02x13 - You Better Watch Out

[bunniefuu]

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage *

* Go together like
A horse and carriage *

* This I tell ya, brother *

* You can't have one *

* Without the other *

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage *

* It's an institute
You can't disparage *

* Ask the local gentry *

* And they will say
It's elementary *

* Try, try, try
To separate them *

* It's an illusion *

* Try, try, try *

* And you will only come
To this conclusion *

* Love and marriage **

TV REPORTER: Yes, Christmas Eve
is finally here,

and so is the new
Lakeside Mall.

Bring the little kiddies.

We've got six Santas.
No waiting.

And for you bigger kids,
come to the Red Nose Bar

and meet Santa's very special
reindeer, Donna.

So come on down.
We're open till midnight.

Singers?

* Santa Claus is coming
To the Lakeside Mall **

Thanks for the help, kids.

Oh, by the way, listen.

If you're thinking

about what to get old Dad
for Christmas,

don't worry about it.

You've already given it to him.

It's called a hernia.

Dad, can we go
to that new Lakeside Mall?

Kelly can shop,
you can get bombed,

and I can ride Santa's
very special reindeer.

Dad, why don't we get Bud
one of those scratching posts

to rub against?

You know, it'll save
the furniture.

You really want to save
the furniture, Kel?

Why don't you stop putting
notches on your bedposts?

Now, Bud,
apologize to your sister.

No.

Okay.

So, Dad, can we go
to that new Lakeside Mall?

No, we can't,
and I'll tell you why.

That mall is
k*lling your father.

Oh, I thought
Mom was doing that.

Let me tell you kids something
about that Lakeside Mall.

It's taken all the business
from my mall,

which, if this continues,

we'll be broke
and living in a cardboard box

under the El.

Not us. We'll be
in a nice warm foster home.

Come on.
Let's go, Kel.

Nobody move.

That mall's not so great.

Just a bunch of stores filled
with cheap, gaudy merchandise

that only appeals

to the tasteless,
low-class shopper.

* Santa Claus is coming
To the Lakeside Mall **

Oh, God,
I love that Lakeside Mall.

Al, give me some money.
I'm going back.

Anyone want to come with me?

I do, I do.
Yeah.

Peggy,

I'm ashamed of you.

I know, Al.

Don't you
understand?

If people
keep shopping there,

we'll be broke
and living under the El.

Oh, not me.
I can always remarry.

And we'll be
in a foster home.

Let's go shopping.

Family, before you go,

would you bring old dad
his shotgun

and stand
close together?

Come on, Al.

I only go to that mall

because it's so much closer
and better than your mall.

I mean, it's not like
I was buying shoes there.

You should see it,
honey.

For Christmas, they have
these little elves

that help you
with your packages,

and a real reindeer
for the kids to ride...

Although I think
he may be dying.

Well, then,
let's hurry.

Yeah, come on, Al.

Santa is parachuting
into the mall at : .

All right!

Oh, come on.

That's not what
Christmas is about.

Christmas is about
family and giving.

Okay, here's all the crap
my family gave us last year.

It's time for
the traditional rewrapping

of this garbage

for your family.

Now...

Well, all except
Aunt Pooh's fruitcake.

Everyone in the family
already got that.

Dad, you punted that
around the house last year.

All right. We'll give it
to Steve and Marcie.

Now, has anyone
picked out a tree yet?

Oh, you know, the tree
in the Ginty house

sure is pretty this year.

It's got lots
of tinsel on it.

That'll be our tree.

Now, kids, that's your job.

He throws it out
the day after Christmas,

so bring it home.

Right, Dad.

That about does it
for Christmas this year.

Oh, I'm tired.

Aren't you
forgetting something,

greatest daddy
in the world?

Coolest dad
in the universe.

You, who makes my
life worth living.

You all want your presents,
don't you?

No. We really
love you.

Ah, life stinks.

Well, okay.

Let me go get
my Christmas bonus,

and then I'll go buy
your presents.

Dad, you didn't get
our presents yet?

It's Christmas Eve. The stores
are going to be packed.

Not in my mall, son.

Okay. He's gone.

Now for Daddy's present.

Bud, run upstairs and get a tie
out of Daddy's closet.

I'll get a box.

Oh, no, no, no. Wait.

