05x23 - Glengarry, Glen Rosey

[bunniefuu]

[Jackie]
I am warning you.

Mom, if you don't stop
treating me like a child,

I am packed up
and out of your place
by tonight.

That's the coffee
talking, Jackie.

Hold on a second.
What's that?
Okay, i'll tell her.

The coffee says
you're a meddling old bat

Who's sapping
my will to live.

Well, i'm sorry if I
care about you, Jackie,

But I watch you
every day.

I'm just concerned
about this reckless
lifestyle of yours.

Reckless lifestyle?

I am living with my mother
in a retirement community!

Now I see why
you have so much
trouble with people.

Not people, mom!

You!

I know you think
you have a terrible mother,

But you should
thank your lucky stars.

There are women out there
who have to go
to psychiatrists

Because their mothers
were so horrible.

Surprise, mom!
Twice a week.

Oh. Well.

And I suppose
you lie there

And talk about
what a bad mother I am.

I just hope
I don't run into
this doctor someday.

God knows what
he'll think of me.

First of all, mom,
my therapist is a woman.

Oh, how modern.

And I suppose
this woman teaches you

How to blame
everything on me.

No, I already know
how to blame
everything on you.

She just
tells me i'm right.

Oh, really?

Well, fine.
If that's the way
you want it,

As of now,
you have no mother.

Nope! Nope! No!

These sick,
sadistic games

Aren't gonna
work on me anymore, mom.

You no longer have
any control over me.

Got it? I do not
allow it in my life!

What, what is it now?

I'm sorry, Jackie.
You're right.

Mom--

No, it's true, Jackie.

I'm just reaching
a point in my life

Where I have to
admit a few things.

I drove
your father away.

And now it seems
you and Roseanne
don't want me around.

Maybe I deserve to spend
the rest of my life alone.

Mom, it's not
all your fault.

It's just that my problem
is I blame my mistakes
on other people.

It's just--
it's not you, mom.

It's me. It's me.
It's all me.

I'm just no good.

You know, Jackie,
I think I was wrong.

This therapy is
working out very well.

[laughing]

They paved the whole
sidewalk there,

And they built the porch,

But the doorbell here,
that's my idea.

'cause that's only,
like, $ . at the store,

But it adds $ value
to the house.

Roseanne, roger's got
a live one in the back.

Hey, Deej, why don't
you ride your bike
past the bedroom window?

It'll make
the neighborhood look quaint.

Yeah, but watch out
for all those crackheads
on the corner.

Oh, really nice built-ins.

Man, i've been
after you for years

To build me
shelves like this.

They were
supposed to go

Next to my
entertainment center.

What entertainment center?

That entertainment center.

God, Dan, it's like you're
cheating on our house.

Dan, he really
loves what you did
to the kitchen.

All those big cabinets,
the tiled countertops,
spice rack.

Spice rack?

You bastard.

It was only
a little one, honey.

I'm going in here,
and I had better not find

Any ironing board
coming out of any wall.

[thump]

Dan!

Come with me.
Tell her you did it.

The place really does
look great, Roger.

Thank you.
Would you like
the grand tour?

I could show you
around the house.

You could show me
around Lanford.

Starting with dinner
on Friday night.

Wait a minute.
Aren't you dating Nancy?

My business partner Nancy?
My friend Nancy?

All three of them, yes.

But ours is a completely
casual relationship.

I can date other women.

She can date other women.

You know, Roger, Nancy
is a casual type of person,

But i'm a real uptight,
do-it-by-the-rules
kind of gal,

And one of the rules
is never date

Your lesbian
friend's boyfriend.

Roseanne, you're making
too big a deal out of this.

You even painted
the names on, Dan.

The pepper place,
the oregano place,
the salt place.

I promise
you'll get one.

When, Dan?
When will I get
my pepper place?

I swear, Dan said
he was gonna build
you one, Roseanne.

Shut up!

Excuse me. Roger.
I've seen everything.
Can we talk for a minute?

Absolutely.

Excuse us, everyone.

Sure. Hey. Hi.

Hi.

Man, we're cutting it
pretty close.

There's only
five days before
the mortgage is due.

Oh, well,
don't worry about it

Because Roger can
sell anything to anybody.

