03x14 - The Wedding

[bunniefuu]

I ordered chicken,
not salmon.

Who eats salmon
at a wedding anyway?

I'll tell you who--
not us, that's who.

Now I got
people coming.

. My cousin Trudy and her
family can come after all.

Ok, so it's chicken
for people.

It's no big deal. You
just add another bucket.

Roseanne, thank you for handling
these wedding preparations.

I told you a thousand
times, Crystal,

I'm happy to do it.

Where were we?

What is going on?

Grandpa wanted
to race us from the car.

He bet us each a buck
he could win.

Are we just going to
let him lie there?

Oh, my god! Ed!

Are you ok?

It's nothing
a plastic hip won't fix.

You should save some of that
energy for your honeymoon.

That's some
good advice.

Geez...

Check out the cool
stuff grandpa got us.

I got a bracelet.

And look at this.

That's
a chemistry set.

Every boy
should have one.

You shouldn't
have done that.

We could just
turn on the gas

and blow ourselves up.

It's perfectly
harmless.

We'll see.

Lonnie, why don't you
show them what I got you.

A Walkman.

That's wonderful.

You've been wanting one
for the longest time.

And now
I have one.

He wouldn't take
one of those little TV's.

Yeah, Lonnie.
You got to get into this.

You got a guy here trying
to buy your affections.

Let him.

Aren't they just the
sweetest little things?

I admit I'm
kind of a softie

when it
comes to grand-kids,

but Lonnie's
going to be my son.

And you got to be
tough with your boys.

Right, Lonnie-roo?

So, did you pick up your
bridesmaids' gowns?

Yeah. We got them
yesterday.

We're really honored
you asked us,

but we'd understand

if you'd rather honor
your adult friends.

Don't be silly. Why would
you think such a thing?

Because those gowns
are so dorky,

they make us
want to retch.

They're very nice.
They're just not us.

Yeah. They're
more for people

who get an allowance.

Hey, Beck,
let's go try those on.

Women, huh?

Hey. Oh-ho.

I'll bet you got a lot of
questions about women.

I guess.

Could we go now, mom?

Roseanne and I aren't done
with the seating plan.

That's fine, Crystal.
I can finish it.

You don't know
half the people.

That'll make it
go faster.

Please.

Take the boy home,
Crissy.

You can
do that later.

Well, if you
both think so.

You see, Lonnie.

I'm in there
pitching for you.

Right.
Thanks. Bye.

I'll see you
both later.

Lonnie and I are going to
have a wonderful relationship

when we get
over this hurdle.

The one where he thinks
you're the beast from hell?

That's the one.

He'll come around.

He and Crissy have been
alone for a long time.

Now there's
this new guy.

I've got
to try harder.

I don't think
that's possible.

You want
some coffee?

No thanks. I've got
to pick up my tux.

Hey, Danny boy.

Hey.

Don't worry. He's not
talking to me either.

Why does he
hate me so much?

I wasn't such
a bad father.

I kept his belly full--

way full.

Between him and Lonnie,
I got two boys

who won't give me
the time of day.

Maybe you'd do better
with daughters.

I got a couple you can
have for a nice price.

How much you asking?

Oh, cool! I thought
I had to pay you.

Your car's
out in the front.

I'll just
walk around.

It's cold out there.

Even colder
in there.

Good morning,
starshine.

Don't you think you should,
like, lighten up, Dan?

You betrayed me,
Roseanne.

Don't you think
that's a tad harsh?

I mean, I'm ordering
cocktail weenies for .

I'm not turning you
over to the Nazis.

You know I'm opposed
to this wedding.

Yes. You've made that
quite clear.

You're ordering
all this stuff

like what I say
means nothing.

The wedding's going to go
no matter who plans it.

And Crystal's
my best friend.

I'm your husband.
I outrank her.

You're supposed
to back me up.

Remember--
richer, poorer,

sickness, health,

death, part?

I never took
any vow to back you up

when you're
acting stupid.

This wedding is a joke,
and you know it.

No.
I do not know that.

Crystal's happy,
and your dad's happy.

That's what wedding's
are about.

Fine.
Have a good time.

You've got to go.
You're the best man.

Your whole family's
going to be there.

Your aunt Mildred's going
to dance with the band,

and uncle Pete's going to pull
a quarter out of his nose

like he always does.

You're not leaving me
alone with those people.

Forget it.
You're on your own.

There's going
to be cake.