It's Christmas. We should
make it special for him.

Bud, get one
of his shirts too.

Oh, gosh.
I just love Christmas.

I can't wait
to see Daddy's face

when he opens it.

That's his
favorite shirt.

Yeah, I saw a belt
up there

that would be great
for his birthday.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi. Do the Rhoades live here?

Why?

I have a delivery for them.

Oh, why, yes.
I'm Mrs. Rhoades.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, gee. I don't have
any change.

Bud, could you take
care of that, please?

Thank you, dear.

Oh, kids,
look at what we got

from, uh...
The Schmidts from Philadelphia.

Hey, honey.

Look what we got
from the Schmidts.

Ah, they're
good people.

Uh, Dad, I don't
see any presents.

He probably has them
in the car, stupid.

Don't you, Dad?

Well, you know how, even
when we didn't have too much,

we could always look
at the poor people

who were less
fortunate than us

and feel better.

Well, let's find
a mirror.

Business was so bad,

I didn't get a Christmas bonus
this year.

Oh, Al, no.

You mean we told you
we loved you for nothing?

So you're telling us
there's no reason to live.

Yes, I am.

Dad, I'm not like the others.

I don't care
if you have no money.

You're still my father
and I love you.

Thanks, son.

You're really getting me
a present, right, Dad?

You're just cutting
out the women.

Good, because
you should hear

how they talk
about you.

Nobody gets a present, son.

Pretty low, Dad.

Al, Christmas without presents
will be like our birthdays.

Happy birthday, hon.

I know what we can do.

Let's go down
to the Lakeside Mall.

Santa's going to drop

gift certificates when
he jumps from the plane.

Let's trample the weak
and get all we can.

Go to the mall
that k*lled me.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

* We wish you
A Merry Christmas *

BOTH: * We wish you
A Merry Christmas *

* We wish you
A Merry Christmas *

* And a Happy New Year **

Delivery from Santa
for the Bundys.

Aw, gee...
Well, thank you.

Good thing
they're labeled.

I wouldn't want
to get them mixed up

with the presents
Al gave us.

What did Peggy
get you, Al?

Irregularity.

And these two.

Al, have you been
to that new mall?

It is a sea of people.
Traffic is unbelievable.

Didn't ease up till
we got near your mall.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Give me my present, Steve.

Al, we thought long
and hard about this,

and then we came up
with the perfect gift.

Here.

We donated some money
in your name

to the National Organization
for Women.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, that's great.

Do I get tickets
to their K man-stomp?

All right.
It's our turn.

What do we get?
What do we get?

A fruitcake.

With a footprint on it.

Mm.

Well, thank you.

Hey, do you mind
if we turn on the TV?

It's time
for the news.

Maybe they'll show Santa
parachuting in

to the Lakeside Mall.

Oh, come on.
It's the news.

There's plenty
of important stuff on there.

I'm sure they're going
to spend their time

to promote a mall.

Well, Connie, I'm here

at the jam-packed
Lakeside Mall.

And if their low prices
aren't enough,

Santa, wearing
a pair of high-top Reeboks

available at Weejee's
in the mall,

will be parachuting in
any minute now.

And they wonder who's going
to fill Cronkite's shoes.

Shh!

There's the Piper Cub

coming out
of the clouds now,

and Santa
just made the jump.

What a beautiful
freefall.

And don't forget,

he's coming with a sack
filled with gift certificates

for the Lakeside Mall,

that's the Lakeside Mall,

where shopping isn't just fun,
it's news.

Come on!
Shh!

Wow, look at him fly.

Why is he flapping
his arms like that?

Santa's chute
doesn't seem to be opening.

Oh, he's being
blown off course.

Our cameras
have lost him!

Ladies and gentlemen,
we don't know where he is.

[TREE LIMBS CRACK]

[HEAVY THUMP]

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Hey, Peg.

You know what we
ought to do tonight?

We ought to make
some Christmas cookies.

Oh, yeah, and maybe
some eggnog with nutmeg.

You ghouls!

Don't you understand?

There's a splattered Santa
all over your yard.

What do you want me
to do, Steve?

Quit eating?

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Could you
keep her quiet?

We're trying to have
a Christmas here.

Well, that about
wraps it up out there,

except for a few questions
for the coroner's report,

if you don't mind.