Look what he sold Nancy.

Look, chaps,
I think we should
stay here a while

In case some other
people come by.

Oh, sure.

He didn't like
the backyard,
did he?

No, he liked the backyard.

Then what?
The house is too small?

No, he liked the house.

We should stay here
so we can tell
the other people

The house
is already sold.

Roger, i'm gonna kiss you!

No, Dan,
you're not.

[Roseanne]
ah, kiss me.

Congratulations, you guys!

Hey, yeah, well,
what about me, you know?

I'm the one
that forced Dan

to get involved
in the first place.

Yes, you did, honey.

Men, let's hear it
for being whipped.

You did great
work here, guys.

Thank you, my friend.

This is it.
This is my future.

Come on, honey.
Let's go home.

I'm building you
a spice rack, baby.

Oh, now that we're rich,
I don't want one of
your crummy jobs.

I want
a store-bought one.

Gold digger.

Whoa. Look at her go,
spending all that new money.

Ha ha! Don't try
to stop me,

Because i'm headed
over here for
the $ table.

Do you have this
in a husky?

Why? I think it
fits you real good.

Really?
Really.

[mouthing]
thank you.

Sorry i'm late.
Mom couldn't let me go.

I still had an ounce
of self-esteem left.

Oh, Jackie,
it's your own fault

For telling her
about your shrink
in the first place.

I was cornered.
I had to hurt her.

Move out, Jackie.

I know you're afraid
to get out there and mix,

But, you know, the world is
a lot less scarier than mom.

Jackie, Roseanne,
what do you think?

I think it could be
a little snug.

It's not for me,
it's for my baby.

Oh, Nancy,
are you dressing up
that cat again?

No. I think i'm going
to be pregnant.

What do you mean
by "gonna be"?

Well, it means I really want
to have a baby,

And Roger's
gonna be the father.

Whoa. Roger wants
to have a baby?

I don't know.
I haven't asked him.
I don't really care.

As soon as
I get pregnant,

I'm gonna end
the relationship.

You're not even
taking his feelings
into consideration.

You're treating him
like he's some
sperm dispenser.

That's not true.

Roger's a very
special person...

And he has great teeth.

[scoffs]

I can't even believe
she's doing that.

I mean, what is she
gonna tell the kid

When it comes out
with a british accent?

Nancy as a mom.
Too weird.

Oh, yeah. I just can't wait
to see that baby

In the little stretch pants
and high heels.

Well, maybe we're not
being fair to Nancy.

People change.

Maybe having a baby
is a sign

She's becoming less
self-involved.

Guys, look at
this stroller.

What do you think?

You think it
makes me look fat?

Come on, Darlene.
We're all alone.

No one will be
home for hours.

No, we shouldn't
do this here.

It's okay.
No.

My parents have probably
done it on this couch.

Let's go.

Where you going?

I thought you're
not allowed upstairs

When there's no one here.

That's right, D.J.

And i'm not allowed
in your bedroom at night

Holding a pillow
over your face.

But i'll be there.

I'm not scared of you.

There's groceries
out in the car.

Go get 'em.

I wish I had someone
to boss around like that.

Oh, wait, I do.
Go help him.

D.J., where'd you get
those jelly beans?

From the bin
at the store.

D.J., I told you.

You've gotta finish eating them
while you're in the store

Or else it's stealing.

I'm sorry.

Well, you put those
back in your pocket.

When we go shopping
again next week,

You put 'em back
in the bin.

Hey.

Hey, what's the good word?

The buyer backed out.

Uh, maybe you didn't
hear the question.

He didn't even
give a reason.

He just changed
his mind.

Now I gotta figure out
how the hell

I'm gonna pay the bills
for all the supplies.

Well, so?
You just go to Roger

And get him to front you
the money until the house sells.

I can't do that.

He's an important
business contact.

I don't wanna look
like some bum asking
for a handout.

Well then, wear a tie.

I'm not gonna do it.

I'll go to the lumber yard
and ask for more days
on my credit.

The house
is bound to sell by then.

And what if you can't
get the extension?

Well then, i'll finally
have the time

To build you those shelves
you've been wanting.

Of course, they'll be
free-standing shelves

In the middle of the field
we'll be living in.

That's the last time
i'm bringing groceries
into this house.

