02x17 - Lamont Goes African

[bunniefuu]

Fred, this reception's
really bad today.

Yeah. None of my
glasses seem to work.

I can't even see the
picture with these.

But I can see you
all right, bubba.

Look like you got
a 24-inch mouth.

Glasses won't do no good.

It's the set. You
got to adjust it.

I guess you're
right. I'll adjust it.

This tv is just
like my cousin t.j.

You had to beat him to
get him to go to work

Well, I give up.

I've asked lamont for a
long time to get me cable tv.

Cable tv would
clear that picture up.

Why won't he get it? 'Cause he's
a cheap son of... Hello, lamont.

We were just talking about you.

And I got a good idea of
what you were talking about.

- Cable tv. I don't want to discuss it.
- But, lamont...

No "buts." You want cable tv so you
can watch old frankenstein movies.

You ain't foolin' nobody. I'm tellin'
you, your days of leisure are over.

- I'm gonna turn over
a new leaf, and so are you.
- What does that mean?

It means we're gonna get some
ujima in this house startin' today.

- Some who?
- Some ujima.

You ever hear of ujima?
No, but I know big jima.

Yeah, she's a stripper over
at that topless place. Yeah!

Would you two listen to
me? Ujima is a swahili word,

And it means "collective
work and responsibility."

That means that you're responsible
for some of the work around here,

And you're gonna start living up
to your responsibilities as of now.

Well, how do you
say cable tv in swahili?

You get cable tv and I'll
ujima all over this place.

That's enough about cable tv.

I gotta go to work. Odabo.

What'd you say?

I said odabo. That's the
yoruba word for good-bye.

Well, what's yoruba?

You don't know nothin', do you?

The yorubas are blacks,

And there's over ten million of them
in the southwestern corner of nigeria.

Their ghetto is
almost as bad as ours.

It's a country, pop.

Why you speaking all
this yoruba and swahili?

You have enough
trouble with english.

Say, is this swahili
anything like pig latin?

It does sound a lot
like it, don't it, bubba?

Swahili is nothing
like pig latin.

Talkin' to you and bubba is
like talkin' to two children.

There's work to be done. Odabo.

Ood-gay i-bay, ummy-day.

♪ You'll miss my huggin' ♪

♪ You'll miss my kissin' ♪

♪ You'll miss me, honey ♪

♪ When I'm gone away ♪♪
wow!

[ Thumping sound ] lamont?

Lamont? That you, son?

[ Thumping ] lamont?

Must be hearing things.

Gettin' old.

There's the truck. Must
be somewhere around here.

Lamont! You upstairs?

Now, before you make any smart remarks,
maybe I'd better explain something to you.

You don't have to
explain nothin' to me.

But if you're walkin'
down the street and some

Guy's following you,
you better walk fast.

I knew you was gonna have
something smart to say about it.

I mean, what should I say if my
son comes home wearing a dress?

Next thing, you'll be
wearing panty hose.

Like on that commercial...
♪ Our l'eggs fit your legs ♪

♪ They hug you, they hold
you they never let you go ♪♪

This is not a dress.
This is a dashiki.

A dashiki is a traditional
african shirt for men.

To me it look like a
traditional dress for a woman.

That's because you've been conditioned
to judge everything by western standards.

I suppose there ain't no use
in me trying to enlighten you.

I don't need to be no lighter.

That enlightening stuff went out
with conkaleen hair straightener.

"If your hair is
short and nappy,

Conkaleen will make it happy."

You don't want to know nothing, so
I'm not gonna try to tell you nothing.

Listen. What'd you say the name
of this thing is? A duck-shaker?

A dashiki.

It looks like a
mattress cover to me.

- How much you pay for it?
- $13.

Thirteen bucks! You paid 13
bucks for a cotton blouse?

Pop, this is a genuine import.
It came all the way from africa.

I don't care if it came
from haile selassie's

Closet. It ain't
worth no 13 bucks.

I mean, what's the use? The whole
world would come to an end...

Before you'd even begin
to understand anything.

I can understand this.
This ain't worth no 13 bucks.

You paid 13 bucks for a cotton
blouse with no sleeves in it.

Listen, lamont... And don't call
me by that sl*ve name either.

What kind of name? sl*ve name.

The name of a sl*ve that was
handed down to him by a sl*ve master.

What are you talkin' about?

I'm talkin' about what
my name used to be.

Your name has always
been lamont sanford.

Ever since I can remember,
your name's lamont sanford.

