07x06 - Skeleton in the Closet

[bunniefuu]

So, fred and I were talking,
and we decided

This year for halloween
instead of candy,

We're gonna give out
carrot sticks.

Yeah, we're going
healthy, too.

We're giving out
filtered cigarettes.

Hey, rose.

Trick or treat,
honey.

No, she don't turn
tricks at work no more.

I'll get your lunches.

Well, if it's noon
and it's pounds,

It must be
the city garage boys.

Hello, fred.

Leon.

Your fries will be
out in a minute.

You know,
I don't know how
you eat like this

And still maintain that...

Body.

Ha ha...ha.

Just lucky, I guess.
Right, honey?

I'd have to say
she's the lucky one.

Well, remember, ladies,
we close at : tomorrow

So I can prepare for
my halloween soiree.

You might want
to use that time
to work on your costumes

Because this is
not going to be

One of your lame
little lodge parties.

Hey, our lodge parties
were not lame.

The cops had to come
every year.

Please, roseanne.

Everyone knows
that halloween
is our holiday.

I can't believe
the breeders

Are trying to take
back halloween.

Oh, please.

I was doing
halloween

Since before
there even were
any gay people.

Roseanne,
leon is the queen

Of halloween.

You wish.

I'm the queen
of halloween.

And I am not
about to give up
my crown

To any mary
come lately.

Well,
I certainly hope

That you can make
the party.

I don't think so,
I'm really not much
for parties,

And besides,
I have a thing.

Well, that's perfect.
They're looking
for guys with things.

Hey, don't worry,
big guy.

We don't bite.

Hard as it is not to
sometimes.

You know, leon,
I'm not coming
to the party.

If I did come,
I'd come with my wife

Who I sleep with,

And I have sex with.
Lots of sex.

The old-fashioned way.

So just give me
some space.

Yes, sir.

Ha. Methinks young fred
doth protest too much.

What's he mean?

Well, you know
what they say

About guys who whine
about gay men.

No, what do
they say?

The squeaky wheel
wants to get greased.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Ghosts, goblins,
and ghouls.

Spooky, spooky.

Mom, shouldn't you be home,
drinking alone?

Fyi, nancy's fixing me
a takeout,

And you're not
the only prankster
afoot this year.

I've cooked up
a little scheme
for each of my daughters,

So boogie, boogie,
boogie.

I hope you're not going to
fake your death again
this year,

God, that was such
a disappointment.

Why, roseanne, I see
you're already
getting into costume.

You got a big patch
of gray right there.

Oh, I get it. Yeah.
My hair's gray,

My refrigerator's running,

I have prince albert
in the can.

God, will it never cease
with you, mother?

Oh, piffle.

That gray hair certainly
isn't my work.

My little trick on you

Will put the "o"
in halloween.

Here you go, bev.
We ran out of napkins,

So I threw in a couple
of extra buns for you.

If I'm going to
eat all this,

I certainly
don't have room

For this can of
peanut brittle.

Jackie, you used to
be so fond of it--

Oh, hey! Mom...

And we got you your favorite
macadamia nuts.

Macadamia nuts.

They are, you know,
my absolute favorite.

Yummy, yummy, yum--

Oh, snakes! Ah!

Fine! You've ruined
an old woman's prank.

I hope you're happy.

Why must you torment me?

Why?

Well, mom's crying.

Halloween has
officially begun.

I can't believe you
let mom talk you

Into coming to
her old biddy salon.

Look at these women.

You know,they say
your hair keeps growing
after you die,

And apparently
it's true.

Hey, jackie!

Kyle!

Hi.
Hi.

Mwah. Mwah.

Good to see you,
girlfriend.

Good to see you.

Is that your
old boyfriend?

No, that's a buddy
of fred's.

I think they play
softball together.

Oh, really?
Was fred pitching
or catching?

You know,
leon is wrong.

Fred does not have a problem
with gay people.

He's been friends
with kyle for years.

Kyle:
doll, those streaks
are to die!

Well, maybe he
just didn't know
that he was gay.

Hi, I'm antonio.

How much color
are we talking
today?

Well, not a lot.
I just want to go back
to my natural color--

Hawaiian.

Boy, you really do
have a lot of gray
up there.

Our mother went gray
very suddenly.

Oh, really?

Well, yeah.
That was the day
she found my underwear

In the glove
compartment.

No, what I meant is
hair is hereditary
on the mother's side,

So whatever happened
to your mom

Is probably going
to happen to you.

Oh, great. I'm going
to find a buffalo head
nickel

And talk about it
for years.

Well, look at these.
I guess there's

Worse things
than going gray.

That looks just like
mom's hair.

Roseanne, that is
exactly like mom's hair.

Same exact color.
Same exact style.

Roseanne,
that is mom's hair!

Our mom wears a wig.
You think she's bald?

