10x09 - Knee Deep

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

Roseanne: Dan?

Dan!
My knee went out.

I sat down,
and I can't get up.

Fire!

Mom, are you okay?

No, I'm stuck
on the toilet!

Yo, Top g*n, wake up.
Charlie's in trouble.

Mom's yelling "fire"
in the bathroom,

and I'm not going in.

Oh.

Dan!

Hello, buttercup.

May I be of service?

Just give a good yank.

[ Grunting ]
Upsy-daisy.
[ Groans ]

[ Groans ]

Did you make the appointment
for your knee surgery yet?

You know
how doctors are, Dan.

They say they can see you
in a month,

and then
when you tell them

you can't stand the pain
any longer,

they say,
"We'll see you in a month."

Quit stalling.

[ Scoffs ]
We don't have the money, Dan.

And a surgeon is not gonna
give it his best shot

when you're paying him with
a coffee can full of nickels.

I'm on it.

I'm gonna get
the next drywall job,

no matter how low
I have to bid.

I wouldn't start
the negotiations like that.

I'm gonna cut costs by doing
what everybody else is doing.

Don't tell me
you're gonna hire illegals.

Hey!

I'm also gonna use
substandard materials.

You know, if the union finds out
you're hiring those guys,

they're gonna kick you out.

That's a risk
I'm gonna have to take.

I'm not gonna stand by
and watch you suffer anymore,

and I'm not gonna let
you go back to taking
too many pain pills.

Well, I don't want you
to sacrifice

anything for me, Dan,

'cause that would give you
the upper hand,

and that's not how
this marriage was built.

♪♪

[ Dan and Roseanne laughing ]

"Roseanne" is taped
in front of a live audience.

Oh, thanks, honey.
Mm-hmm.

You know, I didn't
think I'd get used
to eating heart-smart,

but this turkey bacon
isn't bad.

You know what would
make it taste better?

If you fed it to a big ol' pig
and then ate him.

Hey, morning, Conners!

I brought doughnuts.

Ooh!
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

Finally, a man bringing me
something I really want.

[ Chuckles ]

Do you need
another wife?

Uh, let's see --

that's another birthday
to remember.

I'll ask Anne-Marie,
yeah.

She'll be fine with it.

We already decided
when you guys die,

we're gonna be
old-lady lesbians

that go on bus trips
together.

[ Chuckles ]

Bus trips?

We left you nothin'!

[ Chuck and Dan laugh ]

Hey, Chuck...
Huh?

...didn't your uncle have
hip surgery a while back?

How'd he afford that?

County Hospital.

Well, he actually
had both hips done

because they did
the wrong one first.

He should've gone
to Mexico.

They charge, like,
half of what they charge here.

I've heard that.

Yeah.

Oh!

Here's a doctor
in Juarez

who only charges a grand
for a new knee,

and he'll throw in
moving your nipples for free.

Do I have to?

What if I like my nipples
where they are?

Doesn't say.

Okay, I'm taking the rest of
these down to the union office.

Okay, did you put in our bid
on that new condo project yet?

I'm working on it.

So, you're really gonna hire
those other guys

instead of Chuck?
[ Sighs ]

He's been your best friend
for years.

Thanks for the reminder.

Jackie: Soccer star
coming through!

Hey. How'd you do?

They put me in
for one play,

and I accidentally scored a goal
for the other team.

The winning goal.

Man, Jackie, Dan is still
talking about going non-union.

You know, he's gonna lose
everything he's built.

I got to find another way
to pay for this knee.

You have anything
you could sell?

We should go through all
those old boxes in the basement,

you know, and see if there's
anything of value in them.

"We"? You always think
that I have nothing to do,

that I'm free to help you
whenever you want.

Yeah, I'm sorry.
That was rude.

Are you available?

Yes, I am.

But if you'd asked me
two weeks from Thursday,

I wouldn't be.

Unless it was
the afternoon.

♪♪

[ Door opens, rain pouring ]

Wake up, Morticia!

[ Sighs ]
Leave me alone.

I didn't get off work
until : .

Mom said you weren't making
a lot of tips,

so I brought you something
that could help.

