02x25 - This Is Your Lifesaver

[bunniefuu]

Believe me, Barney, dinner just better be ready and on the table.

None of that crazy mixed-up food that she makes for Gypsum.

I don't want my soup cold and my ice cream hot.

You hear me, Wilma?

Wilma, open this door!

Please watch that knocking.

I have an upside-down soufflé in the oven and you'll turn it right-side up.

I'll upside down you, Gypsum.

[Gypsum] Temper, temper. Come on! Open up or I'll...

[growls]

Uh-oh.

That's telling her, Fred.

[horn honking]

[whistles]

[siren wailing]

I thought your boss promised you more money, Fred.

He did, he guaranteed me a raise every five years, if I did my job efficiently.

Uh-oh. He's got you by the loopholes.

Personally, I don't have any more financial worries.

What do you mean you don't have any financial worries?

You owe everybody I owe.

Yeah, but I just borrowed enough money to pay off all my debts. [laughs]

Well, I told Wilma how she can economize and save $500 a year on the grocery bill alone.

Are you going to cut out your midnight raids on the icebox?

No, I'm going to cancel the big food disposal unit Wilma was expecting. Her mother.

She eats like a seven-year locust, only she comes here every seven months.

You're lucky, Fred. Look at poor Harvey Boxite.

He's been married 12 years, and his mother-in-law only visited him once.

What's so bad about that?

She came the day after they were married and never left.

[laughing]

Well, here we are at the new George Washingstone Bridge.

Hey, your turn to pay the toll.

You don't have to remind me, I have it all ready.

Speaking of crocodiles, Fred, how you gonna keep your mother-in-law out of your castle?

With a moat? [laughs]

I wish I could, but the old buzzard probably swims like a duck.

If you think she can swim, what about that guy who's going to swim this river with a 50-pound boulder, tied around his neck?

Huh?

A-ha! A couple of live ones, and about time.

I was getting famished. I say, there.

Thank you for stopping, gentlemen. I wonder if I could beg a boon of you.

You want a bag of bones? No, a boon, a favor.

Could I bother you for a light for my last cigarette?

[Fred] Sure, I got a lighter right here in the car.

Did I hear you say you're giving up smoking?

In a manner of speaking, yes. Thank you.

I only need two reliable witnesses. For what?

Here. Hold this a moment, will you, my good man?

My pleasure. Thank you.

I don't want to say anything to frighten this nut, Fred, but if he thinks he's gonna fly with this concrete yo-yo, he's going to hurt himself. No, don't you get it?

It's one of those crazy TV stunts, like "People are Coo-coo."

And we're on the air, right now.

Hi, Wilma.

No, Fred, no hidden cameras in sight.

Look, Barney, he's digging through his briefcase for something.

I know, he's an insurance salesman. They'll do anything to get you to sign up.

Here we are, gentlemen. I wonder if you'd witness this for me?

See? Now don't sign until you look at the fine print too, Fred.

Dear, boy, I want you to read this too.

"I, J. Montague Gypsum, being of sound mind and body, do hereby make known my last will and testament to..."

To justly distribute my meager share in this cruel but beautiful world to deserving strangers.

To the children, I leave the birds and the flowers, the banks of brooks and the golden sands beneath the silver waters, thereon. Hey, that's nice.

Shh.

To the young lovers, I leave the soft summer nights and the stars of the sky, sweet strains of music.

Hey, this is a long will. Hold this rock for a while, will you?

Sure thing, Barney.

To married lovers, I leave the fireside at night, the happy laughter of their children, the company of good friends.

Isn't it beautiful, Fred? Yeah. It's your turn to hold the rock.

And to those no longer in their youth, I leave the vintage years and memories, so that they may live the golden days over and over, forever and ever.

Hold this, Fred. Sure, Barney.

Author! Come on, Fred, clap.

Hold this, Barney. Sure, Fred.

Gee, Mr. Gypsum, that was beautiful.

Alas, dear comrades, I have nothing left, that's why I'm perched here.

You mean you don't have a gimmick? You're really going to jump?

Why not?

Well, gee, pal... Did you say "pal"?

You don't know how long it's been since I heard those words.

Mister... Flintstone. Fred Flintstone.

Yes, isn't it irony that one with such a hard name should have such a soft heart.

Well, goodbye, Firdie. The name's Fred.

Goodbye, Berney. The name's Barney.

Ahh! [laughs] I see your scheme.

You're trying to talk me into coming home with you.

That's your game, isn't it? Well, not exactly.

You, see, I already put my foot down about my mother-in-law coming to visit us.

You did right.

