04x13 - Bingo

[bunniefuu]

Now little Ed,
mommy and auntie Roseanne

Are going to play bingo.

Becky and Darlene
will be looking after you.

Darlene,
remember what to do

if the baby
starts spitting up?

Yeah. I give him
to Becky.

Oh, I'm making
a horrible mistake.

Crystal,
we'll be fine.

O.k. I left two bottles
in the fridge.

And we
heat them first.

Don't heat them
in the microwave

'Cause I heard
it's dangerous
for the baby.

Only if the baby's
still hanging on to it.

And--and be careful
of his soft spot.

He's got
a soft spot here.

We better not
find anything stuck
in that head

that's not supposed
to be there

when we get back.

Don't worry.

Ooh, yes, yes.

Darlene, you help
your sister out,

or she's going to keep
all the money.

O.k. I feed,
you wipe.

You got the numbers
to the bingo hall

and the doctor's service.

Call if you have
any questions.

O.k., bye, honey.
We won't be gone too long.

Everything's going
to be all right.

Come on, Crystal, don't
you think it's time
you cut the cord already?

It's important to talk
to your children, Roseanne.

They are people,
you know.

Where do you come up
with this stuff?

N- .

N- .

B- .

B- .

Oh, man.

Are you sure
we're old enough
to get in here?

This looks like
where people go

when they can't play
shuffleboard no more.

Ah, you just wait.

Bingo can be
real exciting.

N- .

N- .

You're messing
with us, right?

They got naked
male strippers

behind the door
over there.

Oh, come on,
Roseanne.

Let's give it
a chance.

Thank you.

Maybe they got cake.

It so happens
I know a woman

who won $ here
the other night.

Oh, really?
Did she retire

or keep going
to work every day

just like
nothing happened?

G- .

G- .

Boy, I bet this guy
does a mean I- .

Shh.

O.k., what's the deal?

Cards are $ . apiece.
Cards minimum.

You're kidding me?
Bucks? What a racket.

Roseanne, please,
they know me here.

Oh.

Sorry, sister.

We could've gone
to a movie for bucks.

Well, it's for charity.

The money goes
to needy families.

Oh, o.k.

Well, then I guess
we get reimbursed.

New game.

Straight bingo.

$ Jackpot.

I- .

Excuse me.

That's
too close.

Too close to what?

My area.
Don't you see?

I'm all set up here.

Sorry!

What's this for?

Aah!

Don't you
touch this.

Don't touch
anything of mine.

You'll jinx me.

Are you a good witch
or a bad witch?

I won bucks

over at
the methodist place
last friday,

so shut up!

I- .

Bingo!

I hate new people.

I hear you.

B- .

Oh, darn.

You know what
your problem is?

You only got $ ,
worth of cards there.

I think you need more.

I think maybe
you need to go
find another seat.

I can't.

I think I'm falling
in love with you.

N- .

N- .

Coffee.

Ooh, Crystal,
you woke me up.

Oh, god,
I am so bored.

You know,
I think I'm starting
to miss my husband.

Hey, I vote we don't let
Crystal pick what we do

on our nights out anymore.

I'm sorry you're
all having such
a terrible time.

Oh, Crystal,
it's really not that bad.

Oh, yeah, we're just
whining and moaning

to keep
from passing out.

B- .

Roseanne,
if you're not
enjoying yourself,

you're free to go
whenever you like.

No, I can't.
You're my ride.

You never complain

when Bonnie
or Anne Marie
pick what we do,

but when
it's my turn,

you jump
all over me.

I'm getting
a brownie.

Whoa, what's with her?

Apparently,

your friends
don't like you
very much either.

I'm telling you there's
something wrong.

Well, change
his diaper again.

I just changed it.

Maybe you did it wrong.

Maybe you gave
my little baby a wedgie.

That's not it.

Does his color
look right to you?

I don't know.

What color was he
when he got here?

What are you doing?

I'm trying
to calm him down.

Well, does this
calm you down,
you moron?

