06x12 - No Place Like Home

[bunniefuu]

Welcome back to a very special
Tool Time live from my house.

lt's Christmas, time to think
about cleaning out that chimney.

Cheerio, Timothy.

Frosted Flakes to you, Al.

Well, Tim is right. A dirty chimney can
cause smoke to back up into your house.

Or worse yet,
creosote can build up and cause a fire.

lf you don't use your fireplace,

there might be animals making nests.
Check that out.

Right. You don't wanna
light up your Yule log

and end up barbecuing a possum.

Not unless you're Jed Clampett.

He's a millionaire, you know.

Well, [sighs]
l shall just head up to the roof.

l'll just be down here
collecting the soot, Al.

There's two things to tell
about cleaning a chimney.

[phone rings]

Whose job was it to unplug the phone?

- Would somebody answer that?
- l'll get it.

Thank you.

OK, there's two things l'm gonna
tell you about cleaning out a chimney.

lt's Grandma. She wants to know whether
we're coming up Saturday or Sunday.

Tell her Saturday.

There's two things
about cleaning out your chimney.

What time on Saturday?

Eight o'clock.

Don't you hate when your mom calls you
and you're working on a live TV show?

- There's two things...
- Should she make breakfast for us?

[sighs] Mom, do you know
l'm working on a live TV show here?

- Yeah, and she says your fly's undone.
- What?

Grandma says, ''Got ya.''

So, Wilson, what are you doing?

[Wilson] Well, Tim, l'm carving
a nativity scene out of giant radishes.

What do you think
of my Three Wise Men?

l think they
should come bearing onion dip.

[Wilson chuckles]

See, this is part of the Mexican custom
of Noche de Rabanos.

Um... Night of the Bathroom?

No, no, no, no, no, Tim.
Night of the Radishes.

You see, every Christmas,
farming families would head into town

and display their tuberous creations.

Which reminds me, l guess you're
going to be heading out of town

to help your mother move.

Yep. Tomorrow morning, am.
Jill and the boys and Marty's coming,

and my brother Jes
going to meet us.

Jeff. He's the one who's parsimonious?

No, he's Presbyterian.

No, l mean parsimonious as in frugal.

[scoffs] Frugal's not the word for Jeff.
This guy recycles his dental floss.

Closing up the old childhood home
can be a traumatic thing.

- l know it was for me.
- A lot of memories?

Yeah, they're still vivid.

Waking up to the sound
of a hyena laughing.

The sweet smell of hay
as the zebra grazed.

The sight of a mother rhinoceros
feeding her calf.

Uh, you... you were raised in Africa?

Chicago.

ln an apartment overlooking the zoo.

Well, it's gonna be weird
moving her out of that house.

Moving her here
is gonna allow me to do something

- l've always wanted to do.
- Spend more time with her?

No, drive a really big truck. [grunts]

[passing car horn blaring]

Boy, l love this truck!

[horn blares]

Stop that!

This is just great. Five-speed tr*nny,
five-ton big Detroit diesel.

This is gonna be
the greatest day of my life. [grunts]

Tim, you are driving too fast.

lf l were alone, this could
be the greatest day of my life.

[sighs] God, l hate moving.

Do you know how many times
l moved when l was a kid?

- Eight.
- Eight moves.

Every time l had to leave my friends,
my heart would just break.

Here we go.

l'd cry for days and days.

Go on an uncontrollable downward spiral.

Jill, how would you like to sit
in the back with the packing crates

and the Styrofoam packing material?

Excuse me,
l'm just expressing my feelings.

l know how sick you are of hearing them.

Oh, no, you don't.

[gears grind]

Hey, step on it, Uncle Marty.
Dad's getting away from us.

[chuckles] Who would have thought
a truck that big could go that fast?

l can't believe we have to spend
Christmas break helping Grandma move.

Oh, come on!
What else would you guys be doing?

- Hanging out with my girlfriend.
- Going to parties.

Seeing all the new movies.

Anybody interested in switching lives?

- Breaker, breaker.
- [man] Go ahead, Murray.