Never admit an outsider into your cherished family circle.

It's like letting a camel put his head in your tent.

Hey! He knows your mother-in-law, Fred.

No, friend, I know people.

I used to be a psychiatrist as well as a doctor, lawyer, and master chef.

You were a chef? Ah, yes.

Not just an ordinary chef. I was captain of the Olympic cooking team.

Tell me, what did you say we were having for dinner?

Oh, brontosaurus burgers, I think.

Not brontosaurus stroganoff with marinated mushrooms and deviled dodo dumplings?

No, my wife doesn't cook fancy stuff like that.

I could teach her, especially my specialty, stegosaurus fins and sour cream.

Hey, I just got an idea. Why don't you come home with me?

I thought you'd never ask.

You, boys, don't know what a weight you've lifted off my shoulders.

If a man has good friends, what does he need with money?

Sure. Your worries are all water under the bridge now.

Right, pal?

Ooh!

Some days you just can't help being a hero.

It was beautiful, Wilma. Just picture it.

Fred in a one and a half twist and forward jackknife ending in a full belly-buster.

First time I ever saw anyone bounce off the water twice, before going under.

Well, he saved a life, and that's something to be proud of.

Yeah. How are you feeling now, Fred?

Fine.

[sneezes]

[stammering]

[Wilma] What did he say, Barney? He said:

[stammering]

I know, but what does it mean?

He never should have gone back in again to save that darn hat of Mr. Gypsum's.

[babbling]

Fred says it seems to him that J. Montague Gypsum is spending an awful long time in the tub.

What's he doing, steaming clams?

The poor man has had a shock.

A nice warm bath will relax him, help him to come out of his shell.

[Gypsum singing] Be it ever so humble There's no place like home

Goodness, what's that?

That's the sound of a happy steamed clam coming out of its shell.

[Gypsum] Ah! Sorry, I took so long, but I did want to spruce up a bit for dinner.

I borrowed your robe and razor, Firdie. But I think we'll be needing some new blades.

[stammering]

Fred feels terrible, Mr. Gypsum.

If it's about my hat, forget it. He gave it a gallant try.

No hard feelings, old man. I can always get another fedora.

[coughing]

Nasty cough. I don't like it.

Mrs. Flintstone, do you have cloves, hot mustard, honey, and a good strong wine?

Are you going to fix Fred a cough medicine?

[Gypsum] No, I thought I'd fix dinner.

Have you ever had barbecued brontosaurus on brochette?

It's one of my specialties.

I'd like to prepare it for you, if I may. It sounds delicious.

Take me to your larder. Get it?

[laughing]

[muttering]

I feel the same way, Fred.

[Fred] Wilma, where's the sport section of the newspaper?

[Wilma] I think Mr. Gypsum took it.

[Fred] Wilma, where's the last bottle of Rookie Cola I was saving?

[Wilma] I think Montague took it.

[Fred] Wilma, where is that magazine I was reading?

[Wilma] I think Monty took it.

[Fred] Wilma, where's that bottle of rat poison?

[Wilma] Fred, you can't!

[Fred] Well, he's taken everything else.

Yes, sir, I always say a couple of good nights' sleep will straighten anybody out, except you.

[groans]

Your eyes look like someone pried the covers off two cans of red paint.

Didn't you get any sleep last night, either?

No.

That's three nights running. You got insomnia.

No, I got a house guest.

What's that got to do with it?

Did you ever try sleeping in a rocking chair without a safety belt?

How come you slept in a rocking chair? Because Wilma was sleeping on the couch.

How come Wilma was sleeping on the couch?

Because J. Montague Gypsum was sleeping in both our beds.

Both beds? How come?

Because J. M. Gypsum got a bad back from sleeping on the couch, so now he has to sleep on the bias across two beds pushed together, because Wilma feels sorry for him, and because I'm a big stupid nut!

Look at the bright side, Fred.

You're very fortunate having an ex-doctor, like him, looking out for you.

He better look out for me. My patience is beginning to wear thin.

Don't worry, Fred.

It'd take a long time for any part of you to wear thin.

[laughing]

I feel so guilty, Wilma, playing badminton in the middle of the afternoon, like this.

Me too, Betty, I should be cleaning house.

Nonsense, ladies. Work is the curse of the thinking class.

You need escape from drudgery.

It'd be nice if your husbands took you dancing, or to a concert in the park, or even to dinner.

But I suppose they're too busy with their club meetings and poker parties and bowling tournaments.

Too bad. Well, ready girls?

[Betty] Ready. [Wilma] Ready.

Okay. Service.

