02x07 - A River of Candy Corn Runs Through It

[bunniefuu]

I can't wait
for our new furniture to get here.

I know. It's gonna be here just in time
for our nice, quiet Halloween at home.

You mean, we're not visiting
relatives this year? Hope, hope.

Nope. I called them and told them

that we just can't make
the family gathering this year.

I am so glad.
I hate flying during the holidays.

The traffic getting back to the universe
is always vacuum-to-vacuum.

Halloween might actually
be fun this year?

Not that Grandpa's game of
Find My Teeth isn't without its charms.

We'll rent movies,
stir up some candy corn,

listen to Jim Nabors,
sing Halloween songs.

You're talking about the album, right?
I don't want him at the house again.

MAN'S VOICE:
Hey, delivery.

Oh, I just love that
Other Realm furniture.

It's always delivered on time,
and you don't have to tip anybody.

- And there's a -year warranty.
SALEM: Heh-heh-heh.

- Salem.
- If you ladies don't mind,

I got a lot of new territory to mark. Oh.

This is so not me.

How do you get to be friends
with those guys?

- I think we'd have to fill in a form.
- You know what I'd say to Asher?

- What?
- "Hello."

That would take guts.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Hi, Asher, guess what.
I'm having a Halloween party

- Friday night.
- Really?

It's gonna be awesome.
Great food, a DJ, me.

- And you know what the best part is?
- What?

No freaks.

Gee, you think she
wanted us to hear that?

Don't let Libby get to you.

Just tell yourself what I tell myself:

These are the best years of her life.

Hey.

Did you hear?

Sabrina's having a Halloween party.

- Really?
- Yeah. And it's gonna be great.

Music, dancing
and other things cool people do. Heh.

I'm glad to know the B-list people
have someplace to go.

Is she inviting teachers as well?

[STUDENTS CHUCKLING]

Sabrina's bash
is gonna make your party

look like a civil-service exam.

Wow, Sabrina swore
she'd never have a party.

Really?

Hey, Sabrina,
great news about your party.

- Party?
STUDENTS: Whoa, party?

[STUDENTS CLAMOURING]

STUDENT :
All right.

STUDENT :
Whoo-hoo.

Sabrina, you might want to know,

- you're having a Halloween party.
- What?

Well, I would've said my house,

but I was afraid
my parents would dance.

I can't have a party at my house.

Why not? Your house is cool.
It's old, gothic, kind of spooky.

Right, it's all wrong
for a Halloween party.

You have to tell them
it's not happening.

- So when's the party, Sabrina?
- Uh...

Sabrina might not--

Probably is definitely not
having the party...

STUDENTS:
Aww.

...almost.

So you were just
making the whole thing up?

Well, what I was doing was, I was--

Telling too soon.

She wasn't supposed to tell
until I asked my aunts.

So you still might have the party?

It all depends on what my aunts say.

Of course you can have a party.

A mortal Halloween, how quaint.

I need you guys to tell me no.

Don't you want to spend
a quiet Halloween at home?

This is more important.
Your first party.

Why don't you have kids over
more often?

Because, like most teenagers,
I'm self-conscious

about the fact that we're witches.

Yes, but we're people too.

Now, don't worry, we'll make sure no
witchy stuff happens during the party.

Come on, think about it.

All your friends having fun, dancing.

Actually, I think it would be fun
to have some people over.

You know, be normal for once.

And if all goes well,

you might just go from normal
to toast of the town.

And if anything goes wrong,

we could always
move to another town, right?

- Sometimes it's so hard to be young.
- I know.

But I think I handle it pretty well.

- Salem, those are for the guests.
- Mm.

I'm just making sure all is right.

[PHONE RINGS]

Cheetos should be served
at room temperature, you know.

HILDA:
Sabrina, phone call.

- It's a boy.
- Can I lick the bowl?

Yes.
Of course, you'll be horribly burned.

Hello, party central.

Hey, Sabrina, it's me.
I've got some bad news.

- I can't come to your party.
- What?

My mom and dad said
I have to take my brother

- and his friends trick-or-treating.
- You're kidding.

- Did they just spring this on you?
- Yeah, they just reminded me

that they told me about it
two weeks ago.

So they're totally to blame.

I got a bad feeling
about all this free candy.

My little brother gets hyped up
just eating an apple.

Oh. I'll see you later, I hope.

Great.
Harvey can't come to my party.

He's the only guy I had confirmed.

FEMALE VOICE: Here we go again.
- Sabrina, did you turn on the TV?

No. That's weird.

