05x12 - Twas the Flight Before Christmas

[bunniefuu]

(sleigh bells)

- Does everybody know what time it is?
- Tool Time!

Binford Tools is proud to present
Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor! Whoo!

Thank you, Heidi and everyone.
l am Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor.

And you all know my assistant,
Al ''Be Quarantined for Christmas'' Borland.

Today, Al and l start out
our week-long salute...

(electrical charge)

...to electricity.

That's right, and that's why
we're wearing the flash suits

worn by professional electricians.

You can take up to , volts
and not get electrocuted.

Yeah. But, Al...

But they look so darn cool, don't they?

lt's like the s way of saying,
''Hey, l'm not gonna get fried!''

Notice Tim's flame-resistant parka
and color-coordinated insulated gloves.

lt boasts a safety helmet
with UV face-shield

and it's tastefully accessorized
by this matching tote bag.

You might want to wear these when you
put up your Christmas lights this weekend.

Actually, l'm way ahead of you.
With this outfit l can safely replace

my measly seven-watt bulbs with these
-watt bad boys right here, huh?

You could light up an airport runway
with that much wattage on your roof.

Well, maybe it's time for old St.Nick
to trade in that old sleigh

for the new Boeing fly-by-wire.

Tim, where are you gonna get
enough juice to run something like this?

Can you believe he asked ''The Tool Man''
that? Heidi, my generator, please.

- Here you go, Tim.
- Ha-ha-ha.

You want to plug it in for me, Al?

l don't think so, Tim.

OK, then l'll do it.

All right. Heidi, hit the switch!

All right, Tim. That's enough.
Tim? Turn it off!

- Oh, Heidi, get that switch.
- Turn it off, Tim!

Turn it off! Oh!

That was brighter than
l thought it was gonna be, Al.

Yes, it was, Tim.

All right. Great news, guys.

This year you'll help me b*at
Doc Johnson in the lighting contest.

- Cool.
- l can't believe you're letting us help.

Well, you've earned it.

You're a year older,
more mature, more responsible.

Since you're going out of town,
you have no choice.

Hey, hey, hey! What have l always
taught you what Christmas is all about?

b*ating the pants off an -year-old
proctologist in a lighting contest.

- That's the spirit.
- Will we get to put up the manger?

No. l'll put up the manger when l get home.
That's my specialty.

Last year, your specialty
fell through the roof.

l got the quirks worked out.
All right? Got the generator,

string of lights from work.
They're up there.

Now, if any more electrical work
needs to be done, l want Brad to do it.

- How come he gets to do it?
- Because he's the oldest.

And l'm the only one
that can fit into Dad's suit.

- Aren't you getting ready for the airport?
- l am ready. l'm just waiting for Al.

l just don't understand why you have to
go away the day before Christmas.

We've been through this.
Binford is the proud sponsor of

this year's Winterfest in Kinross,
and Al and l play very important roles.

Tim, you are a grand marshal
of an elf parade!

Even little green people
need a leader, honey.

Well, l don't know how you can
leave me for a bunch of elves.

l'll be home before dinner. l'm not gonna
go to the pointy-shoe banquet.

(doorbell rings)

- Hi, llene! Hi, Al!
- Merry Christmas!

- Hi, llene.
- Hi, Jill.

l brought the ingredients to make
my famous pfeffernusse cookies.

Wait till you get your hands on
her pfeffernusse.

Oh, l'd like to,
but l'm a one-pfeffernusse guy.

(beeping)

Oh, that's my beeper.
l wonder who that is.

(all) Your mother.

- Can l use your phone?
- Yeah, sure.

That's the fourth time
she's beeped him this morning.

l can imagine Al's mother
would put stress on any relationship.

Al's mother could put stress on
a -ton steel beam.

l'm glad she's visiting
his brother for the holidays.

We'll finally be alone on New Year's Eve.

Al booked us a romantic weekend
at the Hotel Trentwood.

You're coming back early?
New Year's Eve?

No. llene and l aren't doing anything
special. No, we'd love to have you.

OK, great!

- Al, l can't believe you!
- What?

l thought we were gonna
be alone for a change.

Once again your mother has to
wedge herself between us.

- That's a hell of a big wedge.
- Tim!

Help me fix the fire
and we'll let them work this out.

- Al, we're in a hurry.
- Shh.

You know, llene,
l resent your attitude towards my mother.

She's a wonderful, giving woman
who lights up all the lives she touches.

Oh, please! l am so sick of you
putting your mother up on a pedestal!

You got to admire him for having
the strength to hoist her up there.

Oh, my God! l'm turning into you.

lt's kind of fun, isn't it?

You know, and that's another reason why

llene shouldn't be upset at Mother
joining us for New Year's.

You know, after a couple of Rob Roys,
Mother can be quite the party animal.

(woman) Here are your drinks.
One ginger ale,

one martini -
double olives on the side.

- Thanks very much.
- Thank you.

