03x16 - Home-Ec

[bunniefuu]

Junk. Junk. Something
from a charity.

Oh, cool. How much
did they send us?

I'll put that
in the "later" pile.

Gas bill.

Later.

Electric bill.

Later.

Oh! Ed McMahon!

Ooohh, hoo hoo hoo!

Open that sucker up.

You do it. I can't.

My hands are trembling
from the excitement.

What's this? Something
from Darlene's school.

Well, there's one way to
spice up the afternoon.

Darlene, we got you nailed.

What?

Letter from your school.

♪ Darlene's in trouble ♪

♪ Darlene's in trouble ♪

♪ ah-Dee ah-Dee
ah-Dee ♪

Want to tell us right away

before we find out anyhow?

I cut Spanish class

because Meryl forgot
to wake me up after biology.

You got dishes for an extra
week then, young lady.

"Dear Mr. Conner, the
Lanford Board of Education

"invites you to share your
career skills with our students.

If you are interested,"
la Dee da Dee da.

Doesn't say anything about
skipping Spanish class.

Well, I guess that
makes me a moron.

Guess so.

Hi.

Darlene, you're
wearing my shirt!

Get off my back.
I got bigger problems.

What's happening?

Career day at school.

They want Dad to speak.

Oh, bummer, Darlene.

He's too cool to do it.

That's me, Ice-D.
Too cool for school.

You know what makes
me mad about this?

How come it's automatically
made out to you

and not me?

Honey, I am the
professional in the family.

Oh, right. I forgot about
your master's in drywalling.

You know, the real reason

is just 'cause you're a man.

Oh, god, she's going
feminist on me.

Like I'm not good enough

for their little junior
high school career day?

Like some housewife doesn't
have anything important to say?

It's an outrage, mom.

I say go show them

how tough your job really is.

Well, maybe I will.

Thank you, Becky.

Well, maybe next time,

you'll keep your grubby
little paws off my stuff.

Mom, you're not going to let

some blond bimbette
tell you what to do.

What's your problem? Are you
embarrassed of your mother?

Don't get offended, mom.

I'm just as embarrassed of Dad.

Aw, you're just saying that.

Hello.

Hi. D.J.

What's, uh, in the bag?

Nothing.

Thanks for bringing him home.

I suppose you want
a free dinner now.

You're welcome.

Uh, Roseanne, can I
alk-tay with ou-YAY

in ivate-pray?

O-Kay-do-Kay.

Duh. I don't understand what
they're talking about, do you?

So what's up?

This is in the
strictest of confidence.

D.J. Has
a little problem.

Huh. Yeah. Where
you been, Jackie?

No. I mean there's
some bully at school

threatening to beat him up

unless he brings him
a Twinkie every day.

Are you sure?

Yes. He made me
buy a whole box.

That's what's in that bag.

Remember, this is just
between you and me.

Right.

D.J.!

Don't, Roseanne.
I promised him

I wasn't going to tell anybody.

Well, you lied.

Yeah?

What's this about your having
some problem at school

with some bully?

Deej, I'm sorry. She
forced it out of me.

Wuss.

Deej, what's going on?

It's ok.
If I give Kevin Morgan

two Twinkies every day,
he won't beat me up.

No. You can't go through
life giving in to bullies.

But I want to live!

I'm going to call the school.

You can't do that.

Everyone will think
he's a squealer.

Yeah. Then he'll really
get the cream cheese

kicked out of him.

Then I'll call
this kid's parents.

Don't do that!
He's going to beat me up!

What am I supposed to do?

I'll have to teach him to fight.

Come on, Dan. D.J.'s
just a little, tiny boy.

You know,

size isn't really the
issue here, Roseanne.

Uh, back when
I was on the force...

Here we go.

No. I'm just saying,

if you know what you're doing,

anybody can take out anybody.

I could put Dan on the
floor if I wanted to.

Yeah, yeah.

Then you could sprout little
pink wings and fly away.

What, you don't think I can?

Dan, I was a cop.

Take your best shot, officer.

Yaah!

Aah!

Ow, ow!
She pulled a hair out.

See?

I'll go teach the kid how
to take care of himself.

You know if D.J. Tries to
fight, he'll just get hurt.

Don't worry.
I'll make it clear

that fighting
isn't the answer...

Unless you're sure you can win.

Meantime, I'll just keep him
stocked up in Twinkies.

I guess I'll get this place
cleaned up for you.

I'll start by tossing
this letter from the school.

Might as well, I guess.

Well, all right, mom.

What's the matter? Darlene
having problems at school?

Not yet.

All right, everybody, listen up!

Today we are very lucky

to have as our guest speaker

a woman who chose to make
home economics her life.

I want you all to welcome

Mrs. Roseanne Conner.

Here. k*ll me.

Mrs. Conner has been
a wife and a mother

for years,

and she's come to us today

to present a sort of common-sense
approach to home economics.

Mrs. Conner.

Ok. Well...

Um, ok. Well, ok.

You know how a lot of people

don't think that being a
housewife is important, but, ok,

a lot of people depend on you,

and you got to be really
smart and dedicated.

