Transcripts - Forever Dreaming

[♪]

More coffee, sweetheart?

No, thanks. I'll just
finish this and get going.

Sam, how come you haven't
said a word about my tie?

I was looking for just
the right word.

You don't like it.
I didn't say that.

You do like it?

I didn't say that either.

Well, I like it. You gotta keep
up with the times, you know.

Oh, did you finish
the jingle

for Colonel Bringham's
Succulent Spareribs?

Yeah. I got two pretty good
ones here, if I say so myself.

I just can't make up
my mind.

ENDORA:
What mind?

Well, well, well.

If it isn't the author of:

How to Be a Shrewish
Mother-In-Law.

Darrin.
This is a perfect illustration

of why Durwood
remains on his treadmill.

A man who can't make up his mind
never will succeed.

Endora, that criticism
is unfair, unworthy and--

Uninvited.

And to show you
how wrong you are,

I have just made up my mind
to take my leave.

What this house needs
is a keeper.

[♪]

Mother. Oh, Mother.

You are so exasperatingly
unfair to Darrin.

And once, just once,
when you come to visit,

I wish you'd leave
your fangs at home.

[♪]

I'll have Adam
dressed in a minute.

You can play with him, okay?

I'd be delighted.

When, oh, when will you ever
learn that mother knows best?

And what mother knows best

is how to prove she's right.

Indecision now
Will be your fate

In matters small
And matters great

A plague of ifs
And ands and buts

Will now descend
And drive you nuts

Hi, dumbo.

Are you out of your tree?

What are you doing there?
Get off.

Unless you'd rather stay.

On second thought, get off.

Personally, I think I make
a rather dashing hood ornament.

But how would you know?

Oh, Mr. Stephens!
Mr. Stephens!

I have something
to discuss with you.

Can you spare a minute?

Of course.

But not really.

Well, which?

Well, actually, I should
be getting to the office,

but on the other hand...

What is it you want
to tell me, Mrs. Kravitz?

Well, it's about the trash cans
in the neighborhood.

Have you noticed how terrible
they look on trash day?

I'm trying to get everybody
to replace or paint them.

Hey-- Wow, look at the time.
I've got to rush.

Oh-oh, but--
But I still don't know

whether you're
for or against it.

Can't you just
spare another minute?

Of course. Take your time.

I'm in no hurry whatsoever.

You know, Mr. Stephens,

someday your sarcasm
is gonna get you in trouble.

[♪]

[NARRATOR READS
ON-SCREEN TEXT]

[♪]

[♪]

Mother? Mother? Hm.

[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, dear.

Sweetheart, will you take him
outside on the patio and play

Okay.
while I answer this? Scoot.

Come on, Adam. I'll show you
how to skip rope.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Kravitz.
Well, what can I do for you?

Ask not what you
can do for me.

Ask what you can do
for your neighborhood.

Okay. What can I do
for my neighborhood?

It's about cleaning up the trash
cans in the neighborhood.

Well, that's a good idea.

Well, I discussed this with
your husband as he was leaving,

but I just couldn't
get anywhere with him.

Didn't Darrin agree?

Well, I--
I really couldn't tell.

He acted so strange,

like he was--

Uh, I don't know, in a daze,

the way he kept
changing his mind and--

Changing his mind?

Maybe he ought to see
a doctor or something.

"Or something" is probably
a better suggestion.

Uh, Mrs. Kravitz,
will you excuse me?

I have an urgent matter
I have to take care of.

Well, what if we paint
the trash cans the same color?

Well, that's fine with me.

Well, would you prefer
yellow or--?

[♪]

Mother, I-I'm not accusing.
I-I'm just asking.

Did you put a hex
on Darrin this morning?

Ooh!

"Hex, no."

Mother, that pun
is not only sick,

it is beyond help.

[ADAM CRYING]

Tabitha, behave yourself.

TABITHA:
Come on, Adam.

Give me back my jump rope.
Adam, will--?

Will you give Tabitha back
her jump rope?

Oh, Mother, I'll--
I'll take care of you later.

[♪]

Darrin, I love these
jingles you did

for Colonel Bringham's
Spareribs.

Which one do you think
we ought to pitch?

Well, the one I really like
is the "Pop Goes the Weasel."

But the other is very
effective too, because--

I-I really can't
make up my mind.

Colonel Bringham's going
to be here in half an hour,

so let's come to a decision.

Of-- Of course,
till we actually meet him,

we'll have to do
some blind flying,

but personally, I like

"The Little Piggy
Goes to Market."

It's appropriate for the product
and it's nice and safe.

