04x24 - Don't Make Me Over

[bunniefuu]

Hey.

Hey.

I got the milk
you needed.

What do I owe you?

Forget it.

No. You bought me juice
and bread yesterday.

I May be losing my job,

But I can still afford
a carton of milk.

What do I owe you?

O.k.,
it's $ . .

O.k., let's see...

...

...

...

I'll give you the rest
when I do the laundry.

Wonderful.

So did you find
something for mom
for mother's day?

No.

Why don't we send
her some perfume?

She'll think we don't
like the way she smells.

I don't like
the way she smells.

How about flowers?

Why don't you just say
her house stinks, too?

How about candy?

No! We gave her candy
two years ago, remember?

"Thanks for
the candy, girls.

"I could have
swallowed my filling,

But luckily it stuck
right in the caramel."

How about
a Crystal vase?

Can't afford that.

Hey, what about
if we break a glass

And put it in a box
Marked "fragile"?

No. Oh, I know!

Let's get her
something

That makes her feel
really young.

What, like a wagon?

You're not helping.

Hey...

I think I found my mother's day
present from the kids.

You're going
to open it?

It's two days away!

Well, I need time
to practice pretending
like I like it.

Oh, man, I should have
opened it a week ago.

Didn't they give you
slippers last year?

Yeah.

These are them!
I Forgot to return them.

Boy, these are ugly.

Mom will love them!

[Telephone rings]

Becky's teen town!

If you're calling
to chat about boys,
press one now.

Mother...

Hi.

Yeah? When?

Oh, great!

Yes! O.k.
O.k., cool.

Bye.

Dana did it!

She got
the concert tickets
for next saturday!

Awesome!

We go to Dana's,

Then pick everybody
else up in the van.

This is going to be great!

Just understand
that you and stacy

Won't be sitting
with my friends.

Becky, there's going
to be , people there.

Why would we sit next
to the only four geeks?

O.k., we're going
away for the weekend
without an adult.

The big "r"
will definitely have
a problem with that.

Well, not if we
make it sound good.

How?

I don't know.

Tell her we're
never coming back.

[Dan] hey.

Hey.

How was your day?

Would you like
to know what
your son did?

Well, if he's "my" son,
it must be something bad.

I had to go to school
to see his teacher

Because it seems
he hasn't turned in
any math homework

For the past two weeks.

I see.

And how did he
explain this?

Well, he's had
a lot of extra
responsibility

Since you died.

Did I suffer?

No.

sn*per...
Clean shot.

I said
I was sorry!

Ever since he got
that video game,

He's been
goofing off!

Deej, you finish
your homework

First thing when you
come home from school,

You read me?

Yes.

Is that it?

Oh, and you cannot
lie to your teachers,
you got it?

O.k.

O.k.

No, it is not o.k.

You're not watching
any TV
this whole weekend,

You understand that?

And you're not
playing video games

Till your teacher
calls and tells me
you're caught up.

Dad!

You heard
your mother.

Now take your
homework upstairs

And wash up
for dinner.

I hate you!

Then my work here
is done.

What?

Hey, thanks for
your help there.

What?
I Backed you up.

Why am I always
the bad guy?

I told him to do
his homework and
to stop lying.

What else do you
want from me?

How about if you
punish him once

And end up where
he doesn't like you?

Give him time!

He'll turn on me.
He's a Conner boy.

Pretty soon we'll
be slugging it out
on the front lawn.

Well, that doesn't do me
any good now, does it, Dan?

We'll ask later.

Be quiet!
You'll wake up mom.

So what?

It's mother's day,
you moron.

Stop trying
to tick her off.

Go upstairs, hose off
whatever stupid thing
you made for her,

And bring it down.

Or what?

Or we'll bury you
under the porch

With the rest
of our brothers.

Hi.

Hey.

I Only had five eggs
in my fridge.

Well, how long have
they been there?

Uh...well...

I know I bought them
on my way to work.

I just don't
remember which job.

[Telephone rings]

Who'd call
this early?

Well, get it before
it wakes up mom!

I got it.

Hello?

Oh, hi, mom.

No, it's Jackie.

Happy
mother's day.

Yeah.

Yeah,
it's a shame

You can't say
the same to me.

So, did you get
the slippers?

Unique good
or unique bad?

Should we ask dad
about the concert?

I don't think he'd
go for it, either.

Besides, she's still
mad about D.J.

We should just
stick to our plan.

Mom, don't you think that
if I was dating somebody

I'd tell you
to get you off my back?

Oh. Really.

Well, go suck an egg.

Huh?

No. I did not!

No! Why would I say
something like that?

"Suck an egg"?

I don't even know
what that means!

No, I didn't say that.

Must be
a bad connection.

So mom,
happy mother's day.

I'll tell Roseanne
to give you a call
when she gets up.

O.k.? Uh-huh.
Bite me.

Oh, man, I should
have thought of that
a long time ago!

Here she comes.

Tell her
how great she looks.

