02x29 - Divided We Sail

[bunniefuu]

I see it, but I don't believe it.

It's true. We hit another houseboat.

[engine rumbles, then tires screech]

[officer] Okay, what happened?

That landlubber tried to make a starboard turn without sticking his hand out.

Don't call me a landlubber, you landlubber.

I've been a sailor for over three weeks.

[horn honks]

[whistle chirps]

[siren wailing]

[whistle chirps]

[whistle blowing]

Mailman.

Oh! Mr. Emery, you're early this morning.

Yep. Just the light mail today. Uh, let's see now.

Here's a circular for you, Mrs. Flintstone.

Oh, those old things.

And a post card from your aunt in Little Rock.

Her arthritis has been bugging her. She's got aphids in her pansies.

And she sent you a recipe for rutabaga pie that sounds good.

Oh, thank you. Don't mention it.

After you copy it, maybe you'll let me borrow it for the missus.

I'm getting sick and tired of her marble cake.

Why? Most husbands like marble cake.

With real marbles?

Uh, here's something for Mr. Flintstone.

Oh? It's a ticket of some kind.

"Admit one to broadcast, The Prize Is Priced."

Yep.

That's that TV show you win all the prizes if you guess their price.

I know, I never miss it. Wonder why they sent it to Fred.

But Fred doesn't know anything about the prices of anything, does he, Wilma?

Of course not. That's why I'm gonna go in his place.

Women are much better at guessing prices.

Especially the kind of prizes they have on that program: furs, jewelry, and household appliances.

Oh, gee. I wish Barney could get a ticket.

Speaking of appliances, I could use a new washing machine.

Look at this one. It's on its last legs. Close the lid.

That air is cold after you've been in the water.

Last week on The Prize Is Priced program they had an all-a*t*matic combination drink mixer, food chopper, garbage disposal, and dishwasher. [laughs]

I've already got a combination drink mixer, food chopper, garbage disposal, and dishwasher.

His name is Fred.

[giggling]

Oh, Wilma, it would be nice if you could get on the program.

What do you think Fred will say when you tell him you're gonna use his ticket?

He'll say, uh, "Are you out of your mind?"

Are you out of your mind?

But, Fred, you said yourself you didn't know anything about the cost of things.

Don't you remember last time you went to the supermarket? You...

I said I didn't know where they got their prices.

I know a lot about the cost of things.

Besides, it wouldn't be honest, you going to The Prize Is Priced on my ticket.

It says right on it, "Fred Flintstone."

All we'd have to do is carve a little "Mrs." in front of it.

And then, I could get on and win a lot of the things we need.

No, N-O, negative.

Absolutely, positively N-O-T.

What are you trying to say, Fred? I'm saying you can't do it.

If anybody's gonna go on the program and win a lot of prizes, it's me.

That's telling her, Freddie-boy. You'll show how smart us men are.

And, uh, what do you care if 30 million people are watching you tonight, and you make a big fool of yourself?

[laughing]

Uh... thirty million people watching me? Yep.

The Prize Is Priced is one of the top 10 TV shows.

Hey, I'll bet your boss is looking in tonight.

Mr. Slate?

Sure. You have to give his company a plug so if you win, it'll make him proud of you.

Of course, if you turn out stupid, it will give the firm a black eye.

But, uh, I wouldn't worry, you only got one chance in a thousand of being picked.

Yeah, but suppose they do pick me as a contestant and I don't guess any of the prices?

So you can always get another job.

It'll be much easier than getting another wife.

Hey, uh, Wilma's gonna be pretty sore if you don't bring something home.

Gosh. 30 million people watching... [gulps]... me.

Oh, that's the TV audience.

There's only about 2,500 screaming people in the studio audience.

You mean, I'll be up there looking foolish in front of all those strangers?

Don't worry about strangers.

All you got to think about is not losing the friends watching.

I mean, who likes to be associated with a dope, right?

Almost time for the program. Do you suppose Fred got on the panel?