Oh, l suppose mother can be needy, but...

how can l turn my back on the woman
who nurtured me from the womb?

l'm just thankful that l have a friend
like you that will lend me a supportive ear...

That has a green olive in it!

This just means the barf bag
wasn't big enough to fit over my head.

l don't why llene is acting like this.

Oh, God! Maybe the plane will crash.

l have a good mind not to give
llene her Christmas present.

And l had a necklace
made especially for her

out of coins that she collected
when she went to Stockholm

for the gingivitis symposium.

You gave her spare change
from a bloody-gum convention?

Yes. l'm sure it's a more thoughtful gift than
what you got Jill - if you got her anything.

You couldn't be further from the truth.

Why do you think l volunteered to
lead an elf parade in Kinross?

For the same reason as me - the prestige.

No. Her gift is up there.

Kinross has the best
bookstore in Michigan.

l ordered a book.
lt didn't come in time for Christmas,

- so l gotta go get it.
- What did you order?

A first edition - Freud's essays.

She'll love this.
lt'll be a Christmas she never forgets.

(pilot) Attention. passengers
The Kinross airport's been closed

due to heavy storm activity
This flight will be diverted to Alpena

(passengers moan)

Excuse me. Could you tell us
where the main terminal is?

Take two giant steps forward.

ls there still a chance
we can make it to Kinross?

l don't see how. There'll be no more
flights in or out until the storm's over.

But this is an emergency!
The hospital has a special helicopter.

- What's the emergency?
- We're leading an elf parade.

Try me again
when you're donating a kidney.

We really have to get there.
ls there a car-rental counter here?

Of course.

Now, what kind of car would you like?
We're running a special on convertibles.

- lt's four degrees outside.
- Then l'd advise you to leave the top up.

- Could you give us a map to Kinross?
- No problem.

l don't think the map
is going to do you much good.

- Why not?
- The roads are closed.

Well, why are we renting
a car if we can't drive it anywhere?

l was wondering the same thing myself.

This is just great. Stuck here in
the airport, and Jill's gift is in Kinross.

ls there any place l can look
for a book here?

- We have some books in our gift shop.
- And the gift shop would be...?

OK, can l see some of your books?

Sorry. We're closed for the holidays.

There's no way we'll make it
to the elf parade.

So we're trying to get a plane back
when storm clears here.

l knew it would happen.
You'll miss Christmas Eve!

l've never missed a Christmas Eve.
Whatever it takes, l'm getting home.

Well, l hope so. The boys will be
really disappointed when l tell them.

Wait. Hold on a second.
Guys, it's your father.

He's stranded and he may not
make it back tonight.

- All right!
- Cool!

Wait a second! You don't want to
see your father on Christmas Eve?

lt's not that. We just want to
do the lighting contest by ourselves.

- (Tim) What's going on?
- They're crushed. l'm comforting them.

- Put Randy on the phone.
- Tim, l need to talk to llene.

Hold on. l gotta tell Randy how to
put the runway lights on the manger.

This is more important.

Put llene on the phone, please.

- Sugar pumpkin?
- No, sweet pea. l'll get sugar pumpkin.

Al?

l think l have a solution for New Year's Eve
that's gonna make everybody happy.

- You do?
- Yes.

Mother rings in the New Year with us,

but then we put her in a cab
and have the weekend to ourselves.

Al, you are missing the whole point.
You are years old.

- Don't you think it's time to cut the cord?
- Cut the cord?

Cut the cord?!
lt's the only one that'll handle the lights!

This is not about your stupid lights!
My relationship is hanging in the balance!

So, the extension cord's OK?

Al, you are gonna have to make a choice.
lt is either me or your mother.

llene hung up.

There's gotta be some way
out of here. Something else.

- A snowmobile?
- That would work...

- OK.
- ...if we had one.

How about a dog sled?

l've got a dog,
and my grandson has a sled.

- Perfect.
- Of course, my dog's a poodle.

Good. Thank you. l got some good news.
The storm has let up in Kinross.

- All right.
- Great!

Unfortunately, it's getting worse here.

ln fact, it might not let up
for a couple of days.

- We'll have to sleep here in the airport?
- There are some hotels in town.

- Well, we'd better hurry up and book one.
- Sorry. They were booked up hours ago.

- But l rent out a lovely room in my house.
- OK, l'll bite. How much?

- lt's going for $ a night.
- OK.

Except in storm season.
Then it's .

You know, pal, l'm gonna alert
the Better Business Bureau about you.

Go ahead.

Can l help you?

This is the worst Christmas of my life!

l'm stuck in this dinky airport!
My relationship is collapsing!

And l've cleaned out every cheese puff
in this stupid vending machine!

And we have no place to sleep.

Hey, ma'am.
Ma'am, you live around here.

Could my friend and l sleep at your house?
We'll pay you money.

Perverts!

See you at home, Mom.

- Why are you putting that up there?
- We had a little Wise Man accident.

