04x09 - Stressed to k*ll

[bunniefuu]

Mom wants you
to set the table.

I'm working
on my paper.

Yeah, right.
What's the topic,

Larry, the unsung stooge?

No. Columbus--
heroic explorer or
scumball from Spain?

Man, you must
really want to go
to summer school, huh?

It's totally bogus.
He was a sl*ve trader.

Do they want the truth,

Or do they want me to
spit back the textbook?

Who's the
teacher?

Grayson.

Oh. Spit.

High school's
just learning lies
and telling lies.

Then
how come you ain't
getting any As?

We'll be eating
in five minutes,

and after two
or three helpings,

people might notice
that there's
no silverware.

One minute.

Mmm. What
smells good?

Prime rib, baked potatoes,

and all the trimmings.

Hey, that
does smell good.

What are we having?

Something I need
scissors for.

Darlene,
set the table!

Coming!

I got a call
from Stan Becker
this morning.

Oh, gee,
that reminds me--

Stan Becker
called yesterday.

He mentioned that.

Anyway,
he's remodeling
the pizza barn,

His regular
drywaller
bailed on him,

So he offered me
a buttload of money
to do the job.

I said I don't
do that anymore.

He says
he's heard it's slow
at the shop,

And he's in a bind.

He made me promise
to talk it over with you.

What do you think?

Sorry. I kind of
quit listening

right after
buttload of money.

O.k., things are slow
at the shop,

But if I start
drywalling again,

I'll feel like
a total washout.

Well, we do what
we got to do, Dan.

If we didn't
settle for less
every so often,

me and you
would be married
to other people.

I don't know. I got
to think about it.

Oh, don't do that.

I'm serious. Grayson's
the summer school king.

You don't give him
what he wants,

You're looking
at eight weeks in
a moron steam bath.

I don't know what
he wants, Becky.

It's easy.

Let's see.

Columbus was looking
for a new trade route
to China.

He found San Salvador.

And slaughtered, like,
thousands of people.

Well, you can
throw that in,

But don't make
a big deal out of it.

Look, Darlene, if you want,

I'll help you
with your paper
after dinner.

Why are you doing
this, Becky?

'Cause you're
my sister.

And because I don't
want to support you

After mom and dad
are dead.

Better get going, Dan.
You're going to be late.

Oh, don't you
look cute.

These overalls
are all stiff
and scratchy.

That's 'cause
we never washed them
after your last job.

Once you get
a good sweat going,
they'll loosen up.

Now, you play nice
with all those other
little drywallers.

There are no other
drywallers,

just me and a wall
and failure.

O.k., well,
here's your lunch.

Thanks for juggling
your schedule
at the mall

so you could
cover for me here.

It's nice here.
Nobody ever comes in
and bothers me.

What else you got,
Barney?

How about a set
of long-nose
locking pliers?

-Piece
screwdriver kit?

No, I don't want
to mess around

with lots
of dinky parts.

Dan's depressed.

I need one thing
that'll really
cheer him up,

Like a great big,
loud, shiny,
grinding thing

That cuts stuff up.

Yeah, or...

sh**t stuff
up in the air.

Yeah,
with a handle.

You got anything
like that?

Oh, look at--here.

"Heavy-duty
air hammer."

Is it red?

No, it's black,
but it comes in
a big red box.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Hey.

Hey, girls.

All right.
With the box,
it'll be . .

I'll pick up
the tax.

We're short on cash
right now.

It's all right.
I can wait.

Well, you will.

I'll drop it by later.
See you, Rosie.

Thanks a lot,
Barney.

Nice meeting you,
Jackie.

Yeah.
Thanks, Barney.

No cash, huh?
Guess I can't do
the grocery shopping.

Ha ha.

Well, you're
not getting off
that easy. Nope.

I want you
to also stop by
the drugstore--

Here's
the tickets--

And pick up
my photos
from Vegas.

Anything else, mother?

Yeah. If you get
a second,

Dump that Mark guy.

So are you going
to tell her?

No.

