04x07 - Vegas

[bunniefuu]

Hey, who stole my bacon?

Don't look at me. I
don't eat meat
anymore.

Give it back, D.J.

Oh, mom, he licked it.

I did not!

It's slimy.

Would you shut up?

Your dad's in there
trying to sleep!

Now here, give me
that bacon he licked,

And I'll feed it
to your dad.

You know what to do.

Pick D.J. up
from school,

take him
to soccer practice,

then pick me up
at the mall.

Why not just buy me
a chauffeur jacket
and cap?

That's all I
ever hear from you.

"I need new clothes.
Buy me a hat.

Buy me a jacket.
Me. Me. Me."

I thought
you were sleeping.

And miss hearing
my family scream

At the top of their
lungs in the morning?

Well, you know, it's
breakfast time, Dan.

I did my best.

You should be thankful
nobody was hurt.

Is this big pile
of dirty clothes on
the floor here for me?

Oh, honey, and it's
not even my birthday.

It was late.
I was tired.

I was going to pick
them up in the morning

After a full
four hours' sleep.

Where's the towels?

In the washer.

Why are they
in there?

They're taking a ride.

How am I supposed
to take a shower?

Why do you wash
all the towels at once?

Just to
tick you off.

Here. Sign this.

It's not like
the towels are dirty.

When you shower,
you're clean.

The towels
are just wet.

I'll just leave you
one towel.

Go ahead and use it
over and over

Until it gets hairier
than you are.

Wait! What was that,
your report card?

Damn.

Four Cs and a "D."

Well, at least we know
you're doing your best.

Well, I'm just getting
to know my teachers.

I liked last year's
excuse much better.

Remember? "I can't
concentrate in class
'cause of the asbestos."

What do you want,
better grades
or better excuses?

With grades like that,

you'll be able
to operate any slurpee
machine in this town.

So what, am I grounded?

No. Just go to school.

Follow Becky.
She knows where it is.

You let her off
mighty damn easy.

What are you
talking about?

You ought to start
putting some pressure
on that girl.

Make her
do more homework.

I'll get right on that

Because I don't
have enough to do.

How long are you going
to let this go on?

Let's pretend like
you're ever home.

What would you do?

Don't start. I'm k*lling
myself at that shop.

I don't have a job,
the restaurant,
and the kids.

You get
eight hours' sleep.

Oh, yeah. That's why
I'm so damn chipper
in the morning.

What is this about,
Roseanne--clothes,
Darlene, what?

Could you just take me
to the restaurant?

Could you do that
without us fighting?

Yeah. I think
I can manage that!

Fine!

And don't use all
the toilet paper
either.

That's
our last roll!

How long have you
been here?

Since hairy towels.
That was a good one.

Well, Jackie, whatever
you're here for,

Just go ahead,
borrow it, eat it,

use it, or wash it.
I don't give a damn.

Jeez, what a mood.

I just need a thermos
of coffee.

Knock yourself out.

O.k. Thanks.
Have you got a thermos?

It's on top
of the fridge there.

O.k.

Yep. Got to stay awake
on the highway.

Truckers' motto--

Stay awake.

Do you want
to talk about it?

Oh, god, Jackie,

don't you have some load
of innocent chickens

to drop off
at the nugget factory
or something?

What's the deal?

You guys
have been fighting
all the time lately.

No, that isn't true.

We only fight
when we see each other,

which is hardly ever.

Come on.

It's just a combination
of the fact

That we
are both exhausted

and he's such a jerk!

[Knock on window]

Oh, my god. It's Arnie.

What's he doing here
so early in the morning?

Perhaps he dropped by
to have sex with you
again.

Look...

I made a mistake, o.k.?

When are you going
to drop it already?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm just crazed.

You better
get out of here.

Pretty soon
he'll figure out
where the door is.

I got to go.

I got to get
on the road anyway,

But just take it easy.

Yeah. Yeah.

Is anybody going
to get the door?

Anybody's on her way.

If you're going
to make a big deal
out of it--

Did I?

Don't do me any favors!

I know it's early,

But I brought Nancy
with me

so you'd let me in.

Oh, what? You guys are
together again, I see.

Forever.

It's official.
I'm settling for Arnie.

And we're
getting hitched,

And we wanted you guys
to be the first to know.

You come over here
every couple of months,

say you're going
to get married,

but you never do.

This time
it's for real.

I Said I wouldn't
marry until I had
money put away.

Nancy's dad
gave me $ ,

never
to see her again.

You are such a leech.

Get off my back,
you tramp.

You're worthless.

You're easy.

I smell coffee.
Come on, honey.

He rules my world.

That was
a bad thing to see.

So you're finally
going to do it, huh?

You got it.

Just a small affair.

We want you to be
best man and best woman.

You don't
need a new dress.

It's very casual.

It's o.k. We'd love to.

Name the time and place.
We'll be there.

