03x08 - PMS, I Love You

[bunniefuu]

Today's the day.

hours of hell.

All right, I must clear my mind.

The bed is cold.

She probably has
a good half hour on me.

Got to get out.

Got to stay out all day.

Minimize the damage.

Get far away from ground zero.

Getting too old for this.

The horror.

The horror.

Shh!

Shh!

Before Dan gets up,

let's go over the plans
for his surprise party.

Crystal, what do you
have to report?

I want to thank you for
having me do decorations.

You're quite welcome.

And, in light of our $ budget,

I have decided upon
balloons and stupid hats.

Good choice.

And now can we hear
from the cake committee?

Two "P"s in happy, right?

How are you going to get
Dan down there, Roseanne?

I'll say, "it's all-you
can-eat-night at the lodge.

You got to
defend your crown."

So what should we do?

You help Crystal
with decorations.

Darlene, I don't care if
you want to go or not,

you're going.

I hate these parties.

No kid should have to
watch their parents

do the hully-gully.

Not for the squeamish.

Good morning, dad.

Crystal, let's get out
to those garage sales.

Yeah, you can always
find a bargain.

Dad, where you going?

Fishing.

Today?

Goodbye.

It's November, dad.

The lake is frozen.

Then I'm bowling.
See you tomorrow.

Dan, wait! Don't you want
to be with your family?

Is this a trick question?

What about the
Michigan/Illinois game, dad?

Don't you guys realize
what today is?

Oh, Dan, I forgot.

It's Dan's birthday.

It is?

Happy birthday, Dan.

Forget my birthday.

Do I have to spell it out?

P-m-s.

Oh, my god!

Are you sure?

years, every days.

Yes, I'm sure.

I don't know, Dan.

Roseanne seems perfectly
pleasant today.

When have you
ever known Roseanne

to be perfectly pleasant?

I'm at the mall.

I got basketball practice.

Me, too.

No, no! Hold on!

It'll be a -hour
roller coaster ride

with Sybil at the switch.

When my hormones act up,

I'm good for one
solid day of pure mean.

Once I busted a street light

for every man who
ever broke my heart.

Yeah, I remember
the great blackout of ' .

Dan, wait.
You can't leave.

If you don't let go,

I'm prepared to gnaw
my own arm off.

Dan! Dan!

Roseanne's got
a big surprise party

planned for you
down at the lodge.

There's going to be
like people there.

No, it can't be.

Now, Dan, don't worry.

Roseanne does not have
PMS today.

Dan.

Do you think I'm pretty?

I'm out of here!

Ok. So far, so good.

Dan's out working in the garage,

out of the line of fire.

Dan!

Dan, you in there?

Yeah!

What are you doing?

Fixing this thing here.
It's...

Hair.

Hair is different.

Do I like it?

What if she doesn't?

Got to say something before...

Don't you like my hair?

Too late.

I love it!

I can't believe it.

I do something to make myself

a little more attractive to you,

and you don't even notice.

I didn't do this for myself.

I can't even see
the hair on my head.

God, you men!

You're taking me and the kids

to the lodge at : ,
and that's it.

I don't care if it is
your birthday.

Dan.

I love you.

: !

He doesn't suspect a thing.

I tricked him into going, but...

No, he just thinks

it's another normal
birthday dinner.

Mom, you're ironing the towels?

I can't wait around for
you to do it, can I?

Stay away from those towels!

I have to refold them!

Why don't you go put on
your pretty pink dress

with the little flowers on it?

The pink dress? The
one I had on first?

And tell your sister
to hurry up.

This whole family
would fall apart

if I wasn't here.

You're wearing that one?

No.

And hurry up!

I'm starving!

This whole surprise party thing

sure seemed a lot
better last week.

Whose stupid idea
was this, anyway?

I know it was.

Don't throw it in my face.

Don't patronize me, Crystal!

If you're going to have
that kind of attitude,

don't come if you don't want to.

You want to, don't you?

It wouldn't be a party
without you.

Wow.

Aah!

You know, Dan,
I've been thinking.

Maybe I ought to take
some night school classes

like creative writing,
word processing,

or something like that.

Oh. Ok. I'm supposed
to say something here.

Let's try...

Sounds good, honey.