It's called
the "waitress's best friend."

Oh, man,
this is perfect.

[ Sighs ]

It's a push-up bra.

It'll make you look
anatomically correct.

When do men ever have to do
anything like this

to earn a living?

You know, your attitude
is part of your problem.

When you see a customer,
how do you greet them?

I say,
"What do you want?"

That's what you say
when a bum touches you.

Look, the kind of guys
you're waiting on

are very simple creatures.

All you got to do

is tell them you like
something about them.

Like, when a guy orders,
say, "That's what I drink."

Look, I really appreciate
you trying to help,

but we're
very different people.

I'm kind of an introvert,
and, um...

I want to get
the words right here --

you're
an alcoholic tramp.

Why do we
have to be hurtful?

All I'm trying to say is
you're not an appealing person.

You will have to flirt --

and probably a lot --

to take care
of your kids.

I didn't even flirt
to have my kids.

I just said,
"What do you want?"

♪♪

Hey, look at this.

I found Nana Mary's
favorite hat.

[ Laughs ]

Look at that.

Talk about passing
down something that
everybody can use.

[ Both laugh ]

Oh, Jackie, look!

I found Magdalena.

[ Gasps ]

Oh, my God.

You know how many years
it took me

to get over Mom treating
that evil, glassy-eyed demon

better than us?

Yeah, you sound like
you're over it.

Yeah. Oh, she wouldn't let us
play with it,

wouldn't let us touch it.

"Oh,
don't touch her hair."

I'm gonna brush her hair
right now.

No! Don't!

Don't do anything
to her

'til we find out
if she's worth any money.

Mom said
she was a Kestner.

"This is my Kestner.
Isn't my Kestner precious?"

No, she isn't!

Oh, my God, Roseanne!

She's worth $ , .

Oh, wow.

Mom's right --
she is worth more

than both of us
put together.

Yeah, but that's not
what you whisper to your kids

when you're
tucking them in.

I think
we should take her down

and try to sell her
at that antique mall.

This little nightmare
might pay for my knee.

Roseanne, it's a diary.

[ Gasps ]
This must be Mom's.

Eugh.

"Dear Diary,
today my wonderful mommy

brushed my hair
with my special brush."

This is
Magdalena's diary!

Ohhh!

Hey, do you know
if it's still raining out?

I don't know. I'm stuck in this
windowless prison, like you.

Oh, wait, um...

I like...

something about you.

I'll -- I'll have it
when I get back.

Before you go,
I'll have a sloe gin fizz.

Oh. Yeah,
that's a great order.

That's exactly
what I drink.

Been drinking it
since I was a kid.

Hey, don't run away.

We've been trying to get
one of you girls all night.

What can I get you?

Uh, six sh*ts of Jameson,
Coors Lights.

Oh, great order.
That's exactly what I drink.

Well, bring an extra one
for you.

And, uh, how about a kiss
for good luck?

I'm not gonna kiss you.

...'cause it'd be
too darn hard to stop!

[ Clicks tongue ]

[ Sighs ]

Can I borrow
a clean bar rag?

[ Muffled screaming ]

Dean:
You know, Kestners

are amongst the most highly
sought-after dolls of the ' s.

And it looks like,
from the condition,

she's been cared for
by someone

who had no children
of her own to love.

Oh, yeah, she was barren
and died alone.

Ooh. Oh, no.

Unfortunately, it looks like
she's been repaired.

Ah! This is not
this doll's original body.

[ Groans ] So I would say
that she's worth...

$ .

A disappointment
to the end!

Can't you just strip her
for spare parts?

This is not just a doll.
It's part Kestner.

It's a treasure,
family member,

companion
to a lonely boy

who's afraid to get hit
by the football.

Well, what about bucks
just for the head?

'Cause, I mean,
this is real human hair.

You know,
you could use it

to build a friend
in your basement.

Well...

[ Cellphone ringing ]

Oh. Excuse me.

Hi, Dan.

Where you at?

At the end of my rope.
Where are you?

You better come home quick,
honey. We're flooding.

Ah, crap.

