03x03 - Suspicious Minds

[bunniefuu]

KRAFT: Well, I had a
wonderful time this evening.

Me too.

He really is
the lord of the dance, huh?

He's not gonna kiss her
good night, is he?

I hope not.
His depth perception is terrible.

He was always getting
his nose in my eye.

Why do you tell me things like that
so close to my bedtime?

Really, I'm fine.
You missed the cornea.

And may I ask what you are doing?

Oh, I was just gonna use the drapes
to make playsuits

for the von Trapp children.

- That's your story?
- Yeah. I think it holds together.

We'll just see about that.

A lie detector?
I can't believe you'd think I'd lie to you.

[MACHINE BEEPING]

Are you open to a bribe?

I'm really an actress.
Do you want fries with that?

And so the assignment
that Mrs. Palotti has left for you

while she's out sick,
has you splitting up into couples

so you can experience
the "realities," "joys,"

and "responsibilities of marriage."

Hm. For some reason
there's nothing here

about the corresponding
pain, t*rture and humiliation.

Everything is so p.c. these days.

Every day you will receive
a different task.

"Make a budget." Ha, please.

"Set common goals." Yeah, I'm sure.

"Share your feelings." Right.

Share my feelings with a woman
who spends all day...

I do.

[LIBBY CLEARS THROAT]

- Yes, Libby.
- I was just wondering

if you need help pairing up
the couples,

so you're free to focus
on your bitterness.

Thank you, Libby.
You are a delightful throwback.

I'm really sorry
we weren't paired up together.

I'm kind of surprised I got Libby.

Yeah, big surprise.
Right up there with snow in December.

You don't mind, do you?

No, it's just an assignment.
It's not like you're really married.

Besides, you're always working
on your car.

You won't even have time to see her.

I can't work on my car until I can afford
that heater valve, remember?

My afternoons are totally free.

Oh, well, it's never too soon
to start preparing for your SATs.

You're always looking out for me,
Sabrina.

I love it when you do that.

And it's even more fun
now that it's so wrong.

In the future when you'd like to speak
with my husband, you go through me.

Harvey, darling, wait.

It's just an assignment. Make-believe.
You're not really married.

Hi, honey, I'm home.

Why won't you tell me
what you and Willard talk about?

Because it's none of your business.

He's tattooed my name to his arm,
hasn't he?

No, he hasn't.

Oh, so you've seen his arms.

SALEM:
What's the matter with you?

Somebody get their chocolate
in your peanut butter?

No. Libby's trying to steal Harvey.

Oh. You know, Sabrina, no one
can be stolen unless they want to be.

Oh, so now Willard wanted
to be stolen.

I trust Harvey. It's Libby I don't trust.

As the saying goes,
it takes two to tango.

Zelda, we're not talking
about dancing here.

We've got two people--

Oh.
Please continue.

SALEM:
Oh, you poor, naive little thing.

- So innocent to the ways of love.
- I told you, I trust Harvey.

It doesn't matter what Libby does,
Harvey would never cheat on me.

That's what I thought when
I was dating Madame Curie.

Marie started spending a lot of time
in the lab with Pierre.

They told me it was an experiment,
but I knew better.

She kept saying the phrase.

"Stay away from me
or I'll call the police"?

No. "Don't you trust me?"

You knew she was cheating because
she said, "Don't you trust me?"

That, and I hired a detective
from the Other Realm

and got some pictures of them
sharing more than radiation.

I'm not hiring a detective
to spy on Harvey.

- For the last time, I trust him.
- Uh-huh.

Do you even know where he is?

Yes. He's at home.

I'll prove it to you.

HARVEY [ON PHONE]: Hello?
- Hello, Harvey. I knew you'd be home.

- Oh, hi, Sabrina.
- Hi, Sabrina.

Libby? What's Libby doing there?

Proving my point.

She came over and brought me
some homemade cookies.

I don't remember that
being part of the assignment.

Goodbye, Sabrina.

I don't wanna keep you from
your ice cream and romance novel.

Do you still have
that detective's number?

You've got ice cream?

