he been
talking to Marvin?

All right.

No, I'm serious, Chuck.

I really want
your opinion on this.

Well, my opinion
is you should hold your cards

where Fred can't see 'em.

No, I mean, you know,
we don't know
he's prejudiced.

I mean,
the kid is young,

he hasn't had
much exposure
to other cultures.

Other cultures?

Why?

Is the Black girl
from China?

No, I just don't think
you should force a kid

to kiss someone that's--
I mean, you know,

you grow up
in a certain--
with other--

This is a very gray area.
Guys, help me out here.

Personally, I don't think
there could be a gray area

when it comes
to respecting
human beings.

Chuck, you understand
what I'm saying here?

Well...you're saying
that it's okay

that D.J. doesn't want
to kiss this girl
because she's Black?

No, I'm not--I'm not
saying that at all.

Oh, but that's what
you want me to say.

No!

I mean, unless you
really feel it.

Man, why do you care
how I feel

so much more
than everyone else?

Because I'm Black?

Well, yeah.

So if I feel okay,
all Black people

will feel okay
'cause we all the same?

I would never say that.
Oh, of course not!

Some of your best friends
are Black.

Yes, you're one
of my best friends.

That's why you're here.

Okay, then why
is Bob here?

D.J.'s gotta kiss
a dumb girl too?

No offense, Bob.
Hey!

Hey, hey, guys,
this is supposed to be fun.

Let's just play
the damn game.

Check.
The pot's light.

I'm wanna ante too.

Who wants to open?
Give me three.

Two.

Hey.

How's the comic book?

This one guy
just tore off

the other guy's arm
with his bare hands.

Let me see that.

Cool.

Listen, Deej, uh...

you know, sometimes
parents do certain things

or they act a certain way

and they don't realize
it's wrong

until they see
their kids doing it.

You understand?

Is this about peeing
behind the garage?

No, but stop doing it.
You're k*lling the tomatoes.

Uh, anyway, I think
somewhere along the way here,

I might have...

given you the wrong idea
about Black people.

And your mom was right.
I don't wanna kiss Gina!

Hey, tough.
You're doin' it.
I hate you!

Well, fine!
You don't have
to kiss me!

She just looks
real different.

It's only skin.

It's not just her skin.

She talks with
kind of an accent

and her hair's
kinda different

and her lips
are different.

Yeah, and, and...

you're probably
different heights.

You know?

And your hair's brown
and your friend Ralphy's
hair is that red.

My eyes are blue
and your mom's eyes

are whatever the hell
color they are.

What if it feels weird?

Look, son...

I can't let you
get out of this.

Because that
would be wrong.

But I'm afraid of what
the other kids will say.

Oh, the other kids.

Well, they're gonna be
extremely jealous.

Because you're a Conner.

[affecting French accent]
And Conner men are known as some
of the world's best kissers.

Okay, I'll do it.

Good.

You know, D.J.,
you're gonna kiss
a lot of girls

in your life
and they're all
gonna be different.

Well, do you think I should
even kiss Lila Matthews?

What's different about her?

Well, Ralph says
she uses her tongue.

I'd go for it.

Oh, wow, Roseanne,
we had a great night.

What's so great about it?

We had all them
people to wait on.

Well...

Why don't we
close up early,
you know?

'Cause it's only
minutes.

Yeah, sure.
What the hell.

We opened minutes late,
so it'll all balance out.

You know, I am really
very proud of Dan.

admitting that
he was kind of prejudice.

It just goes to show
you're never too old

to learn something new
about yourself.

[phone ringing]
Yeah, like,
just the other day

when I learned
I was married to a cr*cker.

Lunchbox.

Hi, Fred.

No, I think
that's a good idea.

Mm-hmm. Mom loves
to have company

when she has a pedicure.

Well, you two
have a good time.

Yes, I love you too.

Okay, bye.

Hope they file off a toe.

Are Harold and Maude
still seeing each other?

It's--it's weird.

Fred must see something
in Mom that we don't see.

But...maybe there
is some teeny, tiny

decent human part
buried deep...

very deep inside her.

Don't idealize
your mother, Jackie.

Maybe she acts
different around him.

Why else would he like her?

I don't know.

Maybe he sees her
and he thinks

of something good
from his childhood.

Like maybe one time
some screeching old harpy

saved his life or something.

[knocking at door]

Oh, my God,
another customer.

How many people
have to eat here

before word gets out
about the food?

Hello.

Hi.

Hi, would you
let me in, please?

Uh, we're closed.

Yeah, well it says here
you're open till : .

Yeah, but see, we had
a really busy day

and we ran out of food.

[bangs]
Uh-huh.

Whew.
[expels breath]

He's scary.

Sounded like it.

I did the right thing,
didn't I?

Well, you said
he was scary.
Yeah.

[banging loudly]

Hey, I think I should
tell you something.

I'm Mr. Williams,
Gina's father.

Oh, well, come on in.

I'm Roseanne Conner.

Why didn't you just say
that you were Gina's father?

You need to know
all your customer's names

before they come in
to your restaurant?

Hey, Mr. Williams,
you think that you know
what happened

but that wasn't
what happened.

No, she didn't do that
because you are...

African American.

She did that because
you're a man.

Yeah, and I'm prejudiced
against all men equally.

That's real funny.

Hey, we're women, you know?
And it's night.

This is, like,
a matter of safety.

And in situations
like that,

I just gotta go
with my gut instinct.

Well, I guess your kid
inherited your instincts.

What?

There's no way that
that's anything like this.

Fine.

Mr. Williams, come on,
I'm sure you didn't

come here to fight.

Well, just forget
about it anyway.

There's probably just no way
you're ever going to see

where I'm coming from.

You know, that's funny.

I was gonna say
the same thing to you.

Well, I think
he blew that
out of proportion.

I mean,
you invited him in.

You tried to make it
up to him.

You know,
if he was a White guy

with the exact same build
in those exact same clothes,

you would've done
the exact same thing.

Yeah, well, I'm glad
one of us is sure.

Well, now don't
beat yourself up
over it, Roseanne.

You know, anybody else
would've done

just what you did.

Well, isn't that great?

You know, dear...

you really should
get in the habit

of using a coaster,
even with this furniture.

Thank you, Mother.

Do we have to watch
this nature crap?

Oh, that's right.

You never liked
educational programs.

Good thing it didn't
affect your career.

Hey, Jackie,
you should see this.

In order to claim
the carcass
entirely for itself,

the vulture emits
these piercing cries,

sending all the other animals
running for their lives.

No, thanks.
I'm familiar
with the concept.

I'm going to bed.

That's a good idea.

You've been looking
extremely tired lately.

Perhaps some cucumbers
for your eyes.

I assume you at least keep
vegetables in the house.

Yes, Mother,
I keep them on the couch.

Good night, dear.

The coast is clear.

[deeper voice]
Ugh, thank God.

Pass me a brewksi.

I didn't think
I could keep up

that annoying voice
another minute.

Does anybody else
know the real you?

Now that wouldn't be
much fun, would it?

[opens beer can]

[belches]

Ah.

So, you want a coaster?

[laughing]