02x04 - Jealousy

[bunniefuu]

[ Snoring ]

[ Horn honking ]

Hey, pop, I'm home!

Oh. Hello, son. I didn't
hear the truck pull in.

You was just going at
it, huh? Yeah. All day long.

Yeah.

No wonder they say a
woman's work is never done.

And you're like the woman
of the house. That's me.

You're also the liar
of the house. What?

I wonder why that
sofa's so warm.

You haven't, by any chance, been
sleeping on the sofa again, have you, pop?

Who, me, sleeping?
No, I've been working.

I've been cleaning and
vacuuming and coordinating.

I've been coordinating
my... Off. Pop.

Then how come
that sofa's so warm?

I guess the cat
was sitting on it.

We don't have a cat.

The one from next door.

He usually come over
and keep me company

Because it get awful
lonesome here sometimes.

Wonder if he's still here.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Why don't you stop?

Okay, so I laid down
for a few minutes.

Will you just stop
picking on me all the time?

I'm just trying to figure out
what it is you do around here.

I know what I did
today. What did you do?

Anything. Name it.

And no lying? No lying.

If you tell the truth,
I'll give you five dollars.

Now, that's a deal. Did
you clean up the yard?

No. Give me five bucks.

Why? You said...

You said you'd pay five
bucks for the truth.

You think you're slick. I don't have
time to talk 'cause I got things to do.

What do you mean
you got things to do?

That's right. You got things
to do. Like what kind of things?

I got some people
coming over here tonight.

What do you have?

Clam dip. What do
you do with this?

What do you think you
do with it? Dip clams in it.

No, you dip these
corn chips in it.

Why don't they call it "corn chip
dip" instead of "clam dip," dummy?

What's all this
stuff for anyway?

I got some people coming
over to play poker tonight.

Oh, yeah? Poker, is that what
you're gonna play? Play poker?

Well, not in my house.
Are you serious?

Yes, I'm serious. You know
what your mother called cards?

Fifty-two devils
in satan's army.

Oh, come on.

That's right. You don't believe
me? Let me show you something.

What are you doing? I gotta get
this thing... Just come in here with me.

I've gotta get the clam
dip and stuff. Come with me.

I wanna fix the clam
dip. Just wait a minute.

Now, what is this?
It's a deck of cards.

Deck of cards. Had 'em 25
years and never opened 'em.

Know why? Your mother made
me swear on this unopened deck...

I wouldn't play cards no more.

"Don't play cards,"
she said. Then she died.

I thought you told me mom's last
words were, "take care of lamont."

Well, she said that
too. Well, which was it?

Well, she said both of 'em.

Do you really wanna know your
mother's last words? Yeah. What was it?

Here what she said. See,
she was in the hospital bed...

And the doctor was
taking me to her bedside,

And he whispered to me.

He said, "the end is
near, mr. Sanford."

And I looked down at
your mother, and she said,

"Fred, if you or lamont
ever get sick again,

Don't use this doctor."

And... And then she died.

- That must have been
terrible, pop.
- It was terrible.

I had to walk out the
room with that doctor.

Your mother was a fine woman,
but she just hated gambling.

The only reason that mom hated gambling was
because you were a lousy cardplayer, pop.

- You were always losing.
- Listen. Don't say that to me.

Didn't you always get
everything you needed?

You was the first kid in the
neighborhood who had a gold tooth.

I was also the first
kid to get ringworm.

Well, it cleared up with
that glover's mange, didn't it?

You had plenty to eat
and a roof over your head.

I also had a stocking
cap over my head.

Listen. Who's
coming here anyhow?

Just some guys I know. One of
them is arthur matthews's son.

Arthur matthews's
son? That's right.

The arthur matthews?
Ugly arthur matthews's son?

That's right. His son
skeeter. Skeeter matthews?

He been in jail. So
what? Who hasn't?

Well, I haven't.
And you haven't.

Why are you gonna fool
around with them jailbirds for?

Who else is coming? Well, just some
guys I met down at the poolroom, pop.

There's, uh, rooster
and hucklebuck.

Rooster and hucklebuck.

Now, I know what a rooster does,
but what does a hucklebuck do?

Hucklebuck is in used
cars, pop. He buys and sells.

You sure he doesn't
steal and repaint?

- You asked me, so I told you.
- So, you're gonna
play poker...

With a jailbird, a car
thief and a rooster.

Good luck.

I've played poker
before. I know the game.

- You ever play
with them?
- Yeah. Once.

