07x01 - Nine Is Enough

[bunniefuu]

**

What did the doctor say?

Let's not talk
about it right now.

Oh, my God!
It's cancer!

You're years old
and you have cancer.

It's not... cancer.

It's just a little cyst
in my armpit.

It's-It's
like a big pimple.

You're , and
you have a pimple!

It's gonna
be all right.

I just have to rub cream on
it every day right after I-

...prepare the area.

Prepare the area how?
What are you gonna do?

You're not gonna start washin', are you?

I have to shave off all
the hair under my arms.

Oh, honey, it's your
very first Lady Shaver.

Pretty soon,
you'll start gettin'

monthly visits
from your friend.

Cut it out. Bad enough
I gotta shave

under my arms
like a woman.

Well, you know,
they say it is best

to live as a woman first
before you have the operation.

Cut it out!

I don't want you tellin'
anybody about this.

Some things are best left
between a husband and a wife.

Well, great. Which one
do you want to be?

Hey, kids! Dinner!

Isn't D.J. eating?

No. He's staying over
at a friend's house,

and I like him to be good and
hungry when he's gettin' free food.

Mom, Mark
is really sick.

When are we gonna get the
upstairs bathroom fixed

so he doesn't have to
come down here?

As soon as we finish the
guitar-shaped swimming pool.

Man, this thing
I got is the worst.

Feel like
I'm gonna die.

Wouldn't you just
be more comfortable

sitting on my plate?

Mom, I gotta start
school tomorrow,

and I really need my
rest. Is it all right

if Mark stays
on the couch tonight?

No! I don't want
anybody sick in there.

That couch smells
bad enough already.

Where's he gonna go?

Well, D.J.'s gone,

so we'll take David
out of his room

and put Mark in there, and
then move David to the couch.

Done.

Wait. What does
the couch smell like?

The family.

Where's dinner?
We're hungry.

Ours is on our plates,
but you told me

you were eatin' over at,
uh... that kid's house.

No, Mom, I told you yesterday.

Ralph is staying
over here.

Well, I'm sorry, Ralph,
but you can't stay here.

You'll have to
tell your parents

that Mr. Conner's
on a bender.

He can't do that!

His parents
are out of town!

And you promised I could
have friends sleep over.

Well, I didn't mean it. I
thought you were just bluffin'

when you said
you had a friend.

Mrs. Conner, Ralph and
D.J. can take the couch.

I'll just move down in
the basement with Darlene.

Oh, yeah, and why don't
you just bang on the ceiling

if you have trouble
unfastening her bra?

Cool. I thought she'd say no. She did.

Why don't we just stick
Mark in the basement,

and Darlene can sleep
with me?

Oh, forget it.
I can't sleep

with the sound of air
whistling through her head.

Mark's gotta go
somewhere,

and he can't
sleep with me.

Okay, let's try this
one more time.

Um, Ralph and D.J.
in the basement.

You on the couch.

And you boys can be
in D.J.'s room.

Wait. Why do I
get stuck with Mark?

I can't afford
to get sick.

God, everyone's so afraid
I'm gonna make 'em sick,

no one'll come near me?

I feel
like a leopard.

No. Mark.

I'm sorry. You didn't mean to get sick.

Everyone refusing to
get near you isn't fair.

You mean that?

Yeah, I do. I'll share a
room with you. I'm not afraid.

Wow. It's really touching
you'd say a thing like that.

It's really good
to have a brother.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Okay, honey,
turn off the light.

No! I wanna see.

Nothin' to see. Just
skin. Turn off the light.

Oh, come on, Dan,
a lot of guys

don't have hair
under their arms.

Like who?!

Well, like,
weightlifters

shave all theirs off
so their muscles show.

Oh, yeah?

'Course, they also
lift weights.

Well, I would, but with
the loss of my armpit hair

went my superstrength.

Oh, come on,
let me see.

What are you so embarrassed
about? You can always

just comb the hair
from your chest over.

Well, I learned
one new thing-

no aftershave
next time.

Well, you only had
one cyst.

Why did you shave
both of 'em?

Well... one arm
just seems so unbalanced.

Well, I think
it's kinda sexy.

Now I see why
you get so excited

when I shave my legs
every month.

Really?

Yeah.

Gee, I don't think
I've been this turned on

since you clipped
your nose hairs.