He better have.

[man] And now, Gypsum and Caveman present The Prize Is Priced.

[studio audience cheering and whistling]

[man] Here is your genial master of ceremonies, smiling Will Carson.

[cheering and whistling continues]

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I called you "ladies and gentlemen."

I've forgotten some of your names.

[studio audience laughing hysterically]

And welcome to another session of The Prize Is Priced.

And now, let's meet our contestants.

First, the big winner from last week, the little old retired schoolteacher who's won a total of $14,000.

Miss Agatha Agate.

[audience applauding]

Well, Agatha, how do you feel tonight?

I feel like winning some more loot, Will.

I see. What are you going to do, with the little red sports car you won last week?

Are you kidding?

I'm racing with it. Won three drags already.

They're calling me "Lead-Foot" Aggie. Vroom! Vroom-vroom-vroom!

Queen of the hot rods. [sputtering]

Uh, fine.

Now let's meet the two new challengers chosen from our studio audience tonight.

Oh, I hope it's Fred.

[Carson] First, an unemployed plumber from Pebble Beach, Mr. John Sludge.

Darn. I bet Fred didn't make it. Shh.

And how do you feel tonight, Mr. Sludge?

Well, Will, I'm unemployed, you know, and I have a tough time taking care of those 11 little helpless children, and one sweet little missus at home.

So I'm sure hoping I can win something useful uh, like a set of golf clubs or a trip around the world.

A good time to go, Will. I'm not working, you know.

Fine. And now...

Of course, I'll take cash, Will, if it won't put me in a higher income bracket.

Fine, and now let's...

They always give me cash on that other program, uh, Beat the Sundial.

Thank you, Mr. Sludge.

Now let's meet our third contestant, the geological engineer, Mr. Fred Flintstone.

Oh, Wilma, Fred made it.

Betty, that isn't Fred.

How do you feel tonight, Mr. Flintstone?

To tell the truth, Will, I don't feel like, uh, myself. [laughing]

Ha, ha. Why don't you feel like yourself tonight, Mr. Flintstone?

Because I'm Barney Rubble, a friend of poor Mr. Flintstone.

I don't understand. "Poor Mr. Flintstone"?

Yep. He's allergic to crowds, Will.

And at the very last minute he got sick. Chickened out, I think they call it.

But like a good friend, I, Barney Rubble, am prepared to win a lot of loot in Fred's place, Will.

Well, how do you like that?

After Fred wouldn't let me go on his ticket.

Wilma, this will be a disaster.

The only figures Barney can keep in his head are the contestants in the Miss Neanderthal contest.

Big, brave Fred having stage fright.

Can you imagine? Oh!

-Here comes our first prize now, -[audience oohs and aahs] this luxurious, genuine, wild, extinct schminkasaurus stole styled by I.J. Wolf, famous furrier who's been in the skin game for quite some time. [chuckles]

Beautiful, isn't it? How'd you like to take that home, Barney?

Love to, but I'm a married man. Yuk-yuk-yuk!

"Yuk-yuk," yuck!

I'll skin him if he muffs it.

What do you think, Agatha?

Ball of fire, Will. I sure need a fur.

Gets cold riding in my sports car. I bid 2,000.

[Carson] Fine. Mr. Sludge, what's your bid?

I'd just love to take that coat home to my pitiful little wife.

I bid, uh, 2,500.

[Carson] All righty. Now your bid, Barney.

[audience] Higher! Higher!

I'll say, uh, "Higher, higher."

You have to be more specific.

And if you go over the retail price, you can't win.

Oh, well, in that case, I'll say, uh, $3,278.69.

Oh, wouldn't it be wonderful if I won?

Uh, I don't want to say anything, Betty, but what do you mean, "you"?

I mean, uh, after all, it was Fred's ticket.

Well, yes, but it's our guesses that are winning the schminkasaurus fur.

Well, we'll see. Maybe we can work out something.

