04x11 - Kansas City, Here We Come

[bunniefuu]

That's ... ... .

It's my daughter's
first job.

I'm making her
a scrapbook.

Mother are you going come in
and humiliate me every day?

No, just till
it ain't fun no more.

Becky, you look
so cute in your
little smock.

I was at her birth.

She weighed no more
than this head
of lettuce.

Just k*ll me now.

Thanks a lot.

O.k., o.k., my turn.

And I've got coupons!

Whoo-hoo!

You know these paper
towels are on sale.

Yep, for . .

Ooh, she's good!

What's this?

Grapes.

This is three grapes.

How can I charge you
for this?

I ate about
seven or eight of them.

I believe I also
had four grapes.

So charge me for, what,
, , grapes.

We charge by the pound,
not the grape.

I know what
I weighed before
eating the grapes.

I'll climb
on this scale...

Mom, stop it.
People are waiting in line.

Becky?

What's the problem here?

Nothing, Howard.
Everything's fine.

You've got customers
and a belt that's not moving.

Make it move.

O.k., I'm sorry.

Becky, if this job's
too much for you,

I can get somebody
competent to take over.

Howard the longer
you stand here
and insult me,

The longer it'll
take to check these
people through.

If you go back to
your manager cage,

We can both
get our work done.

That's a keeper.

No, mother, you've
done the right thing.

I've been telling you
to do that the whole time.

You should have kicked
his sorry butt out
before thanksgiving.

I know he's my father,

But he's like
every other man--

A lying sack of dirt.

No, you'll be fine.

What did he
ever do for you?

He knocked you up twice

And took the garbage out
on thursdays.

Should we erect a statue?

No, I won't talk to him.

That man
is a giant pile of crap.

No, I'm not yelling.

I'm just saying
you did the right thing.

Yes, you did!

So what if you've got
adjacent burial plots?

That's no reason
to stay married to somebody.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love you, too.

Well, call me
if you need anything.

All right. Bye.

Boy, what a day I had.

My father's little affair
in Kansas City

has been going on
for years.

Not , .

Whoa.

Did your mom
throw him out?

Of course. She doesn't
have the strength

To drive some ice pick
through his skull

And drag his lifeless body
to some shallow grave.

Sounds like you've
thought this through.

I like to think ahead.

How come the kids
ain't eating with us?

Becky's still at work,
D.J.'s eating at Todd's,

And Darlene's in her room
sacrificing a chicken
or whatever.

Macaroni and cheese!

Together again.

Your phone's
been busy for an hour.

I been on with mom.

Yeah? How's she doing?

There won't be a bottle
of chardonnay

Left in moline
by morning.

What do you guys
got going tonight?

Well, we'll sit in here
until dinner's over.

Then we'll go
sit in there.

I got an overnight haul
to Topeka.

I was going to stop
through Kansas City

And check out
dad's mistress.

What am I thinking, huh?

I don't believe you.

He told me her name.

I looked it up
in information
and got her address.

It's totally insane.
Are you coming?

Why would I
want to do that?

Dad's been having
an affair with her
for years.

I want to see
what she looks like.

What would we even
say to this woman?

We can figure that out
on the way down there.

No way!

O.k. This little trip
will make a great story,

And you'll just
be the big wuss
at the very beginning.

I'm not going.

O.k., fine.

I'll see you
tomorrow night.

She has no business
going to see this woman.

Driving all the way
to Kansas City for what?

They make great barbecue
sauce in Kansas City.

I'll bring you back some.

* On the road again *

* Da da da da da da da *

* Road again *

* Da da da da da da da *

* Da da da da da da da **

Sing with me, Jackie.

I don't know
da da da da road again.

What's this button for?

Don't touch that!

Just stop
distracting me.

I'm operating
a -ton vehicle

at well past
the legal
speed limit.

O.k.

Can I drive?

No!

You begged me to come
and now you're mean.

Did not. Am not.

Did, too. Are, too.

Just because
I called dad a lying scum.

Everything is just so
black and white to you.

Did you consider that
mom drove him to it?

She drove him crazy.
She made him nuts.

She drove me crazy, too,

but I didn't have
another mom
stashed on the side.

What will we say
to this Joan woman?

We'll ask
what kind of woman

would steal
a man away from
his happy family.

Where were you living?

We were never happy.

Maybe we would have been

if she'd left dad alone.

Now you're being
unfair, Jackie.

What woman
could rightly turn down

a patio furniture salesman

who cleaned out his ears
with his car keys?

You just
don't get it, do you?

Yeah, I do get it.

First it's mom's fault,
then it's this woman's fault.

When is it going to be
dad's fault, Jackie?

There's a word for this,
and it's called denial.

I don't want to
talk about it, o.k.?

