03x15 - Reel Men

[bunniefuu]

Well, this week on Tool
Time, it's "What's New?"

What's new with
you, Al? That lint?

No, that's always been there,
hasn't it? New shirt? New... No.

Well, Tim, what's new with
Binford is that they've just come up

with a brand-new
exterior wood filler.

It's a quick-drying latex
blend that will fill holes...

of any size. Hm.

Like this one back here? Tim.

We'll be using it today on
the door and wood frame.

That's right.

Just a little bit can
cover up scratches, nicks,

any hole you have in that door.

A little dab'll do ya.

That's a pretty hip reference,
Al... or is it Daddy-o?

How about a Hula-Hoop? Let's
get some bell-bottoms. Come on.

And we're also proud
to introduce to you this -

Binford's anodized
aluminum kick plate.

Kick plate? Hm.

Maybe something you should
install in the rear of your pants.

Very often in the humid days,
sometimes the door will wedge itself shut,

so you end up holding groceries
coming in, you start kicking it.

"Honey!"

Resulting in these
unsightly kick marks. Exactly.

But those are a memory now
because of the kick plate we've got.

(kick plate twangs)

Installed at the
bottom of the door now,

now you can kick till you're blue in
the foot and it won't damage the door.

Why don't you
give it a sh*t, Al?

OK.

Yeah, well.

You can give it a kick. Let's
show how much abuse it can have.

Honey!

Honey! Wilma!

What do you think? Could
we put the kids in the middle?

Good night, Klaus. Good night,
you guys. (kick plate twangs)

Night, Al. Hey, Tim.

Are you busy this weekend? Yeah.

Look, I really need a favor.

I'm thinking of
buying some property.

In my neighborhood?

No. No.

Good. See you.

But Marv wants to sell me
his place up at Saginaw Bay.

And I was hoping you could
come and take look at it with me.

Saginaw Bay? I've
got relatives up there.

They got real expensive
homes up there, Al. Well...

How many bedrooms does
Marv have? No bedrooms.

How many bathrooms? No baths.

Remind me not to
stand too close to Marv.

It's an ice-fishing
shanty. A shanty?

Yeah, you know, it's a house.
Sits right there on the lake,

and you can fish right
through a hole in the floor.

What kind of ice you
fishing for? Cubed, crushed?

Well, I...

I really would
value your opinion.

I can give it to you right
now. You wanna buy a shack

with no bedrooms, no baths,
that sits on a frozen lake.

Let me just type that in
the old real estate computer.

The answer's coming
up... Don't buy it.

Tim, I'd really like you
to look at it with me.

Besides, we can spend some time
together, talk a little, catch some fish...

But why are you asking
me? Why don't you ask Ilene?

Marv needs an
answer by this weekend,

and Ilene's gonna be
at your house Saturday.

What?

Yeah. Jill invited the gals
over to watch musicals.

"The gals over"?

Was that this
weekend she did that?

Yeah, yeah, and they're
gonna talk about their guys.

And they said something about
removing unnecessary body hair.

Ugh. (coughs)

What time you wanna
pick me up? How's : am?

You stop by at : am, I'll
remove your unnecessary body hair.

Ice fishing in January.
We are so jealous.

Dad, did you hear what
the weatherman said?

He said it's gonna
be seven below zero.

Thank you, Mr. Thermometer.

Yeah, and that's the high.

It's not gonna be that bad.
Marv's shanty is real custom.

He's got insulation, a heater, bunks,
shelves, the works. It's a real cool place.

You know, I'd better make room in the
freezer for all the fish Dad's gonna catch.

That should do it.

You guys gotta stop
teasing me. I'm starting

to get real upset. I
wish you'd stop it.

I don't care what you say. I'd
rather be ice fishing anytime

than be stuck here
with women and these.

Gigi.

Funny Girl. (fake laugh)

The King and I. Come on.

Dad, what's The King and I?

It's some film about Elvis.

(doorbell rings)

(Jill) I'll get it.
Hi, Al. Morning.

Ilene! How come
you're here so early? Hi.

I just wanted to drop Al off so I could
see him until the last possible second.

That's so sweet.

You want some coffee? Thanks.

Nice hat. Did you
drive or fly over?

I'm really excited about our
girls-only party. Can I bring anything?

How about some men?

You want some
cream? Yes, please.

Well, I know it's just one day,

but I hope you won't
forget The Al Man.

I'll be thinking of
you the whole time.

And I wanna know everything that
happens while you're up there, OK?

I certainly hope you
won't forget The Tim Man.

I'll keep the oilcan ready.

Have a good time. See
you later. Guys, group hug.

Oh, man.

Dad, we're too old for this.

You're too old for a group hug?

It's back to
individual ones, then.

(Tim) Structurally, the thing
looks real sound, Al. (Al) Yeah.

Oh, this is great!

This is Marv's
idea of a vacation?

Remind me not to
use his travel agent.

I think this is paradise on ice.

Well, why don't you go unpack

and I'll putter around
here in the living room?

Aw, come on, Tim.
Before you put it down,

I think maybe you
should just relax

and enjoy the whole
ice-fishing experience.