Well, it's kind of
like being a doctor,

only, you know, um,
the hours are longer

and you don't get any pay

and, um...

It's way bloodier, so...

It's probably not like
being a doctor at all.

Well, anyway,
any questions or...

Yes, Darlene.

May I be expelled?

No, Darlene.

You got a question?

What did you really want
to do with your life?

Well, I tried, you know,

lounging on the beaches
of Europe,

but somehow
that just left me empty.

Believe this or not,

I really wanted
to have a family.

Maybe not the one I got, but...

You know.

What's your favorite soap opera?

Well... I don't do that.

Is that what you think,

that you just watch
soap operas and all that?

You know, raising a family,
well, it's a career.

Ok?

It's kind of like
managing a factory.

Now she manages a factory.

This will be way better
than the doctor thing,

trust me. Way better.

Ok. Like,
I think of my kids

like they're the product, right?

And if I can get them
out there on the market

without them getting
returned defective...

Then I done my job.

But what could you teach us

that we couldn't learn here?

Well... What are
you learning here?

Oh, well, yesterday we
baked a quiche Lorraine.

No, really?

Yes.

We think it's very important

to learn how to follow a recipe.

And we've learned how
to make our own clothes.

Oh. Well, how very Little
House on the Prairie.

I don't know anything

about that kind
of home economics.

What I know about is, like,
cleaning and shopping

and cooking for a family of five

on a really tight budget

and still having money left over

to buy that
all-important aspirin.

Well, I don't even know

if I could teach it
in class here.

I think we ought
to go on a field trip.

I think that's a great idea,

so why don't you get
permission from your parents

to spend an afternoon
with Mrs. Conner?

Oh, mom!

Oh, no, that's ok,
Darlene. You can go.

Didn't this class
have some boys?

They think shopping's
a girl thing.

Get used to that.

Can we get this over with?

Come on now, Darlene,
this can be fun.

Here, honey. You
can ride in the seat.

Aw. Aw. Aw.

It's just
the buy-n-bag.

We've been here a million times.

It's not just the
Buy-n-Bag, Darlene.

A supermarket is the
very blood and guts

of home economics, and besides,

it's what makes
our country great.

Where else in the world

are you going to find frozen
pizzas, microwave pizzas,

French bread pizzas,
thick crust pizzas,

pizza puffs, pizza rolls,

pizza squares, pizza tarts?

Did I tell you

you should never shop when
you're really hungry?

All right, girls.
The mission is meat.

You're making dinner
for five people,

and you're on a
really tight budget.

Uh, what's your name?

Meryl.

Step up to the meat counter

and pick a meat.
Any meat.

All right, let's see.

There's a lot of meat in here.

Some veal, some chicken.

Yeah, but you got four
loads in the laundry

and a sink full of dishes,

and your husband gets cranky

if he has to wait for his dinner.
Move! Move! Move!

All right, here!

God!

So, girls, let's see
what Meryl picked.

New York steak, hmm?

What does your dad
do for a living?

He's a dermatologist.

Oh, then that
would be a good choice.

Anybody here who doesn't
have a trust fund?

Darlene, what are we going
to have for dinner?

Well, I'm eating
at Meryl's house.

Who wants to see
a picture of Darlene

dressed up like a tulip
for her third-grade play?

Aw. Yeah. Aw.

Oh, not me.

Where's that ground garbage?

Here you go.

Yes, girls, ground beef...

The stuff that gives
meat loaf its bulk.

But meat's supposed
to be bad for you.

So are Kool-pops, but you got
to draw the line somewhere.

Let's roll.

Darlene, you stay
here with Mommy.

Why?

Because I've decided you're
going to be teacher's pet.

So all right, there we go.

Corn flakes, girls...

The most important ingredient

in tonight's entree.

Why do we need that?

How else you think

we're going to turn
pounds of ground beef

into pounds of
mouth-watering meat loaf?

And the leftovers
stay crunchy in milk.

All right, suck-up,
hand me a box there.

Oh, nay. That's
the name brand.

Here, Meryl.

Bon appetit.

We have to go for the generic.

Why, it's nothing but
second best for our family.

Wait. My cereal at home
is the name brand.

No. See, it's just
the name brand box.

I've been refilling it
with the cheap stuff...

Since .

You mean I've been eating
generic Frankenberries?

I'm sorry you had to find
out this way, sugar.

So anyways, all right,

we got our hamburger,
our corn flakes,

our potatoes.

I say we roll, huh?

What about a vegetable?

Ketchup.

Darlene, go pick up

a couple of boxes
of Twinkies over there.

How do they save you money?

They're for my brother.
Cheaper than karate lessons.

Excuse me.

We're going to go check out.

Do you all have your coupons?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

Did you rub off the
expiration date like I said?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

Ok, we're on a tight
schedule. Let's roll.

Yes, girls, this here
is the check-out line.

This is where you'll spend

the majority of your adult life.

And this is where they
really try to get you.

It's all about impulse buying,

but you got to try
to resist the impulse.