Oh, you know,
I shaved

a special spot
for you.

Ew, gross!

No, no, no.

Higher. Higher.

Oh! Dan, you have
two eyebrows again!

Want some razor burn?

No! All that skin
scares me.

Let's wait an hour

till it grows back.

my weakness-
animal noises.

Well, uh...
here I am-

David-in the only
working bathroom,

right next-door.

Great. Mark gave it
to David.

Now he's gonna be in there
pukin' all night.

Oh, yeah, say that again real slow.

I'm gettin' hot!

Well, thank goodness

I'm not sick
like Mark.

I'll just do my business
quickly and then skedaddle.

Cut it out. I cannot do
it with David in there.

This bed squeaks.

Let's do it
on the floor.

You know, Dan,
that always sounds

like a lot more fun
than it actually is.

Come on, baby, let's see if we
can make that floor squeak...

in China.

Hey!

You shoulda
locked the door!

It's broken.
Just hurry up, okay?

I gotta pee
worse than you.

How could you
possibly know that?

Hey, in one minute,
nobody's peein'!

Good work, baby.

Come on down here where
the cedar chest used to be.

It's still fluffy.

I can't do it with two
people in the next room.

Since when does
a crowd bother you?

We did it at the Grateful Dead concert.

That was nearly
two years ago, Dan.

I think we've grown
up a little since then.

Fine.
We gotta face it.

There's just too many
people in this house.

Now, we've done our job. We
deserve a little peace and quiet.

I want Mark and Becky
to move out.

Well, I want 'em to bring
back that show Card Sharks,

but it ain't gonna happen.

Look, Mark's
got a good job.

I know he's been
savin' his money.

I'm sure they can afford
a decent place to live.

Why? You're his boss, and you
never lived noplace decent.

It's time that they
moved out on their own.

They'll never leave unless we
push 'em. Now, you know I'm right.

Well, I just hate
to see 'em struggle.

Fair enough.
We won't visit 'em.

So? They're gone.

So?

So... wanna rub
the magic spot again?

I don't feel so good.

I think I got Mark's flu or somethin'.

Great.

Shaved my armpits
for nothin'.

Unless...

Cool.

Ohh! Ohh... ohh...

What? What is it?
Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.
I was on the baby.

No. Fred.
The baby's right here.

Oh. This is crazy.

With the baby in here,
I haven't had

one decent night's sleep
since he was born.

Fine. Well, we'll just put
him up for adoption, then,

because Lord knows
you need your sleep.

Hey, I got an idea.
You know that room

with all the purple
dinosaurs on the wall?

Why don't we put
the baby in there?

No. No, Fred.
I read somewhere

that sleeping together
bonds the family.

Yeah? Well, I read somewhere
people read too much.

Come here.
Come to Daddy.

Yeah.
You remember me?

Mommy let me hold you
in the delivery room.

What are you doing
with the baby?

Where are you taking him?

Where are you
taking the baby?

What are you
doing with him?

Where are you
taking the baby?

I put the baby
in his crib.

We can listen to him
on the baby monitor.

How could you
be so mean?

Listen to him.

Listen to him!

My God,
he's smothering!

Jackie. Jackie!

He's fine. Now, this is
your problem. It's not his.

I'm puttin'
my foot down.

The baby is no longer
sleeping in our bed.

Fine.

You don't want the baby in here,
you don't want me in here, either.

Jackie!

There, there,
baby, it's okay.

Someday, your real daddy
will come home from the sea.

Hi.
Hey.

Fred and I had
a huge fight this morning,

so I brought the baby over
here to teach Fred a lesson.

Jackie, don't
you know anything?

If you want to make the man
suffer, you stay, you don't leave.

So... can we sleep
here tonight?

Well...
not in the house,

but we are settin' up a little
shanty town on the sun porch.

Rosie!

Roseanne, please. I don't
have anywhere else to go!

We'll talk about it in a
minute. But I must warn you,

Dan doesn't allow
anyone to move in here

unless they're sleeping
with one of his daughters.

What do you want?!
I'm sick!

When do we get to kick
out Becky and Mark?

Huh? When? When? When?
When? When? When? When?

Well, did you clean
your room

and play nice
with the other mechanics?

All right,
go ahead.

Mark?

Becky?

Would you please come
down here for a moment?