You're right, Al. I'll
unpack my fishing gear,

Hot Rod magazines,

radio,

and my little personal TV.

You brought a TV? You betcha.

Maybe we could
watch Gilligan's Island,

see how seven people feel about
being stranded in the middle of nowhere.

Aw, come on, Tim.

Oh-ho, and I brought
something for you.

Yeah? What's that?

Binford's new Guy
on the Go toiletries.

Hand cleaner. It'll
get off any smell.

Smells like sawdust.

I like it.

All right! Well, ha-ha!

I don't know about
you, but I'm ready to fish.

How about it?

Oh, boy. Looks like
we're frozen over here.

We'll come back this
summer. Aw, come on, Tim.

Why don't you chisel a
hole and I'll bait the hooks?

I could use a crowbar. You got a
crowbar. I got a chisel right here.

All right. Small hole, huh?

Uh-huh, yeah,
that ought to do us.

Oh, boy.

Were you real
attached to that chisel?

Tim, that... that chisel's been
in my family for generations!

That was handed down to me by
my great-grandfather Hal Borland.

Well, it's not like it was new.

(Marie) How long we gotta keep
this stuff on? Oh, just another minute.

That was such a good
movie. I'm rewinding.

I love Gigi.

Why can't life be like that?
You're always in France,

you drink champagne
and you sing.

My life is a lot like Gigi's.
Except I live in Detroit,

drink diet soda and
my husband grunts.

What do you wanna
watch next? Oh, wait!

I brought The Long, Hot
Summer with Paul Newman.

I love Paul Newman. Me too.

Doesn't Paul Newman
remind you of Al?

(timer rings) We're
bleached. Let's go!

Oh, that's good. It stings.

Well, Ilene, I'm glad to
hear that romance isn't dead.

I remember when my
husband was romantic.

Everyday when Joe came
home from the slaughterhouse,

he'd bring me a
heart-shaped hamburger patty

Really?

Tim is at his most romantic
during the dollar-day sale at Sears.

All I gotta do is wear a negligee
and hold up a tool catalog.

I can't imagine Al ever
losing his flair for romance.

That's because you're
still at the stage where

he's serenading you
with violins at dinner.

In six months, the only
serenading you're gonna hear

is his burping on the
way to the bathroom.

Yeah, and once inside, there's a
serenade you really don't wanna hear.

(static)

The reception's
terrible in here.

I can't tell whether Gilligan
got 'em off the island

or the Pistons
are about to score.

Someone's driving
the lane. Go, go!

It's Thurston Howell. "Lovey,
I just slammed the ball, Lovey.

Come here and give me a
big smackeroonie, Lovey."

Come on, Tim.
We're here to fish.

Don't tell me. Tell the fish.

We've been here four
hours without a bite.

You know, there's a lot more
to fishing than just catching fish.

It's about being out
in the wilderness,

getting away from
our women and our job,

just men spending time together.

Al, we spend all day together.

Yeah, but we never get
a chance to talk that often.

You wanna talk? Let's talk.

I'll turn the sound down.

You're not gonna turn it off?

No, I can watch this and listen
to you. I do it with Jill all the time.

Well, you know, there's... an awful
lot going on in my life right now.

What?

Aw... Well, never
mind. Let's just fish.

All right, halftime. Hey,
why don't we just fish?

Hold this.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna speed up the process
a little bit, make the hole bigger.

Tim, leave the floor alone.

The hole is fine. It's
a standard-size hole.

Standard-schmandard. You
increase the size of the hole,

you double your
chances of catching fish.

Perch are not that big.

Look, open the hole,

we might get bigger fish.

I don't think you
should do this, Tim.

Trust me, Al. Oh, my God!

Tim! Tim!

Tim!

Oh, Tim!

Jeez! You know, though,
once you get in there,

it's kind of exhilarating.

There. Are you
warmer now? Thanks.

I can't believe you came up
here without a change of clothes.

Well, I didn't intend on
falling through the ice, Al.

Everybody knows that when
you come on a trip like this,

you have to plan for
every possible contingency.

And with you, every
contingency is possible.

Well, this contingency
is your fault.

Fine. Just lucky that I
brought an extra set of clothes.

Oh, yeah. Real lucky.

What is this?
"One size fits Al"?

Just... here, give me
the keys to the car.

I'll take this stuff and get
the car warmed up. Gladly.

You know, Tim, I was
hoping that this trip

we could relax and talk
on a more personal level.

How much more personal can we
get? I'm wearing your underwear.

What I meant was talk
about our hopes, our fears...

You didn't lose the
car keys, did you?

I hope I didn't,

but I fear I did.

Do you wanna go in?
I've already been in.

Yeow!

I thought you said waxing your
legs didn't hurt that much. Ow!

Oh, it gets easier every
time you do it. (grunts)

Marie, you're dipping
the bread in the hot wax!

This is the fondue.

That's all right. I'll take it
home to Joe. He'll eat anything.

So, you're on a desert island.

You can be with one
man for the rest of your life.

Who do you pick?

Al.

You can't pick somebody
you know. This is a fantasy.