[VOICES CHATTERING]

What are you putting
in the candy corn?

MSG.

What could it hurt?

[SABRINA SCREAMS]

- What's the matter?
- Our furniture. It's talking.

Could you people bug off?

Marvin, could you possibly be nice

- to the new owners for a change?
- Aw...

Couches are from Mars,
chairs are from Venus.

All this from a -year-old
who still lives with his parents.

I've been looking for a place.
Think it's easy?

[WHISTLES]

Thank you.

What the heck is going on here?

Apparently we accidentally
bought talking furniture.

Do you want to say "duh,"
or should I?

Talking furniture?

What, were they people
that were turned into furniture?

Of course not.

Where would you
get an idea like that?

It's just furniture that talks.

That's right. We're sideshow acts.

We have personalities
and feelings, you know.

- Yeah.
- And we're great for single people.

And I can't wait to get to know
each and every one of you.

- Zap them back.
- Why? They could be fun.

- Aunt Zelda, my party.
- Okay.

- That's odd.
- What's the matter?

I know.
We put them on our credit card,

and until they're paid off,
we can't zap them away.

Well, I have a suggestion:
Do something.

Please?

We'll just go back to the store
and tell them they made a mistake.

Come on.

Okay, well, don't be too long,

because I don't like being left alone
with furniture I hardly know.

Here, you just relax, dear.

Phew. Hmm!

Creepy.

Oh, I forgot everything is closed
in the Other Realm on Halloween.

Except Denny's.
Let's have some pie.

No. We'd better get back home.
Sabrina may need our help.

But pie...

Are you gonna put that there?

Yes.
Do you have a problem with that?

No, no, don't let a sense of style
ruin your design.

How would you like to spend
the rest of your life in a garage sale?

Ha-ha-ha-achoo-hoo!

A couch who's allergic to cats?

Finally, someone whose life
is more pathetic than mine.

Oh, thank goodness.

Well, guys, it was nice knowing you.
Be sure to write.

I'm sorry, but everything is closed
in the Other Realm.

- We can't zap them away just yet.
- Ugh.

But they can't stay here,
I have mortals coming over.

Well, we'll just take the furniture

- down to the basement.
- And burn it?

[FURNITURE CHATTERING]

Calm down, calm down.

We'll just leave you there
for the duration of the party.

No one will know that they're there.

We once kept a Viking down there
for centuries.

Oh, we did let him go, didn't we?

Oh, yeah. Remember when we--

I'm sure it's a cute story.

Why don't you tell it
after we move the furniture.

[CHUCKLING]

Stop it. Stop it. I'm ticklish.

Maybe you should start
with the striped chair.

He has no sense of humour.

I don't think that's funny.

Hey, be gentle.
Watch out for my arms. Hey.

[SMALLER CHAIR SCREAMS]

SMALLER CHAIR:
Get me out of here. Get them off me.

All right.

- All right, calm down.
- Ouch, ouch, ouch.

- What is it?
- What's the matter?

- Ouch, ouch, ouch.
- We've got termites.

So spray something.

That won't do any good,
these are Other Realm termites.

Talking furniture attracts them.

- Look.
- Help me.

- Are you gonna finish that knothole?
- Bah!

[BOTH MUNCHING NOISILY]

Get them off me.

This is bad. This is really bad.

The furniture talks, the termites talk,
I haven't finished decorating...

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[CRYING]
And now the party's starting.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Just get the door.

- We'll think of something.
- Alert the authorities, I beg you.

Oh, pipe down.

[SMALLER CHAIR WHIMPERING]

Quack, quack, quack...

- Hi, it's me, Valerie. Heh.
- Great costume.

I thought I'd get here early and help.
That way I would intentionally

be the first one here instead of
accidentally being the first one here.

I'm the first one here, aren't I?

- Yup.
SMALLER CHAIR: I don't wanna die.

- Who's that?
- My aunt.

She's having a midlife crisis.

My dad had one of those,
he bought a red car.

So, what can I do?

Um...

Go in the kitchen
and fill some bowls with pretzels.

Okay, sure.

Sabrina,
thanks for going through with this.

You're a good friend.

Thanks, Valerie, and don't worry,
it's gonna be a great party.

And normal, very normal.

HILDA: I swear,
I will knock the stuffing out of you.

We're starting her
on hormones next week.

How about those pretzels?

[KIDS YELLING]

Now, don't forget to say "thank you."

[DOORBELL RINGS]

What have we here?

[KIDS CLAMOURING]

Trick-or-treat for UNICEF?

[GRUNTS]

Thank you.

