02x23 - To Build or Not to Build

[bunniefuu]

- Hey.
- Oh, hi.

- You've been shopping.
- Yep.

Well, I know that's
not my Mother's Day present,

since you leave that
to the last possible moment.

Ha! This just happens
to be your Mother's Day present.

Oh, yeah? What is it?

- I don't wanna ruin the surprise.
- Ruin it.

No, no, no. I wanna see
your face light up on Mother's Day.

Why? Is it a flame thrower?

- You're gonna love this.
- Let me see. Let me see.

Oh! Just what I always wanted. A muffler.

Well, if anyone could use a muffler,
it'd be you.

I should've known.

You and the boys haven't given my present
a moment's thought.

Yes, we have.

You have not. You're just gonna
run the boys to the nearest minimart

- and buy the first thing you see.
- I encourage my boys to buy quality gifts.

Yeah, right.

Like this, uh, multicolored candy necklace.

This isn't just candy.
These are breath mints.

Yeah.

And these priceless things here.

I bought those. Those are one of a kind.

Ever wonder why, Tim?

A lot of women pay big bucks
to look like a rearview mirror, hon.

Tim, I don't want you to go out and buy
the boys presents to give me. You know?

I want them to give me
something that's from their hearts.

All right. I'll get the boys together.
We'll gear up this year.

We'll make May a day you never forget.

Mother's Day is May .

I know.

But around here, we celebrate May .

It's Muffler's Day.

(Jill) Well, what do you think?
Could we put the kids in the middle?

Guys, guys, guys. Come on. Huddle up.

I want to talk to you before your mom
comes down. Mark, you're the lookout.

- OK.
- All right.

- I don't want your mom to hear this.
- What did you blow up this time?

The toaster, but she knows about that.

No, no, no, no.

I wanna talk about a Mother's Day gift.

Come on, Dad. We still have
four days till we have to buy her something.

No, that's exactly my point.
She doesn't want us to do this.

She wants something from the heart.
So, you know what we're gonna give her?

Blood?

No, ventricle breath. Not blood.

When I get home from work,
we're gonna build her something.

Come on, Dad.
Let's just buy her something.

- This is your mom we're talking about.
- I know.

Do you know that you
were a very difficult birth? Hm?

Breech baby? Hm?

Elbows straight up
like grasshoppers? Hm?

hours of labor? Hm?

All right, Dad. OK.

- Hi, guys.
- Here she comes!

lxnay on the giftay, uysgays.

Planning my Mother's Day gift already?

Gosh. I'm so impressed, I'm not even
gonna ask you what you're buying me.

- We're each gonna make you something.
- Hey.

You're gonna make me something?

I love that idea. Thank you.

OK, guys, build away.
Now, boys, don't forget

to put your lunches in your backpacks
and brush your teeth before you go, OK?

- Bye, Mom.
- Love you. Have a good day.

- Oh, you need gas in your car.
- Oh, d'oh!

Hey, way to go, loudmouth.
Now we actually have to build something.

Nice attitude. Come on, guys.
I already took the hot rod outta the garage.

When I get home from work,
we'll turn it into Man Central. Huh?

Saw blades, cuts, slivers, blisters...
(excited grunt)

Come on. A little Mother's Day grunt?

(grunts) I love you, Mom.
You're the greatest.

(all grunt) I love you, Mom.
You're the greatest.

Friends, having difficult removing all
that gunk outta that ugly bathroom drain?

Well, these are just a few
of the products Binford gives you

to remove dirt and grease
and, in Al's case, loose beard hair.

One of the most popular tools
is called the plunger.

That's right.
You might wanna remind our viewers...

to coat the...

to coat the rim of the plug
with petroleum jelly.

This will help form a tight seal
between the plunger and the drain.

Yes. Next, I'd like to show you
Binford's closet auger.

Now, this particular auger
helps toilet clogs.

(plop)

Help me, Al.
I got a big one. A freshwater hairball.