Well, gee,
I'm sorry, Becky.

What would
you like me to do?

I don't know.
I'm going to
call Crystal.

Oh, grow up.

What's going on?

The baby won't stop crying,
and he cheesed my shirt.

We tried everything.

Just relax.

I've changed him
a hundred times,

and I feed him
every minutes.

Now you know
why you had to
change him so much.

He might be warm.

Should we take him
to the hospital?

Let the old doctor
take a look here.

[Sniffing]

You cutting a tooth
there, little Ed?

Yeah, he's teething,
that's all.

D.J., see if there's
any frozen waffles
in the freezer.

O.k.

Crystal's list
didn't say anything
about frozen waffles.

That's because
she doesn't know
the secret.

There you go.

Chew on this for
a while, little Ed.

Yeah, it's going to
make those gums
feel better.

Mmm...

Ugh.

He's slobbering.

That's why I use
a waffle--

It's got all those
built-in drool cups.

You don't
need a bib.

Oh, gross.

I can't
watch this.

You don't listen
to them, little Ed.

You go ahead
and dribble.

You're a Conner man.

N- .

N- .

Got it.

Got it.

Got it.

Ooh, got it.

O- .

O- .

Yep.

Now we're cookin'.

Now we're movin'.

Now we're--

I don't suppose
we could do this
in silence.

O great spirit
of bingo,

I've given you
my first-born child.

Now you must give me
my number!

N- .

Ha ha ha ha.

N- .

Roseanne,
pull back, baby.

Oh, I'm just having
some fun with Endora here.

Give me that.
Give me that!

I cannot believe
the phone at your house
is still busy, Roseanne.

Oh, Crystal, don't worry.
Everything's fine.

Either the girls
are on the phone
with their friends,

Or, you know,
they're holding for .

I don't find that funny.

Oh, lighten up, Crystal.
He's fine.

He's months old,
Roseanne.

I worry about him.

That's what
good mothers do.

If you're such
a good mother,

then why did
you leave him
with my kids?

B- .

B- .

Roseanne, you been
marking my cards?

Well, I thought,
you know,

Anne Marie
was doing it.

She asked you to do it.

Did you
get anything?

Well, yeah.
Look at the board.

B- .

B- .

I only asked you--

Bingo!

I got bingo!
I got bingo!

Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes!

All right,
everyone hold your cards

until we
verify the bingo.

Ha!

Where are you going?

I'm changing my seat.

Wait. I think you're
good luck for me.

I'm coming with you.

Get away from me!
I can't stand you!

We have a bingo!

Here's your voucher.

All right.

You collect your money
on the way out.

The cashier's
at the door.

Great! Bucks!

Happy bingo dance.

O.k., I'm beat.
I'm leaving.

Me, too.

No!

Roseanne, I don't
want to play anymore.

You don't have to.
Just sit here
and watch me win.

Bye, Roseanne.

Well, Crystal will
stay with me then.
Where is she?

Maybe she went to
the bathroom again.

Her purse and coat
are gone.

I didn't see her leave.

She's my ride.
Why would she leave me?

Maybe that's
her little way
of ditching you.

Oh, great.
Now I got to quit

and find out
what the hell's
the matter with her.

You take her.

I don't want to.

She's on your way.

She won bucks.
She can take a cab.

One of you
is taking me home.

I ain't taking you.

[Knock on door]

Hey, Crystal.

Where's Roseanne?

Still at bingo.

Oh, hi, little Ed.

Did you miss me, honey?

Did you eat?

Did you take
a little nap?

Good to see he isn't
talking to you, either.

I thought he was
snubbing me.

Where's Becky and Darlene?
I'm supposed to pay them.

Pay D.J.
He fed little Ed,
he played with him,

He even gave him
his old bear.

That's wonderful, D.J.

Here's $ . for being
such a responsible
young man.

All right!

Yeah. Go show
your sisters.

Make sure you rub
that in real good.

How come you didn't
bring Roseanne home
with you?