Excuse me, but I am not
going back to the basement.

Take it easy, Chair.

Okay, for now, the termites
are confined to the basement.

Can't we call a magic exterminator?

No, it's a holiday,
and they're very devout.

Got it. For the time being,

we could feed the termites
our old, used furniture.

BOTH: Yeah!
- We'll start with the old lawn chairs,

the coat tree
and Salem's scratching post.

- Hey.
- It's a birthday present

and you never use it.

You never use
the Waterpik I gave you.

Let's not get ugly.
It's for the sake of Sabrina's party.

Or the tea cosy...

Okay, look, guys, this is my first party,
and I really need it to go well.

My aunts will keep the termites at bay.
If you behave yourselves

and not say a word, I promise I'll...

I'm talking to furniture.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Okay, listen up,
you upholstered losers.

If you misbehave for just one instant,
I'll cut you, man.

[ALL WHIMPERING]

Hey, guys, happy Halloween.
Thanks for coming.

ZELDA:
Coming through.

Just working on my triceps.

Okay. Well, help yourselves.

There's chips, soda,
cookies, raw vegetables--

How'd those get there?

VALERIE: Sabrina,
I love your bubbling cauldron--

- Aw, sh**t!
- Valerie, wait.

Uh-- Okay, I'll be back in a minute.

Everyone have a good time
and talk amongst yourselves.

I mean, the people talk.
Nothing else should talk.

And why would it?

Gotta go.

What's the matter?

What's the matter? I'm a duck.

No one else here is a duck.

Dave's got a little alligator
on his shirt.

It's not the same.

I always do stupid stuff
like this.

Why'd you have to have
this party in the first place?

Couldn't help myself.

From now on,
I'm gonna be a total recluse.

I'll create this mystique around myself
that people will find really fascinating,

but they'll never see me in public.

Or you could just
take the costume off.

I can't. My mom sewed me in.

Sabrina, more guests have arrived.

Are any of them wearing
Halloween costumes?

I'm sorry, honey.

One boy's wearing a cap.

Why didn't I take my
little brother's teasing seriously?

[ALL YELLING]

Hey! Stop egging that house!

[ALL YELLING]

Come back here, I mean it!

You know, they try juveniles as adults
in this state now!

[KIDS YELLING]

Everyone having a good time?

[JIM NABORS SINGING
OVER STEREO]

- What is that music?
- I don't know. It was on the stereo.

- It sounds like Jim Nabors.
- No.

And certainly not him in person.

[MAGIC DINGS, MUSIC CHANGES]

I know what this party needs:
candy corn. Heh.

Aunt Hilda,
it was a very nice gesture,

but in case you didn't notice,
we're not years old.

Yes, I'm very aware of that,
but if I were you,

I would really play up
the candy-corn angle.

- Why?
- Follow me.

Is that the antique rocker
my mother gave me?

- Yes. I'm going to feed the termites.
- Do it.

What happened?

Well, we tried to double the recipe,
and we accidentally squared it.

- Well, zap it away.
- I tried that, but it didn't work.

Does the recipe book
have any answers?

Oh, there's a chapter called

"What to Do If You Make
Too Much Candy Corn."

What does it say?

"You can never make
too much candy corn."

No! Don't come in here!
No, no, no, Zelda's naked!

It's that midlife thing again. I'm so glad
you decided to come downstairs.

No, I'm just here to announce
that I am now officially insane.

I could have sworn I heard a doorbell
coming from inside your linen closet.

Oh, well, that's where
I keep my wind chimes.

And it does get
a little draughty in there. Heh-heh-heh.

Excuse me.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Ah.

MONSTERS [SINGING]:
Ya-la-la-la-la

Oh, Halloween carollers.

Listen, we're kind of
in the middle of something,

so could you just make it
a quick Halloween carol?

Great.

ALL:
On the , th day of Halloween

My true love gave to me

- , eyeballs
- , ear of newt

But I just came to tell you
about the doorbell and now I'm leaving.

- No, you have to stay at the party.
- No, I can't, I can't.

You have to help me out here.

- But they'll laugh at me.
- Well, at least they'll be entertained.

- All right, I guess I owe you.
- Thanks.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[ALL LAUGHING]

MAN:
Trick-or-treat.

Huh?

I said, trick-or-treat.

Quizmaster, not now, not tonight.

Well, when you least expect it,
the perfect time for a quiz.

Would it help if I said
I was having a party?

Oh, yes.

This is a party?

Man, I've been to Amish quilting bees
that were more happening than this.

And when are you appearing
at the Laugh Factory?