You was named
after lamont lomax.

He pitched 46 scoreless,
no-hit, no-run innings in 1932.

And he wasn't pitching
for no sl*ve master.

He was pitchin' for
the homestead grays.

Look, now, i-i know that, pop.

But see, now I've taken a new
name to reflect the new me.

Now, remember I was telling you I
was gonna turn over a new leaf?

Well, my new name and my new
clothes and my new language...

Is all a part of
that. Oh, yeah? Hmm.

Well, you see, pop...
Now, I'm a black man, right?

You can say that again.

Come on, pop, this is serious.

Then I should have a name,
and a language and clothes...

That lets everybody
know that I'm a black man.

Listen. People would know you were a
black man if your name was spiro t. Agnew.

All they had to do
was just look at you.

Would you listen to me for a
minute? 'Cause this is really serious.

We shouldn't even have these names. Do you
know any white people with names like...

Lumumba, kasavubu or tachaka?

I don't even know no black
people with names like that.

That's just the point, pop.

Black people in america have been cut
off from their homeland for so long,

They don't even know the
names of their ancestors.

My ancestor's name was sanford.

My father's name was sanford,
his father's name was sanford,

His father's father and their
father... We all been sanfords.

And I've only been cut off of my
homeland a little over 30 years.

And I suppose that's when
your ancestors left africa, huh?

No, that's when
I left st. Louis.

I'm talking about
before that. Before that?

That was ancient history.
No need to bring that up.

What we called ourselves before we
called ourselves sanfords is the thing...

That's important to
black people because

That reflects where
we originally came from.

That's why I've chosen a name that
leaves no doubt about my origin.

Well, what's your
original new name?

Kalunda.

Ka-who? Kalunda.

If you think I'm gonna change
the sign from sanford and son...

To sanford and
kalunda, you crazy!

Well, you better get used to it 'cause
I ain't answering to lamont no more.

Listen, lamont...
Not lamont. Kalunda.

Ka-lun-da. Say it.

Calendar.

Hey, man, just say it
right. Come on. Kalunda.

Kalunda. That's it.

Kalunda. I just
need more practice.

"I'd like you to meet
my son, kalunda."

"Package for mr. Kalunda."

"Call for kalunda!"

That sounds italian. You
sure that's african? Yeah, it's...

It's congolese. You see,
I met this nigerian sister,

And she told me I look like a
member of the baluba tribe,

One of the largest
tribes in the congo.

Kalunda.

[ Deep voice ] kalunda.

Kalun-da! It just don't
sound right for a junk dealer.

With a name like kalunda, you should
be driving an elephant, not a truck.

Listen, you'll get
used to... [ Sniffing ]

What's that I smell?
It smells like sausage.

Yeah, that's your
favorite lunch...

Sausage sandwiches
and potato salad.

I'm not eatin' that. That's pig.

That's not pig. That's sausage.

Well, it came from a pig, and I'm not
eatin' it. Good. There'll be more for me.

You're not eating it either.
Yes, I am. Gimme them sausages.

Wait a minute, pop.
Now, it's a proven fact...

Th-that the human body was
not designed to digest pork.

It's full of fats and cholesterol
which leads to clogged arteries...

And heart att*cks
which could k*ll you.

If you eat them sausage,
it's the same as taking poison.

Well, I'm gonna make me a nice
poison sandwich. Gimme them sausages.

Wait a minute. Come
over here now.

From now on, pop, we gonna
start eatin' righteously.

Which means that no more pig
is to be brought into this house.

No more pork
chops? Bacon either.

Ham, spareribs, pork roast.

Pigs feet, pig ears, neck
bones... None of that stuff.

Strick-a-lean," fat
back, salt pork, lard.

- No more chitlins?
- No more chitlins either.

Listen, what are you... What are
you trying to do? Starve me to death?

Why you changin' the way you dressing,
gettin' that weird name and stuff,

And then put me on an
immediate crash diet?

That's how change is supposed
to come about, pop... Fast.

If I had to be
struck by lightning,

I'd rather be struck a little
bit at a time than all at once.

Just forget it 'cause
we not gonna eat that

Pork. I've got friends
coming this evening,

And I'm gonna drop you
at the supermarket so

We can get some decent
food in this house.

I made out a shopping list. I want
you to take this. Come on, let's go.

But, son, wait a minute.
What about them sausages?

That's pig and I want you
to get rid of it. Now, let's go.

Hey, pop, what are
you doing in there?