[Roseanne]
what?

Nothing.

Come on, Darlene.
If I'm going to court,

I better get something
dry cleaned.

She got a "B" on
her history paper.

A "B"!

All right, Darlene!

Let me see!
Let me see!

It's no big deal.

What are you talking
about? It is so!

It's a "B"! A "B."

A "B."

Becky,
go to the store
and get a cake

because we're going
to have ourselves
a party.

Aw, what the hell.
Get one that was
baked today.

Mom, stop it.

This is a great thing.

I'm thinking of hanging
it up in the bathroom

where your daddy
can sit and admire it.

A "B"!

On the road
to honor roll!

This is all
such a load.

What's the matter?
How come you're
not happy?

Why would I be happy?

Darlene, it was
a good paper.
Relax, o.k.?

I guess you'd know,
wouldn't you?

What's going on?

Nothing. I just
helped Darlene with
her paper a little.

She wrote the whole thing.
Have a party for her.

I'll be in the car.

You wrote it?

Well, yeah, but I--

You only got a "B"?

What'd you do that for?

I was trying
to help her.

Aren't we all supposed
to be helping Darlene?

That doesn't help her, Becky.

Darlene doesn't
do anything.

If you do
everything for her,

She'll never
come out of this.

I kept her
from flunking, mother.

She conned you
into doing it so
she didn't have to.

Even D.J. Could've
seen that coming.

That's really
stupid, Becky.

Great. I help her
and get yelled at.
It's so typical.

Don't give me
that martyr crap.

When did you
ever buy me a cake

for bringing home
a decent grade

or helping out D.J.
or doing the laundry

or any of the other
million things I do

while Darlene
sits around and sucks up
all the attention?

Brother.

Yeah.

Oh, man,
I really wanted
that "B"!

I know, I know,
and you deserved it,
Roseanne.

You worked hard for it.

My life is crap.

Now, things
will turn around.
You'll see.

Darlene will be fine,

And Dan will be fine,

And we'll buy Becky
a new power tool,

And she'll be fine.

Jackie, would you
go across the street
and get me a soda?

Sure. Yeah, sure.
Of course.

What do you want,
something diet?

Oh, don't make it
worse, Jackie.

Yeah. Be right back.

Forgot my wallet.

[Cough cough]

You o.k.?

Yeah, you just
scared me.

You need money?
Here, take my purse.

O.k. You sure
you're o.k.?

Yeah.

And bring back some ice.

Why?

Just bring back
some cold ice.

O.k.

Aah! Ow!

Mom,

What's this word?

"Handkerchief."

You stink!

I do not.

You smell like smoke.

Well, my hair
was on fire.

Damn.

[Flushes]

Hello.

Hi.

I didn't expect you
home so soon.

Naw. Me, either.

Finished earlier
than I thought.

How were things
at the shop?

Uh, slow.

How was your day?

Not nearly as bad
as I thought.
Saw old friends.

Stan offered me
some more work
next week.

I said, "no."
he said, "please."

I gave him
an insanely high
estimate.

He says, "o.k."

Mmm. Good.

The architect
stopped by.

We were
talking about bikes.

He wants to see
that new Harley
I just finished.

Things could be
a lot worse.

On the way home, I
stopped at the shop,

checked out
my new present.

We thought it
would be perfect.
Did you like it?

I loved it.

Can you use it?

You kidding? Can't
build a quonset hut
without one.

Well, he said
he'd take it back
if you want.

No, no. It's
special to me.

Oh, listen,
one more thing.

Yeah,
what's up?

Are you smoking
menthol or those
charcoal tips?

I'm not smoking.

Oh, come on, Roseanne,
your hair smells
like smoke.

People in
the restaurant
smoke.

Your clothes smell.
The toothpaste
and the mouthwash?

Dentists say--

How long?

O.k. Well...
I don't know.

Ever since
I had to buy Becky
birth control pills.

Ever since
Darlene turned
into vegetable dip.

Ever since you
opened that shop.

Ever since I have to
work two jobs.

