03x16 - The Kissing Burglar

[bunniefuu]

[Barney] Wouldn't you swear that was Fred running down the road?

Barney, help me! Ow!

-Fred, this way. BETTY: Yeah, Fred. Hop on.

Come back here, you creep.

That was that Kissing Burglar's wife.

If the burglar's wife was outside your house, the burglar must be close.

That's right. Step on it, Barney. Wilma's in danger.

[screeches]

Yabba-dabba-doo!

♪ Flintstones, meet the Flintstones They're the modern Stone Age family ♪

♪ From the town of Bedrock They're a page right out of history ♪

♪ Let's ride with the family down the street Through the courtesy of Fred's two feet ♪

♪ When you're with the Flintstones ♪

♪ Have a yabba-dabba-doo time, A dabba-doo time ♪

♪ We'll have a gay old time ♪

[snoring]

Oh, Henry!

What's the matter? Kiss me again, Henry.

Go to sleep, Gladys. You're having a nightmare.

Huh? Didn't you just kiss me? Are you kidding?

Well, someone did. And there he goes.

He's getting away, darn it!

Hey! It's the Kissing Burglar. We've been robbed. Stop, thief!

Come back, you crook! Any time.

Help! Police! He's getting away. Stop that thief.

Oh, no, you don't.

Stop him! Help! Thief!

I caught him with the goods!

Hey, pipe down, will you? What's all the racket about?

It's the Kissing Burglar. Just robbed my house and kissed my wife.

Need any help? No, he did it all by himself.

Got away from me, though. I'm sorry to wake you. Good night.

[grumbling] Sorry to wake me, he says. Take me all night to get back to sleep.

[snoring]

Fred, what was all that noise?

Nothing. Go back to sleep, Wilma.

That was the noisiest nothing I ever heard.

Oh, some guy down the street got robbed by the Kissing Burglar.

Good night, Wilma. Good night, Fred.

The Kissing Burglar? In our neighborhood? Oh! How thrilling.

Hold it. Where do you think you're going?

To call Betty and tell her the good news.

At 3:00 in the morning? Go back to bed!

I don't care if we're being invaded by giant purple dinosaurs.

The news can wait. I got to get some sleep.

Good night. Good night, Fred.

Fred, I have something to tell you.

All right. Say it, and then let me get back to sleep.

It wasn't important. Forget it.

[groans] Wilma.

Well, if you must know, I've been thinking about the Kissing Burglar.

You know, how romantic he is and what a gentleman.

Oh, sure he is.

He raises his hand and says, "May I?" Before he steals you blind.

What's wrong with you, Wilma?

[snoring]

I don't know, Fred. The whole idea is so charming.

He always leaves a rose, kisses the lady. They say he has a mustache that tickles.

So it's worth being robbed for a few laughs?

Are you nuts, Wilma? The guy's a crook, remember?

I know I'm being silly, but I had to tell you what I was thinking.

Good night, Fred. Good night.

So that's what you've been thinking, huh?

Fred, it's late. Try to get some sleep.

Well, you started this. Pleasant dreams, Fred.

Oh, well. You lie there and tell me you can't get the romantic Kissing Burglar out of your mind, and then you just fall asleep and expect me to forget it.

Well, I want to say this, Wilma. I...

Wilma, wake up and finish the argument.

[groans] Why can't someone invent something for us guys to marry besides women?

Which brings us to Friday, when he worked his way down Bedrock Boulevard.

Bedrock Boulevard.

And last night, he hit Rocky Way. Rocky Way.

And that brings us right up to date. Okay, Needles, you can go now.

What am I supposed to do for a winter coat this year? Buy mink?

There's no doubt about it, Betty.

According to his pattern, Cobblestone Lane is next.

You're right, Wilma. He's working straight as an arrow.

And it's pointed straight at us.

Don't worry, girls. We will protect you.

Uh, tell them what we'll do to that burglar if we catch him, Fred.