You got The Tool Man about miles
outside of the Motor City. Come back.

[man] I'm at your front door
about two yardsticks.

Watch out for the road pizza
in the granny.

''Road pizza in the granny?''

Dead animal in the slow lane. Come on!

How do you know that?

'Cause every time l get
a haircut l read Big Rig Digest.

ln about , l'm gonna need a motion
lotion and a pickle park. Come back.

That's a restaurant and a gas station.

There's a gas station just ahead of you.

I'll have to get back to you
on the hookers.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Oh, hi, hi. Oh, it's so good to see you.

- Hi, sweetie.
- Hi, Mom.

Mom, don't call me when
l'm doing a live show again, please.

You know,
l didn't expect you here so soon.

Tim decided to go
for the big-rig speed record.

Why are all these boxes
marked ''fragile?''

Well, l didn't know
which ones you'd be handling.

Wow.

Seeing all these boxes brings
back so many painful memories.

- When l was a kid we moved, like...
- We know, dear. Eight times.

Mom, why did you throw this out?

Oh, uh, it was in bad shape,

so l yanked it off the wall
and put it in the trash.

Yeah, but Dad made this.

Well, honey, l'm not going
to be staying in this house and, uh,

there's no room
for it in my new place.

Jes here.
He'll take anything.

Hey, l'll take it! What is it?

- Hey, hey, little brother.
- Well?

Gee, l didn't recognize you
without a head wound.

Well, l did recognize you
because you're still bald.

How many times do l have to tell you?
l'm not bald, l'm taller than my hair.

Know what? That's not it.

ln this light, you've actually
gotten a little uglier.

Uglier. Ah, the Tim Taylor wit, huh?

lmmature and yet, uh, not funny.

- Come on. Watch it, watch it, watch it.
- OK, Dad.

Hey, Tim, look at this.

lt's Dad's plans
from when he remodeled the house.

You gotta be kiddin'!

These have gotta be about years old.

[straining] Dad.

Careful with that, it's an antique.

- Randy.
- Lift with your legs.

- Ah, get back here.
- This is everything.

This is the bedroom, the den, the
kitchen, that dining room addition...

Yeah. Look at the details Dad put in.
He must have loved doing this.

Crown molding in all the rooms,
tongue-and-groove on all the floors.

You're too young to remember,
but Dad hand-rebuilt that mantelpiece.

Well, he had to after you tried to use
the propane t*nk as a fire poker.

Last time l saw these plans,
l was helping Dad build this staircase.

Solid maple. He let me turn one
of these balusters, install it myself.

- They're fine if you don't touch them.
- Yeah.

Man, we used to have
some great times in here, you know?

lt's hard to believe we're not
gonna see the place again.

Well...

[laughs] Remember sliding down
this banister, guys?

Oh, yeah. Of course, l also remember

there was only one of us dumb enough
to go down facing forward.

Anybody can do it backwards.

Mom was wrong too.
l was still able to have children.

Yeah, but look at 'em.

...break.

[doorbell rings]

- [Jill] Tim, would you get that?
- Ah!

[high-pitched] l'll get it.

[woman] Hello.

Oh, are... are you OK?

[high-pitched] l'm fine, l'm fine.

[clears throat] l just took a short
little trip down memory lane.

[woman laughs]

Hi. We're the Burtons,
the new owners of the house.

- Tim Taylor. l used to live here.
- Hope we're not intruding.

- No, no, no. Come on in.
- Great.

Thanks.

We were wondering
if we could take measurements.

- Yeah, go ahead.
- Thanks.

We need to do it before Monday because
we have a crew to rip up the floors.

Rip up the floors? These
are tongue-and-groove wood floors.

Well, we prefer ceramic tile.

Ceramic tile doesn't really go
with anything else in the house.

Oh, it will when we're done.

What else are you gonna do?

We're taking out all the old stuff,
like that fireplace.

That fireplace is hand-built.
lt's one of a kind.

We want to give it
a contemporary feeling.

Put in floor-to-ceiling mirrors.

Ah! Go for that fun house look.

