02x18 - The Family Bed

[bunniefuu]

- Oooggh!

- What?
What's wrong?

What happened?

- You kicked me.

- I did?
- Ohh...

Right in the garden
of good and evil.

- Honey, I'm sorry.

Oh.

I think we found
the kicker.

- What's she doing
in our bed again?

It's every night.
Good god, y'all.

Ohh! Ohh...

- Honey, is there
anything I can do?

- You can learn to love
half a man.

- Ally, what are you
doing up, sweetie?

- Can I sleep
in your bedroom?

- No, no,
not this time, honey, okay?

Look, you have
a beautiful swedish bed

That took daddy three days
to put together, and...

- But there's monsters
in my room.

- Oh, come on.

- All right,
that's okay, honey.

You go ahead
and sleep in our bed.

- Okay.

- What'd you do that for?

- She's having trouble
sleeping alone.

She needs her rest.

- Well, her rest?
What about my rest?

- Ray, she's afraid
of monsters. Come on.

- Well, I'm afraid of her.

- What do you want
to do about it?

- Well, what does
the book say?

- I don't know--
how to grow a kid.

- They all say different things.
They're very confusing.

So why don't you just
read the damn books?

- Well, if they're
confusing for you...

- You might like them, ray.

Some of them have pictures
of breasts.

- Yeah,
they're just drawings.

You know,
the twins can sleep.

How come they're not
afraid of monsters?

One of 'em sleeps while
the other one's on guard duty.

- I can't--I can't
do this tonight.

I can't keep going
to work like this.

- Yeah, well,
what about me?

- What? You don't
have to w--uhhh...

- What's that, ray?

I don't have to
wuh-uhhh?

- You see?

I--I can't think clearly
with the no sleep.

I'm talking
nonsense here.

Of course you wuhhh.

- Frank, get in here.

Your eggs
are getting cold.

If he thinks I'm gonna
warm them up for him,

He's got another think
coming.

- You tell him, ma.

You're not
his sl*ve girl.

- You're damn right.

- I'm here for you, ma.
- Good.

- Hey.

- Good morning, dear.

You hungry?

- No, no, no.

- What's the matter?
What did you do to yourself?

- My back is a little stiff,
that's all.

I--I slept half off the bed
last night

'cause I didn't want
to get kicked again.

- Raymond...

A married couple should
never go to bed angry.

- Not a hard-and-fast rule
in this house.

- It's not about debra and me.
It's about ally.

She keeps sleeping
in our bed at night.

- Monsters?

- How'd you know?

- Oh...I know.

- Oh, now you come down, huh?

Are you happy?

Those eggs have been sitting
there for half an hour,

And I am not
warming them up.

How can you eat them?
They're stone cold.

- They're fine.

- Give me them!
I'm warming them up!

- Ma, listen,

You still got
that heating pad?

- Sure we do.

Robbie, get raymond
the heating pad, huh?

- What?
I got a better idea.

I'll crack your back.

- What? No.
- Calm down.

- No, get outta here.

- I know what I'm doing.

Take a deep breath.

- Will ya let go
of me?

- You're too tense.
Relax!

- Aaagghh!

You'll sever his spine.
Frank, help me.

- Better?

- No.

- Hmm.

I'll get
the heating pad.

- Ray, you look awful.

Toast, marie.

- Well, I see you're still
clipping your toenails

At the table, huh, dad?

- You know something,
raymond,

Maybe it's debra's cooking.

That's why ally gets up
in the middle of the night,

Because of the terrible
indigestion.

- Ma, ally eats fine, okay?

It's just we have to get her
back in her own bed, that's all.

We got all the books.

- Books! Ha!

- I needed no books
when I was raising you kids, no.

And my parents
didn't use them either.

- Oh, good, I come
from a long line of illiterates.

- Raymond dear,

To raise children,

All you need is love
and common sense.

- You know, when I had
trouble sleeping,

Mom used to do
something for me.

Remember that, ma?
Huh?

One of my best memories
growing up.

She'd give me a warm cup
of that colored sugar water.

Put me right out.

- That was booze.

- Booze?

- Frank!

- A stiff shot of sambuca
in there,

And it was
lights out, bobby!

- You gave me liquor?

- Not liquor, dear.
Liqueur.

- I don't believe it.

All those special times,
they were just...

- Happy hours.

- Ohh, you are sick.

- Oh, we were good parents!

We didn't give you
cashews

'cause you could choke
on them.