Maybe I should really
join an aerobics class

and try to get in shape.

I could do both,
but I'd never be home.

What do you think?

Um...

Oh, you look like the
perfect little gentleman.

Let's see your hands.

They're filthy.
You wash them.

You ought to wash
your hands, too, Dan.

Oh, this tie!

I've always loved this tie.

The green and stuff.

I'll change into my green
dress so we'll match!

Stay away from those
clean towels.

Dan?

Save yourself.

I kind of want to
apologize to you

'cause, well, I'm sorry.

I know I've been a
little excitable today.

Hadn't really noticed, honey.

Know what I asked Darlene to do?

Catalog all my coupons
according to expiration date

and the four food groups.

Then I began this letter

to my third grade best friend.

I haven't had her address

for something like years!

That's ok, honey.

You get whacked out
every now and then.

What's your point, Dan?

I really don't have a point.

Say it because I know
what you're thinking.

You think I have PMS.

No, I wasn't thinking that,

but I have been
reading on it lately.

Do you know they have pills
that supposedly help...

If you did have PMS.

A pill?

A pill!

You want me to take a pill?

Do they have
a pill for you, Dan?

Oh!

We're going to be late

for Roseanne's surprise party.

It's my surprise party, Jackie,

and why didn't you stop her?

I hate surprise parties.

The only people having fun

are the people
who were in on it.

You're in on it.

Can we go so we can get home?

Is she changing
into another outfit?

Or another personality.

Let's just enjoy
our one moment of peace.

Dan, get in here!

I love you, daddy.

You're going in.

Could be a su1c1de mission.

Stay low.

Stay low.

Don't worry.
You'll get through this.

Somewhere your real wife
waits for you.

[Door opens]

Come here, you big sexy man.

That's not her.

Of course you don't have
to tell your real wife.

We're out of here.

Jeez, what were you guys
doing in there?

Never mind.
Let's go.

Honey, come on.

We're almost going
to be real late.

I'm not going.

Ok, ok, look, we've been
through this before.

We know she's got
different personalities.

We've seen them all.

How can I go when we're
destroying the ozone layer?

.

Kids, I want you
to remember this.

PMS is serious stuff.

It causes depression,
anxiety, physical pain.

And it's rough
on your mother, too.

Listen, everybody,

I'm going to check
if our table's ready.

You wait for me.

Hey, now, nobody eats
the food, got it?

Now, get around the door here

and be really, really quiet.

Then when Dan comes in,
just yell surprise.

You know how, right?

Our table's ready.

- Surprise!
- Surprise!

♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ for he's
a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ for he's
a jolly good fellow... ♪

Come on. I'm starving.
Let's eat.

Isn't this great, Dan?

All your friends came.

It's great, Roseanne.

How did you do this
without me knowing?

You really were
surprised, weren't you?

Are you kidding?
When I...

You know, Dan, we should
have a song, shouldn't we?

Then, whenever we hear it,
we'd go, that's our song.

Did I invite you?

Eddie, Eddie, hi.
How you doing?

Oh, ok. You're
all right then.

Roseanne, I love your hair.

See, Dan.

So, what do you think, Roseanne?

About what?

The decorations.

I planned this very carefully.

I bet you didn't realize

there are exactly
balloons here.

?

Dan is , Crystal.

[Pop]

Well, I'm sorry, Roseanne.

I got him one to grow on.

You needn't apologize to me.

Apologize to Dan
for ruining his party!

[Bad, bad Leroy Brown plays]

There he goes.

Hey, this ought to be our song.

Play it again.

I'm pooped.

I'm sitting.

You're no fun.

Come dance with me, sis.

Nah...

Please?

Don't you think the
party's going real good?

The party's going great.

Dan's having a good
time, don't you think?

Are you kidding?

What we have to remember is,

she's a wonderful woman

when her estrogen
isn't whipping her

into a psychotic frenzy.

Yeah.

Like when I sprained my
ankle, she was there.

And when I got ditched
at the dance.

And when your parents
separated, Dan.

She was there.

Let's face it...
She's bad luck.

Let's go see if mom

left any chocolate
on the dessert table.

Need anything, Dan?

Menopause.

And there's some damn
good-looking guys here tonight.

Ah, get off.

It's been almost a month
since Gary dumped you.