And finally, our favorite choice -
the Binford trap and drain auger.

Normally called "the snake."

(snake-charming music)

Remember, folks, if it doesn't say
Binford on it, you won't be able to flush it.

Well, we're just about out of time.

But before we go,
I'd like to talk a little bit about Al's mother.

- I'd prefer you wouldn't, Tim.
- I know, but with Mother's Day coming up,

I realize a lot of the time
I make fun of her on the show.

Yes, you do. My mother
is frequently the butt of your jokes.

Al, you make this too easy.

Well, you... you're always
poking fun of her cooking,

of her weight,
her love for bingo, her son...

Al, come in for a landing, OK?

Being Mother's Day, I thought I'd make
her a gift, kind of a - ooh - peace offering.

- Really?
- Lisa!

Well, that was awfully big of you.

Well, I thought maybe for those...
those festive Thanksgiving dinners,

she might have a nice new apron.

- What are you guys building in there?
- Who said we were building anything?

- Come on. What are you making?
- Can't tell you. Top secret.

Brad, give me a hint.

- No hints!
- (gasps)

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
And you call yourself a mother.

Come on, son.

(knocks)

(Randy) What's the secret grunt?

(both grunt)

(grunt)

(grunt)

(Randy) Enter.

- Hi, Mom. Can I have a Popsicle?
- Sure.

(Tim) What's the secret grunt?

(grunts)

(grunts)

(grunts)

Access denied.
Too much estrogen content.

OK, Dad. I'm all finished.
All I need to do is let the glue set.

- Great job on the little jewelry box, son.
- Thanks.

Quick, and very nice.
Take a little gander at Randy's.

Don't bother. It stinks, Dad.

What is it? I can't even figure it out.

Well, don't rack your brain.
You might smash the pea.

Guys, give it a rest, OK? Take five.

Don't worry about your brother.
I think this birdhouse is really nice.

I'll help you fix these walls.

- What's wrong with them? They're up.
- Well, if I use the miter box on them,

I can take all the rough edges off
and they'll fit real close together like this.

- I'll just paint over 'em.
- All right. If you wanna paint over 'em...

But at least we'll sand down
some of this rough stuff. OK?

- Look, Dad. I'll just buy Mom something.
- No, don't buy her something.

- But I don't like doing this stuff.
- Yeah, you like it.

Dad, I didn't wanna
do this in the first place.

- Oh, why don't I just finish it for you?
- Great.

Is that all that your mother means to you?

Come on, Dad. It doesn't matter. Mom's
gonna love any piece of junk I give her.

There's a nice sentiment.
Why don't you just put that on the card?

"Happy Mother's Day, Mom. Here's
some junk I know you'll love. Randy."

What are you talking about?
This is the Norwegian death hold.

- No, it's not. I can still breathe.
- (man on TV) Norwegian death hold

Oh, really. How about this?

- Ow That's gotta hurt
- That's it!

Hey, guys. Knock it off. Come on.

Gosh, I liked it better when you were
out in the garage with your father.

At least you weren't
trying to k*ll each other.

(drill whines)

- What's your father doing out there now?
- He's working on Randy's project.

Hey, shut up, Brad.

Hey. Randy, why is your father
working on your project?

- I don't know.
- (Jill) Randy...

Mom, I'm not good at building things.
I don't care about tools.

Well, then why did you
decide to build me something?

I didn't. Dad said I had to.

(Jill) Hey, come on, guys.
Pillows on the couch.

- Tim, let me in.
- (Tim) What's the secret grunt?

Let me in now.

Close enough.

Why are you building
Randy's Mother's Day gift?

I'm not.
I'm just showing him the next step.

He's not in the room, Tim.

All right, all right.
He wasn't concentrating out here.

Well, maybe he's
not interested in building stuff.

All my boys
are interested in building stuff.

No. Randy's different. You know? He
likes performing, ventriloquism, magic...