- How much did you win?
- How did you know I won?

It's the oldest
trick in the business.

They set a sucker up,
let him win a few games,

And then they set
him back up again,

Then, boom, next time they
break him, take everything he got.

Don't worry about it, pop,
okay? They're not gonna take me.

I've played these guys
before and I can play 'em again.

You don't have to worry about it.
Anyway, I don't wanna talk about it...

Because... Those guys are
gonna be here any minute.

Now, I want you to help me
straighten this place up, okay?

Straighten the place
up. Take that out.

Listen. Let me tell you.

You know that old saying: a fool
and his money are soon parted.

Well, it won't be
long now, fool.

If you don't like the idea of
me playing poker here tonight,

You don't have to stay
down here and watch it.

- You can go on upstairs
and go to bed.
- I'm gonna stay and watch.

And every time I see 'em do something
fishy, I'm gonna give you a signal.

That's what I'm gonna
do. Give you a signal.

Here. Now, all you gotta
do is watch me with this.

I'm warning you now, pop, you better
not do nothing tonight to embarrass me.

Okay, I ain't gonna say
another word. Good.

I'm gonna stay
out of it. Perfect.

I'm gonna keep quiet. Thank you.

You're gonna lose your shirt.

I thought you said you wasn't
gonna say nothing else. [ Knocking ]

Now, there's the guys.
Remember what I told you, pop.

You go let 'em in, and I'm gonna
go upstairs and get my money.

Rooster and
hucklebuck and skeeter.

What a bunch of crooks.

Hey, old man, how you doing?

Hey, man, what's going on?

This is some place you got here.

They got as much stuff in
here as they got outdoors.

You must be rooster.

Uh, no. I'm hucklebuck.

Oh. Then you gotta be rooster...

'Cause I bet all my
money I know who you are.

You skeeter matthews. You
look just like your father,

Ugly... I mean, arthur matthews.

You're a card, pop. You
must be papa sanford.

No, I'm mama cass.

He something else, ain't he?

Hey! Hey! Lamont, how you doing?

Shall we get to the game? Yeah!

Ain't nothing like friends getting together
for a nice, friendly game of poker.

You're gonna try to do
it to us again, huh, louis?

It's lamont.

Uh, yeah. Right.

Here. We'll play with these. I just
picked them up at the drugstore.

- You don't mind playing
with my cards, do you?
- No, I don't mind.

What's the matter with you?
There's bugs around here.

There's no bugs in here. Would
you get away from the table?

There's bugs in the house.

Well, brother, you gonna give us a chance
to win back that 15 bucks you won from us?

Hey, that's possible.
Hey, I got a great idea.

Why don't we make
it very interesting?

Let's raise the stakes
from last time. Oh, no.

No, no, no. Keep it down.

You start raising the stakes,
you take the fun out of it.

When you take the fun
out of it, that's when

You start losing
friends. Right, lester?

It's lamont.

- Yeah. Right.
- Let's raise 'em
just a little bit.

Yeah, man, get a little
excitement in the game.

- No, no. I'm against it.
- Yeah, me too.

Hey, what's the matter? You're
scared you're gonna lose a few bucks?

No, that ain't it. This man invited
us in his house. We're guests.

- Yeah, that's right. Y'all
ain't nothing but guests.
- Well, let's ask him.

You don't wanna keep it down
to a penny ante game, do ya?

- That does seem
kind of small.
- Not to me.

Okay. Well, look, partner.

I mean, it's up to you.

You wanna raise the
stakes, we'll raise 'em.

You tell us. You're the host.

Okay, we'll raise 'em.
Yeah, that sounds good.

What are you hitting me for?

What's going on? There's
a bug or something.

I must have missed him. Oh, man.

Then it's two bits to
open and table stakes.

- Right.
- First ace deals.

Hey, it's my deal, huh?

What are you doing, pop?

What you got?

Aces, full of nines.

I'm gone. Four deuces.

Aw, that's a shame.
Four threes. You lose.

Stick with it though,
leonard. You'll win a hand soon.

- It's lamont.
- Yeah. Right.

You're really not
doing too good, lamont.

You must be lucky in love.
Oh, yeah. He got a lot of girls.

All over town. Call him sweet
lips lamont, the dummy don juan.

Go back in the kitchen. You're not
exactly bringing me any luck out here.

Oh, you think I'm jinxing you? Did
you win anything while I was out?

No. Well, play, dummy.

Say, pop, would
you do me a favor?

Would you just get away from
me? Go do something, all right?

