03x24 - Scenes from a Barbecue

[bunniefuu]

This Mother's Day thing
really bites.

Yeah. A whole Sunday
totally wasted.

Like her birthday wasn't enough.

Hey, your mom works
real hard all year.

She deserves one day
to relax and do nothing.

What about us? We don't
get a kid's day.

Some day, my angel,
you'll be a parent

and realize that
every day is kid's day.

Man, you just want to smack
them when they say that.

I didn't park in the
driveway, like you asked.

I cleaned the entire house,

went shopping for
the barbecue items.

Is there anything else I can do
while I'm queen for a damned day?

Did you remember the beer?

Just wait till Father's Day.

Oh, you're here already?

Yeah.

Where's grandma?

Talking to the radio station.

Oh, of course.
Grandma...

Wait a minute.

Don't go to a station break

when I'm in the middle
of my opinion.

All right, all right.
Do it your way.

I'm on hold.

What's the topic?

Meat.

This Ted from Toledo thinks
it's mean to k*ll cows.

Does he want us
to eat them alive?

That's very good.
I'll use that.

What took you so long?

We made three stops

so she could phone in
her outrage.

Jackie, you be glad
that you live in a country

where anybody can
pull over to a Stuckey's

and express their
freedom of speech.

And get a nice pecan log.

Hey, Ted,

I am at a barbecue.

What do you suggest we put on the grill?
Broccoli?

When did you guys get here?

A couple minutes ago.

Hold on. Danny!

My favorite
grandson-in-law!

Hey, kids!

Nana Mary's here!

You giving them what-for,
grandma?

I'm trying to,
but the kind of people

that call into these talk shows,

they're not the
brightest in the world.

- Nana Mary!
- Hi, Nana Mary!

Wait a minute.
Hold on, hold on!

My three gorgeous
great-grandchildren just walked in.

And guess what?
You'll never believe it,

but little Darlene has boobies!

You remember
that Ethel Schneider?

She lived in the apartment
across the hall?

Yeah.

The one with the rich grandson

that would be perfect
for you, Jackie.

That's the one.

What about her?

Dead.

Oh, god.

If the grandson's
at the funeral,

you could wear that
scoop-necked black sweater.

Knock it off.

I don't want to talk about

my love life or dead people.

Can I talk about my love life?

Yes, fine.

Well, you remember
that Marvin Spencer?

He was the one with
the hot pants for me.

Oh, yeah.
He asked you out?

Yes, once.

Oh, we had a wonderful time.

Yeah?

But he never called me again.

Why not?

Dead.

See?
I'm... I'm leaving.

You coward!

Grandma, you should move in.

We could do this
to Jackie all the time.

Roseanne, we've been
through this before.

Suppose I didn't
like living here.

Then you'd fit right in.

Can I bring anything out
to the table?

Chips or dip or something?

No, I don't want you
to take anything.

Just 'cause I'm pregnant

doesn't mean I can't pitch in.

Crystal, it's because
you eat everything

before you get it out there.

Well, the baby's hungry.

You keep feeding him like that

and he'll never want to leave.

Mary, I can't tell you

how good it is to see you again.

Yeah.
Me, too, sweetheart.

You've always been gorgeous,

but right now
you're simply glowing.

Why, what a nice thing to say.

I'm glad to see that bad manners

don't run in the family.

Who is that, again?

That's Crystal.
You know...

She married Dan's dad.

Oh, right.

Look, I don't like to
talk bad about people...

Never...

And I know she's one
of your best friends,

but that's a sick thing.

What are you looking at?

I'm thinking I can help you
with your potato salad.

No, you're trying
to steal my recipe.

Get the hell out of here.

Well, why won't you
give me your recipe?

I slaved for years,

creating a perfect potato salad.

You think I'll tell
you just like that?

Well, I am your granddaughter.

In regards to my potato salad,

you are nothing to me.

And speaking of nothing,

did you call your mother?

I'll call her later.