I left early.

How's she going
to get home?

I don't care.

Don't tell me
you two had a fight.

O.k., Dan, I won't.
You don't have
to know anything,

so you don't have
to do anything about it.

Just like your father.

So was it tequila night
down at st. Benedict's?

Hey! Why did you
leave me down there?

You were
in your glory, Roseanne.

I didn't want
to interrupt.

Cut the crap, Crystal.
So what's your problem?

Forget it.

I was having
a great time
down there--

Oh, how about that?

I thought playing bingo

was just another one
of Crystal's stupid ideas.

After I won bucks,
it got funner.

Bucks?
Are you going to retire,

or will you go
to your job tomorrow
like nothing happened?

I was just teasing.
That's the way we are.

It's the way you are,
always have been.

Ever since high school,

Everything I do
is stupid.

Everything I say
is stupid.

Even the way I raise
my kids is stupid.

You're way
overexaggerating now.

When you're
not telling me
how stupid I am,

you're criticizing me
or making fun of me,

and when you're not
doing that you're
just ignoring me.

I do not ignore you.

How long did it take
before you'd realized that
I left the bingo parlor?

O.k.

All right.

I'm sorry, o.k.?

Oh. Fine.

"I'm sorry."

That's supposed to
make up for years.

What was that?

Crystal's mad.

I've never seen her
like that, ever.

She yelled at me,
and I was being
adorable.

you really must have
done something
to tick her off.

I swear I didn't
do anything.

Come on, Roseanne,
what did you do?

Dan I did not treat
her any different
than I always do.

Well, you better
go apologize then.

If she had some complaint

against the way
I've been treating her
all these years,

how come
she waits till now
to say something?

I'm easy to talk to.
I listen.

O.k., I'll call her
tomorrow and apologize.

That a girl.

How was bingo?

Man,
it was incredible.

It was such a rush.

Yeah? Did you win?

Uh, no.

If Crystal's not
returning your calls,

then you should see her.

No. Why should I?

Hey, Louise.

Because you're upset.

No, I'm not upset.
She's the one
that's upset.

I've been
a very good friend
to Crystal

ever since
the eighth grade.

I've been
with her through
four husbands.

Hey, Peg.

Yo, Ro.

And when she decided

she was getting married
to Dan's dad,

I put the entire wedding
together, did I not?

Hey, Lloyd.

How do you know
these people?

I've been playing
the church circuit
here.

This here's
the best game.

It's got
the big pots,

and the numbers
come fast.

Stick close to me
'cause things
could get hairy.

Hairy? This is the game

where you put the bean
on the card, right?

Hey!

Arnie, what are you
doing here?

I'm going to be
the caller.

Ha! You're kidding me.

No, no.

There's lots of money
in bingo.

The problem is all
the callers are boring.

I'll make it fun.

I'll become a celebrity.

Then I'll become
Mr. Bingo.

Then I'll open my own
indian reservation

and make a hell
of a lot of money.

What do you think
about that?

Well, let's start with
you're not an indian.

I'll convert.

I just want
to thank you

for volunteering
to do this.

Anything I can do
for the community,
padre.

I saw
the sign outside,

And it only says
"bingo."

How are people
going to know
I'm here?

That man saw you naked.

Shut up.

You think you spent
enough money on bingo cards?

I did not
come to lose.

You are getting
very weird here, Roseanne.

I am not.

What's with
all the lighters?

They're just sort of,
you know, for luck.

Oh, you're kidding me.

No, everybody does it.

It's just for fun.
It doesn't mean nothing.

It's not like
I need them or anything.

You can take one
if you want.

Not the yellow one!

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to bingo night
here at the fabulous
St. Benny's.

I'm your host and caller
Arnie thomas,
reminding you

that even though
you're in the presence
of the savior,

don't save your money
because it goes
to charity.

Just call the numbers.

Coming right up.

But before I call out
this number,

are there any honeymooners
in the crowd tonight?

Being here at bingo
reminds me of a funny story.