Yeah, I'll fix me a nightcap.

[ Hucklebuck ] ante up,
rooster. All right, I'm in.

♪♪ [ Blues ]

Hey! Gettin' it on.

Look at him. Doing one of
those old-timer's dances.

[ Lamont ] would you
turn that thing off?

What's the matter with you?
What's the matter with you? ♪♪ [ Off ]

What are you trying to do,
pop, blast us out of here?

I can't play cards. I
can't even watch you play.

I can't play the radio. I
can't dance. What can I do?

Why don't you go
upstairs and go to bed?

I ain't sleepy.

Go upstairs, go to bed. I know
what I'll do. I'll fix something to drink.

Yeah, how about
a scotch? Scotch?

That sounds good to me. Me too.

Coming up. Three
scotches. Coming up.

All righty, uh, this gonna
cost you a dollar there, huck.

I'll raise you two.

Another two.

All right, I'll stay.

I call.

Well, bottom's up.

Say, pop, what's
the matter with you?

He can't drink all of that. Would
you please get it off the table?

♪ It's a quarter
to three threes ♪

♪ No one in the place ♪

♪ Has got less than these ♪

♪ So throw 'em in, joe ♪

♪ This little story can
save you some dough ♪

♪ So throw 'em in, joe ♪

♪ Throw them in, joe ♪♪

Say, pop, would you stop it?

Go out in the kitchen and
get yourself some applejack...

And take it upstairs
and go to bed, all right?

We're trying to play here. I
told you I wasn't sleepy. Bye.

I'm sorry, fellas, but you know
how it is when they get to be that age.

They start acting weird.

He's like my old man.
Just about the same age.

You ought to do what I did. I got
him a television set for his bedroom.

I haven't seen him since 1968.

That's not such a bad idea.

What's going on with the
lights in here? Hey, pop!

Excuse me. How are we
gonna play cards in the dark?

We're gonna play.

[ Clattering ]

Lights went out, didn't it?

Yeah, and I think
I know who did it.

- Who?
- You.

- Who, me?
- No, the main switch just
fell down all by itself.

Well, I'll have to call the light company
and have them fix it in the morning.

[ Rooster ] hey, man, the lights are
back on. Come on and play, huh?

I know what you're trying to do.
You're trying to break up this card game.

Let's get the game on,
huh? All right, here I come.

Would you just leave us alone?
Quit bothering us. Well, listen, lamont.

They're gonna take you
for everything you've got.

I'm telling you, they cheatin'.

Would you leave us alone,
pop? Please leave us alone.

And stay here in the kitchen.
That's right. Stay here in the kitchen.

Don't come through this
kitchen door. You got that?

I'm sorry, fellas.
It was a fuse.

I put a penny in. It's all
right now. It's all right.

So where were we? Um,
how many cards you want?

Okay. Give me one.

It's gonna cost you six bucks.

All right. Rooster.
Give me three, skeeter.

Three. Okay. You? Two.

All right.

I'll play with these.

[ Knocking ]

I don't know who that
could be. Excuse me, fellas.

We're gonna play this game. I don't
know what's going on. It's all right.

What are you doing out here? Well, you told
me don't come through the kitchen door.

Let me see that hand.

Listen, lamont. This
is a sucker's hand.

Don't play this hand. Don't
play no hand they deal you.

I'm telling you, they cheatin'.
You already told me that, pop.

Would you just leave us
alone so we could play?

- Go take a walk or something.
- Okay, dummy. Before this game,
you was just a plain dummy.

But after tonight,
you'll be a broke dummy.

Thank you and good night.

Hey, fellas, I'm
sorry. That's all right.

Let's get to the game. All right,
it's 16 bucks if you wanna stay.

He raised it eight.
Okay. Sixteen doll...

[ Tapping ]

Again, man? What is it?
Excuse me. We're playing.

Didn't I tell you... [ Tapping ]

Hey, I'm sorry, man. We
understand. We understand.

It's all right. Sixteen
bucks if you wanna stay.

Sixteen bucks. Mm-hmm.

[ Phone rings ]

Excuse me, men. We'll get
this game. Don't worry about it.

Hello. [ Fred ] lamont,
listen. Don't play that hand.

Sorry about that.
Hey, that's okay.

[ Phone rings ]

We'll play. We'll play.

[ Fred ] dummy.

Sorry, men. Sure. Sure.

Listen. Are you guys hungry? There's
some food over there on the sideboard.

No, no, no. Let's just play on
out this hand. Let's play this game.