The prices are all in. I wonder who's going to steal the stole.

[laughing]

And here is the retail price, $3,278 and 68 cents.

[audience] Aww!

I'm sorry, Mr. Rubble, but you went over the prize price.

The schminkasaurus stole goes to John Sludge.

You mean that I...? Oh, Will, that's wonderful!

I'm so excited. Yippee!

Please. Keep hold of yourself!

[laughing hysterically] I won! I won!

I'm so happy! I won! I won!

[Carson] Please! That's enough!

I'm sorry, Will. I just got carried away.

It's just that...

Gosh, this is only the 24th thing I ever won on these panel shows.

Wait a minute. Uh, where are my trading stamps?

Well, there goes both of our stoles, Wilma.

I'm sorry. I must have sounded awful. It was silly to be so selfish.

It's okay, Betty. Me too.

It shows you how even good friends can be split by greed.

Right. Whatever Barney wins from now on is both of ours, okay?

We could learn from the boys too. They're good losers.

Look how calm Barney's taking it.

Our next item is a blind bid.

What price do you put on a complete sporting outfit?

Ladies first.

A complete sporting outfit? Ha, ha! You're tricky, Will.

That could be anything from a bikini bathing suit to the whole New Rock Yankee baseball team.

Well, I need them both. So I'll start high.

[audience] Higher! Higher! Higher!

700 bucks.

Will, I've got a complete outfit at home already, but, uh, I could use any kind of sporting equipment.

I'm unemployed, you know.

I'll say, uh, $800.

[Carson] 700.800. Uh, Mr. Rubble?

[audience] Higher! Higher! Higher!

Well, uh, I'll just put in my two cents and...

[Carson] Two cents! The bidding's closed. But...

Now let's just see what this complete sporting outfit consists of.

[laughing] Aren't we devils? Oh!

It's a fishing outfit. A bamboo pole, a pin, and a five-pound box of bait.

Retail value, 47 cents.

And Mr. Rubble wins! [alarm blaring]

Oh! That means you've also won the surprise prize, Mr. Rubble!

Open the curtains, please.

[audience oohs and aahs]

[audience applauding]

[Carson] Yes, Mr. Rubble.

A brand-new Clayifornia modern split-level ranch-style houseboat complete with contour bunks, wall-to-wall bearskin, ceramic-tiled rumpus room, and to power your aqua home over the foam you have a pair of Johnstone sea horse outboard motors.

[neighing]

[Carson] And motors that develop almost four sea-horsepower on high-octane plankton.

And to roll your new houseboat down to the sea this beautiful trailer, tailored for the sailor by Shaylor.

Plus a genuine captain's hat.

The whole schmeer is yours, Barney Rubble from The Prize Is Priced!

[audience applauds]

And, boy, were you corny.

You even forgot to thank me. For what?

For unselfishly giving you my ticket so you could be on television instead of me.

Oh. Uh, that's okay, Fred. Always glad to help out a buddy.

You and Wilma will have to take a trip with me and Betty aboard our houseboat sometime.

Uh, when you say "our" houseboat, do you mean "your" houseboat or "our" houseboat?

Well, our houseboat will always be your houseboat, Fred.

Never mind your houseboat. Let's start talking about my houseboat.

I'm so excited.

I wonder when the boys will be home with their houseboat.

Yeah, won't it be fun living together this summer, drifting with the tide, no worries?

Barney and Fred are the only men I know who don't get on each other's nerves.

[door opens, then closes] Oh, that must be the boys now.

[Fred] Of all the... [grumbling indistinctly]

Takes the... [grumbling continues]

You know, Wilma, I think the S.S. Friendship just hit a rock.

Betty, you'd better come home.

Those water buffalos are nasty when they're crossed.

Don't talk to me of crossing, you triple-crosser!

Fred, is that any way to talk to your best friend?

Best friend? Ha!

I'm sorry, Barney. It's okay, Wilma.

