02x21 - Impractical Joker

[bunniefuu]

There it is, Fred.

It's my extra-moneymaking machine.

Uh, watch. We give this a few turns, then open this little door here. [chuckles]

There we are. Nice and fresh.

How's that, Fred? Pretty tricky, huh?

Barney, let me see that thing.

No. Not this one, Fred. It's still wet.

Come over here to the drying room.

I keep a low fire going in here.

The hot, dry air dries them evenly. No ink runs.

Wowee! Wow! Wow!

[Barney] Just feel the quality of that money.

I use a better grade than the government.

When people get used to my money, they won't accept any other.

Jeez! Uh, what's the matter?

Barney, are you out of your mind? Why, Fred?

You, Barney Rubble, you are a counterfeiter!

[horn honking]

[theme music playing]

[whistle chirps]

[siren wailing]

[whistle chirps]

What do you mean, Barney, you got the grass-mowing racket licked?

It works like this, Fred.

I get the grass soaked down good.

Then when Betty tells me to mow the lawn, I tell her it's too wet.

[laughing]

Yeah. It cuts down on the mowing, all right.

Uh-oh.

What's the matter, Barney-boy?

[Barney] The water stopped coming out.

[Fred] Looks like the hose is plugged up.

Shaking it won't do any good. Blow it out, Barney.

Hey, good idea, Fred.

You're lucky, Barney... to have such a good friend... who knows first aid.

You shipped a lot of water.

I'm sick and tired of your corny practical jokes... all the time, Fred.

Aw, stop beefing, Barney. Where's your sense of humor?

Cutting the hammock rope when I was in it.

[laughing]

And then there was the time you gave me the hotfoot while I was fixing my watch.

And don't forget the time I put cement in the holes of your bowling ball.

Boy! That was a great one!

Hey. Where are you going, Barney?

I got something to do. [Fred] Boy, what a sorehead.

You know, Wilma, that Barney next door is getting old.

Getting old? Yeah. I think I'll get a new best friend.

But one with a sense of humor, not an old grouch.

Barney happens to be a little younger than you are, Fred.

Yeah, counting years, maybe, but not in spirit.

I am the young-at-heart type, fun-loving, good company.

Soft in the head. "Soft in the head."

Blowhard. "Blowhard."

Cut that out, Wilma.

Now, you listen to me, Fred. I can tell you've had trouble with Barney, and probably over one of your corny practical jokes.

Why don't you stop with the gags, Fred? There's nothing funny about them.

You don't see Barney acting juvenile like you.

Oh, yeah?

Barney just doesn't have the brains to figure out a funny gag like I can.

Okay, Fred. Now open your eyes. Wham!

Barney, what are you doing?

I'm figuring out a practical joke to play on Fred.

It ends like this.

Okay, Fred, open your eyes.

Barney, you put that club away.

It's only a practical joke.

You are not going to sock Fred with that club, as much as he deserves it.

But, Betty, Fred's played hundreds of practical jokes on me.

Not once did I ever play one back. Not once.

That's right, Barney.

I thought Fred would get tired when I used passive resistance, but he didn't. He's gotta be stopped, Betty.

Well, I'll have to admit you're right, Barney.

You do? Yes.

But it will have to be something strong enough to make him quit.

Well, uh, maybe you're right. I'll get a bigger club.

No. Nothing like that.

It's gotta be something that will cure him of practical jokes forever.

Uh, something special, eh? Well, let's put our heads together.

Okay.

It won't help us think, but it sure is cozy.

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it, Betty.

[door opens]

Mr. Rubble? Mr. Barney Rubble? Yeah, that's right.

Are you the Barney Rubble who sent in a jingle, in the Sudsy Wudsy Soap Contest?

I'm the Barney Rubble who enters all the contests, sends in box tops, slogans, 25 words or less, how many faces can you find in this picture? Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

[Betty] He's also the Barney Rubble who never wins anything.

Well, you may have won first prize in the Sudsy Wudsy contest, if you can prove it by reciting the jingle you sent in.

Uh, Sudsy Wudsy. Hm...

[Betty] Think hard, Barney. I'm trying, but there were so many.

Let's see. Sudsy Wudsy.

Come, Mr. Rubble. Do you know it?

I got it!

If you scrub with Sudsy Wudsy, You'll wash away the mudsy wudsy That's it! You're the winner, Mr. Rubble.

And here are 500 brand-new bills, fresh from the government printing press.

Boy, 500 brand-new smackeroos!

Thank you very much, mister.

Yeah. Thanks a million, or at least 500.

Don't thank me. You've earned it.

"Wash away the mudsy wudsy." Oh, brother.

Half for you and half for me.

Isn't this wonderful, Barney? It sure is.