I'm gettin' rid of the pig.

And he won't even let
me eat no pork or nothin'.

You ought to see some of
the stuff he asked me to buy.

You know, like fruit
and sunflower seeds...

Stuff that you'd
feed to a hamster.

I wonder what got
into lamont anyway.

Well, he just say he wanted to
prove once and for all that he's black.

You mean, he's
been tryin' to pass?

No, bubba. He just wanted
to trace his ancestors...

Back to prehistoric times, like even
before there was a united states.

Well, I know where my
ancestors come from. Where?

Now it's called memphis,
tennessee. Oh, bubba.

Bubba, thanks for helping me
home with the groceries. Okay, fred.

Gimme that. Get the
door for me. Okay.

I'll see you later. All right.

Odabo. What?

Bye.

Hey, lamont. What is going on
here? You going trick-or-treatin'?

What is this?

A man's home is supposed
to reflect his culture.

Well, if you want to
reflect my culture,

Put up a picture of billy
eckstine and joe lewis.

Did you get all the groceries?
I didn't get everything.

I got the mangos and the fruit.

They didn't have no
coconuts and them almonds.

Listen, what these friends
of yours got, a pet monkey?

No.

Well, I got as much of the stuff as
I could. I don't know what there is.

I was gonna ask you to make a fresh fruit
salad, but I don't think we have time.

Did you get the sodas? Yeah.

What kind of friends do you got that
you goin' through all this trouble for?

Oyamo and olaiya.

Your mama and who?

Oyamo and olaiya.

Well, is that a man and
woman, or two men or...

Oyamo is the brother and olaiya is
the nigerian sister I told you about.

Now, you know oyamo.

I don't know. All the people
I know got ordinary names.

Like bubba, and
leroy and skillet.

You see, oyamo used
to be named rollo.

- You mean, we lost rollo?
- Now rollo is named oyamo.

And it's through him
that I met sister olaiya.

Well, if rollo's connected
with it, it's a racket.

Why are you saying that, pop?
He's serious about his africanism.

Well, if there's some money to be
made, rollo would become eskimo.

Now, listen. Oyamo and
olaiya will be here soon.

And I want you
to be nice to her.

In africa, it is a cardinal
sin to be inhospitable.

Well, if she's dumb
enough to be with rollo,

She's dumb enough
to be in the hospital.

Why don't you go upstairs and change while
I put the rest of these groceries away.

Change? Change for what?

So that you look
presentable. In africa, you

Would not receive
guests looking like that.

If I was in africa, I'd change.

This is central
avenue, so this is it.

[ Knocking at door ]

It's too late. They're here. Listen.
Try to remember what I said, pop.

And please don't embarrass
me. I ain't gonna embarrass you.

Just try to be cool. You
know, sit there... I... I'm all right.

Hey, you think you can
remember my african name?

Yeah, it's like a
cigar... Belinda.

- Kalunda.
- Close.

- Habari gani.
- Injema asanti, indugu
kalunda, habari gani?

Injema asanti. Injema asanti.

- Bye.
- Pop!

I'd like to introduce to you
my father, mr. Fred sanford.

How do you do,
mr. Sanford? I am olaiya.

Well, it's probably the water.

Shall we all sit down?

[ Yawns ] guess I'll go to bed.

- Would you sit down!
- I'm sleepy, lamont.

- I mean, kolumbo.
- [ Mouthing words ] sit down.

You have some very interesting
pieces here, mr. Sanford.

Yeah. I-i coordinated
all this stuff myself.

He brought that jungle
junk here this afternoon.

Uh, pop, why don't you offer
our guests some refreshments?

- Or do I have to remind you
of everything?
- Yeah. Got fruits and nuts.

I'd bring you some, but promise you
won't drop the shells on my good rug.

Thank you very much.

I got a mango too,
but it's overripe.

So I'll cut the rotten part
off and fix it up for you.

Excuse me. I'll go and help him.

Yeah.

[ Door slams shut ] [
lamont and fred arguing ]

Kalunda is very disrespectful
to his father, isn't he?

Is this the way he
speaks to him all the time?

Every time I come here.

He's very disrespectful.

Ladies first.

Asante. No, root beer.

Asante is swahili, and
it means "thank you."

Oh. Oure-ye elcome-way.

That's pig latin for
"you're welcome."

What is this... How
do you say, pig latin?

It's nothin'. It's
childish, dumb talk.

It is not childish, dumb talk.
I-it's sort of language with a code.