Now, it was up to
me, right? Right.

How much do I have to
put up? Sixteen dollars.

Sixteen dollars. Right. Okay.

[ Fred ] lamont! Lamont!

Say, how did you get upstairs?

You know how easy it is climbing
through that second-floor window?

We gotta get that fixed. Any burglar
could climb right in like I did. Pop...

Leave him alone. Let's play. Man, put
your money where your mouth is, huh?

Stay away from the table, pop.

Don't come near
this table. All right.

You're gonna put
up 16 bucks to see me?

Don't do it.

Huh? Sixteen bucks if you wanna
see me. Don't do it. Don't do it.

I'll call you. All right.

Full house. I got a flush.

Straight flush. Flush is right.

Your money going
right down the toilet.

Well, that's it for
me. That cleans me out.

That's a good balance, ain't it? Nothing
in your pocket and nothing in your head.

That's about it then, huh?
Yeah, we might as well split.

Too bad.

Say, wait a minute, fellas.

Why don't you wait around and
have a beer? Would you have a beer?

No, it's getting kind of late.

Oh, you can take
time out for a beer.

You just don't wanna
win and run, do you?

- All right,
we'll have a beer.
- That's good.

Hey, lamont, go down to the
store and get a couple of six-packs.

Sure. What am I supposed to
use for money? Here. Take this.

And take the truck too, in case you
have to try to find a store that's open.

Say-say, fellas, you think you
got time for a few more hands?

Play? With you? You?

Lamont won't let me play, so maybe we
can get a few hands in before he gets back.

No, no. I think the stakes are a
little too high for you, papa sanford.

Oh, I got money
now. Wait a minute.

Look here. I got money.

Safe. Door.

Combination. Open.

Shoe box.

Top.

Mason jar.

Sock.

[ Sniffs ] woolite.

Mint government. Is that enough?

Maybe we do have time for a few
quick ones there. Your money's good.

I hope you fellas don't
mind playing with a new deck.

See, I got an unopened
deck I had for over 25 years.

My wife made me
swear I wouldn't play.

So I figure since this is the first
time I've played since she passed...

That it'd be good to
play with that deck.

You mean you haven't played
cards for over 25 years?

Right.

And please forgive a old man.

I'll get my glasses
'cause I don't see too well,

And I don't wanna
make no mistakes.

Yeah, right here.
Still unopened.

Say, wait a minute. Uh, I hope
you'll be patient with a old fellow,

But how do you say
you play this game again?

[ Engine starts ]

Hey, fellas, where you
going? I got the beer.

Hey, you're not leaving,
are you? See you later, lucas!

It's lamont!

Say, pop, what happened
to the fellas? I thought...

Come on over here, son.
Try on some of this stuff.

I'm sure some
of it will fit you.

What happened? Were you playing
cards with those guys? That's right.

But that's impossible,
pop. I wasn't gone

Long enough for you
to win all of this stuff.

Oh, well, you was gone
long enough for me.

It didn't... Let me see
how long you was gone.

Yeah, you were gone long
enough for me to beat them crooks.

You know that skeeter matthews?
He was dealing off the bottom.

Three-finger drag
with the thumb on top.

Oldest trick in the business.

Well, if they were
cheating, how did you win?

I had my own deck, son.

Look here. Let me show you.

Now, what you see? It's
three cards faced down.

Okay. Now look through these.

Eight of hearts,

Six of clubs, three of diamonds.

Hey, pop, you're
slick, you know that?

You really did it to 'em.

Well, they did it
to you, didn't they?

I always believe by going by
what it say in the bible. What?

Deal unto others as
they have dealt unto thee.

Now, you got a
whole lot of money.

[ Continues, indistinct ]

Hey, pop, can you let
me have ten dollars?

Where you going all dressed up?

Hey, I got a date. I called
up sheila. I'm going out.

Are you kidding?
This time of night? Yep.

Ain't no way no girl gonna
give you no date this late.

Are you serious? I
already called her.

I called her up
and she said okay.

The only thing she's waiting for is for
me to call her and tell her I'm on my way.

Hey, hey.

Hello, sheila.
Hey, this is lamont.

Yeah, I know I'm late, but I had to change
my clothes and do my mustache, didn't i?

I'll be there in 15 minutes.

Well, how about ten?

Five. Well, how about if I
meet you at the... Hello?

Hello?

Well, mustache,

First ace deals.

[ Man ] sanford and son is recorded
on tape before a live studio audience.