Wash away the mudsy wudsy

[scat singing] Fudsy wudsy Barney. What is it, my rich, rich wife?

Do you know what I'm going to do with my half?

Buy a spotted leopard stole trimmed with mastodon whiskers?

Nope. I'm going right out and buy you a real nice present for your birthday tomorrow.

Gee, Betty, I forgot I had a birthday coming up.

And I want you to make up with Fred by then, too.

Oh, yeah. Fred.

Hey, Betty, just a minute. What is it, Barney?

I just got an idea for a practical joke on Fred.

This is a sure-fire way to cure him of his practical jokes.

Remember the man said 500 brand-new bills fresh from the government printing press?

Mm-hm. But what?

Well, I'll have to have your help to pull it off, Betty.

Well, okay, but I'll have to know what it is.

Of course. Wait till you hear this.

It's a bip, a real ring-a-dinger.

Now, here's the gag.

Uh, pardon me, but this is such a gasser, I can't take any chances of Fred finding all about it.

[whispering indistinctly]

You're kidding. No, no. Listen.

[whispering continues]

What do you say, Betty? Will you help me?

Hm? Well, okay.

Good. You go over to Fred and Wilma's and get things started like I told you.

And I'll get things ready down in the basement.

If you scrub with Sudsy Wudsy, You'll wash away the mudsy wudsy

[scat singing]

Betty, you haven't sat still five minutes since you got here.

That's the fifth time you've looked out that window.

Are you expecting someone?

I thought I heard a police car coming this way.

A police car? Why are you worried about a police car?

[Betty] Oh, I'm not worried for myself. I'm worried for Barney.

[Wilma] Worried for Barney?

Do you want to tell me about it, Betty?

Well, it would make me feel better, I guess.

He always goes down in the basement and locks the door, and he does something down there for hours.

I'm sure he's up to something illegal, or else he'd tell me about it.

Oh, you're just imagining things, Betty.

Oh, no. He's up to something. I'm afraid that...

Oh! Was that a police siren? No. It wasn't.

Calm down, Betty. I'm sure it's nothing.

But if you'd feel better, I'll have Fred take a look over there.

Oh, that would be fine. Oh, Fred.

You called, honey? Yes, and what delayed you?

Oh, I just happened to be crawling by.

Okay, Fred. Since you've been tuned in on what we're talking about, run over and see what Barney is doing in the basement, so Betty can stop worrying.

Okay. Glad to do it for you, Betty.

[Wilma] And for once, Fred, no practical jokes.

Okay! Okay!

You'll see it's nothing when Fred comes back.

Um, Wilma. What is it, Betty?

Heh, I feel like a heel, telling you a fib.

This whole thing is a gag that Barney wants to pull on Fred.

And I went along with it because I promised Barney I would.

So call Fred back and tell him, Wilma.

Hm? I'll do no such thing.

It's about time Barney gave Fred a taste of his own medicine.

Maybe it will cure Fred of that practical joke thing he's got.

Oh. Gee, Wilma. I'm glad you're not mad.

[laughing]

That's a laugh.

Barney doing something illegal down in his basement.

He always throws in an extra 10 bucks when he pays his income tax just to make sure.

I'll just peek in Barney's basement window and check what's going on.

Yeah. He's there. I see a light.

Hey, Barney! What you...?

Why, that... All right, Barney. Open up.

Open the door!

Are you alone, Fred? Of course I'm alone. Open up that door!

Okay, Fred. Come in. Lock up after you're in.

[Barney] Well, what's new, Fred?

What's new? That's what I want to know. What are you doing down here?

Can you keep a secret, Fred? Yes, I can keep a secret, Fred.

Remember how we used to sit around and wish we could make some extra money, Fred?

Of course I do.

Well, I'm not wishing for extra money anymore. I'm making it.

Really? And just what are you doing to make extra money?

I'll show you, Fred. Uh, promise you'll keep this quiet?

Yes! Yes! Get on with it!

Well, there it is, Fred.

There is what? What's so great about that?

It's my extra-moneymaking machine.

Uh, watch. We give this a few turns, then open this little door here. [laughing]

There we are. Nice and fresh.

How's that, Fred? Pretty tricky, huh?

Barney, let me see that thing.

Oh, no, no. Not this one, Fred. It's still wet.

Come over here to the drying room. You can look at one there.

I keep a low fire going in here.

The hot, dry air dries them evenly. No ink runs.

Wowee! Wow! Wow!

Here, Fred. Just feel the quality of that money.

I use a better grade than the government.

When people get used to my money, they won't accept any other.

Jeez! Uh, what's the matter, Fred?

Barney, are you out of your mind? Why, Fred?

You, Barney Rubble, you are a counterfeiter!