- What's the big deal?

It's not like
we let him drive that way.

- All right.
I'm going to bed.

I want to tell you
something about bed.

- Oh, please don't.

- Hey, I know
what's going on.

You gotta do something.

It affects the marriage.

Am I wrong?

- Well, uh...Whatever.

- Look, I remember
what we used to do

When you were a kid.

- Maybe I shouldn't
hear about this.

- Tough love.

Every time you crawled
into our bed, I'd say,

"marie, take him back!"

Oh, you bawled
your little eyes out,

But after a while,

You got
with the program.

- All right, well,
I don't think

I could put ally
through that, okay?

- Well, what are you gonna do?

You gonna turn your girl
into a sissy?

You can't coddle
your children,

'cause when you
send 'em out there,

They're gonna move
right back in with you.

- I don't wanna hear it, ma.

- It was for
your own good.

- For my own good, huh?

Just like the ice cream truck?
Remember that?

You told me every time
the music played

That meant they were
out of ice cream!

- Sugar's not good for you.

- It is the worst thing
for a hangover.

- Daddy...

Daddy!

- [sighs] ray...

- Daddy?

- Ray, come on.

- What?

What are you
waking me up for?

- Daddy!

- She's calling you.
This is your plan.

You have this big
"tough love" idea.

You deal with her.

- You're not supposed
to deal with her, okay?

That's the "tough" part.

Go to bed, ally!

- Read me another story!

- Ray.

Come on!
Ray, th--

How can you
do this?

- Believe me, there are
worse things we could do.

- [whining]
I'm hungry!

- Ray, come on.
Go to her.

We're never gonna get sleep
this way either.

- Come on,
she's just playing us.

Believe me,
this is for her own good, okay?

If you coddle her now,
she'll never move out.

- Helloooo!

- You know,
there's a striking similarity

Between
the tough-love plan

And the dad-does-nothing plan.

- I know; that's what
attracted me to it at first.

But now I think
it all makes sense.

- Mommy!

- Well, not to me.

Okay, honey,
I'm coming.

- No, no, no, no,
you can't go, no.

Look, you're gonna turn her
into a sissy, okay?

You have to have
self-discipline like me.

Just lay down.

No. No.

- Let go!

- Don't bring her in here.

You're gonna undo
all my work.

- Okay, fine, ray.
I won't bring her in here.

Mm-hmm. God forbid
we should disturb you.

I'm gonna go sleep
in her room.

- Oh, come on, deb.

What are you--
deb!

[door closes]

I can't sleep by myself.

[whining]
I'm hungry!

- [giggling]

Daddy! Daddy!
Catch me!

- Ahh!

You have a good
night's sleep, ally?

- Yes.

- Good for you.

- Oh, don't even
act tired.

- What?
I am tired.

- [sarcastically]
ohh, poor ray,

Got a queen-size bed
all to yourself.

I spend the night
on the swedish rack.

- Well, I couldn't sleep
without you.

I've grown accustomed
to your nose whistle.

- Yeah, ray, it's all about you
and how you couldn't sleep.

- Hey, did you drink
from this already?

- No.

- Well, the top
didn't pop.

- What?

- Did you check it
at the supermarket?

'cause the top
was popped up already.

- It's fine, ray.

- You gotta check 'em
when you buy 'em.

- Why don't you buy them?
Then you can check 'em!

- Yeah,
yeah, if I bought 'em,

I wouldn't buy one
that had been tampered with.

- Nobody tampered with it.
I just had some.

- You just said
you didn't.

- Well, when you opened it,
did it pop up?

- I don't know!
I am tired!

- I'm not drinking this.

I'll wait and see
what happens to you.

All right. I'm sorry.

Look, don't you see
what's happening?

We're hostages.

She's using sleep deprivation
to break us.

What are we gonna do?

- "we"?

There's been no we
here, ray.

I've been we.
How about you be we?

You sleep in ally's room
tonight.

- No, I can't.

- Look, she needs to sleep
with at least one of us.

And tonight that's you.

- I'm we and us
now, right?

That's like
four people.

- Okay, then,
why don't the four of you

Help me get the kids
ready for school?

- Look,

About tonight...

I have a big day
tomorrow.

- You know what, ray?

Tough...

Love.

- All right, honey,

Now mommy went to bed
early tonight, but...

We don't need mommy
to fall asleep, right?

- Right.
- Okay.

Good night.

