02x08 - Born to Walk

[bunniefuu]

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage *

* Go together like
A horse and carriage *

* This I tell ya, brother *

* You can't have one *

* Without the other *

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage *

* It's an institute
You can't disparage *

* Ask the local gentry *

* And they will say
It's elementary *

* Try, try, try
To separate them *

* It's an illusion *

* Try, try, try *

* And you will only come
To this conclusion *

* Love and marriage **

Monday, : ,
People's Court.

: ... Wheel of Fortune.

: ...

my time.

Hi, Mom. Where's Dad?

He went to get a haircut.

He didn't need a haircut.

I know, but that's
where he and his friends

like to sit around
and talk about

all they could have been
in life,

so it shouldn't be long. Why?

He promised to give me
another driving lesson today...

unless you'd like
to do it. Please?

Well, what's wrong
with your father?

He won't let me
adjust the seat,

he keeps his foot
poised over the brake,

and he yells,
"Red light!

Stop! Stop! Stop!"

when it's still
three blocks away.

I just know my roots
are coming in gray.

And you know what the most
irritating thing at all is?

The way he spits
out the window.

No, It's instead of
listening to real music,

he cranks up
the oldies station.

Well, don't worry
about it, honey.

Tomorrow, you'll pass
your driving test

and have
your very own license.

RADIO:
* Rollin', rollin' *

* Rollin' on the river-- *

Well, Daddy's home.

I'll go get my jacket
and my earplugs.

Peg, sell the house!

Why, Al?

Did you see a shirt
somewhere you'd like?

Yes. It said,
"Congratulate me. Wife's dead."

Down in the barbershop,
I got a tip on a horse.

It's fate, Peg.
His name is "Dr. Footwear."

Get it? "Dr. Footwear."

I sell shoes.

Anyhow, he's running
this Sunday at Arlington.

The great part is...

he's never won a race!

Al, does this story
have a point, or does it just

sort of go on endlessly,
like our marriage?

Gee, Peg,
when you act like this,

I just want to throw you
on the floor

and make love to you.

Either that
or just throw you on the floor.

Let's get back
to the horse.

They're holding him back
to run up the odds,

which, this Sunday,

will be a minimum
of to .

This is our chance
to really make it big.

I've got to get
betting money.

Is there anything that we have
we don't use anymore

that we can sell?

Yes, but who'd want
to buy your toothbrush?

You're such
a big help, Peg.

It's like that old saying,

"Behind every empty
shell of a man

is one of your relatives."

Ready to take me
driving, Daddy?

What's the big rush
about getting a license?

I mean, do you think

that driving a car
is glamorous?

Well, it's not as glamorous
like hitching with pervos,

but I still want to drive.

Well, what about the bus?

Yeah, that's great, Dad,
crammed together with

a bunch of sweaty strangers
who don't speak any English

except for, "Hey, Blondie,
look at this."

Daddy just doesn't want
to pay the insurance, dear.

Oh, no,
that's my pleasure, Peg,

even though my rates
will skyrocket

because you're underage,
and I'm paying a special rate

for the Bumper Car Queen
over here.

Well, I know why you don't
want me to drive,

and it's not
the insurance.

Your little girl
is growing up,

and you can't bear
to let her go, huh?

No, it's the insurance.

Take her out, Al.

Yeah, take her out,

buy her clothes.
She needs books.

Get her some medicine.

When will it all end?

Sure, sure,
I get one day off a week,

and what do I wind up doing?
Spending it with my family.

Oh, God!

Saturday, : p.m.,

make love.

: ...

Al goes to sleep.

: , finish making love.

Hi, Mom. If anything
should happen to me,

don't believe that

I jumped in front
of Kelly's car.

She's been telling me
when she gets her license,

I'm car meat.

Oh, Bud, she's just
teasing you.

The last time
she teased me like that,

I woke up bald.

Well, yeah,

but then you got to be Kojak
for Halloween.

Kelly's the worst driver
in the world.

Daddy got a ticket.

Hi, Kelly.

Hi... car meat.

Mom...

Go out and play, Bud.

Watch out for cars.

I can't believe this.