- [clears throat]
- Excuse me?

Measuring the staircase?
You're taking this out?

Actually, we were going
to replace it with wrought iron.

Oh, yeah.

That wrought iron and mirror,
there's a handsome look. Yeah.

Put in a front desk, some fake ferns
and a bellhop, you got a hotel lobby.

You know,
maybe we should come back another time.

You know what?
l'm sorry that we bothered you.

This is real craftsmanship
in this house, you know.

My father and l
built this staircase by hand.

This house is perfect the way it is!

[mother grunts]
Who was that at the door, Tim?

- Mr. and Mrs. Motel .
- Who?

The new owners. You know
what they want to do to this place?

Yeah, they mentioned a few things.
Ceramic tile, wrought-iron staircase.

- That's OK with you?
- Well, it's their house.

They can do whatever they want with it.

You lived here years
and you let people buy the house

that are just gonna tear it apart?

Well, what was l supposed to do?

Background check?

Find out how their values are, whether
they're pro or anti tongue-and-groove.

Tim, l sold them the house.
l didn't put it up for adoption.

- Wait. Just...
- No way. Why are you taking the toilet?

Because l need a new one.

No sense spending good money
when l can have this one for free.

This isn't just a toilet, you know.
lt's... an heirloom.

This toilet is full of memories.

Yeah, for me too.
Remember the night of my bachelor party?

Ooh, some major hurling in there.

Hey, how about when Dad
brought back that bag of smoked chub

- from the lndian reservation?
- [all laugh]

That was a bad week.

OK, boys, you just put that toilet right
back. lt belongs to the new owners.

Ah... They'll just probably throw it out
like the rest of the stuff.

- What?
- New owners, tearing out everything.

Floor, the mantel.
They're taking out the stairway.

How are they gonna
get to the second floor?

Hey, this is serious!
They can't do that to us.

This is the house where we grew up.

The house where l learned you can
put a lawn mower engine on a tricycle.

This is the house where l lost my hair.

Whoa! ls this Dad and his hot rod?

[laughs] Yeah, that's Dad.

During his hippie days. His motto
was ''Peace, Love and Valvoline.''

Peace.

Valvoline.

- Take that downstairs.
- Sure.

- My first hot rod.
- Yeah.

Oh, look at this cute little plane.
Did you make this?

That's a Spitfire, honey.

l glued that when l was years old.
l won first prize at a hobby show.

For the plane or the shelf?

Let me ask you a question.

You've always wanted
a vacation home?

Yeah.

How would you feel about buying this
and making it our getaway home?

You're suggesting that we come up here
for romantic weekends

and sleep in your mother's bedroom?

Well, it's not like she's gonna be here.

- Neither are we.
- Come on. Listen to me.

- Yeah.
- The people that are buying this house

are gonna rip out the floor,
take out the mantel, the staircase.

The staircase?

They're tearing down
the house l grew up in.

Oh, no, that's awful. l'm so sorry.

l know how bad Wilson felt when he took
his Mexican radishes and left the zoo.

What?

He just said this
was gonna be real tough.

Yeah. lt's gotta be tough.

l used to fall apart every time
l left a house l barely lived in,

but this house has been
a part of your life for so long.

Yes, it has. Dad put his heart
and soul in this place.

Everything l loved about him is here.

Tim... this house is really beautiful,

but everything you loved about him
is something you carry with you,

don't you think?
l mean, all your memories about him

and what he taught you about cars
and how to work with tools.

How to be a great dad.

l mean, who showed you how to sh**t
those peas right out of your nose?

Mom.

Dad taught us how to use six parts
of our body as a musical instrument.

- Seven.
- [laughs]

Oh, boy.
Ah, you're probably right.

No matter what these people do, they
can't take the memory of him from me.

Yeah.

Your dad must have been a great guy.
l wish l had met him.

He was a great guy.

He would have loved you,
loved everything about you.

- Yeah.
- Except maybe that turkey tetrazzini.

[Tim] Mom,
can l talk to you for a minute?

Sure, honey.

