05x13 - Crime and Punishment (1)

[bunniefuu]

Darn!

What's the matter, Deej?

This problem's impossible.

I'm supposed to multiply
/ times /

And give the answer
in base .

You know, Deej,
it's ironic.

You're a kid; you're not
supposed to have any problems.

You go to school
and they give 'em to you.

Either help me or be quiet
so I can work.

The answer is .

Trust me.

Okay, you little freak,
you're about to see your heart.

Rosie, Rosie,
a little help here.

Oh, back, back,
back, back.

You might think they're tame,
but you gotta remember

They're wild animals.

The evil pinhead
was in my room again.

I locked my door,
but he must have gotten in
through the bathroom.

I didn't do
anything.

Cool, it worked!

He put bath oil beads
in my pockets

So that when I sat down
they'd break.

I'm walking around school,

Everybody's pointing
at my butt and laughing.

For a moment I knew
the pain of being Becky.

I want him punished
severely for this.

Okay, bring me
the cheese grater.

I'm serious, mom.

All right, all right,
we'll ground him.

Grounding him
won't do no good.

Alls he does is hang
around the house anyway.

Hey, how 'bout a week
with no video games?

Honey, that would be perfect,
but i'm on level eight

Of super froggy quest
and he's gotta show me

Where the magic
jewels are.

These punishments bite.

You guys call
yourselves parents?

You're supposed to be
better at this.

So why don't you
punish him?

Really?

What do you think, Dan?

Where you could be
tried as an adult.

I got it.

You have to wear
a suit and tie
to school tomorrow.

In front of everyone?

Gee, Darlene, why don't you
just b*at him up yourself?

Don't like you,
don't like you,

Don't like you.

Suit and tie,
i'm impressed.

Yeah, i'm kinda
proud of it.

Of course, I woulda
made him wear a dress.

Too late.
You only get one wish.

[laughing]

Dan, can we close
the shades?

I feel real guilty
playing in the daytime.

Hey, this is the conner
unemployment invitational.

I figure as long
as we're all out of work,

We might as well use
our time productively.

Well, this is stupid.
Do I really have to do this?

It's indian poker.

Everybody can see
your fifth card but you.

How-- so how do I know
what to bet?

Well, that's the challenge.
It's not a game for the timid.

I'll bet...A penny.

Too rich for this guy.

Yeah, my wife
would k*ll me.

I'm rich! I'm rich!

I'm fabulously well off.
[laughing]

Wait a minute. Now, who's
been eating oreo cookies?

Oh yeah, I had some
of those yesterday.

[guys groan]

New game.

So, how's the job front
for you, Fisher man?

What, are you kidding?

This is a rotten time
to be a freelance artist.

I'm down to working
a couple days a week.

Yeah, that's a couple
more than me.

It's brutal out there.

You guys are smart.

Being self-employed
is the only way to go.

I'll bet...
An eighth of a cent.

Yeah? Being your own boss
isn't that great of a deal.

Last week I sexually
harassed myself.

Yeah? Well, I feel guilty.

I mean, you guys
are scraping by.

Here I got this great job.
I got benefits.

I'm even gettin' overtime.
[chuckling]

But of course, one false step
and I could be crushed to death

By heavy machinery.

Three jacks,
read 'em and weep.

Somebody get
the boy a hankie.

Full boat.
Whoo, ooh ooh!

Damn it! My luck
has totally turned to crap.

Hey, Fisher, chill.
We're just playing for fun.

No, no, no, I mean,
this is just one more thing.

I mean, no matter what I do,
I can't catch a break.

Here, now you're ahead
for the night.

Hey, go to hell!

Sorry.

I gotta take
a breather.

Well, he's wrapped
kinda tight, huh?

Poor guy.
[phone rings]

Remember when you were that age,
you still thought your life

Was gonna amount
to something?

Yeah, i'm glad
those days are over.

[guys laughing]

[high-pitched]
hello?

[regular]
well, this could be one
of d.J. Conner's parents.

It depends on how much
damage is involved.

He did?

Okay, yeah, I will.
Thank you.

What's up?

Oh, man, D.J. Got caught
with obscene reading material

At school today.

