02x04 - Dante's Inferno

[bunniefuu]

Salem, those roast potatoes
came out great. Thanks for the recipe.

SALEM: Don't thank me.
Thank Graham Kerr.

I'd whip up a chocolate soufflé

if I could only get my paws
around a whisk.

Not to worry.
I'll conjure up some ice cream.

[SCREAMING]

There's an eye screaming
in the freezer.

Hilda, you asked for ice cream,
and you got an eye screaming.

I think you're coming down
with a case of punnitis.

Punnitis? Me? No way.

Probably my subconscious telling me
I've been eating too much sugar.

Lately, it's become
a real monkey on my back.

- Hello.
- Uh--

Do I have Davy Jones
of The Monkees on my back?

BOTH: Definitely.
- Okay.

Maybe I've got a touch of punnitis.

That's right. No one explain
what's going on to the apparition.

I can cancan. Can you?

So last night my dad sat me down
to talk about goals.

- Snore.
- I know.

According to my father,
my goals are: pass math,

start at least one football game,

get a part-time job,
and date other girls.

Date other girls?!

My dad says the teenage years

are for getting to know
different kinds of girls,

so that later on I'll know what
to look for in a mate.

Apparently, I'm supposed
to watch out for gold diggers.

You really want to do this?

Don't have any choice.
It's either that or military school.

I hear that builds character.

I don't know what to do. I'm trapped.

Well, I guess
we could see other people.

But just as friends.

That's perfect.

And it'll only be for a little while.

I mean, my dad comes up
with new goals for me

practically every day.

I think last week it was

getting through one lousy
dinner without a fight.

We'll still be together, right?

Right. But on the sly.

We'll be like Romeo and Juliet.

Right.

Except for the taking poison part.

Sabrina, we know Harvey's father is
a colossal boob.

But we agree with him on this one.

What? I can't believe
you're taking his side.

You're young. You should try
new things, meet new people,

have lots of wonderful experiences.

Oh. That sounds like a lot of fun.

You need to play the field.

Aunt Hilda!

Sorry. It's that darn punnitis
flaring up again.

A fine kettle of fish. Say it.

Oh, please, say it.

Listen, I know it's painful now.

But later on, when you're ready
to settle down,

you'll know what
to look for in a mate.

You've got to watch out
for gold diggers.

I already see Harvey
less than I want to.

I don't want to date anyone else.

Why don't you try a nice witch boy?

Let me say this one more time.

Harvey, Harvey, Harvey!

Oh, just give it a try.

[CHANTING]
Mortal boys we have a plenta.

For witch fellas, we need a Yenta.

Well, okay? All right.

So... Oh, sh**t.

So-- So who's looking?

- Are you okay?
- Yes, yes, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Actually, no. I just broke up
with my boyfriend.

- Is he available for Sabrina?
- Oh. Oh!

Kidding. Kidding.

- If this isn't a good time...
- No, no. It's--

It's better that I keep busy.

So...

All right, now, this guy is really cute.
He plays the cello and the flute,

- and both at the same time.
- Huh?

- Huh?
- Harvey hates classical music.

Well, then. Now, this guy,
he sails his own yacht.

And lucky for you, he just got over
his mermaid obsession, huh?

Wish I could say
the same for my ex.

Harvey gets seasick.

Look, who's getting this date,
you or this Harvey guy?

Sorry. Look...

I think I have to pass.

Oh, Sabrina, some of these boys
are pretty cute.

If I were years younger...

Yes. And still believed in love.

Look, I just want Harvey
and Harvey wants me.

Neither of us can imagine
being with anyone else.

You have a date already?

It's not really a date.

My dad set me up with the daughter
of one of his clients.

You know, the guy
who owns Señor Beef-o's?

I love that place!

But not anymore.

[GROANS]

- Are you gonna be okay?
- Me?

I'm fine. I have a date
this weekend too.

- You do?
- With who?

- You know, the guy.
- What guy?

The guy we met at the place...

What place?

The place where we...

Why aren't you good at this?!

Good at what?

So, what's new with your love life?

Things are definitely looking up.

I just got the brochure
from that convent.

Here's the deal: I need a date.
I need one now.

Okay. By the way, he called.

How about that blond guy?

- No. Taken.
- Already?

It's Friday at .
You snooze, you lose.

You hesitate, you lose a date.
You linger, you--

All right!

