04x05 - Tolerate Thy Neighbor

[bunniefuu]

Oh, god, maybe I should take
the test next week.

Relax, Jackie,
you only missed one.

You've got this
trucking license nailed.

O.k., next question.

What is the importance
of proper weight
distribution?

To avoid
being top-heavy.

You don't have
to worry about that,
aunt Jackie.

God, I hate Kathy Bowman.

And today's reason is?

She spends
about a billion dollars
on all this furniture

That looks like
it belongs in Italy,

And now she's giving it
away to charity.

This couch don't even
have any butt-dents in it.

How can you take
a nice, charitable thing

And turn it into a mean,
vindictive thing?

Hey,

That's what makes me, me.

She's just giving away
that coffee table
to show off.

Oh. Becky, quiz me.

O.k.

Uh, gross vehicle weight.

Um, total weight
of single vehicle
plus its load.

Oh, o.k. That's it.

That's way too good
for the needy.

I'll be back.

You ready?

Yeah.

What is the proper
procedure to follow

If your vehicle
is leaking toxic fluids

In a residential
neighborhood?

Okay, it's got something
to do with those
orange cones, right?

No? O.k.

They'll never ask that
on the test anyway.

Did anybody bring
the paper in?
No, of course not.

Becky, I'm really sorry.

About what?

I didn't mean it.

What did you do,
you little freak?

I was in your room.
It was an accident.

Oh, I'm going
to k*ll you, D.J.

D.J., what did you do?

Nothing.

Really?

Yeah. Just
driving her crazy.

Excellent work, son.

Thanks, dad.

I'm so damn proud
I could burst.

Stay.

God, is that tacky.

I know it.

Can you believe
Kathy Bowman

Was giving this
to the good samaritans?

These go
for bucks.

I gave the good samaritan
driver bucks for it.

Plus, the money's
going to charity.

What do you think, Dan?

It is snowing outside?
'Cause this
must be christmas.

Ha ha ha!
I knew you'd love it.

It's art.

It ain't just art.

It's got a big hole
in the back

Where you can
stick stuff in.

You done good, honey.

This is a great
piece of crap.

I'll tell you what,
this piece of crap

Totally out-craps
all our other crap.

So we follow
these good samaritan
trucks around

And buy stuff
really cheap.

Then we go
to a swap meet

And sell it
for an embarrassing
amount of money.

What about
the good samaritans?

Isn't that going to cut
into their business?

Forget about them.
We're squeezing them out.

Roseanne,
what are you doing?

Well, I'm changing
the cherry

On the fruit cups, Leon.

It is wednesday, isn't it?

All day.

I thought so.

How old are these?

I don't know.

They've been here
since I got hired.

Hello, ladies.

Hey, Steven.

Hi.

Are you ready,
Leon?

Yes. We've got lots
of packing to do.

That's wonderful.

Are you going
on a trip?

Steven is.

Because Steven must
magically disappear

Whenever Leon's mother
comes to town.

I thought we settled this.

You're not the one being
kicked out of your home,
are you Leon.

Why kick him out?

Don't your mom
know you're gay?

Roseanne.

My mother knows.
That doesn't mean

She's going
to be comfortable

staying in the same house
with me and my lover.

Why not?

Roseanne.

Shut up.

How do they know
how she's going to react

unless they
give her a chance?

Thanks, Roseanne.
I've been saying
that for three years.

Yes, thank you, Roseanne,

If you don't mind,
butt out.

No, no.

I'd like to hear
her opinion.
Please, Roseanne.

Don't look at me.

I want to hear
what you have
to say, too.

Well...

Of course
I totally agree

With my boss' position
here and everything,

But I understand where
Steven's coming from, too,

'Cause he just wants
to be acknowledged.

I mean, he's like
your wife--or your husband.

I don't really know
how you guys work this out.

For instance, I don't know
who does the cleaning

And who watches
monday night football,

But--

Well...

That clearly was
a waste of time.

Don't you think
I should have
the opportunity

To get to know
his mother?

Why are you asking her?

Because she understands.
Everybody does but you.

No, she is not everybody.
She is nobody.

Steven, my mother
is a -year-old woman.

She was uncomfortable
with Mary Martin
as Peter Pan.

This is going to be
very, very awkward for her.

Awkward
for you, Leon.

Can we talk
about this at home?

Are you embarrassed
about who you are?

No.

Is it about me?

No.

Then stop hiding me.

Let me stay
in my home when
your mother visits.

This is important
to me, Leon. Leon...

Please.

All right, no packing.
You can stay.

Thanks.

Attaboy, Leon.

Roseanne, did it ever occur
to you even one moment
to stay out of this?

Yeah, but by then
it was way too late.

Oh, you guys.
My own fuzzy dice.

Smell them.
They smell.

Two bucks more,
but when your sister

gets her
trucker's license, you
pull out all the stops.

You aced
the driving part?

Yeah. You'd be surprised
how courteous people are

When they see an -wheeler

With "student driver"
written on it.

So what comes next?

I start out
short-hauling

And then ease
into the five-night
interstate hauls.

Five nights? Do you
stay at motels?