Well, it's your father's
way of telling me

How much he loves me.

You said
you liked it.

I love it!

Because I know that you
picked it out all by yourself.

Oh, my, my, my.

Let me feel--
oh, boy!

That feels...

Fire-retarDant.

It's way retarDant.

[Roseanne] it's--

She hates it.
Do something.

Sit down, mom.

There's your
coffee and juice.

French toast
is coming up.

Did you actually
make breakfast?

Well, sure.
It's mother's day.

What's the catch?

No catch.
Can't we just do
something nice?

I don't know.
You never have.

Here.
Happy mother's day.

Oh, look!

An ashtray with
your picture
at the bottom.

It's a shame
you quit smoking.

You could grind
your butts out
on his face.

Shut up!

Well, I like it, D.J.

I'll use it
for a candy dish.

You really,
really love it?

I love it, yes!

And you're still not
watching any TV.

Gee!

Here, mom.

This is from
me and Darlene.

Oh. Thanks.

Oh, look at that.

It's a gift certificate
to the beauty box.

"Mother's day
makeover--

"Manicure,
pedicure, facial,

Complete
hair styling."

Man! This must
have cost a lot.

Which one of yous
is pregnant?

We just wanted
to get you something
you'd really like.

Yeah.
I've been

Kind of
a nightmare
this year.

It's my way
of saying

Thanks for
putting up
with me.

Oh, that is so sweet!

Thank you.

That's so nice.

Look, Dan...

The girls got me
a good gift.

Way to go.

And you know what would
just make it perfect?

We all go together.

Oh, no. That's
just for you.

No, go with me.
It would be great.

But it's your day.

And I want to spend it
with my two girls.

Really?

sh**t!

We only have
enough money
for you, mom.

Oh, don't worry
about it.

I've got plenty
of money.

How much did you
pay for this robe?

What's that?
It's all scratchy.

Eucalyptus and mango
in an oatmeal base.

We're scrubbing away
those layers
of dead, dry skin.

Well, rub it
all over my body

And don't stop
till I'm a size .

Oh, I think
I overdid it today.

The girls
made me breakfast

And took me out
to lunch.

Then I thought we should
lose those calories,

So we left the car
at the restaurant

And walked over
to baskin-robbins.

Sounds like
you had a great
mother's day.

Oh, yeah.

It's just great.

Me and my girls
hanging out together,

Acting crazy.

Oh, we went
to this movie theater

But we'd already
seen the show,

So we stood in front and
told everybody the ending.

Oh, it just doesn't get
any better than that.

Mrs. Conner,
it's time for
your shampoo.

Oh, do I really
have to move?

Sorry.

Oh, all right.

Boy, what we girls
won't go through
to be beautiful.

Oh, yeah, mom.

You betcha.

Man, this stuff
is sucking
my brain out

Right through
my face.

Just hang in.

She better let us
go to that concert.

She will.

Ask her now.

No. Wait till
they've done her hair

And she's got
a buzz going
from the spray.

Oh, you were
wide open, man!

That was your shot!

For million
bucks a year

You'd think the guy
could hire somebody

To teach him
how to sh**t.

No TV.

I just came
to show you
my homework.

Did you
finish it?

Yeah.

Long division.

It's stupid.
I'll never need it.

I have a calculator.

Now wait a minute,
Deej.

What if your
batteries go dead?

I'll buy new ones.

O.k., say you're
on a deserted island

And there's
no battery store

And you got to split
coconuts
between people?

Dad...

It's your choice,
Deej--

You can grow up
to be gilligan
or the professor.

So what
do I do now?

It's a beautiful
day outside.

Go play.

Can't I watch TV?

No!

O.k.

You want to
come with me?

Uh, yeah. Maybe
after the game.

O.k.

Deej, wait a minute.

You're right.

Let's go do something.

What about the game?

What you want to do?

Watch TV.

No!

Come on, man!

We're two guys
on the loose.

There's a whole
big world out there!

Let's go wherever
the wind blows us!

Let me get
my bowling shoes.

End of the line.

This was
so cool, dad.

Yeah. Didn't I tell you

There was more things in
the world than video games?

Yeah. You can
stop saying that.

Here, give me
your helmet.

I wanted to bash
some stuff with my head.

That's a $ helmet.
Take it off first.

Here, give me a hand

Wiping all the mud
off this beast.

O.k.

Big day for you,
Deej.

You learned how
to sh**t pool,

You bowled
your weight...

You found out you
got to spit sideways

When you're riding
on a motorcycle.

Sure beats TV, huh?

A little.

So tell me about
this alison girl
who likes you.

I hate her!

Sounds serious.

No way!

She's always bugging me,
keeps trying to kiss me.

Just like me when
I was your age.

Girls were drawn to me

Like moths
to a porch light.

You got
the Conner curse, son.

So what do I do?

Nothing.
It goes away.

Well, Mrs.. Conner,
what do you think?

Oh,
I'm beautiful!

I No longer
have to think.

