03x19 - The Big Sleep

[bunniefuu]

Salem, look at this old photograph
I found in the attic.

Photos? I was framed, I tell you.

How was I supposed to know
she was married?

It's not of you, it's of some
creepy, old relative.

She can help me
figure out the family secret

so I can finally
get my witch's license.

Hi, I'm Sabrina.
I'm sorry to bother you,

but I was trying
to figure out the family secret,

and I was wondering if you knew it.

Well, you didn't hear it from me,

but while your Uncle Rupert
was in prison for embezzling,

his wife was having an affair
with Rupert's brother, Sinclair.

- But the expl*si*n wasn't his fault--
- Whoa.

So the Spellmans
aren't the boring,

pathetic losers
they've been made out to be?

Good morning, Sabrina
and Sabrina's oddly-dressed friend.

I've told you, when they come to the
door, just take the pamphlet and smile.

Don't let them in.

Don't you know who this is?

You found the stuff I bought
at the flea market yesterday.

A complete stranger--

SALEM:
She doesn't have to be.

Hello.

[SCREAMS]

--who's now going to sue us.

Tonight's show is full of belly laughs.

Ooh.

Sabrina, aren't you afraid

if you keep studying for this
Brainbusters competition,

your whole head's gonna explode?

Don't want to embarrass myself on
Saturday in front of the entire school.

Must be a horrible feeling
to look like an idiot

in front of an auditorium
full of people.

Not that that would happen.

- Cheese puff?
- Oh, I'd love one.

Are they hiding
underneath those things?

My contributions to my
cheerleader bake sale,

and nobody's buying them.

Come on, Birkhead.
Move some merchandise,

or you'll be spit-shining
my pom-poms.

[SNIFFS]

Ooh. Are they supposed
to smell like feet?

You smell it too? Help.

It's all in the marketing.
Have a cheese puff.

It'll freshen your breath, whiten
your teeth, and clear up your acne.

The public's so gullible.

Our neighbour, Mr. Tobias,

is the most infuriating man
on the planet.

He ran over our trash can again.

That was my favourite trash can.

[SOBBING]
You can't buy memories like that.

That's not the trash can
I was thinking of.

I am sick of his behaviour,

and I'm not gonna take it anymore.

Let's destroy everything
that's dear to him.

[BRITISH ACCENT]
Let's indoctrinate him

into the cathedral of agony.

I'm gonna write him
a very stern letter.

[NORMAL VOICE]
You're a regular Mad Max, aren't you?

[SCOFFS]

Hilda, what are you doing?

Isn't she a pip?
I bought it at a yard sale for cents.

And they threw in
this cool farmer's hat.

Why do you insist
on cluttering up our house

with useless junk
from flea markets?

Junk? You're the one who bought
Sabrina those encyclopaedias.

Until you can prove to me
that you can actually use

this...monstrosity--

I'm using it right now.
I'm going to the store.

Do you need anything?

Cheese actually
makes you appear taller.

Okay. Places, Brainbusters.
This is not the food court at the mall.

Okay,
"The Dordogne river meets the sea

at which port city in France?"

- Sheldon.
- Bordeaux

Yes. "The cluster of stars
in the constellation Orion."

- Sabrina?
- The seven sisters.

Wrong. Oh, correct. Ahem.

"Define Newton's theory
of gravitational force." Perry.

Yes, that's what it is,
but I need it in words.

"Neanderthals lived in Europe
during what period," Maggie?

PARAMEDIC:
Look out. Coming through.

I don't mean to be an alarmist, but
shouldn't we wear HAZMAT suits?

It's food poisoning.
Or should I say puff poisoning?

They're all going to be laid up
for a week

thanks to you and your accomplice

Valerie
"Sweeney Todd" Birkhead.

Valerie would never wish
kidney failure on anyone.

Well, I'm not blaming Valerie.

I'm blaming you.

You've tried to sabotage
this competition,

because you know how important
it is to my career.

You don't want to see me

- make principal.
- However true that statement is,

- I had nothing--
- Ah.

But it's not
going to work, young lady,

and I am holding you responsible

for having another team
ready by Saturday.

And if you don't,
you're going to see my ugly side.

You mean it gets uglier?

Yes, I know it's tough
competition, Gordie.

Yeah, it's Saturday morning.

Yeah, I know we don't have much
time to prepare, but I think it'll be fun.

[LINE DISCONNECTS]

Hello?

Great. I've called everyone
on the honour roll,

in the Science Club,

and all the students
that wear glasses.

Now what, Aunt Hilda?

You know, I'm sorry, Sabrina.
I'd love to help you,

but I've got to go flip the mattresses.

[IN UNISON]
No.

Well, come on. Valerie,
you have to be a Brainbuster.