- He could build this.
- Tim, you're still not getting this.

I want the boys to give me stuff
that shows their feelings for me.

What are you gonna do
with a broomstick and a pointy hat?

I'm laughing on the inside, Tim.

Now, look, I have faith in my boys that
they will pick the perfect gift on their own.

- Do you have the same faith in me?
- No.

No, I told you what I want.
A fine dinner in a nice restaurant. OK?

- We should go to Chez Pierre.
- I called them last week.

They were booked solid.

Should've called 'em and made
reservations two months ago, like I did.

- You did that?
- Mm-hm.

Oh, honey.

Yep. All set.

Reservation for five,
Mother's Day gourmet feast.

Mm.

Is that the one with the corsage
and the champagne and the live music?

Mais oui

Boy, they go to a lot of effort
on this bogus holiday, don't they?

Excuse me. Did you call
Mother's Day a bogus holiday?

Well, it's just been invented by
restaurant owners and florists.

So you don't think that women,

who go through the pain,
torment and suffering of childbirth,

don't deserve a special day?

You got a day. It's Labor Day.

- Afternoon, Wilson.
- Hidy-ho, neighbor.

What's with the flag?

Tim, I'm commemorating
the upcoming holiday.

With a flag?
It's not the th of July. It's Mother's Day.

You see, Tim, back in ,
Congress passed a resolution

establishing Mother's Day
as an official holiday.

(grunts) Huh?

It was a proclamation
calling on the public to display the flag

as a sign of love and reverence
for the mothers of our country,

and it was issued
by the president of the United States...

- Wilson...
- Absolutely right, Tim.

President Woodrow Wilson.

Well, maybe old Woodrow took credit
for it, but I bet his mom gave him the idea.

Mm.

- (woman) Wilson?
- Over here.

- (Tim) You have company?
- Oh, my favorite kind of company. Mother.

- She just flew in from the Yukon.
- Really? I finally get to meet your mom.

Uh-huh. Mom, I'd like you to meet
my friend and good neighbor, Tim Taylor.

Hidy-ho, Timothy.

- Hi.
- You must be the confused one

my son helps out from time to time.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm him.
Sure is good to meet you.

Ho!

I see where Wilson gets his good looks.

Yes. I just flew her in
to help her celebrate Mother's Day.

We're going down to Greek town
to drink ouzo and dance the Xoro.

(Mom sings Greek dancing music)

Boy, you guys
really like to get down, huh?

(Mom) You know it, baby.

You know, Wilson, that was a great... that's
a great idea, flying your mom in like that.

Randy, my... my middle son,
is having trouble

thinking of something
for Mother's Day for... for my wife.

(Mom) Oh, I'm sure she'll
love anything he gives her.

(Wilson) Mm-hm. That's right, Tim.
After all, it was Pierre Corneille,

the noted French playwright, who wrote:

"I am in the habit of looking
not so much to the nature of the gift

as to the spirit in which it is given."

- Oh, that's beautiful, yeah.
- Excuse me, son.

Are you sure it was Corneille?
I believe it was Robert Louis Stevenson.

Well, by golly, Mom, I think you're right.

(Mom) Pierre Corneille wrote, "The manner
of giving is worth more than the gift."

(Wilson) Act one,
scene one of his play Le Menteur

Oh, you do your mother proud.

Oh, Mom.

Thanks, Wilsons.

I was enjoying this quotefest.
But, remember, I'm the confused one.

And I still don't know
what to tell Randy about Mother's Day.

(both) Hm. Hm, hm, hm, hm.

(Mom) The most important gift
you can give any mother

is to let her know
she's loved and appreciated.

(Wilson) I couldn't
have said it better myself.

Enjoy your time here.
Greek town's a lot of fun.

(grunts) Oh, yeah.

Anyway, today we're gonna show you
how to pour a concrete foundation.

That's right.
And we'll be mixing our cement

with the Binford cement mixer.