You know, I don't talk
bad about anybody...

Yeah, I know.

And I know she's your mother,

but I never understood

what your father saw in her.

She's your daughter.

Company!

Hi. Glad you
could make it.

Where should I put
these deviled eggs?

Out back, but don't
let Crystal see them.

Hey, this must be Chuck junior.

Couldn't be.

The Chuck junior I fed
and clothed for years

would never have
forgotten Mother's Day.

Oh, ma...

Shut up.

Hello!

Oh, yeah. This is
Chuck, Anne-Marie,

and the evil Chuck junior.

This is my grandmother Mary.

Well, it's nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

It's a real pleasure.

Yes. Me, too,

and I want you to know
I'm not prejudiced.

Mmm. Anne-Marie, these
deviled eggs are good!

I should have made more.

Oh! The baby
just kicked.

It's ok, honey.

We're at a barbecue at
your brother Dan's house,

and all our friends are here.

I read that you should
talk to the baby

so he can get used
to your voice.

He can even understand a little.

Hey, baby, back off the buffet.

Rosey!

What?

I need a big bowl.

Uh, it's in the cupboard
next to the sink.

Do you believe her?

She throws me out
of my own damn kitchen

so she can make her
secret potato salad.

Uh-oh, we're out of coffee.
I'll make some more.

Forget it.
This ain't work.

If people want coffee,

they can make it their self.

That's just what she
says at the restaurant.

Bonnie, how come your
husband didn't show?

Oh, Duke couldn't come.

He's still got hours of
community service to do.

Look at this sweater my
daughter sent me from Oregon.

That's wonderful.
It's real pretty.

She remembered mother's day,

and she's all the way in Oregon.

Oh, mom.

- Ha ha!
- Way to go.

There's worse things,
Anne-Marie.

My kids all chipped in and bought
me these strawberry bath beads.

I'm giving them out
for Halloween.

Rosey!

What?

Where do you keep
the Tabasco sauce?

In the fridge door.

Hey, she puts Tabasco
in the potato salad.

No way!

I'm making myself a bloody Mary.

I'm going long.

Say, Dan, you might think about

stacking those coals
like a pyramid.

No, no, no.

This way, you get them all
with the lighter fluid.

Stack them, you miss
the ones in the middle.

Why don't you spray them first

and stack them after?

Well, no, no, no.

See, all your fluid
evaporates if you do that.

Trust me, it's better this way.

I disagree.

The way you got them,

they're spread out,
working all alone,

but if you stack them,

they're working like a team.

Well, let me ask
you something, Chuck.

Once they're stacked
in a pyramid,

are you going
to cook in a pyramid?

Of course not.
You spread them out.

If they're going
to wind up spread out,

why not start them spread out?

See, Dan, you don't understand.

No, I understand!

You're just arguing
in circles, that's all.

Listen, no...

Well, you know what I'd do?

The ones that didn't light,

I'd blast them with
another shot of fluid.

You don't know what
you're talking about.

You blast hot coals
with lighter fluid...

Up the stream, into
the can, and boom!

You'll be a human torch.

Fine.

Dan, those burgers are
looking pretty thick.

I don't think they'll cook.

Well, I'm going to stack
them in a pyramid

so they'll cook as a team.

Arnie, how come you're not
at your mother's house?

I owe her money.

You got to beat a .

I got to beat a .

Queen!

I win.
Give me the money.

Nana, I'm down $ . .

How about double or nothing?

You got that kind of money?

I'll owe you.

No can do.

Geez, I'm your
great-granddaughter.

Don't you trust me?

When we're playing
cards for money,

you're nothing to me.

Don't even think about it!

Why can't he have
some potato salad?

I don't like him.

He keeps hitting on me.

All right.
Come on, Becky, cut.

I'm not playing.
You're cheating.

You're accusing your
Nana of cheating?

Nana, you haven't lost once.

So I'm due now.
Cut.

No way.