Hmmph.
You got that right.

Man, I can't believe
that lumber yard

Wouldn't give you
an extension.

I never thought
i'd say this.

I'm too depressed to drink.

You know,
i'm really sorry I got
you into this, Dan.

You can't blame yourself.

Listen, life's worth nothing
if you don't take risks.

Of course, we took the risks,
and we're still worth nothing.

You know, anne-marie and I
haven't worked in months.

If this thing
doesn't sell,

I don't know how
we're gonna live.

Hey, I owe a ton of money
to a lumber yard.

I don't know if
i'm gonna live.

I'm in way more trouble
than you are.

At least Roseanne
has a business.

I wish I had a wife
who would carry me.

Roseanne doesn't carry me.

Oh, come on, Dan.

It's not a big deal.

Yeah, it is.

You're saying
I can't support myself.

I didn't say "can't."

I said "don't."

Hey, Chuck, you know what?

Remember a while ago
when I said you shouldn't
blame yourself for all this?

I was wrong. You go ahead
and blame yourself all you want!

Hey, look,
it's not my fault
that you're so stupid

You jump into
a business deal

And don't have the money
to back it up.

Hey, nobody calls me
stupid in this house
that doesn't live here!

Well, fine!

I'll go outside
and yell it
through the window!

Here's a hint:

The window's
the square thing with
the glass in it.

Oh! Oh, you're
trying to say

I don't know anything
about construction?

No! Everybody
puts a fuse box
in the shower!

I thought it was a closet.

The way you build 'em,
it's hard to tell
the difference.

Hey! We're not done yet.

[low voice]
hey, that's
my shoulder, man.

You sure
it's not a closet?

Look, i'm warning you.
Don't touch me, Conner.

Who's gonna stop me?

Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, you're gonna
break my house.

What's the hell's
going on?

We didn't get
the extension.

Thanks to this
jerk here,
we're out grand!

Well, gee, Dan,
this is an emergency.

You might have to go out
and get a job.

Whoa!
You, in the house.

You go home and tell
your mom you can't
play here no more.

What are you doing
fighting with your best friend

Over some business deal?

And why didn't you get
that extension?

Oh, you're the one that told
me we should get into this
in the first place.

No, no, no, no, no!

What I told you is that
you should not use me

As an excuse
not to do it, okay?

Besides, in my version
we become zillionaires

And everyone we hate
is crushed under
our immense wealth.

[knock on door]

If all is running
true to form,

That should be
the angel of death.

[chuckles]
close.

Danny, I have
wonderful news.

Thank god!
You sold the house!
Nope. Better than that.

You know that big
old victorian on
Pine and Central?

My contractor
dropped out.

Absolute wimp.
No vision.

So i'm offering you
first sh*t at this.

All we need is an extra
, to meet our nut.

Sorry, Roger.
Dan's out of nuts.

Roseanne,
this is a sure thing.

We can make twice
as much as we're making
on the other place.

Well, let's see,
two times zero is...

Not enough.

We gotta make at least
four times zero.

Listen, rog, the bill
for the lumber yard's
due any minute.

I was gonna ask you
to float me a loan
until the house sells.

Dan. Daniel.

Danny.

You're a great talker.
You can get more credit.

It's just paper.

Rog. Roger.

Roggie!

It's just food on the table.

I mean, come on,
we're not even sure

The first place
is gonna sell.

What are you saying?
I don't know how
to sell the place?

I can sell anything.

I've even sold hovels
worse than this one.

Whoa. Dan, uh...

Robin leach here
is beginning
to lose his charm.

I didn't mean that.
I'm sorry.

I can be such a beast.

I just don't want to
lose you as partners.

What can I do
to help you?

You can buy me out.

You can't
pull out now, Dan.

Not after you put in
all that hard work.

There must be some
way you can put
these people off.

Just don't answer
the phone.

Oh, yeah, right.
Or when they come up
to the door,

We'll turn all
the lights off,

Or we won't
sign the check,

Or we'll leave
the envelope unsealed

So they think the check
fell out of it.

I'm sorry, roger,
but we're not
that kind of people.

Well, fair enough.

I'll come by
tomorrow

With a cashier's check
for $ , .

And i'll tell you what.