Okay,
we're on our way.

Hey, did you grab
the kids' photos

and their
birth certificates?

[ Scoffs ]
Of course I did!

♪♪

Whoa!

Looks like
you got a leak somewhere.

Leak? I think this basement
holds the water pretty good.

Well, you know
I'd help you out,

but you probably found
someone cheaper.

This is a bad time,
Chuck.

How about
we talk later?

I just ran into one of the
Gonzalez brothers at Home Depot,

and he said you're using
his guys on the condo job?

Is that true?

I was gonna tell you.

When?
After you finished the job?

Of course not.

Look, I just
can't afford you guys.

"Y-You guys"?

Ohhh.
T-That's what happened.

And I thought the whole time
that we were friends.

Turns out
I was just one of the guys.

I don't have
a choice, man.

I got responsibilities.

Yeah, right.

And I'm still
working construction

because I like the way I look
in the hat.

[ Sighs ]

What do you want me
to do?

I got three extra mouths to feed
since Darlene moved back in.

Roseanne started
popping pills

because we didn't have the money
to fix her knee.

And now I got
grand of water damage.

[ Water sloshing ]

I've spent my whole life
hanging on by my fingertips,

telling everybody
not to worry,

that I was gonna make it okay
because that's my job.

Well, now I can't
promise that anymore.

So, yeah...
it makes me sick.

But I'm gonna do
whatever I have to do

to take care
of my family,

because I'm old,
I'm tired,

and I'm not sure
how much longer I can hold on.

Well, I'm old, too.

And I'm tired.

And now I'm unemployed.

I always told you --
If I'm eating, you're eating.

I'm not eating.

Holy crap!

Hey, Chuck.

[ Water sloshes ]

Bye, Rosie.

How bad is it?

Well, that depends.

You didn't pick up
any flood insurance

while you were out,
did you?

[ Sighs ]

All this water's
gonna affect the foundation.

Is there anything
I can do to help?

Yeah.

Take this.

It's not heavy enough
to hold me underwater.

[ Sighs heavily ]

Look, everything's
gonna be fine.

Go on back upstairs
and entertain the troops.

Business as usual.

Got it.

[ Clears throat ]

Well, Dan, lookit --

after years,
we finally got a pool.

[ Chuckling ] Yep.

[ Grunts ]

[ Creaking ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Panting ]

[ Clank ]

♪♪

You guys have like a million
boxes of Halloween stuff.

Yeah, we were a lot of fun
before you got here.

I mean, Aunt Jackie, back me up.
This is a little crazy, right?

[ As Dracula ]
Perhaps it's a little extreme.

[ Laughs evilly ]

These costumes
are so lame.

I can't believe anybody would
ever be scared by them.

Hey, watch your mouth.

We were famous for that stuff
in these parts.

Ow!
Are you okay?

[ Groaning ]

Oh, my God.

[ Straining ]
Ohh. I think it's my heart.

Somebody call !

[ Groaning loudly ]
Oh, my God!

[ Groaning continues ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Laughter ]

I hate you!

Each and every
single one of you!

Don't say that.

It only
makes them stronger.

Alright, what we need here
is a little prestidigitation.

[ Gasps ]
Okay,
ladies and gentlemen,

prepare for the return
of D.J. Magic D.J...

...who will amaze you with
his feats of magic and mystery.

Open the door. Maybe the storm
will suck us out.

I want to be your assistant,
like in the old days.

No. I need to pick somebody
at random from the audience.

You!
You'll do fine.
Me?!

Yes, come on up here...
and hold

"Blackstone's Ancient Book
of Sorcery for Kids."
Uh-huh.

Open it
to "Ancient Mystical Trick # ."

Three ordinary cups.

These balls
are completely solid.

And now,
ladies and gentlemen,

"conceal the foam ball
in hand."

I will place the --

Damn it!
Aw.

Ta-da!

Yay!
Yay!

Hey, the president's
holding a press conference.

The governor's trying
to get him to declare
a state of emergency.

Oh, wow.
Look at this.

Half the state
is underwater.

They took
all these senior citizens

from one
of those old folks' homes

and put them
on the roof of the building.