Yeah. Now we have two Wise Men
and a clown.

So now the three Wise Men come bearing
gold, frankincense, and a seltzer bottle.

All right. He's all tied up.
Bozo's on the roof.

Guys, why don't you take a break?
llene's got cookies for you.

lf they taste salty, don't say anything.
She's been crying into the batter.

l think l'll just have some milk.

Well, hi-de-ho-ho-ho, neighborette.
And a Merry Christmas!

Maybe on your side of the fence.

l got boys crawling on the roof,
Tim's stuck in Alpena,

and a depressed orthodontist
crying into her pfeffernusse.

So, Tim is stuck in Alpena, huh?
That is such a lovely town.

l have a good friend who works there.
He's a clerk at the airport.

l'm so disappointed.

l wanted to give Tim his present tonight.
l got him something special.

Well, l assume it has something to do
with a car or a tool.

Oh, yeah, both.
l got him a set of tools for the car.

And this thing called a power inverter.

lt allows you to plug your tools
right into a car lighter.

lf he gets stuck in traffic, instead
of swearing, he can build something.

(chuckles)

Sounds like the perfect gift for Tim.

- Are you and Judith together?
- Yes, indeedy.

This is the first Christmas
we've spent together.

And l am so looking forward to giving her
the sweater that l knitted for her.

- You knitted her a sweater?
- Mm-hm.

Right after l sheared the sheep
and spun the wool.

- Wow!
- Then later on, l'm gonna fix her dinner.

- What are you making?
- Lamb chops.

OK. Thanks.
l've got some good news for you.

ln the spirit of Christmas Eve, l'm slashing
the price of my room back to $ .

ln other words, the storm is letting up.

Yes. Yes, it is.

You should be able to get
a flight in about minutes.

Finally!

Would you gentlemen care for
some flight insurance?

No!

lt looks like we'll make it
home for Christmas.

The only problem is l still don't know
what to do about llene and my mother.

How can l choose between the woman
who means more to me than anything,

or my girlfriend?

On the other hand, she is my mother.

But on the other hand, llene could
be the mother of my children.

- On the other hand...
- Al, that's eight hands.

Why don't you take one of them
and slap yourself?

(beeping)

Excuse me.
Are you by any chance a doctor?

No. He's a mama's boy.

OK, let me ask you a question.
Have you ever thought about having kids?

- Of course.
- That won't happen with your mother.

- Tim, you don't understand.
- Well, just try me, will ya?

l made a promise before my dad d*ed
that l would take care of my mother.

- And l just... l can't turn my back on her.
- No one's asking you to do that.

l think llene just wants to feel that
she won't take a back seat to your mother.

l mean, is she or is she not
the most important woman in your life?

She's the most important woman under .

- You gotta do better than that, Al.
- l don't know if l can!

When you made that promise to your dad,

don't you think he would've wanted you
to fall in love and have a family?

- You're right.
- l know l'm right.

lf your dad were here now,
what would he say to you?

''Al, stay with Mother.
l'm going to the track.''

l see your point. l think l have to
set some limits with my mother.

Yes. And l'm gonna start by getting rid of
this stupid beeper.

All right.

(pilot) Ladies and gentlemen. we're
approaching the Detroit metropolitan area

Now . unfortunately. visibility is so low
that we are unable to land

It looks like we may be diverted to Toledo

This is unbelievable.
This is unbelievable!

l won't be home for the first time
at Christmas. l have no gift for Jill.

- l won't see the boys' Christmas lights.
- Have some faith, there's still time.

lt's hopeless.
The kids'll be lighting it up now anyway.

Wait a minute A tremendous beam
of light has just broken through the fog

That's my house! Those are our lights!

I've just heard from the tower
that we now have visibility

and will be able to land after all

- All right!
- Hey!

lf he lands there,
he's gonna land right on the manger.

Wait a minute.

What's that clown doing
next to baby Jesus?

l can't believe we won the lighting contest.

And helped land a plane.

Well, this just proves one thing, guys.

Dad's been holding us back
all these years.

Oh, Al. l'm so glad
we're back together again.

Me, too. And you know,
it was the easiest decision of my life.

lt's a power inverter. All these tools
for the car - l love this. Thanks.

- OK, my turn.
- All right. You're gonna love it.

Undo this... all right.

lt's a beeper!

Well, l figured, you know, if any time
l wanted to tell you l love you,

l can just do it hours a day now.

(beeping)

Gee, Tim! l'd love to tell you how
touched l am, but l have to call Al's mother.

- We have to sleep here in the airport?
- Afraid not.

lt's, like, we can't have people walking
around outside of the aircraft.

What are you gonna do? Drive to Detroit?

Pilot, there's people outside of the airplane.
You're way too low.

You should be able to get
a flight in about minutes.

Finally!

Would you gentlemen care for
some flight insurance?

No!

OK. But if your plane crashes,
you'll be sorry.