* Ahh *

* I feel good *

* Doo-doo-doo
doo-doo-doo *

* Like I knew
that I would *

Hey, stop celebrating.
I'm gonna miss one of 'em.

Hey.

Hey. I'm sorry about makin'
you sick, Mrs. Conner.

Oh, that's not
your fault, Mark.

Becky never should've married you.

So. What
did you want?

Nothin', really. We
were... just wonderin'

whatever happened to
that plan you two had

to... find some other place to live.

It wasn't
really a plan.

It was more like
a long-range dream.

Well, congratulations, kids,

your dreams are about to come true!

Well, we were
kinda hopin' to wait

until we could afford
a two bedroom.

Why? You need someplace
to store your book?

Mom... Dad...

We're tryin'
to have a baby.

Do you really
mean it?

Mm-hmm.

Roseanne, we need
to discuss this in private

before it goes any further.

Yeah, just a sec. You
know you can stay here

as long
as you need to.

Roseanne,
this in no way

changes what
we talked about.

This changes
everything.

How? How does it
change everything?

Well, you used to be
right, and now you're wrong.

D.J., your mother and I
need to talk in private.

I can't leave. I'm
about to beat my record.

Leave, or
you're grounded!

I don't care!

We ground him
twice a week, Dan.

That's how
he got so good.

Come on.

I don't want to argue
in front of the kids.

Why? They've seen
you lose before.

Look, I want
Mark and Becky out,

but I don't want everybody
to think that I'm the jerk.

But, Dan,
you are the jerk.

You know, I'm so focused
on my artwork here

that I can't hear a thing
anyone's sayin', so...

Well, Dan wants Becky
and Mark to move out.

Come on.

Come on, Roseanne!

Damn. This kid
has got a strong jaw.

Where the hell can we talk in private?

Well, Dan, there's always
the cone of silence.

Now... they
can't move out

because Becky's
gonna have a baby

and she needs
her mother.

She's not even
pregnant yet.

Yeah, but
she will be.

Mark doesn't have
anything else to do.

He's already bored
with his hot wheels.

We've talked
about this, Roseanne.

We don't even have
a place to fight anymore.

Why is Jackie's
makeup bag in here?

Uh... oh, yeah.

Well... I was gonna
tell you about that,

you know, when
the time was right...

or... never.

Jackie's stayin'
here, too?!

Hey, look, we don't

want you guys to fight about us leaving.

We weren't fightin' about
that! We were fightin' about-

this towel!

It's a comb
cotton blend!

I make
a good livin'!

Can't we use a wool
towel once in a while?!

Ooh!

Hey, what's
goin' on?

Darlene, we're
tryin' to have

a private conversation. Do you mind?

Fine. I just came to
return your Lady Shaver.

My Lady Shaver?

That's ridiculous. What would
I be doin' with a woman's razor?

Well, Becky said it
was to shave your pits.

How the hell did you know about that?

Know
about what?

About Dad
shavin' his pits.

Would you stop
tellin' people that?

Yeah, 'cause
it's not true.

It's, uh, it isn't, is it, Dad?

Dad, how old
do I have to be

before I get to start
shaving my armpits?

You shave
your armpits?

Yes, I do!
For medical reasons!

Well, that's why
you shave the right one,

but tell 'em why
you shave the left.

This is exactly what
I was talkin' about.

After years, I deserve
a little damn privacy!

Excuse me. I was
just wonderin'

how long you're
all gonna be.

That's it!
I'm goin' to Fred's!

And you don't use
a guy's Lady Shaver

without askin' him.

Have to keep his head
at a -degree angle

so you can keep the blood
going to the brain.

Support his little bottom,
Becky, with the other hand.

No, with the other
ha- No. She-Okay.

Uh, stand-Just bounce him
up and down a little bit.

Just-Ni-Not real-
not-not real fast.

Just a little baby.
Not mixin' a martini.

Oh, you're squishing his leg
now. Okay, here we go, baby.

Ohh... back to Mommy. Okay,
Mommy's got you. It's okay.

You're all right.
How's your little leg?

He's okay.
All right.

Isn't it fun
to hold him?

Can I hold him?

No. He doesn't want
to be held right now.

But I'm not
sick anymore.

Well, good. Then why don't
you just take Becky upstairs

and do what we're
payin' you to do.

Has Dad
come back yet?

Oh, no. He's
sure he's right,

and when he gets like that, it takes him

even longer
to apologize.