Las Vegas, Nevada.
We leave sunday,
come back tuesday.

Vegas for three days?
Jeez, I don't know.

You guys love Vegas.

We can't afford it now.

Everything's on us.

Just bring money
to gamble.

Hold on.

It would just be
the four of us.

If you guys don't go,
we won't have any fun.

I can't just close down
the shop for two days.

I'll get tickets
for Wayne Newton.

Oh, Wayne!

If there was any possible
way, we'd love to do it,

But we just can't.

Aw, Dan.

Arnie, he said no.

Sorry for barging in.

Thanks for the coffee.

It would be like
a second honeymoon
for you.

Arnie!

What?

I don't think
you should grovel.

Why not?
I'm good at it.

Are you ready
to go to work?

What?

Well, thank you for
answering for both
of us, Dan.

You wanted to go?

Yeah, I think it would
be a good thing.

It would be good
for us, Dan.

Why didn't you
say something?

I tried, but you
were unstoppable.

You want to take off
and leave the kids?

Yes, Dan. That's all
I've ever wanted.

Becky can take care
of everything around here.

Last year, I was
supposed to go to Vegas,

But you screwed
everything up.

Oh, right.
I made it snow.

I closed down O'hare
international airport.

I have that power.

I want to see
Wayne Newton!

How do I close down
the shop for two days?

You're the boss.

If you don't show up,
it's just closed.

You just don't
want to go anywhere!

I Could use a vacation
as much as anybody else!

So what's stopping you?

Nothing!

Good. Call Arnie.
Tell him we're going.

Fine!

Fine!

Second honeymoon!

You're on!

[Dan]
* Luck, be a lady tonight *

* Luck, be a lady
tonight *

* Stick with me, baby *

* I'm the fella
you came in with *

* Luck, be a lady
tonight *

[Roseanne] * Luck,
be a lady tonight *

* Luck, be a lady
tonight *

* Luck, if you've
ever been a lady
to begin with *

* Luck, be a lady
tonight *

[Dan]
* Luck, be a lady *

[Dan and Roseanne]
* Luck, be a lady *

* Tonight **

Yes! All right!

Yes!

Oh, you're
doing good.

Yeah.
Can't seem to lose.

Great.

Boy,
is this machine hot!

Yes!

Ha ha ha ha!

Uhh!

Roseanne Conner
from Lanford, Illinois.

Alice Thurber,
Ottumwa, Iowa.

Well, nice to meet you.

Yes!

Oh, man,
you won again.

That's great.

Yeah.
I got a system.

I walk around
until a machine
sends off vibes.

Well, this one...
Was...humming!

Yes!

There she is.

Wow! Bing! Bing!

Ah, great!

Hey, uh, Dan,
Alice Thurber.

Alice Thurber,
my husband Dan.

Good to meet you,
Alice.

Same here.

Yeah, Alice Thurber
is having a great night
on these machines.

Alice Thurber is?

Alice Thurber...is.

Here's half of
the gambling money.

Me and Arnie
are going to
go sh**t craps.

Kiss for luck.

Can I get a little more
money from you?

What did you do with
what I gave you?

I bought a hamburger.

Well, here's another ,
but make it last.

Where's my kiss?

Bye, sweetie.

Hey, Dan, can I
get from you?

O.k., but not
on the lips.

You know, I just
want to thank you

for coming up here
with us.

It means so much
to Arnie and me.

It came
at the perfect time.

We really needed
to get away.

I should be
thanking you.

You guys have been
married forever.

Last May.

Any advice
for the newlyweds?

Well, since you
and Arnie are paying
for the trip and show

And food and everything,

No.

Hey, I never did ask you--

How did
you and Arnie meet?

Remember
when he worked for
the water department?

He was reading my meter
one day,

And I caught him
peeping through
the blinds at me.

Oh, he still does that?

It was so perverted.

So we started dating.

One thing
led to another.

The next thing I know,
he's living in my car.

[Dan]
paging Alice Thurber.

Doggone it.

Telephone call
for Alice Thurber.

Me and Dan have
a system, too.

Ha ha ha ha.

[Ding]

Whoa!

Aah!

I can't, Mark.
I got to study tonight.

Oh, don't be stupid.

If he wasn't stupid,
he wouldn't be anything.

Drop dead.

I'll talk to
you later, ok?

I love you.

I love you, too,
Becky.

Oh, Darlene,
don't be jealous.

You could have
a boyfriend, too,
you know.

A little lipstick,
a little mascara.

A big juicy pork chop
tied around your neck.

[Telephone rings]

Hello.

Oh, hi, mom.

Yeah, I'm fine.

Want to talk
to Becky?

Well, she's in your bed
right now with Mark.

Should I wake them?

Give me the phone!

I'm right here.

D.J.,
go take a bath.

I got to do
a science project.

So do it.

Mom always helps me.

Mom's in Las Vegas,
D.J.,

And she's
never coming back.

