02x07 - The Soft Touchables

[bunniefuu]

[Fred] "Flintstone and Rubble capture bank robbers."

Ha, ha! How about that?

Oh, boy, this publicity's worth millions.

Our detective agency will be swamped with business.

They'll be standing in line outside my door. [laughing]

You mean my door, Fred.

Ha, ha... Huh?

The door leading to the Wilma Flintstone and Betty Rubble Detective Agency.

[Horn honking]

[theme music playing]

[whistle chirps]

[siren wailing]

[whistle chirps]

[Barney] "F. Flintstone part-time private eye.

B. Rubble likewise.

Office hours, after dinner."

Hey, what's the use of having a sign on the door, Fred?

We don't do any business.

Will you take it easy, Barney? I'm trying to read.

Boy, what some crooks won't think of.

Did you read this article about Gus Granite, public enemy number one?

Sit down and relax, Barney. You're making me nervous.

Sit where, Fred?

The finance company took back all the furniture, remember?

Aw, we'll get it back, partner, as soon as we land our first case.

Yeah, but when will that be?

We've been in the private eye racket for three weeks now and the only one that came through the door was a drunk driver.

Yeah, I thought for a minute we had a client, until he drove right by and out the window.

Anyway, guess what Gus Granite, public enemy number one, tried to swipe?

I give up, Fred. What?

The Panama Canal. The Panama Canal?

Gee, how did he expect to get it out of the country?

A long, thin suitcase. Well, that's good thinking.

Do you think we'll ever get a crack at an exciting caper like that?

In this racket, pal, anything can happen.

Now sit down and be patient.

We'll get an opportunity to show how good we are.

[knocking on door]

And this may be it.

Come in.

Say, your sign says "private eye."

Uh... yeah.

Yea, That's us, the Messieurs Flintstone and Rubble.

Which mess is Flintstone, and which mess is Rubble?

I'm Fred Flintstone, and this mess is Barney Rubble, my partner.

Uh, how do you do? I'm sure. Gentlemen, I'm in a hurry.

I'll talk fast. Okay, we'll listen fast.

This is strictly confidential, but I represent a bank.

A bank? Why, you've come to the right place, lady.

Guarding confidential banks is our specialty.

This is going to be a full-time job.

Are, uh, you fellows married?

No, uh, just friends.

Barney, you lunkhead, let me do the talking.

Yeah, we're married, but our wives are at home.

Only reason I ask is because you've got to be available at any time day or night.

Oh, don't worry. You can count on us. Good.

And about your fee, will five a day be enough?

Five dollars a day will be fine, ma'am.

I was thinking about $500 a day.

Be at the Third National Bank tomorrow at 2:30 to talk to the president.

- Arrivederci, men. Oh, arrivederci-richi to you, ma'am.

Barney, we're hired! It's our first job.

Fred? Yes?

What did she say our fee was? Five hundred bucks a day.

Uh, that's what I thought she said.

[thuds]

Holy smoke. He fainted.

All I said was we're going to get 500 bucks a day.

Five hundred bucks a day?

[man on TV] All right, you guys. Drop the g*ns.

I got you covered.

- Oh, you'll never get away with this. Yeah, look behind you.

Ha, ha! You don't think I'd fall for that old trick, do you?

Every week it's the same thing. He gets conked on the head.

Ha! Those private eyes must have skulls of iron.

I hope it happens only on TV.

I'd hate to have Fred get hit like that every time he takes a case.

I wouldn't want Barney to, either. But there's nothing to worry about, Wilma.

Who'd give our husbands a case? Yeah, you're right.

Imagine those two characters running a part-time detective agency after work.

Heh-heh. Yeah. [giggling]

Let's listen to the news for a while. [channel changes]

[man] And now for the latest news.

Police are still on the lookout for escaped bank robber Dagmar the Peroxide Kid.

She's known to be a member of a notorious g*ng of thieves reported to be in this city.

If you see this woman, call the police at once.

Do not try to apprehend. She is extremely dangerous.

Can you imagine that? A female bank robber.

Wilma, we're home. And have I got news for you.

Oh, yeah. Guess what happened.

[Wilma] You're giving up the private eye business. I hope.

No. Better than that. Uh, we got our first...

Hold it, Barney. Hold it.

I'm the senior partner in this organization, and I will tell them.

[Barney] Oh, sorry, Fred.

Girls, not only are we not going out of business but we might soon be in the private eye profession on a full-time basis.

Why? What happened, Fred?

[Fred] We got our first job. Uh-oh.

I was afraid of that.

This calls for a celebration, Wilma. Open a bottle of champagne.

We have no champagne, Fred.

All I've got in the icebox is a can of tuna.

Well, open that.

We've got to celebrate our first case somehow.