This whole nightmare can be
traced back to your mixing bowl.

No, but I freeze under pressure.
I get dizzy, I sweat profusely,

and I babble incoherently.

Much like I'm doing now.

Harvey, you have to do it.
You're my boyfriend.

Ha. Sure, you say that now.

Wait till they ask me
a question I don't know.

Then all of a sudden it's
"who brought the dumb guy?"

Look, I really need your help.

Okay, okay. You guilted us into it.

Don't we need one more?

Unfortunately.

You want me to do you a favour?

What's the sudden fascination
with pronouns?

I don't know if you were recently
hit in the head with an asteroid,

but the day that I do a freak a favour--

Is everything okay here, ladies?

We're fine. Libby just volunteered
to be a Brainbuster,

but I don't know if that's a good idea.

- But I-- I--
- I think it's a splendid idea.

If Libby wants to be on
the team, then she's on it.

Darn it, Libby.

You get your way again.
Heh-heh-heh.

Mr. Tobias responded to my
perfectly reasonable and rational letter

by doing this.

A hunk of metal? He shouldn't have.

No, it's our mailbox.

Well, I have two words
for Mr. Tobias:

water balloons,

aimed at his house,
on the hour, every hour.

I realize that's more than two words.

No, Salem, I refuse to stoop
to that Neanderthal's level.

Quick, I need a spell
to help fill Harvey, Valerie,

and Libby's brains with, well, brains.

Sabrina, you know spells to make
people smarter are illegal.

Well, it's not that they're stupid--

Except maybe Libby.

--it's just that they lack confidence.

Except maybe Libby.
Is there a spell that would

help them tap into the knowledge
they already have?

There's a
"find your full potential" spell,

and it's okay to use on mortals.

Witness Mark McGwire.

- Perfect.
- But there's a catch:

you need your witch's license.

But I can't get my stupid license

until I figure out
the stupid family secret.

I don't believe it.

Tobias is spying on us
with a telescope.

Some people have
no moral compass.

Salem, you gotta help me.
I've got to get my license.

Don't you know anything
about the family secret?

Sabrina, you know
what you could do for me?

Order this water-balloon catapult
from Abercrombie & Witch.

No. Isn't there some distant relative
nobody ever talks about?

You know, like, the black sheep?

Hmm. Well, there is your Aunt Dorma.

Dorma? I've never heard of her.

Hence the secret part.

Yes! Tobias and the paper
just headed into the loo.

That should give me enough
time to TP his house.

[CHUCKLING]

Aunt Dorma,
Pick up your crystal ball

Reverse the charges
On this call

DORMA [OVER BALL]:
Who is this? I was sound asleep.

It's Sabrina Spellman, your niece.

Sorry to bother you. I wanted to ask
you a question about the family secret.

No one wakes up Dorma
and gets away with it.

- You'll rue the day you--
- Sorry, wrong number.

[DIAL TONE]

Well, I really hope her
crystal ball doesn't have star- .

Is the family secret
about Aunt Dorma?

Absolutely not.
And don't contact her.

She sleeps for years at a time.

The last thing you'd ever
want to do is wake her up.

I did once, and she turned me
into a porch swing.

Promise me you won't go
to your room and call her.

I promise.

Okay. "The first woman to be elected
to both the house and the senate."

- Oh, that's--
- Somebody else besides

the queen of the lucky guesses?

- Anyone?
- Oh. Oh, I know this one!

- Yes, Miss Birkhead.
- Oh, don't tell me. Um...

Mr. Kinkle?

Can I just drop and give you ?

- Libby.
- I told you I'm only here to field

- the fashion and hair questions.
VALERIE: Oh!

No. Just a second.

The answer is
Margaret Chase Smith.

Really? I didn't know that.

Well, this is an unmitigated disaster.

Miss Spellman,
you will have plenty of time

to think about what you
have done to me in detention.

Oh, no, no. It's going to be fine.
I promise. All we need to do

is have an all-night
cram session at my house. Heh.

They just need to study a little.

Aunt Hilda, Aunt Zelda.
I'm having some people over to study.

Do we have any--? Snacks.

Aunt Hilda? Are you all right?
Aunt Hilda?

[SNORING]

Come on, wake up. Rise and shine.

Look, a garage sale!

[SNORES]

Poppies?

They're for me, from Aunt Dorma.

Something tells me this is not
the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Aunt Zelda,
we've got a huge problem.

- Poppies.
- Huh--

- What's happening?
- Where did you get those flowers?

Other Realm poppies
are lethal to Spellmans.

[SNORING]

- Aunt Dorma!
- You didn't wake her up, did you?

Yes, I woke her up. Now help me
get Aunt Zelda to the couch.