Becky, how could Nana
cheat at cutting cards?

It's her deck, Einstein.

For that, you are
out of the will.

Well, I want a new deck.

All right. I happen
to have one here.

Ok, ... ... ...

sh**t.

Ok, I pick first.

I got Lonnie.

Ok...

Oh, geez.

Yeah, I guess I got Becky.

Let's see.

I don't know.

Pick me, man.
I'm good.

Roseanne, this is a great party.

We're having a good time.

I'm glad you could make it.

I love your grandmother.

How old is she?
She looks good.

I don't think anybody knows.

The only people that
ever knew are dead.

To my wife on Mother's Day.

Oh, shucks.

Wait. Your husband gives you
a present for Mother's Day?

Mm-hmm.

I'll be right back.
Chuck...

Too heavy to be
vacuum cleaner bags.

It ain't like it's our
anniversary or nothing.

Um, oven mitts?

Would you just open it?

All right.

For Pete's sake.

Oh, it's a picture
of you and the kids.

Where's my real present?

No, I remember the
day you took this.

You and the kids sneaked
off for a couple hours

and I got the house
all to myself.

That was your real present.

Well, it's really nice.

You think I'd forget
you on Mother's Day?

Did you call your mother?

Mom, I just called to
say happy Mother's Day.

Oh, you got the robe.

I picked it out myself.

Thank you, dear.

Oh, dad's fine.

He got stuck out
of town on business,

so we're feeding
Crystal for him.

I got a house full
of people here,

so I got to go.

Yeah, mom.

Yeah, I miss you, too.

Listen, I got burgers cooking,

so I...

Yeah.

Yeah, mom, I love you, too.

Oh, look, D.J.'s hair
is on fire. I got to...

Yeah, mom.

Yeah, ma, we're real sorry

you and dad couldn't make it.

Yep, grandma's here.

She's in there taking a nap.

Yeah, uh-huh.
Jackie?

No! No! No! No!

Yeah, she's here.
Uh-huh.

The kids are fine.

Did you get
the blouse we sent you?

No, the shoulders are
supposed to be big like that.

If you don't like it,
send it back.

I'll get you something else.

Don't pretend you
like it if you don't.

It's no big deal.

Just send it back,
and we'll exchange it.

No, it's no problem.

If it was a problem,
I would tell you.

I would.

I would.

I would.

Oh, Jackie just came in.

No!

Hi, mom. Hi.
How you doing?

Mm-hmm. How's dad?

Good.

Well, uh, my love to everybody.

Uh... Actually, no.

I'm not seeing anybody
right now.

I hate you.

Heh heh heh heh.

Um, no, we broke up.
Yeah.

Well, it just didn't work out.

Yeah, I know you liked him,

but then, you didn't have
to sleep with him.

Yes!

I'm kidding, mom.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Uh, no, don't have a job yet.

There's just nothing
that I like.

I know exactly
how old I am, mom.

I don't know why you do this.

She knows exactly what
to say to make me nuts!

Give me the phone.

Hello, Beverly, dear.

It's your mother!

Yes, and the same
to you, sweetheart.

Yes.

No, it didn't come.

No, it didn't come.

Oh, really?
A houseplant?

No, no, it didn't come.

It came. I put it
on Marvin's grave.

Well, don't worry about it.

It's the thought that counts,

especially since
I didn't get it.

Tell me, Beverly, how's
that nice husband of yours?

Is he still reading
those funny magazines?

Beverly, perhaps you should
show him more affection.

You know, let him talk
once in a while.

You know how it is.

Men that age
often get their heads turned

by younger,
more attentive women.

The next thing you know,

the wife is out
shopping for a cat.

No. No, dear.

No, I did not
mean anything by it.

It's just that you never know.

I didn't say you...

She's the best.

♪ It's so hard to find
a personality ♪

♪ with charms like
yours for me ♪

♪ ooh ooh eee ♪

♪ ooh ooh eee ♪

♪ ooh ooh eee ♪

Bring it home, Chuck.