It's just been
a real sucky year, Dan.

It's either
smoke or eat.

You don't want me
to gain back all
the weight I lost.

You're right.
Keep smoking.

I like my women
skinny and
hawking up tar.

Well, it's not like
you don't come home
every night

and have
two or three beers.

You're right.

Yeah, and it's not
like you don't sit

in the living room,
watching TV,

and pig out
on garbage.

No argument there.

Where do you get off
being all high
and mighty?

I don't smoke.

You taught me to.

And made you quit.

I'll quit again.

When?

I'll get back
to you.

When?

I got to get through
the holidays.

I'm also the one
that came up
with that excuse.

I said I'm gonna
quit!

Why should I
believe you?

Now you're calling me
a liar?

You been smoking
secretly how
many months now?

Well, that doesn't
make me a liar.

Well, wait a minute.
What does it make you?

Sneaky.

You did, too,
order salami.
Yes, you did.

Then why'd you take
a big old bite
out of it?

Oh, she's doing
much better, Dan.

Yeah.

Eat it
or wear it!

Well, she's
a little cranky,

But I haven't let her
have a cigarette

all day long.

Hey, no problem.
She's my friend.

Just chat away
while I run

the whole damn
restaurant
by myself.

Look, I got to go.

Check back with me
later. Bye.

Oh, do you work here?

Oh, are you having
another nicotine fit?

Yeah, I guess so.

Sorry. Give me a minute.
I know it'll pass.

Look, why don't you
just relax?

Tell you what,
you make the coffee.

I'll take
that table.

Sure, hog
all the tips.

Afternoon.

Where's your uniform,
Roseanne?

Blblblt!

Can I help you?

Uh, yeah.
Which is better,

The tuna salad
or egg salad?

Tuna salad, egg salad,
chicken salad,

Turkey salad,
shrimp salad--

What difference
does it make?

It's all just different
words for mayonnaise.
Pick one.

Excuse us.

That certainly was an ugly
little incident there,

Wasn't it, Roseanne?

I'm trying
to quit smoking.

It's hard
in the beginning.

I didn't know
you smoked.

Yeah. I quit
nine years ago,

But I had
a rough year
and started again.

Now it's like
I never quit.
Dan's ticked off--

Whoops. Whoops,
I'm sorry. My fault.

I expressed an interest
in your life.

I had that coming.

What I meant
to say, Roseanne,

Is that this is
a luncheonette,

Not the betty ford
clinic.

Be psychotic
on your own time.

I'm on a break.

Believe it or not, Roseanne,
you're going to be o.k.

Hey, this is worse
than PMS.

With PMS,
it only lasts
a couple of days,

And it's way worse
on everybody else

Than it is on me,
o.k.?

I know
how you feel.

I know you're my friend.

Could you cover
for me while I go
to the bathroom?

Sure, o.k.
You got it.

Let me see that purse.

There's nothing
in there.

Just let me look.

You don't have to look.
Stay out of it.

Why do you
need your purse
in the bathroom?

It's none of your beeswax!

O.k., I think
it's time

We all put our heads
on our desk

And had a little
quiet time.

She won't let me go
to the bathroom!

Roseanne.

She's got
cigarettes
in her purse.

Roseanne goes
to the bathroom.

The purse
stays here.

Fine!

I'll just get
my coat.

Roseanne...

Darlene could you give me
a hand folding these.

Not my turn.

I got to pick up D.J.
At soccer practice and I
still got two more loads.

It's the least
you can do.

No. This is
the least I could do.

You are such an ass.

I thought you weren't
talking to me, Becky.

I help you
with your paper,

And you get me
nailed for it.

I apologized for that
yesterday.

I didn't ask for help.
You felt sorry for me.

I don't need your pity.

Are you kidding?
You're begging for it.

"Oh, high school's
too hard.

My friends
don't like me.
Nobody understands me."

Then do something about
it, you little wimp.

Shut up. Beck you don't know
what you're talking about.

Oh, of course not,

'Cause you're so
complex, you're so deep.

