04x21 - Lies

[bunniefuu]

Oh, jeez.

Colonel klink is going
to the russian front

For this wacky foul-up.

You think they'd
figure out hogan could
hear their secret plans

After, like,
a thousand episodes.

Forget that. After
the second episode,

You'd think they'd
realize they should be
speaking in german.

You want a soda?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, jeez.

Now they're playing
volleyball.

What is this, like,
the n*zi club med?

Here you go.

Thanks.

Tell your mom
you're out of chips.

Let's see
what else is on.

Let's watch this.

What are you doing?

That was not
the reaction
I was hoping for.

David, we're, like,
really good friends.

So?

So, I don't think you
should cop a cheap feel
from a friend.

Hey, my hand's way out of
copping range here, Darlene.

Move it.

O.k.

I don't believe this.

Why not.

The whole school thinks we're
boyfriend and girlfriend.

So what?

I just I put my arm
around you.

Yeah, and what was next?

I don't know.
It took me three weeks
to get to that.

Oh, gross.
You've been planning this?

This is
the lowest moment
of my entire life.

Thanks for being
a part of it.

I'm sorry.
You caught me off guard.

I don't know
if I see you that way.

Becky!

The next time you
let your car hog up
the driveway like that,

I'm getting it towed
to indianapolis!

She's not here.

Dana picked her up,
and they went somewhere.

Oh, well,
it's not that important.

I'm sure she heard
you anyway, dear.

Hey, david.

Hey. You know
you're out of--

Here you go.

I'm going to
get out of here.

You don't have to.

Yeah, I do.

Yeah, so,
just 'cause Rodbell's
is missing some stuff,

Everybody has to take some
stupid lie detector test.

Well, don't take it.

They can't fire you
if you refuse.

Oh, yeah, they can.

They just wouldn't
say that that was why.

They'd say it was 'cause
I was always late,

Or rude to the customers,
you know.

They'd find some
tiny little thing.

What kind of stuff
got stolen?

They didn't
even tell us.

You have nothing
to worry about.

That's just the point.
I didn't take anything.

I really resent
Rodbell's treating me

Like I'm some
common criminal.

I'm going to
the big house, Dan.

Well, here you go,
walter.

It's unbelievable,
Roseanne.

I called
the a.c.l.u.,

And they told me
I cannot be forced

To take
a lie detector test.

And the minute
I'm fired,
I should call them.

What did you swipe,
walter?

Nothing, Roseanne,
but that doesn't
mean I'm not guilty.

A cow died
for this burger.

A tree died
for this napkin.

I k*lled a cow
and a tree
on my lunch hour.

Am I guilty
of m*rder?

I would
have to say yeah.

But it's not
just me, Roseanne.

W-w-we're
all guilty!

He's lucky.
He can plead insanity.

Well, I don't know
how this happened,

But suddenly, ladies,
we are overstocked

With half-empty jars
of mustard and mayonnaise.

Anybody have anything
to say?

Uh...

All right. Uh...

Leon, I took
some things home
from the restaurant.

I know it's illegal,
and I'm sorry.

That's why
I brought them back.

Bonnie, don't you think
I notice

That you leave here lumpier
than when you come in?

Now, I have always tried
to look the other way

When you've
taken condiments,

But how can I do that

If you keep
bringing them back?

I'm sorry. I figured
if I brought them back,

Then when they ask me
if I stole anything,

I could just say
I borrowed them.

You're not gonna bust
her, are you, Leon?

Of course not.

Then could you
help me?

I got a vat
of steak sauce
in my car.

Roseanne, I hate
to burst your bubble,

But your little plan
isn't going to work.

You see,
once you believe

That you've
stolen something,

It'll show up
on the polygraph.

Yeah, but
like she said,

We were
just borrowing it.

Yeah, but you borrowed
a full jar,

And when you
brought it back,

It was half-empty.

Now, don't you believe
that that was stealing?

Well, I do now,
thanks to you.

Yeah, way to go, Leon.

Hey.

Hey.

You got
a few minutes?

Yeah, sure.

My break doesn't start
for a half-hour.

Well,
I was thinking...

Did Darlene tell you
about what happened
last night?

Of course.

Well, I thought
maybe we should
talk about it.

O.k., well...

Do want some pie
or something?

Yeah.

Isn't that Darlene's
little boyfriend?

Darlene doesn't have
a boyfriend.

And yes.

What did he mean
by that?

What happened
last night?

I don't know.
Darlene never
tells me a thing.

Well, here you go.

Thanks.

O.k., we'll talk.
You start.

Mark said you were
always trashing
on him to Becky

And that's why
she broke up
with him.

Come on, david.

Hold it.
I'm not like
my brother.

I think Mark
is the biggest jerk
on the planet.

You were right
to try to keep him
away from Becky.

Hmm. You're sucking up.
That's better.

So I guess
I'm just asking you

Not to sink me
with Darlene.

So I'm just
supposed to forget

About what happened
last night, is that it?

Nothing happened.

I put my arm
around her,
that's all.

What did
she tell you?

I really can't
tell you that,
david. Uh...