MAN:
She blew into my office

like a cool breeze
on a hot summer day.

Who said that?

But trouble clung to her
like a cotton sheet to a wet dog.

Okay, I get it.

Is there anyone here
who can help me?

Depends on what kind of help
you're looking for, sweetheart.

- Roland?
- Sabrina. You found me.

What happened to your job
as an equalizer?

Oh, they went totally digital.

So let me guess,
trouble with farm boy?

- Stepping out on you, huh?
- No.

Maybe.

Hundred bucks a day plus expenses.

Sure, I make that a night, babysitting.
I don't have that kind of money.

This ain't no charity ward, baby.

The fog machine, the voice-over guy,
they all cost money.

Forget it. This was a bad idea.

Oh, wait, I just remembered.
I'm running a special this month.

"An hour of surveillance
for one minute of hand-holding."

Thanks. I'll call you
if I ever stop screaming.

MAN:
Like peanut butter to the roof of yo--

Knock it off.

Hey, Sabrina. Sorry about yesterday.

That's okay.

Now that Libby's been to your house,
I guess the worst is over.

- Wow, Libby, did you do all this?
- Me and Locker World.

There are separate places
for your books, for your lunch,

and an odour-proof, lead-lined
compartment for your gym shoes.

Remember,
I gave you a roach motel.

I just wanted to make sure
I did a good job on today's assignment.

"Wives, do something nice
for your husbands."

For a change. Not just take, take, take.
Excellent work, Libby.

I'll see you at lunch, Harvey.
I packed us something special.

- You're having lunch with her now?
- Thanks for being so understanding.

You're the best.

Hey. My kiss.

- Hello, Roland?
- I knew you'd call back.

- Dames are so predictable.
- I've gotta know what's going on

between Harvey and Libby.
Can you start right away?

As soon as we settle our fee.

One minute, payable immediately.

One hippopotamus.
Two hippopotamus.

Three hippopotamus.

[ZELDA GIGGLING]

Oh, Willard, that's hilarious.

[WHISPERING] Do me a favour,
put down the phone.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Oh, ha, ha. You're too much.

[BULLHORN BLARING]

ROLAND:
Psst.

I bet you didn't even recognise me,
huh?

- What are you supposed to be?
- An exchange student.

Pretend like you don't know me.

Well, that shouldn't be hard.
It's my fantasy.

- Hello, fellow students.
- Aren't you Sabrina's cousin?

Guess again, farm boy.

So you two are dating?

GORDIE: Well?
- Well, what?

Our assignment.

"Wives, prepare a special treat
for your husbands,

and try not to bring it up resentfully
years later during an argument."

Right. Oh, I got you a fruit cup.

How many times do I have to tell you?
I'm not Sabrina's cousin.

I'm from Iceland. My name is Bjorn.

Okay, Bjorn, and how many times
do I have to tell you?

Libby's not my girlfriend, Sabrina is.

What did you find out?

Forget it. Move on.
You and Harvey are history.

What? I can't believe it.

Well, that's just my preliminary report.
If you need more details...

Great lunch, Libby.

You're the best.

That's my kiss.

- You just kissed Libby.
- Just on the cheek.

Then you admit it?

What's wrong, Sabrina?
Don't you trust me?

What did you say?

Don't you trust me?

Find out everything. I want pictures,
I want video. Money's no object.

Tomorrow, : .
See you then, Willard.

- I hope you've learned your lesson.
- What lesson?

Is Willard trying to get you
to teach me a lesson?

- Is that what he's doing?
- Hilda, you need to find a therapist,

one who doesn't refer to you
as caller number two.

He better not be taking you
to the stockyard,

because that was our special place.

I'm not telling you anything.

But I might, provided there's tuna.

[LAUGHING]

Hey, Sabrina, how's it going?

- What's that supposed to mean?
- Nothing.

Oh, so now you're hiding
things from me?

- What am I hiding from you?
- How should I know?

How should you know what?

Oh, pretend like you don't know
what I'm talking about.

Who's pretending?

- Sorry. I had to get my camera.
- I'm so glad you're here.

Harvey's acting totally weird.