That's great news.

But it's also kind of sad,
in a way.

No, no,
it's terribly sad.

But if they declare
a state of emergency,

FEMA will give us some money
to repair the basement.

I can do it
for half of what they give us

and use the rest
for Rose's knee.

Hoo!

[ Chanting ]
State of emergency!

All: [ Chanting ]
State of emergency!

This is awful!

You have young children rooting
for other people's misery.

He just declared it!

State of emergency!

[ Cheering ]

Oh. Oh, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

The president spelled "Illinois"
wrong in his tweet,

but it still counts,
right?

Yay!
Yay!

♪♪

Hey, that's really funny.
Oh, God!

Harris, you scared the crap
out of me.

What are you writing?
Looks really good.

[ Sighs ]

It's, uh, about
a brilliant, young novelist

who works at a casino
for research,

pretending
it's a real job.

You know, I'm really glad
that you're writing again.

It's inspiring.

Oh.

That means a lot to me,
but, you know,

let's manage expectations.

Who knows?
Nothing may come of this.

No, you got to believe
in yourself, Mom!

I mean, Stephen King
was a janitor,

and J.K. Rowling
was a single mother
living on welfare.

They were losers,
just like you.

[ Chuckles ]

That's sweet.

Good night, Harris.

If you're gonna be
writing at night,

everyone at my school
has Adderall, if you want some.

Good night, Harris!

Oh, and in case
you're wondering,

I am not taking
any Adderall.

I know.
I've seen your grades.

♪♪

A little more
sparkling cider, my dear?

Don't mind if I do.

How come you've never taken me
to this restaurant before?

Oh, well,
it's very exclusive.

It's received
three Michelin tires.

[ Laughs ]

Here's to crap
finally going our way.

Dink!

Yeah.

Darlene's got a job,
Becky still has a job,

D.A.'s raising a great kid,
and mom's over the VD.

Eh!

Ehhhhh!

Ehhh!
Oh. Sorry. I know.

Not while you're eating.

And plus, that flood
did so much damage in Lanford,

there's plenty of work
for everybody --

legal and illegal.

[ Clunk ]
Phew.

[ Sighs ]

Did you work things out
with Chuck?

He told me he'd only work
with me as an equal partner

with three weeks'
paid vacation.
What did you say?

I told him he was grindin' me --
no way in hell.

So you're partners now?

Soon as he gets back
from vacation.

I'm kinda scared
about the surgery, Dan.

Oh, come on.
It's a good hospital.

Your doctor's
won every lawsuit.

I know, but I just
don't want to die.

I don't want to go anywhere
without you.

Who's gonna fix the Pearly Gates
if I back into 'em?

You don't need me.
You'll be running the joint.

God'll be hiding in the garage,
fixing motorcycles.

I'm serious, Dan.

You've been taking care of me
almost my whole life.

I don't want to go anywhere
without you.

Oh, come on.

The odds are,
I'll go first anyway.

And if I do,
I want you to promise me

that you'll do
whatever you can

to fulfill
the rest of your life.

Even if it means
finding love and companionship

with another man.

Will you do that?

You just want me to say yes
so you have permission

to go find somebody else
when I'm in the ground.

Hell no!

I want you to die
alone and miserable.

Whatever Mother wants.

♪♪

You know, Lord, they're gonna
put me under tomorrow

for surgery, and, uh...

I hope I see my husband's face
when I wake up and not yours.

No offense.

Darlene: Hey, Mom,
come in here for a second!

Oh, yeah,
and could you find her a man?

I wouldn't ask,
but she's not easy.

[ Chuckles ]

Surprise!
Surprise!

Hey!
What is this?

All your favorites --
ham and cakes.

Tuna casserole.

I'm having surgery
tomorrow.

I can't eat nothin'
past : p.m.

And right now,
it is : .

Whoo!

You guys are the best.

What did I do
to deserve this?

: .

Okay, move,
everybody!

Hey, hit me up
with that ham.

No, wait, that's gonna take
too much time to chew.

Gimme the casserole.

Come on!

[ Laughter ]

♪♪