[snoring]

Huh? [stammering] Kiss him.

Huh?

Gee, Wilma, I'd love to see him in person.

So would I, Betty, but there's not much chance of that.

What would he steal? You have a point there.

Fred and Barney haven't exactly showered us with expensive presents.

[Wilma] Oh, I don't know.

Fred gave me a ring yesterday. He did?

[Wilma] Mm-hm. He called me on the phone.

[chuckling]

Ha, ha. Very funny.

First you keep me awake all night, talking about that Kissing Burglar.

Now you say I never gave you anything good enough to steal.

Oh, Fred, we were only kidding. Yeah, calm down, Fred.

Well, I'm not. What about this?

Hold on to it, Fred. I'll k*ll it for you.

What is it, for heaven's sake? That was my ninth anniversary present.

Yeah. Yeah, but what is it? It's a genuine Alaskan tibbar stole.

That's what it is.

"Alaskan tibbar"? That's "rabbit" spelled backwards.

Shall we change the subject, Fred? How about a nice snack in the kitchen?

I don't want no snack.

Boy, this must be serious. Fred refusing to eat?

Sheesh.

[Wilma] Come on, Betty. I'll make you a sandwich.

I never see you wearing this fur, Wilma. Why don't you ever wear it?

You don't really want me to answer that, do you?

How can you say I never gave you an expensive present, when I gave you this?

Expensive? That cheap thing? It was not cheap. I spent $9.

You shouldn't have reminded me, Fred. $9 for nine years of washing your clothes, cooking your meals, ironing your shirts, polishing your bowling ball, raising your children. Hey, uh, you don't have any children.

Well, what do you expect for $1 a year?

How do you like that? Another comedienne. Yeah, yeah.

Women used to be happy making beds. Now they got to make jokes.

Come on, Barney. Let's go. Where are you going?

Out for a walk. I want to be alone with Barney.

[Wilma] Wait a minute. Here's your snack. Oh. Yeah, thanks.

Honestly, Fred. We were just having a little fun.

Wilma, when we got married, I promised to take you for better or worse.

No one said anything about fun. Come on, Barney.

Boy, are they acting childish.

Yeah. Do you ever get the feeling we're robbing the cradle?

Like mother always said. "Men will be boys."

Some women are never satisfied.

She wanted a fur, so I gave her one. Marked down a little, but in good condition.

Uh, Wilma don't think so. She don't even think a burglar would steal it.

Shows how much she knows.

Any good burglar would jump at a chance to steal that stole.

Then she'd be sorry, huh, Fred?

Barney, that's it! What's it, Fred?

Wilma's dying to meet the Kissing Burglar, right?

Right. So I'll disguise myself as him, and show her that meeting a robber face to face is no romantic adventure.

I don't know, Fred. If Wilma don't act like you think she ought to, you'll get mad.

Barney, I know my Wilma. She'll scream for help.

I'll jump out of the window, tear off the disguise, and run back in to rescue her.

Uh, I don't know, Fred. It's a perfect plan.

Come on. Wilma learns a lesson, and I've heard the last of the romantic Kissing Burglar.

Gee, uh, I don't know, Fred.

"Romantic Kissing Burglar", huh? You're a creepy headline grabber.

And it's gonna stop right now. Do I make myself clear?

Quite clear, my dear, but... Shut up.

Look at them bills, buster.

Roses ain't cheap, you know. I realize that, my pet.

Shut up! Why did I have to get hitched up with a kissing creep who gives away roses?

I could've married Sammy the safecracker, or Freddie the fence, or Pete the pickpocket.

Good, honest crooks.

But, angel... Shut up.

From now on, you use the good old-fashioned methods, pure and simple robbery. No roses and no kissing.

I got to go out now. And get rid of the flowers.

Yes, dear, if you insist. Goodbye.

Sometimes I wonder why I love her so.