We old sailors have a saying, "When the wind blows out of the south, Fred Flintstone's running off at the mouth."

Uh, you're a sore loser, that's all.

Loser? Whose ticket got you on the program?

Barney, you mean you boys are arguing about the houseboat?

[Barney] Of course. Well, isn't that silly?

If we owned it, we'd ask Fred and Wilma to share it, and I'm sure if they owned it, they'd ask us.

So let's just say we all own it together and share it.

What are you, some kind of a radical?

Sure. Who ever heard of a boat being filleted like that?

There's an old wives' saying that goes, "A houseboat divided against itself cannot sail."

Right, and if you two old salts don't stop acting so salty, you'll both have to look for new mates to do your houseboat-keeping.

Aye-aye, Betty? Aye-aye, Wilma.

The aye-ayes have it. Now, let's get some sleep.

Aye-aye. Aye-aye.

Left is port, and right is starboard.

Front is bow, and back is stern.

[Barney] Hey, Fred, Wilma! Let's go! Be right out, Barney-boy!

Ooh, if he calls me Barney-boy again, I'll throw him in the brig.

Barney... Uh... Oh, captain, sir, who put this on the back of the boat?

That's called the stern. Uh, Fred and I both named her.

I wanted to call her Nautical Lady, and Fred wanted Queen of the Sea.

So we split the difference and took the first three letters of mine, and the last three letters of his.

N-A-U-S-E-A.

That's nausea, and it's a sickening name for a boat.

Okay, you landlubbers, let's shove off.

I keep thinking I've forgotten something.

You know, I used to forget things on trips until I started making a list of everything I wanted to remember.

Does it work?

I don't know. I always leave the list behind.

Oh.

[both giggling]

Come on. Let's go, girls.

You two ride in the houseboat, and Barney and I will ride up front and, uh, navigate.

Yeah, and if you want anything, just yell.

Bear left some more. Steady as she goes.

He's slowing down.

Oh, I know we're lost, but this is ridiculous.

Who ever heard of driving a car as the crow flies?

It ain't a crow. It's a gull.

And gulls always head for the sea, sooner or later.

Of course, we could always stop and ask somebody where the ocean is.

Who are you gonna stop and ask when everybody's going 60 miles an hour?

Hey, look out!

[tires screech, then crashing]

I see it, but I don't believe it.

It's true. We hit another houseboat.

[motor rumbling, then tires screech]

[officer] Okay, what happened?

That landlubber tried to make a starboard turn without sticking his hand out.

Don't call me a landlubber, you landlubber.

I've been a sailor for over three weeks.

Yeah, Sarge. You heard me correct.

On the freeway.

A collision between two boats.

[Sarge speaking indistinctly] No, I didn't notify the harbor patrol.

These boats were on wheels, like houses.

[Sarge speaking indistinctly] No. I never touch the stuff.

I'll just ease her into the water, and...

Hold it, Fred. Hold it. Where's your tradition?

Huh?

You can't send her down the waves without a formal christening.

Uh, where's the bottle of champagne?

Are you kidding? All we got is a thermos full of Rocky Cola.

In a stirring moment like this, it's expendable.

Uh, which one of you girls would like to christen the good ship, Nau-Sea?

Let Wilma have the honor. I couldn't hit the side of a houseboat.

Well, all right, but I don't know how.

Do I bunt or swing for the fences?

Just follow through and hit it right there.

I hereby christen thee Nau-sea.

Oh! I'm sorry.

[Fred] We lost the trailer, but we still have the boat.

All we have to do now is wait till the tide rolls in and we'll be afloat.

[Barney] Hey, come on, Fred. We're afloat.

Yabba-dabba-doo!

Now hear this. Now hear this.

The good ship Nau-sea is now officially afloat.

Where are we going, captain? Hold it! Hold it!

He's not the only captain around here.

Oh, Fred, you're not going to start that again?

And why not? It was my ticket, wasn't it?

We're sailing south. The captain has spoken.