You know, Wilma, Monty's right. The boys ought to take us out more.

See, that was a good one.

Of course, Barney always says he's tired.

Fred too, but they're never too tired to go bowling.

Keen return.

And even if they were too tired to dance, they could take us to a concert sometime and just sit and listen.

Fred gets tired if he sits too long, he says.

Your point. Bravo.

And what's wrong with taking us out to dinner once in a while?

Ouch!

Fred doesn't like to dress up. He says it looks funny.

Hey, that smarts.

Men.

What about those ridiculous Lodge uniforms?

Now cut that out!

Why don't we ask them to take us out to dinner tonight?

They'll say they're too pooped.

They're 20 years younger than Monty and look how peppy he is.

I bet Monty would take us out.

Yeah, if Fred gave him the money.

Come on, lady, watch it!

Why bother asking them?

Let's just plan to go out to dinner tonight without them.

Sure. Who needs them?

Who needs this? Goodbye.

I'm sorry, ladies, the bird flew the coop.

And that's just what we're going to do.

Yes, and thank you, Mr. Gypsum, for opening our cage.

Believe me, Barney, dinner just better be ready and on the table.

I'm with you, Fred.

None of that crazy mixed up food that she makes for Gypsum, like jellied rock turtle and baked glacier.

I don't want my soup cold and my ice cream hot.

You hear me, Wilma? Wilma! Open this door!

Please, watch that knocking.

Have an upside-down soufflé in the oven. You'll turn it right-side up.

I'll upside down you, Gypsum. Temper, temper.

Come on, open up, or I'll...

[roars]

Uh-oh.

That's telling her, Fred.

[humming]

All right, where's Wilma?

You're back. You left in such a hurry, I didn't have a chance to tell you.

Both of them left. Mentioned something about tired of being cooped up.

What did you say to Wilma? You made them leave, You did it.

What are you talking about, Firdie? The name's Fred.

And I'm talking about my razor, my aftershave lotion, my smokes, my robe, my slippers, and a whole case of Rookie Cola.

And when are you leaving? That's what I'm talking about!

Dear boy, you have to expect these little annoyances when you have a house guest.

I find you quite abominable too, but let's make the best of it, shall we?

We're both in this together.

What do you mean, both together?

Don't you remember? You saved my life, Firdie.

The name's Fred. So let's call it even. You don't owe me anything.

But you owe me something.

I was perfectly willing to jump off that bridge and you stopped me.

Therefore, my life is your responsibility.

You mean you're not ever going to leave?

Why should I? I've got food, shelter, and shaving lotion.

Everything I need, but a pinch of oregano.

Waddle down to the store, get me some, will you?

The name is Firdie!

What are you going to do now? Let him get his own oregano.

He's done you a favor, Fred.

He's made you appreciate what a wonderful person your mean old mother-in-law is.

[laughing]

Ha, ha.

Nothing could make me laugh, Barney.

Look, Fred, there's an idea. What idea?

[Barney] Sporting Goods and Hunters' Supplies. Let's look in the window.

"Spear with telescopic sight."

Hey! Sure like to have that, Fred.

And here's one of them, new double barreled shot clubs.

Oh, boy, that's beautiful.

And, look, for real big game.

Wow! Some equipment, huh, Fred? So, what?

Sorry, Fred, just trying to be helpful.

We'll have to think of something else. Yeah, sure, Fred.

Let's k*ll some time in the aquarium. I'm with you, Fred.

"Man-eating Barracuspid. Do not feed."

Pretty fierce looking, huh, Fred?

[Fred] Mm.

[Barney] Fred, what do you think?

No. After seeing Gypsum tear up 10 pounds of stegosaurus steak Friday, I wouldn't give this fish an even chance with him.

Fred, I'm sorry I couldn't think of anything to get rid of Gypsum.

That's okay, Barney, he's my problem, I'm stuck with him.

It's pretty late, Fred. The girls ought to be back by now.

Guess I'll go home and get yelled at.

I'll see you. Good night.

[Wilma] Good morning. Oh, heh. Is that you, Wilma?

Yeah, Fred Flintstone, this is your wife, remember?

Where have you been?

Oh, just walking around, thinking.

Where did you and Betty go? Have a nice time?

Awful, we missed you, boys. I'm sorry we ran out on you.

Really? Well, I'm sorry I yelled at you.

I don't remember your yelling at me. Well, you weren't here, but I did.

[both laughing]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's late. I've got your rocking chair made up for you.

Thanks, Wilma. The mystery guest is asleep already?

He left an early call for 11:30 a.m.

He's got to get to work early. What?