The cab's got
a sleeping compartment.

But it doesn't have
a shower, does it?

That's why she needs
the dice scented.

Mrs. Bowman's coming,
and she looks mad.

That's my fault.
My rig's blocking
her driveway.

I better get it
back to the lot.

Anybody want a ride?

Yeah, sure.

Darlene?

I don't think so.

Darlene,
it'll be fun.

You can roll down
the window

And spit
into convertibles.

All right.

[Doorbell rings]

That's Kathy.

I don't want her thinking

You was picking
through her trash,
so here's the deal.

We paid full price
for that dog at Rodbell's--

Bucks.

I thought
they went for .

Well, we overpaid

Because we're making
a fortune at the shop.

Got it, lovey.
But do be quick.

We dine with
the Snotheads at : .

Hi, Jackie just went
out to move her--

Roseanne...

My house was robbed.

We were away
for the weekend,

And two guys dressed
like good samaritans

Just backed a van
up to the house

And cleaned us out...

In broad daylight.

Oh, th-that
is unbelievable.

You--you better sit down.

Mr. Henderson said
he saw the entire thing

And didn't do a thing.

What kind of
a neighbor is that?

That's a bad,
bad neighbor.

I feel so...

So violated.

Oh, sure you do.

They took things I've
been collecting for years.

Oh, man.

They took that stuff?
That's bad.

Hey, if you're going
to be mad at anybody,

Be mad at them.

The police are going
to take statements.

I don't suppose
you saw anything.

No, no.

No. Well, yeah.

What?

Well, they seemed
really nice.

They called me "ma'am"
and everything.

Wait,

You spoke
to the criminals?

Well, haggled
is more like it.

Oh, my god.

That's my
umbrella stand.

Umbrellas.
Of course.

You--you bought this
from the robbers?

How could you do that?

Didn't you see
the big-screen TV
in the truck?

Do you really think
we would have given away

A brand new -inch
television to charity?

Well, it would have been
a nice gesture.

I don't believe you, Roseanne.

Just calm down here.

Hey, I'm really sorry.

I didn't know your house
was getting robbed.

I thought I was doing
a good thing.

I thought I was doing
something for charity.

A good thing?
It was a stupid thing, Roseanne.

It was the stupidest thing
anybody's ever done.

You're the stupidest woman

On the face of the earth.

Oh, yeah?

I Paid bucks
for that piece of crap,

And you paid !
That's stupid!

I was starting to worry
about you guys you been
gone a long time.

You should have worried.
Jackie almost k*lled us.

She was just showing
how well the rig cornered.

She missed the bus stop
by almost a foot.

Everybody there
dove under the bench.

They were old.
They panicked.

It was so cool.

[Doorbell rings]

I'm glad you had fun,
Darlene.

Well, what about me?

It doesn't sound like
you had any fun, Becky.

Hey, Jer.

Hey, Dan.
Roseanne here?

She's at
her friend Crystal's.

Uh, could we talk?

Sure. Want a beer?

Definitely.

I'm sorry about what
happened to you guys.

The insurance
should cover everything.

Well, that's good, yeah.

Thanks.

Uh, Dan, uh,

Kathy wants to put up
an electric fence.

An electric fence won't
do you no good, Jerry.

They're not going
to rob you again.

Well, it's not for burglars.
It's for Roseanne.

Electricity won't
stop her. I've tried.

She's not much
of a swimmer, though.

You might want
to build a moat.

I've got to do something.
She wants to move back
to Chicago.

Yeah.
Really?

Wow. Anything I can do?

Could you get Roseanne
to apologize?

Hmm. When you move,
can I have your
satellite dish?

What are we going
to do, Dan?

Our wives just--
they just--

Hate each other.

I think it's good
for them, Jer.

Roseanne gets so
worked up over Kathy

She gets all flushed,
her heart races,
works up a sweat.

It's kind of
an aerobic thing.

Look at the weight
she's lost

Since you guys
moved in.

I can't leave
without something, Dan.

I mean, she's--she's
making my life miserable.

Oh, here.
Take the pooch, jer.

Roseanne was going
to return it anyway,

But this way you
get it in one piece.

Great. Thanks, thanks.

But Kathy said
we should start
a neighborhood watch.

But that's
what happened, Jer.

You got robbed,
and the neighborhood
watched.

Morning.

Hey, Leon.

What?
So?

So fill me in.
How's your mom
handling everything?

Fine.
The plane was late,

but everything else
was fine. Thank you.

[Kicks door]

Whoa, we better
stay out of his way.

That won't be no fun.

Remember what
happened yesterday.

We need to mind
our own business.

If I wanted to do that,

I wouldn't have
came in early.

What?

Well, maybe you want
to talk about it.

Only got a minute. Go.

Roseanne--

Well, there you are.

I thought you were
going back to work.

I'm talking to Roseanne.
Believe me, that's work.

You ran away,
left me alone with...

Mother.

Don't you call her that.

I'll never
be good enough
for that woman.

All she does
is pick, pick, pick.

Hey, you wanted
a mother-in-law.

Where is she now?

In housewares.

You left her there?