But I will
tell you this--

Darlene is
a lot like I was.

When I first starting
dating mr. Conner,
you know,

Oh, we took it
real slow, you know?

'Cause that's what
I needed at the time.

I mean, it was years
before anything happened.

Got it?

Yeah, I got it.

Bring on
the lie detector.

I don't know,
he's still
Mark's brother.

Totally
different kid, Dan.

Mark is obnoxious,
he's rude,

He's going nowhere,

And he's too old
for Becky.

On the other hand,

David likes me.

Where's the mustard?

I Took it back
to Rodbell's.

What about the salami?

I told you, Dan,
I took everything back.

But the salamI was ours.

I Panicked!

Damn. I've been looking
forward to that salami
ever since dinner.

Dad?

You want to go
sh**t some hoops?

You mean your dad?

A quick game.
No big deal.

Sure.

No time left
on the clock.

Your team's down
by a point.

Darlene, Darlene,
Darlene, Darlene!

Ooh!

God! I'm sh**ting
like a girl.

You're just
a little rusty.
You'll get it back.

Here, put it up.
Try it again.

Hey, girlie, girlie,
girlie, girlie!

Girlie, girlie,
girlie, girlie!

Gee, I forgot
how much fun it was

To play with you.

Come on, put it up.

All right.

You know, dad, I really
just want to talk.

I knew it.

What's up?

Well...I need
a guy's opinion
about something.

O.k., I'll be the guy.

Let's say you were
real good friends
with this girl

And you made
a move on her

And she turned you down.

What would you do?

Why, then I'd applaud
her high moral standards.

Well, that's
a dad opinion.

I--I need a guy opinion.
An honest one.

Then I'd run and
tell all my buddies
I scored.

I meant would you still
be friends with her?

Oh.

Well, maybe.

Even if you were still
attracted to her?

Well, then
I'd try again.

So it would always be
on your mind?

So you couldn't just,
like, hang out with her?

This about
you and david?

Let's just say
I'm curious

And leave it at that.

So?

Well, listen,
Darlene...

What I would do or
what mr. X would do

Is, like,
not the point.

You're asking me
what you should do,
right?

Yeah, I--I guess.

Well, let me
put it this way.

You have never
in your life

Done anything
just to please
somebody else.

Why start now?

Cool.

Play ball!

Thanks, dad.

Anytime.

Thanks for what?

She just came
to the old man
for some advice.

Yeah? What did
she talk to you
about? David?

It was steeped
in the hypothetical,

But she
basically confirmed

That he's warm
for her form.

Well, that's just great.

You knew she was going
to start with boys again.

Look at it this way.

She didn't hide
in her room or anything.

She did exactly what
you wanted her to do--

She came to us.

God.

You just don't get it,
do you, Dan?

When I said us,

I meant me!

[Door slams]

[Telephone rings]

Hello? Oh, hey, david.
Hang on one second.

Uh...david, Darlene's
in the shower.

Yeah.

Well, I'll tell her
you called.

O.k. She'll see you
at school. Bye.

Why'd you have to
say shower?

Now he's
picturing me naked.

Well, then I'm sure

He won't be
bothering you anymore.

What am I going
to say to him?

I know he'll want
to sit next to me
in detention.

You either
go out with him
or you don't.

Yeah, and then
if we do, like,
everything changes.

Yeah, but
it could be better.

I mean, don't you
want to kiss him?

Uh-huh.

Really?

Yeah, really, o.k.?

Well, you having dreams
about it?

No!

Well, yeah,

But I woke up
at the good part.

You tried to quickly
fall asleep

To get back into it,
right?

But it wasn't the same.

Suddenly everybody
had big heads,

And we were talking
about spaghetti.

I don't know.
If I were you,
I'd go for it.

What if we break up?

Then I lose
the best friend
I ever had.

Things have
already changed,
Darlene.

You can't go back.

He left it up to me.

If I want,
then I can decide

That we'll
just be friends.

Oh, good.
Guys love that.

D.J.! Let's go!

I'll see you
tonight, dad.

You going
to drive Darlene?

Nah, she walked.
She's got a lot
to think about.

Oh, yeah.
She talk to you
about david?

Yeah.

Yeah, me, too.
Think she'll
go out with him?

I think
she's gonna.

It's great
you guys are talking
about this.

I'm only good
for guy stuff.

I think
she just needed
the female viewpoint

From someone
who's older.

This is really
ticking me off.

I can't believe
you're jealous over this.

Why not? It's very
typical of me.

O.k. You called,
I rushed right over.
What's so important?

Uh-huh. I'm talking
to Dan right now.

O.k., next time the kids
have a problem,

I'll send them
directly to you.

This is the problem
I wanted,

And you hogged it.

Help. Help.

I'm ready.

What took you so long?

I'm supposed to wear this
for gym today.

I don't know
how to put it on.

Sounds like a problem.

Want to field
this one, honey?

Get out of here.

Come on, D.J.

I can't believe
you're still mad

Because Darlene
went to Dan
instead of you.

Well, she didn't just go
to Dan, you know.

She went
to Becky, too.

Ooh. She went
to her older sister
for advice.