Aw, Fred, you promised you'd keep it quiet.

Now, Barney, believe me, you're headed for trouble.

No matter how good this money looks, they'll nail you the minute you try to pass it. Do you understand?

I understand.

You're trying to muscle in, but it won't work, Fred.

I've got a good thing going here and I'm keeping it.

Go build your own machine. Here's a couple of samples to go by.

No! No, I don't want them. Let me get out of here!

Fred ought to be back any minute now with the big news.

Yeah, that Barney's a counterfeiter.

Shh! Here he comes.

Oh, Fred.

What was Barney doing down in his basement?

Fred!

[stammering] Was that a police car siren?

Fred, Betty wants to know what Barney's fooling around with down in his basement. "Fooling around with"?

He's fooling around with a 20-year stretch on the Big Rock.

But, Fred, what could he be doing?

He could be playing with a model train set, but he isn't.

He is making money. [Betty and Wilma] Oh! That's good!

Phony money. [Betty and Wilma] Oh! That's bad!

Betty, I hate to tell you this, but your husband is a counterfeiter.

A counterfeiter? I don't believe it.

Well, you'll believe it when the unmentionables raid your house and drag him off in the paddy wagon.

I think I'll go over and speak to Barney.

Be careful! Just speaking to him could get you a five-year stretch!

Gee, thanks, Wilma. Fred really went for it.

Well, Fred deserved it.

But I'll tell him when I go in that it was just a gag.

Oh, Wilma, since it was Barney's gag, would you mind if Barney told him?

Of course, Betty. I promise I won't say a word.

Let Barney tell him. Thanks, Wilma.

Oh, boy! Oh, boy! What a gag.

"You're doing wrong, Barney," he says.

"You, Barney Rubble, are a counterfeiter," he says.

Okay. Okay, Barney. Your joke is over.

Now go over and let Fred in on it. You're kidding.

When you get a poor fish like Fred hooked you don't let him off the hook that easy.

You play him. You give him a little line, then reel him up.

Give him a little line. What's the matter with you?

Aw, nothing at all. I just didn't realize how much fun practical jokes are.

And remember, you also helped set him up for the gag.

Yeah, I know. And I'm sorry I did.

Fred, will you stop that pacing up and down? You're making me nervous.

If you wanna get nervous, get nervous about living next door to a counterfeiter.

And if he tries to pass any of that do-it-yourself money they'll grab him, they'll find out I knew about it, and I'll get 10 years just for living next door to the guy.

I'll visit you, Fred, and bring a cake with a file in it.

Oh, boy! Everybody's becoming unglued at once.

I got to talk Barney out of this nutty scheme.

In the meantime, to protect myself, I can't let him try to pass any of that homemade money.

I know what I'll do. I'll start bright and early in the morning, and I'll follow him all day if I have to.

[Barney] That was really tasty, Harry.

Uh, how much do I owe you?

Two fried dodo eggs, a cup of java, and a prune Danish.

85, Barney. Keep the change, Harry.

Oh, no, you don't! This one is on me, chum.

His money's no good here, Harry.

Your money's no good anyplace.

Well, come on, Harry. I can't believe it.

Fred Flintstone treating?

Oh, come off it. Keep the change.

Keep the change? Oh, no!

A tip from Fred Flintstone? I can't believe it!

Oh, no!

I don't know why I ever go into this ptomaine trap.

Why aren't you working today, Fred?

Well, I, uh...

Because I wanted to talk to you, Barney, about you know what.

Oh. You mean, uh, the counterfeit money?

Shh! Barney, please don't ever do that again.

You're wasting your time.

I think my money is better than the old-fashioned stuff.

And I'm gonna spend the day shoving it, as we say in the funny-money business.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'll see to it that you don't spend a cent all day.

I'll pay for everything you buy.

[humming]

Barney, did you spend all our money on this stuff?

No, uh, these are all little goodies Fred bought for me today.

I think I'll keep this practical joke going all summer.

You should have seen Fred go white when I looked in the auto showroom window.

Fred's lying down, and, yes, I heard what went on today.

Fred signed up all over town with time payments.

He owes his shirt.

I'm sending all that sporting goods stuff back, Wilma.

So Fred will owe nothing. Thank goodness, Betty.

Now I'll tell Fred it was all a practical joke.

Um, Wilma, just a minute.

Think for a moment. If you tell Fred, he'll get mad, and get a practical joke to top Barney's.

That's right.

Then Barney will top that. Then Fred.

Then Barney. Fred.

Barney. Oh, no, Betty.

It will be a w*r of practical jokes.

With us caught in the middle in no man's land.

If there was some way to teach them both a lesson.

Mm. But how?