Candy corn?

What am I, ?

- Just give me that quiz, now.
- Okay.

Pop-quiz challenge number one:

- make me a pumpkin.
- Whatever you say.

This is not what I meant.

- You want me to hollow you out now?
- No. Turn me back, woman.

Not funny.

Come on, you have to admit
that was pretty impressive.

What if some kid
had come around with a baseball bat?

- Can I go back to the party now?
- No. I have one more question.

What?

Can I use your bathroom?

- Down the hall, on your left.
- Thank you.

Oh, now what?

Halloween carollers
from the Other Realm.

They promised me they'd be quiet
if I gave them some candy corn.

Valerie, how's the party going?

People are reading,
you'd better do something quick.

I'll be right there.

ZELDA: Heads up, lady with a plank.
- Ooh!

Mmp!

That's it.
I've tried to be a normal teenager

and have a normal social life,
but it's no use.

I might as well face it,
this party's over.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Hey, is the party still going on?
- Oh-- Absolutely. Come on in.

Thanks.

[QUIETLY]
We'll give it a few minutes.

Wow, a cool guy came to your party.

I'm a duck.

So, Sabrina, this is your party, huh?

[GIGGLING]

Yeah.

We have to get people to dance.

- Okay, let's make room.
- Okay.

[COUCH GIGGLES]

Know what? Why don't we just
dance around the furniture?

It's all the rage in New York.

[DOOR BREAKS,
SABRINA GASPS]

Oh, no.

[MUNCHING NOISILY]

Oak veneer.
I knew it wasn't the real stuff.

So how about some tunes?

Well, the stereo's kind of
on the blink right now,

but I think I have a transistor radio
somewhere in the house.

Well, you know, Libby's got a DJ at her
party. Maybe we should all go there.

GUYS: Yeah.
- No, come on, guys, stay.

We don't need music to dance.

[CHUCKLING]

Oop.

Valerie? Valerie, are you all right?

Quack once for yes, twice for no.

VALERIE: I'm okay.
The tail-feathers broke my fall.

Weird.

These look like bite marks.
What could have caused them?

COUCH:
Termites.

[GUESTS SCREAMING,
CHATTERING]

Listen, everyone, I can explain.

[MONSTERS SINGING]

And they would be...?

[RUMBLING]

[GUESTS SCREAMING]

COUCH:
Oh.

And that is...?

Cool.

Sabrina, how did you rig
all this Halloween stuff up?

It's awesome.

Oh, a little imagination
and some yarn.

It's really inventive. I mean,
everyone's done spaghetti brains,

but a river of candy corn?

Salem, nobody knows
that this stuff is real.

Excellent. Attention, kids.

I urge you
to accept me as your ruler.

Wow, the cat talks.

Say,

[SLOWLY]
"Asher. Asher."

[MIMICS ASHER]
Loser. Loser.

Cool party, Sabrina.

VALERIE:
Could someone help the duck?

I'm so glad some other people
decided to wear costumes. Ha-ha.

COUCH: Hey, thanks for
eating those termites, pal.

No problem. Taste like frog legs.

Thanks.

I think I'm suffering from
post-traumatic trick-or-treat syndrome.

That's too bad because
I've had a very restful evening.

SALEM:
This next song is ladies' choice.

I know what will make
this night really perfect.

[BAND STARTS PLAYING]

[GUESTS CHEERING]

Wow. It's the , Maniacs.

[SINGING]
On bended knee

I've looked through
Every window then

Touched the bottom

The night a sleepless day instead

A day when love came

Came easy like
What's lost now found

Beneath a blinding

Okay, so I forgot
how good this stuff is.

What are you still doing here?
Is there another quiz?

No.
In fact, I have a confession to make.

I didn't come here
to quiz you tonight.

I came because I had to work,

and, well, all my family's way
on the other side of the Realm.

And, well, I kind of
get lonely during the holidays.

That's sweet.

So, what you're saying is,
you gave me a quiz

when I was having
a nervous breakdown for no reason?

Basically.

Mind if I dance with the duck?

I crashed through mirrors

I crashed through floors
Of laughter then

Libby, you're at my party?

Please. I only came by to see
the largest gathering of weirdoes ever.

Is that , Maniacs?

Yeah. Why don't you call them
weirdoes to their faces?

Heh.

I heard her party's been
over for hours.

A bunch of kids egged her house.

And you would save me

I throw a great party.

And I held you
Like you were my child

We were, we were
We were, we were without

In doubt

We were, we were
We were, we were without

Saving for a rainy day

Rainy day