On a new crossword puzzle. I got a couple of cross words for him.

You know, Betty and I were thinking, Fred, and we think Monty is becoming a lot of trouble.

Yeah. Something else.

I don't want to upset you, but we think Monty is a confidence man.

No. Yep.

And we bet that if you had let him jump off that bridge, wouldn't have jumped off that bridge if you hadn't pushed him.

And we think Monty thinks you think you owe him a living, because you think you saved his miserable life.

I think you're right.

So we figured out a way to get even with him.

How?

He must save your miserable life, then you don't owe him anything.

Yeah.

But suppose he doesn't want to save your miserable life, Fred?

Don't be silly.

Wilma's got it figured out that if anything happens to me, he loses his meal ticket, so he has to save me.

That's a pretty big rock to play with. Sounds dangerous to me.

No, I can get out of the way. There's no danger.

Not to you, to me.

I'm awfully shrimpy to be pushing all that weight.

I got it all figured out, scientifically. It's perfectly balanced, see?

I even put an "X," right here, where you nudge it.

Just a nudge there, huh? Right.

And then when the boulder gets rolling good, down into the gravel pit where I'm working...

Monty sees his meal ticket about to be canceled and yells, "Look out."

Then I jump out of the way, Gypsum saved my life, we're even, and I don't owe him a living any more.

Now you have Montague up here as the noon whistle blows, right?

Okay, let's synchronize our sundials.

I got 10:35. What do you got? A migraine headache.

I hope you're not just wasting my valuable time, friend.

No, Mr. Montague, I thought you'd be interested in seeing where your meal ticket, I mean, Fred works.

Work nauseates me. I couldn't care less.

Well, right over here is where you can see best, Monty.

You brought me, all the way up here, just to look way down there?

Yeah, you see all those tiny little dots that look like ants?

That big fat little dot is good old Fred.

I bet you'd have to yell pretty loud to have him hear you.

Yes, sir, pretty loud. That's what I said, pretty loud.

What are you doing?

Push-outs. They're like push-ups, only out, far out.

You know...

[grunting]

Everybody's doing them. You want to help do a few?

[calling]

The noon whistle. Good.

I think I'll go down and share my life partner's lunch.

I'm hungry. [stammering] Mr. Monty, wait...

[sneezes]

Uh-oh.

Monty, when you get down there tell Fred to get out of the way.

Why, friend, why?

Never mind, I see why!

[yelling]

Help! How can I get off this thing?

It's coming. I hear it. Come on, Monty boy, save my life.

[Gypsum] Look out, Firdie! Look out!

Yikes!

Mr. Slate!

Flintstone! Cut out the horseplay during lunch hour.

Look out, boss, look out!

How do you stop it?

Hello? Hello?

Anybody home?

[mumbling]

Mr. Montague, that was the most amazing display of self-sacrifice I've ever seen.

Rolling that huge boulder into that pit to save the life of one of my employees.

I shan't ever forget it.

Nothing is too good for you, nothing.

Yep, we've heard the last of that good-for-nothing.

The boss promised Monty a job, and a nice home to live in until he recovers.

[laughing]

Oh, boy, Slate will never get rid of him.

[knocking on door]

I'll get it.

Glad you're here, Flintstone.

I've always considered your little home the happiest I know.

And so I give you today the hero who saved your life.

Better be good to him, Fred. You owe him your future.

I've just made Gypsum your foreman.

[stammering]

I'm awfully sorry, Mr. Slate, it's a shame we can't keep him.

But you see, we'll have no room in our happy home for Mr. Gypsum.

We're expecting an addition to our family very shortly.

Why, Mrs. Flintstone, Fred didn't even tell me.

She didn't even tell me.

I was keeping it as a surprise, but soon there'll be another mouth to feed.

How about that.

Well, in that case, I'm sure Mr. Gypsum understands, don't you?

[mumbling]

Yes, he seems to comprehend.

I'll take him back to my house. I'm sure he'll be no trouble.

He can sleep in my room until he gets to work.

Sorry to have bothered you folks, and congratulations.

Wilma, darling, is it true?

We're going to have an addition to the family?

Another mouth to feed? A chubby bundle of fun?

Yes, Fred, I just got the telegram this morning.

My mother is coming to visit us for a few months.

Congratulations, Fred.

Soon, you're going to have a little 209-pound stranger running your castle.

That's all right, glad to have her.

You're sure she won't be a thorn in your side, Fred?

So what? I'd sooner have that thorn in my side than that pain in the neck in my hair.

[laughing]

Wilma!

Wilma!

Come on, Wilma, open the door!

Wilma!