Sure. I'll grab her shoe.

Just wanted to have
some people over to study.

A few minutes ago,
my biggest worry

was that we didn't have enough
pizza rolls.

But no. Some crazy aunt sends
a bunch of-- Poppies!

I got to get rid of them.

Oh, no. Dorma must have put a spell
on my finger

so I can't zap the poppies away.

What am I gonna do?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Of course. Wait two seconds
for things to get even worse.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

We don't want any cookies.
Religious reasons.

Do you mind?
We're supposed to be studying,

not standing out here
on your doormat,

which, by the way, feels cheap.

You'll have to go
around back. The door is stuck,

this is as far as I can get it open.

I've got an idea.
What if the three of us push on--?

You want a w*r, Tobias?
You got one.

Just put your head
between your legs

and kiss your sweet little-- Hey!

I don't hang up the phone on you when
you're threatening complete strangers.

You've gotta help me. What else do you
remember about poison poppy spells?

Let's see. From what I remember,

you have to remove
the poppies from the house,

or everyone affected by them
will sleep for eternity

while their minds and bodies
rot slowly into nothingness.

But I can't. Every time I try
my finger just makes more poppies.

Hmm. That's a twist. But if you can
keep Hilda and Zelda moving,

you can delay the decaying process.

[YAWNING]
How am I supposed to do that?

- Wait a second. I'm falling asleep too.
- Don't worry. You're half mortal.

They'll probably just make you
drowsy for a few hundred years.

Oh, good. I was afraid
it was something serious.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Sabrina, I can't believe
I'm saying this: let me into your house.

[SNICKERS]

What's with all the poppies?

- Our greenhouse broke.
- You have a greenhouse?

Did you guys come over to study
or to ask questions?

We certainly didn't come here
to socialize.

Can we please go into the
living room and get this over with?

Oh, no. We can't go in there.

The pipes burst
and the place is flooded.

Oh, I think I speak for all of us: Ew.

You guys stay here and study

and I'll be back before
you can say "rampant mildew."

Okay. I've got to keep
Aunt Hilda and Aunt Zelda moving.

To keep my aunts from
Spending an eternity in bed

Make them act out what's currently
Going through their heads

Finally, I got past
the doorman at Studio .

ZELDA:
I'm almost across the channel.

I can see Calais.

This is what they dream of?
It's a wonder I turned out normal at all.

[YAWNING]
What was I doing?

Right!

Hey, Sabrina, we need your help.

Maybe you should spend less time
talking and more time studying.

Take that, Tobias.

[GLASS SHATTERING]

Ooh. Stained glass window.
Expensive.

[YAWNING]
Salem, what are you doing?

Why aren't you helping me?

Bigger fish to fry. Isn't she a beaut?

Zelda was asleep
so I borrowed her credit card.

There's got to be something in here
about getting rid of poppies.

Let's see.

[YAWNING]
"Paprika, uses of." No.

"Pod people, humour of." No.

[CLANG]

- Salem!
- Don't hate me.

[SOBBING]
I only did it because I love you.

Ah. Here it is. "Poppy cleanup.

Press here for fast, efficient,
friendly service."

Finally. Something easy.

[GOATS BLEATING]

Can't they eat any faster?

Oh, yeah, well, we just came
from a job at a garbage dump

and they're kind of full.

KRAFT:
Sabrina.

Mr. Kraft, what are you doing here?

I just came by to make sure
you were studying.

Why do I feel like I just walked
into the middle of a Fellini film?

You are a wonderful dancer,
Mr. Warhol.

Where are my notes?

I've got to give a lecture
in ten minutes.

- Zelda--
SABRINA: Oh, don't mind her.

She's just experiencing
a bit of dementia.

All that research. And for what?

Oh, I understand.
This is one of your experiments.

My pants. My pants?
Where are my pants?

You are wearing them.

You know, you really
are overworking yourself.

Now, my advice to you?

Start taking care of Zelda.

Great suggestion.
We've got to get back to studying now.

Thanks for coming by.

SALEM:
Take that, Tobias.

Hey.

[YELLING]

HARVEY:
Sabrina, is it okay to come out now?

Harvey, no, you'll ruin your shoes.

[SHEPHERD WHISTLES]

Okay, boys. Take five.

[BLEATING]

It's a union thing.

Just get the goats out of here.
I'll get rid of the poppies myself.

And people wonder
why shepherds are loners.

[SCOFFS]

Hey, what's going on?

We heard some strange
noises in there.

- It sounded like goats.
- Goats. Ha-ha.

You guys have been studying
too long.

SHEPHERD:
Come on, goats. Time to go home.

So how's the studying going?

- Miserably.
- Will you help us?