Did you know the deceased?

Well, you know,
I've read about him in books,

but in books,
he's usually going up.

So that's a no.

Did anyone
actually see him fall?

I wish.

You know, um, son, I don't want
you get confused here, okay?

The real Santa would have never
jumped out of a plane

with a bottle of muscatel
in each hand.

No, the real Santa,
he's alive and well

and he's living
at the North Pole,

and he'll visit your house
real soon.

I'm sure he'll find it.

It shouldn't be
too hard.

Just follow
the buzzards.

Uh...

Is that
your shoe, Al?

Nope.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

You know, Mr. Bundy,
that's evidence.

Aw, what the hell.
It's Christmas.

Let him keep it.

Santa's gone.

I'll never be able
to enjoy Christmas again.

Well, you're in
the right place.

Come on, Marcie.
These things happen.

When has this happened?

Come on, Marcie. Cheer up.

It could've been worse.

He could've landed
on the picket fence.

Now, calm down and have
some Christmas pizza.

[BELLS JINGLING]

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Merry Christmas, folks.

Yeah, yeah.
God bless us, every one.

KIDS: We want Santa!

Uh-oh.

What's wrong now?

Did the Easter Bunny
hang himself in my front yard?

Uh, no.
There's kids out there.

This might have
a bad effect on them,

this being Christmas

and Santa here looking
like tree sap and all.

We can't take him out there now.

Swing him back over that way,
boys. Come on.

[BELLS JINGLING]

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

It's okay, Marcie.
Come on.

I'll take you home.

Yes, home,

where Perry Como sings

and Santa's still alive.

Is Santa okay?

We heard he landed
in your yard.

Yeah!
Yeah!

Oh, yes. He's fine.

He's a fat, jolly man,
and he'll never leave us.

As long as there's
a Christmas, there'll be...

K*llers!

I'm going
to take Marcie upstairs

and lay her down.

Put her on our bed.

Steve, I'm afraid.

I'll lay down newspaper.

Hey, this bag o' Santa's
getting pretty heavy over here.

Oh, just put him
over by the presents.

There's plenty of room there.

You know, no matter how many
bodies I handle,

Christmas corpses
always get me down.

Well, that's it.

Now, listen. We're trying
to have a holiday here.

So why don't you get out of here

and take the spirit of Christmas
with you?

Hey, I'd love to, Mr. Grinch,

but I'm not taking him out there
with those kids out there.

Al, get rid of those kids.

If I knew how to do that,
we wouldn't have ours.

Okay, everybody.

Uh... Boys and girls,

uh, and you, Tony...

Uh, Santa's okay.

Now, he just had a little bit
of Mrs. Bundy's cooking,

and he's in the bathroom,
bent over,

but he's going
to be fine.

So... Go home.

ALL: We want to see him!

No!

I'm rolling him out
right now.

Al, they're children.

This will grow them up.

Sorry, Bundy.
Can't let you do that.

For the sake
of their mental health,

that body's not going anywhere
till those kids have left.

You know, pizza,
it always reminds me

of my first day
on the job.

Al, you know
what you have to do.

ALL: We want Santa!

Come on, Santa!

Ho ho ho.

Hi, everybody.

Yay, Santa!

Thank you. Thank you.

I'm fine.

I landed on my belly.

Ho ho ho.

Merry Christmas,
each and every one.

And remember,

I know
when you've been sleeping.

I know
when you're awake.

You, Joey, I know it was you
who lit that bag of doody

and put it
on the Bundy porch,

so you're out of luck
this Christmas.

But the rest of you
will get plenty,

and remember, Santa's not
at the Lakeside Mall.

Santa hates the Lakeside Mall.

Go on home now
and t*rture your parents.

Ho ho ho.

But what did
you bring us?

Uh, noth--

Nothing yet.

That's why I got to get
back to the North Pole

with Dancer and Prancer

and, uh...
Donald and Goofy.

But we haven't told you
what we want.

Santa knows.

Then what do I want?

I don't know.
What do you want?

I want to sit
on your lap.

Uh, all right,
but make it fast.

Santa has hemorrhoids.

Um... What do you want?

I want to know why you came
to Old Man Bundy's house.