You look great, mom.

Yeah.
Like our big sister

Just got back
from college.

Well, you guys
look gorgeous, too.

We'll have to go
get a picture so we
can remember this.

Oh, no.
We'll remember.

I think we should go
over to woolworth's

And try to smash
all our hair into
one photo booth.

There could be a romantic
evening in your future.

Dad will go crazy
when he sees you.

Are you kidding?
Look at me!

I can do better
than him.

Mom, when's
the last time

You spent some time
alone with dad?

Well, Darlene, we really
can't afford to go away.

I know, but maybe
you could spend
a weekend at home

And we could
go away.

D.J. Could sleep
at a friend's house

And Becky and I
could take off
for the weekend.

Take off where?

There's
this concert
in des moines

Coming up.

You want to go
to this concert

For the whole weekend?

Yeah. You'd have
the whole house
to yourselves.

Where would you stay?

A motel room
or something.

No.

Why?

Because. No!

If you really care
about me and dad

Having a weekend alone,
take D.J. To grandma's.

I'm sure she'd be
really happy to see you.

Oh, come on!

No. You guys
are way too young

To go that long
without an adult.

This worked out great.

Tell me
about it.

What does that mean,
"worked out"?

Nothing. Forget it.

Oh, this whole thing
was just some scam

So you could go to some
stupid concert, right?

Damn it.

Mom...

I'll pay the bill.

Meet me in the car.

Come on, keep
stirring it,
Deej.

My arm is tired.

Well, if you don't
keep stirring,
it won't be chili.

I don't even
like chili.

You like science,
don't you?

Yeah.

Chili is science.

How?

It's chemistry.

Chili represents
your three states
of matter--

Solid, liquid,
and eventually gas.

Oh, my god--

It's the shirelles.

Who?

Disco.

You guys have
a good time?

Just swell.

I'm going to go wash
this crap off my face.

See, Deej, the
good-looking ones

Always have
an attitude.

Hey.

Ooh!

Flashback--

Prom night, .

And honey, even after
all these years,

You hair is still
just as wide.

Don't touch it, Dan.
You'll dent it.

I did my homework.

You did?

Oh, you sure can be
a good kid sometimes.

Is something wrong,
Roseanne?

No.
Everything's fine.

Deej, I want to
talk to your mom
for a minute.

Go bug your sisters.

Use real bugs.

Becky and Darlene
are in a mood.

What's going on?

Ohh...

Quality time's
for saps.

That whole thing
was just a set-up.

They were just trying to
get something out of me.

Why'd they have
to do that today?

Oh, my god--
happy Halloween.

What are you
complaining about?

You look better.

Great plan, Becky.

Me? You're the one
who blew it.

I didn't think
she could hear.

Are you kidding?
She can hear us
right now.

Still, we spent
the whole day together

And she treats us
like we're infants.

[Dan knocks]
come on out of there.

As soon as we wipe off
these clown faces.

Now!

Yeah?

First of all,

You going away
for a weekend

To a rock concert
without an adult--

That was never
going to happen

No matter how
you sucked up.

Well,
it's unanimous.

Yeah. I guess that
about wraps it up.

I don't think so.

O.k., we'll
apologize to her

Before she, like,
explodes.

She's not going
to like, explode.

She's too busy
crying her eyes out.

I'm the one you got
to worry about.

I'm very angry and I don't
like you right now.

So we should also
apologize to you?

Shut up.

So I don't have
to say it again,

You shut up, too.

You guys
just don't get it.

You see, she thought
you were actually

Going to do
something nice for her...

You know,
like you cared.

That would have been
the very best thing

You could have done
for her today,

But you just ruined it.

Well, what
should we do?

Make it up to her.

All right.
We'll think
of something.

No. You had your chance.

Now it's my turn.

Stop.

We're going out
to dinner.

No. I don't
want to eat with
those girls.

I just want
to go to bed.

They're not coming.

I'm punishing them.

Whoa.

Yes, and having
to eat my chili is
just the beginning.

We'll decide the
rest over dinner.

Let's get changed.

But they hate me,
right?

No, no. That's
the beauty part--

They hate me.

Oh, Dan,
that's just great!

Happy mother's day.

Oh, man, this is
so much better
than some old robe!

[Telephone rings]

Hello.

Yeah. Hi, bev.

Oh, good.

Rosie? The kids got
to your mother's.

They're fine.

Great.

Oh, no, you're welcome.
They wanted to come.

They're old enough
to take a weekend trip
by themselves.

What's that noise?

Oh, what a treat
for the girls to meet
your garden club!

Does anyone there
play the piano?

Great.

Darlene loves
to sing show tunes.

No, she's just
being modest.

Make her.

Did you get
your projector fixed?

Grand.

What's a weekend
at grandma's

Without all those wonderful
vacation slides?

No, no.

We're just going
to have a little

Romantic weekend
at home.

All righty!

Well, you enjoy
your grandchildren.

O.k. Bite me.