Ok, that's
from me.

You slut.

I could
never wear this.

What would Ed think?

There won't be enough
blood left in his brain

to think anything.

He's a pig.

All men are pigs.

Jackie, you're
just saying that

because you don't have
a date for the wedding,

and everyone else does.

What's your point,
Crystal?

Simply that you don't
have to be so bitter.

I'm not bitter.

Oh, no.
Of course not.

If you excuse me,

I have to use
the ladies' room.

That's like the
eighth time, Crystal.

We ought to move this
shindig into the John.

Oh, Roseanne.

I am not bitter.

Give it a rest, Jackie.

I'm looking forward to spending
time with Becky and Darlene.

[Doorbell rings]

Becky and Darlene
have dates.

Darlene?

Darlene has a date?

Now, I'm bitter.

Anne Marie!
You made it!

Of course. Your parties were
legends when we were kids.

I got more
boring friends now.

Don't keep
your hopes up.

Anne Marie!

Hey, Crystal!

Congratulations!

I'm so glad Roseanne
ran in to you.

How long's it been?

Since high school.
What you been up to?

Well,
after graduation,

there was this party at
Sarah Foster's house

where I met Rusty, who
became my first husband.

But not until
July of that year.

By August the spark
had flickered.

So we split up, and
I married Travis.

He was a whole other
can of worms.

He was
an arc welder.

And when we divorced, he
cut the trailer in half.

But you know,
we remain friends...

Do something.

Oh, I know
what let's do.

Let's play "who
knows Crystal best."

Ok, I'll say
the first question.

Um...What was Crystal's
nickname in high school.

Oh, too easy.

Right.
That was it.

That's not true.

I got one. I know!

What was playing on Gilbert
Coswell's car radio

the night Crystal did
it for the first time?

Jackie!

Jackie!
That was told to you

in the strictest
of confidence!

Hey! You got a man in
your life, and I don't,

so throw me a bone!

Ok. Any guesses?

You don't mean that
Rusty wasn't her first?

Yes, he was.

Yes, he was!

This game isn't
fun anymore.

Ok, was it
Stairway to Heaven?

No.

Crystal blue persuasion?

How about
my sweet lord?

Well, that wasn't coming
from the car radio.

I know what it was!

Roseanne,
don't you dare!

Oh, Crystal.

♪ My baby does
the hanky panky ♪

♪ my baby does
the hanky panky ♪

♪ my baby does
the hanky panky ♪

Ok. Ok!

Thank you for sharing
my secrets

with the whole
wide world,

Roseanne and Jackie
blabbermouth.

Uh-oh.

Well, I'll be back.

We're
just k*lling time

till the stripper
gets here, right?

Oh, Crystal.

We were just
kidding around.

We're sorry.

Yeah.
We're sorry, ok?

Ok.

Let's go
back in there.

Just a moment.

What's the matter,
Crystal?

I'm not in the mood
for a party now.

Something wrong?

I'd rather
not say.

Oh, come on, Crystal.
You can trust us.

With the big stuff.

I suppose I have
to tell someone.

Roseanne, Jackie...

I'm pregnant.

Are you sure you're
not just late?

I don't think so.

I got the signs.

I've been nauseous
and eating like crazy.

And my doctor
said I'm pregnant.

Well, so, uh,
are we happy or sad?

Well, happy.

I think it's great!

We're happy for you,
Crystal.

Geez, oh, wow.

Does Ed know?

Of course.

Do you want
a boy or a girl?

I've dreamed
of having a girl.

What if it's a boy?

Simple operation.

Oh, Roseanne.

I can't find
my bowling ball.

Do you know
where it is?

Yes, it's
in the bedroom closet,

where it always is.

Aw, Roseanne,
I'm so sorry.

You two are hardly talking,
and it's my fault.

That's pretty much
how I see it, too.

Maybe if I tell him
about the baby,

he won't be so upset
about the wedding.

I don't think so.

Well, well,
maybe it'll help.

No, don't do that.

Dan, listen.

Your father and I,
we've been--

we were going
to tell--

uh...

She's pregnant.

I told you
not to tell him.

[Knock on door]

Door's open.

Danny boy.

Come on in.

Just throwing myself a
little bachelor party here.

Usually the best man
makes the party,

but you do
with what you got.

What are you doing?

What's it look like?

I'm nursing this beer,

and I'm watching
a dirty movie

through all those
little squiggly lines.

Why don't you just
pay the bucks?