Oh, yeah? Take a look at this. What does it say?

Uh, let's see. "Made in Japan." Oh, boy.

Wilma, look. We're drifting onto some rocks.

Unless you two want a real sunken living room you'd better do something or we'll hit those rocks.

Not while I'm in command.

Quick, Barney. Start the outboard motors while I steer.

[Barney] You start the motors.

Oh, Wilma, we better do something. Help me throw out the anchor.

[both grunting]

Oh, no! It snagged our picnic basket.

No, you start you start the motor! You start.

Forget it. We're anchored.

I hope you boys are convinced that two captains are not better than one.

Now, hear this. If you captains don't want a mutiny among the crew stop this fighting. Right.

Yeah, you're right.

Okay, Barney, we'll head south like you wanted.

No, Fred. I insist we'll head your way.

I said we'll head your way!

I said we'd head your way!

And I say you'll both head straight for the galley, and start peeling potatoes.

[Fred] Why? What's for supper? That's it. Potatoes.

Mm-hm. Cream of potato soup, French fried potatoes, and flaming shish kebab of potatoes on a skewer.

What happened to all that big side of roast brontosaurus beef we brought along?

That side of beef went over the side.

Well, anyway, we're safely moored.

We can decide where we're going after supper.

Mmm! Roast bronto beef.

Boy, this is the life.

A nice dinner, anchored in a secluded little cove, nothing around to bother us, no boats, no people, no land.

Hey, hey, where did the land go, Fred?

Maybe it went out with the tide.

It sure is windy out here in the bay.

Hey. You know what, Fred, I think we're moving.

What makes you say a stupid thing like that?

You know we're anchored.

Well, so how come those buoys are going by like a picket fence?

Huh? [Barney] "If you're queasy.

Sailing on the wave.

Just open our mouth.

Shout terra firma shave."

You know, I was reading an article by this scientist who claims there's absolutely no evidence to support the existence of sea monsters.

He says they're only harmless pieces of folklore.

So a scientist doesn't believe there's any sea monsters. So?

So I was just wondering if that sea monster believes in scientists.

[laughing]

[laughing] Sea monsters.

Betty and I think you ought to slow down and stop showing off.

You could tell the sea monster, except sea monsters are just a harmless piece of folklore.

Ah! That's a sea monster! What can we do?

Beats me. The operating instructions don't cover anything that happens over 20 knots.

We're doing 60! [Betty] Oh, look, he's turning around.

Well, at least we're headed back in the right direction.

Yes! But we're heading for that big rock!

[crashing]

We're okay now. The rope broke.

We're sinking! [stammering] Don't get excited!

We're close to shore, and we got a life raft.

Well, hurry, please!

[Wilma] But that's too small for all of us.

Tut-tut! The number one tradition of the sea says women first.

I'll force myself in somewhere to keep you from panicking.

Wait a minute! What do you mean you'll go? I'll go!

[Barney] Shame on you, Fred.

The number two tradition of the sea says, the captain always goes down with his ship.

You're the acting captain.

Yeah? Well, a minute ago, you were acting like the captain.

Can I hold the raft for you, Fred? Yeah. Thanks.

Let's be fair, Rubble.

You won The Prize Is Priced. You got to go down with your bonus prize.

I'm sorry. It was your ticket which won this sinking ship, captain.

All right, Barney. As captain, I command you to obey and go to the bottom while I help the girls ashore.

Some captain you are. Scared to go down with his ship.

Look who's talking. Old chicken of the sea himself.

[Barney] Oh, yeah? Well... [sputtering indistinctly]

[Fred sputtering indistinctly]

[Barney sputtering indistinctly]

[Fred yelling indistinctly]

I wonder how long they can stay down there.

I don't know about Barney, but Fred's so full of hot air we may as well settle down for a long, long wait.

[both giggling]

[yawns]

Wilma!

Wilma!

Come on, Wilma, open the door!

Wilma!