02x24 - Happy Birthday

[bunniefuu]

Someone's got a special
day coming up.

Oh?

Mm-hmm, and I know who.

Give me a break, Crystal.

Roseanne, is it your birthday?

Saturday.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Happy birthday, Roseanne.

How old are you gonna be?

Well, uh…

37.

Do you have anything
special planned?

I don't know. Crystal?

Listen…

As my present,

I'm going to give
you Saturday off.

No.

I insist.

Here you go!

Oh!

Woo!

Make a wish.

Happy birthday, Roseanne.

Happy birthday.

Ok. I wish that, uh,

even though you're
giving me Saturday off,

that I would still
get paid for it.

Of course you will.

Aah! Whoo-hoo!

What did you wish, Roseanne?

Don't tell, Roseanne.
It's bad luck.

It's bad luck not to tell.

Maybe you won't get
paid for that day off.

Well, I wished for time.

Time… for what?

I used to do all this writing,

you know, when I was younger.

Roseanne's a terrific writer.

Oh! What do you write, Roxanne?

Nothing now,

yeah? Like what?

Like these poems and stories
and junk like that.

Whatever my brain
would churn out.

You know,

my nephew roger
does calligraphy.

Does that have anything

to do with this conversation?

Well, he does
wedding invitations

and makes a fortune!

The answer is no.

So how come you stopped writing?

Well, I don't know. I was…

I was writing this
one day, you know,

and a grenade went
off in my hand.

Ohh. I hate when that happens.

How come you did stop?

Well, 'cause, you know,

with work and Dan and the kids…

I don't have any time.

Can't you do a little writing

before you come to
work in the morning?

No. 'Cause me and Dan
have to go walking,

and then I come home
and I got breakfast,

and I got the kids' lunches…

Best time to be creative

is right after you get
off work, you know.

While you're still full of rage.

Can't you do a little writing

before you go to sleep?

No. I like to do something else

before I go to sleep.

Hoo hoo hoo.

Surely not every night, Roxanne.

Oh, yeah.

That's what us poor people do.

We don't have VCRs.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

Ok. Who are these guys?

The splitting headaches.

What's the name of this song?

Pounding.

So basically, we're
listening to pounding

by the splitting headaches?

Ohh! Oh, my god. Here it is.

Dan!

Dan!

Dan!

Hey, Dan! Come here.
Look what I found.

Coming, mother.

Oh, my god.

You found a dusty
book in the basement.

No, it's not just a dusty book.

It's my old journal.

I started writing in it in '65.

Oh, wow. Time warp.

Lookit. Lookit here…

I got a whole page
about Gary Puckett

and the union gap.

Hey, you can't see it.
It's private.

Listen to this… ohh,
hey, turn that down.

Hey, hey. Air raid. End of w*r.

That's what you think.

I've got troops coming
in from the north.

That may be, but…

"By the year 1983,
when I turn 30,

"I vow to accomplish
the following…"

"fall in love with a
warm, sexy, loving man"

"who doesn't care about money…"

"But has a ton of it."

Well, I was only 17.

Well, so continue.

Ok, and 2…

"I will live on a
100-year-old farm

"with a private secretary, cook,

and also maybe a farmer."

You wanted to be a farmer?

Well, I wanted to live on a farm

and own a farm, and
look at a farm,

but not do any of
the actual touching

of animals or any of that stuff.

And 3… "I will be
a famous writer."

You wanted to be a writer?

Yeah.

Yeah, I did.

Hey. Hey. What's the matter?

Nothing.

Come on, Roseanne.

2 minutes ago,

you were cleaning
out the basement,

having the time of your life.

Now you're all bummed out.

I used to write, Dan.

I used to write every day.

Yeah. I remember.

I mean, this book is me.

My soul's in there.

I used to write down

everything I was
ever thinking about.

So now you found it, you
can write in it some more.

When? I mean,

I got a job, 3 kids, and you.

We're not going to live forever.

I don't know. Writing
was just something

that really gave me
a lot of pleasure,

then I just gave it up.

Well, you give all your time
to your family and your job.

You got a life.

I got lazy. You got lazy.

No, I didn't get lazy.

Did not get lazy.

Ok. I did get lazy.

Ok, but don't patronise me.

I am patronising you,

'cause every time you
clean out a closet,

I pay the price.

What are you talking about?

This cleaning jag you're on.

I got an even number of
socks in my sock drawer,

all folded the same
way in little stacks

arranged by hue.

So sue me for trying to put
order into your drawers.

This is a birthday
thing, isn't it?

No, this isn't a birthday thing.

Roseanne. Dan.

So how old are you gonna
be this year, mom?

40.