There must be somebody.

I have the perfect boy for you.

He's a Cyclops.

Yes, he is,
but he's a very good dancer.

He does have a tendency
to bite, though.

[PAGER BEEPING]

Look, he's got a date already.

Drag your feet,
you don't get to meet--

Just go.

I liked her better
when she was depressed.

[CHUCKLING]

Roz Chast just slays me.

I know who we can
set Sabrina up with.

Pete and Sheila's boy.
What's his name?

What's the matter?
Cat got your tongue?

Imagine the grooming possibilities.
Mmm!

Oops. Sorry.
Still got a little bit of punnitis.

Ahhh. It's got cat hair on it.

Welcome to my life.

- I remember that boy's name: Dante.
- That's it.

Oh, that's a great idea. He's adorable.
Smart, cute, laughs all the time.

- Great.
- Of course, we haven't seen him

since he was months old.

He must be your age by now.

Dante, this is the coolest
vacuum cleaner I've ever seen.

Well, it's great for flying, but it's a
little bulky for cleaning under the bed.

These guys are supposed to have the
fastest fast food this side of Limbo.

MAN: May I take your order?
- Two Gotta Go burgers.

Coming at you.

Wow.

That is fast.

- Two chocolate shakes.
- Right away.

- And we'll split an order of fries.
- Okay.

- Hey!
- Sorry. It's my first day.

Mind if I smoke?

- I really don't like cigarettes.
- I meant a ham.

I hate to say it, but we're
a million light-years from home.

- I really should be heading back.
- Oh, first...close your eyes.

I got a surprise.

Okay. Open them.

A star. It's so pretty.

I was gonna say
the same thing about you.

- What are you doing?
- I'm tired of this happening.

I want you to take
this punnitis medicine.

Stay away from me.

The last time you brewed a home
remedy, it tasted like gym shorts.

- But this is different.
- No.

Ugh!

[MOANING]

There.

Oh, I swear. Sometimes
you are such a dictator.

- Hilda...
- Oops.

Finally. Someone I can
talk baseball with.

I didn't know blind dates were
supposed to be fun.

Me neither.

[SIREN WAILING]

SALEM:
Out a little late, are we?

Get in this house
before the neighbours see.

- Good night.
- Night.

So he showed me all the
cool spots in the universe.

And then he took me
out for hamburgers.

I almost forgot.
I had them save you guys my leftovers.

How thoughtful.

And look what Dante gave me
when the date was over.

Oh, what a sweet boy.

I remember the first time
a boy gave me a star.

Next thing I knew,
three wise men were at the door.

- Well, good night.
- Good night.

Sweet dreams.

She seems so happy.

Remember how we used
to stay up Friday night

telling each other about our dates?

- We haven't done that in ages.
- I know.

We haven't in ages because
we haven't had dates in ages.

Well, at least we have each other.

Oh, my heavens,
I'm living with my sister.

I've got to call that Yenta.

- So how was your date?
- Really fun.

But now I'm worried about Harvey.

- Why?
- I don't know how he's gonna take it.

We weren't supposed to like
the people we went out with.

Oh, haven't you heard?
He had a great time too.

- He did?
- Apparently,

his date's a model or something.
Isn't that...not particularly

good information?

Hey, Sabrina. You gonna
finish that burrito?

I had a great time on my date too.

Oh. Good.

This is silly. I mean, we can like
other people and still like each other.

You're right. I mean, we're just
doing this for our parents anyway.

We're being awfully grown-up
about this, huh?

[MUFFLED]
Very mature.

- So, what's she like?
- Okay. What's he like?

Okay.

Hey, since we're being
so mature about this,

how about the next time we go
on blind dates, we go together?

Double date? Great idea.

Looks like everyone's a winner.

- Oh.
- Excuse me.

I have to go listen to one
of my mom's Janis Ian albums.

You sure you're all right with this?

- Absolutely. I'd love to meet...
- Jean.

Jean. "Jean"?

I never liked the name Jean.

I never cared for the name Mildred.

I'm curious to see
what she's like, but "Jean"?

I mean, Jean's not a name.
It's a pair of pants.

Actually, I think
Jean's a very lovely name.

[SINGING]
Cheer up, Sleepy Jean

Oh, what can it mean
To a

Daydream believer
And a homecoming queen

What are you doing here?
Nobody made a pun.

