04x15 - The Back Story

[bunniefuu]

Darlene, get out there
and clear the table.

In a minute.

No. I'm tired of
having this argument
every morning.

I want you
to do it now.

I'm watching dad
shovel snow.

Oh. Well, scoot over.

If you listen close,

You can hear him
wheezing a little tune.

I don't know
why he won't get somebody

to do that for him.

One day he'll
keel over out there,

and I won't be able to get
my car out of the driveway.

Here's my new
birthday list.

Oh.

Well, let's see.

A new bathrobe.

I'm taking a bath
every night
from now on.

Oh, yeah?

And a new desk lamp.

That's so you can do
your homework better?

Uh-huh.

And let's see what else
we got down here.

Uh...oh.

A super nintendo
video game.

Yeah. If that's
too many things,

cross off the lamp
and the robe.

I told you we can't
afford a video game now.

All my friends
have them.

They make fun of me
because I don't.

That's not why
they make fun
of you, D.J.

It's not fair.

Dad, will you get me
a super nintendo?

No.

But if I don't
catch my breath,

maybe your new daddy
will buy you one.

I wish I lived
somewhere else!

Well, honey, you just
remember that wish

when you're blowing out
your birthday candles.

I'm going to Todd's.
He has genesis.

Did you get it?

It's at the shop.

I got
an educational game

to go with it.

Did you get the super
Mario brothers II?

I didn't forget you,
dear.

Yes.

Wait. You actually
got him the video game?

That's like bucks.

I got some extra
repair work,

so I got
some extra cash.

When it was my birthday,

why didn't I get
the leather jacket I wanted?

Well, we wanted
to surprise you.

Funny. Ha ha.

Are you leaving?

Yeah, I'm going to the--

book store.

I'm out of here, too.

You working
in the restaurant today?

No. I actually
got the day off.

What are you
going to do?

What do you think,

Sit and paint
my toenails?

I'm going
to clean the house.

So get out of here,
Dan, you big idiot.

It's not like you bought me

one of those self-cleaning
electric jetson houses.

Oh!

Oh, god! Oh, my back.

Oh...I can't move.

Dan!

Ow!

Oh, I--I can't get up,

and I don't have
one of those things!

I shouldn't have laughed
at that old lady on TV!

Dan!

What do I do?

It's like that game
hedgehog.

power up
or you're dead.

[Pow]

What happened?

You're dead.

The skeleton
stabbed you
through the heart.

That's your blood.

Oh, man,
D.J.'s going to love this!

Once he gets it,
we'll never see him again.

Give it to him now.

One more time.

[Music starts]

I'm glad D.J.'s
getting something
he really wants.

[Pop pop pop pop]

Well, I'm off
to my boring job

So someday I can
afford to buy a car.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hold it right there.

What?

Every time we scrape
together some cash,

You hit us up
for a car.

That's the best time,
isn't it?

Well, we're
sick of it, Becky.

Jeez, I--

Let me finish!

So we decided
you should have one.

You're buying me
a car?

That would be great,
wouldn't it?

But it's just not us.
No...

What we will do

is match you
dollar for dollar.

Whatever you put down,
we'll put down.

Really?

- .

That's a deal.

How much
you got saved up?

About .

Already? Congratulations.
Today's the day.

Ah. You're not
getting off that easy.

Thanks, daddy.

[Telephone rings]

You've been working
real hard,

So you deserve the best car
$ , can buy.

Lanford custom cycle.

Hey, Deej.
What's going on?

Oh, no.

Was she--
let me talk to her.

What's going on?

Your mom
threw her back out.

I hope it's not
like that last time.

It hurt her
just to breathe.

Hey, honey. Are you o.k.?

Ow, Dan!
It hurts, it hurts!

Ow! Ow! Ow!
Help me, Dan!
I'm dying!

She's breathing o.k.

O.k. I got you. Easy.

Just a few more steps.

Don't let go.
I'll tip over.

So what happened?

You hurt yourself
while you were cleaning?

I didn't get that far.

You didn't try
to shovel the walk,
did you?

You got me.

So was it your
upper back again?

No. It's my whole back.

It kind of just like
totally spasmed out,
you know?

I was screaming so loud,

D.J. Could hear me
from next door.

After about an hour,

he came home
to see what was wrong.

We should
call a doctor.

No. He's just
going to tell me

to stay in bed
and take it easy

and not do anything.

O.k. Call him.

Well, sorry, mom,

But unless you're going
to die or something,

I'm late for work.

I'll survive.

See ya.

Yeah.

Hmm. She kissed me.

She must know
about our car deal.

Uh-huh.

Did she kiss you?

No, but she hugged me
and called me daddy.

All our kids
have a price,
don't they, Dan?

Here's
the heating pad.

Oh. D.J.,
I'm so sorry,

but I can't make you
a birthday party

until
I'm feeling better.

Well, can't grandma
do it?

Grandma?

You can go now,
D.J.

Your mother's coming?

Yeah. I sort of
called her.

And what
did you tell her?

That I was in
excruciating pain.

Oh, jeez, Roseanne.

Couldn't you
think of me first?