They want somebody
to come down.

I'll bet it was one
of my playboys.

Oh, man, I shoulda
hid 'em better.

So, where'd you
hide 'em?

I don't know.
I can't find 'em.

No, Dan, it's about time
you handle

Some of these
school problems.

Yes, Dan, I know
you're very involved

In your children's education.

James Madison
Elementary School.

It's on the corner
of Carpenter and Fifth.

And D.J. Is the short kid
with dark hair.

What kind of obscene reading
material could D.J. Have?

I don't know. Either
one of dan's playboys
or our credit report.

So, Charlotte, how are you
at talking to people?

Well...

Oh, good enough.
Go take their order.

Uh...I think that my
work-study program at school,

You know, doesn't allow me
to speak to people

From my own school.

You know, I think
it's kinda like a rule.

Which one of them
do you have the crush on?

They're both
kinda cute.

Well, you're in luck because
they're friends with Becky,

So I can
introduce you.

No, I don't want
to be introduced.

Oh, Charlotte, I know
how it is. I'm shy, too.

Oh, please, please
don't embarrass me.

I wouldn't do that.

So...How far do you go
on a first date?

Just kidding.

Hey, how you doin', guys?

Hey, Mrs. Conner.
Hey.

So, what's a couple
of good-lookin' studs

Like yourself doing out
on the town with no dates?

It's : .
We're on lunch period.

Oh.

Well, you know, guys like you
should just have no trouble

Finding women at all.

Instead of chasing after
all these cheerleader types,

You ought to think about dating
somebody that's...More mature.

Thanks for the advice,
Mrs. Conner.

Yeah, thanks.

Yeah, because sometimes
you don't really realize it,

But there are people
right under your nose

Who would love
to go out with you.

Oh, thanks, Roseanne.
I think I got it now.

Warmed 'em up for you.

Thanks for rescuing us.

Yeah, I mean,
I like Mrs. Conner,

But not in that way.

Well, Jackie,
i'm feeling kinda kooky.

What do you say me and you
go bowling tonight?

Hey, on Wednesday night
they'll let you eat

Right in
the bowling area.

Can't. Fisher and I
are doing something tonight.

Well, so are me
and Dan probably,

But that doesn't mean
we can't go bowling first.

You and I work
together, Roseanne.

Isn't that enough?

God, this really sucks.

Every time I ask you
to do anything

You're always busy
with Fisher.

Don't do this to me.

You know I have
a boyfriend now. It takes
up a lot of my time.

Yeah, well, when I
was first dating dan

And things were all
hot and heavy still,

I'd always make time
for you.

Yeah, when you wanted
a ride somewhere,

Wanted somebody to get
you pizza, wanted somebody
to do your homework.

Well, at least
I made time.
Well...

This takes a little
more effort than
a high school romance.

You know, I live
with Fisher, Roseanne.

Well, so maybe that's
your problem.

Maybe you and Fisher spend
too much time together.

I never would have moved in
with no guy so damn fast.

Maybe you wouldn't, but this
isn't you; it's me.

And there's a real easy way
to tell us apart.

You.

Me.

You.

Me.

Where the hell do you think
you're going?

We're in the middle
of a shift here.

I'm leavin'!

Till you respect
my relationships,

You're not gonna
see me again.

Oh, well, I didn't realize
it's such a drag

Spending any time
with me.

Sorry. I'm not gonna
ask you no more.

Oh, good.
Go for the guilt.

You better take a long, hard
look at yourself, Roseanne,

'cause if you are this
obsessed with my life,

There is obviously something
missing from yours.

Just figure that out?

Deja vu.

I am really angry
with you, d.J.

Those magazines are not
for you to read.

And you know it's wrong to go
through other people's things.

You are in big trouble
when I get you home, pal.

Can I help you?

Yeah, i'm here to see
Principal Alexander.

And you are?

Dan conner,
D.J.'s father.

No, he's not.
I don't know who he is.

Don't let me go home
with him!

He's kidding.

Tell the nice lady
you're kidding, Deej.

How do you know
my name?

D.J.!

He's my dad.