Heh. What are you talking about?

You're not turning 40.

Maybe not this year,
but in a few years.

40 years old?

Wow!

So, like, you were
alive in the fifties?

That's 5 times older than D.J.

I could've lived my life 3 times

and not be as old as you.

Would you like to get started

on your second life right now?

Hey, if you're making
out a shopping list,

I need some razors…

The kind with the comfort strip.

It's not a grocery list,
Dan, I'm trying to write.

Oh, yeah? Yeah?

That's great.

What time did you get
up this morning?

"It's 5:30 A.M.

"The house is still and quiet

"except for an
intermittent rumble

"from the bedroom,

the snore of my life-mate."

I don't snore.

No, Dan. This is fiction.

Well, I'm really
proud of you, babe.

You're really doing it.

Mute, mute, mute.

Sorry.

That's ok. I'll just
go in the living room.

No, D.J., go eat breakfast

before you start watching TV.

I want to eat in here.

Hey, Deej, your mom's
trying to write.

Go get your cereal and
we'll eat it in here.

Honey, you can have
the kitchen back.

Oh, great.

Morning, dad.

Hey, beck, be real quiet
going in the kitchen.

Your mom's trying to write.

Ok.

Good morning, everyone!

Shh!

Mom's trying to write.

Write what?

Darlene. Darlene…

Have you seen my history book?

Did you check on the washer?

Of course I checked
on the washer.

How about under the sofa?

Yes, I checked under the sofa.

Did you look upstairs?

Yes!

How come you're always
losing your stuff?

Well, answer her.

Well, this better be good.

I'm sure excited.

I have here one silk scarf

made of genuine Dacron.

You guys know how
I hate surprises,

especially when I don't
know what they are.

You're going to like this one.

1, 2, 3, 4…

♪ da da da da da ♪

♪ You say it's your birthday ♪

♪ Da da da da da ♪

♪ It's my birthday, too, yeah ♪

Oh! You got the
Beatles to come over!

♪ Da da da da da da ♪

Step.

♪ Da da da da da da ♪

Step right there. Step.

Aah!

Step. Step. Ok. No step.

♪ Da da da da da da ♪

All right.

Aah.

ALL: Happy birthday, mom!

Ah. My own door!

Open it.

Ok.

Oh. My own dungeon.

It's an office.

So you can write.

Oh. My own office!

You like it?

It's my own office!

This is so you don't
bother us when you write.

Oh, it's just great.

It's fantastic!

Yeah, I put all these
shelves in here for,

uh, your, uh, you know,
the stuff you write.

Manuscripts. Manuscripts.

How did you do this
without me knowing?

Hee hee hee hic!

Well, thank you!

Happy birthday, mom.

Here. Pencils.

Ohh.

Yeah, and I got you
some notepads.

I got a dictionary
and a thesaurus.

Ah, gee, this is like
the partridge family

or something.

And for the grand finale,

I'm taking the kids to the mall

for lunch and a movie,

and you got the afternoon
to yourself to write.

What, you're all leaving?

Gone. We'll miss you.

I'll miss you, too. Now scram.

You know, Stephen king
started this way.

Ohh.

♪ I'm 37 ♪

♪ I'm not really 40 ♪

♪ Nah nah nah nah nah ♪

♪ Nah nah nah nah ♪

♪ And I'm spending the
afternoon all alone ♪

♪ In my basement ♪

JACKIE: Roseanne, you out here?

Hey, come to the window!
I'm in the basement.

Hi. What are you
doing down there?

Hey, you know, today's
your birthday.

You're 37.

I know.

Happy birthday.

Hey, lookit. Dan
made me an office

so's I can write.

Yeah, looks great.

Maybe I should bring you a cake

with a file in it.

No, it's great.
Look, I got a desk

and shelves and everything.

And on top of that,

he ups and takes the
kids to the mall

so's, you know, I
can concentrate.

How's it going?

You getting anything done?

No. I'm going nuts.

Well, I don't want to
break your concentration.

I just came by to wish
you happy birthday.

So I'll stop by later,

and I can give you my present.

Well, why can't I open it now?

I haven't bought it yet.

Oh, well.

I'm coming up.

Are you in need
of some stroking?

No. I'm just in need of,

you know,

something to write about.

I mean, I got a dozen sharpened

Dixon-Ticonderoga number 2s,

and no ideas.

Well, what did you
used to write about?

My life and stuff,

but I think it was just
more interesting then.

No. Cut it out.

I don't know.

I… I think I shouldn't
start big, maybe.

Shouldn't start so
big, like, by writing.

I should start maybe
smaller by plagiarising.

You know, Roseanne,

I've learned a lot
about writing…

From the police reports.