- l'm sorry l snapped at you earlier.
- Oh, listen, that's all right.

You know, l never realized that leaving
this house would be so tough on you.

Neither did l. l'm just
surprised how well you're doing.

- [laughs] How well l'm doing?
- Yeah.

Oh, honey, if you realized
how many years l've spent thinking

about this day
and crying about it a lot.

l'm sorry. You know, l don't mean
to make you feel bad about this.

- Tim, l just love this house.
- Yeah.

Everywhere l look
there's just a wonderful memory.

You know, l'll never forget
all the Christmases we've had here.

The whole family
gathered around the table

and the fire burning in the fireplace.

The turkey burning in the oven.

Do you remember the Christmas
after Marty was born?

Do l? We're upstairs babysitting,
his belly button falls off.

Scared the hell out of all of us.

''Mom, you had better get up here.
l think this kid's falling apart.''

That was the... that was the Christmas
l helped Dad finish the staircase.

- Hey, Tim. Tim.
- [young Tim] Yeah, Dad?

l want to check your measurements
for the carpeting for the stairs.

You don't have to. l already cut it.

Oh, no.

Don't worry. l know what l'm doing.

Oh, no.

Tim, what did l tell you?

You gotta measure twice and cut once.
Plus, l didn't ask you to cut it, son.

Sorry. l guess l messed up again.

Ah, it's all right.

Working with tools,
it's not for everybody and, well,

when you grow up you'll find something
that's more suitable for you.

[mother] Michael, Tim,
time to get ready for dinner.

l can smell the turkey burning.

Son, there is nothing like
your mother's turkey. All dark meat.

You know, Tim, as hard as it's
gonna be for me leaving this house,

l am so happy to be moving closer to you
and Marty and all the grandchildren.

We're gonna be happy to have you.
lt's gonna be OK.

l know, l know.

Wait a minute. l've got an idea.

How would you feel about having
one last Christmas dinner here tonight?

Well, honey,
Christmas isn't until Wednesday,

and we've packed up the whole house.

So we order food in. We'll eat on the
floor like a pre-Christmas scrimmage.

- You know, that could be great.
- Yeah.

Do you know that the first night
your father and l moved here,

we ate on the floor?
We had this romantic dinner

- and then we danced and... and...
- Mom. Mom.

More than l need to know.

Oh, this is so wonderful.

lt's just like all the Christmases
we used to have here.

Except that we're eating off the floor.

Steve and John
aren't burping the national anthem.

[all laugh]

lnstead of burnt turkey,
we're having pizza and linguine.

After dinner,
why don't we all go caroling?

We can sing,
''l'm dreaming of a white clam sauce.''

- Not bad.
- Or ''Deck the halls with calamari.''

Oh, boy!

- ''Silent night, cannoli night.''
- Better.

They're just like us
when we were kids.

Yeah, except they're clever.

Well, l'm stuffed.

Yeah. Me too. Look, l'll,
uh, l'll take all the leftovers.

l'm having some people
over tomorrow night.

- How are you, honey?
- l'm good.

l was just thinking
how much l'm like this house.

You mean you both have old, leaky pipes?

l'm speaking metaphorically.

Metaphorically?
You actually know what that means?

l have a neighbor
who explains stuff like this to me.

So how are you like this house?

OK, when they said they
were ripping out the insides,

l felt like they
were ripping out my insides.

Listen, since the Burtons
are tearing this all apart,

why don't you boys just
take whatever's important to you?

- Really? l'll flip you for the toilet.
- OK.

l want the mantel and banister.
lf that's all right.

Because l can just tear this one
out here and replace it at our house.

As long as l've
got the sledgehammer out...

Oh, no.

[tires screeching]

You're too young to remember,
but Dad hand-built that mantelpiece.

He had to after that little incident
with Gl Joe and the bottle rocket.

Uh, Dad, Grandma says look
behind you. There's a raccoon.

Really? And there's
a hippopotamus up on the roof.

[Al] Tim?

Actually, there is
a hippopotamus up on the roof.

- She's not kiddin' you.
- Oh!