♪ What's your name ♪

♪ what's your name ♪

♪ shooby doo bop
wa dah ♪

♪ ooh wee ooh ooh ♪

Yeah!

All right.

Yeah!

Ugh, this is gross.
Let's go watch TV.

Any requests?

Yeah, I... I do
have one.

You know that song?
Ok...

♪ Michael, row
the boat ashore ♪

Play something Roseanne
doesn't know the words to.

Like that's going to stop me.

Don't you listen to her.

You have a beautiful voice.

Play something else, Dan.

♪ I don't like you... ♪

Yeah, that's good.

♪ But I love you ♪

♪ seems that I'm always
thinking of you ♪

♪ ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ oh, you do me badly ♪

♪ I love you madly ♪

♪ you really got
a hold on me ♪

♪ I don't want you ♪

♪ but I need you ♪

♪ don't want to kiss you ♪

♪ but I need to ♪

♪ oh, oh, whoa,
you do me wrong now ♪

♪ my love is strong now ♪

♪ you really got
a hold on me ♪

♪ I said, you really
got a hold on me ♪

♪ baby, I love you ♪

♪ and all I want you to do ♪

♪ is just hold me,
hold me ♪

♪ hold me ♪

♪ hold me ♪

♪ you really got
a hold on me ♪

Man!

YAY!

- YAY!
- That was great!

I love you, Nana.

I love you, too,

and if your mother
gives you a hard time,

you call me.

You got it.

Goodbye, honey.

Ok, little wise-ass,
I'm going to say goodbye.

I'll see you soon.

You bet you will.
You owe me bucks.

Can't you even stay
for a cup of coffee?

No, no.

I have to go right now.

Sex talk radio is on
in five minutes.

If I don't call, they worry.

Well, Roseanne,
everything was beautiful.

Come on, let's get it over with.

What?

What you ask me
every time we visit.

You always say no.

I might say yes sometime.

Nah, you're just setting me up.

How do you know?

I know what you're doing.

Oh, for crying out loud!

Grandma, come live with us.

It won't be a burden.
We'll make room. Ok?

No! She's got
to say it.

You're nothing to her, see.

All right.

Well, we all love you, grandma.

Come live with us, ok?

No, thanks.

I knew it.

Well, come here.

D.J.,
Nana's leaving!

Hello, you.

Sweetie pie, you're going to
come and visit me. Promise?

You have to go?

Uh-huh.

How come?

Your mother really doesn't

want me around here.

You're a horrible old lady.

That's true, and just think...

In years, you are going
to be exactly like me.

Well, I guess that gives you
something to look forward to.

♪ We're going to
the freak show ♪

♪ we're going to
the freak show ♪

♪ we're going to
the freak show tonight ♪

♪ it don't cost no money ♪

♪ 'cause it ain't
so doggone funny ♪

♪ we are going to
the freak show tonight ♪

♪ it's free ♪

Yee-hee!

♪ It's a show ♪

♪ it's a show ♪

♪ to get in
don't take any dough ♪

♪ hey, it don't
take no money ♪

♪ 'cause it ain't
too doggone funny ♪

♪ we're going to
the freak show tonight ♪

Hee-haw!

Look at my little idiot son!

He's a-dancin'.

I put him up on the bar

to do that
for pickled eggs last week.

We got Roy Clark
comin' out next,

the Hee-Haw honeys,

the Dallas Cowboy
cheerleaders...

And the national
in-breeding finalists.

They're coming to ya!

♪ We're going
to the freak show ♪

♪ we're going
to the freak show ♪

♪ we're going to
the freak show tonight ♪

Hee-haw!

♪ It don't cost no money ♪

♪ 'cause it ain't
too doggone funny ♪

♪ we're going to
the freak show tonight ♪

♪ going to
the freak show ♪

♪ going to
the freak show ♪

♪ tonight ♪

Heeeee!