I don't like it, Fred.

I want you to give up this private eye business and go back to work at your regular job.

And the same goes for you, Barney.

Are you kidding? We got it made. M-A-I-D, "made."

We're going to get 500 clams a day.

And that's more dough than I can scratch out at the gravel pits in six months.

And that's what bothers me.

Whoever hired you must be an escaped lunatic.

Oh, yeah?

Well, for your information, the money is coming from one of the most important men in this town.

Who is he?

I can't tell you. It's strictly confidential.

Oh, come on, tell us.

Don't say anything, Fred.

Don't worry, Barney. What kind of private eye do you think I am?

Heh, heh.

All I can say is that he's the president of a bank.

There are four banks in this town. Which one?

[Fred] I'll tell you one thing, it ain't the First National and it ain't the Second.

And it ain't the Fourth, either.

And that's all you're going to get out of us.

We got ethics.

Uh, look, boss, I got an idea about the bank job, we're going to pull tomorrow night.

I think... Shut up. I do the thinking around here.

You understand, Knuckles? Oh, sure, boss, sure. Excuse me.

You just think about getting some bags to haul the money away in.

You understand? Yeah, boss. I get it.

I bring the bags, and you do the thinking around here.

[knocking on door]

That's Dagmar.

Come in, baby.

[door opens]

Hello, fellas.

Hello, Dagmar.

Well, did you find a couple of private eyes?

[Dagmar] Mm-hm.

The Messieurs Flintstone and Rubble, a couple of eager beavers.

[laughs] Eager beavers, huh?

Hey, you think they're stupid enough?

I checked on them, boss.

One was kicked out of school for flunking recess.

[Boss] How about the other one? He is the stupid one.

They're going to meet you at the bank tomorrow.

Yeah, that's great, that's great.

The plan is working perfect.

Baby, when this job is over, you're going to get a full-length, saber-toothed tiger coat with a pterodactyl collar.

Hmm. Thanks, boss.

Gee, boss, heh-heh, what'll I get when the job is over?

You can keep the empty bags.

Now, shut up and let me read.

"The Third National Bank."

Well, here we go, Barney. Our first job as private eyes.

You all set? Yep. Lead the way, Fred.

We better check out our equipment first.

A private eye has got to be ready for any emergency, you know.

You're right, Fred. Start checking.

Okay, magnifying glass? Check.

Handcuffs? Check.

Fingerprint outfit? Checkaroony.

False mustaches? Check and recheck.

Uh-oh.

We forgot one thing. What's that?

We forgot our badges.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you numskull, we got them pinned under our jacket.

Now let's go inside.

You better let me do the talking, Barney. I know how to handle bank presidents.

Are youse guys...?

Are, uh, you guys Flintstone and Rubble, the famous private eyes?

That's us, Mister...? Rockhead.

Pleased to meet you, Mr. Rockhead.

Fine, fine. Now, you guys wait for me across the street in the park.

In the park?

How come we ain't having this meeting in your office?

I, uh, can't take a chance.

There are spies everywhere. My office is probably wired.

No kidding? Okay, we'll meet you in the park.

Come on, Barney.

Boy, Dagmar was right. These guys are a couple of real kooks.

This is going to be a real cinch.

I don't need this anymore. [chuckles]

So, with all the bank robberies going on, I'm afraid my bank will be next.

Gee, uh, what are you going to do about it, Mr. Rockhead?

I'm going to move all the money out of the bank to a safe place.

Say, that's a smart move.

I don't get it. What place is safer than a bank?

Barney, don't you recognize a smart move when you hear one?

Sorry, sir. I'm just breaking him in. Please continue.

Now, uh, here's the plan.

Tonight, me and Knuckles...

Uh... P.J. Knuckles... He's vice president.

-are going to remove all the money from the bank, load it into my car, and take it to a safe hiding place.

I get it, and you want me and Barney to help you.

Right.

I want you guys to stand guard in case the robbers try to jump us.

Don't worry, Mr. Rockhead. You can count on us.

These crooks are pretty clever.

They usually show up dressed as cops.

[Fred] Cops? Hey, that is smart.

But not smart enough for you, eh, Flintstone?

That's right. Us private eyes can spot a fake cop like that.

Good. See you tonight at 8:00. 8:00?

Well, gee, Mr. Rockhead, we got to take our wives to a concert at 9:00.

Don't worry. We'll grab the loot...

I mean, uh, transfer the money and you'll be home in plenty of time to, uh, face the music.

That's swell, Mr. Rockhead.

We'll meet you and Mr. Knuckles at 8:00.

I feel sort of guilty taking Mr. Rockhead's dough, Barney.

This job is a cinch. Yeah.

Only, I hope we get back in time to take Betty and Wilma to the concert.