Honestly, Betty, I can't afford these prices.

I know what you mean.

Wouldn't it be nice if our husbands were rich instead of, uh...

Handsome?

[both giggling]

Oh, well. Fred says someday he will be rich, and then he'll shower me with diamonds and furs.

Well, if he does, you better pick them out. I've seen his taste in fur.

He means well, and it never hurts to dream.

Uh-uh. I can see the story in the paper now.

"Fred Flintstone, who has just inherited a million dollars, is showering his wife, Wilma, with a large collection of priceless diamonds and furs."

Fred Flintstone. Flintstone. I'll find the address in the phone book.

Then that no-good husband of mine is gonna do it my way.

The caper's tonight. You got it, Sam?

Sure, Fred, but it's not Sam. It's me, your pal, Barney.

Oh! Oh! I get it, the plan. Uh, everything's straight, Nate.

Uh, I get you out of the house with a phone call.

Then I take Betty to a movie so Wilma will be all alone.

Check. I change into my disguise at your house, and...

Who are you talking to, Fred? And...

No, thanks, Barney.

Wilma and I don't want to go to the movies tonight.

We're, uh, going to spend a nice, quiet evening at home.

Well, cheerio, my love. I'm off to work now.

Hold it. Here's where I want you to work tonight.

323 Cobblestone Lane.

Some guy named Fred Flintstone just struck it rich.

Yes, dear.. And remember, no kissing and no...

[sniffing]

What's that I smell?

Nothing but your own sweet fragrance, my buttercup.

Okay, wise guy, hand it over. Uh, but, pet, it's my last. I promise.

One for the road, you might say. Right now.

Yes, dear.

And this will be your neck if I find lipstick on you tonight.

Now get out there and steal like a man. Yes, my sweet.

I don't trust that creep.

I'm going to follow him and see if he obeys orders.

Nothing like a nice, quiet evening at home, huh, Wilma?

[Wilma] Mm-hm. [typewriter clacking]

What are you doing? Typing some letters.

Oh. [typewriter chimes]

Was that the phone? No, Fred, that was the typewriter bell.

[stammering] I thought I heard the phone.

My, you're nervous. Are you expecting a call?

No. Why do you say that?

[phone ringing] I'll get it! It's for me.

[ringing continues]

[gasping] Saved by the bell. I'm bushed.

Hello, Barn. Uh...

Oh. Joe Rockhead. What?

I have to come down to the lodge tonight, Joe?

But Wilma and I were, uh... All right, if it's that important.

Yeah, I'll be right there.

Guess who just called.

Joe Rockhead, and he wants you to go down to the lodge. Bye, Fred.

Joe Rockhead. He wants me to go down to the...

Oh. You heard. I don't like to leave you alone, Wilma.

Dangerous criminals are running around.

Don't be silly, Fred. You run along. I'll be all right.

Wilma, you're a brave girl. Goodbye.

Now what's he up to?

Gladys and Joe Rockhead left for their vacation two days ago.

[phone ringing]

That's the phone again. Don't go away, Punchie. I'll be right back.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure.

Hello?

[Betty] Wilma, something funny is going on between Barney and Fred.

Yes, I noticed.

Barney insisted I go to the movies tonight.

And when we left, I looked back and saw Fred sneaking into our house, carrying some clothes and a rose.

A rose, huh? And he made very sure I was alone tonight.

Sounds like he's on one of his somebody's-got-to-be-taught-a-lesson kicks.

What are you going to do?

Let somebody be taught a lesson, and you know who.

I'll make an excuse to Barney and get right back.

I don't want to miss this.

Boy, will I teach Wilma a lesson she'll never forget.

[door opens]

[Fred in foreign accent] Pardon me, madam. Please don't move.

Who's there?

Don't scream. I won't harm you if you cooperate.

What do you want?

Your valuables, my dear, and perhaps a little kiss.

[laughing]

Oh! Then you must be the romantic Kissing Burglar.