[COUGHING]

[STUDENTS SHOUTING]

It ain't pretty, but the truth never is.

I never knew betrayal
came wallet-sized.

Goodbye, farm boy. Hello, Roland.

Harvey Kinkle,
you've got a lot of explaining to do.

- About what?
- You know about what.

Sabrina, I hate this game.
It makes my head hurt.

You and Libby.
You were all over her in the cafeteria.

- You were hugging her in the hallway.
- What are you talking about?

- I thought you trusted me.
- But--

- Well, can we talk about this?
- I have to meet Libby.

It's our anniversary tonight.

Oh, if you're really supposed
to be her husband

shouldn't you forget
your anniversary?

What do you mean
you don't know where they are?

What kind of mother are you? Hello?

Mrs. Kinkle? Hello?

[LINE HUMMING]

I found out where they're going.
Someplace called "the knoll."

They're going to the knoll?
But that's a big make-out--

Come on.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Quick, blend in.

- Happy anniversary.
- Is that your car?

It will be in payments.
What a funny-looking lamp.

Yeah, uh, fascinating.

Why don't we talk about it
on the way to the knoll?

GORDIE: It will break
my mother's heart. Let's go.

I'm leaving.

Oh, is your date tonight?
Oh. I'd completely forgotten.

Nothing more pathetic
than a woman who clings to the past.

Unless it's one who sits around
in a bathrobe and fuzzy slippers

talking to her cat.

[SALEM CHUCKLING]

Comfy.

Well, I'm glad to see you've made
peace with my dating Willard.

You have fun now.
She's gone, let's tail her.

SALEM:
Change me back.

No amount of tuna
is worth this olfactory nightmare. Ugh.

Thanks for driving, Libby.

I'm still waiting for that heater valve
for my car.

Surprise.

- This isn't Bowl-A-Rama.
- I know.

I thought we should go someplace fun
for our anniversary.

Me too, that's why
we were going bowling.

Harvey,
so many rough edges to grind.

Chocolate-covered strawberry?

Wow, so this is the knoll.
I can't believe I'm really here.

Ahem, again.

Hey, do you think that's
Libby's mom's car over there?

Don't worry, nobody can see us.
Which reminds me,

I'm gonna need documentation.
Do you have a camera on you?

[KRAFT GRUNTS]

Oh, my, how did you
ever find this place?

The quarterback on the football team
told me about it during detention.

Here, feast your eyes on this,
my lady fair.

Oh, look at all those stars.

You were right.
I can't believe they're here.

SALEM: Don't make me watch.
I'll have to scratch out my own eyes.

It will be fun. Come on.
Like a horror film, only gorier.

SALEM: Look, there is no way that--
Oh, is that real butter?

Sorry the stockyards were closed,
but it's--

It's kind of pretty here too, isn't it?

- Oh, yes.
- Yeah.

Maybe a little music to set the mood?

[MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]

[SINGING]
Hey! Little girl

Fix your hair, do your makeup

SABRINA:
What's with all these stupid trees?

You can't see anyone else.

That's the point. Sabrina,
I think we have a serious problem.

- You see Harvey and Libby?
- Not with them. With us.

Our marriage is on the rocks.
I just keep giving and giving--

The cops. My dad's gonna k*ll me.

Is there a problem, officer?

Listen, punk, I need to see some ID
and registration now,

or it's the business end
of big Ed here.

What are you waiting for?
They're over there.

- I'm trying.
- I'm gonna need you

to step out of the car, miss.

What about me?

Face forward.
Both hands on the wheel.

Ah, and Orionis, of course,
is your typical M-class star,

known for its presence
of metallic oxide molecules.

- Notably, those with titanium oxide.
- Yes.

SALEM: Let's go. I've never been
so bored in my entire life,

and I stare off into space
hours a day.

Come on. Let's say five more minutes.
This can't be all they talk about.

- Oh, I know.
- Okay.

Let's try and name
all the moons of Jupiter by mass.

- Oh, boy.
- Europa.

[MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]

So you pop in, take a quick look-see,
dump Harvey, cry on my shoulder,

and we'll live happily ever after.
Plus, I have some long-term plans.