Betty is pretty sore about the whole thing.

Yeah. Yeah, Wilma is, too.

But we'll transfer the money to Mr. Rockhead's car, pick up our 500 bucks, and be home in plenty of time.

You'd better step on it, Fred. It's almost 8:00.

Right. Hold on.

Uh, you better stop, Fred. There's a cop after us.

[police siren wailing]

Huh?

Let me talk to him, Barney.

I know how to handle cops.

[police motorcycle screeches to a halt]

Where do you guys think you're going?

Sorry, officer. We're on official business. Here's my card.

If you ever need a favor, don't hesitate to call on me.

Well, thank you.

"Flintstone and Rubble.

Private investigators.

Available every night after 6:00."

Well, Ain't that nice?

My name is O'Shale, and here's my card, buster.

Oh, thank you, officer.

Hey, this is a traffic ticket!

That's right.

And make sure you're available tomorrow morning in court.

Did you get the empty bags, Knuckles? Oh, yeah, boss. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, they're in the car. Good.

[car tires screeching]

And here come our pigeons, right on time.

Hello, Mr. Rockhead. Here we are, like we said we'd be.

Oh, that's swell, fellas, and now we can get to work.

Let it go, uh, Mr. Knuckles!

Right, uh, Mr. Boss.

Hey, what's the idea? Wouldn't you know it?

Mr. Knuckles forgot the key in his other suit.

Now you guys keep an eye out for anything suspicious.

Excuse me.

Okay, Knuckles! Start loading the moola.

[Knuckles] Right, boss!

These bankers are pretty efficient, huh, Barney?

Now let's earn our dough.

Keep your eye peeled for anything suspicious.

Right, Fred. But tell Mr. Rockhead to it hurry up.

We can't stay too long. Oh, yeah, that's right.

Hey, Mr. Rockhead, you mind working a little faster?

We got to get home by 9:00, remember?

Oh, yeah, the concert.

Speed it up, Knuckles.

Our detectives have to check in by 9:00.

[Knuckles] Right, boss.

We'll have the loot loaded in a minute, fellas.

Thanks, Mr. Rockhead.

[police siren wailing]

Hey, Mr. Rockhead, here comes one of those phony robbers dressed as a cop.

Well, you guys take care of him.

We'll come back and pick you up in a minute.

Come on, Barney.

We'll hide in the doorway so we can jump him.

Right, Fred.

Halt! In the name of the law!

[Fred] Get him, Barney!

[thuds]

Good work, Barn. You knocked him colder than a frozen mackerel.

Hey, Fred. That's no fake cop.

That's Mr. O'Shale, [stammers] the cop that gave you the ticket.

He's for real.

Huh? [stammering]

A for-real cop? [O'Shale groans]

Oh, my head! Who hit me?

[Fred stammering] I'm sorry, sir. It was a mistake.

[groans] Oh, it's you, eh? So this is your official business, eh?

Honest, Mr. O'Shale, it's all a mistake. I can explain the whole thing.

Sure you can. Let's all go down to the station and you can start explaining.

Is this one of the crooks? No, sir. I never saw him before.

Are you sure? This is the last picture we got.

I'm sure.

We'll get more rogues' gallery pictures sent here in the morning.

You imbeciles be here at 8:00 sharp to look them over.

Yes, sir. We'll be here.

Hey, there's one picture that looks like one of the crooks.

[officer] Which one is it?

It's that one behind you. The one that's hanging on the wall.

You idiot! That's the Chief of Police.

Now beat it before I lock you up for impersonating a private eye.

Barney, when we get home, we better not tell the girls what happened.

We'd never hear the end of it.

Uh, don't worry, Fred. I feel stupid enough already.

We better hurry if we're going to take them to that concert.

Let's grab a bus. Bus, nothing. We'll take a cab.

Hey, taxi!

Where to, sir?

First thing tomorrow morning, we identify the pictures.

The cops grab the crooks and stick them behind bars for the rest of their lives.

Fred, if we identify these guys, uh, ain't we asking for trouble?

You think I'm scared of those no-good, yellow rats?

Uh, yeah, I guess you're right.

All of them no-good crooks are yellow.

[Fred] I'd like to get my hands on that phony banker just for two minutes.

[Barney] Okay, you can have him.

I want to get my hands on that vice president, Mr. Knuckles.

[laughing]

Barney, where are we?

I don't recognize this neighborhood.

Cabby, you sure you know where you're going?

We got to get to a concert.

Hey, uh... there's two cabbies.

Uh, you'll get to your concert, all right.

Yeah, and they'll be playing the funeral march.

[Boss and Knuckles laughing]

[stammering]

Mr. Rockhead. And Mr. Knuckles.

Hiya, boys. Sorry, we had to leave in such a hurry.