They'll unscramble it.

Then they'll know I'm in
here watching a dirty movie.

Grab a beer.
You'll need it.

In two minutes, you'll
have a hell of a headache.

So, to what do I owe
this great honor?

Dad, I know
Crystal's pregnant.

Oh.

Heh heh.

She wasn't supposed to tell
anybody till after the wedding.

Are you doing this because
you have to get married?

No, no.

Oh, that's gross.

Danny, you're right.

I have to get married.

Because Crystal's
the best thing

that's happened to me
in a long time.

And what about the baby?

He's fine with this.

You're making
a mistake, dad.

What am I
supposed to do,

cancel this wedding?

Let Crystal
raise a kid alone?

No.

What are you saying?

Maybe you should wait.

Wait for what?

You got no business
raising a kid.

Why?

You know damn well why.

I don't want
to watch it again.

You're gonna be on the road.

He'll grow up just like I did.

Without a father.

Crystal will suffer
like Mom did.

It's not about Crystal
and our baby.

It's about you and me.

How I screwed up
your life.

Look at you.

You got a nice family,
you own a business.

How can you forgive me?

Name one thing
you did for me

that took time
instead of money.

Fine,
I am a rotten father!

I am a rotten father!

Ok?

Dan, I'm tired of this!

Ok, I made mistakes,

with you
and with your mother,

but I got
a second chance.

I thought that you would
want to help.

But you don't.

Crystal and I will
do it by ourselves.

And I'm not going to
apologize to you anymore,

because you'll never
let me off the hook.

Now, if you
don't mind...

You're bringing
my party down.

Ready.

Oh, I know.

Jackie,
get on that table.

I'll get up here.

Crystal,
just walk under here

and stick your arms
through.

Roseanne,

I just want you
to know

how grateful I am
for all your help.

Jackie, I appreciate
your help, too,

but not as much.

You're welcome,
Crystal.

Oh, I'm sorry,
Jackie.

It's just
I'm so nervous.

So, Roseanne,

did you speak to Dan
this morning?

No. I was sleeping
when he left.

Just won't be the same
without him.

Crystal,
you look beautiful.

You look
absolutely radiant.

Uh-oh.

What?

I have to use the potty.

Can't believe we have
to wear this crud.

It's only a few hours.
You'll live.

But we can't duck the
photographer the whole time.

There's a photographer?

Come on, D.J.

This is not a race.

Nice tux.

Ready?

Nice tux.

Yeah, I've been getting

a lot of compliments
on it lately.

I feel so bloated.

Who could have foreseen,
decades ago,

when a younger Ed
met a -year-old Crystal,

that years later,

they would
be standing here,

ready to enter
into holy matrimony.

You didn't foresee that,
right?

Good.

Then let's proceed.

What is marriage?

You probably think
you're better than me

'cause you're married.

Well, you're not.

I could be married
if I wanted to be.

There's far more to life
than being married.

Marriage is one more way
for men to enslave women.

So get out
of the cave, Crystal.

This is the th--what?

Oh, ok.

You're going to throw
the bouquet now!

Come on.

Wait up. Wait.

Oh.

Oh.

Congratulations,
daddy and mommy.

I hope you're as happy
together as Rosey and me.

Now say something nice.

I'm real happy
about my little brother.

He can use
any of my toys,

except for my Lincoln logs
and Jerry Mahoney dummy.

But really, um...

I'll be
there for you, dad.

I'll always be there
for you.

Cake!

, .

Congratulations,
Crystal and grandpa.

And Crystal.

We love you guys.

Well, first I'd like
to say congratulations,

uh, you guys.

And, uh, Crystal,

you're part
of our family now.

You're like
my mother-in-law,

so you got to call
before you come over

so I can clean up.

Don't come over
that often.

But seriously,
though,

I'm really happy
for you guys,

and, you know,
I'm happy for you.

Congratulations.

Ok, cut.

That's good,
that's good.

I don't have
anything else to say.

Congratulations.

Ok, there, I said it.

Anyways, congratulations,
Crystal and Fred.

What?

No, his name's Fred.

It's Fred.

Are you sure?

Anyways, congratulations,
Crystal and Ed.

Embarrassing.

Crystal,
this is dedicated to you.

Here it comes.

♪ My baby does
the hanky-panky ♪

♪ my baby does
the hanky-panky ♪

♪ my baby does
the hanky-panky ♪

Are we going to let
her lie there?