Quite right.

I am he, but don't be alarmed. I'm not.

I had a feeling you would come here tonight.

I hate to disappoint you, big boy, but I don't have any valuables.

Just little old me.

Oh.

But surely a beautiful lady like you must have a generous husband.

A fur, perhaps? My husband's a cheapskate.

[in normal voice] He is not!

[in foreign accent] Uh, I mean, is that so?

But you're just as handsome as I thought you'd be.

Uh, don't scream. It won't help you.

Who's screaming? I've been dying to meet you.

Enough of this small talk. Your valuables, instantly.

Okay, but it's a waste of time.

This is it. Instant valuables. What do you think of it?

A-ha! I knew it. This is beautiful. Exquisite.

And obviously worth more than your husband paid for it.

So wear it in good health. It's too, too beautiful, madam.

I can't deprive you of this priceless possession.

Sure you can. Try.

I don't know what to say. Say goodbye and give me my rose.

[stammering] Uh, yes.

Au revoir, my dear.

Um, aren't you forgetting something? "Forgetting something," madam?

Mm!

You don't want to kiss a perfect stranger... do you? Don't mind if I do.

Why, that two-timing creep. I warned him.

You're the most perfect stranger I ever met.

[Fred in normal voice] Help!

Come back here, you creepy crook.

I warned you. Now you're going to get it.

Ah! Hey, what's going on?

Gee, Betty, I don't know why you wouldn't stay to see the movie.

Because I'd rather watch The Late Show at home.

Well, Fred's not going to like it. I mean, sure you won't change your mind?

Positive. And hurry, Barney. I don't want to miss anything.

[laughing]

Poor Fred. I'll never forget the look on his face.

But he's so sweet.

[door opens]

[Kissing Burglar] Pardon me, madam. Please don't move.

Oh, honestly, not again.

Don't scream. I won't hurt you if you cooperate.

Well, what do you want? Your valuables, my dear.

Oh, you forgot to say, "Perhaps a little kiss. Heh-heh-heh"

I beg your pardon?

Okay, Fred, the game's over. Now take off that getup and act your age.

[gasps] You're not Fred! Well, no. Actually, I'm...

The Kissing Burglar for real. Help! Fred, help! [screams]

No, no, no. Stop it, please. Help, Fred! [screams]

Oh, I can't stand loud voices. Nerves all shot. My wife, you know.

Oh, I'm sorry. I won't scream anymore.

Oh, thank you. That's awfully sporting of you, madam.

Don't know what got into me. First time I ever went to pieces on a job.

You've probably been working too hard.

Here. Lie down on the couch and rest awhile.

Thank you, madam. Unprofessional of me, though.

Bad show and all that. My analyst warned me. Said it could happen anytime.

You poor man. Why not tell me about it?

How did you come to this life of crime?

Well, it all started when I was a little chap. Not more than four, I should say.

Uh, Barney, don't you think we should stop in and make sure Wilma's okay?

Well, how come?

Well, with that burglar running around, and Fred down at the lodge...

Oh, Fred's not at the lodge. I mean...

Uh-huh. Where is he tonight? I'm no tattletale.

You mean you won't tell me, your own wife, that Fred dressed up as the Kissing Burglar to teach Wilma a lesson?

In that case, I won't tell you that Wilma knows all about it and is probably laughing at him right now.

Oh, I don't know about that. Fred may have convinced her.

He's a pretty good actor, you know. Barney, look.

[Barney] Wouldn't you swear that was Fred running down the road?

Barney, help me! Ow!

Barney, it is Fred. Let's help him. Okay, Betty.

Hey, Fred, this way. [Betty] Yeah, Fred. Hop on.

Come back here, you creep.

Thanks, Barney. Don't mention it, Fred.

That was that Kissing Burglar's wife. Oh, Fred.

If the burglar's wife was outside your house, the burglar must be somewhere close.