Never worked for me.

Shut up.

Look,
the important thing

Is that Darlene
got what she needed,
right?

Fine.

O.k., then.
So, what do you
need me for?

Well...

O.k.

I Took the stuff from
the restaurant, right?

Mm-hmm.

I know it was wrong,
and I feel bad about it.

I can't stop thinking
about it.

Mm-hmm.

So my question
to you is...

What are the chances
of beating a lie detector?

You're actually
going to lie?

If I tell the truth,
I'll get fired.

And if I lie,
I got a shot.

I Sort of figured,
being a cop
and everything,

Maybe you'd know
some tricks.

There are no tricks.
It's a machine.

I can beat it.

The test measures
blood pressure,

Heart rate,
respiration.

These are things
that you can't
control.

I think I can.

The only ones
that can beat
a lie detector test

Are people
that have no
conscience at all.

Psychos, schizos,

Pathological liars.

I know I can.

It's really hot in here.

What if I get sweaty?
Will I get electrocuted?

No, Mrs.. Conner.
There is absolutely
no Danger.

Well, how's
this work, anyway?

If those needles
start jumping
all over the place,

Then that's how you know
I'm lying, right?

Do you plan on lying,
Mrs.. Conner?

No.

Oh, it's not on yet.

O.k.

Here we go.

Now, just
concern yourself
with the questions

And try
to remain relaxed.

Okey-doke.

State your name,
please.

Roseanne Conner.

Your age?

.

.

Uh-huh.

Occupation?

Waitress.

Have you ever stolen
any merchandise
from Rodbell's?

Well...

Yes or no,
Mrs.. Conner.

Well, I mean, can't you
start off, like, smaller

Or maybe more specific?

Like, you know,
going like,

Have I ever stolen
a giant-screen TV?

No.

A hose
from garden supply?

No.

A, uh, canoe--

Have you ever
taken anything?

Well, hey, how about
that pen you got there?

I Bet you took that
from your work.

Yes. And I'm working
with it.

Ah.

Have you ever
taken anything?

Yes or no, please.

Yes, please.

What have you taken?

Uh...

Ketchup, mustard...

Pickle chips.

What's going
to happen to me?

That's management's
decision.

I just
ask the questions.

Now, have you ever
stolen any cash?

Absolutely not.

How about
your coworkers?

Bonnie?

No.

I was talking
about Leon carp.

Leon?

How come?

Bonnie's
the one that has
the police record.

Uh-huh. Well,
have you ever seen
mr. Carp

Take cash
from the register?

Yeah. 'Cause
he does the books.
That's his job.

Have you observed
any changes in
his normal routine?

No.

Have you seen him
exhibit any
unusual behavior?

Ohh...

I know what
this is all about.

You're trying
to scrounge up
some dirt on Leon

Just because he's gay.

I Ought to call
the a.c.l.u.

Because this
is totally un-american.

I won't help you

In your little
witch hunt.

No crappy job
is worth that.

You did know
he was gay, didn't you?

No.

Well, he's not.

Hey.

How's it going,
you still got a job?

What does it matter?
I can't ever go
back there again.

How come?

Oh, 'cause I cracked.

I Turned myself in,

And then I ratted out
all my friends.

Sounds like
you had a full day.

Where's Darlene?

Last time I saw her,

She was out
sh**ting hoops.

Well, I've decided
that she's going
to confide in me

If I have to
rip it out of her!

Dan!

Come here!

Why didn't you
return my calls?

I was avoiding you.
I didn't know
what to say.

You want to go out
with me, yes or no?

Then we stop
being friends,

And it becomes
something different.

So your answer is no.

Now we're not
friends anymore?

No. Look, I was
ready for this.

I can't help
liking you...
That way,

But I'll deal
with it.

I'd rather be friends
than nothing.

O.k.

O.k.

So, I got a couple
of bucks.

We can go down
to the arcade, and--

What exactly
did you tell her, Dan?

I don't know.

I just listened
and tried to be
there for her,

That's all.

Brilliant!

Captioning performed by
the national captioning
institute, inc.

Hey, Bonnie.

Hey, clyde.

Here. Our paychecks
came in.

Bucks?

What, are they paying us
by the day now?

They docked us
bucks each

For the food we took.

Bucks for two years
worth of stuff?

We ought to do
all our shopping here.

Where's Leon?
I got to talk to him.

They called him
at the office.

They got a couple
more questions
to ask him.

Oh, man. That
lie detector guy
lied to me.

What are you
talking about?

When I told him
Leon was gay,

He said they didn't
care about that.

Why'd you tell him that?

I Stuck up for him.

You weren't sticking up
for me, were you?

No. I swear.

Leon's a great
big old pain
in the butt,

But I didn't
want him
to get fired.

Absolutely not.

Roseanne Conner is not
a Danger to herself

Or the customers.

To the best
of your knowledge,

Is she on
any medication?

No.

But I think
she should be.

So you consider her
a good employee?

A "good" employee...

Well, now,
th-that's a poser.

Yes or no, mr. Carp.

O.k...

Yes.

Whoa!

I was afraid
that would happen.