It's true.
I can't believe they're really here.

Yep. I wouldn't lie to you.

I can't do it.
I thought I could, but I can't.

So I guess this is gonna take
some tough love.

Metis, Ganymede,
and don't help me, Callisto.

[LAUGHING]

- Oh, excellent.
- Oh, thank you.

Okay. Now by carbon content.

Can't stay awake. Too boring.

[SNORING]

Now that we're all alone, is there
anything you'd like to say to me?

Yeah, if you get any closer,
I'm gonna fall out of the car.

Then you'd better hold on
to something.

You point it, I break it.

Libby, cut it out. I've got a girlfriend.

But the other day at school
you kissed me.

I know. It was weird.
I don't even know why I did it.

I bet I do.

Sabrina's my girlfriend.
I'm not gonna cheat on her.

- I won't tell if you won't.
- "No" means no, Libby.

I think you should
take me home now.

But I bought you dinner.

[KNOCKING ON GLASS]

Sabrina, this is the last straw.

I don't care how
it affects my final grade,

I want a divorce.

- Sabrina?
- Bjorn?

Now you're spying on me?
I can't believe you don't trust me.

Harvey, wait.

[SCREAMING]

[HILDA & SALEM SNORING]

- Hilda?
- Hilda?

Oh. I can't believe you were so jealous
that you had to spy on us.

Oh, I have never been so mad at you
in my entire life.

KRAFT: Hilda.
- That's not true.

Remember when we were kids
and I broke your collarbone?

Oh, Zelda, wait.

Ha, wow.

Sisters fighting over me.
Hey, when you got it,

[SINGING]
You got it.

SABRINA:
Harvey.

ROLAND: Sabrina.
HILDA: Oh, Zelda.

None of this would have happened

if you had learned to control
your primitive urges,

if all of you hadn't been
overcome with jealousy.

I wasn't jealous. I was hungry.

I was jealous and I was hungry.

Once again, I'm the only mature
responsible one in the entire group.

That must make you all
incredibly jealous.

Well, thanks for the lecture, toots,
but I gotta run.

So I'll be collecting
the rest of my fee--

I'm not paying you any more.
This was all your fault.

Oh, yeah?
Well, who came to whose office?

ZELDA:
You were both at fault,

but if it'll get rid of you any faster,
I will cover the rest of your fee.

There. Paid in full.

I usually get time and a half after .

- It's a union thing.
- Out.

I also do general contracting.

So to sum it up,

our marriage was a complete
and total failure. Thank you.

Beautiful. Come on. Beautiful.
Oh, the memories.

You know, it is so great to see
a young couple on the right track.

A.

Gordie, I just want to apologise.
You were a great husband,

and I'm sorry
that I treated you so badly.

Are you kidding? You're a genius.

We're the only two who passed.
Thanks.

No running.

Hey, can you believe we got an A?

I know you're mad at me,
but can't you be the kind of mad

- where you still talk to me?
- I'm not mad. I'm disappointed.

The kind of disappointed
where you still talk to me?

You know, my behaviour kind of shows
how much I care about you

in some weird, twisted, demented,
stalker kind of way.

I know you care.
I just want you to trust me,

and believe me when I say
you're the only girl for me.

I do. Now. Not that I didn't before,
because I did, sort of,

but not in the same way I do now.
Let me know if I make a point.

- What's this?
- You don't know?

The guy at the junkyard
said it was a heater valve.

- I knew he was gonna rip me off.
- This is so great.

- This is just the kind of thing that--
- Libby would do.

No. This is just the kind of thing
that only Sabrina would do.

I love it when you do that.

[CHUCKLES]

It was really nice of Gordie
to let us use his car.

He had no choice,
it was part of our divorce agreement.

He got the house.

Libby and I are only talking
through our lawyers.

You know, at first I thought
this assignment was kind of stupid,

but then it made me realise
how hard relationships can be.

I know.

But I'm sure it gets easier
as you get older.

[HORN HONKING]

I hope they don't take the freeway.

[SCREAMS]