For the extra time
and sweat that you
put into the place,

I'll throw in
another , .

I don't want to lose
our friendship over
this one deal.

All right, then.

See you tomorrow.

You don't have to give us
the extra two grand, rog.

I'm way too proud
to take your money.

[knock on door]

[groans]
who the hell is that?

Roseanne, roger left me!

I can't believe it.
How could he do this?

How could he be
so insensitive?

I didn't even
have a chance to ovulate.

I don't understand.

[quietly]
I don't want to.

It really felt like
we were right for each other.

Oh, I know.
You think you're using
the right guy.

And he left with
the $ , I gave him.

What? He left
the apartment...

Or he left town?

Both.

What happened
to the hugging?

Nancy, are you sure
he's gone?

Yeah. I went by his place
and it's empty.

And I talked to his landlady,
and he left the key.

Oh, man!
This is unbelievable.

I'm gonna
k*ll him.

It's so sweet of you two
to be concerned,

But i'll be okay, really.

Nancy, we're not
talking about you!

He conned us
out of five grand.

And now we gotta
unload that house.

I can't believe
he did this to you.

My friends!

I think you should
track him down.

And when you do,
you tell him
i'm really hurt...

And that i'm just
stupid enough

To have sex with him
one more time!

Oh, man, we're screwed.

No, Dan, we are so far
beyond screwed

That the light
from screwed

Will take
one billion years
to reach the earth.

Dan, what are you
doing here so early?

Roseanne doesn't
come in till noon.

I know. I kinda needed
to talk to you alone, Bev.

Listen, Bev, I need to borrow
$ , until that house sells.

Now, you know i'd rather
do anything than
beg you for money,

But you're
the only person I know

That can't possibly think
any less of me.

Well, Dan,
this is uncomfortable.

I don't want to be
the one you turn to

Every time you have
a little financial crisis.

I don't blame you.

This reminds me
of the little story

Of the grasshopper
and the ant.

Oh, yeah. They walked
into the bar with
the rabbi and the priest?

The grasshopper,
if I remember correctly,
played all summer

While the little ant
toiled and toiled saving food.

But when winter came,

That silly grasshopper
would have starved to death,

But the kindly ant
took him in.

The grasshopper
enjoyed today,

But never gave a thought to
the cold, cold winter to come.

Do you understand
what i'm saying, Dan?

Yes, Beverly.

I am a grasshopper.

But someday, I hope
to be an ant like you.

Thanks for
waking me up, mom!

You said
you didn't want me to,

That I was treating you
like a child.

I know what you're
doing, mom.

You may not know what
you're doing, but I know
what you're doing.

You let me sleep in
so you can rag on me
for showing up late.

You know, Jackie,
I don't think you need
a psychiatrist.

I think what you need
is a good alarm clock.

No, mom! What I need
is to get away from you.

I'm an adult. It's time
I had a place of my own.

Dan, i'm gonna buy
that old house.

Are you sure about this?

I've never been so sure
about anything in my life.

I'd like to move in
immediately.

Let me get
this straight.

This is a deal, right?

It's a deal.

Jackie, you have no idea
what those words mean to me.

So, Beverly...

Where in the hell
do you get off

Talking to me like
i'm some piece of dirt?

You forgot the last chapter
in your little story.

The grasshopper
comes back with his
old buddy the anteater.

And after he's finished
sucking the little ant
up his long snout,

He spits her out 'cause
she's so old and bitter!

I wish you hadn't
done that, Dan.

Who do you think i'm
gonna ask to borrow
the down payment from?

Listen, Bev?

Oh, man, we are screwed.

Oh...

We should have known
something like this
was gonna happen.

Yeah, after all,
we're involved.

You know where
we made our mistake?

We should never have
throwed out that chain letter.

[southern accent] if we'd
only sent a hundred dollars
to five total strangers,

We could have
made us a fortune.

[southern accent]
no, well, i'm thinki''
about that bridge

We could have bought
over there in
New York City.

Oh, she was a dandy
big bridge, all right.

You know, Dan, I think
if we move fast,

We can get right in
on that pyramid scheme
sweeping Lanford.

We could own our very
own damn pyramid.

You mean like the ones
up to Egypt, Africa?

Hot diggity dog!