That's right. And to get
a little help with that cement mixing,

we got the cement mixing pros
from K&B Construction company

up there in Bay City, Michigan to join us,

and I expect a big Tool Time welcome
for Dwayne, Pete and Rock.

Come on out, guys.

- It's great to have you guys here.
- It's always a pleasure to be here, Timmy.

Well, why don't we get started with
that concrete? We gotta take our footing...

Excuse me, Tim. If we have
just a minute, I'd... I'd like to read a poem.

A short poem that I wrote for my mom.

She'll be spending
this Mother's Day up at Michigan State.

- University?
- No. Penitentiary.

Pete.

This is neither the time nor the place.

She was framed, Tim.

I think, under the circumstances, we could
drop our tools for a couple of minutes

and give a salute to mothers anywhere,
or anywhere they spend their time.

"An Ode to My Mother" by Peter Bilker.

That would be me.

"Who etched this tattoo
In her purple muumuu?"

"Mother,

Mother."

"Who posted my bail
Every time, without fail?"

"Mother,

Mother."

"And who rushed to the car
With my severed thumb in a jar?"

Uh..."Father,

Father."

"But who sewed it back on
When the doctor was gone?"

"Mother,

Mother."

Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

You did a great job
getting this thing working again.

Thanks, Dad.
I couldn't have done it without your help.

You're the one that got it all cleaned up,
fixed that spring on the bottom.

And the best part is,
you're gonna disappear in it.

- OK, Dad. We're ready.
- All right.

Honey, come on down! We're all set.

You guys know what to do. When she
gets down here, on three. Ready?

One, two, three.

- (boys) Love you, Mom. You're the best.
- (Tim grunts) You're the best.

You all look like such little gentlemen.

You're so clean and well-groomed.

Mom, you don't have to rub it in.

This is the best Mother's Day gift
I could get. Come on. Let's go to dinner.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

All right, Mom.
Happy Mother's Day. It's a jewelry box.

Brad, this is beautiful.

But look what I made you.

- Let me see.
- Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

- I love this.
- It's a recipe box.

Look at it. It's made out of Popsicle sticks.
What a surprise.

And, Mom? Here's my gift to you.
A magic trick.

That is just what I wanted.

And it's real magic, too.
This is serious stuff.

- (Jill) Yeah?
- Prepare to be amazed...

by the Great Randini!

(Jill) Bravo!

Bravo! Bravo!

Thank you, thank you. And you all know
my assistant, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

And a lovely assistant he is too.

Yes.

After I lock my assistant in the trunk,
he will then disappear.

Oops. What's this?

Oh, sorry. That's my last assistant.

Boy, I tell you, you look a foot short.

Close the lid!

Brad, you wanna help me out here?

OK.

Please observe that there are no holes
of any kind, except in my assistant's head.

Abracadabra.

Ta-da!

I am amazed and astonished.

Now I shall make him reappear.

Oh, what is your hurry?

Abracadabra. Don't stand near.

Now my father will appear.

Ta-da!

Oops.

- Hey. Where is he?
- I don't know.

Well, these are all great presents, boys.
Let's go to dinner.

- Bye, Dad.
- I love you.

Have a nice time.

(Tim) Open the lid!

(knocks) Come on!

There's something moving in here.

I'm laughing on the inside, honey.

I wanna laugh on the outside!

(bangs)

M is for the million things she gave me

O means only that she's growing old

She's growing old

(Al) T is for the tears
you shed to save me

Guys, guys...

H is for the heart of purest gold

Of purest gold

E is for the eyes
with love light shining

R means right
and right you'll always be

She'll always be

When you put them
all together they spell...

Mother

A word that means the world to me

The world to me

Friends, having trouble
unclogging that nasty bathroom drain?

These are just a few of the Binford
products to help remove dirt, grease,

and, in Al's case... spare? No.

Loose? No.

Next I'd like to show you
what we call the closet auger.

Now, this particular auger will clear...