"Let's have kids."

Now I get a ticket.

Driving with
your shoes off, Al?

No. We were stopped
for a busted tail-light,

and then Dad got another ticket

because his license
expired last month.

Oh, Al, that means
it was your birthday last month.

Happy birthday, honey.

You know what
this means, Mom,

is that Dad has to take

his driving test
with me tomorrow.

Oh, Daddy's growing up
so fast.

Oh, get away from me.

That's just what
I want to do tomorrow,

spend the day at the DMV,
eight hours in line,

with a bunch of foreigners
who smell like vegetables.

Naturally, I'll be
in the wrong line.

My line will be the one

where they're barbecuing
the chihuahua.

Mom, Kelly parked
on my skateboard.

Oh, did I?

Good thing
you weren't on it, huh?

I'm going to go study.

Can I quiz you, Kel?

Sure.

Where were you
last night?

Ha ha ha! Car meat.

What a day off, huh?

Next, Steve and Marcie
will come over.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Guess who!

I give up.

Al, did you know
your car has a busted taillight?

And this is my family.
It's a great life, huh?

They could pull you over

and give you
a ticket for that.

I think they just
give you a warning...

unless they really
hate you.

Get rid of them.

Would you like
some coffee?

Well, actually,
we can't stay long.

Steve and I are going
to the nursery

to pick up some petunia flats.

Real cool, Steve.

Well, it's not
the John Wayne movie

your life is,

but then again,
what is?

Anyhow, your car
is blocking our driveway.

I could probably
get around it,

but I figure, why should I?

Good parking makes
good neighbors, right, Al?

You're not really
going to make me move my car

for five feet, are you?

Two feet, three inches, Al.

Gee, Al, that's about
how far your underwear lands

from the hamper.

Well, you say "I do,"

but you don't really
know what it means.

What are you guys doing?

Studying for
my driving test.

Okay, Kel,
here's another one.

You're walking
down the street,

an old man
with a dollar

pulls up beside you.

You A) ignore him
and keep walking,

B) call the police,

or C) do what
you usually do?

Mom, can we get Bud

one of those
reflective collars?

Like tiny little
bull's eyes in the night.

So, you're finally getting
your license, huh?

You're going
to love it, Kelly.

Driving gives you
real independence.

Yeah, I know
what you mean.

You know, I was really
getting sick of

that put-out- or-get-out stuff
you know?

Yes, that too.

But you know,

a woman doesn't know
true equality

till she has the freedom

to come and go
as she pleases.

And don't forget

to flirt with
your driving instructor.

Then if he makes
any advances,

you can sue him
for sex discrimination.

How I envy you!

Hey, Steve?

You know that
two feet, three inches?

Well, it was just big enough
that a cop spotted me

and gave me another ticket
for a broken tail-light.

Well, I warned you, Al.

You know, me and you

just have to
go hunting one day.

Yeah. I'll get you
a pair of antlers to wear.

I thought we were going, Al.

We'll make a day of it.

Dad, are you sure you don't want
to study for your driving test?

Driving test?

Al got stopped earlier.

He'd let
his license expire,

so now he has to take
the test over again.

And we know
how well Al did in school.

He's a shoe salesman, you know?

I know what you're
thinking, Steve,

but you can't have her,
she's mine.

Till deer season.

Ooh.

These tests are brutal.

Ohh, here's one they'll never
get me on again.

How many feet in advance
do you have to signal

before making a turn

in a business
or residential area?

Who cares?

A cop in a business
or residential area.

Come on, Al,
take a guess.

Two feet, three inches.

BOTH: At least feet.

Very good.

Maybe you'd
better study, Al.

I've been driving
for years.

I don't have to study.

I passed.

I failed.

Congratulations, Kelly.
I'm so proud of you.

Peg, maybe you didn't hear me.

I said, I failed
my written test.

Well, I didn't say
I was proud of you.

And, Mom, Dad got
another ticket

for a broken tail-light

and one for driving
without a license.

Oh, I'm sorry, Al.
Now I'm proud of you.

Yeah. This is
a great little town.

Neighborhood's
burning down, no cops.

Robberies every minute,
no cops.