That's right. Step on it, Barney. Wilma's in danger.

Well, Doctor... Mrs. Flintstone, what do you think?

No doubt about it.

You need a good, long rest in a nice, quiet cell, with no one to bother you.

Oh, I say, that sounds wonderful. Could you possibly arrange it?

Sure. I'll call the police right now, if you like.

Oh, please do. You're very kind, dear lady.

Barney, can't you go any faster? Only if I use my auxiliary motor.

Well, use it! Okay, Fred.

Ah, delightful. Really, Mrs. Flintstone, if there's anything I can do to show my appreciation...

[tires screeching]

Hold on.

There may be.

It's my husband. Help me put on an act to make him jealous. Put on your mask.

It would be a pleasure, my dear.

Oh! Kissing Burglar, you're back. Oh! Oh!

He's in there. Hold on, Wilma! I'll save you.

Unhand that woman, you creepy crook. He must know my wife.

Okay, burglar, you asked for it. Oh, go away, Fred.

All right, you guys. Break it up.

Hey, there's two of them.

This is the guy we want. I'd know that sneaky look anywhere.

You see, Betty? I told you Fred was a good actor.

All right, buster. Down to the hoosegow with you.

Wait a minute. I'm not the Kissing Burglar.

Tell them, Wilma. Well, lady, how about it?

Goodness, I'm all confused. He told me he was the Kissing Burglar.

[Fred] Wilma!

Okay, bub. Come along.

Wait a minute. Barney, tell them the plan.

Plan? Oh, yeah. Sure, Fred.

Well, you see, officers, he put his Kissing Burglar disguise on over at my place, and then when Wilma here, that's Mrs. Flintstone, was alone...

[Fred] Oh, boy.

Now, just one moment, gentlemen. This fellow is obviously an impostor.

I'm the chap you want. All right. I don't care who it is, but one of you has got to come along with me.

Arrivederci, my dear lady.

Au revoir, do svidanja, hasta la vista, tallyho, and all that sort of thing.

It's been simply delightful.

Oh!

I do hope you can arrange a cell with southern exposure.

On the second floor, if possible. I'll need absolute quiet, you know.

Well, I'm glad that's over. Wilma, what an adventure.

Thank goodness you're safe. You sure acted brave, Wilma. Heh.

Aren't you happy I'm safe, Fred? Yeah, sure.

I'm happy that you and that creepy burglar got to be such good friends.

I'm hysterical.

Well, someone had to teach you a lesson about teaching other people a lesson.

[Fred] Oh, that.

Shame on you, Fred, dressing up in this outfit and scaring me half to death.

I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'm a heel.

Mm. That's all right, Fred. I forgive you.

Come on, Barney, let's go home. Everything's back to normal.

Yep. Tomorrow's another day.

What a night.

[Fred] Yeah.

Good night, Wilma.

[sighs]

What are you doing with that rose? Saving it as a memento, Fred.

Good night, dear. Good night.

Memento of what? My adventure tonight.

Now get some sleep, Fred. Yeah, okay.

I was the one who gave you that rose. I know.

Wilma, are you sure? Sure of what?

That you knew it was me all along? Yes, dear.

Now go to sleep.

That's not how you kissed me when you thought I was the Kissing Burglar.

Oh, honestly, Fred. Go to sleep.

Wilma, once and for all.

Did you or did you not know it was me when you kissed me?

Really, Fred. Would I kiss a perfect stranger?

I don't know. I just don't know.

♪ Flintstones, meet the Flintstones They're the modern Stone Age family ♪

♪ From the town of Bedrock They're a page right out of history ♪

♪ Someday, maybe Fred will win the fight Then that cat will stay out for the night ♪

♪ When you're with the Flintstones ♪

♪ Have a yabba-dabba-doo time, A dabba-doo time ♪

♪ We'll have a gay old time ♪

♪ We'll have a gay old time ♪ Wilma!