I got to make
a sundial.

Well,
then make a sundial.

I don't know how.

Just find
something round.

There.

Now take it outside,

and when
it starts to stink,

it's tomorrow.

Deej, you want to
talk to mom?

No!

No.

Well, mom, you already
called twice today.

No--no, mom,
we do, too, miss you.

Well, we would
if you'd leave us alone.

Boo!

Call the kids?

Yeah. They're
still there.

How the hell
does this work?

You put a quarter in.

If it pushes
the other quarters
off the edge,

You get to keep them.

There's a hundred quarters

Just waiting to
jump off the cliff.

Man.

Uh...

They got this sucker
nailed down pretty good.

O.k. We'll do it
your way.

Give me
a quarter, Dan.

This will be
easy money.

If it looks easy,
I'll bet it is.

Here. Let me
fish out a quarter.

Get us a big bucket
to catch our winnings!

Just give me the quarter.

You know the guy
that invented this game
must be a moron.

Give me another one.

Give me another one.

Give me another one.

Oh, here it comes.
Here it comes.

Give me another one.

Yahoo! Look at that!

I Won!

A quarter.
Look at that.

Don't go giving
all that back.

Walk away a winner.

What do you
want to do--
craps, blackjack?

No.

Guess again.

Liberace museum.

Say something sexy,
Dan.

We're up bucks.

Ooh. Let's go
to the room.

Could this
be happening--

No kids, no work,

Just you and me?

Dan! Rosie!

And Nancy and sluggo.

Hey, check it out!

We've converted
our craps winnings

into actual crap.

Oh, man,
you won, too?

How does this place
stay in business?

Isn't this
the worst?

God, I hope so.

You're my best man.
Let's go rent me a tux.

Can't you do that
by yourself, Arnie?

Come on. You know I can't
do anything by myself.

Oh, go on, Dan.

Later?

Later.

Later, we're taking
you guys to dinner.

I won't take hell no
for an answer.

Let's go, Dan.

Honey, remember,
I'm wearing white.

You should wear
white, too.

We're going as virgins.

Rosie, tell me the truth,
you saw that woman.

My boob job's better
than her boob job.

You can't compare.
It's apples and oranges.

When I first decided
to do this,

Arnie and I got
into a huge fight.

I wanted
to look like
Jamie Lee Curtis,

And he wanted the
Adrienne Barbeaus,

But I didn't
have enough skin.

O.k., look,
we've done
the buffet thing.

We've done
the gambling thing,
the shopping thing.

What do you want
to do tonight?

I'd just like to get Dan
and do the alone thing.

Isn't that sweet,
after all these years?

Yeah. I think
we're ready again.

Give me that.

Do it again.

on the--

Seven, red!

All right!

That third dessert's
almost always a mistake.

Yeah,
but you definitely
got them rethinking

The all-you-can-eat
concept.

All right.

Seven!

Damn!

You keep betting
against me,

And it's
ticking me off.

There's no rule
against that.

I can bet
any way I want.

But it's like a code.

You don't
bet against friends.

You play your way,
I play mine.

Now roll the dice!

Yo, !

Hell!

Going to bet on me now?

No. You're bound
to lose sometime.

Can I borrow
another ?

Miss me,
sugar top?

Notice I was gone,
bubble butt?

Here, blow
on the dice, baby.

Let's shake
the joint up.

Are you winning?

Winning? Yes.

Big winning.
Big, big winning.

Yay, Dan!

Yo, !

Ooh! Happy days!

You guys
are making me sick.

Let's go to a show.

It's just you and me
tonight.

They want to be alone.

For what?

Oh, I get it.

You want to get us
some wedding gifts.

Have fun.
Let's go, honey.

Four!
Four points, four!

Dan.

Just give me
one second, honey.

O.k.

Oh!

Incredible!

Dan.

What, what, what?

We had a date.

Now?

Yeah, now.

Rosie, I'm hot.

So am I.

Rosie, come on.
I'm having a real
good time here.

Oh, what, like
you wouldn't have
a good time

With me alone
up in the room?

Whoo!
Ohh!

If you want to,
go back to the casino.

Let's just do what
we came up here to do.

Oh, you sweet talker, you.

You got your stuff
all over the place.

Where am I supposed
to put my stuff,
on the floor?

Yeah. Pretend
like you're home.

Honey, there's
something wrong
with the towel racks.

Look. They got fresh,
clean towels hanging
all over them.

We could have this
very same argument

Back in Lanford.

You're the one that
dragged us here.

When I started
having fun,

you dragged me
away from it.

Hey, we had a date.

Excuse me. I thought
I was more important

than that stupid game.

You are, but waiting
wouldn't k*ll you.

We came here
to spend time together.

We haven't had
five minutes alone
since we got here!

Well, now we're alone.

I, for one, am having
a great time.

You know, Dan, we should
have took separate vacations.

I go to Vegas,

And you go to hell.