You don't need me.
You got everything.

- You're smart and you have books.
- So you're not going to help us.

I would, but I just have
more work to do,

you know, mostly mopping.

But don't leave this room.

I despise this house.

I can't believe this. I'm drowsy
and I'm operating heavy machinery.

Ah. I beat you, Aunt Dorma. I won.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, the poppies are back.

I stayed up all night
and the poppies are back.

[LAUGHS]

Sabrina? It's me, Valerie.
Are you okay?

Valerie, hi.

Oh, and Libby's here.

I wonder if Libby's ticklish.

Libby, are you ticklish?

[LAUGHS]

Poor thing. She must be exhausted
from cleaning up all night.

Well, she didn't do a very good job.

It still smells like mildew.

She can't go to the competition
in this condition.

I can so.

Actually, I can't sew, but I can knit.

[LAUGHING]

All right,
help me get her into my car.

Maybe she'll perk up
on the ride to school.

Oh, it's freezing out there.

Hey, Libby, grab her coat, will you?

[DANCE SONG PLAYING]

[SCREAMS]

Welcome, everyone, to the
All City Brainbusters Championship.

Woo!

- Are you sure you can do this?
- Positively. No problemo.

Fire those questions at me, Willard.

The first round will begin
in just a minute.

!

What is going on over here?

Sabrina's just a little punchy
from staying up all night.

Rodgers and Hart.

To get to the other side.

Put duct tape over her mouth
if you have to, but keep her quiet.

[LAUGHING]

All right, Westbridge.

"What is Newton's
third law of motion?"

[BUZZES]

I don't know that.

She didn't know that.

Westbridge,
"The capital of Madagascar is--?"

Snow!

Incorrect.

No, I'm not.
Snow will get rid of poppies.

Why didn't I think of it before?
It's like The Wizard of Oz. Heh.

To wake my aunts
From terrible rot

Send snow to my house
Make sure it's a lot

The score is Revere, ,

Westbridge, bupkis.

Next question, Westbridge.

"What is the highest peak
in North America?"

Great. I guess it's up to us

now that Freak Van Winkle's
out cold.

- Valerie, you answer.
- Me? No way, you answer it.

HARVEY: No way.
KRAFT: Westbridge, we are waiting.

What is the highest peak
in North America?

[BUZZES]

Mount McKinley?

My Lord, that's right.

[CHEERING]

Ten points for Westbridge.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[BUZZES]

I don't even know
if I'm saying this right.

Is it the Pythagorean theorem?

It is, and that's ten more points
for Westbridge.

[CHEERING]

And the moderator is neutral,
of course.

[BUZZES]

The Pyrenees mountain range
extends from the Bay of Biscay

to the Mediterranean Sea.

- It certainly does.
- Yes!

All right. This is your
last question, Westbridge.

For the game.

"What country is the largest
producer of soybeans?"

- I know it!
- America.

You are correct.

Westbridge wins!

[CHEERING]

I can't believe it.
Studying actually works.

Sorry about that, Sabrina.
I just couldn't risk it.

What were you gonna say?

You got a purty mouth.

No, no. You can come
by my house and see it

any time you want.

Just call first. I won. I won.

[SINGING]
I'm gonna be principal

In or years

Ha-ha!

Nobody takes a trophy
away from me.

Oh, my goodness. Is she all right?

She's fine, just exhausted.

What a night.
Between helping us study

and the flood in your living room,
which is now covered in snow...

I got a toboggan for my birthday
and I couldn't wait to try it.

Freak begets freak.

When she wakes up, will you tell her
we won the Brainbusters?

Yeah. She convinced us to study.
This trophy belongs to her.

You know Sabrina. Heh.

One crazy idea after another.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[KNOCKING]

Is there a Zelda Spellman
at this residence?

Yes. May I help you?

You're under arrest for making
threatening calls to your neighbour

and breaking all of his windows
with water balloons.

But-- But-- But I've been asleep
for the last hours.

You might want to work on that alibi.

Somebody's gonna regret this.

Hmm. I think she was talking to you.

Break time's over, Salem.

Please don't make me
scrub any more toilets.

I keep falling in.

Sabrina, this is your Aunt Dorma.

You really are a black sheep.

So are you here for a social visit,
or to poison us in person?

To apologize and to thank you
for waking me up.

I left my oven on,
and if it weren't for you,

my house would have
caught on fire.

And as a way of saying she's sorry,
we'll get a lifetime supply of mittens.

Oh, and how about a clue
to the family secret?

Certainly. What are barn animal
relatives for?

[BIRDS TWITTERING]

Birds? It's bad enough trying
to figure out these clues.

Nobody said anything about
having to clean up after them.

Oh, Salem?

[SOBBING]