Good night, ma.

- Good night, sweetie.

We'll be okay.
We'll be fine.

- Yeah, just,
you know,

Keep it down, okay?

- Are you sure this is gonna be
all right with debra?

- Listen, she's gonna thank me
for a good night's sleep,

And it'll prove to her

That it doesn't have to be
one of us in here,

And we have
other options, and...

You gotta be out of here
by 5:00 a.M.

- I-I-I'm happy to help.

- Yeah, okay.

What are you doing?
Where are you going?

- I have to use
the bathroom.

- Now? I told you to go
before you came over.

- I didn't have
to go then.

- Oh, great, so now
the whole plan just blows up

Because you couldn't go
when you were supposed to?

- I'm sorry.

Can I go now,
raymond?

- Oh, all right.

- Thanks, raymond.

- And no humming.

- What are you doing?

I thought you were gonna spend
the night in ally's room.

- No.
No, no, it's okay.

I-I-I told ally

If she needs to come in
that I'm here for her,

But, uh, you know, I think
my little talk did the trick,

And we're gonna have

A good night's sleep,
you and I.

- Well, I know I am.

- Okay. Good night.
- Good night.

- Ohh...

Ooh...

Ohh...

- Ray...

- Huh?

- Do you hear humming?

- That's the pipes.

It's, uh...

No, that--that's outside.
That's not...

You know what?
I don't hear anything.

- I think it stopped.

- Yeah, yeah, it stopped

Because it was nothing
to begin with.

- You sure that wasn't ally?

- No, no, no.
She's asleep.

She's asleep.
I read to her.

And I--I tucked her in,

You know, with the blanket
with the ruffly ruffles,

And...And then
I sang to her.

You know,
I sang really soft...

♪ frere jacques ♪

And it was, you know,

As I'm singing to her,

You could see her little eyes
were just...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then she said,
"daddy, I love you."

And then just...Psssshh,
off to sleepyland.

- Ohh...
- Yeah.

- That's so cute.

- What--where are you going?

- I've been so wiped out,

I forgot to kiss her
good night.

I'm just gonna give her
a little--

- No, no, no.
Let her sleep.

Look, she kissed me
good night, so here--

From her to me to you.

Okay, come on, you don't
want to wake her.

You don't want to
take that chance

'cause that will spoil
everything...

For you.

- That's true.

- Yes, yes,
that's true.

I'm very true.

- Okay.

- Good night.
- Good night.

I love you.

- I love you too.

Thanks for helping, ray.

- Uhh. Mm-hmm-hmm-hmm.

[knock on door]

- Ray, I think
that's for you.

- Huh?

[knocking]

- Ray, ally's
at the door.

- Well, of course
it's ally.

Go to sleep, ally.

Huh? Remember what
we talked about?

I'll see you
in the morning!

- Where's marie?

- Frank!

- I just got back
from the lodge.

I can't find marie
anywhere.

- Well, she's not here.

- That's right, debra.
You're right.

- Mommy!

- Ally?
Are you okay?

- Mommy, grandma
turned into a monster!

- Grandma?

- Oh, no, ally, honey,
sweetie.

It's just me
with some cold cream.

- Marie, what are
you doing here?

- Yeah, I looked
all over for you.

- I left a note on my pillow

Saying I was sleeping
over here tonight.

- Why are you sleeping
over here tonight?

- We're waiting, ma.

- You snuck your mother in
to sleep with ally?

- No, no, no.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Just for tonight,
that's all.

All I wanted was one night's
sleep for us, that's all.

- Well, this is restful.

- Nobody checked this
with me.

- Why should anyone check it
with you?

It's none
of your business.

- Where you sleep
is my business!

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah, that's right.

You're my wife.
You sleep with me.

- You care where I sleep
all of a sudden?

- I don't care! I just
can't sleep without you!

- Oh, frank,

That's the sweetest thing
you've ever said to me.

- Don't kiss me
with that stuff!

- Ray, can we
go home now?

- Yes.

Once again,
thanks for everything.

That was kind of sweet,
wasn't it?

- Ally, can you go to
your room, please?

I need to speak
to daddy.

- Well, no, she doesn't
have to go. She--

I mean, she's scared.

Ally, you can stay here
as long as you want.

Ah, the twins!

They can't sleep!
Yeah, come on, guys.

The bed's--
the bed's open!

Yeah! Plenty of good seats
still available.

Hey, hey! Ha-ha.