Are you asking me?

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Keep it down.
We've got company.

So, what do you say you and I
go out, cruise for chicks?

No.

- Dante, come in.
- Hey, how you doing?

You look great. Wow.
Better lock my vacuum.

[ALARM CHIRPS]

So feel like going bowling?

Why not? There's a first
for everything.

You've never gone bowling before?

Are you kidding me? I've never even
been in the mortal realm before.

Oh, this can't be good.

So this is an authentic
mortal realm house, huh?

- Man, you guys must laugh all day.
- Yeah.

Light switches, wallpaper--

- My sides hurt all the time.
- Heh.

There's something you should know.
You can't use any magic down here.

- You're kidding.
- I'm serious.

Hey, it's your world.
I'm just bowling in it.

- And these are?
- Stairs.

- Yeah, I knew that.
- But you have to walk down them.

Get out.

Wait here. I'll grab my bag.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, I can handle this.

Whoa!

[THUDDING]

You can still bowl, right?

Let me get this.
You're supposed to roll the ball

and hit all those pins
without using magic?

Yep.

I don't think it's gonna catch on.

- So who are we meeting here?
- My friend Harvey

and his date, Jean.

Jean goes to private school.
Probably has her own credit card.

One of those little Miss Perfects.

Yeah. So you two have had
your share of run-ins?

No. We've never met.

Hey, Sabrina. This is Jean.

It is so nice to meet you.

- And this is Dante.
- Hey, cool name.

[QUIETLY]
Jean's awful. Let's encase her in mud.

- No magic.
- I don't like the guy either.

Leave them alone.

So how about I get everybody
a soda?

Ooh!

Walk much?

I think you have a lot of choices.

Look, I have to go.
I have to meet someone.

- Oh, your old boyfriend?
- No. My therapist.

Now, suffice it to say

that a -year-old man
who washes dogs for a living

is not exactly someone that you
want to stake your future on.

So enjoy.

On your mark, get set, drool.

[REMOTE CONTROL CLICKS]

Hi. My name is Steve. I'm years
old. I have my Ph.D. in astronomy.

- Loser.
- I'm the one looking for a date.

- Why don't you go wait in the kitchen?
- I'll be quiet.

Out. Now.

[REMOTE CONTROL CLICKS]

Hi. I'm Jerry.

I'm an attorney.

And I guess the best thing
about me is that...

HILDA'S VOICE:
I'm a big fat dweeb.

Hilda!

So it was our third date, and Harvey
took me to a pizza-eating contest.

Two large pizzas in minutes,
including the crust.

We won second prize.
A free calzone.

To this day, whenever I burp,
it smells like pepperoni.

Impressive.

I forgot to tell you.
His father's in the circus.

I'm Larry, and I'm writing
my dissertation

on the Roman poet Catullus.

But on weekends
I like to cut loose with haiku.

He doesn't seem so bad.

[REMOTE CONTROL CLICKS]

A big hello
to all the ladies out there.

The name's Salem.
But you can call me Dr. Love.

What are you doing in there?

Hey, I got wants and needs
that a scratching post just can't fulfil.

Man, that hologram
makes me look fat.

Hey. You want me
to get your bowling shoes?

- Thanks. That'd be great.
- Don't bother.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

DANTE: I already got her some.
- Right.

- I didn't realize you're such a bowler.
- Oh, yeah. I bowl a lot,

at home.

Really?
Well, we'd better get our stuff.

- Cut it out.
- Lighten up.

I'm just trying
to keep myself amused.

These mortals are boring.

Hey, I'm half mortal, you know.

Really? You don't look it.

Who's next?

Hi. My name's Ron.

I guess my biggest achievement
is my Nobel Prize in science.

But I'm not a nerd.
I also have one in literature.

And I do have a dark side.

I've got my fair share
of parking tickets.

Ohhh. Sounds dangerous.

This is the guy for me.

He's smart, he's attractive
and he's exciting.

What do you guys think?

[IN UNISON]
Snore.

[BOWLING PINS
KNOCKING DOWN]

All right! Dante, you're up.

[GRUNTS]

Don't worry. You'll get the hang of it.

- How did you do that?
- Just do it the way I did it.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

[GASPS]

- Don't worry. You'll get the hang of it.
- I've never seen anything like that.

Except on The Flintstones.