Don't you agree?
Absolutely.

Good.
But not necessarily.

What?

Well, I mean,

I think
it's a good approach,

but on the other hand, is it?

What do you mean?

Maybe it's a bad approach.

Darrin, don't fall apart

just when we're about
to close in on this account.

You know, your trouble
is you worry too much.

New tie, huh?

Right.

It's a little overboard,
isn't it?

It's okay with me.

Yes, but is it appropriate
to wear

when you're about to meet
a conservative gentleman

of the old South?

A thing like this
can be very damaging.

He might not say anything,
but he'll make a mental note:

"This man is not to be trusted."

Because of your tie?
That's ridiculous.

You're right.
That's ridiculous.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Excuse me.

Where are you going?

Out to buy another tie.

[♪]

Oh, hi-- Hi, Betty.
May I speak to him, please?

Oh, hi, Miss Stephens.
He went out to buy a tie.

He did? Well, that's funny.

He was wearing
a brand-new tie when he left.

Yeah, I know.
I don't know what got into him.

I'm afraid I do.

Pardon?

Oh, uh, no-- Nothing.

Uh, maybe I'll just come
upstairs and wait for him.

Oh, are you in the building?

Uh, no.
But I'm not far away.

Thanks, Betty. Bye-bye.

Aunt Hagatha?

Aunt Hagatha?

[YAWNING]

Samantha. Oh, I wish
you wouldn't do that.

I was getting 40 winks
and I was only up to 35.

Oh, well, I-I'm terribly sorry,
Aunt Hagatha,

but it's an emergency.

Mother's been interfering again,
so she's hiding out.

Now, I have to pop down
to Darrin's office

and check on something.

Adam's taking his nap.
Tabitha's playing in her room.

And I owe you five winks.

Ooh...

[♪]

[MAGIC CHIMES]

Good afternoon.

This account man of yours
better be pretty good.

I'm not used to waiting around
for people that work for me.

Neither am I.

I can't get over the fact
that you are not from the South.

I wish you'd try
and get over it.

Everybody makes
the same mistake.

Frankly, it doesn't amuse me.

I suppose it's the combination
of "colonel" and "spareribs."

All those Kentucky colonels,
you know.

I'm a colonel.
U.S. Army, retired.

Oh?

I find that fascinating.

I find it a bore.

So is waiting around
for this genius of yours.

I'm sure something
must have happened to him.

And for his sake,
I hope so.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

I don't really understand it.

It's not like Darrin
to be late for a meeting.

Yeah, I know.

The colonel's here
and Mr. Tate is livid.

[DOOR OPENS]

Sam, what are you doing here?

Sweetheart, I have to talk
to you about something.

Mr. Stephens,
the colonel is here

and Mr. Tate
is pretty upset.

Oh, has he been
asking for me?

Not asking. Yelling.

You're to get your material
and go right in.

Okay. Come on, Sam.

Is something wrong?
Yes, with you.

I think Mother might have--

I thought you went shopping
for a new tie.

I did.

But the salesman confused me

by showing me every tie he had,
so I finally gave up.

What was wrong with the one
you were wearing?

I thought it might
be a little too daring

for a conservative man
like the colonel.

That doesn't make any sense.

Oh, yes, it does.

But not too much.
But on the other hand,

you can't overlook anything

when you're dealing
with a client,

no matter how foolish
it seems.

And it seems this
was pretty foolish,

so why did I do it?

Oh...

Oh-- Oh, Darrin, I was right.
You are not well.

Darrin, would you please
get your--?

Oh, hi, Sam.
Would you care to join us?

No.
What?

I mean, yes. And no.

What-- What he means is we we're
in the middle of a discussion.

So were the colonel and I,

and it was about whether

you're going to be working
here tomorrow.

Excuse us.

[♪]

[DOOR SHUTS]

All right, Mother.

I have had it with
your interference.

If the New York Jets had it,

they could probably
win the championship.

"Enjoyed your pun.

"I'm trifling with
the maharajah of Janipur

and haven't time
to trifle with you."

Oh...

"P.S. Notify the Jets

I won't be available
until 5:00 this afternoon."

Ah!

Good grief, Mother,
you're driving me crazy.

[♪]

South Philadelphia?

It seems everyone makes
the same mistake, Darrin,

so let's not bore the colonel.
Just go on.

Uh, right.

Uh, this is the layout
for the campaign.

And the jingle is based on
"Pop Goes the Weasel."

Now, naturally,
I'm not a singer,

but I'll do my best.

Uh, not that I can't sing.
I can. But not very well.

Darrin, get on with it.