Come on, Ilene. Live a little.

All right.

There is somebody I have
always had a little thing for,

one of the sexiest men of
all time - Pierre Fouchard.

Ooh, that sounds hot.

Is he some kind of
French actor or something?

No. He was the father
of modern dentistry.

That would've been
my second guess.

He has a beard
just like Al's. Ow!

You like beards, huh? Mm-hm.

Me, I'm a tush girl.

Did you ever see the
buns on Baryshnikov?

Very nice buns.

But I like a man
who makes me laugh.

I think that the perfect
man is Harpo Marx.

No, he's hilarious and
he never says a word.

Aah! Ow!

Well, there's, uh,
no sign of Wilson,

but it's so dark out
there, how could you tell?

Tim, what are you doing?

I'm using my know-how to
double the heat out of this thing.

Would that be the same know-how
you used to double the size of the hole?

This'll be great.
Marv will love it.

I wish you wouldn't fiddle
with these things. Ah...

(Wilson) Hi-ho,
stranded neighbors.

Come on in, Wilson. Hey, Wilson.

Oh, thanks for driving up. Mm-hm. All
right, Tim, here's your extra set of keys.

Thanks. Here's an
old pair of my shoes.

All right.

Where did you get these fish?

Well, when I was
looking for your shanty,

I found some very nice people
whose cooler was overflowing.

You know, they say the fishing's
the best it's been up here in years.

I do not understand why
we have not caught any fish.

What is that rather
pungent aroma?

Oh, it's Tim's hand
cleaner over there.

Tim, I think I can explain to you
why you didn't catch anything.

You know, it's a well-known fact

that fish are attracted
to bait by the scent.

However, if the bait is overridden
with a more powerful smell

such as cologne or hand
cleaner that smells like... Sawdust?

Then instead, the
fish are repelled.

Nice going, Tim.

You said you liked
the smell of that.

Well, I'm not a fish!

Well, I think I'll just... go
pack the gear up in the car

and, uh...

Oh, well, here.

We don't wanna
forget your precious TV.

Maybe you'll get better
reception on the way home.

Trouble on the ice, Tim?
Yeah, the husky's misbehaving.

Well, that's too bad.

A trip like this ought to
be a good opportunity

for men to spend
some time together,

talk, share some laughs.

That's all he wanted
to do was talk.

Oh, what did you talk about?

I don't know. I wasn't
listening to him.

Well, it doesn't sound like
you were being very receptive.

What kind of guy
wants to be outdoors

and listen to another man
talk about what's bugging him?

Like you and I do
in the backyard?

(grunts)

You see, Tim, friendship
is a symbiotic relationship.

Two people have
to contribute equally.

Yeah, but it's different
with you and me.

Well, why is it different?

There's a fence.

Well, fence or no fence,

I think Al just
wanted you to listen.

Thanks again, Wilson,
for coming all the way up.

We'll meet you at your
car. We'll all caravan home.

OK, yes, indeed.

Have you got everything? Almost.

You know, a little while ago

you were talking about how
your life's become real full.

What were you talking about?

Tim, I don't wanna
talk about it now.

Oh, come on.

Good friendships are Kumbayatic.

You wanna sing camp songs?

I was just wondering... how
long you been dating Ilene now?

It's gotta be five
months, right?

Well, actually, it's four
months and days.

Yeah, actually, you know...
Well, with you and Jill,

how long was it before you
realized she was the one?

When she told me.

(Al) You turned off
the heater, right?

What do you
think I am, an idiot?

Hi. Hi.

How was your trip? Good.

How was your hair-removal party?

Well, you be the judge.

(grunts)

You missed a little
patch right here. I did not.

So, all your fish are in here?

Actually, I had Al keep
'em in his refrigerator.

You didn't catch any, did you?

Not even when I fell in.

You fell in? Are you
all right? Yeah, I'm fine.

Well, what happened?
Tell me all about it.

I don't wanna talk about it.

I spent the last two-and-a-half
hours driving with Al,

talking with him about
everything - boyhood memories,

his relationship with Ilene,
even why he wears flannel.

Why does he wear flannel?

It's kind of a
neat story, really.

When his dad had his workshop
behind the house, it was very cold.

When Al was a little kid
he came out and worked

and his dad put these
flannel shirts on him.

I think that's nice that
you two shared so much.

Did you help him decide whether
he should buy Marv's shanty?

Yeah.

What did he decide?

What did he decide? He, um...

Uh...

He figured that
since it b*rned down,

it wasn't a good time to buy it.

Did you burn down Marv's shanty?

What is it with you? I
walk through the door,

you immediately accuse me of
burning it down. Why? Why? Why?

Tim...

Right to the ground. Right...

Ashes. Oh, no.

I'm sure he's got an insurance policy
that covers a shanty clause in there.

Tim, there is no such
thing as Shanty Clause.

Well, it'll be all right.
Marv and I go way back.

He'll understand.

Oh, boy!

This fondue'll put
hair on your chest.

No, Tim.

This fondue will take the
hair right off your chest.

What is this?

"One size..." (laughs)