You know, in all the years
conner children

Have come to this school,
we've never seen you.

We all assumed
Mrs. Conner was widowed.

She is.
I'm her oldest boy.

Oh, our principal.

Cecil Alexander,
Dan conner, D.J.'s father.

We thought
you were dead.

Come in, Mr. Conner.
D.J.?

Listen, I want you to know
we're usually very happy
with D.J.

He's a hard worker,
he listens well in class.

Although this new
dressing up phase

Does concern us
a little.

Kids.

But we don't discourage
unorthodox dress here.

We do discourage, however,
our students from bringing

Certain types of reading
material to school.

Well, I understand, Cecil.

Something that might be
perfectly normal

And acceptable for adults
wouldn't be okay for kids

To bring to school.

I'm sorry, but the filth
that D.J. Was reading

Couldn't possibly
be considered okay anywhere.

It's the most offensively
sick piece of garbage

I've ever seen.

Didn't you read
the articles?

I didn't see
any articles in this.

Well, it's a comic book.

D.J., you brought
a comic book to school.

Good boy!

I can see I should have
spoken to his mother.

Well, look, I know
it's wrong for kids

To bring comics to school
and read 'em in class,

But hey, they're kids.

I know it's not
great literature-- my god.

What kind of diseased
mind could create
something like this?

It's obviously some sort
of cheap underground thing.

Oh, man.

Hey, I don't know where d.J.
Got this, but you can be sure

We don't allow things
like this in our house.

This is not the way
we raise our children.

Where did you get this?

Darlene made it.

Well, Dan, my day
dealing with the family

Was an ice cream cone
in the dirt.

How was yours?

Well, honey, I hate to top you,
but I got a two-for-one.

That obscene reading material
D.J. Brought to school?

Darlene's the editor-
in-chief.

Take a look at this.
It's really sick.

[laughing]

It was a funny part.

I'm serious, Rosie.

What if darlene's
disturbed?

More than we thought.

Oh, Dan, have you seen
some of the comic books

That she buys lately?

They're way more
screwed up than that.

Warped and depressing
is what's cool now.

Really?

Yeah. Finally Darlene's
personality pays off.

Hey, we had underground comics,
but it wasn't like

This crap darlene's doing.

Ours were about depraved sex
and massive drug abuse.

This is a cry for help.

Well, who knows what
they're about, you know?

Who even wants to?

The longer we don't know
what's in Darlene's head,

The longer we don't
sleep in shifts.

Hi.
Oh, hold it
right there.

You were very, very mean to me
and hurt my feelings today

And i'm not sure that I even
want to talk to you yet.

I came here to apologize.

I have been blowing you off
a lot lately

And there's
no excuse for it.

I'm a selfish, rotten person
and i'm sorry.

Is that it?

Roseanne.

Oh, all right,
i'm such a softy.

And to make up
for being such a jerk,

I wanna take you
to a movie.

Just you and me.
My treat.

Okay, well, you'll have to go
put on a better shirt.

Why? We're going
to a movie.

No, you feel way worse
than that.

You're taking me
out to dinner, too.

Fine. You think
Darlene would mind

If I went upstairs
and borrowed something?

No, as long as you put
everything back on the floor
where you find it.

Hey.

What's my comic book
doing down here?

D.J. Got caught with it
at school today.

We have to talk.

That's it.

Hire a hearse,
pick out a plot.

[Darlene]
d.J.!

It's over, rat boy.

[Jackie]
close the door.
Close the door!

What happened
to aunt Jackie?

Well, some say environment,
but I think she's
born that way.

No, I mean was she, like,
in an accident or something?

No. Why?

Well, I saw her upstairs
and her back's all bruised up.

She didn't tell me
nothing about it.

Sorry for yelling at you
like that, Darlene.

You scared the heck
outta me.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

You ready to go?

Come here.
What?

Darlene says your back's
all bruised up.

No. It's nothin'.

Well then,
let me see.

No, don't.

Ow!
Come on,
stand still.

Darlene, you get
out of here.

What's going on?

Now, Darlene.

Look, i'm all right,
so don't go blowing this up

Into something
it's not, okay?