Let's go!

O.k., all right!

Hey.

I- !

I- !

Hell,
I only got that
on three cards.

Wouldn't it be
really funny

if we both yelled out
"bingo" right now?

Oh, that would be
so beyond dumb, Jackie.

Come on, Arnie.
Come on, Arnie.

Come on, Arnie.

B- !

B- !

. Yeah. That's better,
that's better.

You are scary.

I'm trying
to concentrate.

You're obsessed.

Get out of here.

O- .

O- .

Just kidding!
It's actually - !

Bingo humor!

[Yelling]
[screaming]

I'm working the room!
Excuse me!

I have seen you
like this before.

Roseanne,
you're addicted.

Oh, please!

No, I'm serious.

You've spent the last
five nights at bingo.

So?

When you started
smoking again,

You were doing
two packs a day
in a week.

It's the same thing.

Oh, get out of here.
It's just about
having fun.

You're hooked!
Admit it!

Bingo is fun!

No, it's not!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

[Cheering]

O.k., that was fun.

[Knock on door]

Come in.

Hey.

Hello, Roseanne.

Hello, little Ed.

Hello.

Look what you left over
at my house

The other day.

That's real nice
of you, Roseanne.

Thanks for
dropping that by.

Well...

You know, I just--

I didn't want it
to look like

I just came over
to apologize,
you know.

I mean, I--I
could've brought
your blender back,

but it's broken.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry
I didn't call you back
all this time.

Yeah, well, let's not
do this anymore,
o.k., Crystal?

We've been friends
for too long.

Yes, we have.

I was thinking
about what you said.

And you're right.
I make fun of you
too much.

I won't anymore.
I Promise.

Ha! Of course you will.

No. I'm not going to.
I Promise.

Roseanne...

I'm pregnant again.

Is this a test?

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

That's why I got
so crazy on you.

My hormones
sort of have a mouth
of their own.

Well, why didn't
you tell me?

'Cause you were being
a big, stupid jerk.

I guess that's
your hormones
talking again, huh?

I can't believe it.
We were using
birth control.

And--and
I wasn't getting
my time of the month

since I've been nursing,

and all of a sudden,
I started
getting symptoms,

And...

Why did this
happen to me, Roseanne?

Oh, Crystal.

I got a -month-old baby

and a husband
who's never home

and a teenage son
who's real hard to love
a lot of the time.

And look at this place.

How am I going to deal
with another baby?

Well...

Maybe this one
will be the girl
you always wanted.

Maybe.

I wish Ed was around
to help a little more.

Well, I think
Ed's done enough.

You know, me and Dan
are here for you, Crystal,

and so is Becky
and Darlene,

even though they
don't kind of know it yet.

I mean, even D.J.
Can help out, you know.

Everything will be
fine, Crystal.

You'll see.

Thank you, Roseanne.

Ohh...

Want some decaf?

Yeah.
That would be great.

Oh, little Ed,
you sit up.

I did try to call you
back last night.

Oh, yeah. I was out
playing bingo.

Again?

Yeah.

I've been playing
most every night,

you know,

But this saturday,
that's the big game.

And then that's it.
I'm quitting on sunday.

Monday, for sure.

* Down came the rain
and washed the spider out *

* Up come the sun-- **

Hey.

Yo.

Where's Roseanne?

One guess.

Oh, god.
You're kidding!

We were supposed to
go to a movie.

It was weird.
We were watching
television,

And this commercial
for this cereal came on.

The guy talked about
all the vitamins
it had--

B- , b- , b- ...

I turned around,
and she was gone.

Dan, we have a problem.

People who get addicted
to this type of stuff,

They change.

They become completely
different people.

I- .

I- .

N- .

N- .

That's all I need.

One more number.

N- .

N...

...

!

Ohh!

Grab her.
Hold her.
Hug her.

Tell her
that you love her.

It's for your
own good, Roseanne.

[Dan]
it's o.k., folks.

I only need
one more number!