I start my car,
here comes the Bundy Squad.

Daddy, this is so like you.

I mean, here I've got
this great news,

and you have to
rain on my parade.

I mean, this is
the happiest day of my life.

Well, I'm just glad I could be
a small part of it, pumpkin.

What are you
so upset about, Al?

Well, let's see,
I don't have a license.

What does that mean?

A) better Christmas
presents for everyone,

B) the car will be
much roomier with me not in it,

or C) the breadwinner
can't drive to work,

so we'll all starve.

So there's no problem

with me using the car
during the week?

No, no.
Go ahead. Take it.

Just don't
get it dirty,

because we'll be
living in it soon.

Thanks, Dad.

Al, you can always take
the test again Monday.

You can make it
one weekend

without a car.

Well, I've got to get
to work tomorrow?

How am I going to get there?

Between Kelly and me,
there will be no problem.

Well...

a special thanks to everyone

who didn't get up this morning
to drive me to work.

That's my bike.
I reported it stolen.

Well, I'll get arrested
for that tomorrow.

Today, I just get a ticket
for a broken tail-light.

Peg, I can't believe this.

I got so many tickets,

I don't have any money left
to bet on that horse.

Well, there's
no rush, honey.

I'm sure
he'll still be running

by the time
you get your license.

Yuck it up, Peg.

Will you get me
some juice, honey?

I'm sorry, Al.
We're all out,

and I was just too bored
to go to the store.

Now I'm too tired.
I'm going out.

Will you get me some juice?

No, I'm too busy.

Kelly...

Oh, get real, Dad.

Nobody drinks juice but you.

Dad, being
without a license,

does it make you feel
like less than a man?

No, son, that's
your mother's job.

Bud, there's this horse
that I want to bet on.

How about lending me
a couple of bucks, pal?

No juice, no license,
no horse...

And thou.

Hi, Al.

Saw you peddling in
from work.

You didn't study,
did you, Al?

By the way, you know your bike's
got a broken tail-light?

Get lost, Steve.

Right back at you.

Steve, wait a second!
I didn't recognize you.

Come on in.

What do you want?

Well, we're neighbors.

Can't two neighbors
just sit and talk?

What do you want
to talk about?

How would you like to increase
your money -fold?

Already did. I bet you wouldn't
pass your driving test.

That's a good one.

No.

I am the proud possessor
of some information

that I could be persuaded
to sell to you for...

twe... bucks.

Just what does

the twe... bucks
buy me, Al?

It's the biggest
insider tip of all time.

It's on the stock market.

Well... I'll give you .

Deal. I was only kidding.
It's really a horse.

Give me my money back, Al.

He's coming in
at to .

See, that's better
than a stock tip.

Stock price doubles,
you just make to .

This is to , Steve.
It's to .

His name is "Dr. Footwear."

Get it?
"Dr. Footwear," see?

I sell shoes.

Anyway,
he's guaranteed to win.

Nothing is guaranteed.

Wrong. As long
as I live in this world,

I'm guaranteed
to wallow in misery,

but this horse
is going to win.

All you have to do
is take me down there,

and we'll both
take limos home.

Well, what time
is the race?

: .
Pick me up at noon?

No can do. Marcie and I
are going to a baby shower.

What?

It's the boss'
daughter's baby.

So you can't take me
to the track?

Get lost.

Well, enough
male bonding.

I guess I'll...

drive over
to the gas station.

I don't really need gas.

I just like to drive around.

So, what are you
going to do, Al?

Pop a few wheelies
in the living room?

to , Steve!

Who needs you?
I'll get there myself.

to , that's $ .

The family can buy a lot
of nice stuff for $ ...

Then again, so can I.

All right, everybody!

Announcement, announcement.

Today at : ,

I have a horse running
at Arlington.

I will be there.

The only question before us is

which one of you dependents
is going to take me?

Well, Al, all I have to do
is go for a manicure.

They're having a special,
for the price of ,

but I should be back
in an hour.

Kelly?

Well, two guys
are fighting over me

down by the train
tracks today.

You know, it really
wouldn't look right

if I wasn't there,

but I'll be back
in plenty of time.