Oh, well, I came to bring him
special presents

because he sells women's shoes

and is cursed with a foul wife
and has ungrateful kids,

but still, he goes on.

But he's a butthead.

No, he's not.

He's the nicest man
on the block.

Boy, you must be Santa.

I told you I was.
What do you want?

I want a real live horse.

Hmm.

Your mom's the one

who makes pies
for everyone in the neighborhood

but those nice Bundys,
isn't she?

All right, well,

Santa will leave you a horse
tonight

under your tree,

but if it's not there
in the morning,

it's because your mommy
chased it away

and k*lled it.

Next.

Aah!

Ah, don't jump on Santa's lap
too hard, little girl.

Mrs. Claus won't like that.

No, no, Nestor,

despite what
your mom says,

Mr. Bundy doesn't really sprout
a tail at midnight,

but here's a special
Christmas gift for Daddy.

Tell him to come home
for lunch some day

around when
Mr. Mailman's there

with a special delivery
for Mommy.

That'll be a real
yuletide treat for old Dad.

But what do I get?

A new home
and a fresh new mommy.

Ho ho ho.

Well, old Santa's
got to hit the road,

but I'm going to go in

and say goodbye
to my favorite family,

the Bundys.

Be nice to them,

or you won't get
Christmas gifts next year.

KID: Santa smells
like beer!

Catch me in five minutes,
I'll smell like hard liquor.

Ho ho ho.

On, Dondi.

On, Dumbo.

Hi-ho, Silver. Away!

Yay, Santa!

Well, they're gone.

All dead guys
and non-relatives, out.

So long, Kel.

Yeah, like they really
intended to have you.

Now, kids.
We wanted both of you.

It was your father
I didn't plan on.

I'm feeling
a little better now.

Oh, no! He was
better off dead.

Ho ho ho.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, great.

It's probably an elf
with a knife in his back.

Hi.

Is this the house

Where the, uh...
Yuletide incident occurred?

What's it to you?

Well, I'm from
the Lakeside Mall,

and I just wanted to offer
our apologies

for any inconvenience
this may have caused you.

Hey, no problem.
No inconvenience.

You just took
all my business,

cost me my bonus,

made my family hate me.

That's right.

And on top of all that,

you slam-dunked Santa
into my backyard

and almost ruined Christmas for
every kid in the neighborhood.

Almost?

Well, you see,
my husband dressed up as Santa

so the kids would know
he was okay.

By the way,
love your mall.

We've got it all.

So, no one around here
knows what really happened, huh?

Nope. Thanks to me.

Hey, that ought to be
worth something, huh?

Not anymore.

I mean, if the kids think
Santa's okay, Santa's okay,

so why should I bribe you

to say something
you've already said?

It would be stupid,

kind of like
paying that dead guy

for disappointing a whole
parking lot full of kids.

I'm saving money
right and left here.

It's the best Christmas
I've ever had.

Well, that
about wraps it up here.

Roll him out, boys.

You know, Bundy,
you're a decent guy,

so here's a little tip
from me to you.

Don't die
with your jewelry on, huh?

Well, Al,
look at it this way.

You did a nice thing,

cost us a nice bribe
and a shot at a happy Christmas.

Thank your father, kids.

Thanks, Dad.
Thanks, Dad.

Yeah, I know I let
everybody down.

It's okay, Dad.

It's not like this
never happened before.

Yeah.

I mean, the Santa corpse
was a new twist,

but heck, it's something
to tell a psychiatrist

later on in life.

Yes, it's a Bundy Christmas...

And unfortunately,
we're Bundys.

[CLUNK]

What's that?

I don't know, but if it's dead
and has a red nose,

we'll throw it
in Steve and Marcie's yard.

What is it, Al?

I don't know. It looks
like it fell off the roof.

Hey, look!

It's $ certificates
from the Lakeside Mall.

Hundreds
of them!

It must have been the bag
Santa had when he jumped!

Oh, we're rich!
We're rich!

I found it!

Thank your father, kids.

Thanks, Dad.
Thanks, Dad.

Let's go bust the mall.

But first,
a moment of silence,

as we owe a lot
to that jolly, flat man.

Okay, let's go!

[KIDS SHRIEKING]

* Although it's been said *

* Many times, many ways *

* Merry Christmas *

* To you **