[CLEARS THROAT]

♪ For succulent ribs
That beat the best ♪

♪ You've got to try
Colonel Bringham ♪

♪ They're best by taste
And best by test ♪

♪ Oh, how you'll dig 'em ♪

♪ So stop by the colonel's
For a bucket of ribs ♪

♪ Give a day off to mommy ♪

♪ You'll love them
And we never tell fibs ♪

♪ "Yum," goes your tummy ♪

"'Yum,' goes your tummy"?

Of course,
that line can be changed.

Or any of the lines.
Or even the melody.

No. Why? It's catchy.

Exactly. Darrin,
don't change a thing.

Naturally, with an orchestra,
it'll be even more effective.

Right, Darrin?
Right.

At least I hope so.

You, uh, seem to have
some reservations.

No, no, no. I was just thinking
about the other idea I had.

In some ways,
it was even cuter.

It's based on, uh,

"This Little Piggy
Went to Market."

The game you play
with a baby's toes.

Hm.

Toes, spareribs?
Bad image, forget it.

Would you let him go on?

Do you really like this idea?

How do I know?
I haven't heard it yet.

Well, now, Larry's right.

Uh, I think we should go with,
"'Yum,' goes your tummy."

I don't.

But I thought you said
you liked it.

I did, but if he's got
any doubts about it,

that's enough
to k*ll it for me.

Well, then let me finish
telling you about

"This Little Piggy
Goes to Market."

No, no, no. I'm sorry.
I can't wait around here

When you make up your mind
what you're sold on,

then you can sell me.

Colonel, would you
wait just a moment, please?

I want to make arrangements

to pick you up
for dinner tonight.

Be right back.

[♪]

Congratulations.

That was one of the most
beautiful pieces of sabotage

I've ever witnessed.

Oh, yeah? Well, let me
tell you something--

I really made a mess of it,
didn't I?

Darrin, you're not well.

Uh, Larry, if you don't mind,
I'd better go right home.

Mind? That's the best idea
you've had today.

Or should I stay?

Let me help you.

Go home. That's an order.

Uh, yes, sir.
On the other hand--

Darrin, I'll try
to talk the colonel

into coming over a little
earlier tonight.

So you better come up
with something

to replace the idea
you just shot down.

I'll do my best.

I just saw your best.
You'll have to do better.

Sam.

I had a feeling
you'd be home early.

I would have been home
a lot earlier,

but I couldn't decide

whether to take the tunnel
or the bridge.

And I finally decided
on the bridge,

then I couldn't decide
which bridge.

I've been driving around
for hours.

On top of everything else,

Larry is bringing
the client over early.

Sam, do something!


I-I've been trying to reach
Mother all afternoon.

Now, please, just calm down.

I'm calm, I'm calm.

For a man who's upset,
I am very calm.

I'm also very upset.

Mother.

Mother?

I-- I-- I'm gonna
count to three

and I want you to show up
at once, or else.

One, two, three.

Four? Five.

Or else what?

Mother, I want you to take
that spell off Darrin

and don't deny that
you put one on him.

Who's denying?

Endora, no offense,

but the more I see you,
the more I like you less.

But on the other hand,
you do have a warm spot for me.

Right?

That's true.

And I wish you'd
go there right now.

I'd be delighted.

Mother,

don've

until you have taken
that spell off Darrin.

Samantha,
are you ordering me?

No. I'm just suggesting...

very strongly.

Very well.
I guess I've had my fun.

Spell's off. There you are.
No harm done.

No harm done? How would you
like a necklace of fingers?

Oh, careful, sweetheart.

Don't stop him,
Samantha.

When he's angry
and his eyes flash like that,

it transforms him from a dull
clod into an angry dull clod.

Same to you, fella.

What was that?

Mother, what do you expect
him to do, lie down like a lamb?

Especially when
you're so wrong about him.

He is not indecisive.

He has no trouble
making up his mind.

And when he does,
he rarely changes it.

You mean he's pigheaded.

I didn't say that.

Well, I did.

Oh!

Oh-- Oh, Mother,
that's-- That's--

A definite improvement.

[SQUEALING]

Uh, you're right,
sweetheart.

That is absolutely
the lowest thing

Mother has ever done.

No, it isn't. This is.

Where is he?

Outside, where the entire world
can see how pigheaded he is.

Outside? You didn't do
anything outrageous

like put him
on the front lawn?

What kind of a fool
do you take me for?

I put him on the roof.

[CACKLES]

Oh, my stars.

[LAUGHING]

[SQUEALING]

Ooh!

Darrin, don't you call
my mother names like that.