Flowers? Champagne?

What did you bring for Zelda?

I hope your sister's
half as much fun as you.

Half's about right.

Zelda. Ron's here!

What do you think?

He's cute, funny.

He's a real dear.

I'm so sorry.

There's something
very wrong with you.

You're still going out with him?

Yes. We're going to see
My Best Friend's Wedding.

- Enough?
- You couldn't beat me

if you had three arms.

Oh, that so, huh?

- Uhn!
- Man, that was weird.

[MAGIC BLASTS]

JEAN:
Look at that.

Oh!

HARVEY: I told my dad
these were cheap hats.

Aunt Hilda?

Oh, hi.

I was hungry for some cereal.
Tried to conjure a bowl.

You gotta help me. Dante's out of
control. He won't stop using magic.

Harvey!

Say, have you tried using
a power-outage spell?

Ooh. Good idea.

Do you think they serve
corn flakes here?

Best be heading home.

Good thing I wasn't in the mood
for a Baked Alaska, huh?

HILDA:
sh**t! Man, is it cold here.

[CHANTING] You haven't been nice,
You haven't been cordial,

So for the next five minutes
You're gonna be mortal

[BALL HITS FLOOR]

Hey, you gave me a power outage.

It's a time-out, mister.

[BALL ROLLING]

[BOWLING PINS KNOCKING DOWN]

[GIRLS CHEER]

That makes it to .

You want to go double or nothing?

In a sec. Four-fifty-eight, : ...

Five minutes!

Spell's over. It's party time.

Oh, no. Time for plan B.

Oh, no. There is no plan B.

- Mmm!
- Your hat's slipping.

Harvey! Sabrina!

I'm beginning to get
a real feel for this game.

No!

- Dante?
- What?

- Date's over.
- Fine. I'm out of here.

What's the point in hanging out with
mortals if you can't t*rture them?

Hooh. I am done with hats for a while.

Where'd Harvey go?

Uh-- He went home.
Forgot to feed his fish.

I can't believe he'd just leave me.
What kind of guy would do that?

We just went over that. Harvey.

He said he was sorry.

I thought he really liked me.

Sorry. Gotta go.

Mm, mm.

Cheese. Cheese good. Mmm.

- He seems sort of dumb.
- He's a pinhead.

[CHANTING]
Rock and rubble,

Thunder and wind,

Release this poor schlub
From his bowling pin

- How'd I get here?
- Whew!

Hi, Sabrina. Mm-hm.

Cheese good. Mm.

There's a little
residual pinheadedness.

Harvey, you look tired.
Maybe you should go home.

- "Home." Hmm.
- Yeah.

Sabrina, we have to apologize.

I'm sorry we set you up with Dante,
that antimortal creep.

He turned out to be nothing
but a big bonehead.

Hey.

And they say all puns are bad. Heh.

Come on.
I got my school pictures tomorrow.

- Great news. I finally got a date.
- See? It was just a matter of time.

A third cousin's okay, right?

[CHUCKLING]

- Sure. See you.
- Bye.

- Hey.
- Hey, how you doing?

Have you talked to Jean?

I keep calling, but she doesn't
answer the phone.

What'd I do wrong?

[PHONE RINGS]

Oh.

Hello?

Harvey, it's for you.

Hello? Jean?

Harvey?

This is weird. I don't even remember
dialling the phone.

But I have been thinking about you.

Really? Me too.

DAVY JONES [SINGING]:
I'll love you this year

I'll love you next year

And then forever

I promised myself I wouldn't cry.

I'll always need you

I'll never leave you

I'll love you forever

You know, these kind of things
never happen to Peter Tork.

Why are you smiling?
It's a sad song.

Because I have a date.

With who?

Are you ready, love?

Could we go to a restaurant?

You know, it's been three days,
and nobody's fed me.

Okay. Oh, we've got it.
One last time.

After three, this leg to the left.

- Got it.
- It's like line dancing.

You ready? One, two, three.

- Ow.
- Oh, sorry.

Davy, do I have
to do this next to her?

That's all right. We had this
problem with Micky and Mike,

but it all worked out. Are you ready?
You ready, ladies?

Here-- Here we go. One more time.
Wait a minute. One thing.

Who's got their hand on my bum?

That would be me.

One, two, three. Ready.

I really hope none
of my friends come over.

Can I go home now?