They've got to be convincing.

They've got to be accurate.

They've got to be at
least 2 pages long

or else judge Samuels

isn't going to take
them seriously.

So, what I found is,

the best way to start
out is by the facts.

What facts?

Facts… ev…

W-w-what are the facts
in gone with the wind?

Well, heh, I think we're talking

about literature here
and not the movies.

It was a book.

Gone with the wind was a book?

Yeah.

So you look at the facts.
What are the facts?

You got the north, the south,

the troops, the
horses, a staircase,

birthin' babies, and a big fire.

You're kidding me,
it was a book?

See, everything's got facts
and events and people…

In the events.

So you take the
people in the events

and then you put
them in the order

that the… Facts happen,

and then you're done.

Well, I'll be damned

if gone with the
wind wasn't a book.

So how'd you like
your dinner, mom?

Oh, it was really great.

And I'll like it even more

when it's all cleaned up.

Come on, Darlene,
you got to help.

Why do I have to help?

Darlene, get to work.

So when do we get to see
what you wrote today?

Uh, soon as the movie comes out.

No, we want to read it.

Well, you can't read
it a piece at a time.

You got to wait till the
whole book is finished.

DAN: You writing the
great American novel?

Well, you know, that's
always been my dream…

And with that new office…

You like that office?

That is a perfect office.

So everything's
working out ok, huh?

You got the time,
you got the place…

Not a bad birthday present, huh?

Good hubby. Good hubby!

Arf!

I'll tell you, that is
such a great office,

sometimes I can't tell you

how many times I'm
sitting down there

and just looking at those walls

in wonderment.

As long as you're
getting to write.

You should have seen
her down there today.

The pages were just pouring out.

So what are you gonna
title your book?

101 things to do
with kids' heads.

You know, writing isn't easy.

That's the truth.
Especially them hs.

Maybe you should stop using
your head as an eraser.

Maybe start using Darlene's
head as an eraser.

So weak.

Very weak.

Yeah.

David, you got to help.

Make me.

Help!

So…

When do I get to read
this masterpiece?

Soon as I write something.

I thought so.

Yeah, but you should see

what I done to them
shelves down there.

What's the matter, babe?

You didn't write anything?

It's not the office, is it?

Oh, no, honey, no,

it isn't the office, it's me.

I get some good idea,

but as soon as I write it down,

it turns out stupid.

Roseanne, don't start
getting down on yourself.

Yeah, you know,
pitchers don't go down

to Florida in February
and start throwing heat.

[KIDS FIGHTING] Hey, can it!

DARLENE: Sorry.

Well, I just don't think
I have it anymore.

You know, I'm sitting there,

I'm trying to think
of something,

I'm trying to get an idea,

the only thing that
comes into my head is

that I got to take either D.J.
Or Darlene

to the dentist or something.

DARLENE: Get off of me
before I kick your head in!

I just don't think I have
any room for creating.

All my compartments
are too full up.

I'm 37 years old and I'm a mom.

That's what I am.

Hey, Darlene, get
off your brother.

Come on, D.J., we're
going up to bed.

Ok. Read to me.

Yeah, just don't ask
me to write to you.

All right, buddy,
what will it be?

The adventures of P.J.
Pammewack.

Oh. Ok.

Well, move your butt over.
You're hogging the bed.

Ok.

Ohh, well…

Once there was a little kid named P.J.
Pammewack.

And his initials were close
to this one kid I know.

Me. Right.

And he was also in
the third grade,

like this other kid I know.

Me.

Yeah.

And one day, it seems P.J.
Was in his fort

which was in whatever was left

of the Amazon rain forest.

And it was 8:00 in the morning,

so he'd already fired
the morning cannon,

you know, to scare
off any intruders

that might be coming in there

trying to steal his
collection of w*r toys.

Intruders?

Yeah, you know, the bad guys

like… like bek dar,

the 2-headed evil
sister monster.

Oh, no!

Oh, yes!

And the cannon was fired.

Boom!

And from out of the jungle
came a terrible noise.

First there was a…

Rumble.

And a…

Grumble.

And a…

Hmm. I don't know.

A high-pitched scream.

Scree-ree-ree!

The scream of a huge,
great big bird.

Mom, how come P.J. Pammewack

isn't in the library?

Because it's not a book.

It's just some
stories I make up.

Well, it should be a book.

You think so?

Yeah.

Did I ever tell you

that you are my favourite son?

Story!

Right.

So this huge bird swoops
out of the jungle…

DAN: Roseanne?

Rosie?

Roseanne?

Roseanne?

What are you doing up here?

It's after midnight.

Wh-what's the matter
with the office?