Well, Dan,
you'll be at work.

The kids
will be at school.

I need somebody
to take care of me.

I can't
get out of bed.

Once you're back
on your feet, she's out.

O.k.

I'll get you some tea.

Thank you.

Oh, my god! Wayne Newton!

Rosie,
come out here quick!

Wayne's here!

Nice try.

Damn.

How are those
apple pancakes?

Oh. They're perfect.

Remember how I always
made them for you

When you were sick?

Oh, you were so great.

You would feed a fever
and a cold.

You were such
a horrible patient.

I had to hide
your medicine
in your food.

What kind of medicine?

Oh, whatever I had

That would make you
drowsy.

Hi.

Hi. Did you get
all the stuff I wanted?

Yes, my queen.

Here are your magazines,

and there is
the hand lotion,

under-eye moisturizer,
cuticle cream,

and three emery boards.

Well,
where's my gum?

Oh. Here.

Oh.

No! I didn't want
spearmint.

I want peppermint!

So?

Spearmint doesn't
make me feel better.

Just chew it!

I haven't
even had a chance

To say hi to mom yet.

Hi, mom.

Hello, Jackie.

Well, how are you doing?

Well, even in the middle
of an ugly divorce,

life goes on.

Fortunately I still
have one daughter

who asks me to visit.

How can you
even say that?

She's treating you
like a sl*ve here.

Which is more
than I could expect
from you, dear.

Morning.

Oh, happy
birthday, D.J.

Can you get
out of bed yet?

No. I'm sorry,
I can't.

What about my cake?

I'll make you
one, D.J.

I want one from
the store like mom makes.

Well,
you're just going
to have to suffer.

This stinks.

Where's my
birthday kiss?

Come and get it.

And he's my favorite.

He's at that age
where the whole world
revolves around him.

Yes. My little boy's
becoming a man.

Have you told Leon
you hurt your back
and wouldn't be in?

Yeah. I think
he believed me.

Hey.
Hey.

D.J. home?

No.

Where is he?

I think my mom
picked him up from school.

I went to the school
to surprise him by
going out for ice cream.

I guess you had
to eat the ice cream
by yourself.

I was just trying
to make his day special.

It's his th birthday.

You got more tape?

I'll go get it.

You've been throwing
your back out
since you were .

No kidding.

Shouldn't you do
something about it?

What would you
suggest, Jackie?

Well, when I
was injured in
the line of duty--

Oh, please.

You fell down
a flight of stairs.

Stop making it sound
like you threw your body
on a live grenade.

I hurt my back...
is the point,

And I have always
found exercise
to be the answer.

Really?
Well, that's great.

Why don't you jog
out into the kitchen

and make me
some hot chocolate?

They just pulled up.

Where do you want
the video game?
On top?

No! Put it
under the bed.

We're going to make him

open all the other
presents first,

then when he starts
whining and being bratty

about how he didn't
get the video game,

then we'll give it to him

And then he'll feel
really stupid.

Most parents would just
give him the gift.

Mom! Mom!

Guess what
grandma got me!

What?

Super nintendo!

I know it's
a little extravagant,

but he seemed to
want it so much,

we stopped off
on the way home.

Dad, help me
hook it up.

Sure.

Don't you want to open
your other presents?

Later.

I guess I'll just
get started on
the birthday cake.

Make sure you put
some extra medicine
in Dan's piece.

This is really great, grandma.

Thank you, Becky,
I wanted everything
to be special for D.J.

Can I go now?

No. You're not
playing video games

till you've had
your birthday cake.

[Roseanne]
how's it going in there?

Fine, dear.

Is Dan still mad?

No, Rosie.
Everything's good.

Is he lying, Jackie?

No, Roseanne.
He's fine.

O.k.

Dan, I'm really sorry
that I didn't check
with you first.

Don't worry
about it, Bev.

I can take it
back and get him
something else.

You shouldn't keep
that anger all bottled up.

You'll just get diarrhea.

I said I'm fine, Darlene.

How's the job,
Becky?

Why?

Because I'm
changing the
subject, Becky.

Oh. Well, they moved me
up to the express line.

Really? They must
have a lot of
confidence in you.

Yeah. Right.
All I have to do
is count to .

Don't wear mittens.
It'll slow you down.

[Roseanne laughs]

Mother!

Well, it was funny, Becky.

Well, I'm glad
you're all laughing.

I'm the one who's got to
go back there tonight.

You're working
pretty hard
these days.

Well, I'm saving up
to buy a car.

Dad's matching me
dollar for dollar,

So I'm trying
to break the bank.

What about your
schoolwork?

Oh, I'm doing it.

And your social life
you can't be having any fun?

Well, I guess I don't
see Mark that much.

Nice going, Bev.
You gave away
the plan.

It just seems
like such a shame.

Can we do the cake now?

Of course,
sweetheart.

* Happy birthday
to you *

* Happy birthday
to... **

What happened,
did you forget the words?

He took off.

Oh. Well, I'll have
his piece.

You know, Becky,
all these years

I've been driving
your grandfather's
hand-me-downs.

It's time I had
a new car of my own.

But the one I have
is in very good condition.