Uh, I dumped Gary.

Yeah. Now here you are
at some crummy party

dancing with your sister.

It breaks my heart
to see you like this.

I'm fine!

You don't have to yell.

I'm the one person
that loves you most.

Roseanne!

If you weren't my sister,

I just don't know who would be.

Having fun?

Yeah.

You're probably wondering
where Nancy is.

Who's Nancy?

We had a fight.

She said she paid
for everything.

She kicked me out.

I'm living in my car.

Actually, it's her car.

I guess poker night
at your place is out.

Why?

Singing telegram for Dan Conner!

What's that?

Me and the guys got together

to say happy birthday.

Well, hello there, birthday boy.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

[Music plays]

Whoo!
Whoo!

Whoo!
Whoo!

Yeah!

[Music stops]

Out!

Well, uh...

Out! Out! Out!
Out! Out! Out!

You are the reason

why there will never
be a woman president!

Whose idea was this?

I might have known.

Rosie.

I blame you for it, Dan.

I might have expected it
from your slimy friends,

but not from the father
of my children.

I'm sorry, dear.

As if that makes everything ok.

That poor woman was only
trying to do her job

and has been made
to feel like dirt.

I have to go comfort her,
thanks to you!

Mental note...

k*ll Arnie.

Dan.

Dan.

Oh, Dan, Dan!

She's making people
do the limbo!

You're kidding.

No.

Oh, my god.

It's your shift.

It's my birthday.

There are no birthdays in hell.

Go before somebody's hurt.

Give me a minute.

I just realized
I'm years old.

. Next year,
I'll be .

. That's almost
middle-aged.

What have I done with my life?

Oh, cut the introspective
crap and get in there!

Why do I have to put up
with this every month?

So she's got hormones.

Why should she
just get away with it?

When is it my turn?

When will everybody
tiptoe around me?

When do I get PMS?

Better now?

Yeah, I'm good.

Come on. We're
just about ready

to open the presents.

Presents.

That... that's almost
the end, right?

No.

[Sob]

Cake.

Come on, everybody.
Gather around.

Dan's going to open
his presents now. Come on.

Look, everybody!

Aw.
Aw.

It's a little clown.

D.J. Made it himself.

It's a macaroni thing.

Oh, look, honey.

He even spelled out "dad"

using little,
tiny spaghetti-Os.

Oh.
Oh.

Oh, and you said
he had no talent.

Let's see what's
inside this one, huh?

Hang in there, champ.

Only a couple more rounds to go.
You're doing fine.

Can I have your attention?

I'd like to propose
a toast to my husband,

so everybody
hold up your glasses.

Higher.

For you, Dan Conner,

my husband, my best friend,

the father of these children.

You...

Are the ink in my pen.

You... are the paper
on which I write.

We've been married for years.

We've had many wonderful times.

We've had many, many bad times.

Happy birthday, honey.

Hear, hear.
Hear, hear.

Like when we sawOl'
Yeller and you cried.

You made me promise I'd
never tell anybody,

and I never have,
and I never will.

Thank you, dear.

So here's to you, Dan Conner,

my husband, my soul mate,

my friend, my rock...

God, please let this be over.

A big rock on my couch

that does nothing but watch TV.

That's it.

God's a woman.

Occasionally,
it'll ask for a beer,

and I have to get it

because it's just a rock.

A rock can't roll over
to the refrigerator,

so I have to
get the beer for it.

Yeah, a big TV-watching,
beer-drinking rock...

But he's my rock,
and I must live with it.

So happy birthday, Dan!

Happy birthday, Dan!

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ happy birthday to you ♪

♪ happy birthday,
dear Dan ♪

♪ happy birthday to you ♪

Make a wish, Dan.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

All right, Dan!

Happy birthday.
All right.

Yes!

I got my wish!

[Groan]

Happy birthday, Dan.

My birthday was
yesterday, Roseanne.

I know, but we forgot

to do your traditional
birthday breakfast.

What's it going to be,

pancakes, waffles, an omelet?

Nothing's too good for my man.

I think I'll just
go to the bedroom,

read the paper,
not talk to a soul.

Is that ok with you, Roseanne?

God, he gets so damn moody.

Happens every month, too.

Hmpfh, men!