Well, you started it.

Well, I'm stopping it.

O.k., o.k.

You want to play
I spy again?

No.

License plate poker?

No.

O.k.

Knock, knock.

Come on.

Oh, who's there?

Cleopatra.

Cleopatra who?

Cleopatra,
queen of denial.

Shut up!

God, you're such a grump.

Anybody want
a pudding cup?

No.

God, I'm so bored.

Let's moon somebody.

Nah.

It's too cold.

Oh, look, a volkswagen.

Slug bug!

Come on.
How old are you?

Grow up.

It's not like we're
years old anymore.

Cadillac whack!

I didn't hit you
that hard.

That's for that trip
to Gettysburg

we took together
when we were little.

That was
the worst trip ever.

I know, I know.

Every car
that passed us

you beat the crap
out of me.

Miles
in a station wagon.

Just so dad could see
cannonballs in a pile.

Mom said there
would be rides.

They were such liars.

The trip back
was good, though.

We were making all that
noise until dad screamed,

"Not another word!"

Then we started making
all those animal noises.

[Imitating monkeys]

Dad's yelling at us,
mom's yelling at us,

and the whole time

neither one of them
said a word
to each other.

They never said a word
to each other

unless it was about
us kids fighting
or getting in trouble.

Which we did a lot.

Yeah, we had to.

We were trying
to save their marriage.

Dodge.

Dodge what?

Dodge this.

Ow!

God!

Dad, I hate my life!

Tough day, honey?

My jobs sucks and my
boss is big dumb jerk.

That's too bad, dear.

And I can't quit,

Because there's never
any money around here
for anything I want.

Sorry, sweetheart.

If you expect me
to clean up this rathole,
you're nuts.

I'm taking a bath
and going to bed.

Night, Rosie.

Hey, dad.

Hey, Deej.
How was dinner over
at Todd's house?

It was great.
They had cloth napkins
and everything.

No way.

Yeah. You want one?

Deej,
you can't do that.

Mrs. Bowman
gave it to me.

She did not.

After I blew
my nose on it,

She said to keep it.

Way to go, Deej.

Next time, aim for
their big screen TV set.

You finally get
that wooden stake
out of your heart?

Becky's upstairs crying.
I didn't want
to stick around.

What's wrong?

I promised I wouldn't tell.

You lied.

O.k. She stood up
to her boss

and he busted her
down to bag girl

and called her--

a bad word.

How bad a word?

Bad.

The "b" word?

Worse.

The "f" word?

Deej!

The "l" word?

What's the "l" word?

I don't know.

What's the "f" word?

D.J.

All right,
Darlene, what word?

I'll k*ll him.

Dad, you're not
supposed to know.

Hey, accidents happen.

A can of creamed corn
could fall on his head

as many times
as it takes.

* On the road again
da da da da da *

* On the road again **

Honk honk!

That's enough.
Move over.

I brought you
a doughnut.

How was the bathrooms?

O.k., if you breath
through your mouth.

I think I'll wait
till Kansas City.

Aren't you
going to have nothing?

No, I'm going
to try to sleep.

We made good time.
No need to press it.

I want to sleep, too.

You sleep up here.

I can't sleep sitting up
unless I'm at work.

Well, there's
not enough room
back here, Roseanne.

There is so, Jackie.
There's plenty of room.

No, come on.

Give it a shot.

Ow!

Move.

Ow! Roseanne.

Come on.

Come on.

I feel like I'm and
the bunk bed collapsed.

O.k., scoot down now.

Scoot down there.
Scoot down.

Scoot down more.

O.k., this is great.

Is it o.k. for you?

No.

Turn over this way.

Go over, like,
to face me, you know?

It's hot.

Get your head straight.

Bend your knees.

There.

Quit breathing
all over me.

I can't. Go on,
get out of here.

Go on.

Fine.

Give me a minute.

Roseanne?

What?

I'm sorry I've been
such a grump all day.

That's o.k.

It's just that...

you know, I do think
that it is...

kind of dad's fault.

Well, welcome back,
Jackie.

He and I were
just so close.

Now I don't
feel like
I can trust him.

That's what
really stinks.

What I can't understand

is how mom didn't know
about this for years.

This woman could hear me
unwrapping a hershey bar

up in my bedroom closet.

He had a great cover.

He was a traveling
salesman.

He was on the road
all the time.

He had those hunting trips
and fishing trips...

Conventions.

Yeah.

Roseanne...

Dad could have kids
with this woman.

They would be, like,
Darlene's age.

Oh, man, that would
serve him right.

Are you Howard?

Yeah, can I help
you?

I have a problem.

Actually,
it's your problem.

I'm Becky Conner's father.

Oh, no.