What happened?
Nothing.
Let's go eat.

No. We're not gonna go
anywhere till you tell me how
your back got all bruised.

I told you i'm okay.

You come over here,
your back is all bruised up,

You won't tell me
nothin' about it,

How do I know you didn't get
r*ped or mugged or something?

Does Fisher know
about this?

Why--why can't you
just drop it?

That son of a bitch.

You don't understand.

He b*at the crap--
no, he didn't.

It's no big deal.

It's no big deal?
What are you saying?

He hit you; it's not like
he forgot your birthday.

We had an argument
this afternoon

And he pushed me
a couple times.

It's not fisher's fault.

Then whose fault is it?

I--I can't believe
that you're saying this.

You don't even
listen to me.

He said he was sorry
and it would never
happen again.

Damn, Jackie,
you were a cop.

You heard this same crap
a million times.

Now you're throwin' it out
on me? How could you let this
happen to you?

Shut up!

You don't know
the whole story.

He's been under a lot
of pressure lately.

There's no work.

And I told him that
he should look for a job
at a bigger company,

And he told me that
I didn't believe in him,

And he told me a million
times when he gets
in a mood like that

That I should just
walk away and I didn't.

I just kept pushing him
and pushing him.

Don't say any more.

What happened?

Fisher b*at the crap
out of her.

What?

I'm all right.
I just-- I--

I don't want anybody
to know about it.

Is she really okay?

Yeah.
Yeah, come on.

We're gonna go
wash your face.

How you doin'?

Pretty good.

Well, I think we...

Just should go to the hospital
and get you checked out.

It's too humiliating,
Roseanne.

They'll ask all kinds
of questions.

I don't want everybody
talking about it.

Okay, well, we'll go
to the hospital in Elgin.

Nobody knows us there.

We could make up
names and stuff.

I'll be wilma
and you can be betty.

[Dan]
hey.

Hey.

Where'd you go?

I thought i'd go
get some dinner.

I got your favorite.

I told 'em to just
fry up the skin,

None of that pesky chicken
to get in the way.

So we'll eat some of it
in the car on the way
to the hospital.

Roseanne.
Come on, let's go
get ready.

So did you
see Fisher?

[gasps]

Oh, my god.

You didn't k*ll him and then
go buy chicken, did ya?

No, I bought
the chicken first.

I thought you were just gonna
go over there and scare him.

Well, it started out
that way.

What did he say?

Well, if I remember correctly,
"ouch, ouch, my head."

Something along those lines.

[doorbell rings]

Dan, you gotta put
some alcohol on that.

Good idea.

Hi, Rosie,
Dan.

[cop]
can we come in?

Well, that depends
on what you're here for.

Let 'em in, honey.

Mr. Conner, we have
a warrant for your arrest.

There's been an as*ault and
battery complaint filed on you.

Yeah, I heard the call
come in on the radio,

So I just told dispatch
that we'd take it.

Sorry, Rosie.

You can't arrest Dan.
He didn't do anything wrong.

Jackie came over here--

Roseanne, this is about me.
It's not about anybody else.

[Dan]
let's leave it at that.

Rosie, what you need to do
is get to the station

As quick as you can
with the bail.

It's gonna be about
a hundred bucks.

We'll stall processing Dan
as long as we can.

Sorry, Mr. Conner,
but we gotta cuff you.
No cuffs.

Hey, cuff me.

You get fired, who's gonna
fix my parking tickets?

Well, can he at least
have some chicken?

He hasn't had
dinner yet.

All right, i'll drive.

Hey, can you get one of these
for a regular car?

It would make trips
with the kids a lot more fun.

It's funny.

Joanie and I were just today
talking about getting together

With you and Rosie.

When's good for you?

I'm busy tonight,
but other than that, i'm cool.

Great.

Pretty weird, huh?

Mind-blowing.

Mr. Conner, if you don't
mind my asking,

How come you popped
that guy?

You messed him up
pretty good, you know.

A long story.

[cop]
understood.

Look, it's not
gonna be so bad.

By the time we finish
processing you,

Rosie will be there
with the bail.

Nobody's gotta know
about this.

Appreciate it.