So if you want to talk about
somebody, and they don't know it,

You can say what you want to
'cause they don't understand it.

Oh. Then it is similar
in concept to swahili.

It also was, as you say, made up
of several african languages...

So that the many african nations on
the continent could speak to each other.

You know, I didn't know
we had that much in common.

A-and besides, you're
a beautiful lady.

- [ Afrikaans ]
- yeah. C'est si bon.

Pop, you said you wanted to go to
bed. I think now would be a good time...

For you to go to bed. I-i'm
not sleepy. I'm enjoying myself.

I wish I had met you 30 years
ago when I had, when I had hair.

Before I had this
hole in my natural.

I like you just as
you are, mr. Sanford.

Yeah, but 30 years ago I
had a head full of hair...

And I had it slicked
down like cab calloway.

You know, I had it fried,
dyed and laid to the side.

Uh, what are you bringing
all of this up for now?

Here we all are into a
discovery about africa,

And you're talking about slicking
down your hair to look like white people.

I ain't sayin' nothin'
about no white people.

I said cab calloway.
He ain't white.

Why don't you just go to bed?

'Cause I ain't sleepy.
Why don't you go to bed?

Then why don't you sit here, be quiet
and stop making a clown out of yourself?

You might learn something.
Oyamo, I think we should be leaving.

You don't have to
leave on account of my

Father's behavior. He
always acts like this.

It is not your father's
behavior, brother kalunda.

- It is your behavior.
- Me? What did I do?

The way you talk to
your father is deplorable.

No, it... It is inexcusable.

In my country, such behavior is
unheard of. You would be beaten.

I wish I had you in
nigeria. I'd knock you out.

Brother kalunda,

It is not your place to
chastise your father.

You must respect your father
for he is full of years and wisdom.

You must not forget who is
the parent and who is the child.

Listen to her, dummy.
Go ahead, honey.

Therefore, it is your duty...

To make his life
pleasant, not unpleasant.

A child should strive to make his
parents' winter years like spring.

A-and this child made my
winter years one long blizzard.

As he provided for you
when you were a child...

And could not
provide for yourself,

So must you provide for him now.

And y-you're not only
beautiful, you smart.

Brother kalunda,

You have far to go along this
path you have chosen for yourself...

Before you reach
your destination.

Do not mistake
dashikis and sculpture...

And a hairstyle for
africa, because they aren't.

Nor can you expect merely
to put on that cloth...

And become such a man
as your ancestors were.

The clothes you
can put on and off.

It is the heart you
must change. The heart.

Good evening.

Good evening, mr. Sanford.

I enjoyed meeting you. You are
a man of joy and great depth.

A-and you're a
beautiful lady. Odabo.

Hey, i-if I was ten
years younger,

I'd give you a run
for your money.

You be nice to her, hear?

Have no fear, pops. Odabo, jack!

Diablo.

Ah, she's nice. You know,

There's more to this african
thing than I thought there was.

I'd go along with
you on it, kalunda.

I mean, you know,
you can depend on me.

Say, did you hear me?
I called you kalunda.

Hey, kalunda.

The name is lamont.

You mean, I don't have to
call you kalunda no more?

Hey, man. You can call me
what you always call me.

Oh, then, that'd be easy.

Dummy.

Hey, pop, you got
my breakfast ready?

Oh.

What are you wearing that for?

Well, I knew you wasn't gonna wear
it no more, so I thought I'd slip it on.

Make me feel real african.
I look chic in my dashiki.

Listen, pop, if you gonna make
fun of that, then don't wear it.

I'm not makin' fun.
Didn't I tell you that...

There's a whole lot to this african
stuff that I didn't realize before.

And I like that part
where you must not

Forget who is the parent
and who is the child.

Yeah, I kind of
figured you would.

And how it's your duty to make
my life pleasant, not unpleasant.

You can make my life
pleasant with just two words...

Cable television.

Are you back on that again? Because
I have already explained to you...

That I'm not gettin' no cable
tv... Hold it, hold it, hold it.

It's not your place to
chastise your father.

You must respect him because
he has years and wisdom.

Now, about that
cable television.

You can just forget about cable tv.
Anyway, what are we having for breakfast?

Whatever we having is somethin'
that we gonna have from now on.

Sausages. If you're really
serious about your africanism,

You wouldn't be
eatin' them sausages.

You don't have to be a fanatic.

[ Man ] sanford and son is recorded
on tape before a live studio audience.