No way.

If she's bald,
that means that
we could go bald.

This is her hair.

Look--look at this.

[Imitating bev]
oh, roseanne!

A woman of your size
shouldn't wear
horizontal stripes.

You should wear black
or stay home.

And another thing, dear.
I don't mean to alarm you,

But I think your little
d.j. Might be Ret*rded.

Hey, mark, how come
everybody's talking

About leon's
halloween party

Like it's gonna be
so different?

What's the big deal?

Well, see, there are
going to be a lot people
there that are...

You know, sort of--uh...

D.j., Get out of here now.

Wait a minute.
Mark, that's terrible.

Why don't you just
tell him the truth?

'Cause I can't tell him
about that.

Any guy who's
comfortable with himself

Doesn't have a problem
talking about this.
D.j., Sit down.

What mark meant
to tell you

Is that leon's party
is gonna be different

'Cause theres
gonna be a lot
of gay people there.

Oh. What does gay mean?

[Clears throat]
uh...

Well, that's a fine
question, d.j.

Um, see,

Sometimes boys
have boyfriends,

And, uh,

Sometimes girls
have girlfriends,

And these people
are called gay.

Well, I have boys
who are friends.

What's the difference?

All right. Um...

See, uh,

Boys who have
boyfriends...

Do things with--
with their friends

That a boy who
has a friend

Who just happens
to be a boy

Would probably
never do.

I don't understand.

Yeah, me, neither.

See...

When two men love
each other,

They, uh,
like everybody else,

They like to share
each other's feelings

For one another...

Through...

Beautiful expressions
of, uh...

Physical love.

How do they
do that?

If a guy's comfortable
with himself,

He isn't afraid to talk
about this, you fruit.

Ok. Uh...

See...

One guy will, uh...

Uh, he and
the other guy...

They, uh...

See, what they do
is, uh...

Oh, god, I don't know
what they do!

Leave me alone, d.j.

That was great.
I thought he was going
to start crying.

Let's go down to the arcade.

We can listen to it
again on the way.

[Tape rewinding]

Dan: yeah,
how's it going?

Hey, how you doing?
Good to see you.

Yeah, how you doing,
bud?

Roseanne, I think
these guys are
checking me out.

No one can tell
we're a couple.

Our costumes should
have had a theme.

They do. I'm prince,
and you're the duke.

Excuse me, cowboy.

Diana ross just
winked at me.

Really?
It's a guy, dan.

That can't be a guy.
He's got breasts.

Really beautiful
breasts.

Well, sure, they're
beautiful now,

But just wait till he has
a couple of kids.

Hey, there's mom.

Look, I told you
that that hair
cannot be real.

Look at that.

Even william shatner
would make fun
of that piece.

Come on, roseanne.
It's the same hair
she's always had.

Well, that is precisely
my point.

I mean,
her face looks like
a dried-up old apple,

And she's got
the same hairdo
for years.

Go over there
and start talking to her
and distract her

So I can get in there
for a closer look.

Aw, don't make me
talk to her.

How about if I just
knock her unconscious,

And you rip
her hair off?

Yoo-hoo, roseanne!

Forget about going bald.

Worry about inheriting
that voice.

What do you think of
my hobo costume?

Well, I think
it's great, but, um,

You should let me
straighten up your hair
'cause it's kinda messy.

It's supposed to be messy.
I'm a vagabond.

I ride the rails
and live by my wits.

I know, but let me
straighten it
'cause it's tilted.

I do not need your help.

Well.

Well, your party
is in full swish.

Let's see.
All in purple,
let me guess.

You're either one of
the california raisins

Or barney.

And I know
who you are.

You're becky's
gym teacher.

No, I think you know
who I am. Hmm?

Many in washington feel
I have too much power,

And I control
the president. Hmm?

I always wear sensible
but feminine dresses.

J. Edgar hoover?

No.

I'm hillary rodham clinton.

Hoover would never
wear taupe.

He was an autumn.

* Happy birthday *

* Mr. President *

* Happy birthday *

* To you *

Mwah.
I love you, jack.

Who are you
supposed to be?

Let me give you
a hint.

Good-bye, norma jean.

Holy rented costumes,
batman.

It was the only way
I could get him to come.

He thinks
a superhero costume
makes him look macho.

Fred, stop hiding
behind the cape.

I don't want
these guys

Checking out
my utility belt.

Hey, fred.

Hey, how you doing?
Can we go now?

No! We're having fun.

How's it going,
fred?

Hey, dave.

Excuse me.

That's a great costume,
uh, dave, is it?

Uh-huh.

How long have you
known fred?

I used to know him
before he stopped

Coming to the bars
and everything.

Are you trying
to tell me that
fred is gay?

Honey, I can't believe
he's trying to be straight.

Ok, guys and gals,

You know what
time it is.