I know it's real
tough on everybody.

We're really glad
you're letting us stay.

Well, Becky, you're young,
and you still need me.

Your father, however,
is years old,

and it's high time he
got outta this house.

Thanks, Mom.

Cleanup time.

What are you
doin' now?

You have to
keep turning him

so he has
a nice-shaped head.

Well, if his head
gets all misshapen,

you can always
sand it down.

No, don't-don't.

What's your problem?

Don't want your germs
getting on the baby.

Jackie,
kids get germs.

That's what they do.

They fall off their bike,
and they get all bruised,

and... they cut their
tongue lickin' a cactus.

Maybe
that's just D.J.

'Scuse me for trying
to protect my child.

Well, you're not
protecting your child.

You're overprotecting
your child,

and it's screwing up
your marriage.

I... had... him
in the bed!

Why are you
taking Fred's side?

I always take
the side of the one

that doesn't want
to squish the baby.

Right, yeah, like...
look, you never

had your kids sleep
in the bed with you.

Well, only
our oldest-Billy.

Baby needs me.

You know, Jackie,
your kids grow up,

and they just...
fly the nest,

and then all you got left
is your husband.

You must learn
to let go.

Well, my baby
is six months old.

What's your excuse?

What?

Look around.
Kids are all

still living here
at the house

with their husbands
and their boyfriends

and me. Wonder what
Dan thinks about that.

But, gee... I don't
see him anywhere!

Well, it's a wonder
you can see anything

over you kid's
big misshapen head!

Hear that, Fred?

What?

Nothin'.

Absolutely nothin'.

Boy, that's great.

Yeah, it's great how men can be
together and not have to talk.

I mean, women always feel the
need to be sayin' somethin'.

Fred, I can't hear
the nothin' anymore.

Sorry.

Maybe I oughta
move in here.

Oh, I don't know. I mean, two
mature men in one quaint house.

People will talk.

People hear you
say "quaint,"

and they'll talk.

Dan, you've been here
for a day and a half now.

Isn't it about time
you told me why?

I had to get out.

Man needs his space.

Man without space isn't
much of a man, is he?

A man needs room to stretch. Ohh!

I hear you.

Hi.

Boy, don't
you ever knock?

Fred, I came back
to apologize.

Really?

I'm really sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry, too.

I was being obsessed
about the baby.

No, I was
bein' insensitive.

I love you, Fred.

I love you, too.

Okay, Jackie.
Now go home.

I was just thinkin'
that he-

he doesn't have to be
in the same bed with us,

but can't he at least
be in the same room?

Of course he can be
in the room with us.

He should be with us
for a while.

Wimp!

Oh, and, Dan, um, about what
happened in the bathroom.

I'm really sorry
everybody found out-

No, Jackie. No, no, no.
You don't have to apologize.

I think I do.

No, Jackie.
You really don't.

Dan, I'm sorry that I
invaded your privacy,

and that's all...

I'm gonna say.

Ah. Well... thank you.
Thank you very much.

Very sensitive of you.

Just leave
you two guys alone.

Okay.

Jackie...
you're okay.

What?

Shaves his armpits.

Hi, honey.

Looks like I'm too
late. You've remarried.

Mmm, and you made some
of that French onion dip.

Still feelin' sick?

No. I feel better.

But before
I take you back,

we have to discuss this
Becky and Mark thing.

Look, I'm sorry I wanted
them out of here so bad.

It's just... I've wanted to
be alone with you for so long,

I guess I forgot we're gettin'
buried next to each other.

So you're okay with
them guys stayin' here?

Lookin' forward to it.

I kicked them out.

Praise the Lord! Mmhh!

It felt so good, I almost
kicked D.J. out, too.

I know it must've
been hard for you.

No, actually, it wasn't
hard at all, Dan.

Um, you know, I just
blamed it all on you.

That's what I'm here for.

But there is one thing, though. Um...

I gave 'em till May.

Why till May?

I'm not sick.

I'm pregnant.

You're pregnant!

Wow!

Dan, are you
comin' to bed?!

Pregnant.

Pregnant?

Dan, I'm worried.

Are you sure
you're okay with this?

Pregnant!

I mean, pregnant...

Okay, Dan.
We're headin' out

for the baby's first birthday party.

Are you sure you're
gonna be okay with this?

Pregnant?

How did that happen?