Good.

Now I'm going to say this slowly
so that you'll both understand.

It is very important
that we get to the track.

Promise me, promise me

that you will be
back in time.

Al, if it's
important to you,

we will both be here.

The horses are approaching
the starting gate.

Hi, Al. I knew you were home.
I saw your bike out front.

How come
you're not at the track?

For the same reason I'm not out
with sleazy blondes.

I'm married...
with children.

Gee, I wish I knew
you were stuck here.

We got out of
the baby shower early.

Her water broke
and we headed for the hills.

We were by the track,

so I figured, what the hell,
I put down $ on that horse.

That's the biggest bet
I ever made in my life.

At least we can listen
to it together.

Steve, I got to tell you,
I got warned off that bet.

Horse is going through
some tough personal problems,

getting married
or something like that,

so I'll tell you what.
I'm feeling guilty.

I'll buy $ of your bet
out of friendship.

Lick my shoe...
out of friendship.

And they're off!

Is that a "no," Steve?

It'sBailey Boy in the lead,
with Darling Kim second,

Mama's Problem third,
then Satin Lover,

B-Movie, Floridora,
and Prince Harris.

Bringing up the rear,
it's Dr. Footwear.

I'm last?

He's going to win.

He's last, Al.
I didn't bet on him.

Heading
into the first turn,

it's Darling Kim,
Bailey Boy, and Satin Lover.

Dr. Footwear is way behind.

He's way behind.

He's going to win.
No, he's not!

Steve, give me $
of your bet right now,

what do you say?

O--

And here comes Dr. Footwear
on the outside!

Lick my shoe, Al.

He's making a tremendous move!

Coming into
the clubhouse turn,

it's Darling Kim,
Satin Lover, and Dr. Footwear!

Come on,
Dr. Footwear!

Trip and die,
Dr. Footwear!

Now they're in
the home stretch!

Neck and neck,

it's Darling Kim
and Dr. Footwear!

At the finish line, it's...

Darling Kim by a nose!

Ah! Ha ha!
He did it! He did it!

You lost, and I didn't!
Ha ha ha!

Wait!

The steward's
inquiry light is on.

He won.

Forget it, Al.

They never
disqualify a horse.

No, they don't.
Give me bucks of the bet.

And they're taking down
number eight.

Darling Kim is disqualified!

And the winner,
paying , is...

Dr. Footwear!

$ , !

I just won
over two grand.

Al, I love you.

And you owe me $ .

I can't wait to tell Marcie.

We can invest
in mutual bonds.

Peg, you've got the greatest
husband in the world.

Why? What happened to Al?

Oh, hi, honey. I'm here.
Let's go to the track.

Peg, what time is it?

after : .

You know what time
the race was?

: , but nothing
ever starts on time.

Dad, you ready to go?

Family, sit down.

What I have to say
will be short and sweet.

You stink.

I left a knife fight
just to hear that?

No, this too.

Right now your daddy's
a little irritated

because you cost your daddy
frigging dollars,

but more important
than that--

not more important than that,
but as important--

you've shown me
how little you care.

So tomorrow, when I go
to get my license--

Who's taking you, Dad?

I'll crawl on my face.

And when I come home,

your daddy is not
going to give you anything.

Not a smile,
no money, no food.

I'm not going to lift a finger
to help any of you,

and I don't expect any of you
to lift a finger to help me.

From now on,

we have a new Bundy rule--

every man for himself.

Yeah, Mom, Al passed
his driving test.

And then the instructor
drove over his foot.

Yeah. Al's going to be stuck
around the house for a while.

Drive? With that foot?

Oh, you're so right, Mom.

This is not going
to be easy for me.

What's that ringing?

That's just Al
with his bell.

Daddy, you don't need
the car, do you?

What, Al?

Can you get me a beer?

Hold on, Mom.

I've got to get
something for Al.

What? The garden is blooming?

Tell me all about it.

Don't you know
I'm sitting here in pain?

Aaah! Geez!

Hold on a second, Mom.

I've got to
take this upstairs.

I can't hear a thing.

Al, hang this up
when I get upstairs.