But I told you we'd be back.

[laughing]

What time is it, Betty? It's 8:50.

That does it. Come on, Betty. We're leaving without the boys.

Don't you think we ought to wait five more minutes?

Not on your life.

I don't want to miss one minute of this concert.

I love to watch Leonard Bernstone conduct.

Mm.

The first thing on the program is that gorgeous symphony by Rocky Maninoff.

Let's go. We'll take my car.

Honest, Mr. Rockhead, we wouldn't put the finger on you.

Of course not. You're our clients.

[laughs]

Hey, that's a good one, boss. Shut up!

Head for that spot where they keep the cement mixers for the new highway.

[stammering] Cement mixers? What are you going to do with us there?

[Boss] Same as we do with anybody who gets too nosy.

We're gonna drop both of you guys in it. [gulping]

This time tomorrow, you guys will be a right turn on Highway 66.

[laughing]

That's a good one, boss. Shut up.

And keep your eyes on the road.

[clattering and banging]

What happened? Uh, search me, boss.

Well, of all the luck. The wheel came off.

Get out and fix it, Knuckles.

Uh, why should I get my hands dirty, huh?

I mean, let those two guys in the back do it.

Yeah. Why not?

Okay, you guys, out. And make it snappy.

Nothing doing.

Give me one good reason why we should fix that wheel.

Because if you don't, we'll let you have it right here.

Uh, that's a good reason, Fred. Yeah.

Let's get to work, Barney.

There's absolutely no excuse for Fred and Barney to be late.

We've had these tickets for two weeks.

I've got the strangest feeling they're playing poker with some of those loafers from the pool hall.

Well, let's not aggravate ourselves. We want to enjoy the concert.

[tires screeching]

Wilma, do you see what I see?

Why, it's Barney and Fred fixing a wheel.

Keep stalling until I can figure out what to do.

Come on, you guys. We ain't got all night. Make it snappy.

Yeah. That nice cozy cement mixer is waiting for you.

[Wilma] Fred! [Betty] Barney!

The nerve of you two, letting us wait at home.

You knew we were all going to the concert tonight.

You two march right into this car and come with us.

Sure, honey. We'll be glad to.

And how. Uh, sorry, fellas.

We'll have to run along now.

You guys stay right where you are. And you two dames beat it!

Yeah, scram out of here.

Well, of all the nerve. How dare you?

You better do what he tells you, honey.

Yeah. You girls go to the concert without us.

What?

And leave you here to play poker with these grown-up delinquents?

You're coming with us. And that's final.

That's far enough, ladies.

Now get back in your car before you get hurt.

These ain't water pistols we're carrying in our pockets.

Do as they say, Wilma. Go on home.

Hey!

[Fred] Good shot, Barney.

All right, wise guys. You asked for it.

And you asked for this.

Come on, Barney.

Let's tie them up before they come to.

Good work, girls.

The bank will probably give us a reward for this.

A reward for what, Barney? What are you talking about?

[Barney] For capturing Rockhead and Knuckles.

They're a couple of desperate bank robbers.

But they didn't have us fooled for one minute.

Bank robbers?

Desperate?

[both groaning]

[Fred] "Flintstone and Rubble capture bank robbers."

Ha, ha! How about that? Oh, boy, this publicity's worth millions.

Our detective agency will be swamped with business.

They'll be standing in line outside my door. [laughing]

You mean my door, Fred.

Ha, ha... Huh?

The door leading to the Wilma Flintstone and Betty Rubble Detective Agency.

Just a minute. Just a minute.

No wife of mine is gonna be a private eye.

[Wilma] Why not?

I thought Betty and I did pretty good on our first job.

[Fred] Hold it! Hold it!

You bellowed?

Okay. Okay, you win.

You forget about the private eye business, and we'll do the same.

Mm. What do you think?

Well, I kind of hate giving up all that excitement.

[Wilma] Yeah. It is kind of glamorous.

[Betty] And we can mingle with all those handsome private eyes.

[Wilma] Yeah. Perry Ganite and Sam Slade.

All right, knock it off!

Is it a deal? Okay, it's a deal.

You buy that, Barney? I buy that. [laughing]

With pleasure.

Hey, Fred. Yeah, Barney.

[Barney] You want this for a souvenir? What is it?

It's your private eye diploma. [laughing]

Hey, what's that mean?

It means we're out of business, pal. That's what it means.

Uh, I get the message.

Ouch! I get the message.

[both laughing]

Hey, how about a couple of ex-private eyes taking another couple of ex-private eyes out to dinner?

Do that, and we'll consider the case closed.

That's a deal.

[all laughing]

[theme music playing]

[yawns]

Wilma!

Wilma!

Come on, Wilma, open the door!

Wilma!