If you got
to demote somebody

for not doing their job,
I understand that.

But nobody talks to
my daughter like you did.
Got that?

Yes.

You going
to hit me, too?

Becky hit you?

No, thug-boy
over there.

Look, I already
promised him

I'd apologize
to Becky the minute
she walked in.

I'm making her
cashier again.

So what more
do you people
want from me?

I don't know yet.
I'll get back to you.

Excuse me.

Hey. Hey.
What the hell's
going on here?

Everything's
under control.

You can go home now.

I don't want to go home.

Did you hit that guy?

Damn right I did.

What gives you
the right to do that?

Well, I'm her boyfriend.

Well,
I'm her father.

So now you're mad at me?

No, not really.

So what's the problem?

The problem is, maybe
I wanted to hit him.

So hit him.

Well, no.

You ruined it.

I'm sorry. I was here,
so I hit him.

Check with me first.

If I don't
want to hit him,
you can hit him.

If I'd wanted to,

It would have been nice
if I could have.

I only hit him once
in the gut.

He puke?

No, but he wanted to.

So I guess
I'm done here.

I'll hang around
and make sure

This Howard guy
apologizes to her.

O.k.

Good work.

No problem.

If I'd have hit him,
he'd have puked.

There it is.
Joan Crenshaw. -D.

That's it.
That's the door.

Joan Crenshaw,
the other woman.

Roseanne,
I just had a thought.

What if dad's in there?

I mean, what if they're,
like, doing it?

They've been together
years.

They don't do it anymore.

No, I think it's--
it's a bad idea.

We should just go.

We came all this way.
Let's see this woman.

What are we
going to say to her?

Hello.
Can I help you?

Uh...

Are you, uh,
Mrs. Felgred?

No. You have
the wrong apartment.

Well, um,
is there a Mrs. Felgred
in this building?

I don't think so.

Well, sorry
we bothered you.

No problem.

You didn't find out
anything.

Like what?

Like does she
have any kids?

Will she
marry dad?

That would've blown
my whole Felgred thing.

Excuse me.

You're Roseanne and
Jackie, aren't you?

What do you think?
Are we?

Your father showed
me your pictures.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, we, uh...

Well, we never
thought of that.

Came to
check me out?

We're real sorry
we bothered you.

No, it's o.k.

I knocked on your
mother's door once

For the same reason.

Would you come in?

The place is a mess.

Well, maybe...

No, we've got
a truckload of stuff

we've got to get
somewhere.

Maybe some other time.

All right.

Listen, I never
asked your father
to leave your mom.

O.k.

I just wanted you
to know that.

O.k. Bye.

Why didn't you
want to talk to her?

I don't know. I...

She just seemed
so nice,

And I'm not ready
to like her yet.

Yeah.

Hey, are you o.k.?

Yeah, I'm all right.

Can I drive?

No.

Your mom called
times today.

I wasn't sure you
wanted her to know,

So I said you were
at the -eleven
all day.

Good thinking, Dan.

I don't know
what to tell her, either.

Dad's got somebody nice,
and she's got nobody.

I give her six months alone
before she moves in here.

Where will I live, dear?

You've got sauce
on your chin.

I know. I'm saving it
for later.

[Knock on door]

Come in.

Hey.

Hey, Mark.

Becky ready yet?

Becky! She'll be down
in a minute.

Cool. Hey, mrs. Conner.

Uhhh.

He comes in
the back door like family?

You guys buddies now?

He's sitting on the couch.

I hate
when he does that.

I'm gone one day and
everything goes to hell.

You'd have been proud
of that kid today.

Why? What did he do,
volunteer for sterilization?

No, he beat up
Becky's boss.

No.

The kid called her
something nasty,

And Mark let him
have it.

That is so cool.

Yeah.

How come you didn't
beat up the creep?

I would have,
but I got there late.

Aw, Dan.

Hey, you think
I'm not sick about it?

I had stuff to do
at the shop.

What's he got to do,
smoke a cigarette?

Of course
he got there first.

Oh, I'm sorry, Dan.

I know you would have
did it if you could have.

This is the first thing
he's ever done

to show
he cares about her.
a : , --] : : ,
I also had to
make D.J. Breakfast.

Maybe you ought to
throw him some more work,

because maybe this guy
is the guy.

You beat him up?

That's why he apologized?

You can't walk in there
like some dumb animal

and beat up my boss.

Wait.
The guy called you--

I know what he called me.

I can take care of myself.

Now his apology
means nothing.

I just thought--

You didn't think.
You never think.

O.k., o.k., we'll be
late for this party.

Don't you get it?

I'm not going with you
to some stupid party.

Now, get out!

Fine.

See you, Mark.

Yeah.

I miss him already.