Well, women are pretty good at outsmarting men, you know?

Mm-hm. I know. In fact, that's how I got married.

Is there another way?

[both giggling]

Hey, Wilma. Hi, Betty.

I got a great idea, girls. What's that, Fred?

The machine. The machine.

Barney can't make phony money without his machine.

So if I can get a hold of it, I can bury it some place.

Then Barney is out of business.

[Wilma and Betty] Good idea, Fred!

All I gotta do is wait till Barney leaves the house, and I will grab it.

I'll call him on the phone and ask him to come over here.

Good. That will give me a chance to get in.

Oh, Fred, where are you going to bury it?

[Fred] In the gully in the park.

In the gully in the park, eh?

Before you call Barney, I wanna make a call, Betty.

Okay, Wilma.

Fred is sure falling hard for this gag. He sure is.

What's taking those girls so long to call Barney?

[phone ringing]

Ah. There it is.

And there he goes.

And here I go.

There. I got the machine.

Wait a minute. I better take all that homemade money, too.

This should be deep enough.

Now to get the stuff out of the car.

Boy, I'll be glad to get this buried forever.

Then maybe I'll be able to sleep nights again. Oops!

All right. This is a stickup.

Huh? [laughs]

The joke's on you, friend.

This isn't even real money. It's fake money.

This machine here makes it. It's just for laughs.

Okay. Just for laughs, make some more money.

Well, I can't make it. A friend of mine makes it.

Okay. Let's find your friend.

Any friend of yours is a friend of mine.

[stammering] But he isn't home now. Okay, we'll wait for him.

And he better show up, or else.

Betty calls me up, makes me walk over to Fred's house, then forgets what she called me for.

Heh. I don't get it. There's no figuring women.

Bless their little inscrutable minds.

Fred, what are you doing down in my basement?

Put up your hands.

Get over there with the fat lug.

Okay, now, which one of you makes the money?

He does. Okay, shorty.

Get your machine going and make some more money.

[stammering] I can't.

Barney, make the man some money, he isn't fooling.

I can't make money.

It's just a practical joke to fool my friend Fred.

This is real money. That's how I fooled him.

A practical joke? I'm laughing! I'm laughing!

I don't believe it. You guys are holding out.

Okay. Bring the machine and the phony dough.

We're going to Max's. You'll turn out the money for Max.

Max has ways of making guys do anything.

[stammering] Max? [stammering] Who's Max?

You've heard of Max.

Max the Knife. Max the Knife?

Max the Knife? But I can't make money for Max the Knife.

Uh, I can't make money at all.

The money machine is just a practical joke.

Max the Knife don't go much for jokes.

So I hope you decides to be smart and make the money for him.

Okay? Let's go.

And no funny stuff. Understand?

I don't feel very funny. Do you, Fred? No.

It's all your fault, Barney. You and your practical jokes!

My practical jokes?

This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't been pulling gags all the time.

Pipe down, you two. We're just about to Max's place.

Pull over to the curb.

[tires screech]

Come on. Get out. This is the place.

[Barney] Yes, sir. Let's go! Keep moving.

Fred, I just happened to think. Today's my birthday.

Enjoy it. It looks like your last one. Yeah, I know.

No need of both of us going in, Fred.

That's right. So you go in and explain it to Max.

Oh, no. You go in. You're both going in.

[Barney] Anybody home?

Get in there and close that door! [Barney] Yes, sir.

I hope Max the Knife ain't home.

Max, these two guys have a machine to make money.

But they won't do it.

[Fred] Uh-oh. Somebody put out the lights.

[Barney stammering] Please, Mr. Max.

We can't make any money. [Fred] It was just a practical joke.

[Barney] You can have it all! Keep it. You can have it!

Spare us, Max. Please let us go, Max!

[in unison] Happy birthday, Barney!

[people] Happy birthday!

Uh, happy? [stammering] Birthday?

[groaning]

So it was you girls pulling a practical joke all the time.

That Max the Knife thing sure had me worried.

We hope this has cured both of you of any more practical jokes.

It's cured me for sure. Me, too. Forever.

Hey, uh, who'd you get to play the robber with the mask, girls?

[Wilma] That was Joe Rockhead.

Joe Rockhead? How about that?

Yeah, you lugs. Max wants to see you.

Hi, fellas! You guys didn't know me with my mask on, did you?

[Fred and Barney laughing] [Barney] We sure didn't, Joe.

No hard feelings? [Fred] Of course not, Joe.

You know something, Wilma? What, Fred?

We two practical jokers are lucky.

Yeah. We got two practical wives.

You can say that again.

[all laughing]

[theme music playing]

[yawns]

Wilma!

Wilma!

Come on, Wilma, open the door!

Wilma!