Well, that's crap.

You're just a whiny
little basket case

who's milking
this depression thing
for all it's worth.

So here it is,
in the afternoon,

and you get to do
exactly what you want.

Excuse me. I got
a zillion chores to do,

Or mom and dad
will kick my butt.

Oh, a bad day.

I know.

A bad, bad day.

I know.

Ohh, bad day.

Uh-huh.

So go on,

Tell me
what happened.

Oh, then I called Leon
a giant doody face,

and he sent me home.

Did you smoke?

No, I didn't smoke.

I did, however,
eat , pickle chips.

Thanks for
the warning, dear.

I'm an
obsessive-compulsive,
addictive mess, Dan.

I can't do anything
just a little bit.

I find something I like,
then totally overdo it,

Like smoking, eating...

Thank god
for birth control.

Amen.

I don't know
if I can quit this time.

Last time, I had
a really good reason.

I was pregnant with D.J.

What reason
do I have now?

'Cause I love you.
I want you with me
a long time.

We're talking
about me now, Dan.

Sorry.
I was just trying
to be wonderful.

I know, and you are.

The problem's
just me.

I blame the kids,
I blame money,
but that's all bull.

The problem's me.
I'm just weak.

That's why
I married you--

'Cause you're
so weak and frail.

Don't mind me.

I just came
to get the hamper.

Continue with
your foreplay.

Why are you
getting the
hamper?

To do laundry.

Isn't it
Becky's day?

Yeah, well,
I owe her one.

I owe her one,
too, Dan.

Get off me. Ohh.

Hey.

What are you doing?

I put gas in the car,

Picked up D.J.
from soccer practice.

Now I'm doing nothing.

Is that o.k.?

Cool.

Well...

I Sure yelled at you
yesterday, huh?

For no reason.

Well, for no
good reason.

You should've been
yelling at Darlene.

Well, you know,
I'd love to yell
at Darlene,

But she'd just go
up in her room
and hide.

I like yelling
at you more

'Cause you're fun.
You yell back.

I was trying to help.

I know it.

And you just
gave me grief for it.

I know.

Well, you're always
tiptoeing around
Darlene, you know?

And nobody wants
to upset her.

So I do everything
and get nothing.

You...are right.

So what do I get?

You're just going to
go right for it,
aren't you?

Well, it kind of
feels like my moment.

Well, what
do you want?

I--

I'd really like it

if you'd invite Mark
to thanksgiving.

You know, let him
meet the family,

kind of
make it official.

How about cash?

Mother.

O.k., but he is
neither to smoke

nor to have
sex with you
in my house.

Deal.

Good.

I don't need
cigarettes, man.

My kids will k*ll me.

Do we have to
watch this movie?

It's a classic,
Roseanne.

How come they
get to smoke
and I don't?

'Cause they
didn't know anything
in the thirties.

Look. The men are
all wearing hats.

They're sure enjoying
smoking them cigarettes,
ain't they?

Well,
they're probably
all dead now.

So maybe the hats
k*lled them.

I want a cigarette.

No. Have
another carrot.

Oh, thanks.

So how long's
it been?

Four days.

[Crunches loudly]

Mmm. I guess
I just never
really understood

the whole
addiction thing.

When I had to quit,
it was no big deal,

and I never
felt the urge to
go back to it again.

Well, good for you!

We shouldn't even
be sitting here
watching TV.

TV's the way
my generation learned
to smoke, anyhow.

Oh, come on,
Roseanne.

It's true, Jackie.

Lucy smoked.

Desi smoked.

Ward smoked.

Uh, make room
for daddy smoked.

Gomez and Morticia
smoked.

Maxwell Smart smoked.

. The Chief.

Hymie,
and he was a robot,
but he smoked.

Patty smoked.

Kathy didn't.

I know,
but they made her
into a huge nerd.

Rob smoked.

Laura smoked.

Buddy, Sally, Jerry.

Millie smoked.

I don't know about Samantha,
but both Darrins smoked.