Weren't you
making coffee?

In a minute, dear.

Becky, you don't
have a car,

And soon I'll have
one too many.

Bev.

Dan, she's got years
ahead of her where
she'll have to work.

Let her enjoy herself
while she's young.

Shouldn't you use that
car for a trade-in?

It's your father's
money, dear.

It's my pleasure
to spend it.

No.

Why not?
We have
an arrangement.

Dad, I can get
a car for nothing.

You'll get a car
by working for it.

Dad, if I have a car,
it'll be easier
to get to work.

Bull. The minute
you get a car,

you'll find
some reason
to stop working.

I can't believe
you think that.
That's so unfair.

We had a deal.

Grandma's deal
is better.

It's better
to earn something

than to have it
handed to you.

Nothing's ever
been handed to me.

Oh, right! Like your
life just stinks!

It would make me happy
to do this, Dan.

That's why I had these kids--
just to make you happy.

Aren't you being
a little unreasonable?

I don't think so.

At least go up
and talk to her.

You do it! You're doing
such a great job

deciding what's right
and wrong for my kids,

they don't need me.

[Door slams]

[Roseanne]
Hey, I could use a new car.

That's it.

Yep.

You didn't have to
come down tonight.

I had some paperwork.

You going to let
Becky have the car?

You know about
that already?

She called me after
you left the house.

What advice did you
have for her?

I asked why she wanted
an old-lady car.

Interesting approach.

They worked it all out
without you.

What did they work out?

Your wife
gets grandma's car,

and Becky gets
your wife's old car.

but Becky keeps working,

and you're still
going to pay half

when she gets
a better car.

They leave me any cake?

[Bev] Dan?

In here.

Oh, hello.

Bev,
this is Mark.

Mark,
this is Becky's
grandmother.

Hey.

Is this
the boyfriend?

It is.

Well, I understand
what Becky sees in you.

You look like that Fonzie fellow
who's so popular these days.

Thanks. Well,
nice meeting you.

See you tomorrow,
Mr. Conner.

[Imitating Fonzie]
aaay.

Aaay.

Aaay.

You came down here
to get away from me,
and here I am.

I had some work to do.

You know, as I was
buying D.J. that gift,

I just knew I was
doing the wrong thing.

But while we were
in the car,

he asked me if grandpa
married this other lady,

would she be
his grandma, too?

Ouch.

Yeah.

So I started to think
that without grandpa Al,

maybe I wouldn't be
as welcome.

He's always been
fun for the kids.

All I ever seemed
to say is,

"Get your finger
out of your nose."

So I was just going for
a little extra popularity.

Well, you know what?
I guess I was, too.

I mean, it isn't often

that I can afford
to get something nice
for my kids.

I had two sh*ts today
and you aced me out
of both of them.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I yelled.

That's o.k.
It made me feel
like part of the family.

If it makes you
feel any better,

the kids don't like
grandpa any more
than they like you.

Thank you.

And I've got an idea.

Until Roseanne's
back is better,

I'll just take care
of my kid,

and you can
take care of yours.

Deal.

I'm not sure you
ever knew this,

but I wasn't
too thrilled when
Roseanne married you.

You wore black
to the wedding.

But I have to say,

you've turned out
to be a wonderful
husband and father.

And?

And what?

What do I get?

What do you mean?

Come on. You gave
Roseanne a car.

Oh, Dan...

No. All I need is a...

A TV...big screen.

and a satellite dish.

[Video game plays]

[Dan]
I will fix
the car, Becky.

You always fix it,
and it always
breaks down.

It's temperamental
in cold weather.

What's the point
of having a car

if it won't
get me to work?

Well,
it'll get you close.

I ought to take it to
the junkyard and sell it.

It'll never
get you that far.

This stinks.

You'll get a new car
when you earn it.

Until then, this is
better than the bus.

Well, the bus gets
better mileage.

You're not helping.

Becky, you've been
griping to drive that car

ever since you
got your license.

Now it's yours.

You get grandma's car,
and I get your b*mb.

What can I say?

My mommy's better
than your mommy.

Great.

How you doing?

Two more swords
and I'm queen
of the monkey people.

I meant your back.

Oh.

Well, I can't do
the laundry,

and I'm not
making dinner.

So why do you ask?

'Cause you've got
a doctor's appointment.

I don't want to go.

He's not going to
hurt you.

Yes, he will.

He'll tell me I'm fine,

And then he'll
tell me I should
do the laundry.

You'll just have
to risk it, dear.

Why are you
making me do this?

Because I love you.

You just want me
to get better.

Keep moving.

[Roseanne]
I want my mommy!

Grandpa Al, it's Darlene.

Yeah, really.

I know I haven't
called you that much,

but, you know,
grandma was here

and she was
talking about you,

So I got to thinking--

What did she say?

Oh. It's not important,

and I didn't believe
any of it anyway.

She's really sucking up.

I mean, Becky got a car,

and D.J. got this really
expensive video game.

No, I didn't
get anything.

I don't know...

probably because I stuck up
for you one too many times.

But, hey, what's right
is right.

So...

when are you
coming into town?