You know what she's doing?
Buying us a waffle iron.

Oh, my. Let's
have her arrested.

We don't eat waffles.

You don't make them.

You do nothing
in the kitchen.

I work all day.

And I don't?

Yeah, your
little bookstore.

I happen to own
that bookstore.

Wisely located right
next to the library.

Don't bring that up.

I'm allowed.

If I hadn't sunk
my life savings into it,

I wouldn't be working
in this dump!

Hello.

I hate you, Leon.

I hate you more.

Well, I'll just be
up in housewares.

I would tell mom
if I was gay.

You couldn't tell her

You were going
to be a cop.

How could you tell her
you were gay?

Easy. It would k*ll her.

Oh, yeah. Of course.

What if D.J. Was gay,

Would you want him
to tell you?

Yeah. I don't want him
keeping secrets from me.

You wouldn't mind?

No. They only thing
I've wanted for my kids

Is that they're happy
and out of the house.

And I'll tell you what,

Happy ain't even
that important.

How about you, Dan?

How would you feel
if D.J. was gay?

It's not going
to happen.

Well, I'm--

Hey!

It's not going to happen.

Woo, you winged him.

[D.J.]
I got it!

What's Dan's problem?

Oh, D.J.'s his only son.

He's got that thing

Where he wants D.J.
to carry on the Conner name.

I Said Becky would
probably have kids

Before she was married
and they'd be Conners,

But that
don't count for him.

Mom!

What?

Oh.

Roseanne, this
is officer Robbins.

He's here to
take your statement.

Just tell him the truth.
He'll go easy on you.

Hi, Gil.
How you doing?

Hey, Rosie.

How are you doing?

You know each other?

Yeah, we went to
high school together.

I don't believe
this town.

This is a real pill
you got living next door.

Yeah, tell me about it, man.

Mrs. Bowman says you saw
one of the robbers.

Uh-huh.

Could you give us
a description?

Uh, do you remember
what Jimmy Mullins

looked like
in high school?

He looked like that.

You don't think
it was Jimmy?

Oh, no. This guy's nose
was more scoopier.

You know, kind
of like Bob Hope's nose.

But definitely not Jimmy?

No, not Jimmy.

Good. Good.

Good?

Well, what do
we have here?

So far we've eliminated
Jimmy Mullins and Bob Hope.

Well, I didn't see
the driver.

That could have
been Bob Hope.

Hey, you
want a beer, Gil?

Sure.

Aren't you on duty?

Never mind, Rosie.

Now can we please
get on with this?

You got a description
of the vehicle?

It was a blue truck.

Jackie!

Gil! How've you been?

Great. We've missed you
down at the station.

I miss you guys, too.
What's been going on?

Real quiet.

Let me--

Excuse me.

Focus on the fact
my house has been robbed.

God, you're so rude.

What do I have to do

To get some justice
around here?

We put an APB
out on the truck,

And we'll be
checking pawn shops

To see if your stuff
turns up there.

That's it?

There's not much else
we can do.

I'd suggest
a security system

And telling
your neighbors
when you leave town.

Hey, Gil.

Danny! Oh!

Want a beer?

Uh--may I?

Oh, god.

I got
my trucking license.

You can tell me
on the CB

where
the radar traps are.

Cool.

I'm in hell.

Naw, you're
just in Lanford.

Same zip code, though.

You want a beer?

No, I don't.

What I want is
not to live here anymore.

You know, Kathy,
I just want you to know

I sure am sorry

About what happened
and everything.

You know, Lanford's
not a bad town.

You just got to
go with it more,

You know, fit in.

And what does
that mean, Roseanne?

Am I supposed to
wander around town

In a tacky housecoat
and flip-flops,

With my hair
in curlers?

Now you're getting it!

Yeah, absolutely,
and then I'll throw us

one of these here
tupperware parties.

then I could introduce
you to the others.

What are you
talking about?

Oh, we all used to be
like you, Kathy--

Angry, bitter,
annoying.

But now we're
the Lanford wives.

Goodbye, Roseanne.

It's useless to try
to resist us, Kathy.

We already have Jerry.

Jerry's one of us.

Jerry joined the lodge.

You're a sick woman,
Roseanne.

Oh, you'll
start to love it.

I Promise, Kathy.

Just think about it--

Swap meets,
bowling leagues,

bingo,
double coupon days,

casino night
at the slaughterhouse!

It's your destiny.

Maybe we should
check the house, Jer.

Checking.

Still there.

Great.

Doing a hell of a job.

So, Jer, uh...

If you don't mind,

I'd like to ask
a personal question.

You don't
have to answer.

She's just not happy
here in Lanford, Dan.

Unfortunately,
that's the only side
you get to see,

But behind closed doors,
she shows a whole
other side.

Do you know,
there have actually
been mornings

I've woken up dehydrated?

Yep, that's what
Rosie figured.

Have a beer, Jer.

[Alarm sounds]

What do you think?

Three blocks away,
maybe four.

Not our jurisdiction.

[Roseanne]
no, that's not him.

That's not him, either.

Uh-uh.

Too tall.

That's him!

The guy who looks like
Jimmy Mullins.