It might make matters worse.

[SQUEALING]

That's true.
How could they be?

I'll get you down in a moment,
sweetheart.

Oh, my stars.

[CHUCKLING]

Stephens is one of those
erratic geniuses.

They're peculiar,
but the end product is--

What's the matter?

Hi, Larry.

Sam, what's--?
What's that?

It's Darrin.

Uh, you must
be Colonel Bringham.

Uh, how do you do?
I-- I'm Samantha Stephens.

You are?
I mean, how do you do?

I-I suppose you're wondering
what that is all about.

Wondering isn't quite
the word.

Well, it's Darrin's idea
for a revolving sign

to go over all your restaurants,
colonel.

All-- All right, sweetheart.
Revolve.

[SQUEALING]

Well, uh, actually, that--

That is just part
of the whole campaign

that Darrin has devised for you,
colonel.

Uh, the pig's head will be seen
on all of your TV commercials,

uh, your menus, et cetera.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Uh, that's enough, sweetheart.

I think they've got the idea.
You can come down now.

Shall we go inside?

By the way,
how'd he get up there?

Oh, uh...

by that ladder.

Oh?

That's funny. I didn't notice
the ladder until now.

Darrin, come on down.

We're anxious to hear
the details.

How's that for enterprise, huh?

McMann & Tate
is first in enterprise.

Yeah, well,
I'll be the judge of that.

What's your new idea, Stephens?

Uh, well, it-it-- It's very
difficult to talk in that mask,

So instead of talking, uh,
why don't we just go inside

and demonstrate to, uh,
Larry and the colonel?

Good idea. Come.

We'll have a drink too.

[SQUEALS]

How did you get your wife

to collaborate
with you like this?

I can't get my wife
interested in spareribs.

Oh, ha-ha,
you'd be surprised

how many ideas have been
born in this house.

Uh, now--
Now, sweetheart, um,

do you remember
where you come in?

Oh, good. Good.

♪ Colonel Bringham's
Ribs are best ♪

♪ Ee-eye-ee-eye-oh ♪

♪ They're sweet and tender
That's no jest ♪

♪ Ee-eye-ee-eye-oh
With a: ♪

[SQUEALING]

♪ Here and a: ♪
[SQUEALING]

♪ There. Here a: ♪

[SQUEALING]
♪ There a: ♪

♪ Everywhere a: ♪
[SQUEALING]

♪ Buy a bucket of ribs today ♪

♪ Ee-eye-ee-eye-oh ♪

I've just got
one word for that.

[LAUGHS]

Look, they were just
kidding around.

Weren't you?

I hope not.
I think it's sensational.

Oh, listen,
these two never kid around.

Ah, you've done it again,
you sly fox.

Or should I say, "sly pig"?

[ALL LAUGHING]

You're pretty good at that.

You ought to perform
in the commercial yourself.

What do you think?

[SQUEALING]

Uh, why--? Why don't you
take that thing off now?

Oh, well--
Well, uh, Larry,

you know how Darrin loves
to investigate details.

Well, he just wanted to see

how long an actor could
stay in that mask

without too much discomfort.

Oh. Tremendous head
for detail.

Hm.

But we're going
to be eating soon,

so why don't you take it off?

Yes, and how long
are you going to--?

Oh. Uh, if--
If you'll excuse us,

we have a special fluid
in the kitchen

that we remove it with.

We'll be right back.
Mm.

I am very impressed with him,
Tate.

He really takes
his work seriously.

Well, that's the sort of thing
I encourage at McMann & Tate.

Okay, Mother, this is it.
The chips are down.

[SQUEALS]
Either you show up or--

Either I show up or what?

[SQUEALS]

Either you show up
or you don't.

Mother, we have guests.

Why don't you tell them Durwood
made a pig of himself?

[SQUEALS]

M-Mother, undo your thing,
and quickly.

I don't know.
I think I'm entitled

to a little apology first.

Apologize, sweetheart.

[SQUEALS]

He apologizes.
I didn't quite catch that.

LARRY:
Sam?

Mother!

Oh, you didn't tell me
your mother was here, Samantha.

How are you, Endora?
Very well, thank you.

Well, uh, M-Mother
just dropped in unexpectedly.

And now she has to drop out.

Oh, too bad.

Anyway, thanks to your
brilliant footwork, Darrin,

the account is ours.

Well, there was nothing wrong
with Sam's footwork either.

Or her singing.
Thanks, Sam.

I don't suppose
I get any thanks at all.

Oh, Mother.

You'll get yours, later.

[LAUGHS]

[♪]

[♪]