You got to say, "I do
not need anything here."

I do not need anything here.

Except for these here
tootsie rolls.

Do you believe this?

That woman's on every cover

of every one of these papers.

Look. She put
a voodoo curse

on her ex-husband.

She's a damn good
singer, though.

Look what this here
guy's buying...

Vodka, Mallomars,
and a TV Guide.

I'm thinking, "single
and staying that way."

Ma'am, you have more
than items here.

I got, like, .
Give me a break.

Move to another line.

Come on!

Those are the rules.

All right. I got
girls, items.

I'll give each one an item,

we'll be here for years.

Anybody in a hurry?

Ok, ok. I count items.

That's why it's called
the express line, girls.

You get to express yourself.

Price check on aisle three.

That's $ . .

Thank you.

I don't think it's worth
more than that, do you?

[Snoring]

Aah!

Well, girls, this is some

of what you're
going to be feeding.

Are you sure we bought enough?

In the kitchen.

Roseanne.

What's going on?

Who are all those girls?

They're ours, dearest.
Don't you remember?

My god. How long
have I been asleep?

All right, all right, you girls.

This is where
we're going to turn

all these fine
and dandy ingredients

into a lovely meal

that'll make your family
look you in the eye

and say,
"Let's eat out."

You, write this down.

Ok, take that meat
and the corn flakes

and the tomato sauce,
garlic salt, salt,

and a couple eggs.

Mush them all up and everything.

And then put it right
here in this cake pan

with the brown and black
stains on the bottom

and cook it at .

All right, girls,
there you have it...

A nutritious meal for five

plus two lunches
for only . .

Cheaper than fast food,
faster than cheap food,

and that is what I call
home economics.

How long do we cook it?

Till the oldest kid
comes down and whines,

"oh, god, not
meat loaf again!"

Call me when you're ready.

Wait. I don't see

why I have to be stuck
in this kitchen

cooking dinner for this family.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, why?

This is a proud, proud,
proud moment for me, girls.

Now you're sounding
like real housewives.

I can't believe they're in
there cooking us dinner.

Could they tune up the
truck for extra credit?

I suppose that depends

on how nice you're going
to be to the teacher.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Excuse me.

What kind of salad dressing

would you like,
Mr. Conner?

I don't know.

Nobody's ever
asked me that before.

Oh, you're just confusing
him now, Susie.

Orange or red, Dan?

Oh, orange.

It's the Thousand Island

in the door of the fridge.

Now, where were we, my pet?

Appetizers.

Oh, nobody needs to see that!

Someone just
pulled in our driveway.

Who?

I don't know.
He looked angry.

[Doorbell chimes]

You want to get that?

Ok.

Jeez.

Conner?

Possibly.

I'm Jim Morgan,
Kevin Morgan's father.

That's the kid that's
beating up on D.J.

That's not what I heard.

Kevin came home
with a fat lip today.

Said if he doesn't bring
D.J. Two Twinkies tomorrow,

he'll get it again.

You're saying D.J.
Was beating up your kid?

That's terrible!

D.J., come on
down here now!

Yeah, step on it, k*ller!

No sudden moves. We
don't want to rile him.

Yeah?

Come over here.

This is the kid?

D.J., uh, this is
Kevin Morgan's dad.

Uh-oh.

He says you've been
beating on his kid.

Is it true?

Wait. Something's wrong. Kevin
could take this kid apart.

D.J.,
what's going on?

Kevin was picking on me,

so I got somebody else
to pick on him.

I hired a bodyguard.

It cost me one Twinkie
every day.

My god, Dan. It's the
famous Twinkie defense.

I don't buy it.

Why wouldn't he just tell
me about this bodyguard?

Who's the bodyguard, Deej?

Maxine Spencer.

Ah.

Well, enough said, huh, Morgan?

That is one twisted
little kid you got there.

That twisted little kid was
just defending himself.

Your kid started
the whole thing.

I want you to call this off.

Not until you call your kid off.

You don't tell me what to do.

Settle down, or I'll
give my wife a doughnut

to kick your butt.

I'm out of here.

All right, Einstein!

Dan.

What?

Don't encourage him.

Kid's a genius!

He's an extortionist.

So, what,
now I'm buying Twinkies

for Maxine instead of Kevin?

No. I told Kevin
I'd call Maxine off

if he gives me
two Twinkies every day.

Then I give one to Maxine
and eat the other one.

Doesn't cost you anything.

He is a genius.

What are you doing out here?

I just wanted to tell you

I learned something
important today.

Your job is important,
and it's tough.

I'll marry a rich guy

so I don't have to do any of it.

Aw.

The student surpasses
the teacher, grasshopper.

Oh, god, not meat loaf again!

It's ready!

After you, godfather.

Rose?

Rosie?

Honey!

Rose?

Arrggghh!

I told you, Dan.
Size means nothing!

Rosie?

Aah!

Grrrr.

Urghhh.

If you start to black out,

tap me twice.

Want a beer, Jack?

Not right now.

You give up?
You give up?

Ahh.

Ohh!

No!
Aah!