Oh, great. Are we going
to cane somebody?

No, it's limbo time.

Have you seen fred?

Um, no.

I, uh--
I have to find dan.

Dan: the old squad
had this crab-style,
it was just, bop!

Dan, dan, dan,
I gotta see you alone

In the kitchen
right now.

Ah, sure, little lady.
This cowpoke wouldn't mind

A little ride on the range.

Oh!

Dan, fred is gay.

What?

I was just talking to
this diana ross guy,

And he said that fred
used to be gay.

Fred? Fred's not gay.

Fred is gay, ok?
He's the gayest.

He's gay, gay,
gay, gay, gay.

I get it.

Old danny boy's not
falling for the old
fred-is-gay prank.

You did a lot better
when you got that doctor

To tell your mom
she only had
a week to live.

Dan, that is not my prank

Because this is my prank.

Wow, good prank,
roseanne.

Mrs. Conner,
can I get down now?
I can't feel my toes.

Shut up!

Now do you believe me?

First of all,
I don't believe you.

Second of all,
it's none of
your business.

Jackie has to know, dan.

I mean, you can go
stick your head
in the sand all you want,

But I would not do it
around fred if I was you.

Uh, hey, leon,
where's jackie and fred?

Uh, fred ran out, and
jackie ran after him.

I think
the caped crusader

Was afraid of
being unmasked.

Oh, leon,
put a sock in it.

Don't need to.

[Knocking]

Yeah?

What are you doing here?

Um, well, I heard
that you and fred
ran out of the party,

And so, I was just
kind of worried.

Are you guys ok?

Yeah. He went
straight to bed.

I don't--something upset
him at the party.

Well, I want to ask your
advice about something.

Um, at the party tonight,
you know?

There was this guy, you know?

And, um, i, um--

I found out
that he's really gay.

And, I mean, he's a nice guy,
see, but he's married.

And I don't think he's told
his wife the truth.

Oh, wow.

Yeah. So, do you think
I should tell her?

Well, I don't know.
That's a hard one.

No, I wouldn't.

Well, I would.
Fred is gay.

What are you
talking about?

Just a lot of guys
at the party,
they know fred,

Like you know him,
you know? I mean,
a different side of him.

That's ridiculous!

Please. There is no way
that fred could be gay.

I mean,
there are certain things

That a wife knows
about her husband.

Ok. Just think about it
for a minute, jackie.

Haven't you ever
noticed anything
a little odd about fred?

No. Like what?

Like when he came
back from chicago
with that haircut.

Fred likes to try
new things.

With his hair.
Only with his hair.

Well, you know,
he's only slept
with women

In his whole life,
right? So that leaves
a lot of free nights.

And you know that
he's always admired
your boyish figure.

That doesn't prove
anything, roseanne.

Didn't he take you
to see

that's entertainment,
part iii?

Oh, my god!

Go away. Go away!

Leave us alone.
We are as god made us.

Oh, ho, ho!

We're everywhere,
roseanne.

Ok, I propose a toast to
the all-time greatest prank

In the history
of the universe.

Roseanne, come on.
Come on back.

Think we went
too far?

I don't know.
Dan, you think we
should have worn pants?

Not now, fred.
We'll talk about it
in the shower.

Rosie!

Come on, don't be mad.
It was just a joke.

Great pictorial for
the employee newsletter.

Hey, dan,
if you're still gay,

I could go for a mimosa
and some eggs florentine.

I don't cook
for you.

I'm fred's bitch.

Admit it, roseanne.
We got you.

You were totally freaked.

You know,
the really amazing thing

Was not that dan was gay,

But that he would be
attracted to fred.

I have a bone to pick
with you, missy!

You know, mom,
no one writes
letters anymore.

And I think you're
just the person

To revive
that lost art.

I understand
that you went

To my beauty parlor
yesterday

And asked antonio
about my hair.

You went back there?

Oh, chill out, mom.
He didn't tell me anything.

You've got the only
hairdresser in town
that doesn't dish.

How could you do
something like that?

I mean, it's one thing
to embarrass me
in front of my family,

But in front of
my hairdresser?

I mean, don't you have
any decency? How dare you!

Well, mom,
it's no big deal.
I was just curious.

Do you really want to know

What's going on
under this hair?

You want the truth?

Well, yeah.

Fine.
Face your future, roseanne.

Aah!

[Crying]

Don't feel bad,
roseanne.

You won't be
bald alone.

I'm with you, too, sis.

Ah ha ha!

God, mom, I didn't know
that you had that in you.

Admit it, roseanne.

You're not
the cleverest trickster

In this family anymore.

Ha ha ha!

Well, I guess
you guys showed me

This halloween,
didn't you?

Bald people
in my kitchen.

I'm just so ashamed.

I have nothing
to top that with.

Oh. Except for...